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chokiipng · 2 years ago

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» THE TRAIN RIDE HOME ; itoshi rin «

; ↠ itoshi rin sees you every morning at 7. the moment you smile at him, he knows it's all over.

## author's note: i went thru the 7th circle of hell and a pack of malboros while writing this. enjoy! ## contents: itoshi rin x reader, gn but feminine details, crushing, canon-compliant i think? idk ur both like 17 so it works, confessions and fluff! ## wc: 13.2k (i'm unwell)

itoshi rin likes to count the people as they board the train. it's a habit leftover from his childhood, where he'd sit with his little legs swinging, pointing everyone out to his brother. (passenger 4 wore blue every day, and passenger 18 always had cat fur on his coat, and so on.)

he collected minute details to store in his head, a way to de-stress from the rush hour of his life. every morning at 6, he'd go on a run, and then from his final destination, he'd take the train back. rin was a regular, and an observant one at that- so it was only a matter of time before he noticed you.

you sat diagonally from him, always with your hands in your lap, twirling around the loose threads on the cuffs of your sweater. that was the first thing he noticed about you- the white cable-knit zip-up you frequently donned.

it looked nice on you, he thought. you seemed cozy, almost, as cozy as one could be on a train at 7 in the morning. rin wondered where you were going, since you appeared too young to have a corporate job.

you were on the train whenever he boarded and got off 2 stops before he did. and itoshi rin couldn't help but watch as you left. you carried a canvas tote with a familiar character that he couldn't quite place, and you'd always smiled warmly at the sweet old lady to your right. there were paint splatters smudging your shoes and rin wonders if you liked to draw.

he’d never ask, though. because why would he? you were a pretty person on the train, and he was just another passenger.

rin thinks he’ll settle for just watching, for now. he never expects you to look his way.

it’s a cloudy thursday when you aren’t sitting at your regular spot for the first time in at least a month. rin shouldn’t feel a tinge of disappointment, the way he does in the pit of his stomach now. he doesn’t even know you, so who is he to be upset by your absence?

it’s not until he takes his own regular place that he realizes- you weren't missing. you'd just shifted seats. you were next to him, now, bag in your lap and hands rested on top of it.

rin snaps his head away from you as soon as he realizes you're there, and he can feel his ears burning. you're not even looking at him, exchanging amicable conversation with the same elderly woman, who is now across from you rather than next to you. there's a mother with a little sleeping boy on her lap occupying your regular place, and he presumes that's the cause of your breech of pattern.

he's snapped back to reality when the old lady laughs and says a name that sounds so honeyed and sweet that it couldn't belong to anyone but you.

"you're just the funniest," chuckles the woman, "makes me feel young again."

your smile is wry. "i guess i picked that up from you, mrs. sato."

rin doesn't quite mean to eavesdrop on your quiet conversation, it kind of just happens. you were right next to him, how could he not? and he also didn't mean to sneak glances towards you whenever you were turned away. that was also an accident, a slip-up he was very grateful that no one else picked up on.

it wasn't his fault that you looked even prettier up close. it wasn't his fault that he wanted to memorize how you looked when you smiled, down to the minuscule creases and lines of your cheeks.

you bid mrs. sato goodbye with a polite tip of your head when the train reaches your stop. your shoes have new paint stains, and your jacket is collecting more lint. rin wonders if you've noticed. and he watches you go long after you're gone.

he's not expecting to be addressed, so it takes a few tries before mrs. sato gets his attention.

"hello! young man! hello," she waves a wrinkled hand in rin's face and he turns to her.

"so..." her eyes shine with a childlike mirth and rin is a bit scared because what is going on?

"you're not as sneaky as you think you are, boy."

rin stiffens. "what?"

"i see you peeking at my dear friend."

he blinks, unsure how to reply. it's not everyday that the 70-something year old woman your totally-not-a-crush is friends with confronts you about your staring problem.

"huh?" he asks dumbly.

the old woman rolls her eyes and the train lurches to a stop. "well. i'm out of town for who knows how long, and i wouldn't want them to be lonely. i'm sure you wouldn't, either."

she stands with a joking wink and rin fights the embarrassed scowl from creeping onto his face. he's positive that he's red right now, and he's giving his all to not be disrespectful to this elderly woman in public.

"well, be good to them." rin opens his mouth but she's already hobbling away. he sinks back into his seat and wishes it would eat him alive.

rin sees you the next day, sitting in the same place as you were yesterday. he shifts to put a little more space between the two of you, a little embarrassed- his breathing is still heavy from his run, and he's sure he smells of sweat.

you notice and give him a soft smile, though something akin to confusion muddles your eyes. you must be wondering where mrs. sato is, but you don't bring it up.

"sorry," you apologize for nothing. you also scoot a little to the side, and rin almost wants to say 'no, don't move further, you didn't do anything,' but that would be creepy and he doesn't want to be that guy.

so instead he fights his resting bitch face and gives you a sharp nod without meeting your eyes, because his face is already hot from hearing your voice say a single word and he is rather humiliated by his limits. "you're fine."

rin thinks he sounds like a strangled cat and he'd punch himself in the face if you weren't right there. but you give him a smile, and he feels a strange elation, and god, was it always this warm on the train?

"you're on this train every day, right?" your voice is hushed, and rin wonders if it's because you're trying not to disturb the mother and her child (who are still cuddled into your usual spot) or if that's just your demeanor. either way, he wants to find out. he wants to know you.

"i am."

you seem to consider his words for a moment and rin realizes that this means you know him. or, at least, know of him. you've seen him every morning just as he's seen you- the realization sends a strange spark through his stomach.

"where are you headed to so early?"

"home. i run out here and take the train back."

"you're a runner?"

"something like that."

you hum, and before you turn away, rin speaks again. "where are you going?"

he watches as you turn your head back towards him, a genuine smile forming on your face. "i work at a primary school. it's not an official position, but i'm kind of the art teacher."

he raises his brows. "art teacher?"

"yeah! i started off as a volunteer, but i guess i fit better since i'm younger than regular teachers," you shrug, and rin thinks he could listen to you talk forever.

your voice is beautiful, he thinks. it suits your name, and you face, and he can't think about it much longer because otherwise he'll start burning alive. he's still not looking at you when you introduce yourself, because for the sake of his dignity he doesn't think he can.

he already knows your name but he thinks it sounds even prettier falling from your lips. and god, he messed up, because now he's thinking about your lips.

"itoshi rin," he manages to get out when it's his turn to introduce himself.

"itoshi rin," you repeat, and the boy thinks he might die right then and there. what is wrong with him?

you're about to say something more but you get a look out the window and realize it's almost your stop. grabbing your bag, you stand as the train stills.

"this is me. i guess i'll see you tomorrow, then."

"see you."

and then you're gone, just like that. the morning train is silent once more, save for the whirring as it begins to run again and the footsteps of passengers finding their places.

rin decides that he can't wait until tomorrow. he's not sure why.

over the next few days, you and rin grow closer. or, you'd like to think you've become closer. you talk a lot more, about everything, and he sits and listens.

he knows about your favorite student at work, and how he had given you the doraemon tote bag that you always sported for your birthday last year. he knows about your cat named snorkel and how your friends always tried to set you up on dates. he knows about your favorite foods and how you hated sleeping with wet hair.

and rin decided that he would do anything to hear you talk. he acted uninterested, sure, but he hung off every word you said. he engraved every single sentence into the details of his memories, stowing away any information you'd give him in the catalogs of his brain.

it came to a point where every single one of his thoughts were tainted with the knowledge of you. you were all he could think about- he saw you in every crowd and smelt your perfume in the wind even when you weren't around.

it was pathetic, really, the way he searched for you in everything, and the way you appeared to him, too. especially since this 'infatuation' was the product of a few measly mornings and some half-asleep conversations.

this was pitiful, rin thought, he was pitiful. but he kept coming back.

(..and it was especially pitiful because you were kind of annoying.)

your smile was as radiant as it was infectious, and you really, really liked talking. you might've been a little hesitant to speak to rin at first, but that certainly wasn't true anymore. with the way you ran your mouth, anyone would think you'd been friends for years.

rin hated how you left him without things to say. he couldn't muster his usual cruelties when he spoke to you. usually, he just hummed along or gave you minimal replies. but the flow of the conversations you had were never dull, and they became a highlight of his day.

"you'll never guess what happened," you started, as soon as rin took his usual seat next to you one tuesday morning. he uncapped his water bottle and took a sip as you continued.

"yesterday morning, i told you about how we were doing an animal painting activity, right?"

"yeah."

"okay, so i had just finished my example and instructions, and i was helping this one little boy. he's really sweet, by the way, he just doesn't really like... paint. which is kind of counterproductive."

"mhm."

"but anyways, this other kid comes up to me- she's tugging on my sleeve, and she says 'i made you something!' and it's not like i never get paintings from students, so i'm all like 'oh, thank you! what is it!' fully expecting it to be just some drawing, right?"

"right."

"but she hands me my bag!"

it's then that rin notes that you aren't carrying your usual tote bag. instead, you have an old canvas satchel that's cute but not nearly as endearing as your previous one. he frowns.

"it was fully covered in paint- like, it was all over her hands and everything. no way i'm getting that bag back. so messy," you shudder.

"it was the one your student gave you last year, right?"

"yeah. i'm a little sad, but i can't be too upset. she was like, 7 years old. they do that."

you begin to prattle on about some other inane topic, and for the first time since he's met you, you don't have rin's full attention. you don't seem to notice, but he's already adding another item to his mental checklist.

‧̍̊ ˙ · 𓆝 . ° ｡ ˚ 𓆛 ˚ ｡ ° . 𓆞 · ˙ ‧̍̊

the following day, when rin boards the train, he doesn't greet you. he's holding something, and when he sits next to you he wordlessly drops it on your lap.

"what's this?" you fumble with the item in your hands- it's something light in a plain paper bag. rin doesn't reply, crossing his arms and slouching down in his seat. he stares straight ahead, eyes probably burning holes into the side of the train.

"okay, grouch. don't say anything, then."

"just open the bag, dumbass."

"jesus, fine."

you reach into the parcel, pulling out a denim bag. it's roomy and well-crafted, and a set of pins are stuck into the side. you recognize familiar cartoon characters, a paint palette, and a little train. for the first time since you've met rin, you're not sure what to say.

you stare down at the bag. rin stares at you. when you look up to meet his eye he whips his head away. but then he hears a shuffling, and your arms are around his neck, and he's frozen.

you're hugging him, and he can smell your hair, and he can't say a word. he thinks your shampoo smells like peaches. he would ask you if he was right if only he could find the words.

you're gone just as soon as you appeared and rin misses your warmth, but maybe a bit of it has transferred to him because he's all hot beneath the collar of his crewneck and he's feeling his face grow uncomfortably flushed.

he slumps back in his seat as you fiddle with the enamel pins- they're dainty and unique, and you're a little taken aback by how thoughtful they are. "i love this."

if rin were to try and form a coherent sentence, he thinks he might combust. so he just hums an 'mhm' and pries his gaze back to the opposing window, a little humiliated by how difficult it is for him to take his eyes off you.

he thinks he's done a pretty good job of cooling himself down until your hand is on his forearm. the contact feels icy against his hot, flushed skin and it sends a shiver down his spine as he turns to meet your gaze again.

"thank you," you say and your hands gently squeeze his arm, "this means so much to me. really."

this isn't the first time you've left him speechless, but it's the first time you've witnessed just how potent your effect on rin really is. you smile at him again before leaving him be, continuing to fiddle with the bag while he recuperates.

you keep talking at him but it's in one ear and out the other, and by the time it's your stop he's only a little bit better. you stand when the train stops and the window's light trickles through the opened doors and falls upon your lips like they're being highlighted just for him. he blinks the thought away.

"i'll see you tomorrow morning, rin," you say as you hold your bag close to your side, its new contents sitting heavy in the bottom. rin only nods and crosses his arms.

he hopes that little expression can contain the vast expanse of indescribable emotions that he feels for you, but he knows he's unfair for that because even rin himself hasn't been able to comprehend them.

he's not sure why he doesn't see you as a bother or distraction. he's not sure why he'd be disappointed whenever you didn't continue a conversation or praise the littlest things in a way he'd never expect from anyone else. he's not sure why he's so determined to make you smile, and he's even more uncertain as to what the strange, strange sensation he experiences whenever he succeeds is.

he's not sure, he's not sure, he's not sure, but he thinks he loves it.

he frowns. rin loves how you make him feel. his frown grows deeper at the realization. his eyelids flutter shut and he tips his head back against the edge of his seat, a dull thump sounding as it hits the metal.

he thinks he'll ignore this realization, for now.

it's almost a week after rin's gotten you the bag, and it's become your new everyday option. he can't help but think it looks especially good with your white zip-up and he applauds himself silently for his fashion choices.

the bag already has some tiny, colourful fingerprints decorating the sides and streaked up from where you'd presumably snatched your property out of your students' grabby little hands.

the thought makes his lips quirk upwards into a tiny little half-smile, one that's barely there but you pick up on all the same. pausing in the middle of your sentence, you ask him: "what're you thinking about?"

if rin was smooth, and if he was interested in you, he'd reply with 'just you, babe,' or something else that would make you blush and make him want to die inside. but rin is not smooth, nor is he sure how he feels about you.

it's nothing short of sickening, how you continue to take residence in his mind constantly. if he thought it was bad when he'd first started talking to you, it was a thousand times worse now. rin kind of wishes he could go back in time for the sole purpose of beating the shit out of the past him as a warning to not let you do this to him.

because, if he was being honest, he was scared. the premonition that his feelings toward you might be something like attraction was horrific because god, what was he supposed to do?

his entire life was dedicated to being the best. he was born to be on top and he'd die on that podium, looking down on everyone else. in the past, he'd cared about nothing else but winning.

his dreams, for the longest time, were plagued by pedestals and gold medals, and trophies with his last name but someone else's first. he'd fall asleep to his mind's eye envisioning blood pooling in his gut as he bled for his crown, his crown that was always out of reach.

and then you showed up in them. rin couldn't decide if you made his dreams better or worse. (okay, that was a lie- definitely better, but he's not ready to admit that quite yet.)

in the midst of his bad dreams, you'd come to him, sitting pretty on the train next to him. you'd talk but he'd never be able to remember what you said come morning.

this was bad, rin thinks, he was bad. he was awful and horrible and wrong because he should be dreaming about winning and not you. you were distracting him, being on his mind all the time. while he ran to the train stop, a task that usually cleared his tired mind, all he could picture was you, you, you, waiting for him.

that was another thing. you were waiting for him, and he couldn't not show up. rin's considered changing his routine so he could keep away from you for the sole purpose of fighting his maybe-crush and being able to focus on his sport. he's thought about not replying to your texts, which you sent every afternoon to check in and ask how he was.

but then he pictured you, alone on the train, and he couldn't. the thought of you getting friendly with anyone but him made his skin crawl. what if that boy who sat on the other side by the door tried to talk to you while he wasn't there?

no, no, rin couldn't have that. not when he liked you this much- it was far too late to let go. he'd already done this to himself.

so he keeps coming back, every single morning, just to see your face. there was no denying it anymore- rin liked you. too bad he'd never say a thing.

"rin?" your voice snaps him out of his thoughts. "what's up?"

he glares at you like he hates you, but you know better and so does he. "nothing."

you tilt your head. he stares right back at you before conceding. "the paint smudges on your sweater and stuff."

