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[borninprestige]

𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬.

The journey to perfection is not through the eyes of others but through your own eyes. You may not always understand issues that do not pertain to the heart but be a master in areas that do. Nobody knows everything and nobody can be a master of everything. Nobody was created perfect, and nobody should be measured according to perfection. It is the weight of your heart that matters the most in the end. All else is irrelevant.

   The weight of responsibilities was finally taking a toll on me,  𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 always preserve the daughter of the year image, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 always be my own mother’s personal care taker,  𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 always be the ideal girlfriend Akeno needs and 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 always be Julien’s rock. I’ve flirted with the idea of letting loose for some time now, a night of endless drinking and partying without having to carry any burdens. I have reached out to everyone else, hoping they would be on board but no one seemed willing to join, why would they? They don’t come running when I ask them to, I am not Julien. I wasn’t going to allow any noxious thoughts to poison my night, I shouldn’t. 

“𝘈𝘶𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘈𝘶𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱, 𝘈𝘶𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯.” Did they ever stop and wonder how I felt through any of this? Did they ever care enough to help? No, they all just assumed I was used to surviving all the struggles and overcoming obstacles with such ease so it really didn’t matter what crisis I faced at the time. I am 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩, right? The perfect example of handling a mentally ill mom while being an adult at seventeen. 

  I scoffed, shutting my phone off for the night. No, I can’t be reached tonight. They can surely find someone else to pester with their meaningless problems, like what they should be wearing at fashion week? Prada or Dior? What a crisis. The night had started early, I made sure to warm myself up with a bottle of Chardonnay from my mom’s rare collection. It did the trick just fine. My mom was right when she said it helped her quiet her mind, it did that for me too. Like mother like daughter, right? Wearing a pretty revealing dress, tonight we don’t care about the consequences. Tonight is all about letting loose and trying things we never normally do. Being who I am, once I told people my name I was immediately lead towards the VIP section of the club. No surprise there. You can always find all kinds of treats in such places and since Max isn’t here to offer his entertainment boosters, I need to purchase them somewhere else. Funny how I always refused to take those things from him, even when he insisted and now I am specifically looking for those services. How the mighty have fallen. Whoever was standing on the dancefloor had unknowingly purchased tickets to my spiralling. The boosters were a little too strong for my taste but tonight we don’t care, we just act and they were already kicking in. Provocatively dancing all by myself, rhythm is one of the most powerful of pleasures, and when we feel pleasurable rhythm we hope that it will continue. Maybe the help of the intoxication is making the music much sweeter than it actually is but I will be taking advantage of it for as long as it lasts. 

 It didn’t take long for some random person to make his way up to me, I was counting on it. And he was cute enough to waste my time on. “Dance with me.” I said with a teasing smile, I knew exactly what I was doing. Of course, he agreed to it. He would be crazy not to. He probably saw me as an easy prey to spend the night with and I just saw him as a distraction. The perfect combination. Our bodies merging together in perfect sync, feeling each and every movement he had to offer. It didn’t take him long to build up the courage and spread his hands all over my body and I let him. It felt good and I needed someone to make me feel good for once. Before I even had a moment to absorb everything that was happening, his lips were already crashing on mine. And yet again, I let him. I even responded just as hungrily. Giving him exactly what he wanted to.

. . . The next part is slightly blurry, I don’t necessarily remember how I landed on his apartment but the rest is clear as day. We fucked and I didn’t even hesitated for a second. Was it the influence of the so called boosters? Maybe, but I’ve never felt as free as I am now. The next morning came a little too soon, I wasn’t ready to face the physical or mental consequences of last night’s exploits. Waking up in a dim room, the sun hadn’t set fully yet. Looking around the room until I was met with his sleeping figure next to me. It just came to me that I didn’t even ask his name. I quietly slipped myself out of the bed and begun the search of my clothes. Once I’ve successfully gathered them all, I started sliding them on. I tip toed towards the window, getting a clear view of my current location. Brooklyn. I carried my shoes all the way out, hoping I wouldn’t make any noise, I would hate any type of confrontation with him right now. All I wanted was to go home and wash this shameful night away. 

   My emotions are spiralling out of control, I never promised I would be logical at a time like this. I stopped telling myself that I am lost. I am not. I am on a road with no destination and I am driving with hope. I am not lost, I am just on my way.

