borderline-gays-club

[borderline-gays-club]

02/19/25 9:11pm

Hello my borderline baddies. It’s been a while. Life has been difficult but at this point when is it not lol.

But I’ve really been thinking about ~the void~ lately. I’ve been noticing that it still lingers within me but it’s just very subtle now especially compared to before.

It used to feel like a gaping hole but now it’s kinda like an itch that I don’t notice until I really notice.

And this is just the beginnings of this thought and just wanted to jot it down before it goes away. But really, what exactly is the void?

From what I understand everyone with personality disorders suffers from this emptiness. But where does it come from exactly? I’m not sure yet. Need to think longer about it

[borderline-gays-club]

Rare non BPD post:

I love pickles. All kinds. To Whoever across the globe invented all these pickles : thank u.

My mouth is watering now lol .

[borderline-gays-club]

11/13/24 5:18pm

I swear I can handle so much bullshit in my life and am so much better at emotionally regulating . BUT when it’s an interpersonal issue no matter how small I just spiral into a deep self loathing depression. It’s so frustrating!!!

I mean I’m getting better at regulating overall but the tool interpersonal issues take on me is DIFFERENT!!

[borderline-gays-club]

7/22/24. 10:14am

Yeah so I don’t want to kill myself anymore lol. I will say tho, this specific episode was very insightful as to what I still have sitting around inside me. I’m still processing it, but I still have this shame in me that makes me believe I am inherently ���bad”, and this shame can be very dangerous.

But what I do to prevent even more damage, I won’t talk abt my feelings while I’m in them. Because over time, I’ve learned that even if in that moment I believe that everything is true and worth sharing, I end up regretting sharing later because the pain was clouding my ability to think critically.

Anyway I’m in a weird place now, where even in the worst of my spirals I’m able to think outside of myself. I feel like I split into two people that exist at the same time: one that is actively feeling the emotion and pain and fully drowning in it, and one that is above my body and is reminding me that this is a pattern that occurs and to let myself feel but to prevent myself from spiraling too deep.

I didn’t self harm and I allowed myself to move through the dark space. I still feel guilty about what happened, and I still have that shame in me that comes out in full force when triggered. But I always remind myself, no matter how dark I go, I have been able to get out of worse and now I have more tools to get myself out.

I’m not as close to remission as I thought, I just haven’t been triggered as badly as I did the other day. But it’s okay, I’m not in a rush and I was reminded that I still have lots to work on. If anything I’m feeling humbled lol. I knew it wasn’t “over”, I was just feeling pretty okay for some time. My daily triggers have lessened, but I need to really look at those larger triggers.

[borderline-gays-club]

7/20/24. 11:20pm

Tw: self harm, suicidal ideation

Lol at me thinking my BPD just magically disappeared..granted I’ve gotten significantly and noticeably better throughout the years.

But I’m going through it right now and feeling immensely triggered and vulnerable and my mind is in a dark place. I’m having repetitive thoughts of self harm, wanting to die, feeling paranoid, etc etc. but in all honesty it’s not really new. It’s just been a while. And maybe if anything this is a little alert from inside of myself that I need to address something.

When I connected that emotional pain has a similar mechanism as physical pain, it helped me to be able to sit with the pain a bit better. Pain exists to alert your system that something needs attention right now. Like if you put your hand on a flame and didn’t feel pain, then your whole hand would burn up eventually burning your whole body.

And right now I am feeling deeply in emotional pain. And it’s mostly just old pains that are being brought up by something that happened. I accidentally did something that triggered a meltdown in my best friend last night. And on top of that I just sat in the other room hearing their cries and wails. I was frozen.

I created the problem then couldn’t do anything to soothe the problem. So now I feel like I’m a useless person and can’t understand why anyone would ever want to be my friend. I can’t understand why anyone would ever love me.

And let me pause here. I’m not just thinking these thoughts but I’m deeply feeling them right now and therefore I feel pain. But rationally I know that connecting this incident to those definitive thoughts is not correct. Yet I feel it and a big part of me now believes it. And again, I know this feeling will pass but this is where I’m at now.

