cheyebby2strong - Tumblr blog

[cheyebby2strong]

She's exhausted

Stretching her smile

To hide the sadness

She's giving up

Everything feels heavy

She's weighed down

Ready to sigh one last time

She gives in

[cheyebby2strong]

To Monica...

I admit this is probably something I shouldn't be writing but per my usual fashion imma do it anyways. I hope this reaches you at a time when ur alone away from ur girl n ur friends and I hope this remains a message between u n I and not a joke for everyone to laugh about, seeing as I've been laughed at enough to last Me 5 lifetimes. Anyways, being that I've been on meds for a bit now n a lot clearer headed I just wanted to say thank you. For being who I thought u weren't. For proving everyone right and me a fool. But I didn't write u to bash u so frfr thank u for teaching me how to love myself. After Matthew I swore I'd never be good enough for anyone. That man took every weakness of mine n morphed it into it's ultimate devil and with that manifested the most insecure, delicate, self hating, self mutilating, paranoid, crazy bitch. Yes crazy, I admit I was cazyrbefore u, ur actions just brought it out in a way I didn't know possible. The hurt you caused, correction, I caused myself, turned every nightmare of myself into a reality and that scares the shit out of me. Point is I went into a relationship incomplete and so unsure of myself I couldn't possibly give u a chance. I barely gave myself one. But I did give u a chance to be the beautiful swan you so presented yourself as In that shiny Aluminum foil wrapped so prestine you'd have thought buds himself oragami'd himself. But I quickly realized that while unwrapping the foil there was nothing underneath but air. Ur message while beautiful was nothing but hot air. It was music my ears so desperately needed to hear, but only the melody sufficed, the lyrics didn't match the beat. Anyways, in all that, I learned to stop accepting other ppls pictures if their air doesn't match. I stopped being a fool and I opened my eyes to everything around me. And I'm so much stronger than that. You took a lot of me with you when you left but luckily I am a fat girl and I had more to rebuild with. And what I rebuilt is so solid. N not heartless, but not naive either. It's dedicated but humble. It's tough but not mean. It's open but not weak. I am the best me right now and it's not all because you hurt me, but that helped. Had u not been in love with another woman n lead me in a circle for over a yr n a half, I never would've known how much stronger I needed to be. I never would've taught myself that the only love I need, is mine. So thank you. And I forgive you. Not the usual kind where I forgive u and not forget what u did so I hold it against u anyways. But the type of forgive and forget that I forgive u with every fiber of my being, but I also forget you and everything that comes with u. U could go as far as to say I have amnesia and nothing we have said or done or been ever existed in my mind. I did love u Monica but I should've been loving me. I am glad you found that one special one, that's a beautiful thing and I can't wait till it finds me someday , but for now I'm satisfied with my own love. I don't wish bad upon you nor do I wish good. I just hope that one day u r as true to yourself as u were a lie to me. Find what makes Monica happy (if u already did great) and stick with it. Put in the work. Stop running and dedicate yourself to something of actual value whether it be in terms or dollars or in terms of character. You can be happy, you just gotta stop standing in the middle of the road trying to stop traffic and just drive. Drive into everything you thought was holding you back and crush that shit. N then keep driving until you reach ur smile. Be easy, stop being incorrigible and be honestttttt. That being said if this does reach you ever, my be or in some other fate based way, take this as our closure and don't look for anymore. Let us both lead happy lives by realizing we will never have a friendship n any efforts to try will burst in flames. We we're meant to be for a season and we broke the rules trying to catch all 4, a couple times in fact. It's never going to work. May God bless u and keep u safe... #itsoverforreal #timetobehappy #timetobefree #toloveandtoloss

[cheyebby2strong]

Twisted Mind

I can’t sleep,

I sleep way too much.

I don't want to eat,

Wait why am I eating my 3rd lunch.

You look amazing girl,

Ha, you look like trash.

Today I have so much energy,

Oh god, I am tired, time to crash.

The sun is so lovely,

It’s freaking hot out here.

The winter is serene,

Way too cold my dear.

Everybody loves you,

You are all alone.

You want to be around people,

It’s better on your own.

You are smart,

“God Karen, you’re so stupid” (mean girls reference)

You’re owning the night,

Ugh this place is putrid.

Believe in yourself,

Give up already.

Your life will get better,

This shit storm will remain steady.

Bipolar disorder at it’s finest. I came up with this poem as I typed it out right now. This is the life I was given, and I am working with it.

