c0ntr01z3d

[c0ntr01z3d]

so?

[c0ntr01z3d]

dönt

[c0ntr01z3d]

see

[c0ntr01z3d]

I wish we could be

the way we used to be

— close

[c0ntr01z3d]

The first time I could fall asleep without

Background noise from a random podcast

[c0ntr01z3d]

I don’t wanna lose you

But I’m losing my mind

[c0ntr01z3d]

panic attack

the headmaster

brought me home

in her car

I was so ashamed

I wanted to

drink sweet

a thousand

must be enough

I was so ashamed

[c0ntr01z3d]

Day 4

march day

match day

walk down

tram stops

in packs

school kids

don’t be

so sad

we’ve won

dad said

he knows

everything

I know the face

I attach a name

but act like

I didn’t notice

the coolest guy

with deep blue eyes

from primary

[c0ntr01z3d]

Digital decluttering

Day 3

Today I got a new phone - the original one was in a pretty shitty condition (cracked screen, poor battery life and so on), so it was high time to change to a new one.

First, my idea was to give this device a brand new iCloud profile. Then, I did not want to create another account (again), I already have so many accounts that I cannot really keep track of them at all anymore. So I decided to use my original account with the new phone BUT without syncronizing all the things I had on my previous iPhone. Start anew! Yes, baby! What a great idea!

No. It was a TERRIBLE idea. I have so many apps, so many profiles with different passwords on my previous device that it's just silly not to transfer all the stuffs from there. To realize this, I had to download and log into all the apps I use on a daily basis... Such a waste of time.

I also had to face all the unnecessary photos, notes, voice recordings, pdf files etc. that made my iCloud stuffed. They made me soooooooo nervous. Why did I let these things pile up and take so many place? Anyway, I deleted a lot of stuff - it was intersting to see to which files I was not able to say goodbye, some examples:

photos of nice places, people and memories,

gosztonyi Street Podcast episodes,

song ideas that might be hits one day.

And what's next? I'll move my previous phone's stuff to the new one. It might take some hours. I need to be patient. No rush (though first I rushed this thing through). I wish I had done it in a way I was told in the mobile shop.

Sometimes I think, I know the tuti - but honestly... deep down I knew it wouldn't work out - there must be a good reason behind why people don't do this phone upgrading thing the way I originally imagined. Still, if I can really move all the settings to the new phone, I'll have to continue my digital decluttering. DAMN, I COULD DELETE EVERYTHING. Good God, I can be so impulsive, you know, when I want something, I want it NOW. And what do I want? Order. Peace. Everything to be at it's place. Trash needs to be thrown into the bin. Treasure needs to be digged. It takes so much time.

How I'm feeling now in one song:

[c0ntr01z3d]

Headstrong

Day 1 and 2

What are you doing, Gabó? You start typing, then you delete your thoughts and start it again. Even when you're writing this, you can't help but smash the backspace button overtime.

Let's start a new paragraph. Everything you've typed cannot be deleted, how about that? Well... Now you've slowed down a bit, right? You control your stream of consciousness this time. Nice.

So... I've just started to write a blog. About everything that makes my mind spin. And now I'll share some of the things that REALLY make my mind spin:

distancing myself from materialism (as I'm reading Fumio Sasaki's book on minimalism)

long-distance relationships (as my boyfriend is going to be in the Netherlands to finish his studies for 3 months)

long-distance journeys (as my boyfriend and I are going to spend 2 weeks in Washington State this July - fingers kept crossed)

As you see, finding a connection between these three things is suprisingly easy. The notion of distance has played a pretty influential role in my life so far: I could always identify pretty serious issues with it, especially in my last two years at university and... right here, right now (check out Freakin' Disco btw). So, I really want to examine myself and reflect on how I can get on with the three points I've mentioned above. But to really see the full picture, I need to write about what happened yesterday - everything boils down to this.

I had a pretty good day, to be honest: the last day of school (I work as a secondary school teacher), a lovely afternoon with my bestie (having lunch, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, talking while sitting on the bench in mild spring weather). After she had gone, my boyfriend arrived home (I always like when he steps in my flat - he has a very calming presence, he's always full of love). We sat down in our dining library and drank some tea together as per usual. That was when he told me his good news: he got admission to do one of his remaining courses he needs to do in order to get his degree (he is studying aerospace engineering by the way - I know, I know, I know, it's sooo cool, it goes without saying). But the problem is that his university is in Delft, which is roughly 1200 kilometres away from our hometown, Pécs, Hungary (I've just checked it, you can trust this information).

Of course, we knew, I knew that one day this is going to happen - he still needs to be there for some months in order to finish his studies, completely understandable. BUT when it becomes real, it really tears you apart (love tears us apart, right?). Not easy to imagine being far away from someone who's that close to you, literally in all walks of life. But that's life, I guess. Still, it makes you terrified, makes you uncertain. Am I strong enough to be in such a relationship? We had to spend 2-3 weeks away from the other in January-February, and it was pretty hard for me. Distance makes me (even more) fragile.

But this time I need to be strong. I need to be consciously headstrong about this relationship. Not letting myself and my teammate down. This is why I'm blogging. I hope it'll help not to forget this: 5 months ago we decided to be a team, and make each other's life happier and easier. That's the mission to be completed. Doesn't sound that hard in theory. We just need to put our mind to it. Let's see how it goes.

Drop the mic and listen to Tegan and Sara, it soothes your teenage rabbit mind.