cries-in-fat - Tumblr blog

[cries-in-fat]

Week #1 check-in for Japanese

I wanted to separate my physical and mental health from learning a language; that's why Japanese is solo.

#3 Learn Japanese

My ambitions were bigger than my reality.

I wanted to do at least one grammar point a day, plus all Anki reviews.

Wait, I did not share my plan. 

Alright, the primary grammar source is Cure Dolly: https://www.youtube.com/@organicjapanesewithcuredol49

She makes Japanese grammar simple and logical. I've read somewhere that her reasoning is not always applicable to all the scenarios that can happen in real language. But I couldn't care less about that. I need enough information to parse a sentence and start immersing ASAP. If her explanation does not fill all the gaps, immersion will. Well, at least to some extent. I've been immersed in English for years, and I don't feel like I understand everything and can always express everything correctly.

Other grammar resources will come when I need them. For now, I just google what is unclear and clarify it from various sources.

I also wanted to try WaniKani, but the price is not reasonable for what is behind the paywall. And that is only the system itself, not the data. And I like Anki more than their system - I want to be able to grade myself.  If the word is difficult and I recall it after thinking, I would hit Hard in Anki; the same cannot be done in WK. And the other way around - if I make a typo, it's alright to correct it in Anki but not in WK. 

Morally, I was conflicted about it, but I downloaded an Anki deck from Reddit that is using WK resources. Even though the data are accessible for free, I felt bad. But I started going through the deck, and the mnemonics that I thought were so valuable are often pretty... weird and annoying. Quite a few of them are random names, like Chou, Jourm, Kouichi, and Shougun... Other mnemonics don't really reflect the reading correctly, e.g. 'row' for 'ryou'; I typed in 'rou' several times. I am in the system already, and more than half of those mnemonics are OK, so I will fix those that are not useful and come up with better ones for myself.

For vocab, I downloaded Japanese Core x000 Vocab decks, where x is 1 through 6. I am going through the first deck slowly, but I think it's important not to overwhelm myself with reviews.

During the first week, I realised that I also needed to add grammar to Anki. Making notes is cool, but I need to actively recall the information.

For the past week, I was consistent with Anki, so vocabulary and kanji are getting some attention. Regarding grammar, that is a bit worse - I made notes till lesson 14, but I have only four lessons in my Anki deck.

I don't have the mental power to process grammar after work. Maybe it's OK to leave grammar for weekends.

We will see how it goes.

[cries-in-fat]

Week #1 check-in

The first week of 2024 is gone, and I am here to confess my sins.

It was tougher than expected when the work schedule fully hit me after the holiday break.

Let's have a look at my main goals then.

#1 Weight loss

Objectively, I lost half a kilo, which is nothing. But!

My sleep schedule has been consistent, and that is one of the reasons I feel great most of the time. No headaches so far.

I moved every day. There was a day I spent only 20 minutes on the treadmill, but I am still grateful that I got my lazy ass moving. I tried to use the hack: "Just tell yourself to do it for fifteen minutes, and after you start, you may last even longer". I started with that and was so exhausted I had to stop after 20 minutes. That still counts! My daily steps average is 8.588.

Eat only when feeling hungry. I managed to do this regarding the first meal of the day. I was failing a bit lot when the evening hit. I felt hungry and tired after work. I don't understand why my job is so exhausting. I may need to take breaks, use my lunch break for lunch or breakfast, and not eat while working.

#2 Mental health

Overtime at work. I was there one day longer, mostly because I was waiting for something and chatting with my colleagues. That helped a lot, I think. I feel like I have longer days - when I finish work, I can still accomplish a lot. But it's true that I am mentally tired. I need to look into that.

I realised I need to feel it is OK to leave on time. Because I start earlier than most people and should leave earlier. But it feels weird to go when everyone is still working. It shouldn't.

Exercise is covered above. I will add stretching to this point. My back needs more love.

No rants, no vents, no meltdowns. So far. That objectively means nothing, but it feels superb nonetheless. Even though I feel like ranting, I have enough self-control to contain it and reason with myself.

Being with my own thoughts. This is still pending. I am working on it and sometimes check in with myself before I put on headphones when I am about to start a chore - is there something I need to process? But it's not often enough, and there are times when I am alone with my thoughts and realise I have a lot to process.

Be OK with doing nothing. Nada. I am not OK with that. Even for today, I have 13 tasks on my calendar. I feel those things should be done, e.g. I should check in here, cook, do laundry and Anki reviews and other stuff. What changed, though, is how I think about it when I haven't finished all of them. I feel normal. I will not hate myself for doing laundry a day or week later; I have enough clothes. I usually tackle the most urgent ones first anyway, so cooking will probably not be skipped today. But if I miss it, I will survive - there is enough food. 

[cries-in-fat]

Weight loss plan

As mentioned, I want to shed 20 kg by the end of 2024. And here is my plan:

Sleep well and enough

Not enough good sleep makes me crave everything. I procrastinate sleep a lot, so going to bed early is the main concern here. Not only going to bed early but also going to sleep reasonably soon after that.

Move daily

I do not have to move at all as a WFH worker, which sucks. So, moving at least a bit is already better than not doing anything. I don't expect myself to hit the gym three times a week. I don't feel comfortable in a gym (including showers), and I can do all the exercises at home. But that is beside the point. I want to start slow and, if I like it, progress. (This is quitting prevention.)

In essence, that means not sitting on my bum all day long, learning, working or doing whatever unless I am sick or hitting a deadline. For now, walking is my best friend.

Eat only when feeling hungry

This one is very important to me. I thought I was not an emotional eater, but hell, I am. I can snack all day. When I am stressed at work, it can reach unbelievable proportions.