This is a very delicate place to be. Because it’s important to feel the pain, but it’s another thing to prolong the pain. Like for example if you get a cut and it scabs, but then you keep picking at the scab so the wound just keeps getting reopened. I have to be careful not to do that. Because that’s when things can get dangerous.

But right now there’s a part of me that wants to get to that point. I am so tired of feeling like I have to control so much of myself to just exist, and on top of that surviving everyday feels so difficult. Im never eating enough bc money, i never feel rested after sleeping ever, all my clothes just trigger body dysmorphia, and like idk this country is rapidly becoming more and more fascist !!! Like !!!????

All the microcosms of my own internal turmoils feels so insignificant to all the global crises. But I need to remind myself that it’s all connected. Bc it is.

And I’m afraid I’m going to die without ever experiencing love for someone else or even for myself. I’m scared of dying without actually knowing who I am. I don’t want to die as this fragmented being. I want my personal dreams to come true as well, but I think I fear not knowing who I am even more. That to me feels like an eternal torture.

I’m going to be very honest. I feel the desire to cut myself even though I haven’t done it in like 6 years. I haven’t felt this desire in a very very long time. And I’m going to be even more honest: I don’t know if I’ll be able to not do it. But then again I tend to underestimate my willpower at times.

My brain is alerting me a lot right now and I just want someone else to come in and sort it all out for me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing it all by myself.

[borderline-gays-club]

7/8/24. 7:22pm

Haven’t written here in a while bc I haven’t felt the need to like before. My BPD symptoms have generally calmed down but I’m still learning new things abt my symptoms and how BPD functions in my brain.

Long story short, I had a rough convo with my mom that felt like a relational strain and I couldn’t brush it off and I couldn’t really talk abt it because it was too difficult.

Eventually I sorted it out within myself and with my therapist and I’m still reflecting on it all. Anyway during the peak moments of this internal turmoil my BPD symptoms all swooped back in like it never left.

I was feeling insecure abt my relationships, had that constant angry but really just sad kid in my head essentially telling me that ppl don’t care about you as much as you care abt them etc etc. just the usual but still not as bad as my worst times.

And I was feeling distraught about the fact that I thought my BPD was gone (silly me), and now I’m having all these stupid thoughts again and it makes me not want to be around people because it’s all too stressful. But I managed my emotions and was able to work through it for the most part.

I still have these ups and downs and I’m now aware that these symptoms probably won’t ever fully go away. That’s what I’ve heard ppl in remission say at least. It’s more about managing the symptoms and I’m getting better at that for sure. It is still not easy but I feel like I can breathe better

[borderline-gays-club]

4/24/24. 11:38am

Some recent thoughts that have been stewing in my head for a few weeks:

I’m slowly feeling my BPD symptoms shedding and dissipating from my body and soul. And this current shedding does not feel temporary but rather a beginning to a new growth.

I’ve finally delved into the roots of my shame and am really going head first into it. Already this initial step has relieved such a huge weight off of myself. I feel lighter everyday , I feel more purposeful, and closer to healing this relationship with myself. It actually feels possible to enter remission before I’m 35. Honestly I might be able to by the time I’m 30 but I’m not gonna focus too much on the age, and will continue to take the time I need.

A few things that have really been working for me:

-moving very slow: I’ve had a really bad habit for basically my whole life of moving way too fast. I have to do 10 things in a day to feel accomplished. I have to finish this difficult thing by a very short period of time etc etc. I didn’t give myself time to just exist, and my whole existence was dedicated to production and proving my worth through that. And I lost myself completely in that. I didn’t give myself time to literally smell the flowers. I would feel guilty if I leisurely went about my day without doing a productive thing. But now I’m actually understanding productivity in a different way. This production mode I was in was really fuckin killing me. Both my body and soul. My identity became even more obscure and distant to me. And now I can sit and just talk to myself for hours without feeling like I have to rush through the day. I really am more intentional about rushing as little as possible. Ofc capitalism forces us all to move too fast, but I do my absolute best to fight that speed and to always prioritize slowness and gentleness.

