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we spent 4 days together and I still want more. it's not enough. I want a lifetime

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I truly cannot handle my emotions. I feel anything and my instinct is to shut it down or flee.

I am anxious about my card declining. I'm worried he thinks I'm dumb or inept or fake. I'm scared he thinks I'm fat or disgusting.

im projecting. but I'm so fucking scared.

having sex awakens every insecurity I have. dating awakens every deep emotion I feel. I hate it.

he's all I can think about. my feelings are so intense and I cannot regulate them

we had sex and he told me I was "pretty cool". in that moment it made me feel worthless. I guess because I craved something sweet. I want so badly to feel certain feelings and I'm scared I never will.

there are too many thoughts in my head

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this feels very....normal. comfy. I don't know if that should scare me.

but I feel like we're on the same wavelength, as corny and cliche as it sounds.

I don't have to explain myself?

when we had sex....it felt normal? like I didn't have to explain myself? he did things I liked/wanted and i felt safe.

I have a track record of deluding myself, so I'll continue to soul search. maybe I'm projecting. it's honestly hard to tell sometimes.

I need to learn to trust myself.

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I went on a date with a man last night. it went very well. I felt like we had a connection.

I realize how truly terrified of intimacy I am. traumatized. I feel clingy. desperate to confirm he still likes me. have his feelings changed in the...24 hours since I last saw him???

I need to talk myself through it. I cannot be too clingy. I need to be normal.

I don't feel normal. I feel out of control. anxious he doesn't like my body, or my personality, my mannerisms....anxious about all of it.

it's the idea of someone being close enough to scrutinize.

he told me multiple times that he thought I was hot.

however, i was naked when he said this. which complicates my feelings.

I feel an immense about of guilt for existing in my body.

this happens every time. I have sex with a man and then immediately panic about not being thin enough, sexy enough, normal enough etc.

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last night I went on a date with a girl

it went well. she was chatty and interesting and we had lots to talk about.

the whole night I thought about Her

she sets the standard for women. everyone I meet I compare to her.

I think about her often. wishing I could be near her. I wonder if she feels the same

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14 years ago I lay sick in a bathtub.

I lay in a bed in an apartment I pay for.

look at me now

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there have been feelings for a while

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I am so very gay

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why am I so tearful

it's so warm

my hair is a trigger

the bathroom mirror is a trigger

once again I panic in the morning

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so much of my life has been a lie

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hand lingering on my shoulder

long enough for me to notice

but not long enough

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it is isolating

going to work every day

pretending to be straight

pretending to be religious

pretending to be interested in some boring story my coworker tells

I go home where again I play pretend

it feels normal but I'm realizing how much energy I have spent throughout my life

putting up walls

protective

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it is isolating

going to work every day

pretending to be straight

pretending to be religious

pretending to be interested in some boring story my coworker tells

I go home where again I play pretend

it feels normal but I'm realizing how much energy I have spent throughout my life

putting up walls

protective

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it's 8:00

you don't have to figure it all out

my deepest desire is to dig.

I thrive off searching and digging and discovering

anything:

genealogy, factoids, psychiatric truths.

my heart

my skin

obsessively inquisitive

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am I the only one feeling this way?

I assume I'm not but I fear I'm delusional and narcissistic.

it makes sense to me

the song plays and I hope you feel it too

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Thoughts and feelings on the first day of November

His new girlfriend posts a photo where his hand is cupping her breast

My ocd is at an all-time high

I am unable to keep my hands at rest

Plucking, picking, scratching, digging into my flesh

I spend hours staring at my skin. The pores blur together and my eyes cannot focus enough to operate tweezers

I recently bought a vape

Now I can smoke in the comfort of my childhood bedroom

I spend my days getting high and plucking ingrown pubic hairs

When I was 15 I carved "never forget" into the flesh of my bikini line

A decade later the same spot is patterned with scabs

I reread the poem I wrote on this day two years ago

It oozes angst and hurt

Just weeks before, I ended my very serious 7 year relationship via text

My life purged itself and I was forced to dust the surfaces of my soul

I wrote of my feelings about being an empty sex vessel to men. A manic pixie dream girl

Two years later and I no longer feel like a manic pixie dream girl. I have stopped trying

