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[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Christmas Turkey

You have probably forgotten I am an occasional blog writer. Well the problem with writing about real life experiences of living with anxiety, one has to be struggling with anxiety in order to write about it. I by no means think I am cured, in fact I know that I will always been susceptible to anxiety and depression and it is something I came to terms with a little while ago. However, the work with my counsellor and use of meditation has meant that I am quite genuinely swimming above the black cloud, I am calmly watching the cars swish by and I am living with my anxiety in a way that I never thought I could possibly achieve, I am living (mostly) anxiety free. That is to say, I now experience anxiety no more intensely than is considered usual in the hectic lives we lead in this at times overwhelming world.

Every now and then I catch myself falling back in to an old habit, like when my taxi driver was twenty minutes late and I realised I was going to miss my train home from Cardiff. My lip wobbled, my head swam and then I took a deep breath focussing on the air filling my lungs and how my body moved with it, before exhaling and taking note of how long and deep the expulsion of air was. The new Anna’s inside voice asked the old Anna who was fighting to come to the surface a few simple questions:

-          Is there anything you can do at this moment, sitting in a taxi?

-          Will it help to cry and allow anxiety to consume your thoughts and body?

-          What can you do to find a resolution?

To which, I decided:

-          Nope not a darn thing.

-          Absolutely not, it will fog my thinking, exhaust me and catastrophize a relatively insignificant moment – especially when I have had such a good and productive day.

-          Well it looks like my train tickets are open return on off-peak trains and there is a train only half an hour later.

In fact I went a step further and reminded myself that I was bloody starving and need a wee so in fact, having the time to go to the loo and get dinner (a very satisfying Ginsters cheese and onion pasty, pringles and an energy drink) would be much better for my onward journey anyway. And after all of that, whilst I was sitting on the train munching my goodies I felt a warmth spreading from my stomach and permeating every part of my body, otherwise known as pride and a realisation of strength that used to evade my every attempt. This particular moment reminded me that allow the ‘What if’ questions to storm through my head and catastrophize the situation, purely because I was letting my fear and intolerance of uncertainty reign supreme is a losing battle. A battle that I no longer feel the pull to indulge in, it isn’t the easy option anymore because I have trained it out of my habitual thinking.

During this same journey, no doubt triggered by my brush with anxious thoughts, I found myself sitting opposite a lady who was taking up four seats between herself and her bags. It wasn’t a busy train, but it irritated my sense of polite expectation. Later on she proceeded to pour herself generous amounts of vodka and coke, well what a delight this ‘girl’ she is, I thought (sneered derisively) …and then I caught myself, I mean for goodness sake, how did I know that where my comfort from an unexpected shock and irritation was made from pastry and potato filled, hers might be alcohol filled and sugary?  So I struck up conversation with her, she had been stuck in traffic and missed her train earlier down the line, she had rushed from a very busy day at work (she owned her own salon) and was going to spend time with her husband who works away in London. She was a woman, and one with a business, a husband, a life and her very own struggles that evening. How quickly had I judged her? It was so instinctual and yet all it caused me was a deep rooted feeling of irritation and unhappiness, it didn’t help and it was an entirely unfounded view point as well completely irrelevant.  The woman even offered me some of her drink because unlike me, she had seem me and not ventured to judge and commit me to a category on sight.

This reminded me that I am a much happier and calmer person these days, because I have learnt and understood the value in the fact that you cannot change other people, you can only change your reaction to them. I work every day to rid myself of my intolerance of ‘other people’ and the overwhelming dedication to what I consider ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in regards to behaviour.  

At this time of year, depression and anxiety spikes and it isn’t surprising. The pressure is immense, not only do you need to spend money (money that we struggle to stop from slipping through our fingers for the other eleven months of the year) extravagantly on items we hope and wish will make other’s happy, but we also have to dress for Christmas parties. The pressure to drink, to look good, to socialise even heavier than usual. Then there is the pressure of seeing family and fitting everyone in to make sure they are all happy. So by about mid-December, you essentially feel even more self-conscious, poor and exhausted than you have felt all year – and you are still expected to have festive bloody cheer.

For some people they are not so lucky, and where the majority of the year is spent distracting oneself with work and pets and events, suddenly all of the distraction becomes irrelevant because Christmas day is still going to be spent alone with the cat and the loneliness bites (to say nothing of the cat). It opens its maw like so many nightmares and swallows all hopeful though whole, leaving behind a smoggy, slushy mess on the sofa. I admit to being lucky enough to have never felt this, or certainly not at Christmas, but I once met a man who, despite living an exciting dream at the time, planned days before the big day, to have Turkey drumsticks he had found in the reduced bin as his Christmas dinner. He didn’t seem sad, he just seemed a little odd perhaps, optimistically cheerful at the prospect, and maybe he was OK about it all…but I never dug deep enough to find out because I was too tied up in my own festive plans.

Ultimately, it’s not about the Turkey. It’s not even about Santa Claus or baby Jesus (sorry Dad), Christmas is a tough time for mental health and it’s a time that sadly people (without meaning to) get swept up in their own joy and stress more than ever and so those who are struggling already begin to slip further into the depths. This is particularly true of two categories, the homeless and the elderly, however it is extremely important to say that as ever it is not just refined to those two groups of people (There is new evidence to say Millennials are particularly effected).

So what can we do to help? Well it’s as simple as a smile and a minute of your time, speak to that person you see every day in the street, the old lady who is out with her box of cooking salt sprinkling it on the Icey pavement so that people don’t slip, the elderly gentleman on crutches who has been standing on the pavement corner for ten minutes trying to cross but so afraid of falling, the lady who sold you a wreath at the market and the one legged homeless man who sits quietly in his wheelchair everyday outside Greggs.

Start all of your good intentions for 2018 in 2017, why waste time? You will only give yourself a whole new list of things for self-improvement in a year’s time and I hate to break it to you but it’s just another night, your world won’t change because the date does but it will because you want it to.

 Here are some sites with advice on coping and campaigns you can join if you want to help the struggle this Christmas, and into 2018:

One Million Minutes

Samaritans

Crisis

Salvation Army

Mind

Mental Health Foundation

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

World Mental Health Day - What does mental health mean to me?

 So it was world mental health day yesterday, and it got me to thinking, what does mental health mean to me? You might think that given how vocal I am about my own experiences I have a good understanding of it, I don't. We are lucky to live in a society where mental health is increasingly recognised as an important focus of everyday life, it really wasn't that long ago that it was still massively ignored. People didn't understand the most obvious examples like bi-polar disorder or ADHD, there were simply two categories, ‘crazy’ people who were sent to Bedlam-like institutions and ‘normal’ people who kept as quiet as possible about their internal struggles, so afeared were they of being branded as mad. 

 Now we have a much more diverse understanding, and there are a wide range of categories that we fit in to in regards to our mental health, however there is still the problem that when a wider audience sees or hears the phrase mental health what they are understanding from that is bad mental health. But just like physical health, true negative connotations are not the focus, you would quite easily describe a person as 'in good health', in fact it's something we strive for, to have good health is a blessing and we make a lot of effort to maintain it, you have a cough and you go to the doctors. Then why is it not so for mental health? I strive to be in good mental health, which brings me onto my next point, some people might think it doesn't apply to them - of course it does! For all the reasons above, it's not a subjective phrase, it is something we should all have an awareness of. Ok so perhaps you cope with difficult or stressful situations in a way that works for you, when you're stressed your mental health is under pressure, but it is because your mental health is relatively good that you can get through the problem. Not so for people with bad mental health, whether it be a distinguishable syndrome or a generalised anxiety, people who struggle with mental health sometimes can't deal with the very same situation other people would push through and move on. 

So let's have a quick myth busting session:

 Mental health - applies to everyone, it can be described as good or bad in equal measure - just like your physical health! We all have ups and downs, but the defining moment is whether or not you have the ability to get past those downs in a measured way. 

 Generalised anxiety - life can be a bit tricky sometimes, logically most people can see the right path and the more detrimental path, but it's how to get to that path that is the difficulty. Most often it's not the big obvious things like confrontation at work that gets this anxiety going, but the small 'simple' things like leaving the house or getting dressed or travelling on public transport.