-actually talking about my shame and trying really hard to understand it: this one is the most recent thing I’ve finally had the ability to pursue. It’s taken so long to actually enter this phase of my understanding of myself, and I’ve known how crucial it is but I was just too scared. This one has been really fucking hard to break through and I’m just starting so I don’t have much to say yet. But I’m moving through the process: no matter how painful the truth is more important than hiding in myself and being secretive. That has been the reason for this rot I’ve felt in my body for so long.

-doing things that are purely pleasurable and that are fully self ignited: when I say fully self ignited I mean something that doesn’t rely on outside things. And I guess I’m still trying to find a better way to say it, but I’m thinking of pleasure that doesn’t rely on things like substances or addictivite people or etc. basically pleasure outside of addictive highs whatever the source of that is. Cus even video games or food can be addictive which I’ve talked abt before. For example things I’ve found the most pleasurable have been things I make or actively participate in. Like writing stories, or singing, or boxing etc. I’ll find a better way to describe this one but hopefully I’m getting the idea across.

-revisiting and participating in childhood interests and joys: this one has been so healing for me in terms of understanding identity. I feel like the moment I started to lose a sense of self was when I started to try really hard to be liked and accepted instead of doing what I do and finding like minded ppl. So revisiting childhood interests has been reminding myself of what was important to me before I started to absorb others. It’s a good starting point to build upon and to shed all the ppl I’ve absorbed throughout most of my life.

-treating myself like I’m in a full time dedicated relationship with myself: I take myself out on dates. I have a dedicated day every week that is just for me, my solo day. I do whatever I want when I want. I eat what I want, I play my games that I want, I watch what I want, etc. and even throughout the week I’ll have moments where I get a nice coffee for myself or do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but haven’t been able to. This isn’t like necessary lol but I do kinda treat myself like 2 ppl and will have full convos with myself. It helps to think of myself as 2 bc then I can feel like I’m caring for another while also caring for myself.

-reading/listening/learning abt vast range of topics that eventually overlap with BPD related things. Basically diversifying my sources of knowledge instead of boxing myself in just psychiatry/therapy worlds: this one took a long time bc the immediate resources you find when you just Google BPD fuckin suck. And everything that is easy to find is stuck in DBT and western thought. With that said, DBT has definitely helped me a lot, but I think it was best as an introduction rather than the full solution. I mean I remember being like huh?? When I found out that DBT was treated like a bible within BPD treatment. I knew deep down that relying on one method to treat such a vast range of experiences is not realistic. There’s no such thing as one size fits all. Every individual is too complex and layered even with the same diagnoses. But I will say it’s very tricky to navigate finding other ways of treatment/understand self bc it can be easy to fall into traps of cultish ideologies or “self help” things that are really actually fucked up and make you regress. Outside of DBT stuff though a lot of things that have helped me better understand myself has been general emotion science, anything that really analyzes shame, reading books abt my own specific sources of shame, disability justice, and idk a lot of other stuff! I still haven’t allowed myself to get into reading abt spirituality stuff cus I’m just not ready yet. But slowly I’ll get there to better understand where I come from and where my lineage lies.

-finding and maintaining community: this one is also hard in the beginning and tbh is not always possible. But the more I grow, the easier it becomes to maintain relationships that eventually lead to a community. Like my immediate community is only 3 ppl including myself but even just that has been so amazing. We all have slowly learned how to support each other esp as we are all neurodivergent and disabled and it’s been genuinely beautiful. I’m lucky to find the friends that I have, and I’m also so happy to be in a place where I can healthily support my friends too. And now I’m able to look for community in different ways. And I’m also at a place where I can set boundaries with others and a lot more quickly sniff out red flags and keep distance when it’s needed.

