clarktooncrossing - Tumblr blog

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

Wow, two new pics in one year? Nobody could've expected this! Unlike that Total Solar Eclipse that happened earlier today. How wild was that? To think, we won't be seeing anything like that for another two decades. Absolutely crazy! Not to mention beautiful. Like hundreds of people I dared to venture outside with a set of paper glasses so I could stare up at the moon blocking the sun. Incredible as the moment was, it sadly didn't photograph well. Hence why I had to borrow this photo from a buddy of Mr-Herp-Derp. Thanks, random photographer who had that special lens made to document moments like this! You've made the Clarktoons' resident cosmic cutie very happy. Yes, of course Rosie Stardust had to stop by our neck of the multiverse to check this out. As always she was delighted to see what wonders the galaxy had to show.

Rosie: OH MY STARDUST! This is absolutely amazing! I mean look at that, the moon is actually blocking the sun! How incredible! Goodness me, isn't it stupendous how things like this can just happen? And so many of you get to share this experience for generations to come! When the next twenty years passes by, you can tell your loved ones how you were there to see the last one. Maybe by then they'll create filters for Terran phones so you can take a proper picture, Clark. Still, thanks for including me in such a special occasion. I hope the rest of you enjoyed it as much as I did!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[clarktooncrossing]

Can you make a post for this year? About all the milestones like you did for last year?

Good news, I already did:

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

On New Year's 2024 I vowed to myself that I'd be more productive than ever, streamlining all of my ideas and making a decent living on commissions. While doing that I figured I'd keep my creative muscles limber by posting the occasional DUDEL or Sketch BOOM every now and again. Now chances are these won't be a daily thing. There'll be some days when I'm just feeling too bushed to scribble my silly ideas down on paper or I'll be too busy binging the likes of Steven Universe or Burn Notice. Yes, I am fully aware that those two shows make for a weird combination. Just imagine Michael Westen trying to help out the Crystal Gems, I'd totally watch that. Then again, I have a weird imagination as this DUDEL is about to illustrate.

Christopher Robin had many companions living in the Hundred Acre Woods. Though perhaps none plushy pal holds as special a place in his heart as his dear friend Edward Bear, or Pooh for short. Pooh was not a bright bear. Solving complex equations or discuss the philosophies of Plato were of little use to one who has fluff where his brains would be. Luckily brains aren't required to be intelligent. Old Edward more than made up for this when it came to his immensely large heart. Weather is was protecting his pal Piglet from Jagulars, helping his friend Eeyore find his tail, or simply bouncing around with Tigger, Eddy was the bear everybody turned to. Including Matt Whimsy, the animation magician of Hollywood responsible for Freddy and Fiona Fox. He and his animation team at Whimsy Studios adapted the classic tales of this lovable teddy bear into a series of movies over the years that have outlived A.A. Milne, Matt Whimsy, and even Christopher Robin himself. Now today fans of the characters can meet them at Whimsyland in California whenever not riding Edward's Excellent Expedition, helping the gang from the woods find the fabled North Pole!

Maybe I can help them find it after completing an entire Sketch BOOM. This was meant to be the start of one right up until Rosie Stardust foiled my plans. Dang that Cosmic Cutie and her alien design! Having said that, expect more from my multiversal adventurer later. For now I couldn't let a good design go to waste. What prompted me to draw this was Whimsyland, my answer to the question of what is Brooklyn Nine Nine took place at a theme park instead of a police precinct. Realizing I needed more recognizable characters for this fictional park, I decided to go with the ones that were thankfully in the public domain. Really the challenge was coming up with a design that wasn't similar to those used my a certain company, which I think I succeeded in doing. What helped was going back to the original designs by E.H. Shepard and keeping to the simplistic mindset. My biggest hurtle was Pooh's attire since, despite wearing one in the original freak'n book, I couldn't dress him in a tiny red shirt. So instead I settled on a scarf to fit with his adventurous life style. Here's hoping we'll see more of Old Eddy, Piglet, and Tigger in the future. For now-

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

PS: Oh, you noticed the logo on the bottom, did you? We'll talk about that later...

[clarktooncrossing]

All the while Wish doesn't even get mentioned. Funny how that works, isn't it? Step up your game, Disney. You're a company founded on animation and everybody else is running circles around you.

HECK YEAH NIMONA !! 🤘

[clarktooncrossing]

Didn't Wanna Feel Older in 2024? TOO LATE!

So long, 2023! You have been a weird-@$$ year to say the least. Between by having to repair old thumb drives, purchase a new printer, finding out I'm susceptible to anxiety attacks, trying out dating for the first time, getting my Discord and Steam account hacked, starting a new Discord server since said account was never unhacked, opened myself up to commissions, managed to post art for Halloween, got Covid, summoned more Kaijus to play an elaborate game of poker, and had a merry enough Christmas. Here's hoping 2024 will prove better. At the moment I have no new goals, since I just want to relax after four months of constantly being active. There's a mile of books, movies, and TV shows I need to get caught up on! My opinions on all of them will be given in future Giraffe's Eye Views, but for now let's get to what you all came here for: yet another unnecessarily long list of things celebrating major milestones this year!

You all loved it when I did this last year. In fact it got more attention that anything else I posted, including the original art I put way more effort and time into. Nah, that didn't sting at all. Seeing my sketches get ignored is so much fun. Passive-aggressive joking aside, I do still love making these lists, so let's get started with some major stuff this year.

Thanksgiving wasn't too long ago, so why not mention that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade turns 100 this year? I know, that's insane! Watching this festive event has become a seasonal staple in my house and is the only reason I've ever signed up for Peacock. Thank goodness in all those years it hasn't been smashed by a giant monster.

Godzilla turns 70 freak'n years old this year! How crazy insane is that? Here's hoping his old age won't slow him down when he teams up with King Kong this April. Even if it does, Gojira will continue being cinema's coolest character!

Contrasting with the King of the Monsters, Mary Poppins turns 60 years old this year. This movie, considered to be Walt's last masterpiece, has aged considerably well even after all this time.

Oh yeah, and Mickey Mouse enters the public domain this year. Still not entirely sure how that works, but whatever. What I do know is...

Anything from 1974 turns 50 this year. That includes-

The Fort Wilderness Resort (January 1st)

Happy Days (January 15th)

Blazing Saddles (February 7th)

"Waterloo" by ABBA (March 4th)

“Sundown” by Gordon Lightfoot (March 25th)

"Rikki Don't Lose That Number" by Steely Dan (April 25th)

Herbie Rides Again (June 6th)

"Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (June 24th)

America Sings (June 29th)

Gone in 60 Seconds (July 28th)

Hong Kong Phooey (September 7th)

Shazam! (TV series) (September 7th)

Little House on the Prairie (September 11th)

Wolverine debuted in The Incredible Hulk #180 (October)

Arkham Asylum makes its first appearance in Batman #258 (October)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (October 11th)

Phantom of the Paradise (October 31st)

Earthquake (November 15th)

The Year Without a Santa Claus (December 10th)

Young Frankenstein (December 15th)

The Godfather Part II (December 20th)

Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, Too! (December 20th)

The Island at the Top of the World (December 20th)

An Adaptation of Dickens' Christmas Carol, Performed by The Walt Disney Players

“Bennie and the Jets” by Elton John

"Hooked On A Feeling" by Blue Swede

“The Loco-Motion” by Grand Funk Railroad

Anything from 1979 turns 45 this year. That includes-

Captain America (The TV movie) (January 19th)

The Dukes of Hazzard (January 26th)

The Warriors (February 9th)

John Carpenter's Elvis (February 11th)

Hair (March 14th)

"In the Navy" by the Village People (March 17th)

The Bad News Bears (March 24th)

Phantasm (March 28th)

"We Are Family" by Sister Sledge (April)

Nickelodeon (April 1st)

"Boogie Wonderland" by Earth, Wind, & Fire (May 6th)

Alien (May 25th)

Rocky II (June 15th)

"My Sharona" by The Knacks (June 18th)

The Muppet Movie (June 22nd) - THIS MOVIE SLAPS!

The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (June 27th)

The Amityville Horror (July 27th)

"Highway to Hell" by AC/DC (July 27th)

Apocalypse Now (August 15th)

"Don't Bring Me Down" by Electric Light Orchestra (August 24th)

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (September 2nd)

The Bugs Bunny / Road Runner Movie (September 14th)

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo (September 22nd)

Spider-Woman (TV show) (September 22nd)

The Black Stallion (October 17th)

Atari's Asteroids (November)

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (November 6th)

Pink Floyd's The Wall (November 30th)

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (December 7th)

1971 (December 14th)

The Jerk (December 14th)

The Black Hole (December 20th)

Mickey Mouse Disco

Anything from 1984 turns 40 this year. That includes-

The Kid Who Collects Spider-Man (January)

Night Court (January 4th)

"Rock You Like a Hurricane" by Scorpions (February 3rd)

Footloose (February 17th)

Nintendo's Punch-Out!! (February 17th)

"Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic (February 28th)

Splash (March 9th)

Children of the Corn (March 9th)

Run DMC (March 27th)

Romancing the Stone (March 30th)

The Toxic Avenger (April 11th)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (April 13th)

My Little Pony: Rescue at Midnight Castle (April 14th)

"We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister (April 27th)

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise (May)

Marvel's Secret Wars (May)

Spider-Man's Black Suit debuted in The Amazing Spider-Man #252 (May)

"What's Love Got to Do with It" by Tina Turner (May 1st)

WHAM!'s Make It Big (May 14th)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (May 23rd)

Once Upon a Time in America (June 1st)

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (June 1st)

Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A. (June 4th)

Ghostbusters (June 8th)

Gremlins (June 8th)

The Karate Kid (June 22nd)

Prince's Purple Rain (June 25th)

Conan the Destroyer (June 29th)

The Last Starfighter (July 13th)

The Muppets Take Manhattan (July 13th)

The NeverEnding Story (July 20th)

The Adventures of Andre & Wally B. (July 25th)

Dragon's Lair (TV show) (September 8th)

Voltron (September 10th)

Muppet Babies (September 15th)

Miami Vice (September 16th)

The Transformers Franchise (September 17th)

Murder, She Wrote (September 30th)

Thomas & Friends (October 9th)

Fist of the North Star (anime) (October 11th)

"We Belong" by Pat Benatar (October 16th)

The Terminator (October 26th)

"Like a Virgin" by Madonna (October 31st)

A Nightmare on Elm Street (November 16th)

Supergirl (movie) (November 21st)

Beverly Hills Cop (December 5th)

Hydlide (December 13th)

Starman (December 14th)

Frankenweenie (December 14th)

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (December 19th)

The Country Bear Christmas Special (December 19th)

Anything from 1989 turns 35 this year. That includes-

The Arsenio Hall Show (January 3rd)

Gotham by Gaslight (February)

SimCity (February)

LJN's Friday the 13th for NES (February)

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (February 17th)

The Toxic Avenger Part II (February 24th)

"Like a Prayer" by Madonna (March 3rd)

Quantum Leap (March 26th)

The Jim Henson Hour (April 14th)

Ranma 1/2 (April 15th)

Pet Sematary (April 21st)

