dazedgreeneyes - Tumblr blog

[dazedgreeneyes]

being the eldest daughter is just *asks mother what’s wrong* *cannot express emotions* *”don’t worry i’ll do it”* *fiercely independent but only bc you would rather die than inconvenience someone by asking for help* *carries the trauma of your entire family* *asks mother what’s wrong* *the constant feeling of guilt that has no known origin* *third parent. maybe even replacement father if urs is shitty enough* *emotional punching bag for both parents* *not even a slight clue as to what a healthy boundary is* *asks mother what’s wrong*

[dazedgreeneyes]

11 days until Christmas and my family has fallen apart. Not a single present for anyone, not even a tree to view. No lights hung up to enjoy, or any happy glowing smiles. All of us have given up, and given into to hating each other.

It makes me think of things I dreamt up as a child. Wishing things were worse to validate the current pain, all those years ago. Now we're here, it's real, and no one remembers those things back then. I'm struggling to keep my head up, keep my wrists clean, to remember how it felt when I saw my mom had cut, and wished I could take it all away.

Now I'm sitting here bleeding under dull lights I put up for the sake of repeating tradition. She doesn't know and I won't tell her. How it feels when she yells at me and I start to stutter. Hips bleeding under jeans too tight, they hide it so well, so right. They'd never know and I'll never say. They'll say I'm just a cutter.

They'll say I'm just a cutter.

So maybe we take a step back, barely speak. More like I try to talk, and you give me the silent treatment. Sure we fought last night, but does that mean we have to keep being mean until none of us say way we think we mean? I want to know what you think of me. Why do I hate you, but why why do you hate me? The stupid thing you wished for, the twinkle in your dull eye. Take back those pretty things you said about me, the stories that are really lies. Made of nothing but toxic tries, again and again for something you cannot have. Until you force it and take it and brought me here.

For the sake of your happiness, for the sake of mine. Can we just move on from this, couldn't we try? Try to support me despite my impulse. To fuck up everything, and everyone I hold close. I'm sorry I ruined these things, I'm sorry I stole all your pretty. Pretty pretty poetry and etiquette, your sense of self and bravery. Now I've ruined and trashed it. Wasted it on Vodka and cigarettes and thinking too many thoughts.

The same way you wasted your pretty on him. Your pretty talented just for a little baby. A baby you shouldn't have, unstable unhappy unalive. Wished for me to take it all away. The world on my shoulders before we even knew my name. Wasted all your pretty, goodness, talented soul. Gave up on us the moment you wanted me. Think again about wishing. By having me we ruined everything.

Why did you waste your beauty on someone like me? I'm sure you regret conceiving me. All the nightmares all the bad times. Never made it easier only made you suffer. I didn't mean to be so hard. I didn't mean to be so hard. Why did you bring me here to hurt you more?

[dazedgreeneyes]

I drew a smile in the fog of the back door glass. It rained earlier and I danced. I drew a tear and walked away. Came back and draged my finger tips down each eye. I'm crying and crying and crying. My mom walked by and pulled down the blinds. I was still in view and she didn't see me. And I stood there thinking. Maybe I'm invisible. I wiped the glass with my sleeve. And smoked my cigarette. Tears still elude me and I can't feel. I checked the knob and found it locked. It's okay when she takes shots. But not so much when I. Cry in the fog of the glass of the back door. My sibling let me in when I realized. I'm invisible and trembling and scared. I'm standing out here by myself. They let me in and so I thought. I'll bring a knife when I go back out. And cut my skin into bleeding little lines and dots. I can't find any life in me. Especially when you cover it up with blinds. You're always the victim cause I'm not good enough. But I never asked to be your child. You wonder why I'm so vile. Think about the gene pool you pulled from. The father I thought I had for these 21 one years. The daddy that might be thanks to a Snapchat filter. I'm made up of no one and everyone and no one and everyone. You wonder why I'm like this. But look at you, then look at me and reconsider. You birthed me, not even really, I never wanted out, you had a C-section. I came out with the chord around my fucking throat, the doctor said "Damn, if we'd done this wrong you wouldn't be so lucky," I wish a more incompetent doctor had pulled me from your weak womb. Then maybe I wouldn't be standing crying at the moon. She doesn't listen, nor do the stars or the sun. No one is here, no one is home. Knock on the back door. It's locked.