Anyway I’m really proud of myself to be in the place I am. I really could not see a future for myself until Mayb like 2 yrs ago and now I’m more hopeful than ever. It’s been so fucking hard but I’m so grateful that I have been dedicated to change. And!! Not to mention I haven’t been able to go o therapy as much as I wud like bc im broke as shit, but I’m still able to grow on my own in a steady pace. And now I’m really seeing it in myself as I continue to work through all of it. I can genuinely say I love myself and wow I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid probably (excluding euphoria and manic episodes lol). Thank u to anyone who’s read this far and I wish you the absolute best in your own healing journey.

[borderline-gays-club]

Omg I love buff women 😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

[borderline-gays-club]

turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5

[borderline-gays-club]

03/13/24. 11:37am

I think I’m feeling finally more able to explore a more masculine version of myself in terms of how I dress. I realized that being in sexual/romantic relationships with men really fucked with my gender identities. I wud just automatically go into hyper feminine mode and leave it at that. And it all just comes from wanting to b desired and knowing how easy it was for men to want to fuck me if I became a hyper feminine version of myself which really was never me as I constructed this image based on what men desired.

And now that I realize that I’m a lesbian lmao, things are different. I’m still like thinking of myself in terms of how others view me, which is problematic, but I’m glad I’m not in that chokehold of catering to men’s desires. With that said, I need to be careful of not doing the same things for women/enbies. Like I don’t want to dress a certain way just bc I kno that wud b considered attractive. I’m still exploring and finding my style and how to feel comfortable in my body with the use of clothing and accessories and I’m excited for this exploration. It’s just tough bc I don’t have money to spend on clothes like that, but if anything I can just slowly collect things. I’ll find a way.

And I’ve been sitting with this and I’m still not sure how I feel abt it but I’ve been wanting to look like a boy that dresses like a girl. And like idk wat that means for me cus I’m afab but idk Mayb it’s not even that uncommon and I’m just feeling uncertain abt myself. Anyway I’m just taking it slow :)

[borderline-gays-club]

When u can’t tell if ur disconnect with ur body is from gender dysphoria or general body image trauma or a combo of everything🥴

[borderline-gays-club]

Omg I had such an insane dream last night I’m still feeling the glow from it 😂😂.

But basically James spader was his character from Secretary (the movie that 50 shades of gray was inspired by and they fucked it up lolll), but anyway instead of my boss he was my psychiatrist which honestly is so much worse LOL. Anyway it was so hot he was coming on to me after he scolded me for being selfish for not accepting help after a lot of effort was put into me or some shit and made me feel small but it was more like putting me in my place. And then I was in those old school therapy recliner chairs and he started to hold my foot ??? Lollll

And then he was feeding me a burger he cut up real neat at a certain point and ofc my BPD brain still exists in my dreams so I was becoming severely obsessed with him and just wanted to b engulfed by him it was so intense 😂😂. AND it was funny cus I still had that internal dialogue in my dream that was like…you’re falling into obsession..this is dangerous..you’re starting to want to b secretive to keep this relationship…Mayb I can see him just once a month? Etc etc

And anyway I woke up just like in that feeling of obsession drooly glow lmao and it was kinda nice cus it’s not attached to real life at all, cus also James spader is old now and I’m not interested and it was his character that got me fucked up. Lol that shit felt like I got drugged in my dream. And now in waking life I’m just riding on like 1% of that high from the dream. Kinda wild lol.

Just been looking at pics of young James spader today LMAO. It’s been fun, it’ll last Mayb a week at the absolute most lol.

Prob gonna watch Secretary tonight bc god damn that movie fucks me up . Younger version of him is like one of two white men that I actually find attractive 😂😂😂

[borderline-gays-club]

03/07/24. 11:18pm

I had a rough week. A lot of lows and life testing me lol. Just been feeling depressed abt wasting my life at my stupid job and not being able to get anything that’s not customer service related. I haven’t even gotten responses from restaurants: the industry that I have 6 years of experience in…

And I’ve just been applying nonstop to any job that isn’t gonna make me want to die for the past like 3 months. And writing cover letters and constantly looking at jobs that I barely don’t qualify for and the job market in general just being a hellhole. And now that I’m getting a crumb of interviews, just wasting my time going to these things hoping I get hired. It’s just all depressing and it’s been finally hitting me.