"hm. what about them?"

"your job must be hard."

if he's being honest, rin doesn't really care about what you do. he's just trying very hard to not let the fact that he was smiling thinking about you show.

"it's not that bad," you say, "well, i mean- tedious, sure. plus i hardly get paid, i'm not under contract, and they could just decide to stop paying me at any point since there's nothing making them, technically."

rin raises an eyebrow. "and you say it's not that bad?"

"it's not! really!"

"and you work with kids."

"yeah, so not that bad."

"that's worse." you make a face at him and he fights another smile because how do you do this to him so easily?

"i swear it's not as bad a job as it seems."

"it's not even a job, technically," rin points out.

"okay, okay, you can stop making fun of my position, rin."

your use of his name makes his heart do something weird and nauseating in his chest and he hates it. "whatever."

you hum in contemplation before sitting up in your seat with an idea. "how about you come with me today?"

rin stiffens. "what?"

you don't flinch at his unintentionally bittered tone, and rin feels something strange inside him again. he feels a bit like a fish out of water, being put on the spot like that.

"well, i mean- only if you're free, of course," you twist away from rin ever-so-slightly as you start to backtrack, hands finding their way to fiddle with a strand of your hair, "i don't wanna overstep or anything, and i know you're probably busy and we're just-"

"no."

rin's voice cuts you off. "oh. that's cool, i'm sorry i asked."

oh. that wasn't what he meant to say at all. "no, no, wait. i mean no, stop talking."

"oh. i said i was sorry."

he's really just digging his own grave, at this point.

"wait, wait, wait. i mean.. no, stop talking, yes, i'll go with you."

it's almost comical how you brighten up in a heartbeat, and a strange twinge of pride at the fact that his presence could do that to you zips through his chest.

"oh, i'm great. i mean- that's great. this is great. i'm so excited." you fiddle with the sleeves of your sweater and the enamel pins on your bag that he got you jingle and rin thinks that he's stupid for ever considering avoiding you.

and again- if he was a better man, he'd say so. but he's not, so he side-eyes you instead. "are you sure this is even allowed?"

"i am. as long as you're not some kind of criminal, or whatever." you look back at him, eyes creased with amusement. "you're not, yeah?"

"nope. just a few aggravated assault charges." he's only kind of joking (because injuries on the field do not count against him outside of it), and his voice is dry with sarcasm. he's not expecting you to laugh but you do, and he thinks everything he's done to lead up to this moment has been worth it.

"lovely. then you'll be fine. i hope you're good with kids, rin."

his mouth falls into a frown. he'd forgotten about that. he's about to say something but the train lurches or a stop and you're standing, prompting him to follow.

it occurs to rin that this is the first time the both of you have stood next to each other. the slight widening of your eyes at his obscene height is something that amuses him, but he chooses not to comment on.

he also keeps silent about how your beat-down and paint-smudged pair of shoes squeak ever-so-slightly as they exit the train. you move with a slight bounce in your step that makes the shoes pivot and squeal a little in a way that should irritate rin and not endear you to him the way it does.

it's only a short way to the school you work at from the train station, and you talk about menial things the whole way. rin's arms are crossed uncomfortably over his chest as he walks, and the plush insides of his deep blue sweater suddenly feel too hot, and he's feeling clammy even though the sun is hardly out.

you walk through the front office with rin in tow, tailing you while looking incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. the front office ladies chuckle like they know something he doesn't when you check him in and rin kind of wants to punch them. he doesn't, though.

when you lead him to your classroom (or, more precisely- a large storage room that was reassembled with tables and chairs to become a classroom) he's not surprised to find it colorful and bright.

the walls which aren't big windows are practically covered in various pieces- hand turkeys, landscapes, various misshapen animals, crude imitations of people- and a few pieces that are undoubtedly from a much more skilled artist. there are beautiful scenes that look like they're from movies, and there are unique interpretations that seem like they took painstakingly long to create.

he walks up to one- a faceless pair of women. one is sitting on the kitchen counter and the other stirs a bowl of something that looks like cookie dough. it's simple, it's sweet, and it's beautifully made. "you painted this?"

you're placing your bag down on the chair that sits behind the teacher's desk, which is just a repurposed old table. "i did. that's really old, though. kind of embarrassing."

"it's not." his finger traces his newest observation about the painting- your name scrawled in the corner. "it's not."

he's not looking at you, but he knows you're staring at him. he won't look back now, but he wonders what you're thinking. he imagines your quizzical expression, and he imagines the sun filtering in through the windows making you shine as you absorb every colour in the room.

he imagines you looking at him, and he thinks it's the prettiest sight he's ever thought up.

the bell rings after a beat of silence passes. the shrill noise draws you both from your stupor, and rin turns to see you walking around, busying yourself with placing a piece of thick watercolour paper on each desk.

"well," you say, and rin might be imagining it but your voice is a little choked, "we've got.. 2 classes? yeah, two. both will be 7-year-olds today. think you can deal with that?"

rin's eyes narrow. "i thought you said i wouldn't have to deal with any kids."

your face contorts into a smile. "yeah. i know. you can just sit in the back and watch. i'll get them to not bother you."

you gesture to a tiny little desk situated in the back corner of the room and rin cringes internally as he walks up to it. he sees you biting back a laugh and glares. as he takes a seat, his knees are up to his chest and his arms are draped uncomfortably over them.

"this isn't funny," he deadpans as you bite your tongue. with a humiliating amount of effort, he removes himself from the tiny chair and walks back over to the teacher's desk where you stand, crossing his arms over his chest.

"in my defense, i didn't compensate for how tall you'd be. you can just be at my desk, i don't mind."

you place your bag down onto the floor in the corner and rin moves to take your seat. all you have on your desk is a pile of books that are collecting dust, and a dingy computer setup that seemed like it was from the stone ages. there's a series of sticky notes on the black screen- he knows he shouldn't, but he reads a few.

there's a few about restocking some supplies, and even more about various lesson plans. rin thinks you put an awful lot of work into a position that technically isn't legal. and then, his eyes land on his name- in pink pen that stands out on the yellow paper, 'itoshi rin' is scrawled on with a myriad of stars and hearts and squiggles surrounding it.

rin blinks, half expecting the message to vanish. it doesn't. his hand reaches out to take the note but he's interrupted by the room door slamming open and a gaggle of children bursting in.

their teacher seems exhausted, and rightfully so, especially considering it was barely 8 in the morning. she takes a seat close to the exit and slumps over, seemingly asleep, as the students spread around the room.

they take places behind desks and fist the provided paintbrushes in their little grubby hands, chattering amongst themselves as if it's not insanely early. rin watches as you bounce around the room, conversing with the kids who call your name.

his gaze doesn't leave you once, as you move to the front of the classroom to begin your speech on today's assignment. he's only half-listening, but he catches short phrases. it's something about practicing watercolour responsibly and learning to work with a new medium.

rin's never been an art kid. he's never seen the appeal. but the way you seem so excited to be there, and so genuinely happy to teach, makes him think that he should be listening, too.

the kids start to paint, now. he notices how some of them start with a pencil, tracing crude outlines of whatever they're trying to make, while others dive headfirst into the watercolour. you weave around desks lavishing them in praise, and rin wonders what you were like when you were their age.

little feet begin to scramble around the classroom as the assigned seating chart dissolves with time. you don't seem to care all too much, continuing to help a student- a little girl, with tiny, short pigtails tied off with purple scrunchies.

he doesn't realize he's been watching you until the girl catches his eye and says something he can only kind of make out. "who's that guy lookin' at you all mean?"

her finger points straight at rin, and he promptly pretends like he was very invested in the blank screen of your 1900s computer. he sneaks a glance back to see your eyes fixed on him before returning to the girl with an awkward laugh.

"ah, him! he's.. my friend. he's just sticking with me today," you smile, and feels himself sink into the chair deeper. he's not sure what he feels at the use of the word 'friend' but he doesn't think he likes it.

but it was a fine answer. it was decent, it was true- what, did he expect more? if he did, clearly he wasn't the only one because the little girl with the pigtails gives you a look. rather loudly, she exclaims "you mean your boyfriend?"

you blanch at her words and rin's subtle gaze returns to a full-on stare as he watched your reactions. "asami, not so loud! indoor voices," you try to sound authoritative but your voice splinters and sea of little faces is suddenly turned to face you.

and then, slowly, like a horror movie, the 20-something 7-year-olds pivot to face rin.

a little voice speaks up. "you're ms. teacher's boyfriend?"

in a normal scenario, rin would probably linger on the fact that you were addressed as 'ms. teacher' as if you had no other name. but with an ocean of inquisitive eyes, yours especially, he felt a little frozen. just as he was about to snap open his mouth to say something probably cruel and snippy, you jumped in.

rushing to the front of the crowd you wave your hands frantically, trying to maintain your cheery disposition while sweating through your clothes with anxiety. "no, no! he's- he's not my boyfriend! and don't bother him, please, he doesn't.. speak the language! he's from.. germany!"

it's a bad lie. horrible, even. and it would take a fool to fall for it- either a fool or a collection of unbelievably innocent children.

"oh!" one pipes up, "is that why he's so mean and doesn't talk?"

you furrow your brow. "we don't call people mean, remember."

and just like that, everything is back to normal. or, at least, however normal this situation could be. the students resume their artistry and continue scurrying like mice around the room to show off their creations or grab fresh sheets of paper.

you walk up to rin, and he hopes his ears have turned less red at this point as you sit on the desk in front of him. "see? not so bad."

he narrows his eyes. "are we in the same room right now? did you not just see that?'

you sigh dramatically and place your hands behind you as you slouch back. "maybe they're right. you are mean."

"okay?"

"you should be ashamed of yourself, y'know."

"you really do sound like a schoolteacher." at this you laugh and swat at his shoulder, eliciting a tiny could-be smile from rin. "never say that to me again."

and it seems like cutting rin off is a fun activity, because a little boy with messy brown hair skips up to the desk and basically shouts, "hello!"

the thing is, he's not talking to you- he's talking to rin. big, doe eyes are fixed on the striker expectantly, and he rolls back and forth on heels while clutching something in his hands behind his back.

rin blinks. "hi."

he sounds mean, he's sure, and definitely not german, but the kid doesn't seem to notice or care. "i think germ-in-ey is so neat! i made you this!"

the country is pronounced like he's speaking with rocks in his mouth but the boy's smile is bright and he holds a kind-of crumbled piece of watercolour paper in his hands.

it's still dripping and incredibly poorly done. what appears to be a house? or a building of some kind? is splattered onto a green line that might be grass. a blob that could be a body if you squinted hard enough is attached to a big oval with messy dark hair, angry eyebrows paired with neon blue eyes, and the biggest eyelashes the world has ever seen. they extended from all the way inside the eye to the sticks that rin supposes must be hands.

a random rectangle with doodles inside is in the top left corner. a little label reads 'german flag' in pencil.

rin blinks at the paper and looks dully at the kid. he feels your eyes staring into him, too, and he opens his mouth before closing it again, unsure of what to say.

"this looks bad," he speaks before he knows what's coming, eyes widening at his own words. a deep pit of guilt opens in his stomach as the boy retracts his hands with the paper. oh, my god, what did he just say?

he is unbelieveably lucky that you are still next to him at that moment, because you jump in to save the day yet again:

"haru! don't worry about him- he's german, remember? he doesn't know how to say what he means! bad in german actually just.. uh.. means really, really good!"

the boy instantly brightens up again, like a wilting flower back in bloom. "really? that's so cool! i didn't know they spoke german in germ-in-ey!"

you return his bright smile. "how crazy! what a small world!"

the little boy skips away, leaving his masterpiece in your hands, and rin lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"oh, wow," you say with a sparkle of amusement in your eyes, "i didn't know you were this horrid with kids."

a grumble of annoyance leaves him, but he's more embarrassed than anything at this point. "and i didn't know i was german."

you shrug. "it was the first thing that came to mind. it worked, didn't it?"

rin ignores your question. "i can't believe you let that kid go off thinking 'bad' means good. he's gonna go around telling everyone that."

"i.. did not consider this," you purse your lips, "it's his teacher's problem. i don't even work here, technically."

"so you're a random person who comes onto campus and spreads lies to children."

a smile splits your face. "at least i'm a nice liar."

"nice?"

"oh. ouch. okay, thanks rin."

and he exhales, and it's no longer just a half-smile, because you see it so clearly on his face- the way his lips turn up at your words as he speaks. "yeah. anytime."

it's then that itoshi rin has a moment of infinite clarity- he's fallen for you. he doesn't like that fact, nor does he understand the intricacies of this romance.

he likes you. that's all there is to it. rin doesn't see why there needs to be any more. it's not like he'll tell you and even though the feeling of repressed and realized emotions in his chest is something a little unbearable, he's dealt with worse. and he thinks he'd rather keep his mornings beautiful than run the risk of messing it all up.

so rin thinks he'll settle for being in your background, as he watches you hop off the desk and move to help the students as they finish their paintings and clean up.

they sing a stupid jingle about keeping things neat that makes you laugh in the way you do where your head tips back just a little, and rin swears it's his favourite sound in the world.

it's another hour and another class before you're finally done with your work. the second one was thankfully a lot less strenuous for rin- none of the students paid him much mind at all, save for the occasional curious glance every so often.

"bye ms. teacher!" the final student belted before leaving, slamming the door with a resounding thud. you wave cheerfully and take a deep breath as soon as the kid is out of sight. "and we're done! how was that, rin? you just got the full fake-teacher experience."

rin stands from his place behind your desk and stretches out his limbs, slightly sore from being in one place for so long. "as bad as i thought it'd be."

"you're always so negative."

"glad you noticed."

you roll your eyes and grab a spray bottle and washcloths off the highest shelves. "help me clean?"

wordlessly, he catches the rag you toss and the other bottle. the two of you work in silence for a few moments, wiping down the desks that the students had done their best at keeping neat. the only noises were the muffled sounds of the cafeteria during lunchtime outside and the ever-present squeaks your shoes made.

the lighting through the window lit the scene golden and turned all the colors and textures and works in your classroom even more beautiful. and not just them- rin thinks that you look breathtaking in the sunlight. a part of him suspects that it was invented just for you.

"what did you think?"

rin looks up at your voice. "hm?"

"what did you think? about this, i mean."

he looks at you for a moment. this is a new expression, the one you're wearing- at least, one he's never been able to observe unobstructed. you almost seem bashful, in the sunlight, refusing to meet his eyes.

"i think," he says, and he's so careful because he thinks he'd die of embarrassment if he misspoke and insulted you again, "that this makes sense."

"what?"

he frowns, not wanting to explain himself. "you loving this. it makes sense."

"i actually have no idea what you mean by that."

he scoffs, "whatever," but you keep pushing, curiously leaning over the table and placing your washcloth down.

"you can't just 'whatever' me. i'm curious now."

"you're irritating."

"i'm aware." you keep looking at him and it's no surprise to him when his conviction crumbles into dust and ash.

"you just seem like an art person." he tries and fails to get his point across. you raise a brow. "are you profiling me? what, do i seem like your starving artist trope?"

"no, no," he grumbles, "like, you're.."

and he's not sure.

rin has no idea how to follow up his words. because he thinks so many things of you- he thinks you're kind, in ways he will never be, and he thinks you're pretty enough to rival the sun, and he thinks you're flat out lovely- but he can't convey it all into one word.