[dazedgreeneyes]

I feel hopeless and empty and fucking alone, I feel like I was set up for failure from the very beginning

[dazedgreeneyes]

She asks me a question, but when I answer it in a way that doesn't confirm and directly relate to what she's asking of my personal experience then she cuts me off to ask someone else. Why does my answer have to be the same as yours to validate it? Why do you keep cutting me off when I don't say what you want to hear? I'm not the same child with a moldable personality, I've developed my own skewed self, it differs from you and from the little girl you knew so now you don't want to hear me. You feel silenced by my difference just as I feel silenced by your invalidation and sometimes conditional love. I feel silenced by the desperate attempts to latch onto a me that isn't me anymore. And it isn't yours. You forced me into this world on selfish whim and constant wishing. I'm nothing but manifested. And manifested I was, a manifestation of you, a version of you that isn't scared to cross lines and break rules and spit in the face of people who oppose me or hurt me. You try to tamp it down, tame the rampant pathetic child you created, with whom and how, details you're not even sure of anymore. I am an enigma of desperate manifestation and grovelling of someone who couldn't bear to be alone. Now together, we are still alone and I wander lost and continue to evade the pestering of our linked souls. I wish I didn't exist just as I wish you had been healthy and safe and didn't need me. I wish I'd never been conceived or wished for or brought into this morbid and desolate stupid existence. There's nothing left for me. You dragged me here, and here I shall suffer.

[dazedgreeneyes]

I am endlessly lost

[dazedgreeneyes]

That little shaky breath tremor as you try not to cry

[dazedgreeneyes]

[dazedgreeneyes]

The more time that passes, the more suicidal I feel and it's getting scary lololol

[dazedgreeneyes]

Seems like everything is falling apart, you know

People are changing

We're drifting apart

I'm falling farther away from everyone

And things, feelings, places, moments, time

They don't feel real

I feel like a ghost watching my own life

I feel like an empty vessel

I lack emotions but feel them all at once

I'm stuck in a black hole somewhere

And time doesn't stop just because you're lost

[dazedgreeneyes]

Damn. The way a vibrator will never let you down.

[dazedgreeneyes]

I'm so tired of drinking and getting depressed before I'm done having fucking fun. Can I have five minutes? Please? Of feeling sexy and good and fun before I'm sobbing on the floor? For fucks sake. Over the stupidest triggers. And I'm always fucking alone.

[dazedgreeneyes]

I'm gonna be stuck alone for fucking ever. No one understands. I ask for too much.

[dazedgreeneyes]

The worst part is I'm too cowardly to every even consider trying. I can think of it, dream it up, imagine it in detail all day long. But when it comes to finally... I can't. I won't. I have the power to give up and be done and I never will. I'm forcing myself to live with the failure I know I'm going to be.

[dazedgreeneyes]

Wow you vent for 5 seconds and Tumblr eats the post thanks a fucking lot

[dazedgreeneyes]

And fuck I want to die

Want it to just all be over. I mean what am I even trying for. I don't even try hard. And I'm so scared of my own damn self and other people and I'm so scared and why am I doing this why am I still doing day to day life feeling miserable and lost and empty when I know deep down I'm not going to meet my goals. And then what? I'll have nothing to show for all my worrying. It'd be easier if I just died. It would be easier if I stopped living. Stopped trying. I'm hardly trying as it is. What am I doing. Wasting time. And time is a waste of time. What am I doing.

[dazedgreeneyes]

God I want a cigarette