If you want to fuck me, you'll have to ignore the peppa pig bandaid plastered over a picking spot on my ass

I suppose this still makes me a quirky-yet-lovable bitch

Two years later and I wonder if my entire life has been a lie

Compulsory

And compensatory

I have lingering feelings of being in love with my best friend

Two night ago I dreamt I held her hand as we walked through a store

Months ago we vacationed in an empty cabin

We spent hours watching movies and getting high

At one point she said something along the lines of "this is why we're good with each other"

As always, we shared a bed

And I debated whether to inch my leg to the right to graze hers

I find myself unable to make eye contact with her

I do not want to ruin anything

As always, I doubt these feelings

Are these real feelings or am I just comfortable in our 20 years of friendship?

Years ago I established my attraction to women

"I am mostly attracted to men but women are hot and I'd be into a threesome", I told men

Now I wonder if this is true

I have spent my entire life thinking the way I feel is normal

Every woman has to muster the energy to pretend to be interested in sex with a man

Every woman jacks off to lesbian porn

Every woman searches "busty lesbian strap-on"

Every girl feels this way. This is normal

It makes sense to me. Countless love and relationship books talk of the excuses women make to avoid sex. "I have a headache", "I'm too tired", "I'm on my period"

I have never fantasized about men

Since I was a child, all my sexual fantasises have been about women

At 12 I remember drawing pictures of a womanly body on my whiteboard and then masturbating to it

Grinding against a pillow and envisioning myself above a woman

I thought all girls experienced this

In 8th grade I remember trying to make myself think of a male classmate while I masturbated

It felt wrong. "It's disrespectful to think of them this way", I told myself.

I was being noble. Honorable. A good christian girl

I scroll through my lifelong rolodex of crushes

I think of my pattern

Obsessively list qualities I desire in a man

Find someone who fits neatly in that box

Get bored/annoyed/disgusted

My ex boyfriend of 7 years once told me it felt like I liked the idea of him more than I truly liked him

At the time I denied it vehemently yet felt a twinge of guilt

9 years later, I wonder if that was an honest assessment of my relationship with men

I like the idea of them. I like the idea of being desired and fantasized about. I like knowing they think about me. I like knowing I make them hard. I like knowing I can make them cum.

I like the idea of being a wife

But do I really like them?

I flip through my adolescent diaries

At 15 I received my first kiss

Diary entries note the excitement of the entire romantic experience

My first boyfriend. The first time I was (almost) allowed to be alone with a boy

A month or so into the relationship I wrote of how I felt nothing when he kissed me

How when he grabbed my breast it felt like it was my own hand touching myself

All girls experience this

I think of my friendships with women

Always comfortable and always intimate

I remember writing letters to my adolescent playmates

"I love you more than the air I breathe", I wrote

Even now I tell myself these relationships feel more organic and comfortable because of the lack of sexual expectations

Still, there is nothing I enjoy more than running errands with my best friend

We walk through neighborhoods looking for cats

We discuss the various architectural designs and paint choices

We discuss moving in and adopting cats together

It all sounds like a dream to me

For years I refused to acknowledge this part of myself

My therapist encouraged me to explore

I refused

If I think about it, I will have to come to terms with it

Which means abandoning every dream I've had

Years ago I read a Frank Bidart poem which contained the line

"Lie to yourself about this and you will

forever lie about everything"

I am almost ready to stop lying

I am currently engaged in my typical cycle

Maybe if I find the perfect man, these feelings will go away

Maybe I just haven't found the perfect fit

Maybe maybe maybe

I am not ready yet but someday soon I will be

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I daydream about making you dinner. Sweat on my brow

your hands gripping my hips as I drain noodles

Melancholy wafting through the breeze. Cat lounging

I wrap my heart in gauze

Rehabilitation until further notice

My heart is full of hope but I know better than to trust her

Years of deceit caused by her faulty wiring

Once I fell in love with an imaginary cowboy

Fringe and paisley

I spent months lapping from an empty watering trough

My mouth wet with cum and sorrow

I refuse to fall so easily again

You sent me a playlist and I sobbed for an hour

For weeks, I listen on repeat while fantasizing about laying with you and ripping the others to shreds

I remove the gauze from my heart

I write these words and perhaps one day you will read them