chasingpurplesunsets

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Lord, thank you for this morning and the joy of seeing the bitter gourd my father planted bear fruit.

I dreamt that I was at the DOST - MIRDC office. I didn't know how I got there. Kuya Rob was there. Sir Mark was there. All I knew was that I already withdrew my application. Both of them knew but their superior didn't so he assumed that I was reporting that day.

My heart was yelling, "O good! This is my second chance." However, it didn't feel right.

I see myself battling inside me again, Lord. My heart is in turmoil within me. I do want the compensation and I see that it is a good step to increase my future expected salary. My father would like his portion from that salary and I would love to give it to him.

However, I have already withdrawn the application.

Maybe I am feeling this way now because 1. My manager doesn't seem to want to include me in the retrenchment list, if she has the power to do so, and 2. The compensation for the position I applied for in UPLB doesn't match with that of DOST's.

Please help me get through this, Lord. Guide me, please. Show me where you want me to go. Help me be still in the process.

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Psalm 2

v.1-3 - wars, dissension, men thinking they can be God or subdue Him; sometimes I feel that the war is also within me, trying to defeat what God's purpose is in my life with something I want

v.4-9 - the Lord is indeed sovereign. As mentioned in the devotional I read, God's scoffing shows the folly of trying to oppose Him and His purpose.

It is foolish to act against him. He will bring order, surely. He already did the first step - Christ's death & resurrection.

God's promise to His Son - "v.8 Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession." I can see my heart desiring this promise to be also true to me. O Lord, I surrender this greed unto you that it would be a greed pleasant to your sight, something for your glory and not mine.

v.10-12 - a warning and a word of wisdom for us, kings.

Teach me to serve you, Lord. Teach me how to rejoice with trembling.

In the end, even though I experience various uncomfortable emotions and situations, I am blessed because I put my trust in You.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

These past weeks, I often catch myself drifting with thoughts about past events and future plans despite my commitment to be more present in the now.

Lord, you see them all - my ruminations and imaginations.

My mind is constantly flooded by things I could have done and by plans for scenarios that have not yet happened.

You are all I need, Lord. You are the God of love, of strength, of power. You left without leaving Your Spirit and Your Word to guide me. I am thankful for you have never once left me.

Blessed is the man who delights on Your law. Often, I forget where real happiness comes from that's why I chase unnecessary things. Thank you for reminding me, Lord, to think about and delight on Your Word day and night.

Show me your ways, O Lord, that I may walk in them.

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I was praying for wisdom about the job in DOST since Friday, August 14, when they told me I got it. It was an answered prayer since I have been asking for it.

However, last Friday, I withdrew my application.

How fickle. This is what I have become, O Lord. You know how I condemn myself now for being like this.

A year ago, I prayed earnestly to get the job in CEB. Now, I am praying to be included in the 2nd batch of retrenchment.

My heart is really deceitful.

I still regret choosing EK over persevering for LF's Management Training program two years ago.

Am I still stuck?

Why have I become so indecisive?

Everything's so blurry, Lord.

Please help me get it together this next 30 days. Please, Lord.

Fill me with your Spirit that I may figure out what has become of me and how I may change. Please, Lord. I badly need Your healing.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

I must always strive to be present even though it means I have a greater chance to get hurt.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

"Peter therefore was kept in prison: but prayer was made without ceasing of the church unto God for him. "

Acts 12:5 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/act.12.5.KJV

This morning I remembered mom because of this verse. She always prayed for me when she was alive. It also made me regret the times I didn't pray for her even those times that I told her I would. I was so selfish.

I keep telling myself this morning that I can still pray for papa and Jairus and Niku now. I can't make my past self do the things I didn't. I know this but I'm still so regretful.

Earlier, Nathan told me he prays for me and Kuya LK also does so. Lord, you keep reminding me you've always been here and you always will be but I keep feeling alone and miserable and frustrated.

"And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands. And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me."

Acts 12:7‭-‬8 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/act.12.7-8.KJV

Wake me up from this sleep and show me the way, Lord. Give me the strength to gird myself and put on my sandals and garment. Right now I just feel so useless, unwanted.

"When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him. And when Peter was come to himself, he said, Now I know of a surety, that the Lord hath sent his angel, and hath delivered me out of the hand of Herod, and from all the expectation of the people of the Jews."

Acts 12:10‭-‬11 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/act.12.10-11.KJV

God's salvation is sure. When He wills, it happens smoothly.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

And when Peter was come up to Jerusalem, they that were of the circumcision contended with him, Saying, Thou wentest in to men uncircumcised, and didst eat with them.

Acts 11:2‭-‬3 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/act.11.2-3.KJV

Lord, I pray to have people who trust and love me enough to ask me why I did something. I don't want to be misunderstood any longer. Give me also the courage and patience to explain and share myself.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:8 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/php.4.8.KJV

THINK ON THESE THINGS.

And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean.

Acts 10:28 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/act.10.28.KJV

Do not call any man common or unclean.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

There was a time I can say I'm a go-getter.

Not now.

What happened to me?

[chasingpurplesunsets]

I have the tendency to quit.

What should I do about it?

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:4 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/2co.1.4.KJV

I love because God loves me. I forgive because God forgave me. I comfort because God comforted me. I bless because God blessed me. I listen because God listens to me.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Now I can say that I am actually afraid of how other people might perceive me.

I've been misunderstood for a while now and I didn't know I will get this worked up because of it. I guess it's normal to feel this way since I am new to this environment and I am still seeking acceptance.

Lord, please help me present myself sincerely and directly. Please give me courage to communicate with respect and passion. I also pray for understanding from the people around me. I know that I can't control how they would feel about me but I pray to have the courage to present myself properly and respectfully.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

I dreamt of a caged, abused tiger last night.