Nintendo's Super Mario Land (April 21st)

Tom Petty's Full Moon Fever (April 24th)

Dragon Ball Z (April 26th)

Disney's Hollywood Studios (formally Disney-MGM Studios) (May 1st)

Disney's Pleasure Island (May 1st)

The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (May 7th)

Konami's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for NES (May 12th)

Road House (May 19th)

"Bust a Move" by Young MC (May 22nd)

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (May 24th)

Typhoon Lagoon (June 1st)

Dead Poets Society (June 9th)

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (June 9th)

Tales from the Crypt (June 10th)

Ghostbusters II (June 16th)

Roger Rabbit in Tummy Trouble (June 23rd)

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (June 23rd)

Tim Burton's Batman (June 23rd)

The Karate Kid Part III (June 30th)

Do the Right Thing (June 30th)

Weekend at Bernie's (July 5th)

Seinfeld (July 5th)

Lethal Weapon 2 (July 7th)

When Harry Met Sally… (July 14th)

Splash Mountain (July 17th)

UHF (July 21st)

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (July 28th)

Kiki's Delivery Service (July 29th)

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (August 11th)

"Pump Up the Jam" by Technotronic (August 18th)

Saved by the Bell (August 20th)

"The Best" by Tina Turner (August 21st)

Little Monsters (August 25th)

LJN's Back to the Future on NES (September)

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (September 4th)

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! (September 4th)

American Gladiators (September 9th)

Captain N: The Game Master (September 9th)

Beetlejuice: The Animated Series (September 9th)

LJN's Who Framed Roger Rabbit for NES (September 14th)

Capcom's DuckTales for NES (September 14th)

Doogie Howser, M.D (September 19th)

Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 (September 19th)

Baywatch (September 22nd)

Family Matters (September 22nd)

Penn & Teller Get Killed (September 22nd)

Capcom's DuckTales for NES (October)

Neil Young's Freedom (October 2nd)

Prince of Persia for Apple II (October 3rd)

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (October 13th)

The Little Mermaid (November 17th)

All Dogs Go to Heaven (November 17th)

Prancer (November 17th)

Back to the Future Part II (November 22nd)

The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (November 24th)

America's Funniest Home Videos (November 26th)

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (December 1st)

The Wizard (December 15th)

The Simpsons (December 17th)

Konami's Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse on NES (December 22nd)

Fester's Quest for NES

Anything from 1994 turns 30 this year. That includes-

You're in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown (January 18th)

The Critic (January 26th)

Roger Rabbit's Cartoon Spin (January 26th)

"Baby, I Love Your Way" by Big Mountain (February 1st)

Green Day's Dookie (February 1st)

Sega's Sonic the Hedgehog 3 for Genesis (February 2nd)

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (February 4th)

Where on Earth Is Carmen Sandiego? (February 5th)

Aladdin: The Series (February 6th)

The Busy World of Richard Scarry (March 9th)

Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (March 18th)

Nintendo's Super Metroid for SNES (March 19th)

Food Rocks (March 26th)

Thumbelina (March 30th)

Final Fantasy VI (April 2nd)

Space Ghost Coast to Coast (April 15th)

All That (April 16th)

Doom II for MS-DOS (May 5th)

The Stand (May 8th)

Weezer's Blue Album (May 10th)

The Crow (May 13th)

The Return of Jafar and Disney Direct-to-Home Sequels as a whole (May 20th)

Beverly Hills Cop III (May 25th)

The Flintstones (May 27th)

Speed (June 10th)

The Lion King (June 15th)

Forrest Gump (July 6th)

Angels in the Outfield (July 15th)

True Lies (July 15th)

Black Beauty (July 29th)

The Mask (July 29th)

The Little Rascals (August 5th)

"Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex (August 12th)

EarthBound for SNES (August 27th)

VR Troopers (September 3rd)

Street Sharks (September 7th)

The Magic School Bus (September 10th)

The Tick (September 10th)

Quiz Show (September 14th)

Léon: The Professional (September 14th)

Tekken (September 21st)

Friends (September 22nd)

The Shawshank Redemption (September 23rd)

Ed Wood (September 27th)

Earthworm Jim (October)

Spider-Man's Infamous Clone Saga (October)

A Troll in Central Park (October 7th)

Pulp Fiction (October 14th)

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (October 14th)

Sega's Sonic & Knuckles for Genesis (October 18th)

Clerks (October 19th)

Aaahh!!! Real Monsters (October 22nd)

Gargoyles (October 24th)

Gullah Gullah Island (October 24th)

Killer Instinct (October 28th)

Mortal Kombat II (November)

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (November 4th)

In Search of Dr. Seuss (November 6th)

The Santa Clause (November 11th)

Rare's Donkey Kong Country for SNES (November 18th)

Miracle on 34th Street remake (November 18th)

Star Trek Generations (November 18th)

The Swan Princess (November 18th)

Spider-Man: The Animated Series (November 19th)

Disney's Greatest Hits on Ice (November 25th)

Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger (December 12th)

The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure (December 13th)

Dumb and Dumber (December 16th)

Richie Rich (December 21st)

Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book (December 25th)

Anything from 1999 turns 25 this year. That includes-

Ed, Edd n Eddy (January 4th)

Batman Beyond (January 10th)

The Sopranos (January 10th)

Jon Stewart becomes host of The Daily Show (January 11th)

Disney's All-Star Movies Resort (January 15th)

Nintendo's Super Smash Bros. for N64 (January 21st)

Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century (and a crap load of other Disney Channel Original movies for that matter) (January 23rd)

Zoboomafoo (January 25th)

"My Name Is" by Eminem (January 25th)

Family Guy (January 31st)

Square's Final Fantasy VIII for PS1 (February 11th)

The Planet's Funniest Animals (February 17th)

October Sky (February 19th)

Office Space (February 19th)

Konami's Silent Hill for PS1 (February 23rd)

Batman: No Man's Land (March)

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (March)

Pepsiman for PS1 (March 4th)

Test Trak (March 17th)

RollerCoaster Tycoon (March 22nd)

Doug's 1st (and only) Movie (March 26th)

"Livin' la Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin (March 27th)

The Matrix (March 31st)

"I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys (April 12th)

"What's My Age Again?" by blink-182 (April 13th)

Mickey Mouse Works (May 1st)

SpongeBob SquarePants (May 1st)

The Mummy (May 7th)

"Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera (May 11th)

Aliens Versus Predator (game) (May 13th)

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (May 19th)

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (ride) (June 4th)

Disney Sing Along Songs: Flik's Musical Adventure at Disney's Animal Kingdom (June 8th)

Smash Mouth's Astro Lounge and their hit "All Star" (June 8th)

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (June 11th)

Tarzan (June 18th)

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (June 30th)

Wild Wild West (June 30th)

American Pie (July 9th)

The Blair Witch Project (July 14th)

Muppets from Space (July 14th)

Eyes Wide Shut (July 16th)

Inspector Gadget (July 23rd)

Deep Blue Sea (July 28th)

Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith (July 29th)

The Iron Giant (August 6th)

The Sixth Sense (August 6th)

Rocket Power (August 16th)

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (the American version) (August 16th)

Dragon Tales (September 6th)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (September 20th)

The West Wing (September 22nd)

Capcom's Resident Evil 3: Nemesis for PS1 (September 22nd)

Freaks and Geeks (September 25th)

Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein (September 28th)

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater (September 29th)

Journey into YOUR Imagination (October 1st)

The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (October 1st)

Spider-Man Unlimited (October 2nd)

Scooby-Doo! and the Witch's Ghost (October 5th)

Fight Club (October 15th)

Namco's Pac-Man World (October 15th)

The Amanda Show (October 16th)

The Nuttiest Nutcracker (October 19th)

Grand Theft Auto 2 (October 22nd)

Ubisoft's Rayman 2: The Great Escape (October 29th)

Insomniac's Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage! for PS1 (November 2nd)

Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas (November 9th)

Courage the Cowardly Dog (November 12th)

Square's Chrono Cross for PS1 (November 18th)

Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow (November 19th)

Nintendo's Pokémon Gold and Silver for Gameboy Advance (November 21st)

Toy Story 2 (November 24th)

Fantasia 2000 (December 17th)

Stuart Little (December 17th)

Wakko's Wish (December 21st)

Man on the Moon (December 22nd)

Galaxy Quest (December 25th)

Asia at Disney's Animal Kingdom

Anything from 2004 turns 20 this year. That includes-

Winnie the Pooh: Un-Valentine's Day (January 6th)

Teacher's Pet: The Movie (January 16th)

The Butterfly Effect (January 23rd)

The Lion King 1 1/2 (February 9th)

50 First Dates (February 13th)

Power Rangers Dino Thunder (February 14th)

"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane (February 16th)

Clifford's Really Big Movie (February 20th)

Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures for Gamecube (March 18th)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (March 19th)

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (March 26th)

Home on the Range (April 2nd)

Danny Phantom (April 3rd) - Screw Butch Hartman, but this show still rocks!

Hellboy (April 2nd)

Ella Enchanted (April 9th)

Kill Bill: Volume 2 (April 16th)

Nintendo's Pikmin 2 for Gamecube (April 29th)

Super Size Me (May 7th)

Van Helsing (May 7th)

Shrek 2 (May 19th)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (May 31st)

Marvel Knights: Spider-Man (June)

DC's Identity Crisis (June)

Garfield: The Movie (June 11th)

Napoleon Dynamite (June 11th)

"My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne (June 14th)

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (June 18th)

Phil of the Future (June 18th)

The Notebook (June 25th)

Spider-Man 2 (June 30th)

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (July 9th)

"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson (July 19th)

Nintendo's Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door for Gamecube (July 22nd)

Catwoman (July 23rd)

The Bourne Supremacy (July 23rd)

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (July 30th)

Justice League Unlimited (July 31st)

Blue's Room (August 2nd)

Alien vs. Predator (film) (August 13th)

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (August 13th)

Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers (August 17th)

Brandy & Mr. Whiskers (August 21st)

The Batman (show) (September 11th)

Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide (September 12th)

Higglytown Heroes (September 13th)

Sly 2: Band of Thieves for PS2 (September 14th)

Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! (September 18th)

Star Wars: Battlefront (September 21st)

Green Day's American Idiot (September 21st)

Lost (September 22nd)

Shark Tale (October 1st)

Drew Carey's Green Screen Show (October 7th)

Surviving Christmas (October 22nd)

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (October 26th)

Saw (October 29th)

Insomniac's Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal for PS2 (November 2nd)

The Incredibles (November 5th)

Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas (November 9th)

Halo 2 (November 9th)

Naughty Dog's Jak 3 for PS2 (November 9th)

The Polar Express (November 10th)

The Sims 2 (November 14th)

Stitch's Great Escape (November 16th)

Turtle Talk with Crush (November 16th)

Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A.! (November 16th)

Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines (November 16th)

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (November 17th)

Half-Life 2 (November 18th)

National Treasure (November 19th)

Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi (November 19th)

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (November 19th)

Howl's Moving Castle (November 20th)

Nintendo DS (November 21st)

World of Warcraft (November 23rd)

Christmas with the Kranks (November 24th)

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II (December 6th)

Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories for Gameboy Advance (December 7th)

