darkanddirtyknb

[darkanddirtyknb]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Life has been as hard and cruel as it has beautiful. But today is a particularly somber day. Today my grandpa passed away. I was in the hospital room with him when it happened. He had so many things going on that he couldn’t overcome despite fighting hard to survive. He went peacefully, though, and he no longer has to suffer here on earth. I’m very sad. I feel hollow, yet, happy that he’s at peace. I just needed to put my feelings somewhere and Tumblr has always been a good place for me to place my thoughts. I hope you’re all doing well, and that life is treating you a little better than it’s been treating me lately. ❤️

[darkanddirtyknb]

Personal Update

Hello, my beautiful like-minded creatures in the flesh,

It’s been a while since I gave an update, and I thought one was long overdue. If I’m wrong about this and you don’t care to read about my personal life (I really don’t blame you), please go on about your day. I hope it’s a great one! If you are interested, I will clue you into what’s been happening.

As usual, I have already had many medical appointments this year and many more to come. I had a procedure done on my right shoulder last month (happy July, by the way!) to see if we can get a steroid concoction to help me. If it doesn’t (it’s been touch and go so far), I will need to have a different, more painful procedure done. I’m still playing around with medication, trying new things, getting new side effects, and finding out that my body is pretty much anti-all pills. It’s super frustrating, to be honest. I’m all for being clean, and I think that less is usually best, but in my case, I’m getting no relief anywhere. I’m not sleeping. The brain fog is worse than ever, my memory is awful, joint pain, neuropathy, and muscle fatigue are worse, etc… All in all, the physical stuff is different in a few ways, but pretty much the same.

However, I’ve been in a down spell with my mental health. The depression lately has been impressive, really. I work hard daily to stay positive and keep my head above water, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t back-breaking work. That alone makes it hard to be productive, but I’m forcing myself to do things—it’s unfortunate because writing hasn’t been one of them. I want to, and the urge is there, but my memory and ability to form sentences are making it extremely hard, and writing seems impossible right now. Even writing this has been a journey and not a good one. Very bad, in fact. Think boggy marsh full of mosquitoes, mud-filled shoes, and sweltering, humid heat. I’m working hard to get out of the swamp and onto a tropical island, but until then, this is where I’m at—overrun by anxiety, depression, and medical hang-ups. I’m working with my therapist, though. Soon, I will be starting EMDR. That should be fun. I’ve been touching on a lot of trauma lately, so hopefully unlocking all of it and putting it in the right place will help me move forward.

There’s more, but I think you’re all smart cookies, and you got the gist of things. This update has become long enough. I hope that you’re all doing well by staying happy, healthy, and living life to its fullest! I mean that. Truly. I care about all of you, even if we don’t talk much or at all in some cases.

Take care and be safe. The world is as terrifying as it is beautiful right now.

With all my love, Kai (your local disturbed homo)

[darkanddirtyknb]

NEW STORY ON AO3

Hi! It's been a while, but I'm back with the second part of my library story! It's quite an old feature on this blog, but it's been reworked and four new pages of content have been added. The old one needed some dire patching up. So here's the link if you're interested! I hope you're all doing great! 🖤

[darkanddirtyknb]

I just found turn my camera on on a03 and pls never delete it holy moly- it was a perfect smut, there was love, aftercare, and such hot sex. You could feel the yearing even during the sex and the dirty talk was amazing. Its the best representation ive seen of subspace and domspace with both perspectives and narratives from the male and female character. Im utterly obsessed and WILL be returning to it many times to come!

It's only been twelve years since you wrote me, but I still wanted to reply! Thank you so much for your comment. It means so much to me to see people still reading my works. Not only reading them, but taking the time to leave me such lovely reviews. I have to admit, I had to go on my account to see which story this was. q(≧▽≦q) I swear, I have zero memory. That said, thank you again for taking the time to send me this message. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

[darkanddirtyknb]

NEW STORY ON AO3!

