crappycheese - Tumblr blog

crappycheese · 11 hours

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these are all the people i’ve been coming up with

person who opens up their web browser & navigates to their own blog while inexplicably saying “i’m gonna bag me a man tonight”

guy who devotes his life to killing anyone who rickrolls him in a kill bill esque fashion

guy who only drinks smartwater & if you bring him a glass of tap he will slap it out of your hand

guy who takes every yo mama joke he hears as new factual information about his mama

guy who instantly kills anyone who happens to use the phrase “as a matter of fact” in his vicinity

guy who only knows the word “blockchain”

guy who orders a new tv & constantly asks the people installing it difficult to quantify questions like “Hey, man, this thing got high specs, right?” … “Yeah, but how’s the image?” … “Can it show me what I wanna see?”

guy who works the desk at a phone repair store but when anyone approaches he just yells “DIE!!!” & throws a tomahawk into their head

guy who witnesses a physically impossible event & says “egad!”

guy who just kidnaps jesus after he returns & there are headlines saying “jesus kidnapped”

guy who kills hundreds by crunching a whole watermelon in his mouth at a beach party & spitting the seeds like a machine gun

guy who reads all the standard fairy tales as a young child but forgets about all of them & also miraculously never encounters any of the biggest ones again clear into adulthood, & says, “i encountered this woman at work of the name, Cinderella Rapunzel, it- …just struck me, the most enchanting name… as if from another world! something about it, it called to me, as if… it was like it knew some deep part of me!”

guy who calmly drinks a glass of milk then does the cabbage patch to celebrate that

guy who desperately wants to patent a new & improved kind of spot-the-difference book & sinks tens of millions of dollars of venture capital into trying to engineer a way to make them immune to people just crossing their eyes but he fails & goes into inescapable debt

calvinist work ethic guy who works in an amazon warehouse & agrees that the conditions there are extremely bad for no good reason but profusely thanks amazon for artificially creating very strenuous work days that keep his soul pure

guy who methodically follows the exact inverse of all traffic laws

guy who says you can’t be both vegan & anticapitalist because he regards capitalism like a singular superorganism that is alive in a more abstract way than animals & people, & striving to harm it would be unethical

guy who won’t stop linking trinities of things. guy who asks you out of North America, Central America, & South America which one is the Father, the Son, & the Holy Ghost, & which one is a man, a woman, or nonbinary, & which is the red, green, or blue channel in the pixels of a computer monitor, & that you have to pick carefully because your answer will also imply a permanent association between the continent & the rgb, & all the other combinations, & he will involve your answer in various judgments of you. guy who won’t be friends with you if you think Canada is the album In Utero by Nirvana or that In Utero is the bottom right point of a triangle & not the top point or that Aristotle is NBC

guy who inexplicably always presses his phone keyboard suggestions, distorting the intent of his messages, & is always muttering stuff like “no thought, no will, no freedom, only subservience to gboard”

guy who registers a twitter account then never logs into it or looks at the site but derives satisfaction from knowing that he has an account on it

guy who walks around with a big jar of dill pickles tucked under his arm & splashes people with pickle juice whenever he shoves his hand in to grab one

guy who despises the metal numbers on houses that tell you their address but never does anything about it

guy who is unable to conversationally approach any topic except the artistic illegitimacy of william basinski’s disintegration loops

guy who is obsessed with the futile task of constructing another living conscious human being out of soda tabs

guy who spends his full fifteenth year of life not chewing any food in what he views as an act of rebellion against society

guy who laughs extremely hard at every joke he hears while earnestly attempting to shamingly convince the teller of the joke that it wasn’t funny

guy who spends lots of his free time in his local post office calling the workers stupid for being unable to route his letters to the proper addresses just because he refuses to write the addresses

guy who has never operated a gun & thinks you have to suck a bullet into it before you fire it

guy who has a dream every night about starting a food fight & is scared that one day he might actually do it

guy who turns into a traffic cone whenever he’s confused

guy who gets angry at people for reading his t-shirt

guy who very committedly pretends to be a vampire but only around his parents

guy who fucks god to death

guy who thinks the human molar is the platonic ideal form of beauty

guy who is obsessed with critical theory but applies it only in the context of the running of the website tvtropes

guy who has to be constantly prevented from trying to make & eat a sandwich with two vinyl records for the bread

guy who thinks kfc stands for knights of the fallen crucifix

guy who pours immense amounts of time, effort, money, & engineering expertise into running miles & miles of electrical wiring through the living rock of a mountain range to some obscure inaccessible overlook so that he can install an electrical outlet & kill himself by putting a fork in it, for the ultimate purpose of confusing whoever eventually finds his body

guy who copies & pastes funny texts post from his tumblr dashboard onto his own blog & defends this with paragraphs & paragraphs of dense communist rhetoric

guy who tries to shut down the american government by putting a do not disturb sign on the door knob on the front door of the white house

guy who makes tomato pie

guy who crows at dawn

guy who spends six years gradually going insane as he obsessively tries to filter & eq a four-minute block of white noise millisecond by millisecond into being africa by toto, coming home every day & sitting down at his computer muttering “gotta make toto, gotta make toto”