PlayStation Portable (PSP) (December 12th)

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (December 17th)

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (December 25th)

Shaun of the Dead

Anything from 2009 turns 15 this year. That includes-

Hotel for Dogs (January 16th)

Wolverine and the X-Men (January 23rd)

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (January 16th)

Coraline (February 6th)

Friday the 13th (remake) (February 13th)

Halo Wars (February 26th)

Sega's Sonic and the Black Knight for Wii (March 3th)

Capcom's Resident Evil 5 (March 5th)

Zack Snyder's Watchmen (March 6th)

Power Rangers RPM (March 7th)

Race to Witch Mountain (March 13th)

The Secret of Kells (March 19th)

Monsters vs. Aliens (March 27th)

Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (April 2009)

Special Agent Oso (April 4th)

Parks and Recreation (April 9th)

Dragonball Evolution (April 10th)

Iron Man: Armored Adventures (April 24th)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1st)

Plants vs. Zombies (May 5th)

Star Trek (remake) (May 8th)

Terminator Salvation (May 21st)

The Boys: The Sherman Brothers' Story (May 22nd)

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (May 22nd)

Up (May 29th)

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (June 1st)

The Sims 3 (June 2nd)

The Hangover (June 5th)

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings (June 9th)

"I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas (June 15th)

Ghostbusters: The Video Game (June 16th)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24th)

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July 1st)

"Fireflies" by Owl City (July 14th)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (July 15th)

G-Force (July 24th)

(500) Days of Summer (August 7th)

District 9 (August 14th)

The Time Traveler's Wife (August 14th)

Inglourious Basterds (August 21st)

Batman: Arkham Asylum (August 25th)

Rob Zombie's Halloween II (August 28th)

Disney buys Marvel for $4 billion (August 3st)

Waking Sleeping Beauty (September 6th)

Dinosaur Train (September 7th)

Walt & El Grupo (September 9th)

9 (September 9th)

The Vampire Diaries (September 10th)

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 (September 15th)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (September 18th)

Jennifer's Body (September 18th)

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (September 29th) - Still the dumbest name ever 15 years later.

Zombieland (October 2nd)

Where the Wild Things Are (October 16th)

Borderlands (October 20th)

DJ Hero (October 27th)

A Christmas Carol (November 6th)

Fanboy & Chum Chum (November 6th) - BOO! This show was the actual worst!

Fantastic Mr. Fox (November 13th)

Lego Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continues (November 17th)

Left 4 Dead 2 (November 17th)

Assassin's Creed II (November 17th)

Planet 51 (November 20th)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (November 20th) - YUK!

Turtles Forever (November 21st)

Big Time Rush (November 28th)

Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation! (December 6th)

Prep & Landing (December 8th)

The Princess and the Frog (December 11th)

Avatar (December 18th)

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (December 23rd)

RuPaul's Drag Race

Minecraft

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Anything from 2014 turns 10 this year. That includes-

True Detective (January 12th)

The Lego Movie (February 7th)

South Park: The Stick of Truth (March 4th)

Mr. Peabody & Sherman (March 7th)

The Grand Budapest Hotel (March 7th)

Dark Souls II (March 11th)

Muppets Most Wanted (March 21st)

Jim Henson's Creature Shop Challenge (March 25th)

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (April 4th)

Rio 2 (April 11th)

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (April 26th)

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (May 2nd)

Chef (May 9th)

Godzilla (May 16th)

X-Men: Days of Future Past (May 23rd)

Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (May 28th)

Maleficent (May 30th)

Edge of Tomorrow (June 6th)

The Fault in Our Stars (June 6th)

Phineas and Ferb Save Summer (June 9th)

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 13th)

Shovel Knight (June 26th)

Transformers: Age of Extinction (June 27th)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (July 11th)

Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie (July 21st)

Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars (July 26th)

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers's Hypnotic Eye (July 28th)

Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1st)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movie) (August 8th)

Five Nights at Freddy's (August 8th)

P.T. (August 12th)

BoJack Horseman (August 22nd)

Destiny (September 9th)

Gotham (September 22nd)

Disney Infinity: 2.0 Edition (September 23rd)

Black-ish (September 24th)

How to Get Away with Murder (September 25th)

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks (September 27th)

Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor (September 20th)

Star Wars Rebels (October 3rd)

Annabelle (October 3rd)

Gone Girl (October 3rd)

Alien: Isolation (October 6th)

The Flash (October 7th)

BİRDMAN or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (October 17th)

The Book of Life (October 17th)

John Wick (October 24th)

Taylor Swift's 1989 (October 27th)

Sunset Overdrive (October 28th)

Interstellar (November 5th)

Big Hero 6 (November 7th)

Assassin's Creed Unity (November 11th)

Far Cry 4 (November 18th)

Penguins of Madagascar (November 28th)

Toy Story That Time Forgot (December 2nd)

Peter Pan Live! (December 4th)

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (December 17th)

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (December 19th)

Wow, that took forever to type. Chances are I missed something, so if something you enjoy is hitting a major milestone this year, leave it in the comments below!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[clarktooncrossing]

Yeah, I’m with Gaiman on this.

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW!

IT'S ME, CLARK!

For the last twelve years peeps have asked me if I was opened to commissions. I had only offered services like that once, resulting in a weird transformation comic where some dude gets turned into a sexy duck. Hey, guy's gotta pay for pizza somehow, folks. Especially when Pizza Monster keeps stealing mine! At this rate I should stop spending my moola on deep-dish and use it to fortify my home. Luckily I might be able to do so now, thanks to all of you out there! For you see, it was during those twelve years that a few of you kept coming back to my deviantART page to see what crazy new things the Clarktoons and I were up to. Whether it was to see how many characters I could cram into one Sketch BOOM, hear my thoughts regarding Christmas Specials in Giraffe's Eye View, or simply to witness whatever cute crap Bumper was up to, 500 of you weirdos liked whatever I was doing. I couldn't be more grateful to those 500 peeps. I've always said my purpose in life was to make people happy, so knowing I've done so for that many people helps remind me that I'm doing something right. You all are truly the best and there's nothing I could do to express my immense appreciation. Or is there? A few of you may recall my promising something whenever I reached that many followers. While I've been distracted with my recent hacking incident or preparing for the upcoming Holiday seasons, I didn't forget about said promise. At long last, I have opened myself up to commissions! If anybody out there wants me to draw some silly silly, I'm ready to do so [within reason]. Details and prices will be posted in a journal sometime soon, but for now let's get to a commission paid for by my friend The Bargain Bin Hobo.

Horrible things hide in the dark. Be that the darkness of the woods outside your cabin door or the darkest corners of your own subconscious. From these blackened pools come creatures with little regard to those puny fleshbags known as humans. People don't matter to either of them. All that counts are the amount of bodies dropped. It's like a sick contest. Who can acquire the higher fatality rate? How quickly can they murder every hapless, horny teenager in sight? Which of the slashers reigns supreme: Hobo Voorhees or Freddy Dudeler? Doesn't really matter either way. No matter who wins, we all lose! It's nothing but a sick game. One developed my LGN if their colors are any indication.

I know what you're thinking: Clark, this is a perfect picture for Halloween! Of course it is, silly! When Hobo first approached me to make this particular pic, saving it for Christmas Day was the obvious option. After all, it's not like I wanted to post this for his birthday or Halloween or anything. Nah, that would've been stupid and made actual sense. Saving this poster depicting a battle between two undead serial killers for the day most associated with the birth of Christ makes way more sense. I'm an idiot. Still, I'm an idiot who made a decent poster-style picture anyway. Hobo approached me with this commission specifically asking for the two monsters to be given their NES color scheme. Foolishly he wasn't very specific beyond that, hence why his Jason is based on the one from Part 6. What can I say, the belt and glove look is dope. Drawing the dual dueling monsters itself was easy, taking me two days to finish. The hard part was the background. I suuuuuck at drawing those, having to use some Illustrator trickeries to pull this off. Hopefully my perspective skills improve in the future. For now, I hope you all enjoy this as much as Hobo did! Have a Happy Christmas devoid of machetes or murder gloves! 

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW!

IT'S ME, CLARK!

For the last twelve years peeps have asked me if I was opened to commissions. I had only offered services like that once, resulting in a weird transformation comic where some dude gets turned into a sexy duck. Hey, guy's gotta pay for pizza somehow, folks. Especially when Pizza Monster keeps stealing mine! At this rate I should stop spending my moola on deep-dish and use it to fortify my home. Luckily I might be able to do so now, thanks to all of you out there! For you see, it was during those twelve years that a few of you kept coming back to my deviantART page to see what crazy new things the Clarktoons and I were up to. Whether it was to see how many characters I could cram into one Sketch BOOM, hear my thoughts regarding Christmas Specials in Giraffe's Eye View, or simply to witness whatever cute crap Bumper was up to, 500 of you weirdos liked whatever I was doing. I couldn't be more grateful to those 500 peeps. I've always said my purpose in life was to make people happy, so knowing I've done so for that many people helps remind me that I'm doing something right. You all are truly the best and there's nothing I could do to express my immense appreciation. Or is there? A few of you may recall my promising something whenever I reached that many followers. While I've been distracted with my recent hacking incident or preparing for the upcoming Holiday seasons, I didn't forget about said promise. At long last, I have opened myself up to commissions! If anybody out there wants me to draw some silly silly, I'm ready to do so [within reason]. Details and prices will be posted in a journal sometime soon, but for now let's get to a commission paid for by my friend YoungSamurai18.

Some peeps need larger than life trees covered with red and white baubles from tip to trunk. Others need a bountiful banquet spread across a long table shared by a sizable crowd. There are even some who insist there be a dozen and five presents placed perfectly under the tree. Not Zhizhun and Geriel. All these two bodacious wrestling babes are a small tree, some tacky sweaters, and and each other. Even then, they couldn't resist giving each other presents.

Hey look, a commission that actually fits the Holiday season! What a wild concept, eh? This one was a last minute idea by Young for a friend he streams with. The two play a lot of WWE a lot yet somehow had sparce references for the two characters, go figure. Either way, drawing them both in the Clarktoon style was fun, especially since I think I've gotten better at drawing humans and weird poses. Drawing peeps sitting is still a challenge, but the end result here looks pretty good. As does the minimalist background, based partially on my own home. There's not a lot to say about this sketch otherwise, so here's hoping you enjoyed it as much as Young and his friend did. Or as much as Geriel enjoys her new blades. The best gift of all: dangerous weapons! >8D

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT IS I, SANTA CLARK! Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps this festive slice of cheer from the Clarktoons will!