 Anxiety attack - these are not just the times of hyperventilation and pounding chest pains and heightened sensitivity, they can be silent, paralysing with blurred vision and a complete loss of grip on reality, and at no time is someone who is suffering an anxiety attack looking for attention - in fact it's the complete opposite, they wish the attention would stop so that they have a chance of calming their breathing and their minds. 

 Depression - we all feel depressed, yes of course we do, but just like anxiety there is a bit difference in the responses to that depression. So you feel sad, down for a little bit, maybe hours or days but then you pull yourself out of the rut and get on with life. Feeling depressed and having depression are two different things. With depression, those feelings of sadness and hopelessness evolve into numbness and there is no ability to pull your head above the water, not even for a single breath, it's relentless and it takes over every atom of your being. What's worse is that you are ashamed, embarrassed, you think that you are weak and so in public you smile, but at home in private you exist. 

Imagine a person with depression as one way mirror, if you smile they will smile back, but behind the reflective surface is a black mist of all the negative feelings a person has perhaps ever felt in their entire lives. 

 There are many things I have almost certainly failed to highlight and I will hold my hands up and say that these are the things that do and have affected me, but the point is that next time you hear or read the term mental health. Stop and consider, what does it mean to you? 

 This is me on a good day during the worst phase of depression in my life...

So what does mental health actually mean to  me? There are so many fantastic organisations spreading the love for mental health awareness, and many of them offer services to help people suffering with a variety of things, unfortunately we are still wildly under resourced, so my proposal to tackle the growing problem of bad mental health is this:

 Positive Preventative Measures – perhaps you have good mental health, perhaps you have ups and downs but ultimately make it through, in the same way that we walk, we run, we eat healthy food and we make a daily effort to be physically healthy, why not give the same attention to your mental health? Just because you never ‘get ill’ doesn’t mean you don’t still watch what you eat and try to, as a minimum, go for a walk each day. You might never have bad mental health, but why risk it?

To coin a phrase that I have used before, I was never a good girl, or a naughty boy at school (thanks Mrs. T for that little sexist phrase) I surfed somewhere in between, fluctuating but never quite reaching a social norm. Just like the good children and the naughty children, it’s the people in between that defy definition, that are at most risk.

 I am a massive advocate of meditation for maintaining my level of good mental health, but it might be yoga or walking or taking the time to have a chat with a good friend once a week, but the intention has to be there to keep healthy body and mind. So keep talking and take care of yourself and don’t assume that the way you cope with a situation is the same for another person, it almost definitely won’t be. 

 Below I have listed just some of the amazing organisations that offer help and advice, as well as some that help towards maintenance of an overloaded brain in this mad world, that is to say nothing of our NHS, which despite the issues we are facing, is still one of the most accessible health care service in the world.

So I ask you one more time, what does mental health mean to you?

 Meditation for prevention (most of these are apps):

Headspace

Calm

Mindful

MINDBODY

Smiling Mind

 For help:

Better Help

Samaritans

Mind

Mental Health Foundation

Centre for Mental Health

Young Minds

Time to Change

Tiny Pause

Together

Turn2me

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Life’s a B and then you die…

I started writing a post about diplomacy, but actually I have spent most of the week flying between diplomacy and rage and I am exhausted. It led me to thinking about the different ways in which we cope, the methods that we employ to get us through, the habitual behaviours that are second nature to us in everything that we do, but specifically the behaviours that we inhabit at times of turmoil and stress.

I am almost certain that we all have a long list of anecdotes and phrases that we bring out whenever the going gets tough — as it has occasion to do every now and then. What is interesting is that these turns of phrase evolve throughout our lives, but generally speaking despite how much we develop emotionally and mentally they are all intended to justify our actions or feelings. They are also often our armour, we wear them like a sign to say, ‘this is what I believe in, go ahead and challenge me’. What can be difficult then is when people do challenge you, not because they are being contrary but because their responses are tuned in differently, as is their right they may disagree with your point of view and that can sometimes make you angrier; so let’s look at these phrases that we have lived our lives by (or that I have lived my life by):

When I was a child I used to be picked on, and so I would take solace when my parents said,

“They are only jealous”

When I was a teenager and the teenage angst was rife, exams were hard and boys were confusing, we used to comfort one another with,

“Life’s a bitch and then you die”

As a young adult at university learning to deal with some very different characters and reactions, it started to get more diverse in range, but mostly it was said that,

“They aren’t worth your time or energy”

Now, as I reach my late twenties I suppose the range is ever expanding and unlike in previous years I actually believe what I am saying. Something that is leading my behavioural response day to day is something I have been working on with my therapist,

“You can’t change other people, you can only change your reaction”

It isn’t as simple as it sounds, but I emphatically believe it is the way forward for me, the phrase that I have been trying to pin down and understand for the majority of my life — without ever realising.

We have all been there, a friend or colleague or the attendant at the bank says something that inflames our senses, you feel that hot and shaking ball of range or fury or hurt start to pulse inside your stomach, working its way up to your chest and fluttering in your throat. Your heart starts to pound and your brain mists over and suddenly you are blurting out an instinctive myriad of impassioned rage and judgement because it makes you feel better. It makes you feel bold, empowered and it’s a release of the pent up energy…and then pretty quickly afterward, as you have stewed and thought obsessively about the words they uttered and the response you made and how you could have expressed yourself better, you plummet down to the bottom. Just like when you have eaten too many Percy pigs and the sugar high soars before the shakes come over you, so too does the anxiety of your actions. It’s actually a pretty endless cycle and its all consuming:

Rage > React > Reproach > Regret > Regress > Repeat.

With my new mantra it challenges this, it’s saying why are you angry at what that person said? You haven’t lived their life, you haven’t walked in their shoes and so you have no idea why they feel the way that they do in order to speak and act in that way. Its easy to tell yourself that they are ignorant or selfish or spiteful or any number of those negative terms that we all desperately hope to never embody (but we all do at various points in our lives and thats actually ok). Sometimes the occasion will come that your words might hit home for someone who is emphatically in the opposite camp, but thats almost never going to be when you rage and snap and block out all of what they have said in favour of your own beliefs. Its easier said than done because as learned behaviours go, they are instinctual, they are innate and so its more than a conscious effort to change your response to a single situation, you have to do it constantly and continuously, expanding your self awareness to the point that you eclipse that old habitual behaviour with the new. This is what I have been working extremely hard at doing and I really don’t always get it right, I am exhausted from the effort but like all things in life that are worth while, it’s an exceptionally difficult journey but it’s rewarding.  So instead of the above, this is now my process:

Listen > Learn > Respond > Reflect > Let go.

I wish I could say that I have managed this in every instance, I absolutely haven’t. I have in the past had a habit of letting my rage take over and my emotions would brim to the surface, I really struggled to assert myself without seeming petulant or irrational and sometimes I still do. But mostly in those times I am able to look back objectively, work out how the negative automatic behaviour was triggered, understanding that does wonders for then working out the new automatic behaviour, and instead of stewing about it for days I am much more able to put it to the back of my mind, a lesson learned and a regret actioned upon. When I do manage to listen and respond instead of rage and react, I spend perhaps a fraction of a moment reflecting on the encounter and then I get on with my day, no obsessive thinking, no extended turmoil. If I go through this complex array of thoughts and emotions every time I am challenged in my beliefs or understanding, then of course each and every person I come in to contact with goes through something similar. Some people honed the reasonable responses at a young age, some people have learnt and evolved with time and experience, some people will never learn it and that brings me on to my next point. 

As I evolve and make a conscious effort for self improvement, every time I see and experience someone exhibiting an old behaviour that I have deemed negative or unfavourable my intolerance flares up! I can’t stand to watch them make the mistakes of my past, I suppose there is a level of avoidance because I am embarrassed to have ever reacted like that because now that I am on the receiving end its difficult to watch. This too can be helped with the same phrase, choose to change your own reaction because you will not change them, true change comes from within, it cannot be taught only explained as a notion. So give that person the time, the space and the patience you wished for and were grateful for from other people and don’t expect them to learn what you did, they might never learn and thats ok. Their life is on a trajectory different to yours, emotionally, intellectually, physically and every other -ally that you can think of.

