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cacacita · 1 year

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its bad over here bro lmao

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cacacita · 1 year

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im 17 pounds down and i still cant make myself eat bro

#me: wow its my saturn return! i wonder what im getting!#saturn return: congrats! ur ed is back and way worse than before!

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cacacita · 1 year

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#this was me in college i was a menace #proudest devious lick was the flag sign for wingstop

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cacacita · 1 year

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i ate today after six days of not eating bc i felt like my chest was too tight to breathe and my mom freaked out and tried to figure out what was wrong with me until i finally shared with her and she got super. serious. which ive only seen her do like 4 times ever in my life. but i told her everything after my body calmed down with a few bites and some time. she say and watched me. but i just couldnt bite my tongue anymore.

i told her how much everything appearance and weight related she and dad ever enforced on me deeply affected me so much that id grown to hate myself. hate myself so much that i wished id get hit by a car and forced into a coma to lose weight or how i fantasize daily about cutting off my arms or getting surgery after surgery done. how i starved myself through so many years and my body never lost the weight and i could see her disappointment that id never be like her in her prime. how when she bought smaller clothes for me to lose weight to fit into that it was the worst blow to pride i ever experienced. how when she locked cabinets i would eat paper and cardboard because i was so hungry. how the day she told me "dont worry mimi, inside you is a skinny girl. she just needs to come out, and youll really be yourself" is marked as the day i knew id never be enough for her or myself. id always hate myself. i lost the battle for self acceptance let alone self love long ago and i will never feel worthy of anyones approval.

for the first time ever she completely listened. no jokes. no distractions. no looking at her phone mid vent. no forgetting. no need to repeat myself. she listened to me. and she started to cry which surprised me because she is not an emotionally reactive person. she never cries. shes never serious. but she told me after a minute that she was so sorry. she kept shaking her head saying sorry and i really think she meant it. i dont think she knew how much pain she and my dad caused. she just kept saying like, we never wanted you or jt to hate yourselves, you were never ugly, you were always beautiful the way you were but youre right, we didnt treat you two like that was true. and now this is reality. fuck. it was heavy and emotional and seeing my unserious mom like this, finally listening to me, finally understanding this . fuck if i didnt need to hear that. but it got crazier. she told me that i needed to get help (not a first time shes said that) but she added that things will only get worse if i keep this up. i asked well im fat so like what would actually happen. she was like (im paraphrasing here from memory) "your heart health will always be affected by this. i know because i did this too. because of MY mom trying to control ME. AND the industry i worked in. i wasnt skinny because i walked every day. i was skinny because i didnt eat either. thats how i got to be a model. and it was miserable "

it never fucking occurred to me that my mom was or could have been a victim too. it never occured in my mind that the same pressures to be perfect and beautiful were put on her and she was just doing what she knew, just in a different, more digestible way, thinking that if i was skinny somehow through diets or outside control that i wouldnt be subject to the same misery, but it ended up doing the same thing. she realized she repeated the cycle she wanted to destroy and my dad was absolutely no help either. she really, really unpacked that in front of me and yeah today was super emotional

but it was good. i feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders, and for the first time in a long time, i trust my mom. not that she wasnt dependable ever bc she was always there for me in other ways, but i felt like for the first time ever she SAW me. she HEARD me. neither of us are empathetic people but we really empathized with each other. i think today was a huge milestone in my mom and i moving forward in the right direction. my anxiety around eating is not CURED by any means because thats from deeply internalized stuff that one conversation cant get rid of but. i have real support at home for it. my mom isnt belittling me not eating, shes taking it seriously. shes grown a lot these last few years after her own intensive therapy and she has made a real effort to be better to me and jt. i feel exhausted but relieved and ... healed. not at all completely or anything but everything clicked and i feel like. the resentment i had for my mom just evaporated. i knew a lot about her past but i didnt know she also was conditioned into having an ed from her own mother. and like. i get it now. i get her now and she gets me. im abt to cry typing this but i needed today. i wish i had a day off to decompress after this but ill just sleep early ig