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"I'd like being boys with you"

If a transfem tells you this you are one of the luckiest people alive. Treat this with the sanctity of a god revealing itself to you. Become boys with her and love him until the end of your days on his green earth.

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man i was having a dream about metal gear and then i woke up and started having the beginnings of a panic attack lmao

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angels play guitar and crossdress and pee out in the woods just squatting and lifting their dresses up and ride in the back of pickup trucks and draw pictures of people getting killed and tortured

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im a hard bass slut i want the sound that gets me hot play the noise again again i want the bass that makes me wet dirty low frequencies i wanna feel inside of me big fat hard kicks oh my god i want that shit

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Sometimes people make the perfect posts and then ruin it by going a little too far

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Sometimes boys r called Candice and are girls too

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Transgenderdly kisses you

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I love being a cute girl who's a boy. and the people who matter love me for it too

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I love being a cute girl who's a boy. and the people who matter love me for it too

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Considering turning this into an actual real blog to replace the social media hole left by leaving twitter

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Need to get it out my brain before my brain decides it wants to kill me I feel weird j feel bad? I feel weird and bad I feel not okay I guess

Bad and weird and weird and bad

My head isnt shutting up and I'm realising how self centred and selfish I am I don't give enough thought to those around me I don't think before I act I don't consider the feelings of those I might affect I really really need to work on that

I need to stop getting so caught up in myself I'm so fucking self absorbed. I sound self pitying and that makes me want to scream right now I need to stop thinking about me and just shut up just shut up and up and up shut up shut up stop this and fucking shut up Christ god fuck

It's just one of those nights it's just one of those nights I'll be fine. I'm fine it's fine I'm just fucking mad at myself I'm fuck

I wish I could tell what's going on sometimes I , I really worry and I don't know what to do I don't know how to help I don't know if I'm right to. I don't feel like I'm helpful or good for anyone or anything. Sometimes I want to isolate myself and everytime I remember my therapist saying that it's absurd to claim to have so much power over people but I'm so hypercritical I I I'm not okay I guess I don't know that sounds dramatic melodramatic pull yourself together grow up come on stiff upper lip take it on the chin you freak you fucking idiot fucking freak art school wannabe I'm so sad fucking liar you're a fucking liar and an idiot and shut the fuck UP shut up shit up shut up shut up

I'm fine I'm fine I just need to spaghetti I just I am fine I am it's fine Im fine

I'm terrible with boundaries and I'm terrible at communicating I just am I need to do better but I don't even know how to begin I don't even know what that means I was taught from birth that I get out of the way I don't inconvience people but they never told me what to do if my existence was a fucking inconvience. I shut up the fuck up idiot do u really believe that do you or are you being fucking dramatic again you fucking moron

God I can't keeep up with my head anymore it's just being loud loudloudloudloudliudloudloudloudloudloud fucking hell shit FUCK running in circles you're running in circles over and over and over and over

Are you even wanted? Maybe probably but i don't feel it I guess I logically probably am but emotionally I feel completely always a fucking obstruction I don't know what to do anymore I don't I don't I just don't Christ I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry a thousand times over Im so fucking sorry for being like this for thinking this for being this for existing like this I'm sorry for being sorry I'm sorry for everything I feel like everything in my life is just one big fucking sorry I'm sorry I turned out this way no one signed up for this no one signed up for me I don't deserve any of what has been given to me

God chirst I don't know I don't know I don't know I just I don't know I don't I don't know anymore I never have I just am like this is this from what happened is this from Bessie is this from something else allostatic load or more recent is this a response to stimuli is this manifestation of my soul I don't know I just I just know I wish I was better I wish I was more caring I wish I was more assertive I wish I was a better person I wish I took better care of those I love I wish I could heal anyone from whatever they were struggling with I just don't think I have the ability to be much better than pathetic I think that's what I deserve.