I think the only way to finish this post is with the key phrase that has led its composition,

“You can’t change other people, you can only change your reaction”.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Colour me a positive and call me a dreamer

Instinct, it’s that funny thing that is neither feeling nor thinking but more of a sensation. It leads us to and from and around different situations, sometimes you have it in spades and sometimes you simply don’t. Instinct is something I try to live my life by because despite all of the soul searching, the endless attempts to ‘find myself’ I am still mystified everyday, so I have decided to say sod it and just go with the flow. Thats not to say that coming to that decision has been easy, I may only be twenty-eight but sometimes I feel ninety-five, equally sometimes I feel twelve, the point being for some people I am young and for some people I am old but all I know is that for me, I have a lifetime of feelings and thoughts, obsessions and confusions that have led me to this point. Today I admitted something to myself, something that has been lingering at the back of mind but that I have been too afraid to acknowledge properly, I am at a cross roads, I have a new dream and I will give it everything I have.

As I have mentioned, I have signed up for a writing course which is due to start in under a month’s time, I am beyond excited but also apprehensive and nervous because for some time I have had this notion of being a writer. All I have now is this blog, it was my starting point, an ‘in’ to that expression of thought and creativity, an opportunity to connect with people by sharing what I know, anxiety and life. In the short time I have been writing it, I feel that my writing mind has developed and changed, improved even (hopefully my readers will agree). Now I am faced with a new juncture, I can continue as I am or make a real go at a new dream. Giving up on my last dream wasn't easy, for my whole life all I ever wanted to do was act and sing and perform but the reality wasn't something I could sustain. Saying farewell to something that I had committed twenty-four or so years to was not an easy thing to do and I don't relish the thought of having to do it again, so it is with a certain level of trepidation that I say aloud, for more than myself to know and hear (or read), that I dream of being a writer.

So there it is, as with anything new it is difficult to know where to start, I am a fairly systematic sort of person so here is where I am up to in four (not very easy) steps:

Step one, start the habit of writing — tick.

Step two sign up for a legitimate helping hand in the right direction — tick.

Step three, find someone to be a guide, a writing friend, someone to bounce ideas off — tick.

Step four, write, write and write some more — not quite.

The first question I have to ask myself is, ‘what kind of writer do I want to be?’ I have always loved fantasy and I have tried on several occasions, to start a fanatical tale but I haven't had much luck, maybe this will come with time, I certainly hope so. Without realising it, the instinctual writing, the style that comes easily to me is writing what I know. That probably sounds obvious to some people but sometimes we can't see what is right in front of us, so actually maybe I will start there. It took a meeting today to come to that realisation, it showed me the value of having someone to bounce these thoughts of off, to help motivate me and keep me on track so that I can keep the enthusiasm going and give it my all. 

I suppose the point that I am making in all of this, is that life is all about dreams, dreams that come to fruition or dreams that we never seem to attain. As infants we have dreams of being ballerinas or astronauts, the world is our oyster and our imaginations can run free and wild with only bedtimes in the way. As teenagers we realise our dreams need to be more solid and so we have to set down paths for our futures before we really know who we are, let alone who we want to be — don't even get me started on the teenage angst and drama that gets in the way at this point. As young adults the reality of bills and money and tax and making ends meet become a scary and intimidating part of life, our dreams fall to the way side because keeping afloat is the most important thing. By adulthood (and scarily I am in this category) we are habitually living from day to day, most of us do what we do because it’s where we are and it’s easier to carry on as we are than strive for our forgotten dreams. Whether they be dreams from childhood or dreams that have developed over time, making a change is bloody scary and it’s hard, but isn't everything worthwhile? If it were easy would it even be a journey we wanted to strive to complete?

What is it about our society that makes it so much the norm to just accept  the punches where they fall, we are knocked down and we get up again but what if we didn't just get up, we actually punched back? As a child our whole life focus is on education and learning, understanding numbers and letters and social interactions, relationships and politics. As adults our whole lives are about getting a promotion, earning more money, having a family and getting married — thats the box that society has put us in. Well, I am fed up of it, I am almost certain the unrealistic and unattainable expectations put on me by society are part of my struggles with anxiety — as well of course as past and present experiences — I don't want to be in this box that says ‘oh you are nearly thirty, you had your chance to dream now its time for reality’.

So this is me saying, I have a new dream, it might work out or it might not but I have regretted things in the past and now I don't have any time for regret, it is far better to say you tried and have no regrets than to be a bystander in your own life, collecting regrets like we collect bad habits (numerous and damaging).

You might be wondering what this post has to do with living with anxiety, well it’s because I have spent the last couple of months fighting to change my habits and behaviours in an effort to re-train my brains responses that I am ever more driven towards positive change in other areas of my life. Today I felt groggy and exhausted, completely disconnected from the world, like an alien living in my own body; my normal reaction to that would be to stay in bed and submit to the invalid persona. Today I didn’t, I had made a promise to myself that I was going to change my approach to dealing with my anxiety, there is no respite from this type of change and I will not allow myself to fall back into old habits. Today, headache, fog and all I travelled into town to go to a catch-up I had arranged weeks ago and it was honestly the best thing I could have done.

I met up with someone who, in complete honesty, has been merely on the friendly periphery for the last seven or so years; it was the best and most inspiring afternoon I have had in a long time. It felt like talking to an old friend, comfortable, easy and fun, there was tea and books — as all my favourite activities seem to include — but there was also support and a commonality, perhaps a new friendship that I don't think either of us expected. Back at home, barely through the door, I opened my laptop and started to write. So inspired and positive am I from my afternoon with a like minded soul and I have even more to ponder on now that I have finished this post.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Fatigue, Fighting & Future

It has been a funny few weeks and when I say funny I mean a little tough and unusual. I was certain that despite being exhausted and a little off-kilter, that I was fine and with rest I would soon be back on track, I was desperate to feel a sense of normality and I craved it more than anything else. I was extremely confused then when I came to the realisation that I wasn't fine, that the anxious knot had grown and tangled in my chest and was weighing down on me uncontrollably, I was floored and I hadn't even seen it coming.

When I started this blog I promised to be frank and document every aspect of my life with mental health, I write this post hoping that, as always, my openness serves to help just one person see that they are not alone because I know that being transparent in these matters is not something that comes as easily to others as it does to me. That being said, we must all cope and manage ourselves as best helps us to live everyday.

So here it is, it was a Wednesday night and I had had too much time alone with my thoughts, I had been spiralling for days without realising and then I hit the bottom. It was ugly and I felt ashamed that I was so weak, that I was so unable to cope with life and I was utterly disappointed with myself. Luckily for me my husband is my guiding light and despite being screamed at despairingly, he held me until the tears stopped falling and I fell asleep. The next day he encouraged me to go to the doctors, I did so and decided to start on medication to help get me back on track, I was very resistant but the Doctor being sensible said to me “we all have our breaking point, being able to accept help is the hardest thing on the journey to recovery”, I may be paraphrasing slightly but the point still stands.  

I was signed off from work for a couple of weeks, a fact which hardly anyone knows about, as you know I pride myself on my honesty and openness in all matters and so for me to keep this so much to myself is testament to the depth of personal struggle that I was experiencing. The problem with having such strong beliefs in transparency and truth is that sometimes you end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable for not sharing every aspect with the people you know, but sometimes thats exactly what you need to do and of course you should never feel conscience stricken for keeping your own counsel. Sometimes the best way to be kind to yourself is to do so and to not open yourself up to the opinion or judgement of others - no matter how kindly it might be intended - when you are vulnerable it may only make matters worse.

I was as mentioned, in shock and so more determined to get passed this moment of struggle, I allowed myself a couple of days in my safe place (my bed) but made sure I created somewhat of a daily routine, including eating my three meals and showering (these sound obvious but the hardest thing to do is care for yourself when your mind is not working as it should be). The few days later I started making sure I got up and out of bed and did at least one craft a day, this is both something I find therapeutic and gives me a sense of achievement in a relatively easy way. After this I progressed to going for walks, when you are mentally exhausted it is astounding how heavy your whole body feels, like each limb is weighed down and like your head is heavy and fuzzy and all the while the little voice is screaming ‘I can't do this’. Imagine walking through a wall of water with dumbbells attached to every single part of your body and you have a migraine and you can just about imagine how intense the feeling can be. With my body engaged I wanted to bring my mind back up to scratch and so I started an online writing course and read a few books. Before long I was desperate to get back into my regular routine of life but I still had to be careful and so my first week back at work consisting mostly of shorter days. It just so happened that I then had my holiday abroad and so off to Poland I went - I hate flying at the best of times so I was fairly nervous knowing it wasn't the best of times for me. We had a lovely time and by the time I got back I was feeling ever more capable of committing to my normal life. Determination and commitment are all very well, but I didn't get through with sheer force of will.