Let's make like The Ghost of Christmas Past and rewind back to 2014. Folks were suffering from Frozen Fever, both as a result of the movie and the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. That year also saw Jimmy Fallon take over The Tonight Show after Leno stepped away for real this time, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 swung low while the Guardians of the Galaxy aimed high, people still cared about Kanye and Kim's relationship as if either people are worth your attention, Bill Cosby was outed as the horrible monster that he is, and most importantly of all, I initiated the 12 Days of Christmas event. Yes, clearly that's as major a moment as those other things I mentioned. Starting December 14th I would post a new pic or comic everyday leading up 'til Christmas. Our first year saw the Pizza Bites writing their oddball letters to Santa (with help from Mr-Herp-Derp), Crocie visualizing his perfect yuletide, and even a full length action comic starring me as a seasonal superhero. And in case anybody asks: no, the Holiday Knight isn't coming back. Sadly, neither will the 12 Days at this rate. Despite my continued best efforts, this festive event hasn't been able to return ever since 2020. Blame that on the last four months of every year becoming an increasingly busy time for. Should the choice arise, I will always pick spending the season with my family over drawing. Weird to hear, I know. Still, that's not to say I haven't been hard at work. You can tell I have considering this giant page of sketches I found lingering in Clarktoon Christmas limbo. Thus we have Dumpster DUDELZ: Regifted Edition! Let's take a peak to what's waiting under the tree?

[1] KARL THE KRAMPUS People credit that crummy 2015 horror movie for introducing Krampus into the popular culture. To that I say; you're all wrong! Clearly I did that a year earlier with my own character, Karl. Being a Clarktoon take on a German folk monster, naturally he became a big, bumbling goofball envisioned to have the voice of Richard Kind. It also meant he encountered Croc's Swamp Gang the most, Xena and Bumper especially. After years of the two (or at least Xena) tormenting the fluffy demon, it was time for a facelift. Honestly this design is a drastic upgrade over the original, making Karl more monstrous while not losing his approachability. Cuz only in the Clarktooniverse will you meet a cuddly monster who drags naughty children of to hell. XD

[2] NUTCRACKER: REB00TED CAST Nutcracker freak'n sucks! I have made my opinions regarding this boring ballet no secret over the years. For crying out loud, I compared going to see it to the Five Stages of Death. Nothing against anybody who does enjoy it, just don't count me among your masses. Getting me to like adaptations lacking Mickey and Minnie is a challenge. Then again, I enjoy a good challenge. While contemplating what I would do with the story one year, an ad for Matrix: Resurrections dropped onto YouTube. After seeing it I thought: what if the world of Nutcracker was set within the Matrix? Hence we have Nutracker: REB00TED! I plan to diverge more plot details later, but for now you can at least meet our cast. Starting from left to right we have Prince Leon, the Nutcracker Prince who's grasp on reality is slipping. Helping to guide him is the Count Drosselmyer, turned into Love-A-Lot Larry Beary. Don't let his cuddly facade fool you, he will whoop yo' @$$! Alongside his niece Clara, the badass ballerina determined to rescue her beloved and free the kingdom from the evil Rat King! What does the king look like? Good things come to those who wait...

[3] ROSIE MEETS THE HOGFATHER Any excuse to draw Rosie Stardust is an awesome one! Even if the sketch is last minute like this one. During the Holiday season last year this random little idea sprung into mind of Rosie exploring Christmas contemporaries across the multiverse. This would include Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Hearth's Warming Eve, Life Day, and of course Hogswatch. Anyone familiar to the works of Terry Pratchett will recognize the name. Just like those esteemed few will also recognize the mini-Claus counterpart the Cosmic Cutie's encountered. It's not the Hogfather she was expecting, but she will gladly take it!

[4] WILBUR'S PLASTIC TREE You'd think a collection of coupons would be the easiest to complete. Just like you'd think the monkeys would stop flying out of my butt at some point. Nope, that ain't happening. Blame it on my nitpicky attention to details, otherwise Wilbur's White Elephants coupons are already a third of the way done. In fact, the sketch here is already fully colored just waiting to be posted. Being the cheap sonuv'a bush he is, Wilbur naturally won't go for a natural Christmas tree, instead opting for plastic. No, the other kind of plastic. The kind that'll guarantee some poor tree manufacturer in Hoboken will get an angry phone call from an irate store manager. And in case you're wondering what he sounds like, my ideal voice actor is Daran Norris doing his Jameson voice from Spectacular Spider-Man!

[5-7] REDESIGNS FOR RANDOLF, CUPID, AND ZED My, here's a jolly trio that haven't been seen in a good while. Probably because I keep wanting to give them better designs! This is an itch I can't ever seem to scratch! Since I've listed all three of them together, let's go over each character:

RANDOLF: The cocky but caring step-brother of a certain red-nosed reindeer, Randolf hosts the famous North Pole 1 radio show alongside his bear buddy Zed whenever not hosting the even more famous Reindeer Games. Out of all the characters, Randolf is the one who's design if the toughest to crack. I want him to look young, but not super young. Think early to mid 30s if you will. It'd probably help if I could pin down a potential voice for him. Sam Rockwell is the top contender in my mind.

CUPID: Following some messy drama between princessofDisney27 of Disney and I, the original version of Cupid was thrown out and reworked from the top down. With an extreme hairstyle I 'borrowed' from MLP and an athlete's need for speed, Cupid lives up to her namesake who first pulled Santa's sleigh years ago. No idea on who would voice her if I could afford it.

ZED: Raised by gay penguins on a diet of Polar Cola and smooth jazz, Zed is a laid back bear with a beach comber's attitude.  So long as wherever he is has a heater and is populated by his buddies, Zed will go with wherever the flow will take him. His design is the easiest, being a polar bear in a Hawaiian shirt. One of these days I wanna draw him with his two penguin papas too, but for now we at least have the bear. Again, not sure who I'd have voice him.

[8] BUMPER'S A STAR! A sad truth about my Christmas tree is that I can never put a star on top of it. Everything we've tried is too top heavy. For the longest time I meant to make one featuring everybody's favorite floating marshmallow, finally following through on this desire this year. I made a shape template in Illustrator, drew the front and back of Bumper around it, colored it all in Illustrator, printed both sides out and glued them together. I would've just printed both sides on one sheet of paper, but printers are evil devices meant to torture mankind as a whole. I hate them! But I love this tree topper! ^^

[9] PANICKED TURKEY It's a shame Panicked Turkey didn't get to come out of hibernation this year. Especially when I had some good ideas for tips involving Canon Events, certain cartoon rodents, time traveling, dragons, and Rosie. Chances are I'll be able to use these ideas again in the future, but for now I just wanted to post something with the cowardly bird. So here's the sketch detailing his redesign from last year. Like Karl, this is another change I really like, PT feeling more expressive than he previously was. Hopefully we'll get to see this design in action again next year!

[10] I'll Have a BOO Christmas Without You ...I'm not even sorry! XD

[11] ALIENS OF THE ROCKAPOCALYPSE! Hey look, more characters you haven't seen in forever! This is Phil, the Clarktooniverse's resident one-eyed rockstar from outer space. Back in the day I used to do mock album covers for Christmas, Phil's girlfriend Yezzi standing in for Mariah Carey on one particularly great one that still holds up. Sadly there's only so many iconic Holiday CD covers you can do that aren't just the same generic 'things coming out of a box' design. Heck, it's why the last one of these I did was based on a Manowar album. That following year would've seen an all-new, totally original creation depicting Phil and Yezzi rocking around a dried out Christmas tree in a Nuclear Winter Wonderland. Sadly the full sketch was never realized, save for Phil's rocker gear here. Worse still, these characters have been retired until I can iron out the finer details of their story. Once I do, expect the ultimate comeback tour from the Aliens of the Rock! Just in time for the yuletide / end of the world!

[12] PANICKED WHO? What turkey? I don't see any turkey. All I see is this friendly induvial with a mustache! One who was just drawn randomly with no other intent behind it. Totally. XD

[13] KREEPY KRAMPUS Once upon a time I was able to complete entire comic storylines before Christmas. That couldn't be said for this one comic where Bumper and Xena both try to buy each other Christmas gifts, each of them going after different notable Christmas creatures to pay for them. Bumper would've gone after the wild Nog while Xena would've picked a more frightful foe: the Krampus! This image of the German monster is what she'd find while searching for information online, my intent to be truer to the original folklore than my usual interpretation. It would've made Karl's inevitable appearance that much funnier. Part of me still wants to see this comic fully realized someday. Until then; let this haunt your nightmares!

[14] ANGELICIA, THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON Remember earlier when I mentioned a comic centered around me as a Holiday hero? The one I will never bring back? Part of that idea involved a literal spirit of the season named Angelicia, an adopted sister of sorts to Finjix's own character Aklamos. Both of us have tweaked and upgraded her overall appearance over the years, this being her last for an intended Sketch BOOM that was scrapped. I really should use this character again, the question is for what?

[15] A TURKEY DINNER TO GO! Like I said, there was once a Holiday Sketch BOOM that was never completed. This Panicked Turkey sketch is one of the few things to survive from it. Ignoring how this design was pre-2022 makeover, I still think this silly little pic is hilarious! Next Thanksgiving I'll make sure to remake this in full color!

[16] THE NOG Along with Karl, the Nog has become a seasonal staple of the Clarktooniverse. For years mankind has wondered where the eggs for Eggnog have come from. Some silly saps think they come out of chickens, but we all know that's a lie! Obviously the eggs come courtesy of the wild, North American Nog! These rambunctious creatures hail in the colder climates, sticking primarily to the North States where they graze on wild berries, tree bark, and rare flowers. Whenever it's not foraging for food it's fending off wild predators, displaying its tusks for potential mates, running for Congress, or raising their young. That is, the young that actually get to hatch. Good luck drinking that next ice-cold cup knowing the Nog is 100% real and you're feasting on what could've been one of its young you sick monster!

[17-18] TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE DOVES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves! Heroes for the Holidays! BIRDY POWER! Back in 2019 I made a silly little parody of the Ninja Turtles based on the beloved Christmas carol "The 12 Days of Christmas". Was it an extremally obvious joke to make? Yes. Does my earlier pun prove I will stoop to such lows? Heck yes! Thus these two goofy characters were born and eventually given the names Currier and Ives by AnimatedTigerGirl. Currier is the one with the bo staff on the left. At home he's a easy-going party animal, but in the field he's a dedicated leader fighting to keep his family safe. Next to him is the nunchuck-wielding Ives, a hot-tempered brainiac with a big heart. Together the two must save their mother, face the 10 Evils of Christmas, and help out their new human friend Ash.

Standing in for their April O'Neal is Ash, one of their few human friends who helps her fine-feathered friends move about New York. Since this story is set during the 90s, she's naturally a skate-boarding tomboy ready to prove to her dad that she's more capable than given credit for. That chance comes suddenly when her father is abducted by the Partridge Crime Family and their ten specifically themed assassins. Now Ash must rescue her dad alongside these two magically enhanced bird-themed ninjas. Y'know, that old chestnut!

[19] SHORT-E AND SHER-I Dang, it's been a while since these two were seen either. I'm sensing a pattern here. At leas these designs have held up the best. Heck, they look especially good in their winter ensemble. SHORT-E wears basic gloves and a jamaica while SHER-I went shopping with EMIL-E to get fancier gloves and a beret! SLAY, QUEEN!

[20] SNOW CONIE MEETS THE NOG Yes, another refuge from the scrapped Sketch BOOM. This one featuring the unofficial mascot of the Sketch BOOMs, the Snow Conies! Or at least one, facing down the angry snout of a mother Nog. I envision these creatures having the temperament of wild hogs, much to the misfortune of this innocent sentient dessert!