Eating healthy food is for extra points. Not eating anymore when I feel satiated is the top tier. Even when there is one bite left on the plate.

---

I failed in 2023 because I was eating too much healthy food and hit a plateau; that's why the most important point is not eating when not feeling hungry. I seriously consider myself addicted to food. And I am super ashamed to admit that. I cannot go cold turkey on food like I would on e.g. alcohol. So, I believe in this area, that type of addiction is a bit more problematic to manage. But it's doable; I know I can muster enough discipline.

I considered another point "to not have tempting food in the house". But that will not help. I can eat junk occasionally, and I will, but I need to learn that moderation is the key. This will prevent me from going crazy when eating out. Or so I hope. This is just a plan; if it will work, that's yet to be seen.

Another point is the mental health problem. Not feeling okay emotionally can make me quit quickly. In a split second, I can start hating myself for not performing well and give up the whole thing. Being screwed up in the head is just... so difficult.

I was wondering if it's possible to find support here when I hit that hard wall.

[cries-in-fat]

Resolutions of 2024

Everyone is doing that, adding the same resolutions every year, hoping THIS year will be different. And guess what? It WILL be different! Let's do this together. I am sending y'all good vibes.

I have multiple resolutions, but as I said in my previous post, my main goal is to lose some weight; let's start with that.

#1 Weight loss

How much? Twenty kilos (or 44 lbs for friends across the pond), is that realistic? That is 1.6kg (3.6 lbs) a month. That definitely sounds realistic enough.

Currently, I weigh 83 kg (183 lbs), and I am 160 cm (5.25 ft). If I reach my goal, that should put me in the green zone. I don't need to be skinny or slim or anything. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. Damn, even losing half of that would be awesome.

Now, the reality: I've been trying to lose weight for....ever? I was never normal in my life, so I do not know how that works, what normal people do and such. There is so much information floating everywhere, so this year, I will follow the most basic advice = eat better & move more. I may write about the other things later.

#2 Mental health

Alright, the next resolution is related to my mental health. I am a people pleaser, I look for validation, I suffer from anxiety... and the list goes on. I work a lot to please my boss and be considered a good employee; I stay late to help my coworkers, and the list goes on here as well. But I also have a temper problem. When someone or something pisses me off, I explode, and ten minutes later, I am as calm as humanly possible. But I rant and vent, and when I calm down, and the shame sets in, that's terrible. Honestly terrible. I don't swear; I am not screaming or anything like that; I just feel like I am annoying everyone in my vicinity with my complaints. I think the first part is caused by my non-existent confidence, so I need to prove that I am a worthy human being by doing more. And the temper problem is caused by the first part. Because I do too much and then I am mentally exhausted and easily frustrated.

That was a tangent, but I wanted to explain this. Adding a resolution that just says "fix my mental health" is not measurable. I want to be able to tell whether and how much I reached that goal at the end of 2024. The second resolution is partly in the first one: to exercise. The rest is learning how to mentally relax. That means limiting overtime and embracing the idea that doing nothing (mentally) is okay. I will measure these: how many days I did overtime and/or exercise. I also think it's important to be with my own thoughts and not be stimulated all the time, e.g. not listening to podcasts when I do dishes. I don't know how to measure that, though. Adding too many metrics would increase the pressure, and that would surely make me quit. I will think about it more.

#3 Learn Japanese

I want to learn the language. I failed a few times many years ago because all the content was in English, and I did not know English well enough to learn another language through it. And then, not that long ago, I failed one serious attempt because I got a job that was above my skill set, and I had to shift my focus and learn that asap.

I do not know how to measure this either. One year to learn a language that is so dissimilar to all the languages I know is an impossible challenge. I am at least conversational in three languages, and I can understand a few more (and nod in response :), but it's useless knowledge here. I will be starting from scratch, and honestly, I have no idea how much I can achieve in one year. Some people say you can get fluent in two years by studying 12-16 hours a day. There is no way I can dedicate that much time. However, I might monitor my study time and, at the end of 2024, asses my reading and listening comprehension.

--

Well, these are my main resolutions. It's basically about fixing my physical and mental health, aka my whole existence. With a little Japanese cherry on top of it.

If there is someone in the internet void, who would like to join me in one or more, I'd be delighted.

Happy New Year!

[cries-in-fat]

Who is this fattie, and what is this all about

Hey, Internet!

I have been thinking about blogging forever. And I was blogging a few years back, got some audience and then life happened. Life died with corona, so here I am again.

Who am I? Hard to say, impossible to define. Just me. Yeah, well, that didn't really help you to decide whether to follow this blog or not.

These blog posts will be about me, my opinions and my struggles in existence.

Sometimes, I am an oversharer who doesn't want to bother her friends (oh yeah, I am a girl, hello!), but I can write an infinite number of posts, and no one will be overwhelmed. If you don't like a topic, just skip the post, and I wouldn't even know.

The reason I created a blog with that name is simple. I am a fatty trying to lose weight. I will blog about that.

My mental health is a bomb I cannot drop on my friends. So I will drop it on the mighty Internet. I don't know why I chose Tumblr, though. Maybe it's because it's easy to start a blog here. Perhaps I thought my content might be weird and even controversial, but nothing compared to some other stuff on Tumblr. Or maybe it's the level of expectations: I am not a philosopher or someone important. My posts won't be written and re-written a thousand times. I don't have an editor or voluminous vocabulary, or, hell, I haven't been writing in years. I just want to get it out.

How often will that happen? God knows. I can get crazy and blog every other day, or I might abandon this silly idea in a week. Or I will leave it in a month after crazily blogging every other day.

My English is getting worse every year. But I am willing to re-learn. If you find a grammar error, point it out. Gently. Please.