Its never an easy decision to start on any kind of medication for any kind of illness, but if you had an infection you would take antibiotics and if you had IBS you would take anti-spasmodics, why would it be any different for an illness in your brain. This is the most important thing to try and remember and it is often the hardest thing to do, what with the self-deprecating thoughts flying through your mind and the overwhelming urge to stay and hide in the safeness of your bed. Its not pretty at first, they make you feel woozy and detached from life, you might have headaches and feel nauseas but over all these are small side effects; if you decide to take medication and feel anything more severe then it is important to tell your doctor ASAP. The good effects start almost as instantaneously, first there is this sensation of release in that broiling knot in your chest, this leads to an overall sense of calm and after a week or so you feel more level and able to cope with life, the fogginess disperses and you are in a better place. It is temping at this point to stop taking the medication, don’t. Everyone knows the phrase ‘Don’t run before you can walk’.

The second most important part of rehabilitation is therapy, its easy to assume that there is always a reason for a rise in anxiety or depression and sometimes there is an over riding issue, sometimes its many little things that have mounted up until you reach breaking point, sometimes its something in your past that is so engrained in your being that there are simply triggers and sometimes its a bit of all of the above. The point is, no one person or situation is the same and so no single form of therapy is best, I have been to a handful of university or NHS councillors in the past and as valiant and genuine as those efforts are, they are limited to their six week time limit for therapy. In my personal experience they do not have enough time or resource to heal and reprogram a lifetime of a persons experiences and habits. This for me is an important part of my recovery, there is so much of my reactions that are habitual and so the hardest part of this journey is retraining my mind to respond differently.

Re-trainng my mind is incidentally something I had already taken steps to do as I have been partaking in daily meditation with the app ‘Headspace’ (something I would highly recommend for daily anxiety or just for a daily sense of balance).  On this occasion I decided to pay for private sessions with a recommended therapist, bearing in mind that in this point in my life and career it is the first time I can afford the luxury to do so.  Unlike previous experiences, my therapist has had the time to get to know me and my past more intimately and I strongly feel that her methods (CBT as a leading form) are bespoke to me; pair this with my absolute determination that I want these long term anxieties to evolve and change and I am more hopeful than ever that I will reach a place of clarity and of a calmer and more resilient mind.

I am still working on all of the above but I am in a completely different place to any that I feel I have so far experienced in my life, there are things I need to work particularly hard at, my appropriate emotional responses, catastrophising and assertiveness are but to name a few. The difference is that with the combination of aspects mentioned above, I feel more sure than ever that I am on the right and longterm path for me. I want to be clear that I relay all of this to anyone reading in the hope that it might help and not for self-gratification or pity. I know that what has worked for me may not work for everyone, but what I will say is that what I have learned this time is that to make a long term change you have to make it every single day. I am blooming tired to be quite honest, because everyday I challenge my every thought and feeling and its both very self-revealing and very arduous but at the end of the day, better mental health is absolutely worth it.

I also know that paying for therapy is not a luxury that everyone can afford, I know it is hard to ask for help but there may be a member of family or a friend who would love to help but doesn't know how, be it by being a helping hand or helping financially. Whatever it is just be sure to be grateful but not dependant, the journey is yours and so all of the hardest decisions must be made by you and you alone. I also cannot recommend meditation enough, you might think ‘but she was doing it for months before and it still didn't make a difference’, but its a long term commitment, changing the way you mind works isn't going to happen over night. I have twenty eight years of bad habits, expectations, judgements and mental scarring to work through, everything that is worth doing takes time and this is no different. Meditating is not that weird way of having a nap whilst sitting cross legged and humming randomly, sure you can do it that way but it is a very personal thing. When you wake up and you are still tired, when you are already worrying about the day ahead and feel hopeless, then why wouldn't it be a good idea to quiet your thoughts, focus on your breathing and calm your body before starting out for the day? I use headspace which has guided meditation with a chap called Andy and its almost like a small session of therapy every day, you can choose from ten, fifteen or twenty minute sessions and after you perform the thirty day foundation you can choose from a range of packs including; balance, self-esteem, anger, stress and so many more. Its all about taking time for yourself and being kind to yourself.

Once again I am sorry it has been a while since my last post, there is certainly a sense of irony when you consider where my mind was at then, to where is has been and to where it is now, but I think that shows the pure unpredictability of mental health. I would also like to say that I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed as I did at the lowest point of this period, those are thoughts that are indicative of anxiety and depression, they are not my real thoughts, they belong to the illness. So next time you are hounded by such thoughts consider if they are the black dog (reference to a wonderful video of expression you can find on youtube) rearing its ugly head or if you are just surrounded by arseholes.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Back log - When the red mist descends and then when it rises

It’s been a bit of a mad week, it has been the first of five weeks away from home working towards the final part of a year long journey. This year is a little different as I have more responsibility and have actively contributed to actual segments of the show, this is both extremely exciting and massively scary. Hours are long and being away from our families is obviously extremely difficult, but we love what we do and we do what we do with a flourish and a smile. However, it would be a mistake to hope that the additional stress and exhaustion wouldn’t have a detrimental affect on my anxiety and mental health.

Do you ever have those red mist moments? When you’re bobbing along, clinging on to positivity and perseverance and something snaps inside you, unleashing the red mist and clouding your every thought and word. Suddenly you’re spouting thoughts and feelings that although entirely true and real (at the time) are not necessarily rational or helpful to be imparted. Directly afterwards I often experience a spiral down into a complete lack of self belief and my instant reaction is to run away and hide, I have an overwhelming urge to pull into myself and put up a hard shell of protection like a metaphorical tortoise. This can be extremely challenging and in a very short moment a choice of onwards and upwards, or reverse and spiral downwards. Either way I am inevitably plagued by regret and embarrassment and I try to justify my actions, at least in part, to try and make myself feel better. Rather irritatingly for me here ensues days where I dwell on a single moment, after a week the memory and embarrassment has dulled but not entirely disappeared, after a few weeks I have undoubtedly forgotten about it in the most part. But I seem to manage to remember things years later and I find myself shaking my head to try to dispel the thought and hoping it won’t return, all of my worst moments mounting up to haunt and remind me of my inadequacies and feeding my insecurities.

What’s truly ridiculous is that my rational mind tells me that it’s an opportunity to learn and move forward and that that very thought should easily overtake the negative one and despite knowing this my mind still dwells in the shade and not the light. It’s so frustrating! It goes back to me, myself and I, with my warring selves battling it out for supremacy within my head. More often than not, I find myself hating my anxiety and the version of myself that I become when it takes over my every thought and word and action, but beneath all of that I have also learnt that accepting my anxiety and by extension that anxious version of myself is the most effective way forward.

Today Friday 23 June

I opened my notes to write a blog post and found this one. I must have written it in my delirium at some point in the last five weeks, there is nothing I can compare my experience to, it was a singularity so far in my life and has left me with some very strange and contradictory feelings. One of those must have come into realisation somewhere between the above being written and today, because in amongst the sheer exhaustion that I felt, there was also this feeling of timelessness. I had anxious moments and sometimes they were as extreme as I have come to expect, but what they weren’t was drawn out. They didn’t last days, not even hours, maybe minutes and at most 60 of them, I simply didn’t have the time or capacity to dwell in my anxiety or feelings of depression. I cried, and I shouted at myself inwardly for a silly remark or decision but ultimately it passed and where as usually that thought would return with frequency until it didn’t, I skipped that step and have found myself only occasionally shaking my head at my past self. Isn’t that strange? I am now considering the very real possibility that alongside the genuine bouts of anxious thought that I have and continue to experience, that some part of my brain is in the routine of indulging it, allowing it to last longer than it needs and that is concerning to me.

