confessions-into-the-void

[confessions-into-the-void]

I started this blog with the intentions of posting poetry and screaming but it has slowly turned into less poetry, more screaming and I think it's a good way to sum things up right now.

Anyways, I start a new med tomorrow so I guess that means I haven't fully given up yet

Time to square up with tomorrow and see what it brings

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"I don't really want kids" -me

"ok but your friend just had a baby and look how cute they all are, what if?" -my ovaries.

I won't. None of my shit needs to be passed down lol

But it doesn't stop me from thinking "what if" sometimes

(I almost posted this on one of my actual social medias and I would straight up die. Only the people who don't know me get to hear these thoughts of mine)

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Every bit of who I used to be is gone

And I hate the person I am now

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It was his fucking birthday yesterday and I forgot

I was only reminded when a friend told me

And reminded me of his love for eclipses. The last photo he featured in his social media was a photo of an eclipse.

And here we are, doing it without him.

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The more depressed I get, the more my cat likes me.

I don't know if it's cause he just senses that I'm upset, or maybe he genuinely just likes me or maybe he somehow knows that I think about final departure way too much (not active, just wishful thinking).

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Am I splitting?

Or am I actually done?

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Can a plane just Donnie Darko me, but actually finish the job?

Please?

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Relapse? Nah that's just my emotional support slip up

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Growing up, love songs always sat weird with me. Especially the ones that talk about people's smell and the ones that are like weird romantic. I guess in general, a lot of them have made me uncomfortable. Oh, and romance scenes in movies also make me uncomfortable.

I don't like hate romance and I'm not like not romantic but I also am not into all the cliche things like pet names, sweet talk, rose petals on the bed, etc. do people actually do that?

Anything "too mushy" makes me feel weird like all the way in my bones. I dont gush over people to people (I'll write sad breakup poems til the cows come home) and I don't think I could ever engage myself in a game of "no, I love you more". Like I don't know, that kinda stuff makes me feel weird

Am I aromantic? Or am I just traumatized? (Kinda joking, kinda not)

Or maybe my love language is just completely different from what is shown in the media. Like I am one hell of a sentimental being, but I'm more into the thought behind it all. Like remember the weird thing I said in passing and buy me a present relating to it, snag my favorite candy when you go to the store. Like I really like "the little things" but also like I don't? There absolutely is a level of "too much" with me. Do I genuinely not care for it, or am I just used to acts like that being used to make up for the abuse they just put me through, and will put me through again?

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How do you plan for a future when every milestone age was a surprise? When everyone around you was planning careers and going to college and all you could do was keep yourself alive.

How do I plan for a thing I never expected? How do I even find hope in a future when I'm running out of options?

I'm at my end of the rope and I'm clawing to hold on.

[confessions-into-the-void]

I told myself I would never settle again

But here I am, begging for attention

Wishing that my pleas for help weren't just considered annoying background noise

I put all of my eggs in this basket and built up a home.

I can't keep pretending this is sustainable. I'm an obligation, like an old dog adopted in its youth.

I can't rebuild again with a negative bank account

I own nothing

I am nothing

And he makes it clear every time he chooses to ignore me.

I don't know how else to say that I need reassurance, that I need love

That I deserve apologies, not to be treated the way the people who were supposed to protect me did when I grew up

I'd understand it if he gave up on me. I've given up on me. But to leave me here wondering, watching him intentionally walk past me as I am begging for some sort of feeling that someone here cares and to turn the other way is just cruel.

I am a mess. I am a burden, I am a train wreck

But I don't think I deserve this

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I wish I had a backup plan

A plan b

That didn't involve death

I promised myself I would never let this happen again

But when have I been known to keep promises

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I want to leave

Follow the road until it ends

I want to be missed

Because I once added value

Instead you sleep to the sound of my tears

And I'm too desperate to leave

Disclaimer: I'm just going through a BPD episode on top of pmdd and I just have a lot on my mind. I have ideation but I do not have intent.

I would not mind an asteroid to pay me a visit however

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I shouldn't have to beg for reassurance

Like a drought needs the rain

That I belong and I am worthy

I shouldn't have to feel like a stranger

In my own bed

While my pain is ignored

I shouldn't only be celebrated when I'm happy

When the ghosts are at bay

And I can smile

I shouldn't have to keep my mouth closed

When I am upset

In fear that I might upset you

I shouldn't

But I do

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I just wish I was easy to love

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Being killed in an accident would be like winning the lottery

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I just don't have the energy to swim upstream anymore