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No more staying up late I'm scared of riding the waves of suicidality again

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Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad

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I love you I love you I love you I love you so much it hurts my heart feels like it's pulling itself into folds my eyes won't stop crying oh god I miss you so fucking much the next few years are going to fucking suck aren't they FUCK oh gOD I miss you I just want you in my arms so fucking bad estrogen has turned me so annoying I know I'm too much I know I was already too much and I'm worse now lord lord CHRIST I'm fine and I'm going to be fine I'm not going to do anything remotely bad it just hurts it hurts so much fuck you truly really mean everything to me and I wish I could stroke your hair and kiss your head and be help by you so much so so so so so much I want to curl up as tight as I can and be there cuddled by you

I woke up this morning feeling dull feeling dead but in an angsty way I wanted to be beaten I wanted to be hurt it just was what I needed it's not anything more or less I just needed to raw violence done against bodies I just wanted to feel the emptyness on my body be blasted out and now I just want to shatter shatter into a million pieces and scattered on the wind in the hopes one shard might pass you by I have so much inside me I'm a whirlwind I'm a tornado I'm a quiet silent hurricane I love you fucking Christ

I'm fine I'm really fine I'm totally fine I'm just emotional and rapidly changing my mood on a dime I want to be kicked in an alleyway and left to clutch my stomach I want to be stroked sprawled out in bed I want to be choked with real venom I want to be so much more than I am I want to entwine with you I want to facilitate my desire I want to end the stage of my life I want to stop worrying about how other people see me all the time I want to be able to fully embrace my life I want to feel realer than estrogen has already made me I want to feel like a fully formed person I want to see the wholeness of others I just want to shrivel curl and ensmallen myself and shake in the cold to rest

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I really love music I love how powerful it can be a pure stream of emotion a tapping into the human experience almost like a siphon pouring from the heart into the ears

It's profound how truly immersive and real the feelings it conveys can be I don't think I can adequately express the pure volume of power music can have

I'm just going to say it I really really really really like sewerslvt, and I know in the cool circles that's cringe but I am making my stand on the death of cringe I'm making my stand that feeling something no matter what you feel it from, if it's real to you, it's powerful and you should embrace it

I'm somewhat past trying to work out what it is about her music that feels like a direct translation of a life tinged by sadness and sometimes entirely drowning in pain I'm just here to feel it resonate

The rolling drums the nonstop accelerating passage of time that violently jerks its way forward on a backdrop of negative space empty and void the frantic explosion of sound with the order of meloncholy behind it gently blowing in the background

I'm so glad to finally have an explosion of exploration finally be able to embrace everything in my life I truly like find new experiences though I do realise it has made me vulnerable open to attack exposed flesh to attack and scathe but I think part of my realisation is that I welcome it I want to embrace life with all its emotions I care not for your distain of me nor your judgement of music I embrace what is dear to me

I'm sure a better person would try to analyse why they feel such large effects from a specific peice of art or a specific autour but i care so little for rationalisation of something that feels so primal. I am over trying to quantise emotions and I am finished with treating my feelings like they're scientific data. Rather than get swept up in what kind of person feeling makes me or where certain emotions are from deep seated in my brain I henceforth demand of myself to simply feel and sit in that emotion. Finally actually become human truly experience the human experience

And with that I will embrace all music that makes me ~feel~ if it messily drives a knife through my heart or holds me in a tight embrace if it slams be over the head or if it removes feeling from my gut I will fully embrace it

Music cannot and should not be under scientific scrutiny no art should be it simply is. Why does a piece work? Well it works for the individual the collection of trauma and history that malformed stands observing it and to parse that from the complex writhing psyche that perceives it is an impossible task

Of course the art one consumes "says" something about you but what and how much? It depends how deeply the art connects and for what reasons. And sometimes the reasons someone likes a piece of art is so deep and primal that it becomes impossible to adequately make a judgement, far too intricate to be able to explain in a limiting human language what exactly this means about the person liking the art