It took me days to properly wind down and today I am experiencing a bit of a slump, I have felt physically and mentally drained for most of the day, despite doing very little but with the above in my mind I have decided that there is a light. Where as usually I might try one of my many well practised coping mechanisms, like drawing or creating or treating myself to a new dress or skirt or some other material item in my unhappiness (a controlled but not necessarily beneficial form of therapy that happens less than other methods) I have instead bought myself something else, something more along the delayed gratification line and not the instant, I have bought myself knowledge and change and possibility. Something I have wanted to do for a while is a creative writing course and due to being locked in the routine of work, home, work, for five weeks (different than usual because home was temporary accommodation and work hours were all consuming) has meant that I have amounted more savings than in a usual month. I could put it aside towards the mortgage - and some of it will go there - but I could also book myself onto that course that I’ve been considering for sometime but was until this point completely out of reach. And so I took the leap towards to light instead of dwelling in the shade. It comes down to that post I wrote about self imposed pressure, writing is something I have always enjoyed, reading is certainly something I do avidly but the former, well I just don’t have the confidence or the knowledge, and there is a little dream inside that says ‘one day I will write a book, just like my grandad’, and really I’d quite like to be on that path before I turn thirty.

And so it comes down to this, we will always have those particularly bad days when we feel insecure and stunted in our personal growth and our wider lives, but we have to be the person to say 'I will grow and I will move forward’, no one else can make the change in yourself it has to be you. That is one of the hardest things to come to terms with in life I think, let alone in a life that is subject to anxiety and depression. This writing course may only be a small drop in the ocean, but it’s my ocean and I will be darned if I will be responsible for the drought. Throughout my life I know there have been many dreams, big ones and small ones that have more often than not fallen to the wayside, unloved and draining that childlike hope I once possessed so much of, but I know the only person to blame for that is myself. So in this instance, I am taking the opportunity and moving in the write (ba-doom-pah-cha!) direction.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil... kind of

How many times a day or a week or even a year do we say: “I just don’t understand why…” or “I would never have done that” or even “why didn’t they do it this way?” I know I do it quite a lot and within a range or circumstances, but when you really think about it; how harmful are these seemingly innocuous sentences? At the root of it all are two things; right and wrong.

Let’s break those down for a second, we generally all strive to do the right thing over the wrong thing, but how often do we decide that another person made the ‘wrong’ decision or if not wrong the 'bad’ decision. Maybe you think that it’s just a part of a normal day, one of those things that we all say and feel, sometimes it’s just easier to decided than another persons actions are asinine rather than as a result of ill informed thought or consideration. I am not talking about morality, although that is often an issue, I am ultimately talking about:

Judgement “I don’t understand why…” doesn’t seem so bad on its own, but think about the conversation and justification process that inevitably ensues. Someone else has made a decision that you cannot fathom the thought process for, in the most memorable circumstances this decision is to your detriment and it makes you instantly stressed, outraged or just irritated. “I would never…” now this one is surely worse, you are directly saying I judge this persons actions based on the fact that my own intellectual or moral compass (or just plain old common sense) would never let me follow the path that they have, which brings me on to…

Comparison If we are clear that we are all unique, individual and have been subject to a myriad of differing circumstances throughout each of our lives, it’s actually more shocking that you might ever do or think in the same way as another person than in opposition. To be honest if I have used this sentence, it is usually closely followed by an example of when I have been in the same situation as the person I am busy judging and I reacted differently - the 'right’ way.

The connection between these is the laboured process of justification and ultimately trying to make ourselves happier but usually in the short term only. These situations happen in every facet of life, be it in work or at home. I know I try to rarely discuss politics with my friends and family because sometimes the difference in opinion is shocking to me, and unsettling. So ignorance is bliss(?)

How many times does this actually work out well? I am not saying acceptance is easy, it’s not, and justification is often part of the acceptance process. How harmful is it actually, because when does it ever do us any good to ultimately say “I am better than that person in this regard” and for that matter, it doesn’t do our relationship better with that person. It opens up a black hole where-by we sideline every bad decision we think they have made (that affect us at least) goes to hide. It’s not even really a black hole, more of a cubby hole because if we are honest as soon as another shocking decision is made - there is the last one, coming back to haunt our good opinion of this person!

For me personally I am (during this stage of my life at least) a bit of a stickler for the rules, that isn’t to say I am a stick in the mud - I understand that sometimes it’s easier to go around an issue than through the rules to get to the other side. However something I really struggle with, is other people’s judgement, be it about me or about something we both have a bearing on. I will always try to be honest, I don’t mind curving the truth but I can never bring myself to be outright dishonest, even in so called white lies. I always take things at face value, or at least I try to, so when I have done what I thought was the right thing in the right way, and another person has completely disregarded and to a point made my actions pointless, I feel angry, upset and unbalanced. I really struggle to reconcile myself with the situation at hand. I wouldn’t have done anything differently but now I feel so helpless. So how do we regain our balance and set things back to a measured pace? For me it’s organisation, which can sometimes make this very issue worse but it is how I have taught myself to cope. It’s how I keep this side of the anxiety because if I allow myself to tip to far I will inevitably topple. I take every single thought and task order them systematically. I consider and and I make a decision, a steadfast decision that I must stick to or else the toppling threat becomes ever more probable.

There are no rules to follow that might help give us a brighter and lighter outlook, whatever point on the scale you might be, but for me this is what I try:

1. Empathy - Everyone has anxiety - some people are able to cope with it every day as a relatively normal issue, just like sadness. For other people it is a crippling experience, foreboded by an ever present fear of the worst outcome - an anxiety attack. Sometimes this anxiety can reveal itself in odd and sometimes difficult to deal with ways. Snappiness or anger, stubbornness or indifference, don’t take what is reactionary to heart. 2. Kindness - Treat others as you wish to be treated - if we are honest, we probably all find it hard when we are told to do something a different way. Especially when your way and their way produce the same result. So be kind to them and be kind to yourself, it’s ok to be different. Sometimes this is one of those times that whilst still being honest, you can be clever about your approach. If it makes another person happier or calmer to believe you have got to point A - B via point C, let them believe that you have whilst actually still going down your own route. 3. Acceptance - Take a breath and say Ok - if you can agree that you are doing your best, other people probably are too. Again just because they don’t exhibit the same markers of acceptance and progression that you do, doesn’t mean they aren’t fighting their own battle and reaching acceptance in their own time and in their own way. It might frustrate you, but why are you worried about them when you have your own demons to fight. 4. Imagination - Think outside the box - sometimes not amount of being kind, offering encouragement and clear statements will produce the result you were hoping for, so find another way to be at one with any given situation. Don’t let the frustration others are exhibiting get you down, look at it from a different perspective, maybe even their perspective and find a new way forward.

In short, walking a mile in the shoes of another before you make a snap judgment based on a reactionary situation, it might actually be very eye opening. It can be hard for people to open up, and they might not want other people to know about their struggles in fear of seeming weak. Or you could be like me and feel openness is important for your own functionality and progression, but I know that some people find that extremely hard to bear. I can honestly say I understand, when I am in a good place and someone in my life is in a place of struggle and darkness, I often want to run away and hide from it. I am familiar with the darkness and don’t want it spoiling my time in the light, but we have to have the strength to help our loved ones, they need to know that you are there with your light and you are saying “come this way”. It will bring your closer together. It comes down to those ingrained words again, right vs wrong, good vs bad, well for the most part (tyranny and psychopathy excluded) they’re kind of subjective, some people like to follow the rules, some people have tried and found the rules failed them, so they’ve created their own set of rules. Not to sound like a Kenneth Branagh movie but in general if we have courage and are kind to others, we will find it much easier to treat ourselves the same way.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Under Pressure

