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[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

Mom Guilt

I want to talk about what i know every mom goes through when they have kids the inevitable build up of house work. Now i dont know about you but after a day of taking care of little man and trying to keep up the house weather its doing dishes or getting laundry done and feeding the kids and chasing them around the house diaper changes and teething. Im tired at the end of the day and i look around and my house is a mess. Toys are everywhere laundry still needs to be finished dishes done floors cleaned dogs taken care of and all I want is a moment to myself but the settles in the MOM GUILT do I stay up late to finish everything and clean up or do I take time to myself to just breath and do it in the morning. If I leave it till the morning I swear it seems that there is way more to do then the day before it multiplies over night I don't know how but I swear it does. So Then I start with the cleaning but am interrupted by the waking up of my son and now starts the time of taking care of him and the house gets away from me again. This happens day after day until it seems completely out of control and I feel like I will never get ahead of it and then the depression sets in because I feel like a faluire as a mom and a wife or friends come over and I'm ashamed that my house isnt perfect. Now dont get me wrong my husband helps as much as he can when he comes home on lunch or when he gets home at then end of the night  he will do dishes take out trash give lil man his bath bath and that's amazing but sometimes hes just as tired as i am. I wont lie most nights I cry and just feel like cant do anything right as a parent. I  feel like my house must be perfect at all times and god forbid i post a picture with toys on the floor because than it becomes why is your house dirty why are there toys everywhere.. Listen linda my living room starts out clean but i have a 18 month old and as soon as he wakes up he proceeds to take every toy he has out of his toy box and it ends up all over my living room and its pointless to continuously pick them up and then have him do it again 

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

Married to the military

So last night I was reminded again what it meant being married to a military man. It was 6:30 at night and my husband wasn't home yet and that's when it hit me it was going to be a late night. This meant cooking dinner late and eating late than cleaning up and going to bed with little to no time to ourselves to talk about our day or any issues that may have arose while he was at work that i needed his help with. You see he had been coming home at a decent time for a couple of weeks and I had almost forgotten I was married to the military. Don't worry I was reminded very quickly. I know this may not seem like a big deal to most but what most don't realize is we are still trying to find a rhythm post deployment and its hard and depression is very real. There are times when I feel so alone in this marriage. I feel like a single mom most days too. Yes hes here at the end of the night for a few hrs sometimes, but by the time he gets home and I make dinner and he spends time with our lil man there really isn't time for us. See when you marry a military man your really just getting him on loan and that's up to the military when they  decide to loan him out to you. You spend your day making plans and memories that most often don't include him because you never really know for sure if  he will be able to be there. You hope he will but at any moment day or night they can call him back in to work for a multitude of reasons and when the phone rings later in the evening and he says “shit” you hold your breath hoping its not bad news. When he comes home and says “hey I have a 4 day” or “I'm not scheduled to deploy again for 2 yrs” you pretend to be excited but inside your saying ya right ill believe it when it actually happens, because we all know it very rarely happens the way they are told. Most nights you silently cry as you watch them sacrifice and give up everything including their kids marriage and family to work their ass for promotions to take care of the family and serve their country. Only to watch the person you married change and because you love them and knew to some degree this life wasn't always going to be easy, you grab their hand smile kiss them and suffer silently until you can let it all out.  I will say this I LOVE my husband and wouldn't trade any of the trials lonely nights or tears for any other life than this one I share with him!!!

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

Bonus mom struggles

I've been a bonus mom to 3 boys boys 2 of which i watch grow up from afar since i divorced my ex-spouse. I have one beautiful bonus son who is 18 months old and to say its been easy would be a lie. 

You see i have been a part of my sons life since he was born. I started dating my husband while his ex was pregnant with his son. Its really been a roller coaster of emotions and life. I was looked at as a home wreaker even though we didn't start dating till after he broke up with her. I have tried not to step on her toes and cross the visible and invisible boundaries and trust me it hasn't been easy. I'm reminded regularly that I'm not his mom yet I'm the one who takes care of him when my husband is at work I'm the one he cuddles when hes sick and he calls me mom too even after correcting him constantly. When visitation started regularly I asked what she was ok with him calling me as not to step on her toes. Yet some how I'm the evil one who is trying to steal her son since I've already stole her life. We struggle to get consistent visitation because there is always some excuse ohh no one can drive me,, oh there might be weather coming in, ohh hes sick and when we say that's ok hes our kid too and we can take care of him sick. . now don't get me wrong i understand that some of this is just the typical worrying of a mother but when it happens constantly its a little ridiculous. I think lately the worst thing has been watching my husband struggle not being able to see his son its been a month and I'm watching my husband sink deeper into himself and pull away all because she decides since we have nothing in writing yet she can keep a son from his father using the weather or scheduling drs appointments when she knows he is going to be with us and not understanding what it does to both of them now don't get me wrong our relationships have gotten better than they use to be and for that im so very thankful but its been a struggle we now get him for a week at a time and thats great but I sometimes feel like anything we will never be good enough and all my husband wants is to be apart of his sons life hes already missed out on so much due to going on a 9 month deployment when he was 3 months old and it was a struggle and than wondering if he was even the father and being called god awful names when he didn't do or say what she wanted him to telling him that if he couldn't act right that he couldn't get pictures of his son while on deployment this is just a brief over view of what we and he has dealt with 

