clusterbdiary

[clusterbdiary]

Striving for enlightenment level ups. So much trauma acknowledged. So much causes and effects self-dissected to realise the cause so I can change the effects, reactions and outcomes. Even when I feel like I’ve levelled up and think I can transfer this knowledge to every trauma or negative feeling that warns me - I can choose to feel this way or not, if I figure out the root of it… I still get new surprise hidden trauma causes and effects popping up every so so triggering old habits to return to make sure I behave immaturely and hurt others like I feel in that moment instead of remembering all I have learned; old unenlightened me has no trouble returning to take charge of driving my old faithful, unhelpful behaviour with a well known outcome that will cycle round and round until I figure out the trigger.

Even with these unacknowledged traumas and my reactions - which comes the hind sight and light bulb moment of me being self-aware and decision to not feel that unhappiness again and my enlightenment helps me to still learn after old habits die hard.

I have reached a level in my abilities of living the happiest life and growing my ability to perceive human behaviour and psyche in an intuitive, 6th sensey type of way that I never used to and that I thought not possible.

Im now stuck in my ‘living my happiest life’, mental health journey, at a higher level I have experienced, than ever before. Where my ability to see and read other people’s trauma causes and effects, behaviour meanings, body language and coping behaviours is so clear and obvious, like an anomaly, standing out and calling attention, that I didn’t notice before, on people I know, and people I don’t.

To be able to see all this trauma all around me with only 1 person with the same knowledge or willingness to learn the knowledge, feels so lonely. It feels like I’ve tried my best to work on my mental health for the happiest life ever and genuinely make the most of my one life time being alive during entropy decay and guaranteed death and when my perceptions have widened so far and all I can see is people who don’t know what I know, and who can only know when or if they are mentally ready.

Living my happiest life is my goal but my drive to deeper enlightenment has led me to an existence of someone, who is an empath, to constantly without choice, sense or see so many people unnecessarily living with their inner hurt child’s traumas. An existence that is a new experience of being unable to save everyone that crosses my path, no matter how much I want to.

How do I get out of a depressive funk that is because I’ve become too aware, with a self-described superpower that I’ve been nurturing to get to this point and further? I want this enlightened awareness, but as an empathetic person with empathy overdrive it has given me a new perspective to discover and learn about that has to teach me : I can only control what I can control and I cannot save every-single-one. I did not expect this kind of depressive funk to be something that will send me on another cause-effect-outcome lesson… which will then level up my enlightenment.

Tell me I don’t sound crazy and someone on here is where I am and is relating to what I’m trying to say.

[clusterbdiary]

Rational is boring to me but so normal to everyone else around me.

Reach for the stars if you want to!

[clusterbdiary]

Is a bad thing to dream about becoming anything or everything... or to do anything and everything?

I am told it's a problem.

I am told I am impulsive and have too many dreams and fantasies... but do they notice some of them I do achieve?

Why is it so bad to want to live a life with different amazingness in it? Who am I hurting by dreaming and going for my dreams even when I don't succeed?

Having a pondering day today about if bpd is really so bad if it allows me to dream up awesome ideas some of which I have achieved.

Who do I listen to? Myself or my loved ones who think I am too impulsive?

[clusterbdiary]

So bored at home. The problem is I don't want to do anything. Catch 22 sucks this time around.

[clusterbdiary]

Trying gratitude out for size

I have a look over my head

A loving partner

Beautiful happy children

I'm alive

[clusterbdiary]

I also wish I had enough money for a cleaner 😋

[clusterbdiary]

Keeping my mind straight = hard work

[clusterbdiary]

The best thing I've read all year.

Friendly reminder that this world was designed for neurotypicals and if you’re neurodiverse or mentally ill and you’re struggling, please be kinder to yourself because you’re doing your best in a world that wasn’t designed for you

[clusterbdiary]

When all I want to do is lay sleep some more but the in-laws are coming over.

[clusterbdiary]

Feeling manic today. How do I get myself out of it?

[clusterbdiary]

https://thisviewoflife.com/blog/why-is-the-human-vagina-so-big/

A friend forwarded me this article and it gave me something to read while I was on the loo.

☆my thoughts: it's the opposite for women to men in regards to size of genital parts. Men like to think (or wish) themselves big and women like to think (or hope) themselves small.

[clusterbdiary]

When shit happens...

Feel

Acknowledge

Grieve

cry•scream•write•draw•play music•exersize

Deal then dust yourself off and keep on moving, life doesn't wait.

[clusterbdiary]

Today is an Alanis Morrisette while I clean day

🤟

[clusterbdiary]

What is the purpose to life?

The day we are born we are already subject to entropy of death. The unknown is when and how long a life we get. The unknown is what our path is in life, what our experiences will be. Will they be good, great, bad, or traumatic. And if they are either good, great, bad, or traumatic, will we have the will power and clarity of mind to overcome anything that happens to us?

What is in our control is how we deal with good or bad that happens to us. It isn't always easy to navigate or decide how to control the effects of the unpredictable and it can drive someone who cannot keep their thoughts and impulses in check. This is what can make life harder.

I've thought and thought and thought about this so much all while trying to 'make life how I made it'. But I still have days, random days sprinkled throughout my years of 'what the heck is my purpose on this earth?' Not in a suicidal way, in a confusion way. Like, there has to be something more to life than this... surely.

I have always come to the conclusion that the main purpose is to live the life that makes you the happiest even with unpredictable crappiness. To still find or do something that makes you happy. Because a miserable life would really be a waste.

So while still pondering the question about life, my end goal for life is to try and do happy things, things that bring happy happy happy. It doesn't always work. But never the less, my aim and purpose for life is to live a happy one.

If anyone has food for thought. I'm all ears.

[clusterbdiary]

Im feeling so so so much in love atm.

Hoping it's not just my bpd at a high

#bpd #clusterb #inlove #ilovemyman #ilovemyfamily

[clusterbdiary]

Late pizza for dinner tonight. Coz we deserve it.

[clusterbdiary]

3 happy days in a row. It takes effort and training my thoughts to go in a positive angle. But it seems to be working. The life of a newly diagnosed bpd

#bpd #clusterb #positivedirections