Lately I have felt the ever present heaviness of pressure, I don't mean atmospheric or even physical but in the sense that everything is converging to a single point and despite knowing how pointless it is, it doesn't seem to help relieve it. There are many pressures we each go through day to day, work being the most obvious, then there is social pressure, familial pressure, relationship pressure; all of the above come with the caveat that there is more than single minded pressure but also encouragement - sometimes however it's hard to make that distinction. Then there is financial pressure, there is no chance of let up on that score, and health pressure is something we might never have control over, political pressure - probably best to leave that steaming hot mess alone but I'm not sure anyone ever feels thrilled and comfortable in the hands of any given leader or ideology. All of these are pressures we mostly do quite well at absorbing and carrying on with the things we do have an atom of control over. None of them quite hit the nail on the head of the pressure that I am struggling with at the moment however. At a young age, I knew that one day I wanted to get married, have a house and have kids, and the naive little me said "oh thirty seems like a good age, not too young, not too old, yes thirty is the one". Now practically speaking, I think we can mostly all say that mapping out ones life is so much easier said than done. It is one of those things that had this twenty eight year old me appeared like an apparition to the younger me and explained that fact, I probably wouldn't have listened because some things you have to experience for yourself. Well shit, I am twenty eight, that's only two years until I am thirty and this deadline that is self imposed is terrifying me! It's my own prophesy, if you like, that I am completely panic stricken over fulfilling. There is the occasional pressure externally, for example when we got married in 2015, barely was the honeymoon over and the suspicion starting pouring in: "oh you feel 'sick' do you?" accompanied by a conspiratory smile. "I am not pregnant! I'm not ready for that thank you very much" would be my reply. Then there is the house and home part, living in London I think has made it so that on this score we are a little behind some of our friends. The help to buy ISA has been opened and I am more indecisive than ever; I have gone from wanting to move to High Wycombe to Oxford, Maidenhead to Reading and back to Watford. Disregarding the war of practicality and affordability vs the romanticised idea I have in my head of what a home should be, I feel ill-equipped to make a decision on that level of permanence, what with my self imposed deadline this house could potentially see the birth of our first child, or it could be somewhere we only live for a year and we decide that somewhere else is the one. To throw a spanner in the works, every time we visit my Grandpa in Dorchester we are struck with a feeling of love and comfort and home, it is completely impractical but it's there. My husband could move with his job but for me, if I want to keep going on the career path that I am on then London really is the only place to be, or at best a large city. My husband is perfectly calm, he is that way inclined, he puts up with me and my many quirks with effortless grace, and he sways with me whenever I have yet another change of heart, there is no pressure there and that is of course a strong place to be. Life is bloody scary! But it's also exciting and rich with emotion and experience and everything in between, I have no idea what the future will bring and mostly I am okay with the unknown. At some point, and that point is soon whether it be in two or five years, we have to make decisions that seem bigger and harder than any of the ones we have already made. There are dreams that have evolved or died and hopes and expectations that have defied all sense but despite all of the curve balls (sorry I couldn't think of an Anglicised expression) we are here, we are happy and that should be enough. If we can remember that five years ago we were poor and working demoralising jobs struggling to make ends meet. Four years ago I had a crisis of confidence and went traveling, something I never dreamed I would have the strength or gumption to do by myself. Three years ago I decided to let fate lead me to a new career despite having spent four years of my life studying my vocation, and I was lucky enough to land in the company I work for now. Two years ago the man I love and who had stuck by me through thick and thin asked me to be with him forever. And one year ago, I was happily married but unsure of where to go with my career, I took a leap of faith and now feel incredibly lucky to be working with a team of extremely accomplished and inspiring ladies. If you can think about how much you have achieved in just the last five years, remember also the falls because you got back up and you carried on and they are just as important (if not more), and look at where you are today. Then actually, know that we will get there because we have got this far already and in the next five years life will change as many inexplicable times as you've just reminisced upon. I suppose that's what you might call perspective, perspective when you think of other people and you is cloudy. Perspective within your own history, is clear so for now, let's try and do that.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Me, myself and I

This post has been forming in my mind over the last couple of days, a kind reader said to me that my second post where I outlined the different characteristics of social interaction was a post they really enjoyed because they could identify with it. With that in mind I wanted to find the right subject matter to follow that pattern and over the weekend it came to me, like with most of my posts, as I experienced it. Sometimes I feel like a completely different person to the one I was yesterday, do you get that feeling? I know it's something my dad feels, I hope he won't mind me saying my mum always explains it as like being married to the Marx brothers - she doesn't know which one she will get each day. I don't know that I have a comical comparison to make for myself, but it does say a lot about how regardless of whether a person has anxiety or depression, any one mood or situation can result in a completely different version of oneself. Sometimes that version is scary or shocking even to ourselves, so here goes, these are some of the different versions of me, myself and I: 1. Happy, funny me, me who has the confidence to speak my mind. I am assertive but diplomatic, using intelligent topics of conversation or points in a discussion or argument (I think). I am capable and competent, I don't worry so much about people's opinion of me, I genuinely don't care (at that moment). There is still a little lone butterfly in my tummy but its quite happy floating around in there because my thoughts and actions are showing the parts of myself that I think I am most proud of, at least until I realise myself... 2. I am inside myself, my mind, my body. I am struggling to stop my thoughts running wild. There is a storm in my head and it's threatening to pour, there are a thousand angry and frightened butterflies in my tummy and they all want to escape, through any means possible: tears, short breath and suppressed cries. I am paranoid about how people think of me, and whether or not they think I'm silly. I am certain everything I do and say is the wrong thing and that I am completely incompetent and unworthy of my life. I am doing everything I can to keep myself afloat and most of the time it's not for any single terrible reason but just a few minor frustrations or embarrassments that have built up and up and up until that one which threatens to tip me over the edge. Sometimes it's easier (but not better you understand) for me to just let it happen, I cry and I refrain from speaking for an hour, a few hours maybe more and I lie in bed until I start to feel more like I can carry on. 3. I am neither overtly confident or quietly churning, I just am. I am quiet in my mind and my mind is a balanced (ish) and a contemplative space, I don't love or hate myself, I am calm. I am capable. I read my book and am happy to be taken off on my latest adventure without feeling desperate to live a different and literary life, I am chatting congenially to my friend or colleague and a sense of warmth like sunlight is spreading, every now and then there might be a little shower but it's manageable. I do my meditation (a post on this soon I promise) and I can pull myself back to this sense of quiet confidence and calm. I am content in the things that I do and say, and can see my future as a shimmering stream of possibilities. I am happy to spend time learning and evolving and although sometimes I'm embarrassed about what I have said or done I can face up to my mistakes and accept that people will think what they like of me. That's ok, I am ok. Do you feel like these are perhaps versions of you too? As per my previous similar post maybe you're a mix of one and three most of the time and if you are I am jealous! I think that's a person who likes a life of majority balance, and you are my dream self. Maybe you spend more time being two, and if you are I am sorry that you feel like that, I promise that this storm is hard and wearing but once you get passed the hardest part and you will (and you have to do it yourself, no one can help you with this part I am afraid) I am here to help you. Don't underestimate how much just speaking your feelings to someone will genuinely help you, they love you and they will listen. If you think you know someone like this please just offer to be there and listen, they know how much you love them and mostly that is enough. They don't actually need any advice, if anything your advice might make them feel worse again, especially if despite your every effort you don't understand their feelings, you might be trying to hide it but I am sorry to tell you it's perfectly visible to that person who needs you. So just be there. Beyond that, it's taking life one step at a time, don't judge your life based on how many big things you have achieved but on the little things. Today you got out of bed, and you got dressed, you cleaned your teeth and now you are on the train or in the car. That it genuinely excellent, it's not going to change the world but you've already changed your world, you've made the decision that today you are going to fight, to battle through even if you didn't realise that's what you were doing when you made the decision to open your eyes this morning, you are a warrior. At some point I will write more about my coping methods, some of which I have mentioned already and some which might work for others or might work for no one else at all. We are all so different, so unique and our minds are the same so you are are the only person that can find the best way of coping for yourself. Anyway I am going to see what today brings now.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Another manic Monday...and all the days before that