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

You are worth finding. Worth knowing. Worth loving. You and all your one million layers. Always hold that close.

Danielle Doby (via quotefeeling)

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

“The most terrible and beautiful and interesting things happen in a life. For some of you, those things have already happened. Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will."

Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

How it all began

So I guess I should tell the story of how my life ended up here as a military wife and a bonus mom. I'm 36 so this is going to be a mouthful I guess .

This isn't my first go at being a military wife or as a bonus mom. This isn't even the first marriage I've had. This is marriage #3 for me the first time I was married to a marine and that lasted 8yrs and  to say the least was very interesting I lived in 29 palms California and made some of the most amazing friends a lot of  whom I'm still close with to this day. Sadly this marriage ended after he got out of the service due to a lot of personal issues but we have stayed friends over the yrs. My second marriage didn't fair so well I was with my ex spouse for a total of 3 yrs married for 1 1/2 and that was were I became a bonus mom for the first time to 2 amazing young men. 

So to understand how I got to where my life is now I have to explain my second marriage and what I went through that led me to my current life. 

So here we go. When I met my second spouse he (at the time) had 2 sons who I instantly fell in love with as time went on I fell in love with him and we moved into together and started a life and everything that went with co-parenting. We got married about a yr and a half after being together and I thought I knew everything about him and the life I was getting into and i was deliriously happy ....or so I thought. about 6 months after we were married my spouse came out to me as transgender and i was in full support of who they were. I fell in love with her for who she was not what was in-between her legs. I wont lie things were tough starting out trying to figure out what our lives were going to look like and telling families about what was going, but I was sure we could make it through it all together... or so I thought.  Fast forward to spring after she had come out and we were struggling as to find out how to be a couple and intimate with each other and she was trying to find her own sexuality at least that's what she told me. So we decided to open our relationship up and add another person who could help us both get what we needed and of course there were rules. long story short she broke the rules but I loved her so I we were trying to work things out and then I was presented with a unique opportunity to help a friend and solider out that needed a full time care giver where he was stationed. This meant leaving my wife and kids and take some personal time and take an opportunity to heal myself and my marriage in the prosses so with much discussion my wife and I decided that this was a good option. During this time we had an understanding that she could experiment and see other ppl to see what she wanted in a partner and discover herself. The only rules were if I ask don't lie to me don't bring them around the kids or put the kids aside to do this and unless I ask I don't need to be told. Those rules were broke with in less that 24 hrs. of me being gone and i tried to be understanding but the rules kept getting broken and then on our one yr anniversary she ignored me to sleep with the girl she originally broke our rules over and I LOST MY SHIT! I couldn't do this to my self anymore and asked for a divorce. 

Enter in my now husband who at the time was just a friend who was there when I needed someone the most as I was gong through all of this he was also ending a relationship we would later find out ended with him breaking up with her and her telling him she was pregnant ...  We were there for each other through both our brake ups. I had started to have feeling for him but held back at first due to his age (he’s 13 yrs my junior) and the fact that he was in the military and I was not sold on being an military girlfriend or anything else ever again. Over time he broke down all the walls I had build up bit my bit. He was so patient and understanding we had a few fights because well I'm stubborn and had been hurt and didn't trust him but he took his time and proved he wasn't like the last 2 and in October of 2019 we got married and this is how we got to where we are now.

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

[bonusmombreemilitarywife]

A little bit about me

So this is my lil family and I love them. My husband and my bonus son. We have been together now for just almost 2 1/2 yrs and married for 1 1/2 yrs. I met my husband knowing that he had a child on the way and it never bothered me one bit. My bonus son is 18 months old now and life has surly been fun. My husband is active duty military and we live on post which presents its own unique challenges and experiences and with both of us living far away from our families we have created our own little military family which I love and appreciate so much. I hope everyone enjoys our journey as much as I do...... Well most of the time lol