"you're just you," he says. it's a simple statement, said with a conviction that doesn't match the quiet tone of his voice. he speaks softly, like he's afraid you might disappear if he was too loud.

blinking, you meet his gaze, and rin hopes you can see yourself how he sees you in the reflection. he hopes you see yourself like gold, and all the colours in the world, and as the essence of creativity- he hopes you know that he sees you as art, plain and simple.

but your expression is unreadable. he wonders if his is, too. and rin also wonders what you see when you look at him, because you're suddenly inhaling sharply and pivoting, busing yourself with straightening up jaws that don't really need to be fixed.

"well, rin," you say, and your voice is a pitch higher, "i didn't mean to keep you so long. i'm sorry you got held up here."

you're laughing, but it sounds strained, and rin wishes he could go up and smooth whatever's bothering you out from your skin, but that's creepy so he'd rather not.

"i didn't stay so long because you made me or anything. i wanted to."

"oh." you freeze for a split second before continuing to scrub a little too vigorously, "uh. thanks."

"i like your paintings," he blurts out. it's not fitting as a response, and he should've just said 'you're welcome' and moved on with his life, but he feels like he needs to say something, and relieve at least a fraction of the burden off his chest. he likes your paintings, and he likes you, but he can't say that quite yet.

"oh! i didn't take you as an art connoisseur."

"i'm not."

and he was telling the truth- rin knew virtually nothing about art. he remembers his own experiences with the subject, all limited to his pre-teen years in school, where he'd been forced to make whatever the teacher commanded.

his work had always been lopsided and a little fugly, but in the spirit of learning no one had ever said anything. it was always 'that's so good!' or 'you're so creative!' or 'nice cat!' when it was meant to be a tree.

"not even a little bit?" you hum as you lean onto your tiptoes, struggling to push a bottle of cleaning solution back into the space. rin moves to your side, placing it on for you. he misses how you go breathless at his actions.

"was never an art kid," he says simply.

you purse your lips in that stupid way he's noticed you do when something doesn't go right, and shake your head. "i don't buy it."

he raises an eyebrow. "what?"

"i don't believe that."

"you're just.. rejecting my statement?"

"yeah. everyone's an art kid."

rin considers your words before shaking his head. "no. you're just weird."

rolling your eyes, you're suddenly gone again to the front of the classroom, rifling through a set of overworked cabinets that seem to be bursting at the seams. you come back to the desk rin was standing by with a full arm of various supplies- he recognizes paper, canvas, pencils, gouache paints, and brushes.

"everyone's an art kid," you repeat, "you just never had anyone show you right."

"you sound fucking crazy."

"yeah, probably," you reply, motioning for him to sit down on the chair. he complies, and you hop up to take a seat on the desk again.

"and cheesy as hell. like a stupid nickelodeon character."

"that's a little far. be nicer to me! i'm about to give you free painting lessons."

"ones that i didn't ask for."

you sit back on your hands. "you could leave if you wanted."

rin is silent. you smile. "lessons it is."

‧̍̊ ˙ · 𓆝 . ° ｡ ˚ 𓆛 ˚ ｡ ° . 𓆞 · ˙ ‧̍̊

you might have been a little bit incorrect in your approach. rin is kind of a little bit hopeless with art.

"just a straight line," you're practically begging, "just one. you can do it."

rin proceeds to draw another very un-straight line to go with all the other ones on the piece of paper.

that was okay, though! maybe pencils just weren't for him. you could live with that. you'd brought out some paints just for this possibility, after all.

painting is difficult to mess up. you slap some colors on a canvas, call it modern art, and you're set- that was your philosophy. anyone could paint. anyone, you now think, except for itoshi rin.

"are you colourblind?" you say, and you're not trying to be mean, you're genuine, because he had just used the most horrendous choice of color palate he could have had.

"shut up," he scowls, covering his face with his hands. "you're a shit teacher."

you gawk at him. "how is this on me?"

"your stupid 'art kid' philosophy. plus, you've just been staring, not teaching."

you frown. okay, yeah, maybe you had been a little bit stare-y, but it's not really your fault. he just has one of those faces that would be criminal not to stare at. an idea pops up in your mind, and you hop off the desk.

rin turns his head to follow you as you move behind him. "what are you doing?"

"i'm teaching," you bite back playfully, leaning over his figure. you take a hold of his hand with the paintbrush, and you're both so close that you can hear his heartbeat speeding up inside of his chest. you wonder if he can feel yours do the same.

your hand ghosts his before you take a hold, grabbing it gently. his palms are warm and his whole body seems to radiate heat. the skin of his hand is rough and calloused.

"like this," you instruct, dragging the brush slowly across the canvas. it's already a smoother, straighter line than his previous ones. rin remains speechless, but he lets you take control of his movements. you direct him gently and he moves in return, like a slow dance on canvas.

after some time, a scene is playing out on the formerly blank space before the both of you. it's the classroom, complete with the yellowed lighting of the sun coming through the windows and the blocks of color to represent the various works hanging on the walls. it's a crude imitation of reality, but a piece of you and a piece of him, and you think that makes it beautiful.

"see?" you say, breaking the silence, "you did that."

you move to release your grip on rin's hand but he clasps his other one over it without thinking. you blink at him. he lets go, embarrassed.

"you did most of the work," he shrugs off, but it feels like he's just talking to himself, "i was just there."

"hm. you're right, but come on! give yourself some credit."

your attempt to lighten the heavy tension in the air falls onto deaf ears. "i should go," he mumbles, standing.

"oh."

"bye." his words lack the usual edge, and he seems more confused than upset. still, you wonder if you've overstepped and a pit forms in your stomach.

"bye," you say, but he's already out the door.

you try not to be too upset about it, but it's a little difficult. you've liked rin since before you even knew his name, and you were far too stubborn to let it go just yet.

you'd been almost 100% he felt the same, too. but again, your pride wouldn't allow you to make the first move. and his reaction to the closeness didn't bode well for your intentions.

a surge of disappointment consumes your chest and everything suddenly feels a lot heavier. your regular cable-knit feels itchy and too hot on your skin. you bite your tongue.

your friends have mocked you for your infatuation with this faceless 'itoshi rin.' they've encouraged you to move on from this crush that was seemingly going nowhere until almost a month ago, even going as far as to try and set you up with someone. maybe you should finally look into that offer,

you sigh to yourself and flop back onto the hard wood of the desk. oh well, you think, you'll see him tomorrow anyway.

the next week of early morning train rides is missing something.

rin notices it almost right away- how you sit a little farther from him, you you're just a little more skittish and quick to leave. it's a stab in the gut every single time, and he's not sure how he can mend the undeniable rift forming between the both of you.

he's not sure what happened. was it his leaving? had that upset you? why?

the invisible wound of unspoken words festered like mould as the morning conversations grew shorter and stiffer, and he felt helpless like he never had before.

and then, you bring something up that makes his heart plummet.

"this afternoon? i think i have a date, actually."

he shouldn't be mad. he shouldn't be upset. but doesn't he have the right? the person he likes, and ew, he hates admitting that, is going on a date with someone else.

"oh."

"mhm. my best friend's friend- she's been trying to get me to go out with him for ages."

"oh."

"tomorrow night, i think it is."

"hm."

"i hope it goes well."

"why?"

again, rin's mouth runs separately from his conscience. he wants to hit himself. you have no obligation to answer, because the both of you are just friends, maybe even less.

you blink, looking over at him. "i mean.. why not?"

the rest of the train ride continues in awkward silence until you get off. you give him a brief smile but you don't say goodbye, and rin watches your figure walk away until the train starts again and he can't anymore.

there is a very strange emotion, that rin is experiencing. he recognizes parts of it- that same bitter, green envy that curls around his lungs and squeezes til he can't breathe. he's familiar, but never in this context.

and then there's something darker that hurts his chest. it reminds him of growing pains, and of valentine's day, and of things he never thought he could have wanted. it reminds rin of you, and he is so, so distraught.

that afternoon, he waits for your text. usually, your messages are usual, like clockwork. you'd message him around 1 when you were on the train ride home, either to update him about your day or send him a game pigeon game.

he always indulged your messages, and he'd never let you see but you were one of the pinned contacts on his phone.

that day, however, your text never comes.

he's so pathetic for how he sits in the locker room at 2, alone, staring at his phone screen. he's sad for how he's taking a break from practicing at 3 just in case you message. he's stupid for how he spends the next few hours just waiting for a notification that he knows will probably never come.

it's 10 now, and rin has never felt more tired.

he's about to go to bed, having his night clothes lined up on his bed and brushing his teeth in the bathroom mirror. it was an average, regular day- there was nothing special nor abnormal, but everything just felt so wrong.

he wonders if you were on your date then, as he spits his toothpaste into the sink. he wonders what you wore- if you donned your white cable-knit or your squeaky paint-smudged shoes. he wonders if you carried the bag he got you, pins and all. he wonders if your date held open the door like he would have, or if he joked around with you like he did (kind of.)

rin wonders where you were. he wonders if you were okay.

and then, his phone rings.

your name lights up his screen and suddenly, he's not so exhausted. he answers a little too haistily on the 1st ring.

"hello?"

there's a short pause, but he can hear the way your breath comes in short huffs on the other side of the line. this was strange- the both of you had never called before.

"rin?" your voice is crackly in a way he could accredit to the poor reception wherever you were, but something in his heart wrenches and there's an undertone that is undeniably distress in your voice.

"yeah? what's up?" he's already bustling around his home, though, grateful he hasn't changed yet as he pulls out his shoes.

"are you doing anything?"

"no," he lies.

"i'm sorry then, 'cause i know it's late, but- um, yeah. i'm about to get on the train. like usual, just the night one. but, i don't want to bother you, so-"

"no. keep going."

another silence follows rin's words before you continue. "could you.. come here? i know it's dumb, askin' you to ride the train here just to come back with me but," and your voice cracks, "i don't really want to be alone right now."

rin exhales. he's already outside, walking briskly through the cold night air with his free hand stuffed in his jeans pockets as he makes his way to the train stop.

"i'm on my way."

‧̍̊ ˙ · 𓆝 . ° ｡ ˚ 𓆛 ˚ ｡ ° . 𓆞 · ˙ ‧̍̊

when rin gets on the night train, you're the only other passenger on board. you're huddled up in your usual seat with your knees drawn up to your chin and eyes misty with something dismal. you look at rin and he's heartbroken for you, because nothing should ever make you this upset.

but you offer him a weak grin and move to sit normally, patting his seat next to you. he notes that you are indeed carrying the same bag he got you.

the new distance isn't present when he takes his place beside you. in fact, he's so close tonight that he can almost feel your thigh brush his. he eyes you cautiously, unsure how to begin. thankfully, you answer his questions before he needs to ask.

"remember my date?" rin nods. how could he forget?

"it was kind of awful," you concede with a watery laugh. "he was all fine, at first- but i just wasn't interested. he asked for a second date, and i said no thanks- he just- he yelled at me. called me all sorts of things. i dunno."

his heart tightens in his chest as you keep going. "it's not a big deal but i didn't really- i'm not sure. i'm not sure."

he doesn't think too much about his next actions, as his hand curls around your shoulder. you're all too complacent, letting yourself be pulled into the warm fabric of his crewneck. he hopes you can hear his heartbeat pick up its pace. he hopes yours does the same.

rin allows you to bury yourself in his warmth, to acquaint yourself for a few moments before he starts talking. "last week i went to the grocery store and i saw this lady with her cats," he said.

you glance up at him quizically but his arm holds fast, keeping you there as he continues: "she was old. probably too old to be toting around all those groceries.

"i would've offered to help but then i took another look- she was ripped."

a muffled laugh escapes you. "for real?"

"yeah. i mean it."

"a ripped old lady with cats, huh? what was she getting?"

"blueberries."

he thinks he feels your smile against the fabric of his clothes. "blueberries. that's nice."

"and just a few days ago, i think, i was on my run and i passed by this apartment, right?"

"mhm."

"and i hear yelling. so i stop."

"yeah?"

"on the balcony of the apartment, there was this woman and some guy. they were in their 20s, i think. and she was screaming at him."

"oh? what about?"

your voice is thickening again, but this time with exhaustion. the occurrences of your day were finally weighing on you, rin presumes. he keeps talking.

"something about him being unfaithful. then she threw his gaming console off the balcony."

"oh," you say, with a slight yawn, "that sounds so funny. i wish i was there."

"me too."

rin really should break this habit he's beginning to form. it definitely isn't a great idea to share all his innermost thoughts with you always- but lucky for him, you seem too tired to notice the accidental compliment.

"good for her," you mumble.

"good for her," he repeats.

you tilt prop your chin up on him to meet his gaze. your eyes are heavy with exhaustion and bags are formed beneath your eyes, and your hair is frazzled and messy but rin thinks this might be the prettiest he's ever seen you.

you're dead on your feet, but you're still looking at him. you're feeling so many things and you're still you. his hand absentmindedly flutters accross the back of your head to flatten your hair as you begin to speak.

"you're so nice." is all you say. rin looks at you, incredulous.

"you are," you insist, breaking away from him for a moment with your hand pushing yourself off of his chest. "you wanted to help that old woman. you heard yelling and stopped in case someone needed help. you're here at 10pm after i messed everything up."

rin blinks.

you've always been the kind of person to make him think. you made him reconsider his own future, his capacity for love, his interest in romance- you made him think about it all. but there was one thing that was a constant, that he didn't think even you could make him reconsider- the fact that he wasn't a good person.

it's then that it dawns upon itoshi rin- he doesn't see himself as worth loving. his life's purpose was success, and without it, was he even worth caring about? and on top of all that, he was cruel.

he cared about no one. he was blunt, and he was unfriendly, and when he was in school people walked away. the neighborhood kids all hid from him, and his teammates never bothered to even try and introduce him to new faces anymore.

itoshi rin was mean and cruel, a fact that he had decided for himself and then been enforced by the people around him. itoshi rin was not worth anything without a gold medal to demonstrate his value. itoshi rin was not worth caring about, because he'd just hurt you. itoshi rin didn't think himself even capable of wanting anything but to win.

and itoshi rin was proven wrong the day he met you.

because he'd fallen for you, with your shoddy footwear and worn-out zip-up that could hardly be considered white anymore. he'd fallen for you and the way you always had something to say, and he'd fallen for you, who could see the art in anything- even hideous artwork made by unskilled 7-year-olds, even teenage boys who couldn't find it in themselves to admit that they loved you.

you must've changed him, he thinks, or at least brought out a part of him that he'd long since forgotten had existed. because now, on this train at 10 pm with you still staring at him with intent, tired eyes- he thinks he sees it, too, in a way that he thinks you might've been trying to get him to see from perhaps the very beginning.

he sees himself, itoshi rin, as artwork. and he sees you- the artist.

it's beautiful, how the world explodes into colour at that moment. the night sky outside the train window has never been quite so beautiful, and he thinks he can see all the stars in the world even though he's not even looking at them. his eyes are trained on yours, and there's nothing left to do, say, or realize, so he just pulls you back into himself and keeps talking.

"and then two days ago, i think, i was at practice. and my teammate opens his locker, and a squirrel falls out. nanase- that's his name- was terrified."

it's almost comical, how the roles have reversed. usually, you were the storyteller, and he was the patient listener. he doesn't remember the last time he spoke to someone in such a one-sided fashion for so long, but he doesn't really care anymore.