It has been a bit of a struggle to write this next post, so I am going to jump in and push myself to do it. This feeling of resistance and tension, a mind block that is deep routed in my stomach is a fairly regular occurrence. It can be applied to any or all situations and I try to always do as I am doing now, jump in and push through as best I can. That's all anyone can do, my mum always used to say "chin up and plod on Anna" and to most degree's that's exactly what I try to do. This weekend I think would best be categorised as a manic weekend, I don't mean that in the way that we were busy with social events or even tasks around the flat but mentally. Luckily (it's not really luck it's taken a long time to realise) I have developed coping strategies to get me through, because when my mind won't stop the best thing to do is get it out into the open. I don't mean writing it all down, although that is definitely something worthwhile doing, I mean I made things. Crafts are one of my most effective therapies, and to be clear this weekend I performed the following tasks: Mended 3 pairs of jeans (with patches) Baked a Quiche Baked a meringue pie Painted 2 pains of glass Made 2 button art pictures Potted some new plants in the garden And that was on top of a trip to the bank, a food shop, tidying clothes away (most credit goes to my loving husband for the general tidy of the flat this weekend) and speaking to family and friends via text, FaceTime and phone. I had actually got out some photo scrapbooks to finish but my brain had had enough and a cracking headache invaded before I could get that far. Do I feel better? Not really as you will see from the start of this post. There is a pervading sense of sickness and unsteadiness, and as usual I can't really pin the cause down. I have done my morning meditation today, prepared my breakfast and left the house on time, determined to make a real go of today, work is pretty hectic and although I am exceptionally well supported I have no doubt that has some part in my tummy full of butterflies. As I sit writing this I am on my 15 minute delayed train where there is the usual irritated argument going on about people moving down to make more space - this is one occasion where that really isn't possible - but the hostility is feeding down the small space and I feel even more sick than I did before. It's times like these that I am reminded that the one thing that I particularly struggle with is being treated unfairly, I would say that in fact that is one of my consistent bug bears that no amount of mindfulness or meditation can give perspective on. I don't know where this ingrained frustration and hate for injustice comes from, society, the fact I was bullied or just life experience, but it's there, ever present. Sometimes I can respond calmly and coolly but mostly it's one of the only times I cannot manage my emotional response because it makes me so mad, it makes me furious! And when I'm furious my stupid over active tear ducts run rivers and then I get frustrated at myself, I am not weak and my tears make me seem like I am to the very person or people that I don't want to show my vulnerable side to. We all have times where we are overly rude or impatient with a colleague or waiter, or we even lash out at the person walking too slowly in front of us and afterwards we are probably mentally hitting ourselves we are so embarrassed. Most of the time after the event we spend the next however long justifying our actions, but we know we are in the wrong. I cannot tell you how long it took me to realise that in situations such as these, the thing that is most important for yourself and for the people in the firing line is to take responsibility for your actions. It can be extremely tough, but it does not mean that by admitting wrong you are also admitting that you've failed, there is nothing wrong in saying you were at fault, in fact if you can do it with regularity then you are a better person than I am. It is empowering for you and for the person you've unjustly and negatively effected, so next time you tell someone a mis-truth or you speak in frustration instead of kindly, trust that by saying "I was wrong" you will feel much better afterwards because your subconscious can move on, it's not dwelling in the past where your frustration lives because you've said goodbye to it. You've also appeased the person who you inadvertently upset or negatively impacted with your words or actions, it could make a difference to how they feel that day and that's important. You or I have no real idea how any one person other than ourselves is truly feeling, so strive to be kind, to yourself and to every single person you come into contact with. You know I have written all of that and I don't really feel that it expresses entirely the point I am trying to make, but I think that's my brain today, it's a higgledy piggledy day and here are my higgledy piggledy thoughts. Be kind, and forgive.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Social media makes us mad

It was my birthday this week, over a stretch of about five days I had a wonderful time, I saw friends and family and was showered with gifts and cards and messages of love. I had 40+ messages on Facebook, a dozen texts and a handful of phone calls all because yesterday 28 years ago I entered the world as a ball of life and energy; and today I have stayed in bed. In fact yesterday I knew that I was having a dip, but I had plans and it was my actual birthday so I pulled myself through the mud and I put my best dress on and ploughed into my day determined to have a great and memorable day. Today, when I woke up I should have got up and tidied the flat (we've been away for a few days and missed the weekend rituals), I should have gone with my husband to take my beloved pet to her vet check up, I should have but I didn't, I decided today I didn't have my waders and so bed was it for me. I am genuinely blessed, I realise how terribly cheesy that sounds but I am, I have colleagues, family and friends who all went out of their way to ensure I felt special, that I was given beautiful things and things that they spent time and money thinking about how much I would love these things. I am a material person, sometimes I wish I wasn't but it's one of my underlying traits and it doesn't define me over all so it's a battle I don't (currently) wish to face. So those things and the effort put into choosing them made me tremendously happy and grateful. I wouldn't even hesitate to do the same for any one of the aforementioned groups of people, their happiness is my (mostly) number one priority, and it's taken a long time to really value the group of people I have around me. Five or so years ago, for me it was all about organising a party or a gathering and feeling special because a large group of people I never bothered to get to know properly turned up, those people deserved better from me, and by pretending that I had the capacity to genuinely care enough for them I was hurting them and damaging myself. It is absolutely OK to know and be friendly with a large number of people, but to say for example that the 223 people I have on my Facebook account are as they are titled by the site my friends, is not entirely genuine or faithful to their lives they are so passionately living. And so when 40+ wish me happy birthday (and I really do mean it when I say thank you for your kind wishes) it actually makes me feel fairly conflicted. Especially in times of celebration it is so easy to wish a person best wishes, but if you think about how many people you congratulate on their new baby and will never have cause to meet said baby, wish them a happy birthday but never be invited to their birthday celebrations, how many times are you best wishes and thoughts diluted? So that when it comes to your best friend, how genuine are your wishes? Very, I am certain, but how do we differentiate between the generic message of love and joy and the deep and meaningful one? Do you actually write anything unique on their wall? I have been lying in my bed all day, feeling like I am being pinned down by a heavy fog, not thinking and barely feeling, is it because yesterday I received a steady steam of messages and today there is silence? Sadly it could be, because for every little red 1 that told me that a single person was in that moment thinking about me and about my life, my brain receive a chemical rush that slowly but surely pulled me up and up on a high and today in the silence I have come crashing back down. In fact I am certain some of you may have read 223 Facebook friends and thought 'wow that's not many, I have...'400 or 700 or maybe more? Nearly four years ago I made a conscious decision when I decided that acting wasn't the life for me (thus removing the need to keep 'contacts' on my friends list) and that was that I would commit my loyalty and time to a small group of true friends hiding in the masses of people I had met once and wish well, but who would never need me to sustain a mental or emotional connection with them. Even now, an old school friend will add me, knowing I don't really care I will feel guilt and accept the request, but no as soon as I am learning about their beautiful child I start to feel uncomfortable, this person is now a stranger and I emphatically do not care about them or their child - I am not being cruel, I am being honest; and so I delete them. (Then I feel guilty all over again!) Social media is just a more recent incarnation of the many and varied media forms that contribute to the comparison culture "she's got lots of friends", "she looks like a really fun person", "she looks so clever" the possibilities of how we present ourselves is endless, but for the most part it's fake. I do it, you do it, we all do it. That picture of me smiling and drinking my tea in the British Library, that took four or five attempts, when I was on the precipice of anxiety (for no good reason at that point I might add) because god forbid I let my 224 Facebook friends see me looking any less than what I consider my best, my outfit was chosen for two purposes to make me feel good (that is important number one) and to look good, and seeing as I spend a minimal amount of time a day looking at myself, it was because I care so much about what other people will think when then look at me. And I am addicted, I cannot tear myself away from social media, which although not a cause for my particular anxieties, it is most certainly a daily poison that I willingly ingest. My point dear friends and people that I vaguely know is this, let's try to be ourselves, and more than that let's try to present ourselves as we truly are. Most of all let's stop spreading ourselves so thinly and disingenuously by being Facebook friends with every person who adds us and then wish them the love and happiness that your best friend has worked tirelessly to deserve and where this 'friend' has done very little. So when I don't say happy birthday or congratulations to you the next time you are celebrating, I absolutely wish you well, but my love and my thoughts and my energy are reserved for the people who I am loyal to and who are loyal to me. They are my life and my world, and despite spending a whole day in bed accompanied by a dark shadow, it's them who get me through, and when they need me I have reserved my energy to get them through also.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

The trouble with being sociable...

I have spent most of the week tying to decide in which direction to take this second post, different thoughts have come and gone but something that I have found is an ever present link is: social anxiety. It’s an odd quirk of life for me, I am quite a chatty person but most social situations fill me with fear, and mostly I would usually prefer to be at home with ‘Scandal’ and a cup of tea. It’s something we all feel in different ways I suppose? I don’t know about you but I often flit between various characteristics (if you will) of social anxiety, and they can vary depending on what kind of day or week I have had, how much sleep I got the night before, if I managed to do my meditation in the morning or sometimes simply how much of a grumpy cow I am being on any given day (although sometimes that is actually a characteristic in itself).

