borderlinebrainz - Tumblr blog

[borderlinebrainz]

Another day of dissociation... Another day of a constant headache I can't get rid of. Days blurring together again. Will I ever wake up from this dream?

[borderlinebrainz]

shitty vent comic abt pain. got angry on the last pg

(do not tag as ‘kin’ or 'me’)

[borderlinebrainz]

INTRO POST:

Name: Solaris

Age: 22

Gender: Transmasc Nonbinary

Pronouns: They/Them or He/Him

Sexuality: Polyromantic Demi-Greysexual (I don't like cis-men because of trauma)

Likes: Skyrim, Wolves, Hiking/The Outdoors, Tea, Witchcraft and Paganism, Art and Coloring

Dislikes: Bad Trauma Days (TM), My Chronic Illness, Being Dizzy All The Damn Time, Food, Crowds, Loud Noises

Triggers: Sex/Porn (When I Don't Wanna See It), Gore, Pro-Ana/Mia, Self-harm, MAP, (NO)MAP, MAP Supporters, Suicide blogs, NSFW, DDLG (And Variants), ABDL, Homophobia, Transphobia, Narcissistic People, Gaslighting, Being Controlled, Authority, Confrontation

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Mental Illnesses:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Autism, ADHD, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anxiety and Depression

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I also have a DNI list that I will be putting on all my personal posts as well as keeping it in my intro and my bio. You will be blocked and reported if you interact with my blog and you are on my DNI list. I don't give out any warnings either.

DNI: porn, gore, pro-ana/mia, self-harm, MAP, (NO)MAP, MAP supporters, suicide blogs, NSFW, kink, fetish, ddlg (and variants), abdl, homophobic, transphobic

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This is essentially my Vent/Traumacore/Mental Illness sideblog where topics I discuss or post here are essentially triggering. You have been warned. I don't post any trigger warnings or tag any either. If you don't like how I run my blog then please, block me. I don't want to start any shit with anyone. If you fail to read this part of my intro as well as my bio at the top of my page, that is 100% on you. Again, you have been warned.

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Love how blogs that are on my DNI list liked and interacted with my blog, it's not hard to follow damn rules. If it's on my DNI list it's probably a good chance that it's an extreamly EXTREAMLY triggering topic for me and the rest of my system. DON'T FUCKING DO IT! Period!

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Things I Didn’t Know Were Symptoms of C-PTSD

Getting overwhelmed in crowds

Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm

Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)

Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)

Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.

Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there

Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.

Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged

Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen

Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.

Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”

[borderlinebrainz]

12.12.2020

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Have you ever dissociated your pain away to the point that there are chunks of your childhood life that are missing? I mean I know what happened to me but I don't feel like the kid that expirienced those painful memories were me. There are memories that are in my head that aren't mine. They were implanted in my skull somehow, telling me how life works and whatnot, while it's not even my own thoughts anymore. I don't know what it was that made my psyche this fucked up to the point where I see different parts that make up my whole but it happened. And I know I've been struggling with it for a while, possibly even longer than when I can remember. For the longest time I was ignoring it all, but now that I know it's there, I just can't ignore it anymore. It's always a reminder of how child me expirienced the world. And I know there's no way to be whole again. When my psyche split, that was it. There's no putting broken pieces back together. I can seem okay but somewhere in the deepest parts of my mind, I know I'm not. And I know I'm just rambling to the void again but somehow I feel safer talking to the void rather than talking to my friends or family. How would they understand what happened to me? At least the void accepts me, even if sometimes he can't understand. At least the void listens to me. At least.......

[borderlinebrainz]

This as well as my chronic illness never make me get good sleep

Me: *is asleep*

The Mental Illness™️: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

Me: WHAT’S HAPPENING??!

The Mental Illness™️: WE HAD A NIGHTMARE!!!!!

Me: Oh no!! What about???

The Mental Illness™️: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Me: …Don’t you remember? You seemed pretty shaken up.

The Mental Illness™️: All you need to know is that it was super scary and you should never sleep again

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I tried the melatonin, I am litterally exhausted but that doesn't mean my brain just automatically shuts off like a light switch.

My stomach hurts, I don't know what from. I had a bad emetophobia episode today, figured out that I hadn't eaten all day nor have I drunk any water either. I was litterally at work and I felt like I was going to throw up, which caused a domino effect in my brain and sent me into a spiral. I think I took too many meds and I over did it but all I wanted to do was end the feeling like I was going to be sick. I know it's dangerous but my phobia is really that bad. And amongst all this I realised I had completely missed my therapist appointment on the 2nd which caused even more stress in me.

By the time I got home from work, my fiance had to catch me because I was on the verge of passing out. The only reason why I didn't eat right away when i got home was because I was scared that I might throw it back up again, which didn't happen thank gods.

I know I need help but gods is it hard to ask for it when you feel like a burden all the time because it's so repetitive that even you get sick of the thoughts that constantly run through your head. I feel broken but at least I'm not dead, right?