And of course bc of all this my money problems are exacerbated and it’s just constant anxiety abt money. And etc etc

I finally mustered up some hope in me like 2 days ago too and just got physically exhausted from my job. Then the next morning I had my whole day planned to keep my hope alive and just got crushed again. I waited 5 hrs outside for a check I didnt even end up getting that day. And it was raining and I was wet and cold and hungry lol. Had to ask my mom for help who has already been helping me a lot with money and I’m very privileged to have her as a safety net but she’s been talking abt being tight on money now so I just hate asking for extra help. I just wail cried for like 10 minutes and asked my friends to help me with dinner prep. I’m learning to ask for help slowly when I’m not okay instead of either isolating or pretending like I’m ok and holding it in. I’m still learning the balance of how much of my feelings to show/express in front of others. Mostly bc in the past my feelings wud just b too extreme and take up too much space.

But today was better. I got my check, was able to pay the rest of my rent, was able to eat something yummy and feel full, got a few art supplies to start a small project I’ve been thinking abt the past few days. I was gonna work on stuff but I’ve been learning how to slow down. Bc pushing myself too hard all at once just ends up in huge breakdowns and burnouts. It’s not worth it at all. So I just chilled and petted my kitty and was present with her. Didn’t feel guilty abt not being “productive”. I really needed some emotional, and mental and physical rest. It’s just been a lot.

And I’m mostly writing all this down bc I need to remember these moments where I can see myself making small improvements in hard habits. Like slowing down esp when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being present in my existence. And asking for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and not okay instead of isolating or faking I’m fine.

And then just now, something happened that I wanted to jot down. So I made dinner for everyone and it didn’t turn out right. My friend who, long story short, cannot eat food if the texture/taste is icky to them and it emotionally affects them negatively to eat food that is wrong, ate a little bit and couldn’t eat. Also them not eating sets them up for a difficult next day, and bc of other things they didn’t eat much today. So I felt really shit that I made the food inedible for them and just went silent for like 10 min. And of course they noticed and asked and I told them I just felt bad cus they cudnt eat.

And we watched Naruto and just chilled and I felt my spiral dissipate. Just expressing it out loud slowed down my spiral. Cus in the moment I was just getting intrusive thoughts like “you’re a failure, youre a terrible friend, you can’t even do simple things right, you’re so miserable, you should punish yourself by not eating, it’s all your fault that you ruined their whole day for tomorrow, they’re going to suffer bc of u etc etc”. And then I was like I can either isolate (which felt like the “better” more familiar option) and continue to spiral into self hating gunk OR stay present and just say the feeling out loud and see where it goes from there.

Although I wanted to do the first thing (isolate), I said no. Bc I knew I wud just sulk and be upset and it wud just turn into a whole existential deep hatred for myself especially with how the week went. So I sat and processed what to do. My friend asked if I was ok. I said it simply that I felt bad cus they cudnt eat. We continued watching the show and the spiral dissipated as I engaged with my friends again and got out of my head and present with the moment and the show.

And then there was a moment after the show was done and I said sorry for getting moody, and explained the whole thought process above.

And I didn’t say this out loud cus I didn’t want to take up too much time deep diving esp cus it was getting late and my friend was just low from not eating well today, but another thing to note is I know where this extreme splitting of myself is coming from.

This is also very specific to my best friend who I am talking abt. We had a rough past, bc of me and essentially my unchecked/undiagnosed BPD. There was a point where they basically said if I don’t change the relationship can’t continue. And I’m still grappling with the guilt of the pain I put them through. And I know it’ll take time. But this is why when I make a mistake or don’t do something exactly as I planned when it’s something including my friend I spiral into this guilt self hatred shit. But I will say I’ve gotten better over time.