I have roughly categorised the three social versions of myself, with a bit my of observations on other people in there for a more relatable reading experience (maybe to hide my embarrassment at being capable of such behaviour).

1. Social Butterfly Excited but nervous, eager to either experience or get the whole situation over with, conversational but a little bit extroverted. Laughing too loud, projecting jokes and stories to more people than probably care to listen, full of bravado and confidence when actually I feel very little; overcompensating for the deep down feeling of inadequacy. All the while the more I feel ashamed or embarrassed at my behaviour the worse my behaviour in this manner becomes. Bossiness seems to make an appearance, an air of humorous judgement and also complete lack of inhibitions. Most people need alcohol for that last one but not me, it’s a high - an adrenaline rush that in the end results in me sitting alone in the quiet shaking my head at memories of the last hour or hours, and sometimes even loathing myself and deciding that everyone I just spent time with is probably sitting at home thinking what an utter plonker I am. That sounds madly self centred doesn’t it? Narcissistic even, but later ok in this post I will explain why that’s not quite accurate.

2. I’m a Lady So nervous I would rather not be here, introverted, quiet and in all the effort to appear like the strong silent type coming across either stuck up or disinterested, sometimes even incapable depending on the situation. I am not on a high, I am one hundred percent already on a low, I have been since I woke up that morning - although I can’t always tell you why. Someone says something and I am vaguely aware that it’s funny, but I don’t much feel like laughing so it comes out like a derision filled sneer, every second that passes I am alienating myself from the company around me until eventually they give up and move on to someone else. And despite the fact that I feel completely and utterly awful and I would never wish this feeling on another person, I’ve just made one or two people feel like I don’t like them, I judge them or if I am lucky they don’t actually care but I think they do. This whole experience has taken its toll, exhaustion hits and the only thing getting me through is the thought of lying in bed - and trying not to play the whole event over and over in my head. Sometimes a week or even a month later I am still replaying my foolishness in my head, but by this point I have at least accepted that the other people involved have almost certainly completely forgotten the whole thing.

3. Dream Queen Now you might have guessed that this one is what I am trying to channel as opposed to the actual version of myself that I think comes across, it’s my best version of myself and I really hope at least a fraction of it comes across. I am polite and well mannered, charismatic but not overtly so - in a humble kind of way that makes me trustworthy (we all want to be trustworthy I think) and attentive. I laugh but not too loudly or inappropriately, I am empathetic and listen genuinely to people’s conversation and problems. (That sounds obvious doesn’t it, that you listen to what another person is saying. But in both one and two you will notice that my mind is so overcome with self deprecating thoughts I sometimes struggle to hear anything over the melee). I give intelligent and informed answers to topical and philosophical topics of conversations. I exude warmth and friendliness but without crossing the line of flirtation. And last but not least, I leave feeling happy and content and I only look back with fond thoughts.

Now which one are you? Maybe you are number three, and if so I have a little green monster of envy! Maybe you mix it up a bit like I do, one and two and every attempt being made at three. Maybe you’re four, and if you are then please tell me what your four is, because as you know my mantra is that you are not alone, so please don’t feel that because I have omitted a forth option that you are alone. But whichever you are, remember that at any one time another person could feeling exactly the same, that person you have always thought of as strong, decisive and assertive is actually facing a very real internal battle and it never even occurred to them that you face the battle also.

NARCISSIST

1. a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish. 2. Psychoanalysis. a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.

Ok so are you overly self involved? Yes probably a little, but you wish to god that you weren’t because your self involved is actually a yammering in your head which goes something like: 'you are not good enough’. Therefore you are not vain, because you don’t love yourself, you’re not even content with yourself (contentment I think is what best to aspire to). Are you selfish? That’s a tough one, you can still be wildly caring of others and still be selfish. There is also a fine line between protecting yourself and being selfish, and I think it comes down to gain, do you put personal gain over the feelings of another? Do you sacrifice friendships for personal or professional gain? Do you pull back from a friendship to protect your already struggling self? I cannot tell you the answer because we are all different, unique.

Social anxiety is on the rise, there is social media (but that’s probably a post by itself), there are more and more television programmes and films that show the strong and independent woman, when you struggle to tie your shoe laces some mornings without blubbing. The point is as always, you are absolutely not alone, that is not to say people feel the same way you do - let’s not devalue our own experiences by popping that self help chestnut on any given situation. But you’re not alone because at some point or another, the person you look at in the mirror, or the person who sits across from you at work has probably felt incapable of leaving the house for that gathering that has been eagerly awaited for months. I know you don’t feel strong, being strong implies a great thrust of energy and steadfastness when it’s actually more about steps. Getting out of bed, having a cup of tea, having a shower, drying your hair etc., I know it feels like you are wading through mud sometimes, but don’t let the overwhelming fear undermine your every day achievements. Strength and weakness are something for another day, but coping step by step is key for building yourself up to the best version of yourself.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

A new beginning

It is tough to know where to start, you might think the beginning is the sensible option but really I am not sure where the beginning is exactly. So I am going to start with today, Sunday. Sunday is a day for me, to spend time with myself and my most recent literary or television obsession (currently Scandal), to eat and to mentally prepare myself for the week ahead. That is something we all do right? Something that each of us need to keep our heads in the game during our work week ahead, but for me Sunday is the hardest day of the week. I don’t know where to go from this point or more accurately how to get to the point so please understand that the following is the best that I can do. I have anxiety, and occasionally depression. I sometimes wake up and feel a knot churning in my stomach and vicious butterflies threatening to burst through my chest, for no reason at all I will open my eyes and be hit by a crippling range of overwhelming emotions, self-loathing, fear, embarrassment, hurt, hopelessness…there isn’t a limit on what I may feel. And it is then at this point that I want to give up on telling my story, because as mentioned only a moment ago I feel scared and embarrassed and I absolutely do not want any sympathy, because it is ingrained into me - by society, by disapproving friends or loved ones - that I lead a lovely life, full of opportunity and love and no abuse or violence what-so-ever, so why on earth should I dare to ever feel anxious or depressed? I wish to God that I didn’t feel this way and that I would never feel this way again, but the fact of the matter is that I do and I always will. Yes that is right, I think that I will always feel this way. I am not being defeatist or negative, I am not even being a realist, I just am. The reason I am telling my story is for a wider reason, and i am talking directly to you dear reader because you are not alone. You are a person who has anxiety, or you are a person who supports someone with anxiety whether they are your husband, girlfriend, son, sister or employee; you are not exempt you either are or have a direct link to someone who has anxiety or depression. I want you to know unequivocally that you are not alone, because thinking of oneself as alone and without support is the number one issue that gives fuel to the stigma that is mental health, the second issue that gives fuel is denial of mental health as a legitimate illness. Then we move on to a separate issue altogether, the NHS and its representatives although valiantly trying their very best are marginally oversubscribed and under funded; but I am vastly underqualified to give an opinion on how it could be improved. Instead I want to try to give hope, whether you are single or in a relationship, have familial support or avoid at all costs talking to them about your mental state, please have hope. We live in a society where it has become increasingly easy to be bogged down by expectation, expectation on how to look, how to think, how to act or react. Where there is mounting pressure and attached judgement about how much we earn, where we work, where we live. Where it has become increasingly common to be penalised for your level of education or depth of intelligence, level of experience, for your lack of commitment to politics or the environment. All the while all of the things that we are told and expected to conform to are becoming more unattainable, more expensive and generally out of reach and then society is surprised when the younger generations show symptoms of anxiety and depression. Friends who have very kindly committed to my previous attempts at blogging will know that I have a tendency to give up the ghost as it were, but the reality is that the little voice in my head ends up putting too much pressure on myself, it tells me that my conjecture is ill advised and unappreciated. But seeing as this attempt is tackling the very issue that so often holds me back, I will try my utmost to not give up, more than any other time. I am not an expert and I may only reach one person, but over an undefined course I am endeavouring to express snippets of my experiences in attempt to show you that you are not alone and that there is hope.