ctjxox

[ctjxox]

S1:E1: anxiety + depression

How do you start something like this? A simple question, I know. However, I now have a little anxiety. A million things just raced through my head at once, like a rocket. I know all the things I want to say. I wish I could spit them all out on paper at once… puke them out, even.. they’re making me sick. They’re ALL right here in my head. All together in one room, even. There are a thousand thoughts and thoughts that can be categorized together in cute little bubbles- “ugh who has time for that?! I wish I had time for that..” Seems simple enough, right? Well, not for someone like me. Every thought is bustling, fluttering, flashing, flying. I know which category or ‘bubble’, so to speak, each belongs to. Yet, I can’t catch a single thought quick enough or grasp onto anything long enough, to do a damn thing with it. Hints why I stare off into space so much. I can't even keep up with my own brain. And if I do catch them, they’re fleeting from my hands (mind) faster than a bolt of lightening. So, welcome! You’ve just unlocked a single thought (roughly 30 seconds in real time) in the mind of, yes, me. Sometimes these boughs of anxiety can literally last for days, while some may literally only last 30 seconds, (*insert shoulder shrug emoji here*). And if everything you just read is something you go through every day with damn near every thought... you might wanna grab a seat and get comfy. I'm gonna spend some time (at my own pace, of course- ya know.. anxious?) laying out on paper, for all to see and piece together, my "wired wrong" mind, like piecing together a puzzle. A puzzle that might make you feel really good and relaxed. One that might be hard to work through but will be so worth it when it's done. One that presents a beautiful finishing message that reads, "You're not alone." My ultimate goal in this is to help myself and to hopefully help others in the process, in showing that some things, or EVERY thing, that goes through our minds are NOT “crazy” things, and in fact, are quite NORMAL things. I still struggle daily in reminding myself of all of this. You'd never know the normalcy if the subject's never brought up, yet no one wants to talk about it. I do. So let's do it. Let's get deep, let's get weird, let's get sad and maybe angry. But let's all end with getting happy. I'll be posting my own thoughts on a daily basis- how I handle hard situations (the good, bad and ugly), motivational quotes, videos and song lyrics that have saved my life. Again, I'm not trying to change the world, I'm just trying to change. See comments for a link to a music video with lyrics that you will feel deep in your bones. And if you've never heard of NF, your life's about to change! And also a copy of the lyrics if you want to read along while ya listen...I do not own any kind music rights whatsoever to any of the music being posted**

https://youtu.be/4-nL6QgMDUw

Yeah, look I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though Yeah, I been on it for a while, dunno how to put it down Gotta have it, it's a habit I'ma break though I just wanna take a hit, keep sayin' I'ma quit Keep sayin' I'ma leave, but I stay though I just want a little fix, I don't wanna take a risk I don't like it when I drift from the safe zone But lately, I been thinkin' I'ma have to Lettin' go of things that I'm attached to World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood You don't know what love is 'til you holdin' onto somethin' that you can't lose I swear I'm tryna get it together Sleeves up, puttin' work in, tryna be better I like to rap, but I ain't gon' do it forever Forget the charts, I've been focusin' on holdin' my head up Moment I get up, I just wanna know I'm doin' my best And if I'm not, Lord forgive me, you can have the regrets 'Cause I can feel the water tryna go up over my head Most of my life, I always felt like I was holdin' my breath Holdin' my chest to be honest, so I'm tired of it Lookin' for somethin' in my life to be inspired again I like to walk around and act like I don't know what it is But I know what it is, I just never wanna commitRunnin' from change I'm lookin' for change I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for change I just want, I just want changeYeah, I don't like new things Got a lot of mood swings Oh, you wanna tell me somethin' negative? I don't wanna hear what you think Yeah, tossin' in my sleep Every night feel like two weeks Thinkin' 'bout how I could have done this or done that better Can't help it, that's just me, lies That's me avoidin' the change Yeah, that's probably why the issues ain't goin' away Yeah, that's probably why I always sit around and complain Tellin' myself that I ain't never gettin' out of this place Out of my face if you tellin' me I need to be different That's the issue though, I'm always insecurity-driven Takin' the wrong turns, actin' like I know where I'm headed Waitin' for somethin' bad to happen, I can snap any minute I need change Yeah, that's kinda easy to say, right? But difficult to do when I feel like I hate life And everyone around me kinda thinks I'm a great guy But I don't ever think it so I think I'm a fake liar Change, it's somethin' that I know I should do I'm a little uncomfortable to tell you the truth But to be honest with you lately, I got nothin' to lose See, I've always been full of pain, but now I'm makin' some roomLookin' for change I'm lookin' for change I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for change I just want, I just wantI need a moment of silence I don't like change, but I'll try it I don't wanna hear what I should or I shouldn't do Why are they always defiant? See, all my emotions are liars All my emotions are violent They don't want freedom to find me Mention a name and everybody riots (change) Yeah, that's why I'm checkin' my vitals They keep on workin', but I know Breathin' don't mean you're alive so I bag up all of my trash and walk out on my tightrope Positive thoughts are my rivals (change) I'm tryna be be on their side though Should I feel comfortable? I don't Last year, I felt suicidal This year, I might do somethin' different like talkin' to God moreI'm lookin' for change I'm lookin' for (yeah) I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for I just want, I just want change I'm lookin' for (yeah) I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for, yeah (ay, ay) I just want, I just want change Yeah, I'm lookin' for I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for (yeah) I just want, I just want change I'm lookin' for (ay) I'm searchin' for change I'm lookin' for, yeah I just want, I just want changeSource: LyricFindSongwriters: Nate Feurerstein / Thomas James ProfittChange lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group