Hi guys! It's been a while! I haven't posted much lately because I'd be writing more health updates and what's the point? You have the jist of what my life is all about, so I wanted to stay mum and work on this new piece. It's probably not going to appeal to many of you, but if you're here because you're a fan of my work, please check it out. I'm pretty pleased with it. Here's the link! 🎈 Even if you could take a second to leave me kudos, it would be much appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well! It's crazy windy where I am today, and I can't go outside, but warmer days are finally coming! Midwest winters go on forever. 😖 Sending you all my love! 😘

[darkanddirtyknb]

It’s always something. My uncle was diagnosed with stage four lung and bone cancer. Our pipes froze in the brutal temperatures. Our furnace is slowly dying. An undignified death. My parents hate each other more than even but neither will leave. Now, I have to figure out how to cut a toxic person out of my life. But the problem is, she’s my mother. Is a break too much to ask for? Life has always gotta do its thing, doesn’t it? 😩 I’ll get back up though. I always do. Just gotta vent first.

[darkanddirtyknb]

you've done more than enough. i understand the urge to apologize, but you are so much more than any disappointment you feel in yourself. and you still want to do more - that speaks so much to your character and your passion. i am a stranger on the internet, but i am immensely proud of you, and i'm happy that you have a new source of income. i'm impressed by the fact that you still want to write, even when you don't get paid for it, but you've always been impressive in that regard, even before starting the patreon. i've been around that long! and i'll still be around even longer than that! no goodbyes, only love

Deanna, you never fail to bring light into my day. I’ve known you for a long time now, stranger on the internet, and you have always been so kind and supportive. Thank you for your heartfelt words. Today has not been a good one, but your message managed to make me smile. I’ll still be around. If you need anything, I’m here. ❤️

[darkanddirtyknb]

Addendum

Wow, I didn't expect so many messages and comments about my decision. They're all good! But I'm absolutely starved, so I'm gonna eat and shower, then I'll answers your questions/comments. But I want to clear one thing up since I've already had it asked three times, I am not shutting down my Tumblr. No worries! 💙

[darkanddirtyknb]

Important Notice

I want to give a warm hello to all of my beautiful like-minded freaks, creeps, and horny little toads. We have had quite the journey together. It's hard to believe I started my blog and Patreon so long ago. Sometimes it's painful to reflect on because I was in a much better place when I started my blog. But we learn to live with the hand we receive in life, and that's what I'm doing. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting this today. This has been a long time coming, and I suppose I've been putting it off because I haven't wanted to admit it to myself. I've been in such a period of stasis. But I kept trying to convince myself that I could return to how I used to be—putting out content like the wind, writing commissions, having deep discussions and long conversations with my supporters, and so on. But the truth is, I just can't do it anymore. My body has taken a toll on me, and my fire has burned out. My physical health (and sometimes mental) has taken its course, and this is the path I have no choice but to follow. However, despite the war I'm waging with my body, there is good news. I won my disability claim. I'm not making much, but it's enough that I can support myself monetarily. So, I will be closing my Patreon. I'll also no longer be writing commissions for the foreseeable future. I've been delaying this part of my announcement because I hate letting people down. My Patreon aside, I made a lot of promises to people that I couldn't keep. For that, I'm sorry. I never accepted any money for work I didn't start, so I owe no one anything in a monetary way. But I will be letting people down, and that truly bothers me. If you were in line for a story, I give you my sincerest apologies from the bottom of my heart. If you feel like I let you down in any way, I'm sorry for that too. That said, to be fair, I didn't know this was going to happen to me. I hold no control over the turns my health takes, and if I could change it, I would. I will still post from time to time. I'm not giving up on writing. But what once took me one to two days now takes me weeks, sometimes months to finish. I will still be around, and I will still engage with my followers. I'm not disappearing. My health may have won this round, but I won't let it take me down. I've come too far to give up what I love. I actually have a very detailed story in the works, and come hell or high water, I will finish it. I want to thank everyone who has stuck by my side. To everyone who has supported me, shared talks with me, read my works, liked my stories, and left comments—thank you. These things have helped me through some of my darkest hours. As for my Patrons, hopefully, by closing my account this month, you'll be able to have some extra money after the holidays. I want to give a special thank you to you. You kept me afloat by helping me pay for necessities like my medication, food, gas for medical appointments, and more. Without you, I truly don't know how I would have reached this point in my life. I hope there are no hard feelings. I'm doing what I need to for myself, but also, what I feel is best. If I get a second wind, I might write those stories still jotted down on my whiteboard. You never know. Lastly, I want to share another piece of good news. My parents surprised me with a new friend. I will post pictures of her below. Her name is Luna. (Not after Luna Lovegood, but our Lord and Savior, The Moon.) She has certainly kept me on my toes, and I'm not sure she's been the best thing when it comes to my disabilities, considering I can barely keep up with her. But I'm in love, and I know that ultimately, she'll be well worth the hassle—which she most definitely is right now. She's a right pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure she's a quarter Gremlin, a quarter Audrey 2, and two-quarters Piranha. I'm sending all my love to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. If you have any questions or just want to shoot me a message please don't hesitate. Please take care of yourselves. It's dangerous business out there. Much love, Kai

[darkanddirtyknb]

Happy birthday dear! I’m so very sorry for all you’re going through. Sending you a hug and wishes for improved health. Good vibes to you!