"apparently it was bachira. no one was really surprised."

he looks down at you, and you're finally asleep. your breathing is even, and he can only partially see your face. your cheeks are patchy from previous tears, but the way your features are relaxed amends for the hurt. his hand holds your head close, still, fingers absently massaging your scalp.

the silence carries on for a few beats. he watches your inhales and exhales when you do. when he finally talks, he's even quieter.

"i missed talking to you," he finally admits. it's almost as if he's admitting this to himself rather than you, with the way he leaves the words to hang in the air.

"so much," he adds, "it was fucking gross."

he continues to speak. perhaps this was his confession- he'd tell you his truths, the fact that he liked you, and the fact that he'd never be able to say it to your face. he doesn't see the harm, not on the empty night train with just him to hear.

"when we were all.. distant. i hated that. i had so much to say to you. i guess i always have. because," he lets an aggravated sigh, "i just didn't know.

"you're rubbing off on me, i guess. you and your stupid.. i dunno. just you. you make me so weird inside."

he pauses like he's waiting for you to say something, even though he knows you can't even register his words. he frowns and rewinds:

"that day. a week and a day ago. i left.

"you were so close to my face, so close to me- i dunno. i guess- i guess i just panicked. because i shouldn't like you. you're so.. you. and i'm nowhere near that. so i left.

"i wanted to kiss you. i want to all the time, it's fucking awful. when you told me about your date today? i hated every second of that. i just wanted to tell you but i couldn't. i don't know why, though.

"i still can't tell you. don't know if i will. but it's out there, now. i like you," rin laments, the last words foreign and unwelcome on his tongue.

"i like you. i like you a lot."

rin thinks his words should be followed by silence. he thinks that they'll hang and vanish in the air like his breathe, and he thinks it'll be gone forever, just like that. he thinks the next morning, he'll find a new morning routine and delete your contact.

but your breath hitches, and your body stiffens ever so slightly against rin's as his confession exits his lips. rin freezes, his hand falling dormant in the air behind your head.

you rise from his chest, and an empty cavity of dread is left in your place. the quiet is so poignant that you could hear a hairpin drop. he stares at you. you stare at him.

"rin," you start slowly, voice rough around the edges with sleep.

(the train rumbles distantly in the background. faintly, rin wonders when his stop would be.)

"you like me?"

he is silent. you blink once. then twice. and then you move. from your place next to him, you take his hand in both of yours and shift it to your lap.

"you like me."

it's not so much of a question now as it is an answer. your skin is cold against his, and it reminds him of the afternoon spent in your classroom where he learned of his limits for the first time.

"and you said you want to kiss me all the time," you continue, and rin thinks he'd be utterly humiliated if he wasn't so frozen.

"so why don't you?"

your question is one that lingers, hanging in the air like a heavy mist or smoke, and his lungs feel like they're being weighed down by the steeled sky.

you're right for asking, because why didn't he? why had he run, that day in your classroom? why had he let you grow so distant from him in the week that followed?

rin has always been one for pushing his limits. even when his body was broken over his sport, but he kept going because that was what was right to do. it was his purpose, and he didn't matter much outside of that.

but things were different now that he'd met you. rin decides that he just might be worth something more than a victory, because you look at him with a reverence, an affection, that tells him that he's maybe more than that.

you hold his hand in yours like it's glass, and your expression is soft with a curious lilt, and his hand is on your side and traveling to your back, and his other one is in your hair, and his lips are pressed on yours like he needs you, because fuck it, rin decides, he's never cared much for limitations anyway.

you kiss him back before long. it's messy and crude, and all teeth and bumping noses, and a long time in the making. you pull away before he does and he chases your lips like a starved man. but you duck your face into the crook of his neck, body as close as you could manage on the uncomfortable train seat. he feels you laugh into his neck, and he can't help the smile that spreads on his face.

"fucking finally," he says quietly, more to himself than you.

"finally," you agree, as the train slows to a stop. you glance up to check the destination- oh. it's your stop- your apartment block was only a short walk from here.

"this is where i am," you say, trying to find it in yourself to stand up. rin beats you to it, emerging from his seat and pulling you with him.

"i'm walking you home." he's no longer holding your hand, but his pinky finger is interlaced with yours, and he gives a surprisingly firm tug as he ushers you to the exit. "let's go."

you skitter along right behind him as the cold air rushes against his face, planting rosy, frosty kisses against his skin. you swing your joined arms with a wicked grin like you know it'll annoy him but he's not about to tell you to stop.

and if rin thought you were the prettiest in your classroom, or prettiest on the train, he was sorely mistaken because you're nothing short of gorgeous now, in the night air holding his hand, with a big, dopey grin on your face and his name on your lips.

he thinks he'd like to kiss you again, so he stops in his tracks on the sidewalk. you lurch to a halt, and call his name questioningly. he kisses you again because he can now, and you kiss him back, and he can do this again, and again, and again, because what's stopping him now?

the weeks following the emergence of your newly formed relationship are nothing short of blissful.

neither of you discussed your relationship status- it was just implied that he was your boyfriend now, because rin is almost sure he'd implode if he had to consider his feelings any longer.

your routines had both amended themselves around each other. every day, you'd meet on the morning train. he'd come to your classroom and sit through your lessons with you, and the both of you would go to either your apartment, his house, or whatever other destination was on one of your to-do lists. he'd go off for practice in the afternoons, but he never missed you too much.

he knew your texts would be waiting to be answered, without fail, and he knew you'd always be waiting for his call. and it felt nice to have someone- someone who cared for him, someone to call his own, someone who waited for him, someone he'd won.

rin thinks that he'd follow you to the ends of the earth if you asked, and especially if you didn't. he sees it as mature and responsible- someone has to keep you in check. you just call him clingy.

this is how he finds himself at a farmer's market. it's bustling, and nostalgic, and crowded, and probably not his scene. but you're there, so he'll make it work.

"oh, there's so many things. uh, let's see," you fumble with your phone, pulling up your list from your phone, "naomi can't have peanuts. asami is allergic to.. strawberries? how sad. and hiroshi will probably start crying if he sees cucumber. god, kids get weirder and weirder by the day."

you've been roped into helping host the graduation party for this year's oldest elementary students, most of which you knew by name. you'd been stuck with the food prep which rin didn't really understand assigning to you, since it's presumably the hardest task and you're not even a real employee.

"what's left, then?"

"uh.. i think we can make blueberry pie or something. and if they don't like it, it's not my fault because i tried."

"i'm not helping."

"no, no. you are. you don't have a choice in this."

he scoffs, and is about to reply, when-

"ms. teacher! hi, hi! hi!"

a little tiny pair of legs attached to a blur of brown hair as a small boy hurtles into your legs, capturing you into a hug the best he can. you let out a huff as the wind is knocked out of you.

looking down, rin recognizes the same kid- the same one who had made the watercolour painting of him and was surprised that they spoke german in 'germ-in-ey'.

"haru? hi yourself! what're you doing here?"

you almost instantly kneel down to meet his eyes and haru immediately giggles and taps the side of your head. "bonk, bonk!"

you laugh. "that isn't an answer, buddy."

the boy rocks back and forth on the heels of his feet with his hands fidgeting with each other in front of him, and rin is both enamoured by your endless warmth and feeling very out of place, standing awkwardly behind you like a scared child.

"my mama runs a fruit shore. yum, fruit! 'nd, i get to ex-spore! 'cause they're all busy with the fruit shore!"

"really? how cool!"

"yeah, yeah! 'nd, why are you here ms. teacher?"

you pretend to be in deep contemplation, tapping your finger on your chin. "well, if i tell you, you've got to keep it a secret, 'kay?"

"pinky swear! swear it!"

"it's for a surprise party."

haru looks like you just told him nuclear secrets. "oh my gosh!"

he squirms where he stands, running around in circles. "a sur-pies party! a sur-pies party!"

and then he stills, looking at you with the utmost serious expression that cracks a grin onto even rin's face. "i swear i won't tell anyone about your sur-pies party."

"thank you very much, haru. i appreciate it," you reply, with equal seriousness.

and then, haru's eyes wander over to rin.

"mr. germ-in-ey!"

rin cringes. he wasn't mentally prepared for this, not today. "hi."

haru seems to have forgotten that people from germany tend to speak german, because he converses with rin like there's no implicit barrier there. "hey, hi! i didn't know you went outside the school!"

rin's brows furrow and you stand, laughing. "what?"

"you're always in ms. teacher's classroom. in the back, all sad."

he frowns. "i'm not sad."

haru surveys him, and he feels a little ridiculous getting once-overed by a 7-year-old. "no," haru agrees, "not anymore!"

at this, you chime in. "oh? what changed?"

rin glares at you over his shoulder and you return with a bemused expression. haru mimics your previous posture, with his hands on his chin like he's stroking a beard.

"you guys are in love!"

you freeze, shooting up straight with wide eyes. rin stares at the kid.

"come again, haru?" you manage to choke out, perhaps hoping that you heard him wrong.

"you guys are in L-O-E-V-E!" haru sings the words out, spelling it wrong but still reinforcing his previous statement.

rin is flabbergasted, and you choke on your saliva. bystanders are beginning to look at the scene unfolding, and you attempt to straighten yourself out while rin takes a step away.

"uh, haru," you say, letting out a breath and an awkward laugh, "why don't you go find your mom? tell her i say hi."

haru hums before nodding like he'd entirely forgotten the previous conversation. he scuttles away with the speed of a scared cat. rin directs his gaze to you and shoots you a look.

"your students are so fucking strange."

you sigh, "yeah. yeah, they are."

he pauses. and lets out the heaviest, most resigned sigh he thinks he's ever managed before. "but they're not wrong."

you look at him blankly, before you process his words. and then you're positively beaming as rin makes a face.

"ugh, gross. forget i said that. that was vile."

"awh, rin!" you say, disregarding his statement, "you're so cute! so, so cute!"

you close the distance between him and you, and he ducks his face away but makes no real effort to move. "i hate you so much."

"i don't think so," you hum, getting infinitely closer to his face. he's sure you can feel the heat radiating off him at your proximity, as you continue: "i think that you are obsessed with me."

your lips are ghosting the corner of his mouth and he doesn't realize he was holding his breath until you pull away, eyes suddenly wide with realization.

"oh my god," you say, all the teasing removed from your voice and instead replaced with a daunting sobriety, "haru is going to tell the entire class. the entire school."

rin blinks. "okay? and?"

"no, you don't get it!" you grab his arm, a genuine terror that is almost comical shining in them. "i'm going to be trampled."

your boyfriend shrugs. "i don't see how that's my issue."

"you idiot. you come with me every day."

"so?"

"you're never going to know peace again."

rin finally gets it, and he frowns deeper than he thinks he ever has. "i'm breaking up with you, then. no way am i dealing with that."

you roll your eyes and sigh, and rin laughs- it's quiet and short but real and genuine, and he sees the love brimming in your eyes as you follow his movements.

"god, i love you."

your words catch him off guard. but he takes your hand as a response. rin doesn't think he can say it back, not right now- but you know he does, and this time, so does he.

because rin loves you, and you love him, simple as that. there are no limits, there are no rules- just brushstrokes on a canvas, just an artist and a muse.

in that moment, in the middle of the bustling farmer's market, you and rin are all alone, and he thinks to himself: he would spend forever counting the passengers on a train if it meant he would meet you.

he'd spend years if he had to, waiting for his girl, the one with a white worn-out zip-up and shoes that were on their last few wears, and a denim bag smeared with paint and decorated with pins, and a smile to rival the sun.

he'd give it all to meet you again, and he'd give even more if you asked. in truth, there's nothing he wouldn't do to fall in love with you all over again- but he doesn't need to imagine, because you make it happen every day.

because truly, it may have started in just a few mornings, but it would always end with you.

(3 weeks later, mrs. sato appears on the morning train again.

you and rin are seated in conversation, bodies turned towards each other as he listens to your words. you're both interrupted when the train doors shut and a voice calls your name.

"ah, what have i missed! do my eyes deceive me, or is there a lovely new couple in my presence?"

you grin at her arrival. "oh my gosh, mrs. sato?"

the older woman hobbles over to sit down in front of you. "you have so much to tell me," she states, wrinkled smile gleaming with childlike joy.

rin frowns. why is it such a common trend to make him the 3rd wheel in his own relationship?

rin listens in as you narrate the course of your relationship, thankfully skipping out some more personal pieces, with a pink face and blood warming the tips of his ears.

and in turn, you learn that in mrs. sato's absence, she'd been partying all over the bahamas on a cruise, making a few crude and suggestive jokes about ship crew boys. "ah, but i can't say that anymore, can i? not with your boyfriend here. girl talk."

rin crosses his arms over his chest, looking and feeling a bit ridiculous with your bag on his laugh. mrs. sato cackles. he thinks she reminds him of a witch, just a little.

"ah, well, i hope you didn't miss me too much, dear. i'm off again- to jamaica this time!" mrs. sato exclaims and you smile supportively even though rin can tell you're more amused than anything.

"when do you leave?"

"tonight," she laughs, "i'm going to the airport right now."

when mrs. sato leaves and bids you and rin farewell with a hug and wink respectively. rin looks at you questioningly. "i can't believe you speak to her."

you grimace. "she's terrifying. i think if i wasn't friendly she'd hunt me down."

"probably. wouldn't be hard."

"i should send you to jamaica with her."

"i'd take some cruise boys over you any day."

"i'd pick them over you, too"

rin smiles. his hand taps a rhythm onto your knee. "so what're we doing today?"

"after school, i think it's finally time i buy new shoes. it's been long enough."

he frowns. "i like your shoes."

"they're like, a million years old. there's a hole in the sole."

"oh."

"you can pick them, since you clearly seem to think your fashion sense is better than mine."

"it is, actually."

"you're horrible, y'know that?"

"yep."

the train stops, and you stand before he does. you extend your hand for him to take.

he takes it without hesitation.)

##: if you read this long, hey! writing this actually made me insane i'm not gonna lie! but it's finally out, and genuinely would mean the world if u left a like, reblog, or comment :,) feedback keeps me motivated!

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chokiipng · 3 years ago

Text

operation: mistletoe

pairing - xiao x gender neutral reader [MODERN AU!]

word count - 13 450

genre - fluff, crack

format - fic

warnings - reader and xiao share a bed (no sexual implications whatsoever), [hu tao, yanfei, ganyu, and xiao are all siblings with zhongli as their father], food, possibly ooc xiao, xiao changes clothes in the same room as reader (who isn't looking)

summary - after years spent pining over his childhood best friend, xiao's two little sisters have stepped in to help him profess his love during their annual holiday dinner party in a four phase mission titled operation: mistletoe

a/n - happy holidays!!! @amatxs i'm your secret santa! <3 this is my gift to you for @/favoniuscodex's secret santa event! i hope you like your gift (even though it's much longer than i anticipated aaaaa)! i adore childhood friends to lovers AND there's only one bed (REAL) and the combination of xiao + liyue family dynamics was just MMMM immaculate hehehe, i had so much fun writing this! :D <3

for all the mess that his mind was in, xiao was sure of only two things:

his hands have never felt more clammy and sweaty, not even the silky fabric of his obsidian dress pants could wipe away the nervous condensation that had congregated on his palms.

you're just as gorgeous as the last time he saw you.

granted, he had only just seen you yesterday while helping you unload the copious amounts of luggage you'd hauled home from your college campus into your hotel. additionally, you'd been wearing and old t shirt and a pair of unassuming sweats—which in comparison to the beautiful evening clothes you adorned now, really couldn't hold a candle to it. but there's definitive part of him that knows his heart threatens to leap out of his chest any time he sees you no matter what you're wearing.