[21] SIR PANICKED TURKEY, THE CANADIAN! Along with redesigning this cowardly bird, I also made a special bonus Panicked Turkey tip for Canadian Thanksgiving. It was very last second, going through a few iterations before settling on the final idea. Before then the plan was to either have PT surrounded by angry canucks with guns in a style similar to the John Wick posters or the giant chicken disguising himself as a Mounty, not yet realizing he'll find no peace in the Great White North. Ultimately both were dropped in favor or one menacing Mounty looming over the frightened fowl, which I thought wouldn't work until I saw the final product. Funny how that works, innit? Still, what about the entre in shining armor? That has to do with an idea I mentioned earlier, but I dare not spoil the surprise further than that. Like I mentioned, said idea can be reused for next year. So when Turkey Day rears its ugly head, Sir Turkey turned tail and fled!

[22] UGLY SWEATERS, TROPICAL WEATHER Yet again another idea I hope to bring back, though slightly modified. Originally the plan was to make Ugly Sweater pin-ups for the couples (or friends) of 3K with my friends Finjix and @burningthrucelluloid. This one was the only one sketched before Alec lost his Adobe art programs that would've allowed him to help in this project. Even then, my nitpicky attention to details got the better of me again and too much time was wasted attempting to draw the other pics. All we got out of this failed collaboration were Nerva and her buddy Weed Eater in their Hawaiian-style sweaters, the latter not happy about his situation. He was even depicted eating the sweater and partridge at one point. Who would've guessed the living Christmas tree would be a humbug?

[23-24] CROCZILLA VS TURDUCKEN When I released by Terror of the Turducken posters back in 2020, peeps said they would totally pay to see that movie. Hopefully the same can be said for its sequel, an epic clash between the titular Turducken and the colossal Croczilla! Why are they fighting? Who cares, it's two giant monsters beating the stuffing out'a each other! No doubt the posted to go with this creature feature would've been a legendary one! At least had it not been for my nitpicky attention to details. Plenty of poster designs were drawn up, including this one that was inspired by the then-current Godzillva vs Kong posters. Perhaps I can recycle this idea next year when the sequel comes out and the two fight another giant monkey. Until then, feel free to place your bets on which of these festive Kaijus come out on top!

And if you're rooting for the Turducken, enjoy this redesign of the character where each of its heads feel more distinct. Hey, if nothing else it's cooler to look at than another freak'n ape.

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT IS I, SANTA CLARK! Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps this festive look into the life of a Clarktoon will!

Having traversed the infinitude of time and space means Rosie has come into contact with many celebrations. Yet it’s Christmas that continues to fascinate her. Not to say she doesn’t love Hanukkah, Bahdi Day, or Diwali. All Holidays are equal in her wide-eyes. It’s just that Christmas comes with a message of being kind to all people and continuing to do so throughout the year. A message the good-natured cosmic cutie takes to heart whenever exploring new galaxies. Plus it helps that said galaxies have their own version of this Holiday, albeit with different names. Most of them even come with their own Santa Claus, Rosie having met most of them after discovering the multiversal Counsel of Clauses. Hoping to see one of their members put something under her tree this year, Rosie traveled to the dimension of eternal yuletide to find herself a tree and decorate it! Though she may have gone a tad overboard with the topper…

Using a real star for Rosie’s tree topper was an idea too cute / funny not to pass up. Not that it didn’t take me a few attempts to get here. First there was the tree itself. Going with a traditional pine tree was not an option. Rosie could travel across different dimensions, why settle for such an average, boring plant? Naturally she’d go with something more visually splendid, like this Calvorus plant that just so happens to be tree shaped. After that were the ornaments. My first idea was to make’m look like atoms, but it never came out right no matter what technique I tried. Then I thought I could make them miniature planets, but I figured that’d take too much focus away from Rosie and her star. Hence why in the end I went for regular round ornaments with a bizarre pattern. Finally there was Rosie and the star, both of which had their own challenges. In terms of the star, I was afraid my sketch wouldn’t translate well into digital. As you can see, those worries were misplaced. Same thing happened with Rosie, since I decided to have her wrap around the tree with her cosmic tail that @zerna added when she drew the character for a commission. Honestly, I don’t think I did as good a job as the insane invader did, but overall I’m very pleased with how this pic turned out. I hope you all enjoy this too and remember not to use real stars for your trees!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the fourteenth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

One of my oldest memories is watching Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas with my family every year when I was younger. Little Clark always got excited when his mom popped that tape into the VCR. There was always something so magical about this movie that drew me in each December. If nothing else it was one of the few highlights in Disney’s direct-to-video catalog. Much as I could complain about the follow ups to The Little Mermaid, Mulan, or Brother Bear, I’d gladly take any of these turds over the live-action remakes any day. Especially when said sequels exceeded expectations every so often. This festive anthology is such an example. Honestly, it's a wonder why I haven’t talked about it until now. Thank goodness the totally tubular Tiger (AnimatedTigerGirl) gave me an excuse to do so. Without any further ado, let’s see what awaits us under the tree.

Nestled neatly beneath an immaculate evergreen are three special presents; a boat, a teddy bear, and a miniature sleigh. Each represents an original short, the first being Donald Duck: Stuck on Christmas. Actually, putting the foul-tempered foul’s name in the title is a bit misleading since the story actually focuses on Huey, Dewey, and Louie (Russi Taylor). Like most kids on Christmas, they wake up early to eagerly tear into the presents, ignore their relatives in favor of playing with their new toys, then end the day by pigging out on a traditional turkey dinner. Wait, turkey?! Good lord, they’re cannibals! Between this and Woodstock from A Charlie Brown Christmas, my current theory is that all animated avifauna are anthropologists! Seriously, why is this a recurring trend in media? Another common cliche utilized is wishing upon a star, the boys begging for Christmas everyday. You fools! This is a Disney movie, doing that’s actually effective here! And unlike Timmy Turner or Elmo, these birdbrains end up with the same exact Christmas. It’s like Groundhog Day, minus the suicide montage. Instead we get Uncle Donald (Tony Anselmo) butchering breakfast, sloppy kisses from Aunt Gertie (Tress MacNeille), and Scrooge (Alan Young) singing hoaky carols on the piano. Give the geezer a break boys, these three ghosts gave him a hard time about being a humbug. No carols equals chains for the rest of his afterlife. Whether that’d be worse than experiencing the same day on loop is up for debate. Either way the boys quickly become bored getting stuck in a constant rerun. Not even adding their typical brand of mischief helps, so eventually they elect to plan a perfect Christmas for everybody. They even sacrifice the sleds gifted from Donald to craft him a crude one-man boat. A boat that falls apart almost immediately. Like the song says, he gets stuck with all the bad luck. Overall, Stuck on Christmas is fine, if not a tad repetitive. You’ve seen this type of tale told a million times before and know exactly what to expect. It’s not bad by any means, a lot of the jokes landing perfectly. Still, out of the three plots presented, this is the weakest one.

Fortunately A Very Goofy Christmas makes up for that! Max (Shaun Fleming) is confronted by a conflict of faith when his neighbor Pete (Jim Cummings) declares that Santa isn’t real. Pete, this is exactly why Peg packed up and left with the kids! How can you shatter a child’s dreams like that? Oh right, cuz like Yamai Ren and Lord Zedd, you have a permanent place on the Naughty List. Serves you right for kidnapping Minnie for all those years. Still, his words sting Max, much to the dismay of his father Goofy (Bill Farmer). Like always he’s the best cartoon dad, comforting his son as best he can while also providing a hot meal for his struggling neighbors. Y’know, whenever he’s not wrecking a mall or burning his butt. The absurdity of Goofy escaping a giant ornament Indiana Jones style balances out nicely with the drama centered around his son’s dilemma. It all comes to a boil when Max catches his pop pretending to be Santa, prompting the dippy dog to prove that the festive fatman isn’t a fake. All of his attempts fail, even sending him flailing off the roof. By then Max doesn’t care, just wanting his old man to smile again. Thus he turns the tables and dresses up like Kris Kringle to fool his father, nearly falling off the roof himself. In the end they embrace, happy that they have each other regardless of whether Santa exists or not. Given this is a cartoon produced by Disney though, Saint Nick naturally shows up to give Max a snowboard before burying Pete’s house in snow. A perfect ending to my favorite segment. Granted, Goofy is one of my all time favorite characters, so I might be biased here. Still, having been harassed over my own belief in Santa makes this story very relatable to me. The fact that Goofy nearly catches pneumonia trying to convince his son that there’s still magic in the world hits me right in the feels. Out of these three plotlines, this one’s easily the best.

In a close second is our last segment, Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi. Both Mickey (Wayne Allwine) and Minnie (Taylor) are dreaming of giving each other the perfect present. Problem is neither of them have any money. A relatable conundrum if ever there was one. Each of them try to earn more at their crappy jobs, Mickey working for Pete as his tree lot while Minnie wraps packages at a department store. Sadly the former gets fired for helping a family find a cheaper tree as opposed to his boss’s ridiculously overpriced ten-footers. Again Pete, you should know better. What family actually wants a tree that tall? Asides from the Griswolds, I mean. Imagine the hassle trying to decorate the darn thing. I say as if he cares. Pete’s so furious he steals Mickey’s tips, which I’m pretty sure is illegal. Though the blow heart's gonna need that money after he sets his forest on fire. Maybe now that family can afford those ten footers! Things aren’t much better for Minnie, her boss Mortimer (Jeff Bennett) giving her a fruitcake as a bonus. Minnie proceeds to loudly declare him to be a heartless, brainless, dickless, fatass piece of monkey shit. Hallelujah! She then walks home with a fruitcake, no job, and in need of Tylenol. Left with no other options, both give up what they value most in order to give the other a gift, a scene that’s as sweet as it sounds. Adding to the cuteness is Wayne and Russi’s performance as the duo, the two having actually been married in real life. It’s killing me with cuteness! The only reason I don’t consider this the best of the lot is because of the admittedly simplistic story. Goofy trying to catch Claus was just more compelling to me. Regardless, Gift of the Magi is the perfect conclusion to this trilogy of shorts. That is if all the characters didn’t come together to sing a medley of merry tunes.

Here’s how you can tell someone watched something way too often: when they can sing along to the SheDAISY rendition of “Deck the Halls" that plays over the credits. Like I said, this was a seasonal staple in my house when I was younger and still is to this day. The same sadly can’t be said for Mickey’s Twice Upon a Christmas, but that’s a story for another day. For now, I hope I’ve expressed just how much this movie fills me with joy! It’s made so many wonderful memories for my family and I over the years. Just like I hope it will with my children, and their children, and their children after that. Regardless of what you watch this year, go make some memories with the people you love.

But seriously though, NO MORE NUTCRACKERS!