I remember before I literally bawled bc I offered them a cinnamon roll I made and they politely said no thank you. And I just immediately spiraled like: oh god they think the food I made is disgusting so therefore I’m disgusting and horrible and vile and they’re going to leave me and they secretly hate me and etc etc. and thinking abt this now I’m like…god damn. It was really that intense for me!!! And now I wud just not react that way at all. And I later told my friend this whole thing and they were like oh I just literally brushed my teeth and just didn’t want that specific food item in that moment anyway. Lol it was just such a non situation and I blew it up in my head.

And like I definitely still do this and struggle but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. And in regards to the situation that happened tonight, instead of catastrophizing and being like oh god now tomorrow will be all bad and my friend is going to starve!! I slowed down and was like well, what are possible solutions? They can’t get food in the morning bc it’s too early, I can’t make them food early in the morning bc they expressed they need something high dopamine to b able to eat after a bad texture food (can’t b the usual breakfasts I make), they can’t eat something near their job bc there’s not much nearby and their break is short, BUT I can try to order them food near their job during their break. So we figured that out together and hopefully It will work out. And even if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world. It will just suck, but it’s a situation that can be recovered. And ppl make mistakes, and the mistake i made is just something that can happen sometimes. And there are solutions to these problems.

I need to practice more self compassion bc self hate doesn’t even benefit the situation nor the relationship. If anything it makes everything worse.

So yeah. I wanted to write this all out so I can look back and really see the progress I’ve been making and im proud of myself for that. Bc esp when spirals and bad days and weeks and sometimes months happen, I can remind myself that I am getting better slowly instead of just thinking everything is the same. Bc it can b hard to think I’m getting better when I still go thru intense emotional waves.

I just need to continue to push forward and slow down at the same time :)

[borderline-gays-club]

03/04/24. 10:43am

I’m feeling emotional today, crying on the train to get to work. I’ve been battling this depression the past week or so and trying to find hope. I had a conversation abt our dreams with my best friend this morning and I feel a lot rn.,

It’s so hard knowing what I want/need in my life yet the grind of just trying to stay alive is preventing me from being able to work on anything in the way that I want. And then just feeling perpetually behind bc of my neurodivergence and my fun assortment of mental illnesses it’s hard not to sink into deep depression. this depression creeps up from time to time anyway, and I just need to continue to battle it all. It’s so hard, and I know I’m not the only one. Literally everyone is struggling this same struggle. To not have your creativity and love for life beat the fuck out of you is a daily fight. It’s really so hard, but then the alternative is to just be a worker dead inside with no hope, no dreams, no space to imagine a better future.

It’s always so sad hearing abt ppl giving up their dreams for the sake of survival and bc everyone’s just tired. So many ppl are just empty and complacent in their emptiness. Bc imagining a better future is also fighting all these oppressive systems. If you’re too loud abt it u can literally get killed. But if you’re not loud abt it you die internally and succumb to the weight of oppression.

Every time I feel hopeless I just think of every person that has had their dreams, their beautiful life just violently stolen from them. How cruel that is to be born into life with a natural love for life, for that to be stripped of you.

I think about the thought of being hopeless In life being a privilege. Which is also what makes me continue to fight on within myself so I can fight for a better future not just for myself but for humans and all life. I refuse to let this hellish system kill my soul. Even if they kill my body, I have to die with fight in me. I don’t want to be a coward. I have so much fight in me, I made it this far.

I think about every single martyr that we see on our phones daily in Palestine. And all the martyrs throughout this imperial colonial regime that have become nameless. Babies that couldn’t even make it to their first birthday. How evil is that. They barely breathed life and got it all ripped away. All this suffering for the benefit of a few ppl.