[borninprestige]

𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭.

Experimentation is the greatest science. It pleases to experiment, it offers such an odd satisfaction. But we all fear the unexpected, we are all scared to adapt to changes until we taste them. What is the 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 in her case? Waking up between two of her childhood best friends, one of them being her boyfriend and the other being the man she cheated on her boyfriend not so long ago. . . Their yearning urges lead into a cataclysm of lustful actions between the trio. They were unstoppable, befalling into one an other’s arms without considering the aftermath of their actions. One reckless night conducted to an other, then an other and an other. . . but her heart was faithful, that’s all that mattered until now. 

    “𝐇𝐞𝐲.” Max uttered in a mellow tone as he placed himself next to a visibly flustered blonde, the aftereffect of her mother’s injury was a sensitive matter and still a headache. Yes, her mom was obviously recovering but she was still drained from the weight of responsibilities. Scared of a possible setback, a relapse, an other turn for the worse. She slowly lifted her gaze and was instantly greeted by a comforting look, one Max wore perfectly. “𝐌𝐚𝐱, 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝..” He immediately understood the hidden meaning behind that statement, wrapping a harboring arm around her shoulders in his attempt to soothe her worries, he held her securingly into his embrace. She dared to relax, she dared to find comfort, she dared to feel good. . . “𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐈 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐞.” His tone was so quiescent yet so welcoming, she slowly arched her gaze to meet his, with a sincere smile effortlessly laying on her lips. Both parties unintentionally inclined forward, her eyes hooked on his lips until her own touched them and all senses were lost. When his lips touch hers, she could feel the earth below her melt away and all time stops for that moment. She only feels. When his tongue just grazes her, it sets her on fire. His kiss is his signature. They slowly withdrew but barely. . . his eyes move to her lips and she knows he is thinking the same thing. She can feel it in the way the air changes between them, she can almost taste him half an inch away, she can feel the tiny hairs on her skin lift and reach for him like plants seeking the sunlight. She should feel bad Akeno wasn’t with them to share this moment but nothing feels bad about this. “....𝐮𝐡𝐦, 𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐨 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐨𝐦. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧.” And with that, she stepped back into her mom’s room in a hurry. 

“𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡?” Her mom asked, she was effortlessly glowing. Can you even blame her? Her perfectly shaped brows instantly furrowed prickly before shaking her head repeatedly. “𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠.” The blonde exclaimed. “𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞.” Her mom added combined with a light laughter, the teen couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲, 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲?“ Kiki nodded but didn’t offer an actual response. Audrey’s defensive tone must have scared her off and it’s probably for the best. 

    A couple of days flew by and her mom was finally being released from the hospital. God, it felt like forever. . but she is okay, she is healthy. She is her mom again, that’s all that matters. A bag of her mom’s belongings strapped around her shoulder while she opened the room’s door, the sight on the other side made her freeze. . . A quite exultant Max stood before them with a large bouquet of roses in his grasp. “𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐦....” He said and without hesitation he extended the flowers towards her. Thank God, no lilies. That flower is pure evil. “𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲.” He added before shifting his attention towards her now. Dragging his other arm from behind his back slowly, teasing a big reveal. A preserved blue rose in a glass case was presented. Her mouth nearly dropped, it was such a divine sight. . . “𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮.” He said with such a proud grin, she froze, she simply wandered her dark orbs across his features, wondering, dreaming. Her thoughts were louder than ever. But all he did was look back at her with those piercing blue eyes and she was incapable of uttering a single word. “𝐎𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞.” He added yet again since none of them felt like talking right now, taking a firm hold of the bag that was currently wrapped around her and took it upon himself to carry it. Kiki smiled and exited the room first. “𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐌𝐚𝐱. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐬.” He politely smiled back, a different kind of smile, he rarely wears those. “𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐞.” Now he said in his familiar playful tone, that was enough to shake her out of her delirium. She simply smiled and walked beside him as they left the hospital.... 𝘞𝘰𝘢𝘩, just 𝘸𝘰𝘢𝘩. What just happened?