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[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | From All Of Us to All Of You

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Being a Disney fan today is hard. The parks have been ravaged, their films flop on arrival, their continued downplaying of animation is annoying, and don’t even get me started on how they handled this year’s Writer / Actor Strike. Not to say there’s no diamonds hidden in the rough every now and again, but for the most part the buzzards running the Mouse House believe in profits not pixie dust. Worse, they have forgotten the most crucial ingredient to any creative undertaking: risk. Go big or go home, make a splash or stay dry, spending money makes money. Perhaps no one knew this better than Walt Disney himself. The man mortgaged his home to finance Snow White, nearly drove his company to bankruptcy to build Disneyland, and embraced television when the rest of Hollywood cowered in fear of it. He understood that television could be a powerful marketing tool that could help his brand grow in the long haul. Ironic, innit? Uncle Walt became a beloved figure through the small screen, hosting the Disneyland series and making a brief appearance at the opening from From All Of Us to All Of You. Premiering in 1958, the seasonal special proved so popular that it airs along with a sampling of various shorts to this day in other countries. Including Sweden, home to the rambunctious robotroll SIM-N (Finjix), himself having fond memories of watching it with his family. Being a classic Disney fan myself, I was actually eager to see if the hype the malicious machine was peddling was valid.

A pity it’s not on Disney+! First the Star Wars Holiday special, then Snowed in at the House of Mouse, and now this!? You advertised everything would be on there, Bobby Boi. What gives!? Thankfully where you fail, the Internet succeeds! Let’s just say I found a copy well archived on a specific site. It also had One Hour in Wonderland, Walt’s original Holiday offering from 1950. Sadly it was nothing special, just the Magic Mirror from Snow White showing clips from several projects to Kathryn Beaumont, Bobby Driscoll, Edgar Burgen and his iconic puppet pals. Aside from Walt’s daughters Diane and Sharon making a brief cameo, this trip to Wonderland is only notable for how many times it promotes Coca Cola. Man, is anybody else thirsty for a Sunkist?

Let’s pop a cold one and we can check out From All Of Us together! 

Walt, now the same size as Tinkerbell, welcomes us to the program. He wishes everyone at home a Merry Christmas before  turning things over to the real musical Masters of Ceremony; Jiminy Cricket (Cliff Edwards) and Mickey Mouse. Together on piano the cartoon celebrities sing a rousing rendition of The Little Drummer Boy mixed with Peace on Earth! Or rather Jiminy just shows off his collection of Christmas cards. Each card cues up a segment from a beloved animated feature that’ll already has or will be unnecessarily rebooted in live-action. Which features depend on the version you're watching, this recreation including Bambi, Peter Pan, Cinderella, Pinocchio, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, along with two additional short films, Toy Tinkerers and Santa’s Workshop. The former features famous foul Donald Duck (Clarence Nash) comically dueling against Chip and Dale in toy warfare, the latter showing Santa prepping at the Pole for his annual sleigh ride. It also features an unfortunate bit of blackface, something I hope is cut from reruns. At least they didn’t show an entire segment from Song of the South like One Hour did. Remember folks, Disney’s most controversial film was once endorsed by Coca-Cola!

Overall, From All Of Us is decent blend of Holiday warmth and Disney magic, a warm cup of cocoa laced with a pleasant amount of pixie dust. However, I feel like it’s unnecessary in this modern age. Call me crazy, but why watch this clip show when I’ve seen these movies in their entirety via VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, or streaming? For SIM-N, the answer is comforting nostalgia. While I might see it as regifted film scenes with barely any new material, SIM-N sees it as an excuse to get together with his family and watch the moments that made us realize magic was real. Knowing that makes this special a yuletide treasure in my book. Still, if you want some comforting Christmas capers centered around Mickey Mouse, I can do you one better. Or should I say three better?

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[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | A Muppet Christmas Carol

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Jim Henson was dead, to begin with. In life he was a storyteller, bringing life to the felt friends from Sesame Street and The Muppet Show to delight audiences around the world. He was also a director, creating fabulous new fairy tales in the form of The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. Not too shabby for a guy who didn’t think he could build a career off of puppets. With Kermit on his arm the world would know Jim as an artist, optimist, visionary, innovator, comedian, winner of the Best Beard Award, and friend. When he died, the rest of the world wept tears. The same could sadly not be said for Richard Hunt, the company’s first openly gay puppeteer who had provided life to roles such as Scooter, Beaker, and Sweetums the Ogre. Yet these losses were felt by the caring colleagues they left behind. So when they were approached by Walt Disney Studios to produce their own take on A Christmas Carol, all of them sought to prove that life continued after death. With Jim’s son Brian acting as first time director, did they succeed?

Considering two of my own friends wanted me to review A Muppet Christmas Carol, I’d say that’s a resounding yes. Heck, I’m surprised it was only Hobo and Young (YoungSamurai18) who wanted me to assess this adaptation, everybody and their grandmother loves talking about it. Still, I didn’t want to deny Hobo the chance to contribute to this special, so I convinced the geeky, gaming gecko to pick Power Rangers instead. Jee, thanks for selecting something of equal quality. That left the wrestle-maniac wide open to pile-drive his pick right into my skull. At last, I’m free to sing this picture’s praises to the high heavens! Nothing can stop me from cementing this cinematic classic as the seasonal staple that it is! From the highest mountains I can shout that this is the greatest thing in the history of the-

Yeah, I think it's okay.

Assuming all of you haven’t left by now, let me explain. None of this comes from a hatred of Henson, as I hope the opening made clear. In fact, I love the Muppets. Their show would play on a constant loop in my house whenever I wasn’t watching the original Muppet Movie, which happens to be one of my all-time favorite films. Both it and this movie were scripted by Jerry Juhl, a man I believe knew these characters better than even Jim did. That same understanding is shown here too since every character is cast as the perfect counterpart from the book. Kermit the Frog (Steve Whitmire) unsurprisingly portrays Bob Cratchet with Miss Piggy (Frank Oz) acting as his wife. 'Acting' being the keyword here. No doubt Kermit kept reminding her that their marital bond was fake only for Piggy to bring up the wedding from Muppets Take Manhattan. Joining these two is Robin (Jerry Nelson) as Tiny Tim and three original characters standing in for their kids. If you thought adult Piggy was a handful, wait ‘til you meet her identical twin daughters. Her genes must’ve karate-chopped the crap out’a her husband’s! 

If that all wasn’t amazing enough, we have Fozzie (Oz) as Fozziwig, a pun so perfect I’m convinced the entire film was made around it. His normal hecklers, Statler and Waldorf, also fill in the roles of double Marleys magnificently. I could go on, but I know you’re all waiting for me to mention the actual best part of this movie: Gonzo the Great (Dave Goelz) as Charles Dickens! Oh my gosh, that is too amazing for words! You can keep Dan Stevens, this little blue weirdo is the definitive on-screen Dickens. People already loved Gonzo before this flick, but now? He may as well be the main Muppet! Every time he’s on screen narrating the story or interacting with Rizzo (Whitmire) you’re glued to his every word. You can tell he’s loving simply being here and that enthusiasm is infectious! That alone makes this movie worth a watch.

Still, what would Mr. Dickens's story be without ghosts? Here it was decided to produce new puppets for the parts in place of choosing old classics. First there’s Christmas Past, a strange, uncanny specter brought to life via a water tank and a green screen. She’s also the most unsettling of the trio, looking like a reject from Labyrinth. The only reason she doesn’t haunt my nightmares is her sing-song voice provided by Jessica Fox. Not to mention her colleague is a right jolly old elf. I always laugh when I see him, in spite of myself. Of course I’m talking about Christmas Present (Nelson), this version easily being the best. He’s larger than life, endlessly kind, and absentmindedly can only focus on the present moment. Like Dory he forgets whatever was mentioned mere seconds after it happened. Unlike Dory he doesn’t belittle his coworkers behind the scenes. If nothing else, he at least gets the best song on the soundtrack. Finally we're left with a lackluster Christmas Future, looking like some tall doofus in a hood. Whenever I see him walk around I expect him to hit his head on something before hearing Robert Groves yell, “Ow!”

Having said that, he’s still more lively than Scrooge. Yup, we’ve reached the point where your respect is thrown off the windowsill. Michael Caine is a fine enough actor, even making for an awesome Alfred. However, his Scrooge leaves something to be desired. When he was cast in the role, Caine decided to treat the material as seriously as Shakespeare, a decision I ultimately believe hurt his performance. Dude refuses to emote for a good chunk of the runtime. His best scenes are when he’s angrily shouting at his book keepers, crying over losing Belle (Meredith Braun), or at the end when he’s singing about his newfound sense of purpose. Otherwise he seems bored. Worse, it appears as though he’s faking emotions. Some may argue that’s what acting is, but I’d argue great actors can make you feel along with them. This wasn’t a problem for Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island. It wasn’t a problem for former Scrooges like Jim Carrey, Starlight Glimmer, Chris Bean, or any of the freak’n ducks! All of them are puzzle pieces placed perfectly to enhance the overall picture while Caine was forced in. Nothing against him personally, he’s just not one of the great Scrooges of cinema, at least not to me.

Despite that, I get why folks love this retelling. On my list of Christmas Carol adaptations it ranks number eight. Everything else about it has stood the test of time terrifically. The puppet performances are phenomenal, the script smartly streamlines the story for all audiences, and the music by Paul Williams is the Swedish Chef’s kiss. Unsurprising, really, given this man almost won an Academy Award for writing Rainbow Connection. All of this makes for a good introductory film. Chances are you first saw this when you were a kid and it’s what introduced you to both the Muppets and A Christmas Carol. It’s why you’re so happily familiar with both now and eagerly await to share this movie with your own children someday. When that day comes, I hope you all enjoy that Christmas feeling together. After all, it is a movie from the heart! Made with a special kind of caring with the ways of love made clear!

Get it? They’re the words to the song! Wakka Wakka! Ah. whatever! Now I’m in the mood for more classic Disney Christmas specials...

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[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | A Christmas Carol Goes Wrong

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Freddy Mercury once said the show must go on! It’s a credo that The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society takes to heart. For better or worse. You can bet your butts that any production they undertake is bound to be a disaster. Actors will be injured, props will be destroyed, the set will randomly combust at least once, and grandmas will get run over by reindeer. Or more accurately, foes of Doctor Who will get run over by elderly aunts. Still, the one thing you can say about a Cornley Drama play? They’re anything but boring! It’s why the Goes Wrong brand of comedy has become so beloved over the last decade. Much like the Simpsons before them, Mischief Theater began entertaining audiences with their own chaotic Christmas capers before airing two bonkers specials on the BBC. Said specials adapted both Peter Pan and A Christmas Carol, my fellow Figment fan Hannah (princessofDisney27) requesting I look at the latter. Thankfully both can be found for free on YouTube so long as you don’t mind ads. Who’s more miserly: Ebeneezer Scrooge or the folks running YouTube? You make the call! In any case, let’s look at A Christmas Carol Goes Wrong to see what they get right.

A lot, obviously. Starting with the fact that these British bozos have hijacked the show. Turns out the channel best known for Fleabag didn’t want these misfits back after botching Peter Pan last year. I don’t see what the big deal is! Just because Peter’s shadow caught on fire, Tinkerbell nearly got electrocuted to death, and Captain Hook hijacked a Teletubby doesn’t mean these talented actors shouldn’t be given a second shot. In case you’re wondering, yes, all that actually happened. Have I mentioned these programmes are insane? This one is no different as the cast try to retell this Charles Dickens classic. 