And I can’t help but feel guilty that I have the privilege of still being able to chase my dreams. But I can’t let that guilt keep me frozen. I have to keep moving. What does it mean to honor all of these people who’s live were violently stolen? What does it mean for me to live my life with courage and not succumb to cowardice and complacency? These are the things I am grappling with. And that I need to find answers to. We all deserve a life that is filled with violent torture and bloodshed. We all have a right to Live a life with love and care and compassion and joy. I’m so so tired but I can’t let hopelessness and despair overcome my fight and love for life. I need to keep fighting. The sadness is only a part of the fight. There will be victories even in these desperate times. Humans are resilient.

[borderline-gays-club]

2/29/24 9:20 pm

I’m in a place again where my self esteem is not really in great shape. And I’m in a place where I can/need to be honest with myself abt that. It’s where it can be a bit hard to look at myself in the mirror. Where I take photos of myself and it’s kinda hard to recognize that’s me. Or feel positive about my image. And I don’t like this feeling which is why I’m here writing.

There’s definitely a few factors at play; some are new some are old. I think one thing that’s been tough in general is what I am currently experiencing as a no identity self. By that I mean that I’m not stuck on an extreme feeling so my whole personality is not revolving around a feeling state. For example when I was hyper sexual and rage fueled that became my whole thing. Literally my other tumblr handle lol. Which I don’t really relate to anymore.

But the thing is, these were never really my personality anyway. Not in its core. They’re always fleeting, as emotions are fleeting. Which means my personality would just cling on to whatever is the most present. Just like how my personality wud also cling onto ppl in my life. And bc I’m not in any extreme emotional state I feel kinda lost. I feel vulnerable and bare. And trying to find something to hold onto. But it’s different than that horrid empty feeling. Bc I’m seeking out self in more positive ways and trying to be gentle and take my time with it. And really emphasize to myself that it’s ok to feel this lostness and that it’s important not to rush into a new “personality” for the sake of getting rid of this discomfort. I need to move slowly. I struggle with that so much.

Another thing that has not been great for my self esteem is my clothing. I’ve just been wearing ugly clothes that don’t really fit me that great for a while. And I haven’t really worn anything flattering in a while. So I don’t feel good in my clothes basically all the time. So I don’t feel good abt that. Also my hair needs to be cut lol. I don’t like how it looks rn so my hair is just always in a haphazard bun. And I don’t like that I always have to default to glasses rn bc I can’t afford contacts. I don’t like that all the jewelry I own just irritates my skin bc it’s cheap so I can’t accessorize. I don’t like not putting in effort in my appearance, but to be honest I just feel tired bc I’m broke and I can’t afford to look how I want anyway. It’s just a money problem. I’ll start to try when I can tho with what I have, bc it is taking a toll on my self image.

And lastly the way I’ve been exercising has not been great. I don’t enjoy going to the gym anymore. It’s boring and I just have fully concluded it’s just not for me. And it doesn’t help that I wud obsessively go to the gym when I was in the deep pits of ED so it doesn’t exactly have the best history. I thought it wouldn’t affect me but idk now. I thought going with a friend wud help, and I mean it has in terms of staying consistent. But it doesn’t make me like it. It still feels forced and I kinda just want it to b over. Which is not good. Cus that means I’m not really in my body while I’m doing it which is what I struggle with anyway.

When I did boxing when I was able to, it felt so different. It was the first time I was able to do an exercise consistently and consistently get more and more excited abt it. I actually felt very aware of my body and what I was doing with it. I felt very connected to my body which is a struggle for me. I’ll think more on this later, but I think the difference is that with boxing there’s feedback involved. As in there’s another person that needs to be involved to actually play the sport/game. There’s strategy involved and so many skills to master, and you pick which ones you want to master. I think it’s all these layers that kept me hooked and wanting to get better.

Anyway these are my current thoughts. I’m just in a place of deep frustration bc there’s so many things that I kno will help me, but I just can’t do it bc of money. In the meantime I’m just adapting to what I can do. But frustration has been a core feeling for a while.

[borderline-gays-club]

hour in the life of a girl with bpd :3

[borderline-gays-club]

I really really wish I was a cat, I’m not built for this capatalist society but I am built for sleeping 19 hours a day and knocking things over