"well? you just gonna let me freeze out here?"

if only he was like one of those suave characters in those dramas hu tao was always watching—he would've pulled you close and whispered something so alluring that would have had you weak in the knees and full of stuttering replies. unfortunately for him, you had to do nothing but stand there and he'd be weak in the knees and a stuttering mess.

"right, please come in."

the door clicked against the lock beneath his fingertips and once more he was left to bask in the comfortable silence between the two of you as you shed off your evening coat. he's always appreciated how you managed to fill the silent voids he'd create with either your swan-like voice or understanding silence.

sometimes, there was no need to say anything. but just this once, he really wished that his mind could let him say the words he's always wanted to say.

"wow, nothing's changed, huh?" you mused as your eyes roamed over the familiar setting of the adepti household.

though he's never given much thought to it, xiao couldn't help but agree: the dent where you'd headbutted into the wall while playing tag with him at the age of nine near the shining, black piano in the living room was still on full display. the noticeable yet unnoticeable chip in the the wood of the living room love seat where xiao had accidentally swung his dad's gold club while trying to play a round of indoor golf with you when you both were twelve was still there and unflattering as ever. the porcelain cups you'd made each other in high school pottery class still sat carefully placed in a glass cabinet.

not much had changed since you'd been away.

"i guess. papa still gives me the side-eye whenever he sees the couch dent though." he snorted and masked his frazzled blush with a nostalgic smile, hands stuffed full in his dress pants pockets.

"aw, i'm sure uncle zhongli isn't still upset with you about that," you giggled and bumped his shoulder with your own, "after all, you were crying loads and begging him not to separate us."

his ears hissed a bright red as he huffed in embarrassment and turned his chin away to fixate on the soft snowfall from beyond the front windows.

"why is it that you always remember the most embarrassing things about me?"

your finger tapped against your chin for a moment, lips stretched into a playful smile accompanied by a thoughtful hum before you replied: "well, it's not just the embarrassing things. but what's embarrassing to you is often very sweet to me. besides, as your best friend i'm obligated to hold onto all the embarrassing moments so you don't forget 'em."

sweet, sweet, sweet—the word swam laps around the crevices of his mind. did you think he was sweet? what does sweet even mean in this context? do you mean sweet as in sweet like "cute"? but what would "cute" connotate in your words?

"xiao? hey, you alright?" the familiar side of your palm came into view and waved up and down in front of his face.

"y-yeah, i'm fine," he brushed off the thoughts from his mind and coughed into his clenched fist to mask the crack in his voice, "papa's in the kitchen if you wanna go greet him, i'll be there in a minute."

your hand glided up his shoulder blade and rested snugly on his shoulder; the single, reassuring squeeze of your hand sent electric shocks all throughout his body and reignited the erratic thumping of his heartbeat.

"alright," you started, eyes bathed in mirth with just a sparkle of concern and worry, which you followed with that sweet, sugar-coated laugh of yours that blessed his ears, "but you better hurry up before i eat all the gingerbread cookies."

his golden eyes, hazed over with a sense of longing, watched as you disappeared around the corner in the direction of the kitchen. once alone, he allowed the blush he'd been suppressing to engulf his burning face, which he opted to bury deep into the sweaty softness of his clammy palms. the pearly white dress shirt practically stuck to his skin with how much his nerves rattled inside his body just beneath the thin skin of his arms.

"yeesh, that was kinda pitiful."

xiao's head whipped up in alarm and from the top of the stairs sat his two little sisters: yanfei, who in all her golden-pantsuit-glory sat beside hu tao, whose pretty red dress floofed around her shins, seated on the stairs.

"hey hey, you were doing that overthinking thing again weren't you?" hu tao jeered, hopped up from the mahogany stairs and leaned her bottom on the smooth railing to slide down. she landed gracefully, tulle of her dress puffing around her while yanfei chose the safer option of trotting down the stairs.

"i wasn't." he muttered and fiddled with the fabric of his black tie, avoiding the knowing gazes of his sisters.

if being the brother of two little sisters and one older sister had taught him anything, it's that sisters (at least his) are awfully perceptive.

"ha! that's a hoot—your jaw totally dropped when you opened the door for them. not to mention you completely froze up just now, what the heck was that?! what happened to all the romance training yanfei and i put you through?"

the "training" in question was beyond embarrassing—should you ever find out one day, xiao would be sure to purchase a cottage in a faraway country and change his name and appearance—and involved hu tao pointing to a whiteboard of popular articles from romance magazines and yanfei correcting him on being a true gentleman via the usage of romantic anime scenes (though kamisama kiss looks like a good show, he doesn't think he can ever watch it without the connotations of his "training").

"look, the night is still young AND we're all ready to go. operation mistletoe can still work out!" yanfei reassured, confidence oozing from her prideful smile.

"operation...mistletoe? what are the two of you talking about?"

yanfei and hu tao shared a single, knowing glance before yanfei pulled out a folded piece of paper from her pocket and unfurled it before xiao's eyes.

the top of the paper was titled "operation mistletoe" in bold, red pencil crayon and outlined in a shimmering gold. beneath it was an abhorrently drawn picture of what looked like him (he could only guess based off of the familiar forest green shade of his hair complete with the highlights he'd gotten recently) holding hands with a figure that looked similar to you with hearts drawn in the empty space in between.

"this is our four-step bonafide plan to finally get you to confess to (y/n)!" hu tao cheered.

"we've been working on this for ages. we know how much you care about (y/n) and honestly it's getting kinda frustrating seeing you not confess when they obviously care about you too." yanfei chided, ignoring the look of intrigue on xiao's face at the mention of your name and his feelings.

"you think...you think they feel the sam-?"

"aaaaaand that's not all!" hu tao interjected, wide, cheeky grin on her face, "we even came up with cool code names! yanfei will be "agent snowbell", because that's a super awesome name. i'll be "agent jingles", because that's an even MORE awesomer name- ah ah ah! don't tell me awesomer isn't a word," xiao quickly shut his mouth and let his sister prattle on, "papa and yuyu can't be agents since they don't know about the operation so they don't get cool names, and (y/n) will be the target."

"hey, genius," yanfei snorted and elbowed her sister, "you forgot xiao's name."

"oh right!" hu tao clapped her hands, cheeky smile soon turning downright malicious. "you will be known as agent grinch!"

"...why am i the grinch? never mind that, this is ridiculous. as thoughtful as this idea is, the two of you are not to interfere." he scoffed and folded his arms across his chest, eyes pointed and warning much like a parent.

"one: you're the grinch because i said so, but it was largely because i blanked out on holiday characters. two: c'mon xiaoooooo, let us help! i promise we can be helpful, just let me and yanfei work our magic!" hu tao pleaded, grabbing onto his clammy hand and squeezing it with all her might.

"no offense, but you're kinda terrible at communicating how you feel about (y/n). just let us help! we ARE the romance experts after all." yanfei puffed her chest out with pride etched in her irises.

the more xiao thought about it, the more he found himself agreeing: nearly twenty years of being graced with your presence from birth to adulthood, and he still hadn't been able to summon up the courage to let you know just how much you mean to him. it was ridiculously frustrating: to know that you were just within the reach of his fingertips, close enough to see and bask in your rays yet too far to embrace wholly and love in full.

maybe he'd regret indulging in his high school sophomore-aged sisters who probably only based their knowledge of romance off of media, perhaps he wouldn't. but his mind was clouded by the drum of his heart, and maybe his little sisters were right: a little nudge was all he needed.

"...fine, but don't be weird about it." he mumbled.

a sense of unease brewed in his stomach as he watched his sisters cheer and jump around with wickedly wide grins on their faces. gods know that if he ended up embarrassing himself, he'd never be able to live it down let alone in front of you. suddenly, a wave of regret washed over him at the thought of hu tao's notorious pranks.

but it seemed far too late to turn back as his two sisters grabbed him by the hand and dragged him into the kitchen.

"operation mistletoe..."

"...is now underway!"

xiao could only hope that should things fall apart, he'd be able to salvage what he can.

continued utc!

phase one: gingerbread cookie decorating

agent grinch will approach target and request to decorate gingerbread cookies with them. from there, agent grinch will lead them into warm conversation while slightly hinting at his feelings. agents jingles and snowbell will have the job of ensuring that agent grinch and the target are left alone in the kitchen at all times to ensure the maximum romantic atmosphere.

xiao has never felt more ridiculous:

a frilly, baby blue apron that belonged to ganyu wrapped itself tight around his dress shirt and pressed against his tie. hu tao had wanted to tie a ribbon in his hair to match the look, but resigned after some convincing from yanfei (and a promise of half of tonight's dessert).

"this outfit is ridiculous. i look ridiculous." he scowled, thumbing at the cottony checkered material.

"nawww trust us! people love a man who knows his way around the house...or at least looks like he does," hu tao muttered the last bit under her breath, but xiao's ears were much too keen for them to slip by unnoticed, "besides, if you get your shirt messy that'll ruin the rest of the operation!"

begrudgingly, xiao resigned and let yanfei gently push him towards the kitchen doors.

"remember, you're gonna ask them to decorate cookies. make sure you ask them about their time at college, and then bring the conversation back around to the time you spent together as kids. if you panic, just compliment their eyes and clothes. got it?" xiao opened his mouth to respond, but was never given the chance as yanfei chirped out a "great!" and pushed him through the flapping kitchen doors.

he stumbled in on shaking legs and whipped his head up to see you and his father carrying on a pleasant conversation while preparing the food in the oven. the clatter from the wooden doors broke the comfortable atmosphere and two pairs of eyes trained themselves on xiao in all his blue-frilly-aproned glory.

"xiao?! dearest, are you alright?" zhongli quickly slid off his over mitts and hurried towards the fallen xiao, who scrambled to pick himself up from the pearly white kitchen tiles.

"y-yeah...i'm good. thanks, papa." he muttered and brushed the invisible dust off from ganyu's apron.

"xiao! you're just in time! uncle zhongli said the gingerbread cookies are ready to decorate, i was about to call you!"

xiao hadn't even noticed that you'd hurried to his side and your hand was now comfortably resting on his forearm. the skin beneath it seemed to blossom a striking rose red, visible and glowing beneath the sheer white of his shirt.

"hey, seems you already came prepared! this apron looks so pretty on you...-ah! isn't this ganyu's?" you hummed and eyed the fabric pinched between your forefinger and thumb.

'too close, too close!' the alarms blared firey red in xiao's head and seeped towards his cheeks and span of his neck.

"are you alright? your face is all red..." the cool breeze of your knuckles gently washed against his scorching forehead and ruffled the unruly strands of hair near his face.

he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded vigorously, dismissing your hand as he rounded the kitchen counter in search of anything to distract himself. you followed suit and—much to his surprise—pulled out a cooled tray of gingerbread cookies, complete with icing bags of various colors and little, ceramic bowls of sweets of all kinds: from chocolate chips, to gummy buttons.

"i know how much you like decorating the cookies, so i asked uncle zhongli in advance to prepare this for us! what do you think?"

xiao's eyes roamed over the array of sweets and decorations you had set up, and all with him in mind no less. hu tao and yanfei's plan was already off to a smooth start, and you had unknowingly made it ten times easier for him.

just as he was about to thank you, the kitchen doors flew open to reveal an overly nonchalant yanfei and hu tao, whose curious and eager eyes didn't fail to notice the closed distance between their brother and you.

"papa! feifei and i were wondering if you could help us put some more decorations up in the living room?" hu tao looked up with what xiao could only describe as her "puppy dog" eyes.

zhongli tsked and used his large palms to smooth out hu tao's frazzled, chocolately locks with one hand, and fixed yanfei's golden necklace with the other.

"have you forgotten we have a guest?" he gently chided, and looked over towards where xiao stood side-by-side with you.

"you little gremlins!" you giggled and opened your arms wide, "how dare you not give me a hug!"

something that xiao loved most about you was your ability to move with the ebb and flow of his family. it was in your willingness to come over and help his father out with dinner when both he and ganyu were away at work or school, or when yanfei and hu tao managed to get themselves into some convoluted shenanigan that you made haste to unravel. his little sisters running into your arms with gleeful smiles and giggles full of mirth was such a familiar sight, but it was one he'd never grow tired of, not even for a second.

"we'd never forget! we were just saving it for later." yanfei beamed in your arms.

"alright, girls. which decorations would you both like to put up?" zhongli resigned to his daughters with a defeated smile and rolled up his sleeves. "excuse us just a moment, (y/n). xiao will keep you company."

hu tao and yanfei gave you one last hug (and one last gleaming glance of encouragement towards xiao) and bolted off to drag their papa with a hand in either of his to disappear out of the kitchen, not before hu tao threw xiao a thumbs up and yanfei mouthed a "good luck" in his direction. rambunctious, was the word xiao would describe them as.

"well, shall we?" you gently nudged his shoulder and placed a blank cookie in front of him.

"wait-" he urged, eyes flickering to the rack of aprons nearby.

his hands tugged down his familiar forest-green apron and with stuttering hands did he carefully loop the fabric around your neck, "your clothes will get dirty if you don't wear an apron."

"ahh so i suppose that's why you opted for ganyu's apron then? blue does look pretty good on you." xiao scoffed and fumbled to tie the apron string into a proper bow behind your back.

"don't start." he grumbled, and turned to face the counter again.

an empty void of a gingerbread person stared back up at him, awaiting the use of what was left of his creativity and composition to craft the finest of gingerbread people. his hands felt uncomfortably empty and so they reached for the nearest item: an icing bag of a horrid shade of red he wasn't quite fond of. looking to his side revealed that you were already getting started on your cookie, tongue poked to the outside of your mouth deep in concentration. it'd always been a habit of yours, but xiao would never point it out on the account that you look unbelievably adorable (and it makes his heart beat ten times faster than it shoulder).

xiao suddenly remembered the advice of his little sisters, and began to sort through the filing cabinets of information in his head while his shaky hands fumbled to pipe a red outline along the cookie.

"make sure you ask them about their time at college, and then bring the conversation back around to the time you spent together as kids. if you panic, just compliment their eyes and clothes."

"so...what's c-campus like-" he managed to stutter out, unconsciously reaching for the bowl of gummy buttons.

suddenly, his fingers brushed against a foreign texture that was definitely not gummy buttons. his eyes flickered upwards where your fingers gently brushed against his in the gummy bowl. electricity shot up his veins and rendered his mind completely useless as you gently bumped his fingers with your own and quietly hummed an "excuse me". you fingers lingered for a moment before you retracted your hand and stuck the buttons onto your gingerbread person. xiao could swear on all the stars above that one day you'd make his heart explode. his eyes, wide and full of an indescribable emotion, whipped up to you whose attention was still enraptured by the slightly dressed gingerbread person beneath you.

"campus, hm? well, it's alright i suppose. i miss uncle zhongli's dinners though. but there's this cool restaurant that has-"

as much as xiao adored hearing all about you, the tingles at the ends of his fingertips defied any and all means of comprehension. his mind was a fuzzy mess, yearning to once more bump his fingers against yours...or even stroke the apples of your cheeks, or run his thumb over the bottom of your lip-

no! no, he was getting too off track!