Making up said cast is Chris Bean (Henry Shields), portraying the main miser much to the ire of his louder and larger costar Robert Groves (Henry Lewis). Not contempt with playing the non-speaking Ghost of Christmas Future, the egotistical maniac makes it his mission to completely incapacitate Chris. In the process he falls through the floor in Scrooge’s home, shoots renowned screen actor Derek Jacobi in the neck with a blow dart, smashes a large crate over poor Tiny Tim (Ellie Morris) before assuming the role himself, and generally proves why he’s my favorite member of the ensemble. Seriously, Robert might be the biggest reason my cheeks began hurting from laughter. It’s true what he says, anything you can act he can act LOUDER! Even his phantom persona is loud. Whenever this creep cadaver hits its head on the set you can hear Robert going, “Ow.” By gosh is genius!

Besides the constant bickering between Henry and Henry, Dennis Tyde’s (Jonathan Sayer) Bob Cratchet is frequently forgetting his lines. The recurring gag is used to epic effect here, the nervous nitwit having to utilize the surrounding set to recall his dialogue. His colleagues best hope none of the backdrop is turned around or blocked, otherwise Dennis has no hopes of remembering even the simplest lines. He has no coins in his coin purse or a clue as to what’s going on. Uoy sselb! It’s certainly frustrating for Sandra Wilkinson and her boyfriend Max Bennett, portrayed by then real-life couple Charlie Russel and Dave Hearn. No idea if they’re still together, but it makes for cute on-screen chemistry. Especially when it’s a case of opposites attracting, Sandra the screen-loving Miss Piggy type while Max is a doofus unclear on the concept of ‘fiction’. He at least makes for a great Ghost of Christmas Present despite weeping over a false presumption that his love plans to dump him once the story’s over. Look on the plus side buddy, at least that’s one less gift you have to wrap! 

I joke, but honestly all the emotions land perfectly, both humorous and heart-felt. All of these weirdos are way more interesting than Whatsherface from Power Rangers. Blame that on a balance of witty writing and amazing acting. There’s more members of the company I’ve yet to mention who all kill it whenever on screen. Like when Annie Twilloil (Nancy Zamit) gets a prop gun stuck to her hand after an unfortunate glue incident, Jonathan Harris (Greg Tannahill) learning why Jacob Marley hated his chains so much, or technical director Trevor Watson (Rob Falconer) raining pizza down on London before wrecking it like Godzilla! It’s too funny for words, I’M DYING!

However, where it fails is in the actual adaptation part. Like most iterations, the devil’s in the details. Some incarnations fare better than others when streamlining the story. Not so much here, mostly in regards to Scrooge’s visits by the spirits. His past is almost entirely skipped over, sole focus placed on the break up with Belle. Eh, I’m sure his crappy childhood, deceased sister, or first job at Fezziwig’s isn’t important. Luckily they make up for these failings by giving the Cornley cast their own spin on the story. Chris is ready to move on and leave his troupe behind, though not before selfishly stabbing them in the back first. Upon seeing his character’s grave he realizes how selfish he’s been, apologizing to his amigos before finally letting Robert play the part. Rather a clever subversion, actually. Though really, even if you’re like me and are hung up on changes by that, you’ll be too busy busting a gut to notice. Compared to other Christmas Carols this is by far the funniest. Make up your mind Bob, are you gonna give to charity or not? WANG!

Though if your taste for brilliant British comedy isn’t satisfied yet, feast your eyes on The Nativity! In this second season episode of The Goes Wrong Show, the BBC has finally cut funds to these twits, hence why the birth of Christ is sponsored by Brookshaw Corporate Finance. Even Jesus loves cash! Blessed be the writers who thought up this running joke. Later when the Three Wise Men visit Joseph (Hearn) and Mary (Russel) in the manger they’re given gold standard accreditation, frankincense-ible advice on all their financial interests, and low-cost myrrh-gage rates. Badum tish! Fear not; for behold, it’s more than just painful puns. We also have the piano catching fire during a performance of Silent Night, desserts in place of a desert, an idiot innkeeper, nine wise men, John the Baptist, and Robert Grove as the Archangel Gabriel. All I need to say here is: Halo! On top of the cunning comedy, the set design is stupendous! It’s made to look like a pop-up book, pages turning to reveal a new location full of new mistakes to be made. I’d go on about other yuletide offerings by these professional screwups, but really I should save them for future reviews. For now I’ll close the book on the Cornley Drama Society and turn the page to reveal a familiar frog.

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[clarktooncrossing]

To anyone that's been wondering where the last few Christmas reviews have been; sorry, it's been a hectic month for me. Normally that's good cuz I like being kept busy, but it also means I won't be able to finish all of the reviews. My current plan is to finish what I've got and post it all on Christmas Eve. Given how so many of my friends even forgot I asked them for Christmas special recommendations, I doubt there'll be any real complaints. Even then, I'm making plans for next year that should help simplify things, so if your request was left unfulfilled, stay tuned in 2024 to see if you can try again. Until then, see you on Christmas Eve with more reviews and some holly, jolly artwork!

And if you wanna read my reviews, you can check'm all out my clicking here!

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | The Christmas Tree

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Wow, this movie is so despised that tumblr doesn't have any GIFs of it. Yup, sounds 'bout right.

Fellow brony Rigby (RigbyH00ves) must’ve thought he was so clever. Ha ha, he chuckled and clucked, that’ll show that geeky giraffe! Nobody can withstand the tinsel-coated turd that is The Christmas Tree! It was banned by the Geneva Convention for being too cruel! If Santa really wanted to punish naughty children, he’d drop a DVD copy of this in their stalking. Chuck Jones died in vain! So how could that nerdy nitwit with the long neck possibly survive this? An evil grin no doubt spread across the sadistic stallion’s face. Yes, that evil equine got the better of me. Or at least he would’ve had I not streamed this Christmas crapshow on my Discord server. Bundled alongside other seasonal stinkers, a fun time was had by all as we mercilessly mocked this animated abomination. So despite my buddy’s best efforts, I actually had fun while watching this infamous fruitcake of a film. The consensus amongst my companions and I was unilateral: this freak’n sucked!

Every aspect of this movie was wrong. Not just bad, wrong. Starting with our story. If you thought the Rat King and Lord Zedd ranked high on the vile scales, you haven’t met Mrs. Mavilda (Helen Quirk)! She’s a wicked woman who mistreats the orphans under her care. Meals consist of gray slop while she dines on bountiful banquets. All their clothes are torn and tattered, save for whenever Mr. Mayor shows up to inspect the premises. That’s when they’re forced into fancy clothes to fool the pitiful politician. Once he hands over the two sacks full of cash he carries on him for some reason, Mavilda immediately strips the two tikes down to their undies. I know this because the camera lingering on their half-naked bodies longer than necessary. Classy! Where’s all that money going, you ask? In the pot at her next poker game. Not only does she gamble with money meant for lonely children, she keeps losing every game! Kenny Rogers once sang you’ve gotta know when to hold’m and when to fold’m. Someone should tell this lady never to touch them. One wonders how she even keeps the lights on if she’s this terrible at Texas Hold ‘Em. Either way, the kids suffer for her crippling addiction. They’re not even allowed to keep a dog they find named Licorice. Not because their cruel caretaker is allergic, she just hates happiness. Saying it’s a hard knock life would be a gross understatement!

What little hope they get comes from a singular pine tree sprouting fourth from the hill in the backyard they’ve named Mrs. Hopewell. In reality this balsam fir is actually Mr. Mavilda, reincarnated after his betrothed butchered and buried his body in the backyard. He had been kind to the kids and had learned of his wife’s embezzling scheme but was sadly powerless to stop her. Now he’s back, hungry for vengeance! Let the snow run red with the blood of his wife! All shall love Hopewell and despair!

Ha, I wish. Nah, it’s just a plant.  An inanimate object. Zero chance of it telling the pipsqueaks to feed it fresh dentist. Still, how freak’n sad is that? Their only companion in this crazy world is a freak’n tree! Really makes Whatsherface’s subplot from Power Rangers feel that much more pointless, doesn’t it? Maybe she should’ve been visited by the Care Bears! Heaven knows they’re not gonna help these kids in actual need.

Instead help arrives in the form of Judy Kindle (Karen Drygas) and her family. Having recently arrived in the small community of Townville, they meet up with Mr. Mayor to ask for a job. Makes perfect sense, obviously. Next time you’re seeking employment, go directly to your local mayor! He assigns Judy’s husband to the coal mine where he effectively disappears from the story. I actually forgot he existed until the very end when he just randomly appears to contribute nothing. They could’ve had him die in the mines and I still wouldn’t have cared. Guy got sidelined by a tree, he should fire his agent! Judy fares better, paired up with a plucky fox to solve a missing mammals case in the big city. Wait, sorry, I was thinking of a far better piece of cartoon content. Of course she and her two children end up at the House of Hopewell. 

Judy immediately ingratiates herself to her young charges by reading stories, packing picnics, helping to hide Licorice, even building a playground around their tree. Granted that must be horrifying for Mrs. Hopewell, having the remains of your dead relatives placed around your body. It’d be like Hannibal Lector giving you a jacket made out of your cousin. Eh, whatever makes the kids happy! She even introduces them to Christmas since apparently they hadn’t heard of it until then. And so, Judy wolves a magical tale of gumdrops and penny-whistles. She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, she told of the one they call Santa Claus. Granted they kind’a tuned out when Santa’s postman pal was revealed to have been lying this whole time, otherwise they were intrigued! Especially since Mrs. Mavilda never let them have a Holiday before. For as I’m sure I’ve made clear by now, she’s a three triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. 

She’s also a piss-poor poker player. Mr. Mayor, seeing firsthand how well Judy’s handled her duties, delegates more tax payer dollars so she and Mavilda can buy gifts for the rascals. The latter immediately loses it all to a rival that clearly cheated. Lady, what deck of cards feature five aces? I call bull! A mindset mirrored by Judy when she confronts her boss, recovering from a hangover the following morning. Deciding her underling has got to go, she conspires to bury her next to Mr. Mavilda with the aid of Horace and Jasper’s slow cousin, Dennis. By that I mean the dastardly duo plan on planting something on Judy so the cops’ll think she’s a thief. Right, cuz evidence can’t be planted or dusted for fingerprints to prove the poor woman didn’t do it. The orphans, having overheard the sinister scheme, decide they have to find help. Their first option is Mr. Mayor, but none of them know where he lives. Seriously, is this guy the only authority figure in this town? Seeing no other option, our pint-sized protagonists pick the next best thing: Santa Claus! Magnificent little bastards, I’ve read your book! Finding Santa’s super secret workshop up in the North Pole must be easier than finding some rich dude’s mansion!

Unsurprisingly, it's not. One of Judy’s kids, Lilly, almost dies from a bear attack! Looks like the bare necessities got her in the end! Her mother hasn’t time to worry though, Mavilda and Dennis are about to chop Hopewell down! Before the deed can be done, Mr. Mayor drives up and finally notices how crappy the children have been treated. He vows that their tree won’t be touched right as Mavilda makes a break for the chainsaw! Good lord, this woman is wicked! Did nobody hug her when she was younger? How has she not been visited by the Ghosts of Christmas? What does she do in her spare time, punches puppies and kick kittens? She makes Luthor Krank seem charitable in comparison. Somebody stop this lunatic!