Throw off the shackles of worry simply enjoy what you enjoy and if you wish to seek a meaningful reason why you do then do but beware the answer may prove itself impossible to find for it is so complex you'll be chasing the tale forever. You may be able to pathologise it and feel satisfied and more power to you, however I am finished, I am tired I have been unfeeling for years and today I embrace what I love for the sake that I love it

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There's actually two things I wanna write about but one I super can't just because it'd ruin a suprise and I don't know if you do read the posts I make on this blog (which you are allowed to do lol)

I just wanna talk about like problematic faves and like internet culture around thorny people for a bit cus so like I've really really gotten into sewerslvt her music resonates with me it like brings me to tears in fact it has made me ugly cry fully ugly cry. It hits my heart and sends my synapses haywire its so good. I listen to it high. I listened to it when I was rolling. I listen to it sober.

The artist however is mired in controversy, she's trans so she gets the worst awful shit from 4chan and being a kinda experimental artist /my/ loves her music but hates her and brigaged her a lot. But she's done some fairly shitty things like titling an album the nword when she was an edgy teenager

And when I had the inception of needing to write about it I was like. Fuck can't we just like accept no one is perfect and especially trans women like the fact she's fucked up in the past resonates with me and through her music its part of what makes it so good but then I stopped and thought a bit and like an edgy phase is one thing but I'm kind of just ignoring like the bad thing here. And so like yeah I defo think is bad and I don't mean to seem like I thought it was okay I just thought it was in the past leave it be and eh probably not.

But I do think something deeply intrinsic to her work is the idea of deep complexity within someone what resonates in her work is the inner sadness the deepest regret for the hurt caused in a life, it's not an album title or a horribly poor taste choice of name but the deeper like horror of being alive.

I'm not making sense. Hold on

So like I've spoken before about the regret I feel simply for being alive. I've spoken about how my existence is a burden and taking up physical space even alone in my apartment is a horrible thing to do. "Waste of space" is an idea thrown around but it's also exactly how I feel deep down. And her music gets it. Her music runs through my body and vibrates telling me it's okay I'm not alone people feel like this all the time.

I think this is what led me to ugly cry when I listened to her album released after her late girlfriend killed herself. I saw so much of my emotions in her and then I saw exactly what she went through by losing someone she loved. And I felt that.

I suddenly realised if I lost you I'd I'd I don't even know what I'd do. I don't think I'd move for weeks fuck.

It's not the first time someone problematic has been a huge part of my artistic life obviously brand new was a huge influence on me and well I started liking them so that my groomer would think I was cool. I think that's why I don't listen to them anymore

I want to try and get out why I like sewerslvt so much but I'm not sure how to word it fully other than like truly being something different it just works in a way I can't describe and whilst I don't think everything she's done is good or right I think growing up online especially on 4chan and being trans fucks with you. A lot. And losing your lover, especially to suicide, well I can't even imagine.

I do treat this as a diary by it's interesting to me I address you by second person pronouns as if they're meant for you. Talking to you is so natural that I think it's just easier than being abstract I guess. I guess you could really be anyone but it is you in my head it's you I'm taking to even if you don't read these

I've been doing okay recently oh that's one other thing I wanted to just get out I guess is that when doing daylio I've been doing okey recently, good even. And everytime I check my mood I'm suprised and it feels weird it's not worse. Like I feel almost magnetically pulled to say I'm doing worse than I am and I don't because I want it to be useful but it's weird I want myself to feel worse. I don't know what that's about I guess.

I can't wait to see you good lord

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In definitely feeling like trying it/she rather than she/it with ppl I rlly care about ;_; I wanna try to explain it and why it feels so good but I always feel the words slip from my brain

I know gender is vibes and I'm happy with that but I feel like I need to justify it

I think it's just Comfy because "it" weirdly feels feminine in my brain (which I'm sure is a whole can of worms) but also it feels like it speaks to more so than womanhood it feels more than womanhood it feels like it describes more accurate a sense of wholeness of gender my like boyish girlyness but not like a tomboy or a femboy like it's explicitly trans and ough okay I will think more about how to word this but definitely it/it's as pronouns feels just bizzarely affirming