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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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i’ve been thinking about this video nonstop since the first time i saw it
the jaunty walk perfectly in time with the music. the tip of the hat the unaware or uncaring bystanders. the shaky camera with random zooming. the fact that this is seemingly happening in a park. this is peak media i can’t get over it
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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i painted my darling son
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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dude did you seriously just put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up?
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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when e.e. cummings said “i’ll live my life if it kills me”
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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No one's committed to the bit the way ortus committed to the bit he summoned his dream man through his multi book epic poetry about him and THAT is the power of being Some Guy with a special interest and a gay crush
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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I must sleep. Sleep is the mind-healer. Sleep is the big-life that brings total ability to fucking do anything. I will face my bed. I will permit the blankie to pass over me and snores to pass through me. And when sleep has gone past I will turn the outer eye to greet the new morning. When the sleep has gone there will be everything. Energy and will to live will remain.
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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Doyle Canon: This is Dr. John Watson. He has managed to have multiple love affairs on three different continents. He is a love machine. A sex god, if you will. Able to woo multiple Victorian ladies.
80% of Sherlock Holmes Adaptations: This is Dr. John Watson. He looks like a hamster.
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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its so scary that its been barely a decade since middle school and i already cant really remember much about how it *felt* if that makes sense. how long will i live with the sense of how today felt
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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i feel bad for bigender people, the commute between Jupiter and college has got to be rough
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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Art by @dayrisfelix
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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I will not freak out that there's a house centipede in the apartment.
They eat pesky bugs.
I will not kill it for the crime of being a giant ass fucking centipede. I mean, for the crime of being small.
I will not cry when it's on the wall near where I have to go.
That incident where a centipede fell from the ceiling and into my cleavage was four years ago. I have accepted, recovered, and moved on.
I will not jump at every little shadow I see on the floor.
I am stronger than this centipede so I have a solemn duty not to flex on it by squashing it just because I'm bigger and I can.
I can co-exist with a house centipede.
I can do this.
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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maybe monsterfucker erotica doesn't need a plot but it certainly gives the whole thing a bit more substance
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.
Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.
The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.
You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.
So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”
It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.
But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”
The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”
“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”
He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”
This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.
“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.
“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”
“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”
“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”
He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”
“About five hundred dollars, sir.”
He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”
“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”
This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.
“So your address and card info?”
He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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You ever just succeed at something you’ve been working for for a while and then feel disappointed when it doesn’t cure your mental illness
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captain-nicnac · 1 day
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