[cheyebby2strong]

You remember too much,
 my mother said to me recently.
 Why hold onto all that? And I said,
 Where do I put it down?

Anne Carson, from “The Glass Essay”  (via blurrymelancholy)

[cheyebby2strong]

someone: quit bouncing your leg me: hesitates but continues to lowkey bounce my leg

[cheyebby2strong]

Follow me. :)

[cheyebby2strong]

Ups and Downs

It’s been a long 2 years, shit a long life I guess...

I don't know if anyone reads my tumblr anymore, but hey maybe this is more for me than for anyone else anyways.

I fell in love again, with a woman, who would have guessed? But I am getting ahead of myself here. Let me catch you up...

The last time you guys heard from me I was a single mother of 2 with my own apartment. Life was GOOD. It went from good to GREAT. I got a better job, that I fell in love with. I found my dream home ( that I rented ), it was beautiful. My kids and I were so happy... But as it usually happens, happiness is short lived in my life. I don't even know what started the downward spiral but here are some factors... Bi-Polar disorder... not being medicated took a toll on my mind. Monica... Now I can't blame her because let me quote Taylor Swift here “I knew you were trouble when you walked in”. I should have known better, but god was her false persona so appealing. The person she pretended to be was so refreshing. She was my best friend, and became the love of my life. I guess you can't really consider her than even because I believe the love of your life has to love you back, I think it was more of a mirage than anything, and I let myself believe everything she was selling. Like a girl scout, it was too hard to pass up. It wasn't all bad, don't let me lie to you. She built my confidence, she made me feel beautiful even at 260 lbs. Her pretend love felt genuine until I knew otherwise and the front she put up was fun. She loved my kids, or pretended to. I am still not really sure of that. I don't know if she’s capable of love honestly. Some people thrive passed their past other become products of their environment. I think I am a mixture of both, whereas, unfortunately for her and everyone she comes across, she is only but a product of the shit storm that was her childhood. I think that’s part of the reason I allowed her to help destroy me, I say help because I am just as much to blame. But I am a fixer, and I wanted to help her. in doing so I created a monster out of myself. Anyways the details of the relationship, if you can call it that are too painful to ever put to paper (or computer right now) but the gist of it is this. LYING. CHEATING. STEALING. eventually physical violence, once or twice. But the worst of all sadly; she was still in love with someone else. She entered what even the union we had was called with her heart still caged in someone else’s home. I tried to compete, for over a year and a half, until I realized there was no competing. Through all that, I grew crazier, because lets be real here, I have always been a bit nuts, the part of my (product of my environment) I have always worked so hard to overcome. but yes crazier, not myself in the slightest, or maybe too much of myself, that is still a bit bleak. Anyways in between Monica and now, health issues were on the rise. My laundry list of symptoms is too boring to name but it was bad. I lost about 60 lbs in 2 months, which was nice, ig. At least when my children’s father called me a pig, I could send him a side by side of me and his current gf and shut him up. Ha who am I kidding, there is not shutting that man up. Oh well, I can't even get into that right now. But yeah, health was on the decline, job was no longer a dream, relationship in ruins, deaths in the family, everything seemed so bleak, and as I type this out it seems like nothing I couldn't overcome but that's because I am leaving out all the gory details... So what does any crazy person do when their world is falling apart, make it worse. Quit my job, lost my house and almost my life. I gave up on myself and that is the shittiest thing because I am a mother. a mother who not very often in this post has mentioned my kids. and you see that is where my mind was at, on MYSELF! And that is where I had it all wrong. Flash forward past the misery and selfishness and here I am. STILL crazy, STILL sad, STILL not myself. The only difference is, I am trying and I am focused... On my KIDS. Like I should have been all along. So yeah, we are invading my mothers 2 bedroom apartment, but hey last time I was on tumblr, she was invading mine. and sure I am jobless and my car is an undrivable POS at the moment, but I start work in a couple weeks and I am getting there. I am getting medicated so I can give my children their best shot at life and that is all that truly matters right now. I have days I want to die, I have days I feel like I can conquer the world, but everyday, I TRY and that’s really saying something. I am proud of myself... Even if nobody else is...

[cheyebby2strong]

Milwaukee what are we doing.?

I am terrified to be a resident of Milwaukee right now. Everyone has lost their damn minds.

[cheyebby2strong]

MORE OF WTF-FUN-FACTS are coming HERE

funny and weird facts ONLY

[cheyebby2strong]

get rid of him. i mean it. you will absently check your phone without meaning it, so leave it behind and go sit outside. stack rocks on each other and pretend you’re burying your love alive. leave it there. be sad, but don’t listen to adele or you’ll take him back. blast breakup music. burn your hair with bleach, cut it, whatever. revel in the fact nobody asks you “but will he like it?” who gives a shit. know when you’re overdoing it. know that it’s not a race and some people don’t heal as fast as others, maybe you’re a turtle kind of person, keep your insides soft and when something gets in that shell it fucking hurts. get rid of him. sew up the missing parts with better things. they’ll feel empty at first. that’s okay. that’s okay. empty doesn’t mean endless. it means more room for new things. you’re okay if you’re still upset a year later about things. you’re okay if when you think of him you’re on the verge of crying. just don’t think about him. delete him from your phone if not only to be able to say “sorry who dis” if he ever texts. it’s not about winning the breakup, fuck that, just come home when you can. if he burned everything of course he’s going to win, he fucked you over to begin with; so don’t worry he’s got a new girlfriend and a new job and a nice car. you had to start from scratch. had to plant trees in ashes. if you’re alive that’s a good thing. he tried to kill the loving parts of you and you’re still growing. get rid of him, don’t worry that when you saw him you were in sweats and a dirty shirt. you’re a person who has been entirely hurt. you don’t have to prove you are doing better. you just have to exist without him. my mother always said being happy is the best revenge. so get rid of him. be happy. know that you had literally nothing and you still made it out in the end.

[cheyebby2strong]

I have decided to write a book about the last 6 years of my life. I just don't know whether to write it as a narrative or poetry. Either way it will be extremely personal N entertaining. Hmmmm. Where to start???

[cheyebby2strong]

[cheyebby2strong]

Baby's father

I hate you so much I could kill you, fooled myself into thinking I knew the real you. Gave you two beautiful babies and you walked away. Forever and always, was a game to play. I'm not a bitter bitch, and I salute your new trick. Better her than me, cause I know you like dick. You could hurt me a thousand times over, Shit you already did. But you fuck with my babies, Break promises to my kid? You low life bitch, There aren't words to explain. The anger and disgust every time I say your name. You are nothing but a baby, Pretending to be a man. Left me with two kids, But complain as much as U fkn can. You looked into my daughter's sad face and you told her lies. Thats all you've ever been, A book of alibies. Cheating on your bitch, and then call me a hoe. Takes one to know one. Alannis morrisette, you outta know! I give U too much credit, All U produced was a seed. I watered these flowers, I gave them what they need. You're a tryph ass nigga, Coach watches and all. Couldn't see your babies on Christmas cause ur bitches mouth, But hey that's your call. I defend you to our kids, Its not their fault your a bum. I never woulda had em with you, If I knew who you'd become. But hey, now I'm lying, Cause deep down I always knew. When ur backs against a wall you run, Just like fuck babies always do. You say my dad didn't want me because of my mama Nope, he was just a weak bitch like you, Had nothing to do with no drama. I'm a fat bitch, a lazy bitch, I don't take care of my kids. I do more in one fucking day then your pussy ass ever did. Two baby moms and we both can't stand you. But we're the crazy ones, Its came out ur mouth so it must be true. And the bitch U with, She isn't any better, Flaunting a broke ass nigga driving her car. Bitch get your Shit together. I may be dwelling on this Shit, For a little too long. But you abandoned my babies And it makes me crazy, cause your wrong! So keep making babies, Keep breaking their hearts. Have fun when U have no one, And your world is torn in parts. Like I said before, I hate U so much I wish U we're dead. But ur as good as gone anyways, Put your own bullet in your head.

[cheyebby2strong]

Just wondering why God hates me

[cheyebby2strong]

And here's my fat ass, hehe

[cheyebby2strong]

And here they are. My world

[cheyebby2strong]

Do I even have followers anymore? Lol

It’s been quite a while since I have been on here. Over a year. So much has changed, so much as stayed the same… I am now a single mother of two. An almost 4 year old and 11 month old. I have an amazing job that I love. My own apartment (that is taken over by my mom n siblings, but I love it) lol. I have been happy, kinda, and learning to love myself. My children’s father isn’t even worth a sentence so I’ve already given him more credit than he deserves. I am alive. More so than I have been in years. I am a great mommy. I am me…