As a gesture of graditute, Kiki invited him over for dinner. It would be a lie If she said she wasn’t happy about it. All this time, Akeno didn’t cross her mind once. Was she a terrible person? Was she a terrible girlfriend? But they agreed to.. openly spend time with Max. It’s not a crime, I suppose. The dinner went by contentedly. They laughed, they ate, her mom always liked Max and she enjoyed his company, maybe she cherished it more than she did her own daughter’s.  But she liked Aki just as much. Her mother excused herself not long after, the exhaustion of the day and the load of her previous hospital days were finally catching up to her. The teen is surprised she lasted this much without falling asleep. And silence..... Max’s gaze felt like it could pierce her skin, his gaze did strange things to her defenses. His gaze electrified her, terrified her even, in his eyes she saw her heart’s truth and passion’s possibility. She had to force herself out of the daze. “𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐨 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐧.” Nodding, she merged from her seat and started to startle everything around her. “𝐍𝐨 𝐧𝐨 𝐧𝐨, 𝐧𝐨. 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐨 𝐢𝐭, 𝐠𝐨 𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨.” Of course, she refused. He has already done so much. “𝐍𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐲... 𝐌𝐚𝐱. 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐨 𝐢𝐭, 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲.” He shook his head, again and again. “𝐈 𝐰𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝, 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟... 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐲.” Of course, he had to make a Max joke. She scoffed, it was pointless to argue. Instead, she dragged her little worn out frame into the bedroom and collapsed her body onto that spacious mattress of hers. Some time passed, she couldn’t exactly tell how much. . . but she eventually felt the weight on her bed shifting, a sign that someone joined her. Her drowsy gaze soon adjusted on his frame, his voice calm and reassuring. “𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐧𝐨𝐰.”  His words alarmed her, she instictively reached for his palm, clearly stopping him from walking away. “𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐲.” And he stayed. He stayed with her like a shadow in her darkest times, he wasn’t always visble but he was there. . . She curled her restless body into his embrace, seeking for peace, seeking his warmth. He grazed his lips across her forehead and whispered. “𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐦 𝐈 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐀𝐮𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐲 𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐞?” She didn’t respond. 

The Moon was fully lit setting the stage, so the cherry blossoms could dance on Denman Street. And magic happened but the beauty went deeper under our skin and found our hearts singing us to sleep. 

The sunlight creeped in, she had neglected to shut the curtains the night before. It took her a minute to properly flicker her eyes open, he was awake too and he was still here. No further meaningless words were said, they both reached forward and claimed each other’s lips. It didn’t take long until he rolled himself on the top of her. They were losing all senses once again, ignoring the consequences. And when he kiseed her again, the seconds slowed. They stretched out and made more time. She felt his bare body against hers, unravelling everything else that was between them and her soul unwound, threading itself to his. And she let it. She gave herself to him. Because she was already his.

[borninprestige]

No hope.

“Audrey! Focus, what should we wear tonight?” Luna exclaimed loudly while she was lost in her daze, the blonde shook her head in confusion. Resting her book against the concrete of the steps and hoisted her body from her current position. Glances of wonderment were being casted towards her, she simply clenched her phone and walked a bit further from the girls. Mumbling in the process. “I’ll be right back.” Dialing her mother’s phone number, the call went through but she was taking longer than usual to respond. Pacing back and forth, her mind was already racing. What If something dreadful happened? She was anticipating trouble and worrying about something that may not even happening, until her mother’s voice finally became apparent. 

  𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩, 𝘼𝙪𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙮?   she spoke, as If she was burdened by her own daughter’s phone call. 

𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮, 𝙢𝙤𝙢? 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙛𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙙. The teen was rightfully concerned. 

𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮, 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚, 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙜𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩... Her choice of words and slurring of her speech could only mean one thing, she had yet again found comfort in an other bottle of Chardonnay, maybe multiple ones. That was her favourite, after all. 

𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙞𝙙𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙤𝙢? 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙧𝙪𝙣𝙠? 𝙄𝙩'𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙣𝙤𝙤𝙣 𝙮𝙚𝙩. She was alarmed and angered by her mother’s familiar exploits. Her concern only grew when the call dropped. For all she knew, her mom could be laying unconscious right now.  Frustrated and unnerved by the entire conversation, she decided to return home. She wouldn’t able to concentrate or talk fashion after this phone call. Simply dropping the phone into her purse, she dashed towards the exit without adding a single word. A worried and agitated Akeno followed her hasty footsteps. “Audrey, what’s wrong? What happened?” She was so desperate to rush home as soon as possible that she neglected to inform her own boyfriend. “Kiki happened.” Her face painted with uneasiness, she was demented with worry. Aki sighed, that’s all he could do in this case, he has heard this story a little too many times, and added. “Do you need me to come with?” She shook her head and gifted him with a kiss goodbye. “I’ll see you later at Dumbo Hall.” 