Thank you so much, love! I appreciate your kindness. Sending back a hug along with the best vibes! 💜🤍

[darkanddirtyknb]

Happy Birthday Kai 💜 I hope things start looking up for you, you’ll get through it 💜

Thank you, Serah! I hope so too! I wish you all the best! Sending my love. 💜🖤

[darkanddirtyknb]

Happy birthday 🎂🎈🎉

I hope things will get better for you

Thank you so much, lovely. I hope you're doing well! 🖤🤍🎈

[darkanddirtyknb]

UPDATE

Hi guys! I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sorry for my long absence. Things have not been going well for me. For starters, my therapist was fired, and while I didn't think she was doing much to help me, once she was gone, I realized that she was. (Don't know what you got till it's gone, right? I love Cinderella. The band. Not the Disney... It doesn't matter.) But my mental health is still better than my physical health. I was in the hospital two days ago. Turns out I have severely low thyroid levels and an infection. The antibiotic I'm on has been wreaking havoc on my body. I've developed every day headaches, worse than ever. Some of my test results are inconsistent with what's supposed to be normal for me. I feel like I have the flu all the time. I'm just not doing the best. In other words, a lot of shit is going on. However, I still wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone. Today is my birthday, and I'm determined to take it easy despite all of this. I hope you're all having a good holiday season and that you continue to do so. If it's been shitty, I hope it improves. If you've been the reason it's been shitty, stop being a Grinch. I love you all. Take care and happy holidays! Much love, Kai

[darkanddirtyknb]

yo for the record if you put something in my inbox and i never respond it’s not that i didn’t like it or read it it’s that i very very often see messages and go ‘oh i should respond to that’ and then i fucking forget until it’s like. been enough time to be weird

[darkanddirtyknb]

NEW STORY ON AO3!

Hi guys! I posted a little something for you today. I don't think I've posted any Nijimura on my AO3 account yet, so if you're interested, here's the link! Also, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for an html editor or script. For some reason, when I post into AO3 my formatting gets really janky. I used to use the posting script but mine seems to be broken. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm usually pretty good at figuring this stuff out but I've lost my touch. Thank you~~

[darkanddirtyknb]

Hey there lovelies,

It’s been a bit. I wanted to hop on and let you know what’s going on. I recently had my MS checkup and so far my physical is not showing MS. We can’t rule it out with just that, however. I’ll need a lumbar puncture to know for sure. I’ll be getting a T Spine MRI first since it’s less invasive. My physical exam is abnormal, but my neurologist can’t pinpoint exactly why. I’ll be seeing a specialist next year to determine what is going on, and why my neuropathy is getting worse. My body aches have been nearly unbearable lately. For the past month I’ve also felt like I have the flu. I’m not sick. It’s just a part of whatever’s going on. As for the pains, it’s hard to even walk some days. 😩 I am working on something new for you guys, though. I truly want to get back into the swing of things. I miss writing so much. 😭 I hope you’re all doing well. I miss talking to you. Take care and stay safe! 🤍

[darkanddirtyknb]

Hi! I’ve fallen into KNB hole again. I was wondering if you wrote this Hanamiya x reader fic on AO3 where Hanamiya had gotten with the reader because of a bet (?), and when the reader found out they broke it off. Makoto then became miserable and no one could contact him. One day, the reader visits his apartment (because everyone had been bothering them about Makoto) and finds out that his mum has been in hospital. Reader makes soup for him as he showers. They then go to the hospital and his mum refers to him as “Mako-chan”. Reader is then convinced by Makoto to date again. It’s in a college setting and Makoto was a librarian for a shop, I think.

Thank you 😊💫

Hi sweet cheeks! Happy to hear you're back in basketball hell! I did not write that, but I'll be posting this so hopefully someone is familiar with it. Please point this lost soul in the right direction! 💖