"if you panic, just compliment their eyes and clothes."

"panic" could definitely describe how he was feeling.

'breathe in, breathe out. remember what yanfei said: compliment their eyes and clothes if you panic.' he chanted like a mantra in his head, and turned his golden eyes towards you who was still rambling on about the amenities of campus.

"i-i like the f-fabric of y-your e-eyes!"

though xiao was aiming to mimic one of the sweet gentlemen he'd seen in one of hu tao and yanfei's romance training classes, his "compliment" came out frazzled and more or less barked out onto the counter. his face bloomed bright, cherry red from the tips of his ears to the span of his neck. he had meant to say "the fabric of your clothes is stunning, as are your eyes," so what the hell did he just say?!

from beyond the kitchen doors came a defeated thump, and he just knows that hu tao and yanfei will never let him live this down.

you had been mid-sentence, confusion now etched onto your face at his choice of words before you broke into a grin and sweet bursts of giggles bubbled up from your chest.

"was that your attempt at a compliment?"

groaning, xiao leaned his arms against the counter and buried his face into the coolness of his shirt to shield his glowing face from view. he jolted when your fingers, clean of frosting and ginger crumbs, gently ran through his soft locks. you'd done it so many times when the two of you were just kids both as a form of comfort and casual touch. your fingers in his hair felt so foreign after having been away from you for so long, yet there were honey-filtered memories of the same sensation that washed over him like a gentle tide.

"hey, it was a good attempt. i like the fabric of my eyes too," you teased and mimicked his position by folding your arms on top of the counter and resting your head on them, "you look pretty great yourself."

xiao revealed his face from his cavern of shame and faced you directly with his head still nestled onto his arms. the tip of your elbow just barely brushed against his and yet it sent tingles of electricity throughout his body and jumpstarted the rockets in his heart. just how was it that all you had to do was exist and he'd be enamored? he'd never be able to solve that puzzle though, that's for sure.

you said nothing more and let him get lost in the crevices of your eyes, half lidded and hazed over with an emotion he couldn't exactly read. silence was comfortable, silence was familiar, but silence shared with you was special and inviting. the soft smile on your face as you gently nudged him with your elbow communicated all the words and emotions he needed to know.

'what are you thinking about?' was the question your eyes seemed to ask, but even xiao couldn't define the cacophony of noise running around through his mind.

just as he was about to open his mouth, the steady, honey-glowing stream of comfort that connected you both was cut short with the raging scream of the fire alarm, followed by the abhorrent smell of burnt smoke. xiao shot his head up from his arms and whipped his head around in search of the noise, cursing the alarm for ruining the moment you were sharing with him.

"no! my casserole!" zhongli's figure burst into the kitchen, eyes frantic and worrying as he hastily put on his oven mitts and scampered towards the oven.

xiao hurried over to the alarm and silenced it, all while zhongli placed his now ruined casserole onto the stovetop and pressed his lips into a fine line.

"is it salvageable, uncle zhongli?" you asked from over his shoulder, grimacing at the bitter charcoal color the one vibrant casserole had taken on.

"i suppose not, my dear," he sighed and pulled out his phone, "shall we order takeout instead?" zhongli received all the confirmation he needed when hu tao and yanfei bounded in and began begging for mcdonalds.

thankfully, the gingerbread cookies had been graced mercy and were spared of the ghastly fumes and burning smell. xiao's cookie was only half-finished—a poor attempt at keeping his hands busy with a shade of icing he wasn't particularly fond of. whereas, his golden eyes locked themselves onto your cookie and found similar pools of golden staring back at him. the cookie had been outlined in a dark green, similar to his shade of hair complete with the matching highlights. there were even little orange lines under the golden dots of icing to mimic his eyeliner, and a squiggle of green icing to recreate the tattoo he had gotten the other summer. even the little gummy buttons were lined down the cookie's stomach from when his fingers had brushed against yours.

"is this...did you make this cookie of me?" he blabbered out, mouth agape and eyes wide with curiosity and anticipation.

you stifled a giggle and held up the cookie to appear side by side by a flabbergasted xiao with a prideful smile on your face.

"i think the resemblance is uncanny, what about you?"

he thought so too, but he should've handed you the red icing bag to mimic the tumultuous blush that began to spread across his face.

PHASE ONE STATUS OF OPERATION MISTLETOE: COMPLETE (?) DUMPSTER FIRE

phase two: holiday dinner

agent snowbell will rearrange the seating system so that agent grinch and the target are seated beside each other. agent jingles will ensure that agent grinch has the ability to show off his maturity and intelligence during discussions.

"okay! so maaaaybe phase one didn't go according to plan: you messed up the conversation bit, and papa's casserole ruined the romantic atmosphere, but it was still semi-successful, right?"

xiao shot his sister an incredulous look, as if she didn't hear him describe your eyes as "fabric".

"hey, chin up soldier! now we move onto phase two: dinner time!" yanfei cheered and clasped her hands in a pleasant manner, "papa made me in charge of seating arrangements at the dinner table this year, so i've arranged for you and (y/n) to sit together!"

"and i'm gonna ask you some super cool questions so that you can show off your intelligence, sound good?"

from a shelf to the side of his head, hu tao produced a stack of flashcards each with a topic or question hastily written down on the sheet white paper in bright red ink.

"give me a break—that last attempt was a disaster." xiao huffed and crossed his arms, embarrassment glazing over the rapid thump in his chest.

"but this time will go better! i made sure all my questions are about web design, i even googled interview questions!"

showing off wasn't something he was fond of, or partook in. even after voicing that thought to his sisters, they remained adamant as ever. there really was no helping a defeated older brother, and so he reigned himself in and nodded to silence their pleas. yanfei and hu tao shared an eager look with gleeful grins on their faces.

xiao couldn't help but once again feel that sense of dread, but perhaps it was the choked air of the cramped cleaning closet that hu tao had ushered yanfei and him into to avoid prying eyes and ears. it wasn't until he reached for the knob to open the door that it flew open from the other side and out came a tumble of adepti siblings with xiao flat on the bottom on his stomach, followed by a pile-on of hu tao and yanfei.

"wha-! what are you all doing?" xiao groaned and willed away the sharp pain from his back to peer up into his elder sister's plum-colored eyes.

"nothing, yuyu! don't worry about it, we were just- uh-" hu tao's eyes scrambled for an excuse when yanfei intervened with a pointed smile,

"we were just looking for air freshener! papa did burn his casserole after all."

ganyu's confused exterior melted away into understanding as she pulled up her siblings one by one and brushed their clothes free of dust. "don't worry about that, i'll go help papa out. why don't you all go sit down and get ready to eat?"

despite having sat beside you on more than on occasion, tonight felt different. perhaps it was because he sat beside you with a clear purpose and firm intentions. or, perhaps it was the devilish smile that yanfei had on her face as she discreetly switched your name card with ganyu's so that you now sat beside xiao. he felt hu tao's leg gently tap him from under the table, and looked up to see her thumbs raised, matched with her cheeky smile. xiao has never felt such an opposite emotion in his entire life; he'd describe it as being rocket-launched out to sea with nothing but his parachute to survive on as a raft. it didn't help that when you finally took your seat beside him (after cooing at the handmade name placements yanfei had made), your arm brushed ever so slightly against his and once again made the dormant butterflies in his stomach erupt feverishly. he couldn't help but let his gaze traverse a little bit and linger on your profile as you discussed something or the other with hu tao who sat across from you. his golden eyes drank in every line, curve, dip, dent, and fullness of your face and body. not to mention, it was as if cupid himself had been hovering over his shoulder like a cheeky cherub and shot his heart with one of his love-lathered arrows any time you laughed or smiled that beautiful smile of yours.

it was as if his eyes had taken you on as their muse and filled up the void within his cornea, retina, and irises with your beautiful image. truthfully, he wouldn't have it any other way: you were a true vision, stunning even in the most mundane moments.

"all right, dinner is ready! and, delightfully, not burned." zhongli chuckled, effectively breaking xiao from his spell of allure.

he turned his gaze away from you, internally chiding himself for acting so creepy as he focused his attention on his father who placed various bowls of takeout food onto the table.

"oooh is this from wanmin?" yanfei gawked, eyeing the scrumptious looking plate of jade parcels that zhongli placed in front of her.

hu tao practically drooled over the pot of adeptus' temptation that was placed near her, eagerly awaiting a spoonful with a silver fork in her hand, "wherever the heck it's from, it looks amazinggggg!"

zhongli smiled as he sat down at the head of the table, three daughters on one side, and you and xiao on the other. "please, let us celebrate and eat. may good fortune be bestowed upon all of you," he rose a goblet of wine in toast, to which xiao prayed that his glass of iced tea wouldn't slip from his clammy hands. he watched with a slight smile as hu tao eagerly dug into her jade parcels, while yanfei urged her not to down the whole thing in one go.

"xiao?" his attention was diverted from his sisters towards you, who held up a small plate of almond tofu with small candies decorated around the edge of the plate, "you like dessert first, right?"

as childish as it was, he did prefer his dessert first and nodded sheepishly as he took the plate from you, "please don't add this onto the list of embarrassing moments you're tallying for me."

you hummed for a moment as if in consideration, cheeky smile on your face, before replying, "hmm maybe, i'll keep this one on a spare file in my brain in case of any emergencies." you giggled, and picked up your own fork.

before he could brew up a comeback of his own, your hand gently overlapped his and brought the plate of almond tofu closer to you. your fork dug into the soft, bouncy texture and placed the delicacy into your mouth, humming pleasantly with every bite. meanwhile, xiao fought to regain his composure and did his best to will the blush away from his cheeks, hand still burning and pulsing from where you had so gently touched him.

"mmm! still tastes so good. remember when we'd walk to wanmin after school and get plates of almond tofu? chef mao would always give us discounts..." you trailed off, eyes finding his own with a nostalgic film over your eyes.

xiao did remember, every detail in fact. he remembered guiding your little hand in his own and standing up on tippy toes with fingers clutching wanmin restaurant's front counter. he remembered chef mao sliding them a large plate of almond tofu and urging that they take it on the house (he also remembered chef mao's constant teasing of xiao taking you on an "after school date", but he chooses to try and repress that part).

"yeah," he hummed, faint smile resting pleasantly on his lips as he found somewhere within the depth of his body: the courage to peer into your eyes from the side, "i could never forget."

his heart felt much lighter as you piled all his favorites onto his plate and handed it to him with little to no hesitation. somehow you always knew just what to pick (and what to avoid as well): pile on savory greens and tasty desserts and avoid fatty meats.

just as he went to bite into a juicy looking jade parcel, hu tao cleared her throat and began banging her fork against her flute glass full of cherry cola.

"any harder and it'll break, dum dum." yanfei snickered beneath her fist, propped up by her elbow on the table.

hu tao rolled her eyes and focused her attention onto xiao, where the sense of dread began to once again rise up in his stomach.

"(y/n), you know xiao's studying web design at college right now, don't you?" she chirped, bright eyes knowing and eager.

"yup! you should see the pictures of his projects he sends me, it looks like hell." you chuckled before stuffing a spoonful of black-back perch stew into your mouth.

"weeeeellll," hu tao paused to glance down at the cards in her lap (xiao presumes),

"did you know that the first prime minister of liyue was miss gui- wait...WAIT A MINUTE-!"

hu tao's cheeky disposition quickly collapsed into panic as she flitted through her flashcards, quietly mumbling little "no"s under her breath.

"agent jingles!" yanfei muttered through gritted teeth masked as a smile, "did you bring your history flashcards instead of the ones with web design questions on them?!" yanfei hissed, stretching her neck over to grab the untouched pile of flashcards in hu tao's lap.

"agent wha? what's that?" hu tao scratched the top of her head in confusion, before she was reminded by a glare and kick from under the table by yanfei, "OH OH RIGHT! my bad, snowbell." she giggled.

"gods you are hopeless," yanfei muttered and pinched the bridge of her nose.

xiao wanted the ground to swallow him whole and never have him return.

"aghh aiyah i SWEAR i thought i had the right ones! these were from my history exam." hu tao pouted and gently bumped her forehead against the table.

"what's going on with you two?" zhongli, firm yet gentle, eyed his daughters with a curious look.

"nothing, papa! nothing, we just wanted to fill in (y/n) about the cool stuff xiao does, isn' that right xiao?" yanfei quickly threw the fastball of conversation towards him, to which he could do nothing but agree with a tentative and hesitant forced smile on his face.

"are you a history buff now?" you gently elbowed him from the side with a coy smile dancing on your lips, "there's a great place near campus with tons of historical books, lemme know when you're free and we can go together."

he wasn't much of a history buff but now, he'd probably be asking hu tao for her flash cards later on.

PHASE TWO STATUS OF OPERATION MISTLETOE: SOMEWHAT SALVAGEABLE!

phase three: nostalgic photo reminiscing

agent snowbell will procure photo albums of agent grinch and the target from their youth and coax them into the living room to sift through the photos and reminisce. agent jingles and snowbell will be in charge of keeping ganyu and papa occupied as to not interfere.

baby pictures: the bane of his existence.

xiao has known no rest since his little sisters had somehow managed to get ahold of his baby pictures. there was no escape from their relentless teasing or the comments of "you used to be so cute! so what the heck happened?!" he's heard it all at this point.

so upon hearing yanfei explain the third phase, he's quick to shoot it down. "absolutely not."

"aw c'mon! xiaooooo they don't even have to be your baby photos, i'm sure there's tons of photos of you and (y/n) as kids. wouldn't it be great to reminisce?" yanfei pleaded, and xiao swore that she had absorbed the puppy dog eye tactic from hu tao.

"...papa or ganyu might know where the albums are, but what does this have to do with-"

"it has everything to do with (y/n)!" hu tao interjected, bowl of strawberry ice cream in one hand and miniature spoon in the other. if xiao inspected closely, it might've been a spoon that belonged to his father's collectibles but he didn't want to even imagine the scolding hu tao would be in for if she really was using one of his collectible spoons to shovel bits of strawberry ice cream into her gullet.

"think about it: you're reminiscing over your childhood, they see how your bond evolved, and how much you've grown and realize that they've fallen for you, and BOOM! they fall in love and you both get married and get a bunch of puppies and cats and feifei and i are always invited over to babysit them, the end!"

somehow xiao didn't think hu tao was being quite realistic. yanfei was always the more grounded one of the duo, but even she had her nonsensical moments. xiao would most likely count this moment as one of them, as she eagerly trotted into the living room with an armful of books.

"got 'em! hu, you go get (y/n)." yanfei ordered as she set the books down onto the living room coffee table.

xiao hadn't expected there were so many, then again his dad was quite doting and xiao wouldn't put it past him to take multitudes of photos.

"alright, here's the situation: papa and yuyu and washing dishes and cleaning, so hu and i will help them out and keep them distracted and away from the living room as long as we can. use the time to try and get them all warm and nostalgic, got it? this is super important for phase four, so try not to mess up!" despite the encouraging thumbs up and signature "yanfei-branded" smile, xiao couldn't help but deadpan a little at his sister's choice of words.