guy who goes gaga for gorgonzola goulash

guy whose home address is visible if you google his first name

guy who thinks bladee was a member of monty python

guy who undergoes surgical modification to become emo

guy who tries to run a wikia about his own scalp with a different page for each hair

guy who licks doritos clean then hangs them from his ceiling with fishing line

guy who lives in constant excited anticipation of a hunk of meat falling out of the sky for no reason that he could then eat

guy who covets a pearl

guy who starts a subreddit dedicated to a pseudoscientific method of carbonating beverages by force of will

guy who uses “toad” as a verb in contextually inconsistent ways & never defines it

guy who tries to log in to other people’s accounts & just gets really confused when he reaches the password field & doesn’t know what to type in

guy who pulls you out of a hat before a dazzled audience

guy who habitually examines his spine unable to determine an endpoint at either side

guy crying in frustration over his inability to induce arthritis in himself

girl who dies of sleep deprivation because every time she falls asleep she has really funny dreams that make her wake up giggling

girl who destroys her life through numerous acts of wanton self-destruction after deciding her life is ruined because she came home from work one day & found a turtle in her room

girl with a phobia of dropping a coat hanger

girl who chases a shot of vodka with an entire gallon jug of milk

guy who records a three hour single take video of him in his front lawn using several dinosaur figurines to reenact personal drama in his life

girl who dies the first time she ever snores cause she snores so loud it explodes her body into chunks bits

guy who lives a full lifetime without ever discovering or otherwise inadvertently using his ability to kill trout with his mind

girl who compulsively thinks of herself as “honey nut cheerios woman” without ever defining to herself what that means & would feel severely embarrassed if anyone knew this

guy who verges on panic whenever he remembers that the mona lisa exists

girl who is hypothetically addicted to being blown up by dynamite

girl who avoids using emojis out of an anxious belief that there is a finite supply

guy who desperately wishes that while he was on a walk one night the moon would crack in half & spill out luminescent fluid so that his life would feel less monotonous

guy who suspects his pessimism of playing a role in the chronic instability of his wireless internet connection

girl who has to come home from her hectic office job each day & destress by rereading the wikipedia article on rabies

guy who frequently registers sockpuppet wikipedia accounts in a devoted effort to create & maintain a page about his bed, which he calls “the crash pad”

guy whose day is ruined if he encounters the cliche of “2+2=4” being written on an illustrated chalkboard

girl who adopts a dog & names it her name

girl who is certain in a matter-of-fact & non-self-deprecating way that she would be at the bottom of a global leaderboard with respect to some characteristic but doesn’t have even one guess as to what it would be

guy who refuses to wear any upper body clothing except football jerseys with his age on them

girl who wears rubber gloves when handling a can of energy drink

guy who thinks the milk used in ice cream comes from a specific breed of cow

guy who will learn about an entirely unfamiliar aspect of the world & make a post on the mandela effect subreddit about it having not previously existed

guy who gets caught at a social gathering washing his hands with rubber gloves on & gets really skittish & embarrassed about it for the rest of the afternoon even though no one is making a big deal about it at all

guy who wakes up each morning briefly imagining being cocooned in cool green tree leaves but totally forgets that it is a tendency outside of when it’s actually happening

girl who is subconsciously filled with constant preparedness to begin chewing through her own arm were it revealed that there was something important inside of it

person who has an “artist - title” juxtaposition that they inexplicably find powerfully comforting & very committedly never listens to the song out of fear of overwriting what the juxtaposition vaguely means to them in a vacuum

guy who is addicted to formulating spectra

guy who is inexplicably tried & executed for naturally looking exactly like john travolta & being named “john travolta,” & on the conscious basis of these two things rather than being mistaken for john travolta & receiving a punishment that was intended for him

guy whos corpse can time travel

big guy

guy who would become infatuated with any cryogenically frozen people he encountered or learned of

guy who moves to a tropical region after being told by an anonymous image board user that he will die if ever hit by a snowball

guy who produces an in vitro fertilization documentary promotional poster leak copyright prosecution trial footage analysis compilation

girl who fools you with her tricks

girl who strictly types ampersands instead of the word and

guy who prays to god every night that someone in the world will be killed by a falling girder

someone

guy who has a spiritual crisis after witnessing a bird getting into a fight with a squirrel

you

girl who has never finished a sentence

guy who tries to tell you that he can be your angel or your devil but misspells “angel” as “angle”

guy who registers a bandcamp account in beyonce’s name & uploads her albums merely out of a sincere interest in participating in the distribution of her music

girl who sprays a jet of blood out of one of her tear ducts when startled

girl with a high-paying government job who as a teenager ran a website which collated pictures of people’s embarrassing & ill-advised tattoos

guy who cartoonishly goes “muhahahahaha!” whenever he tells a joke that someone laughs at

guy who makes the fast food restaurant employees solve a hangman of his order every time

#I feel like I’ve run into people who actually do some of these things

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