. . . Worry is a prayer for chaos. People become attached to their burdens more than the burdens are attached to them. She shouldn’t even think her mom as a burden, those are shameful thoughts. But she hasn’t felt like a teenager in awhile, she was humiliated daily by her mother’s choices and inability to support her own daughter. She was exhausted by the weight of the responsibilities, responsibilities she shouldn’t even have to carry out, unable to escape the prematurely adulthood and be her own mother’s parent. How funny does that sound? Arriving at her penthouse, she was instantly greeted by hurling sounds, sounds that clearly belonged to her mom. She couldn’t help but wonder how would she justify this one, the failing company or the failed marriage would be the protagonist of today’s display. Hurrying into the bathroom only to be met with her mom’s curled up figure. “Are you okay?” Before she could even finish, her mom delayed the inevitable answer by attempting to shift from her current position. Audrey extended an arm around her torso, helping her with the process. “You know.. this is all your father’s fault.” And the failed marriage takes the lead today. “He is the reason I am like this, you think I want to be like this?” Her mom continued while they sauntered towards her bedroom, all she could do was murmur words of comfort. “I know mom, I know.” The sight of her mother’s tottering body pounding onto the matrress was something no child should ever have to witness. It was unbearable to watch, she had unwillingly purchased front row tickets to her mother’s downfall. “I am sorry, baby.” She barely stated in a muffled tone while she struggled to detain her eyes open. The blonde heavily sighed and responded while exiting the bedroom. “I know, I know.” 

Later that night, the group had plans to meet for drinks. she flirted with the posibility of not attending tonight’s festivities but since her mom was sound asleep by now, she saw no harm in joining her friends for a little while. She was the last to arrive, as expected. And the Martini on Julien’s grasp had her name written all over it. Zoya’s annoyingly hyper figure was standing right next to her best friend. “I thought this was Dumbo Hall, not the circus. Next time do us all a favour and dress accordingly.” And with that, she strolled towards the back, avoiding Aki’s look of disappointment. But she was introduced to yet an other disastrous situation. . . the sight of her so called father with that twenty year old reputed model, seemingly drinking and enjoying their night without a care in the world. Outraged by the audacity of his presence to a place her group of friends are used to coming every night, she approached him with heavy footsteps and a stringent expression. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She stated loud and clear, ensuring she was heard by the nearby tables. “You brought her here? You know this is the place me and my friends come all the time. Did you want to humilate me?” Confounded by her choices of words, her father was contemplating on what to say next. Until that brainless piece of accesory that stood next to him decided to talk for him. “Oh, I am sorry. I told him to come here, I like this place.” Her gaze barely veering towards the brunette while she talked, responding with a simple comment. “For the last time.. this is Dumbo Hall, not a strip club.”

“Audrey!” Her father exclaimed in a stern tone, hoping to conclude the trail of insults that were flying out of her mouth. “What would your mom say If she knew...” The mention of her mother launched their next theme of the encounter and only fueled her already burning rage. “You did not just say that.... What do you even know about mom? Or what she would do? Nothing. You haven’t bothered to even call us the past few months.... don’t play the corcerned’s father and worrying husband’s card now. It’s too late.”  Walking away and not engaging further seemed like the appropriate decision, grasping Aki’s arm on her way out, indicating she wanted to leave with him. 

“Woah, where are we going?” Aki asked. As If he didn’t just witness the little show she had secured for them not two minutes ago. “Away from here, obviously.” It was the safest option and yet he seemed hesitant. “I am kind of waiting for Obie, he wants to discuss something.” Blinking a few times in disbelief, how could he say that to her right now? “Oh, really? Maybe I want to discuss some things with you too but silly me thought maybe, just maybe my boyfriend would like to listen to me.” The demeanor in her voice shifted, it was much quieter now. The capicity lowered so the distinct disappointment in her tone could be heard. “Just forget it, Aki.” She had no choice now but to storm outside, into the bustling streets of New York City. 

Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack. There are some things in this world to rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you;ve carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand.