chocobytes21 - Tumblr blog

[chocobytes21]

I'm sorry

I did it again, and actually almost hung myself,

The only reason why I didn't was because I remember what s friend who I love to death sent me. It was a small presentation of why I should keep going and in the final slide she said something about how I'm the most important person to her in the world and that she won't have anyone to take care of if I die, and I just remember that when I'm about to end it all, I just burst more into tears

Thats one of three reasons why I'm still alive

Her

My dog

And my wanting to make more drawings

But still, the thoughts and feelings are very overwhelming and loud, idk what to do anymore

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I hit something

I finally did something

Some nerve damage

My hand feels weird and painful, like if I struck a nerve or something

Blood is spilling onto my bed

Tears rolling down my face

More scars to the collection

Yay!

Haha, I think I need help, but I won't get it, why!? CAUSE WHY NOT, HAHAHAHA I DONT WANNA KEEP LIVING, SO HAH!

I am not doing good anymore... I feel empty and so stressed... Too stressed, that's why my suicidal thoughts are getting stronger... I'm sorry

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Wish that was me

he he just like me fr ! 😻😋

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Me after I harm myself and see blood drip from my wrist onto my bed:

Ahahahahah

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I LOVE IT, KITTY NOISES AHHH

i dont care what you’re doing take 1 minute out of your day to watch this you wont regret it YOU NEED SOUND

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I have once again returned to my old ways, cry, slash, bleed, regret, sleep

I am very fucked

I am tired of wanting to die but cant, WHY MUST I FEEL LIKE THIS, OH I KNOW WHY, ITS BECAUSE OF THEM, ITS THANKS TO THEM THAT I CANT TRUST MY FAMILY NOW, FUCK THEM

I also feel like this for other reasons

AAAAAAAAHHH

Fuck, I just wish I could forget them, I loved them and they loved me, but I shouldn't have loved them... I shouldn't have trusted them

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The drawing in question

The first drops were accidents like me, the rest were on purpose

Guess even depressed and suicidal, I add detail into my drawings

Hahahaha I don't know how I'm still alive

Help ... I guess

GOOD NEWS

I am feeling a bit better, still depressed but better

Im still afraid that it might return but that's a problem for future me to deal with

Right now I'm gonna try to be happy

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Nvm

I feel dead inside again

I have harmed myself again and let blood drip onto a drawing, sooooo yeah, kill me please

GOOD NEWS

I am feeling a bit better, still depressed but better

Im still afraid that it might return but that's a problem for future me to deal with

Right now I'm gonna try to be happy

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GOOD NEWS

I am feeling a bit better, still depressed but better

Im still afraid that it might return but that's a problem for future me to deal with

Right now I'm gonna try to be happy

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I need help, I can't take it but I can't bring myself to die

I'm stuck in a loop of agony

This is not a joke with any haha bullshit

I just now like 10 minutes ago was over ventilating, crying, feeling weak, hands not working well and I felt like my hands, tip of nose, legs and inside of mouth were cut circulation or something

Like my hands were not cooperating with me, my thumbs were not working well

I felt warm inside my throat

I was feeling limp or weak idk, I tried to sit down but I felt dizzy, it was worse standing up

You know the feeling when you sit down and accidentally cut circulation to your legs?

Yeah, I felt that at my hands, legs, nose and mounth

And it all started when I started to think of something personal and stressful

I think I'm gonna go get help now, I feel sad, unmotivated, hopeless, suicidal and I am starting to get that and I don't know what's that called

I'm still crying a bit and I feel like it might return

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This is not a joke with any haha bullshit

I just now like 10 minutes ago was over ventilating, crying, feeling weak, hands not working well and I felt like my hands, tip of nose, legs and inside of mouth were cut circulation or something

Like my hands were not cooperating with me, my thumbs were not working well

I felt warm inside my throat

I was feeling limp or weak idk, I tried to sit down but I felt dizzy, it was worse standing up

You know the feeling when you sit down and accidentally cut circulation to your legs?

Yeah, I felt that at my hands, legs, nose and mounth

And it all started when I started to think of something personal and stressful

I think I'm gonna go get help now, I feel sad, unmotivated, hopeless, suicidal and I am starting to get that and I don't know what's that called

I'm still crying a bit and I feel like it might return

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Hahaha! The thoughts are getting stronger and you know what that mean, stronger suicidal urges, and that transforms into me actually getting closer to it!!

And I'm already super close, AHAHAHHA THE END IS SOON MOTHERFUCKERS

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Doodle I did about my feelings that only I, the only person who knows how to read this, know what they mean

If you want to, you can decipher it

Here's the code

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My two moods rn

An eepy girl, a real snoozer

And the dark feeling of hopelessness, the stress of the future, for what I wish for is hard to complete, failed attempt after failed attempt, a feeling of emptiness...

Death is what I seek and a bitch slap from life is what I receive

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If I was my own therapist

I don't go to therapy anyways

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Forgot it was my birthday

Not the best time to feel hopeless and want to die

Haha, I still feel sad, maybe even W̶̡̲̖͍͓̳̱̣̳̯̼͍͈͍͒ ̷̢̛̲̗̝̲̾̾̓̓̓̀̽̉̽̎̉̎́͝O̷̼̗̱̥̯̭̻̼̩̙͍͗̆̓̑̊͜͠͝ ̵͚͇͍̳̦̩͗͛̐̾͑̐̊̋͐̋̒Ŗ̴̨̤̼̬̲͔̘̹͓͙̳̻̖͍͎͔͚̅̂̍̉͊̑̀́͌͗̇͊̕͜ ̸̧̛͉͔̥͚̳̬̞̬̺̙͈̟̼͔̹̺̬̦͍̹̇͋̌͆͛̿͂͋̓̂̾̓̊̊̀̉͘̕Ş̸̠̜͕̘̭̮͍̫̠̹̞̟̩͍̹͔͚͖̪̳̈́͌̓̀̌̏͜͠ ̵̧̹̭̦̘̀̈́͒̿̒͒̂͗̈͗̔̕̚Ţ̷̢̪̭͕͍̰͔͕̯̭̫͖̤̫͈̅̉̓͜

HahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I FEEL EMPTY YET FULL, I AM NOT HAPPY THAT ITS MY BIRTHDAY

....

It reminds me that I cant do anything to die, that no matter how hard I try, I will live no matter if I want to, I will always fail and be left with scars from my actions