Deciding enough is enough, Mrs. Hopewell summons lightning down from the heavens to strike down her foe where she stands! And you all scoffed at my reincarnation theory! May this serve as a warning to all non-believers. Never piss off the pines! Lest you too spend the Holidays in hell!

Pfff, okay, so Mrs. Mavilda doesn’t die. Neither did Lilly. She was saved by a Santa Claus who shouldn’t be near schools! Some sadistic cartoonists spent too much time detailing this freak’s face! Holy crap, if this guy was promoting Coca Cola there’d be a notable uptake in Pepsi drinkers. Meeting this menace wouldn’t make riding the Polar Express worth it at all! I joked before, but is it too late to turn Klaus back on? Thankfully eerie ol’ Saint Nick leaves as soon as he arrives, giving the orphans some much needed new outfits while raining presents down from the sky. As for Mavilda, that bolt scrambled her brains, turning her good because logic is for losers! Judy even hires her on as an assistant, though hopefully not a financial one. Like The Narrator says, you always win if you are good. Are we sure this script wasn’t written by orphans?

Needless to say, the narrative is brainless. Yet like an onion, it’s just one of the many mayors that makes you cry the further you cut into it. There’s also the terrible voice acting. Remember when I insulted the young actors from Care Bears? I apologize to them all, they may as well have been the cast of A Charlie Brown Christmas compared to these tikes. For that they hired legit kids to play the Peanuts gang. Here it sounds like they force-fed dialogue to random kindergarteners before settling for the first take. Granted the adult actors are already abysmal and children aren’t exactly known for always delivering great performances. Really, I feel sorry for any child cast in this crap. I sincerely hope each one of them are living long, fulfilling lives away from show business. Having said that, they still brought great shame onto their households. Every line delivered results in Mel Blanc rolling in his grave. Teacher says everytime this movie’s watched, an angel dies!

Having said all that, the worst aspect by far is the animation. Good lord this special is ugly to look at! Not a lot is known about this picture’s production, save for that it was overseen by acclaimed animator Flamarion Ferreira. His filmography includes He-Man and She-Ra, Pink Panther, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Phineas and Ferb, and Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero. You’d think the guy would know how to depict believable movement, lip sync dialogue, or do something as basic as draw engaging expressions. Calling this a cartoon would be an insult to the medium! All the movements are rigid or sudden, no dialogue comes close to syncing up with the mouth movements, and the expressions are what nightmares are made of. Those twin girls haunting the Overlook ain’t got nothing on these orphans! Oh but if you can’t think it can get worse from here, believe me, we’re taking a turn down a different street.

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | Christmas with the Kranks

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Molly may have been malicious when she suggested Barbie Nutcracker. Claire was cruel when she picked a Care Bears special. Yet neither of them ever sent me crappy Christmas content via the mail. Nah, Alec (@burningthrucelluloid) had them covered. When I was leaving to visit my friend Jart at Disney World last year, the masked maniac was nice enough to send me a box full of goodies. It included a Black Panther t-shirt, a copy of Terry Practhett’s The Colour of Magic to read on the plane, and Christmas with the Kranks on DVD. Based on a book by crime novelist John Grisham and directed by legendary filmmaker Chris Columbus, this feature film is infamously known as one of the worst Holiday movies of all time. The crazed cinephile went out of his way to find it at his local pawn shop after I had jokingly remarked how nobody offered me anything challenging to review. He even scribbled “U WERE WARNED!” on the disc in Sharpie. Et tu, Alec?

Well joke’s on you, sucker! Before this my plan was to continue the anime theme with Tokyo Godfathers, the original picture my pal had picked. Him sending me this was clearly his way of saying he had changed his mind. Let it not be said that Santa Clark isn’t one to acquiesce to one’s demands. He is a generously devious soul after all. Message received, Alec. I hope you’re happy.

You’d make for better company than Luthor (Tim Allen) and Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) Krank. The film focuses on this miserable married couple coping with their daughter not being home for the Holidays. Tis’ the season for empty nest syndrome! Luthor, especially exhausted by the hustle and bustle every December brings, calculates they could save over $6,000 by simply skipping it. Much as I love the merry month, I get why it can be tiresome for others. Listening to the same songs on the radio at nausea, combating the crowds at OK Mart only to be told that one thing you were looking for was sold out weeks ago, getting the stink eye from that suspicious mall Santa, having to write numerous reviews to appease your amigos, you’re lucky you don’t drop dead by Boxing Day. It’s why I don’t hold any malice against Luthor when he proposes to his wife they go away on a cruise instead. Really, that sounds like fun. What confuses me is him printing out a letter explaining to his peers what he’s planning to do. Dude, who cares that you’re saying goodbye to the Holidays?

Everybody, apparently. From here on out the entire town harasses this hapless duo over their newly appointed Scrooge status. Companions, coworkers, carolers, random children, Boy Scouts, a pervy priest, the students of Canterlot High, two turtle doves, and worst of all, Dan Akroyd! Dude flings himself at Nora’s car for the sake of a plastic snowman. My guy, you weren’t this obsessed back in Ghostbusters, cool it! She’s not a free-roaming vapor! You are making Michael Meyers look relaxed! Matters are made no better by Luthor acting like a massive douchebag. He gets grumpy over the slightest things, angrily argues with everyone he encounters, denies donations to charities, freezes the sidewalk so others fall over, constantly steps on some stupid cat’s tail, puts his wife through undue stress, it’s hard to believe this guy was once Santa Claus! Although I could see him intentionally pushing Kris Kringle off the roof. Even the Grinch would tell this guy to tone it back a bit. He’s an unlikable hero in a sea full of psychos! The Kranks have disturbed the Christmas cult. Only when they consume the sacred eggnog will the masses be appeased!

All of this comes to a head the morning of Christmas Eve when their daughter (Julie Gonzalo) declares she’s coming home that night with her new fiance. Brilliant move kid, wasting your time and parents’ money by flying down to Peru only to immediately return home. Now you’ve put your loving mother and laudable father through more unnecessary turmoil all because you wanted honeyed ham. Sucks for you, Nora couldn’t get one last minute so she had to settle for smoked trout. Remember folks, that is why you keep a spare can of Who Hash on standby! Meanwhile Luthor’s disastrous attempts at decorating result in him nearly getting arrested or dying. Oh no, and to such a nice person! Jeez, even Karma hates the Kranks. Is it too late to tell your daughter you converted to Judaism? Just when all hope seems lost, Danny Boy detects their desperation and rallies the rest of the community to their cause. They’re more than happy to do so after weeks of relentlessly browbeating the non-believers into conforming, just like Jesus intended! Mr. Krank’s so moved by this act of kindness he gladly gives away his cruise tickets to an elderly couple coping with cancer. An elderly couple whose patriarch has been nothing but snide to Luthor every chance he got. So much so they didn’t even bother attending the party despite literally living across the street. Wow, what a shallow sentiment! Don’t go thinking Luthor did this to be a bigger person either, he only did this after his wife dogged him out for being selfish. Right, how dare he try to take you on a luxury cruise in the Bahamas! Selfish bastard! Nora, do us all a favor and get off your high horse. This movie’s morals are so messed up.

So why can’t I say I hate this?

Yeah, I legit had a fun time watching it. Confounding, innit? My only guess why is because of the A-Tier actors giving their all regardless of the material given. That alone is what elevates the movie from tinsel trash to ‘so bad it’s good’. Still, if you’re looking for something whimsical to watch this winter starring the Tool Man, stick to The Santa Clause. Or if you’re still looking for something fresh, try Satoshi Kon’s Tokyo Godfathers. Don’t act surprised Alec, I was still gonna talk about it regardless. Just remember this next time you decide to send me garbage! In the meantime, here’s hoping this picture is more pleasant than what I just watched.

Our pleasant picture begins with three homeless bums finding a baby abandoned in the trash. Fa la la la la la la la la! Like I said earlier, this time of year ain’t so merry and bright for everybody. For some it’s a bitter reminder of all the days and dreams gone by, complimented cruelly by the cold. Promises have been broken, relationships were sunk, and no gift Santa brings can cure the heartache. Certainly that’s the case for our three unlikely heroes. The appropriately named Gin (Jon Avner) is a drunken deadbeat dad who never went home after accumulating too much gambling debt. How could a loser like him ever face his daughter again? Runaway teenager Miyuki (Victoria Grace) is also avoiding her family, having stabbed her police officer dad under the assumption he gave away her cat. Cat people, am I right? Joining them is trans woman Hana (Shakina Nayfack), desperate for a family like either of them had. For the record, everybody refers to Hana as a him, but for the sake of being polite I’m going to use they / them pronouns.

They're overjoyed to find the crying child, proclaiming it's their miracle sent by God. In that spirit Hana names the baby Kiyoko, a reference to the Japanese translation of “Silent Night”. Fun fact, when I was born my own mother sang that song to lull me to sleep, so I approve of the name! Such enthusiasm is understandably not shared by Hana’s companions. Together all three Wise Hobos venture forth to find the kid’s real mother, dealing with their own drama along with the Yakuza, a Spanish speaking assassin, a bar full of helpful angels, alley cats, runaway ambulances, weeping red devils, and some brat throwing cards at monsters at a winter carnival. Eh, I’m sure that last one’s not important.

Unlike that woman jumping off a bridge! Yo Clarence, where were you on that one? How do you expect to earn your wings with this lackluster performance? Joseph’s gonna be pissed. Luckily our leads arrive just in time to stop the suicide attempt, discovering the potential jumper is Sachicko (Larissa Gallagher), who they assume to be Kiyoko’s birth mom. Their trek through Tokyo revealed how Sachicko had a hard life already, making up one half of an abusive relationship and losing her house to a fire. And here Luthor Krank was complaining about putting up a plastic snowman. Obviously this woman is a wounded soul in need of sympathy and compassion. A baby, not so much. You’d have to be downright dumb to hand an innocent infant over to someone ready to end it all five seconds ago! Especially when she’s not the real mother. Turns out Sachicko kidnapped Kiyoko after suffering a miscarriage. O, holy crap! Congratulations Alec, you found something that makes DC Holiday Nightmares look cheery. I came here to have fun, spam it! Now I’m watching Gin, Hana, and Miyuki trying to talk this lady down before she jumps off a building with the baby in tow! In the end our trio triumphs and are rewarded by the the child's actual parents to become her godfathers.

In spite of my snark, this movie is magnificent. Ultimately it’s a bittersweet ballad about the hardships that plague all people. Some crumble under the pressure, destroying their lives even if unintentionally. Others rise to the occasion, making the most out of the horrible hand life dealt them. Be them richer or poorer, cynic or optimist, Ellingboe or Krum, we are all united in the daily struggle to just make sense of the world. Let Christmas stand testament to our better angels winning out. Furthermore, let Tokyo Godfathers be an example of what Satoshi can do. If his other work can so effortlessly pull off humor, heartbreak, and amazingly expressive animation like this one, I clearly need to seek out more! No doubt the masked maniac will be waiting to recommend more in the future. Until then, time to lower our standards. So decrees Mrs. Hopewell!

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