bothpoisonandantidote - Tumblr blog

[bothpoisonandantidote]

You know what I‘m grieving most?

It’s not even the fact, that I am 23 and I have never been in a relationship.

I have just realised, that even if I’d find someone at some point, I will never be anyone’s first love. I never get to be their first kiss or first anything-else.

That’s the part I’m grieving most.

[bothpoisonandantidote]

I wasn’t made for love. Or to be loved. Or to feel love.

And I think, I’m starting to be ok with it.

I might not be able to share my stories with my grandchildren one day, but I’ll write them down.

Maybe one day - in a hundred years time - someone will read them. And maybe that’ll make them realise, that they’re in love with somebody. But just like always… that somebody won’t be me.

And that’s ok, because I’ll be long gone by then.

So yeah, I’m ok with it. I was proven right - that I am just not meant to be loved - so many times. Hell, people even keep telling me, that they can’t imagine someone being in love with me.

I love love and I’d be more than grateful, if I can live a long and healthy life and witness other people’s love. Knowing they’re content, will be enough.

I just know it.

[bothpoisonandantidote]

Can’t wait to finally reach a weight that is deserving of love

[bothpoisonandantidote]

Someone once told me that I am not someone that you’re in love with or someone that you love endlessly or someone that you would see yourself in a relationship with. I am someone that feels safe and warm and friendly.

I know he meant it in a nice way but I’ve been thinking about it every day and I can tell that it’s starting to hurt more and more everyday.

What do I have to do to be someone that you can actually love - not just like

[bothpoisonandantidote]

im so sick!!!! of being mentally ill!!!!!! i wanna be fucking normal!!!! want a normal brain that isnt trying to kill me all the time!!!!!! i wanna be able to go an entire week without a meltdown!!!!!! i did not ask for this!!!!!

[bothpoisonandantidote]

I know this might be a lot to read for some people but believe me when I tell you that it’s worth it!

[bothpoisonandantidote]

[bothpoisonandantidote]

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for taking up space on this planet. Someone else would probably deserve it more than I do. No, they definitely deserve it more than I do.

[bothpoisonandantidote]

I realized just how much I lost myself in these past few months, when my mom got really excited that I put on makeup.

I used to love it but now I feel like I’m just wasting the products because there is nothing that could make me feel better or that could convince me that I might be pretty.

It just doesn’t anymore.

[bothpoisonandantidote]

Why is it so easy for everyone to just walk out of my life and never look back?

[bothpoisonandantidote]

[bothpoisonandantidote]

look at the shit we‘re calling love these days

[bothpoisonandantidote]

glenn dean, landscapes of the west / user @petrichara

[bothpoisonandantidote]

“Reblog if you utterly and without hesitation support gay rights.”

—

[bothpoisonandantidote]

whatever you expect of me.. unexpect it

[bothpoisonandantidote]

2022 is either gonna be my best year or my last 🍸

[bothpoisonandantidote]

Today is one of my bad days. I feel ignored. I feel invisible. I feel forgotten. I feel like a last minute, “Oh yeah, we forgot about B.”

I’m sick of being second best.

I’m sick of not being enough.

I’m sick of excited hello’s being for the person behind me.

I’m sick of the angry panic that creeps up inside of me and it takes everything in me to keep from exploding.

I’m sick of wanting to be wanted: to be included.

But I don’t know.

Maybe I just need more sleep.