"hey! hu tao said you wanna show me something?" your familiar head popped itself into view, which yanfei took as her cue to leave (but not before mouthing "good luck" behind your back and flashing a thumbs up).

you shot a quizzical glance to the teenager and faced xiao once more with an incredulous smile on your face, "those two are acting kinda weird tonight, i wonder if they plan on pranking us." you chuckled and walked over to the couch.

xiao scooted over to make room for you, but you instead opted to send him into cardiac arrest and plop down right next to him so that your shoulders stuck together side-by-side.

"so, what's up? are these photo albums i see? are we doing some holiday reminiscing?" you giggled and eagerly traced your fingers along the spine of the albums.

he figured he may as well try and go along with yanfei and hu tao's plan, even if it hadn't been super successful previously. "yeah...i thought it'd nice to look back." he mumbled, hand fidgeting to rub the back of his neck.

his leg bounced, nerves flocking to the pulsating thunder of his heart as he watched you take the first book from the pile and turn open the page.

"aww look! it's a picture of us fighting over rexy!" you squealed and eagerly slid the book closer between the two of you.

asides from the ever-growing nervousness deep in his stomach from just your touch alone, xiao found himself recalling the faded, yellow memory with a faint smile as if it had just happened yesterday. the dragon doll, "rexy", was his favorite stuffed animal as a kid. but it just so happened that you loved rexy just as much, and most of your playdates usually resulted in the two of you chasing each other on stubby little two year old legs for the stuffed dragon's affection.

"rexy totally liked me better, by the way." you giggled and lightly slapped his bicep with the back of your hand.

"tch, no way. it's a stuffed animal..." he trailed off with a pensive look, only for it to dissolve into the slight upwards twitch of his lips and a sly glance from the side, "but i treated him the best."

your hand flew to your chest in mock hurt, yet there was no denying the playlist glint of mirth in your eyes, "i'm gravely offended by the implication that i didn't treat rexy right."

"i'm just saying it as it is." he huffed and crossed his arms.

"moving on from rexy, my beloved," he snickered at the honorific you used, which earned him a nudge from your elbow, "look it's our first day of grade school!"

xiao didn't quite remember that day, since the rain tended to beat out all other thoughts, but he did remember when you bounded up to him with a little froggy hat on your head, and handed him a matching one. the photo had captured when you had slung your little five year old arms around xiao's neck and held him close to show off your matching froggy rainhats. he also vividly remembered walking home hand-in-hand with you, jumping in puddles, and watching as snails and worms made their way across sidewalk pavements in complete awe.

"we should get matching hats again, frogs are all the rave now aren't they? you'd looks so cute with a wittle fwoggy hat on your head." you cooed and pinched the chub of his cheek gently between your forefinger and thumb.

the physical contact sent a jolt of lightning throughout his body and he felt the heat rush to his face faster than you could say "froggy" again.

"n-next page!" he quickly muttered, flipping the laminated photo over so that a different array of photos peered back up at him.

"awww i remember this photo, you were so nervous about going into the sea." you hummed, affectionately thumbing the sheathed photograph of you and xiao, hand-in-hand and ankle-deep in a crystal blue sea. zhongli had captured the moment just perfectly, with your head tilted backwards in laughter, gaps in your teeth perfectly on display, whereas xiao's fright was evident on his face as he desperately clung to your hands; if the embarrassment of the little blue floaties with miniature yellow ducklings on his two arms wasn't enough, xiao was pretty sure that he cried a ton moments after that photo was taken and demanded they go to shore to collect sea shells instead.

"why did papa only save the embarrassing ones..." xiao grumbled under his breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

you merely tilted your head back and released the sweet cacophony of your laughs from deep within your chest. xiao knew no sweeter sound nor melody that could ever compare with the snorts between your fits of laughter, or the choked coughing sessions you'd usually end up in after, like right now. his hand tentatively hovered above your back for a minute before it made contact with the fabric of your clothes and gently rubbed up and down to soothe your coughs.

"see, this is what happens when you laugh too much." he chided, attempting to mask the mirth and affection in his voice as best he could.

"oh hush, you worrywart." you waved him off and focused your attention back to the album in your hands.

xiao's hand still hovered near your back, and as if possessed by the cupid that had been hovering around his shoulders, he allowed his arm to carefully drape over your shoulders and pull you closer to him. the muffled squeals of joy from beyond the kitchen doors indicated that hu tao and yanfei had seen his act of bravery as well. his heart pounded wildly in his chest as he looked at your face, drenched in shock with a hint of intrigue. the small "o" on your lips quickly dissolved into a gentle smile as you placed your head into the crook of his shoulder and leaned back against the couch with the photo album shared between your laps. the muffled shrieks of joy indicated that hu tao and yanfei must have also seen that.

no matter how hard he tried, his heartbeat wouldn't cease its rampant thundering nor would his face calm its rouge fury. how many nights had he dreamed about a moment like this, where you'd be close by his side and your heartbeats would finally sync together in harmony?

'far too many,' he thinks.

you're silent as a mouse now, quietly flipping through the photo album with a nostalgic smile etched onto your lips. he can't help but be entranced with every detail that decorated your appearance, and every slight particular facial gesture or habit that made it much easier to read your moods. take right now, as an example: the scrunch of your nose as you looked at a photo of you and him in your matching, third grade halloween costumes of peanut butter and jam meant that you were trying to suppress a smile or a bubble of laughter. his arm has never felt such warmth.

now was as good a time as any, right?

"l-listen, (y/n), there's s-something that i...need to tell you," he started, face turning inwards and choosing to brave his storms and face you eye-to-eye.

but before he could continue, a clutter of noise rang from the kitchen followed by muffled curses and exclamations. you shot up from your relaxed position on his shoulder and shot your head towards the door.

"what was that?!" you mumbled, turning back to him with a worried look on your face as you pushed yourself up from his embrace and waited for xiao to follow suit.

still in a rosy haze and drunk on your embrace, it took a minute for his brain to finally get up to speed. you grabbed his forearm and hurried past the kitchen doors. xiao expected that perhaps something had fell or broken (or in the worst case scenario, a break-in). of course, in this family anything was everything but typical.

in all its grand glory, a pigeon of all things sat comfortably on the counter, pecking away at the oreos hu tao had taken out for a snack. xiao looked to the corner of the kitchen to see his three sisters huddled behind their father, who gallantly held a broom and a determined look on his face.

"both of you, come this way!" he ordered.

"oh nonsense, uncle zhongli. it's just a pigeon. here," with a nearby towel, you gently wafted the fabric in the direction of the pigeon. the pigeon, who seemed to mystically obey you, hopped down from the counter and sauntered over to the open sliding glass door as guided by your towel wafting. with one final flick of the fabric, the pigeon disappeared beyond the glass and flew off into the night sky.

"there! not so frightening now is it?" you beamed and shut the glass door.

"(y/n) you should've seen it! feifei cracked the sliding door to throw out some dust and BOOM!" hu tao's arms spread wide open and mimicked a plane flying in for landing, "in came the pigeon! i wanted to adopt it but papa said no." she pouted, crossing her arms and side-eyeing the older man.

with the threat of the pigeon now gone, the rest of his family began to tentatively move back throughout the kitchen. yanfei and hu tao shot him a double thumbs up and left him to stand beside you in front of the glass doors.

"so, what was it you wanted to tell me before we were so rudely interrupted by a pigeon?" you asked.

the "nevermind" that tumbled out of his mouth is quick and hasty, and it's little more than an excuse to excuse himself from the bewildering situation where he nearly poured his heart out to you, only to be interrupted by a pigeon.

PHASE THREE STATUS OF OPERATION MISTLETOE: A SUCCESS (???)

phase four: the big confession!

agents snowbell and jingles will decorate the back patio with fairy lights and candles. agent grinch will lead the target out to the back patio to watch the stars, where he will share his feelings with the target and live happily ever after!

"hey, that actually went pretty well!"

xiao did his best to blot out whatever other exclamation yanfei had made, too busy wrapped up in his own thoughts: was he too forward by wrapping an arm around your shoulders? but you leaned into him, so surely it wasn't the wrong choice, was it?

"hey hey, stop zoning out! we're in the home stretch here!" hu tao wagged her palm in front of his face and broke him from his daze.

"the pigeon fiasco ruined the moment, but you had a good run there! keep up that attitude, definitely." yanfei (who had somehow produced a clipboard) carefully wrote down something on a piece of paper.

what exactly she was writing, xiao could only guess.

"next up: the biiiig confession! now's your time to shine, lover boy!"

"confession?!" he jumped up from the living room couch with a start, eyes frazzled and worried and heartbeat more erratic than ever. "absolutely not, no way."

"xiaooooo you can't chicken out now! this is what the entire night's been leading to after all. feifei and i already decked out the patio earlier! all that's left to do is take them outside and profess your love like a disney prince mweheheheheeeee~" hu tao cackled, slumped over the arm rest of the plush couch with her legs dangling over the edge.

"i said no, i can't do this." his fingers found their way raking through his thick locks, other hand scrunching up the fabric of his white shirt within his fist as if he held in his hand his actual thumping heart. he had hardly heard when the kitchen doors opened and the familiar scent of ganyu's perfume wafted into the living room.

"have any of you seen (y/n)? a blizzard picked up outside and papa doesn't want them driving in the snow." ganyu's familiar mop of periwinkle locks popped into the living room. she glanced around in search of what xiao assumed was your familiar figure.

xiao looked towards hu tao and yanfei, who in turn looked at each other expectantly.

hu tao nervously glanced towards yanfei with an undoubted sheen of worry in her eyes, "feifei...you didn't already tell them to go outside on the patio and wait...did you?"

all color within yanfei's face drained as she whipped her head to xiao, confirming his suspicions with only the slight nod of her head. faster than he could even comprehend, his hands reached for a nearby blanket on the couch and his feet hurried towards the back door. all he could picture in his mind was your frigid skin and frosted fingertips, devoid of warmth and comfort as he whipped open the door and hurried outside in nothing but his father's outdoor slippers.

there you stood: with your back to him and clothes doused in a layer of frothy white snow, you stood against a backdrop of beautiful chaos and whirling snow. the fairy lights and candles hu tao and yanfei had set up earlier were blown off from where they hung and devoid of any sort of light. the biting snow burned against his cheek and exposed, bare skin as he walked towards you with the thick blanket grasped tightly in his hands.

"you're an idiot for waiting out here for so long." despite the harsh denotation of the words he muttered, there was a tentative gentleness to it that seemed to be reserved only for you. once close enough to your shivering body, he draped the blanket over your figure and held the material shut tight himself across your chest so that your back pressed against his chest.

"hey now, i can't disobey a direct order from miss yanfei herself. she said she had another surprise for me, but i suppose the surprise is no more?" your head cocked itself to the side to peer directly into his eyes.

"the only surprise you'll get from her is frostbite," he scoffed as he rubbed his hands up and down the sides of your arms over top of the blanket, "come inside now, you'll freeze out here."

"...maybe," you began, eyes still transfixed on the raging swirls of stormy snow that engulfed you; xiao turned his attention towards you with intrigue,

"maybe next time, i can actually experience the surprise she had for me." you mumbled, and leaned further back into his warm body.

deep down, xiao wished he had the guts to fulfil your desires.

PHASE FOUR STATUS OF OPERATION MISTLETOE: COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE

"(y/n) i apologize greatly. i've given these two a good scolding for sending you outside in nothing but your evening wear." zhongli gestured to a sheepish hu tao and yanfei, who ran straight into your arms as you entered the house again.

"t-that's fine u-uncle zhongli! b-but for n-now i'd j-just like to g-get a little w-warmed up? i'm r-really s-starting to feel the c-cold now haha." you sputtered between chattering teeth, latching on tightly to the fleece blanket xiao had draped across your shoulders as you used your other hand to stroke the heads of hu tao and yanfei.

"yes, of course. ganyu will bring you some warm tea once i've brewed it," zhongli smiled kindly and turned towards the kitchen before seemingly remembering something and turning back to face you and xiao, "and my dear, you should spend the night here. i'd detest if you were to drive back home in all that snow, it simply isn't safe. i believe we have a spare sleeping bag that you can use."

"y-yeah! that's f-fine with m-me if it's okay with x-xiao?"

before he could even reply (and provide an answer he wasn't even sure of yet), yanfei and hu tao interjected:

"of course he's cool with it! isn't that right, hu tao?" yanfei popped up by your side, accompanied by a nodding hu tao.

"yep yep yep! xiao's got the warmest room in the house!"

one day, xiao swore one day he'd get his two little gremlin sisters back for their transgressions.

"i believe xiao still has a spare set of your pajamas from the last time you slept over, why don't hu tao and yanfei take you to go get settled in his room while you wait for your tea?" zhongli suggested, eyeing his youngest daughters expectantly and silently pleading for them to not cause any more trouble once more before disappearing beyond the doors to the kitchen.

"are you sure you're fine?" he spun you around to face him and let his eyes roam over your body in search of anything worrying.

"oh please, a little snow won't be the end of me. i'll be just fine. but you might wanna fix your tie." you giggled and reached for the silky black tie that the winter winds had strewn over his shoulder, and fixed it back into place. your fingers lingered for just a moment longer than they should've, and managed to steal the breath from his lungs as they caught in the nets in his throat. as soon as they had came into contact with his chest, your fingers disappeared and your warmth trailed off behind his two sisters.

xiao's eyes wandered to your waddling figure, draped in the thick blanket as hu tao and yanfei guided you upstairs. his gaze lingered on you for a moment before he tore himself away and defeatedly groaned into the palms of his hands. weary legs carried him to the seat of the living room couch, where he all but collapsed and dug his elbows into his thighs while cradling his head. the sigh he'd been holding in all night finally slipped past his lips as his entire body sagged in complete and utter exhaustion.

he truly was at a loss for what to do now: if he really was that romantically incompetent on his own, and his little sister's plan hadn't been a success, then what was he left to do? perhaps giving up was in order, but the mere thought of never holding you close in his arms and never addressing you as all the cheesy pet names he's ever thought of before made his heart pang in an indescribable manner. not to mention, there was the fine line to be crossed between best of friends, and sweetest of lovers. would there ever be any return tickets if he ever made it beyond the threshold should you not like him in return? what of the friendship that lasted for nearly two decades up to this point?

if only he hadn't tripped and stumbled down the rose covered path of love towards your inviting arms; perhaps then he wouldn't be psychologically tormenting himself with his own inadequacies. just as he was about to slip below the cusp of his thoughts, a gentle hand placed itself on his shoulder and the scent of mint once again engulfed his nostrils.

"what's bothering you, xiao?" ganyu hummed, perched on the arm rest of the couch as she rubbed soothing circles into his shoulder.

"nothing, everything is absolutely fine." he spat, despite knowing that ganyu deserved least of all to be the brunt of his frustration.

"h-hey, don't get upset...just trying to help," she sighed and placed her hands back into her lap covered by the silky blue dress she wore, "you can always tell me anything that's bothering you. i'll listen."

xiao was reluctant—far too reluctant to inform his older sister that he was head over heels in love with his best friend and that he'd been dragged into a plot devised by their younger sisters to finally get him to fess up his feelings. there was the stubborn part of him that feared bearing his truth and admitting that he was scared: of rejection, of messing up, of so many things. but reluctance aside, ganyu's familiar sunset eyes peered back at him with such care and attention, it was almost as though the words he'd been so violently repressed had become unclogged in his throat with just those few words of reassurance she uttered.

maybe he'll try his luck once more.

the details of "operation mistletoe" came out in jumbled nonsense at first, until ganyu urged him to take him time and he slowly found momentum. from phase one to phase four, and all the moments in between, as well as his burning feelings for you, all his words came out in quiet globs of emotional admission.

"i put my faith in hu tao and yanfei because i thought it would help me confess to (y/n)...but everything kept going wrong a-and on my own...i'm not enough to make them feel things for me...and i'm terrified that if i mess things up that they'll never want to be friends with me again, and i don't think i could bear that."

his head hung low in shame, fists clenched together in front of him. frustration flooded his veins at his own incompetence and shameful admission to the thoughts that had been plaguing him for years.

"xiao..." ganyu mumbled and slid down the arm rest to sit beside him. "i think you're trying too hard to be something you're not. yanfei and hu tao mean well, but in reality romance is nothing like it's depicted in anime or dramas. n-not that i have any experience!" she quickly clarified, waving her hand in dismissal.

"but on my own," xiao paused and looked at his trembling hands, "(y/n) would never love someone like me."

ganyu frowned and overlapped his hand within two of her own. "xiao, i've looked after you and (y/n) since you two were in diapers. even if they can't see you romantically, there's no doubt in my mind that they'll never stop caring and loving for you, even if it's platonic. most importantly, (y/n) would love you for who you are even if it means they deal with your communicative problems and standoffish behavior. n-not that t-there's anything wrong with that o-of course!"

xiao felt a small smile creep its way onto his face as he stewed in ganyu's words. in truth: ganyu was right. you weren't so flimsy that you'd toss him aside should you reject his feelings, and you were well aware that it was impossible to reproduce the suave character of a handsome drama lead in someone like him. you've stuck by his side for all these years, not an ideal version of him, just him as he is: wholly human and bound to trip and fall yet get back up again.

"take a chance, xiao. it's alright if it doesn't work out; i know they'd never leave you." ganyu hummed and rubbed a comforting hand up and down his spine.

"i should've gone to you for help instead of letting yanfei and hu tao drag me around all night." he laughed breathlessly to conceal the film of tears hanging from his golden eyes and hid his face in his hands.

"ah so you three were scheming in the cleaning closet instead of looking for air freshener, that makes a lot more sense now." ganyu giggled and nudged his shoulder. "you're much of a better person than you give yourself credit for, xiao. don't sell yourself short."

with a shaky inhale, xiao managed to shyly squeak out: "i really, really like them, ganyu."

"i know, you'd have to be a fool not to notice after all." she smiled and smoothed over the top of his frazzled locks, "tell them how you feel when you're ready."

the thing is, he wondered: how do you know if you're ready?

"heya! soooo we couldn't find the sleeping bag, ehe~"

his fingers went to press the bridge of his nose almost immediately as if to soothe the oncoming migraine that his sisters would inevitably give him. the sleeping bag was probably hidden away, stuffed under either of their beds, but he didn't have the energy to fight them on it.

"hey, it's no biggie. xiao and i have shared a bed plenty of times together, right?" you chirped as you nudged his side expectantly.

you had indeed shared a bed before, but you left out the crucial fact that you hadn't slept in the same bed as xiao since you were kids. there was absolutely no way his heart could take this, but seeing how you bounced up and down on the balls of your heels, eager eyes peeking through the doorway of his room, it looked like there was no saying "no" to you either way.

"y-yeah, s'fine." he mumbled and shoved his hands into his pockets.

you'd already changed into your pajamas and warmed up from the mishap of phase four. the tea ganyu had brought to warm you up had been half drunk and now you settled comfortably on the side of xiao's large bed with your phone in hand. xiao would think the scene quite domestic and sweet if not for the jeering presence of his sisters behind him.

"there's only..."

"...one bed! it's straight out of fanfiction!"

their whisper-squeals did little to calm his racing heartbeat and no sooner than they had spoken did xiao usher them off with hisses under his breath.

"okay, you two have had your fun. now shoo," xiao turned them around and gently pushed their backs out of the door to his room, but not discreetly leaning down towards them and whispering a hushed "thank you."

"hey, no need! (y/n) would be super lucky to date you." hu tao cheered quietly and shoved an encouraging thumbs up for him.

"exactly, we're just glad to help. aaaand this kept hu tao from pulling any disastrous pranks this year." yanfei side eyed her sister, who innocently peered back with starlit eyes.

even after wishing them goodnight and shutting his door, the nervous pitter-patter of his heart had yet to cease. the dress shirt he'd been wearing all night stuck to his skin and itched at his sides and he wanted nothing more for it to be gone.

"xiao? you gonna get changed or do you plan on going to bed looking like a butler?" you snickered from your seat on his bed, knees tucked tight against your chest from beneath his white comforter.

he merely rolled his eyes and shuffled towards his drawers to pull out a soft, white t shirt and dark blue checkered pajama bottoms. you turned on your side to allow him privacy, but even with your eyes fixated on the phantom blue screen of your phone, xiao couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed. too many times did his fingers fumble with the buttons of his shirt and too many times did he misstep while trying to put on his pajama pants.

"you okay?" you called, face still turned the other way.

"y-yeah! just...lost my balance." he mumbled out an excuse and slid the t shirt over his head.

with every step he took towards his light switch, his heart's pulse threatened to burst out of his chest. he could practically feel the slight thump in his throat right beside his bobbing adam's apple.

"tell them when you're ready." but when will he be ready?

with a flick of his finger, his room shrouded itself in darkness with only the gentle trickle of pearly moonlight to illuminate the large, obsidian floor rug that blanketed his bedroom. you looked towards him and shut your phone off, scooching over in his bed to make room for his body. as much as his limbs trembled, he managed to slip underneath his sheets and turned on his side so that his back faced you and his body hung off the side of the bed in order to give you as much space as you needed.

"what are you doing? you know the bed is big enough for the both of us, right?" you giggled, and his stomach jolted in his body as your arms slid around his waist and pulled him into the bed, closer to your body.

"i just w-wanted to respect your space..." he mumbled into his pillow, and with the heat that reverberated off of the fabric he was sure that his face was nothing but a blushing mess right now. you'd said something of comfort to him, but it was blotted out by the thumping in his ears.

your arms still loosely draped themselves around his waist, and the heat of your body gently brushed against his back and sent tingles up his spine. there was absolutely no way he'd be able to sleep with how hard his heart was pounding in his ears.

your name flew out of his lips before he decided to let his mind overwork him to the bone and interfere once more: "(y/n)?"

"hm?"

"i..." his lips went dry and all the words he'd been practicing over and over again in his head flitted off into the air. your hand gently pressed against his tense shoulder blade, silently encouraging to take his time. but all he could feel was the warmth of your hand against his back; even just your presence was enough to send his heart into hysterics.

you were it for him, he was sure no one else could ever make him feel as safe and warm as you did.

he wasn't sure when he had inched closer to the edge again, perhaps it was when he felt the ticklish fan of your breath against the nape of his neck or when you shifted closer so that your leg brushed against his. xiao simply thought his mind had finally chosen to descend into the realm of sleep when his view of his bedroom ceiling began to turn and the familiar yet unfamiliar sensation of falling engulfed him.

it wasn't until his back made a muted impact against the carpet did he realize that yes, he, as a twenty one year old man, had just fallen out of his own bed.

"xiao?! are you alright?" you scrambled to the edge of the bed and peered down at him with worry glossed over in your eyes.

he sighed and draped an arm over his eyes, a warbled smile stretching itself onto his lips. "yeah, all good." he mumbled.

just as he was about to suggest that you sleep in ganyu's room, a pillow hit his stomach, followed by the weight of his comforter. you tossed a pillow beside him onto the soft carpet and scooted off of the bed to lay on the other side of him on the carpet.

"what are you doing?"

you turned to him with a cheeky smile and fluffed out the ends of the comforter, "sleeping on the floor with you, duh," you snorted and fixed the pillow on the rug, "when we were kids we used to do this all the time during sleepovers when you couldn't sleep, remember? we pretended it was camping."

of course xiao remembered, he could never forget his sleepless nights only remedied by the comfort of his floor rug, and how much you complained about your aching back in the morning yet never blamed him for an inch of your pain. "yeah, but i never fell off my own bed first." he choked out a laugh and shoved the pillow under his head before burying the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"times change, so do methods." you joked and laid flat on your back so that both you and xiao stared up at his ceiling, where the glow in the dark stars you both had stuck up nearly a decade ago still clung to the chipped, white paint.

"do you think that we'll ever change?"

the question came out choked and barely uttered under his breath but somehow you managed to hear him even through all the thick barrier and fog he had produced.

"of course we will," you hummed as xiao turned his head to the side to avoid your knowing gaze. his eyes snapped open when your fingers hesitantly brushed against his own before intertwining with his fingers, "but we'll change together."

of all the love advice and training sessions hu tao and yanfei had put him through, never did it occur to him that you wouldn't leave him behind in the dust even if he struggled to convey his feelings. he had always felt the pressure to keep up and measure up to his best friend's amazing qualities, yet preserve the years of history behind them. and yet you so boldly claimed that despite change, you'd be right by his side.

how do you know if you're ready? maybe he is.

"i think i'm in love with you."

too nervous to face you, xiao could only zero in on the glowing stars on his ceiling and squeezed your intertwined hand to quell the nervous tide washing up in his stomach.

"i know," you giggled and raised your intertwined hands to press against your heart, which thundered just as much if not more than his.

xiao's heart stuttered before jackhammering against the thin roof of his ribcage as he shot up and whipped his head to look back down at you, still laying on your back and looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars with your hand still intertwined with his—as if nothing had happened.

"you....you knew?" he mumbled breathlessly.

you shifted so that you sat up and faced him, body impossibly close to his as you used your free hand to play with the tips of his intertwined fingers.

"welllll," you started with a cheeky smile, "you did propose to me when we were six."

xiao groaned into the skin of the palm he rubbed over his face. he, unfortunately, remembered every detail of proposing to you with a ring made of a daisy and taking you "wedding clothes shopping" in his sister's and papa's closets.

"for the record, i think i do too."

dreaming, he was surely dreaming, because there was no way that you reciprocated his feelings.

"y-you...me? love??" his pointer finger jutted against his chest.

"i wouldn't put it like a caveman, but yeah," you laughed and caressed your thumb over the back of his knuckles, "i do, i love you lots."

"oh," was all he could manage to say amidst the tides of emotions that washed over him: his heart was practically still with how fast it was beating, and he thanked the darkness for granting him the mercy of concealing the raging blush that had overtaken his face.

how many nights had he spent dreaming of the moment where his hand would engulf yours and trail imaginary lines over the bumps of your knuckles? so many, that as he reached his free, trembling hand up to stroke the apple of your cheek, he thought himself still asleep and dreaming of your love.

your warm nose gently brushed against his, and though the lips he's dreamt of since he was a kid were so, so close to him, he found himself planting his forehead in the crook of your shoulder and gripping your hand with a nervous fervor through stuttered breaths. your laugh hummed against his skin as you ran a hand through his locks and pressed a gentle kiss to the tender area of his temple.

he was no casanova or romeo, nor was he particularly the best at romance and love. but no doubt in his mind: if you could embrace him with honey lined hugs and kisses that made his insides melt just as he is, there's no other place he'd rather be and no other way he would've had the evening play out.

there was always an unspoken language whispered in the comfortable silence between you two, and somehow you always managed to understand the jumbled desires and conversations in his heart that never met the threshold of his voicebox. sleep wasn't calling, but the desire to hold you within his arms was.

and as he tugged you down with him, pulled the covers over your bodies, and held you close against his chest to peer up at the glow-in-the-dark stars above, xiao felt all the worries of his night melt away and fizzle off like glitter into the air around him.

in your arms and with the lull of your heartbeat did he finally find paradise: a lover's secret garden where he'd love to walk hand-in-hand with you for as long as time would allow him.

"shhh! not so loud, you'll wake them up!"

ganyu—as the eldest—always made it her priority to keep her siblings in order. but just this once perhaps a little indulgence was allowed, as she leaned against the doorframe and watched with a fond smile as yanfei eagerly took round upon round of pictures on her phone of you comfortably nestled deep in xiao's embrace under the covers.

"see! i knew hiding the sleeping bag was a good call." hu tao giggled and quietly tip toed to yanfei's side to observe the angles at which she took photos

the morning light had made a great highlight of the slight trail of drool from your lips, and the tousled mess that was their brother's hair.

"alright, you two, i think that's enough. let's go help papa start breakfast." ganyu gently chided with a whisper and ushered the two girls to her side.

"awww, these photos are gonna look so good in the album." yanfei cooed as she swiped through the pictures and obeyed her sister's orders to tiptoe quietly to the doorway of xiao's room.

just as hu tao was about to follow, the rustle of sheets behind her and a raspy "hu tao?" made her stop dead in her tracks.

"xiao! uhhh-" she nervously whipped her head to yanfei and ganyu, who pretended to not notice her silent plea for help, "we were just- uh- you know?" she sheepishly smiled and raised her hands in surrender.

he really didn't know what she was talking about, nor why all three of his sisters had decided to congregate in his room. but the slight shift of your body in his arms reminded him of all the events that had transpired yesterday, and suddenly the annoyance and fatigue melted away into honeyed bliss.

"so," yanfei started, a mischievous smile dancing on her lips, "was our operation successful?"

his head shifted on his pillow to peer down at you with what he felt were metaphorical hearts in his eyes. a gentle brush of his fingers against your temple gave hu tao and yanfei all the confirmation they needed as they dashed out of his room with bubbling, giddy grins on their faces. ganyu chuckled and let him know of breakfast's brewing before quietly shutting the door and leaving him to bask in the warm, morning silence and your warmth within his arms.

xiao prayed that you wouldn't wake from his gentle touches, but against all odds your eyes fluttered open to reveal the beautiful shade of (e/c) that he loved so much. your lips stretched into a hazy smile as your raspy voice mumbled a "good morning"...

...followed by a quick, chaste kiss to his lips.

it'd be so nonchalant, xiao would've dismissed it as if you'd sent him a teasing remark like usual if not for the realization that you had just kissed him as if it were already part of your routine.

"oh! i'm sorry...i just- i did that instinctively..." your hands flew to your mouth, apologetic eyes flickering to gauge his reaction.

xiao didn't care for firsts, just that the first person to kiss his lips was you: his best friend, and the person he loved more than anything in this world. his hand, warm from the heat of your bodies, moved to cup your cheek and thumbed just below your eye.

the minute his lips connected with yours once again, he didn't feel fireworks or electric sparks like hu tao and yanfei's romantic animes and dramas and articles described. rather, his heart felt as though it had been dipped into a sweet pool of warm honey, and if he concentrated hard enough he'd feel the gentle flap of butterfly wings deep in the pits of his stomach, and the faint, fragrant scent of dewy carnations and roses in the height of spring.

sooner or later, he'd have to get up and pull you up from the ground and listen to you complain about the cricks and soreness in your back. his father and ganyu would embarrass him with stories of his youth during breakfast while you stuffed your cheeks with fluffy waffles bathed in sweet syrup. and there was no doubt in his mind that hu tao and yanfei would fill you in on operation mistletoe.

but even within all its chaos and domesticity, xiao would never change a single bit of it: not his family, not you, and not the stupid four-phase operation that got him here in the first place.

OPERATION MISTLETOE STATUS: A SUPER DUPER WONDERFUL SUCCESS!

date published: december 23rd, 2021

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