It wanted to go out and defend itself but it's too tired and hungry to move to the point it didn't go out when the cage was left unlocked.

I felt compassion and fear simultaneously. I want to free it and feed it. But I also fear it would attack us.

I went to lock the gate and saw that it's curled in the farthest corner of that old, dark cage. It defensively growl but it's too weak.

I can't remember clearly but it's with two other exotic animal, an eagle and a monkey, I guess.

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For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Romans 8:6 KJV https://bible.com/bible/1/rom.8.6.KJV

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I've been so down and not myself since 2017. But it's time to move forward now. It's time not only to practice restraint and patience but to also plan and achieve.

Gaman

Kaizen

I offer it to you, Lord.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

I can't seem to accept the message of my dream last night.

It was somewhere with lots of people. And we all began to divide into two teams to play basketball. It was peculiar as there seems to have no limit to the number of members per team.

Our team got the ball first. I held it and immediately arrived inside the opponent's court. I looked back to see if someone is ready to assist me and shoot the ball. But all stood still. As if they can't move. Or they won't move. I don't know. I knew in my dream that I was not a good shooter. In reality, I am. But there, I was hopeless. And I knew it.

I continued to dribble and arrived at a safe spot to try the shot. Still, everyone was still. Or they were moving so slowly.

I aimed but I threw the ball so poorly. It was worthy of all insults and ridicule. It's as if I threw the ball with so little strength that it barely made a trajectory towards the basket.

I was still waiting for my teammates. At the same time, I was desperate that our team not lose control of the ball. All who were watching and playing couldn't believe how fast I was. I got the ball and tried again. And again. I failed terribly three times until one of the opponents got the ball. But I didn't let them control it for long. I got the ball back before they could even pass the center court.

But I was hopeless. I'm thinking hard and hoping that my teammates would come and help me. They didn't come.

I opened my eyes after I tried to shoot again and failed.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord ; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

Psalms 1:1‭-‬3 KJV

https://bible.com/bible/1/psa.1.1-3.KJV

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James 1:2‭-‬4 KJV

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. https://bible.com/bible/1/jas.1.2-4.KJV

Temptations - anything/ anyone that entices me to move away from my center/ principles

Temptations tests my faith.

I see a path to which the object where my faith hopes goes. Left and right there are temptations. If I swerve, my faith must be faint because I chose those temptations rather than to get to the end of the path where my faith hopes. Temptations delay my journey. I shall not be angry, however, and must have patience. Temptations are just tests. My faith is pure and will never be put off. Although there were times I was tempted, my faith shows me the right path. And I keep moving towards it.

How do I balance gratitude for the journey and for the end?

Patience.

I know that I will get to the end. My faith tells me so. Patience helps me be thankful of the journey. Patience makes me perfect and whole.

[chasingpurplesunsets]

Please help me be thankful for what I have, O Lord.

This job, this place, this time.

I'm having a hard time being grateful. It makes me sick because I know I shouldn't be like this. O Lord, show me the way to my peace.

Luke 21

V. 3-4 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all: For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.3-4.KJV

To give out of my abundance is easy. Will I still give in my poverty?

I don't know what went on this widow's mind. Was she after the recognition? Was she hoping for a blessing from you? Maybe she had the courage to do this because of her faith and trust in your love. Maybe she was secured in you. You knew her heart.

I just remembered another version that she meekly put those coins because she was shy of the amount. She wasn't showing off. She had the heart to give even though she only had such.

When I was younger, I remember that this story always had me tearing up. It still does today.

To be willing to and to actually give my all for you, Lord - maybe this is the purpose of life. My time, my love, my thoughts, my money, my career, my service - all of these are not really mine to hoard. Lord, it's yours.

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V. 13-15 And it shall turn to you for a testimony. Settle it therefore in your hearts, not to meditate before what ye shall answer: For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.13-15.KJV

Please prepare my heart, O Lord. Give me courage so that I won't hinder your Spirit, O Lord.

V. 19 In your patience possess ye your souls. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.19.KJV

You know that I lack patience, O Lord. But I will choose to increase it. Indeed, now is the time to watch and pray and do nothing. This is hard for me because you know I am a person of action. I will trust in you, O Lord. Please help me in this endeavor.

V. 28 And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.28.KJV

I'm still not convinced, O Lord, that you want me where I am now. Shall I get out?

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V. 34 And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.34.KJV

Indeed, currently, I am so consumed by the cares of this life. Please help me break free, O Lord. Help me stand between the stimulus and the response. Help me see.

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V. 36, 38 Watch ye therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of man. And all the people came early in the morning to him in the temple, for to hear him. https://bible.com/bible/1/luk.21.36-38.KJV

Pray always, come early in the morning to hear Him.

***

#1 Give my all

#2 Be patient and Hope in the Lord's coming

#3 Do not worry too much

#4 Pray always

[chasingpurplesunsets]

He was so happy he got in the Management Program. As I walked a distance behind him, I saw him do that thing people do to their hands when they got something good. His joy reached me and I felt happy.

Then I realized I'm not in his life anymore and he can't be in mine. The sadness woke me from my sleep. That was my first waking this morning. It was around 5 o'clock, said my phone.

I turned to the other side of the bed to try to sleep again. But I was still thinking about him. I remember trying to sleep thinking I shouldn't have a dream with him again.

My second dream this morning was no better. Although I tried to force him out, I ended up dreaming only about him. The paradox.

"I wish I can talk to you."

[chasingpurplesunsets]

The Lord was wise. Even though He became man, He still sees through the heart of the people. He answers their hearts not their questions.

My prayer is that He heal me with His Words. I think, that is my only way to peace.