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[diaryofafemalesociopath-blog]

Entry #1

This is beginning. Not of my life or my diagnosis but rather, the beginning of my thorough and honest documentation of my perception of life from this point forward. I will occasionally reference back to my past but will try to refrain from doing so to avoid clouding my true perception. This was sparked by a desire to find my true motive in life. It was brought to my attention recently that my diagnosis might not be exactly correct. For the last few years I have understood myself as schizoaffective with rapid cycling moods. My friend, we will call him Adam, thinks I may have antisocial personality disorder. Or may in the least, fall somewhere on the spectrum. Since he gave me this observation, my thoughts have been pretty all consumed by trying to decipher if that is what I am. I never felt that my diagnosis was 100% correct but chalked it up to psychology and language lacking. I believe it's crucial at this point to explain how it is I look at life on a fundamental level currently. I believe that we live in one of many universes stacked on top of each other, I believe there are millions of versions of each one of us. I believe that much of what we do does not matter, only that it matters to us and to a select few for a short amount of time after we are gone. But ultimately, when I end, so does my perception of this planet and therefore I don't give a ton of thought to what it will be like past my existence. I would like to make something of lasting significance, some advancement in medicine or some piece of art but I also understand that that doesn't matter too much either. So for that reason, my interactions with people and the pain I feel towards the end of relationships has started to become less and less important to me. People come and go. While some may be missed for the unique mind they brought to the table, ultimately I will be entertained by another, not entirely in the same capacity but enough so that I can continue on. Which brings us to the biggest draw in my life, intelligence and unique perspectives. People fascinate me and I tend to study them in a very unorthodox manner, enjoying the darker and darker perspectives I can collect. I enjoy watching another persons psyche unravel in front of me and I do almost anything I can to obtain this information. I manipulate and deceive to get what I ultimately want, more specific knowledge. I observe people and their mannerisms and watch what they do when think no one does. This ultimately leads them to trust me because I flatter their ego, I stroke them in the way most don't. I seem to have a fine sense of empathy and this unlocks things they've never told before. But that's the current question that consumes me: Do I actually have empathy or is it a simulated manipulation tactic? The last key piece of my perspective that I feel should be stated is how I view myself and my mind. I label myself as certain things to help others understand on some level who I am and also, to understand certain things about myself. I then use this diagnosis to find likeminded individuals. This drives from a very deep seeded loneliness and an impossible mission to find complete companionship in this complex thing I have between my ears. So I don't completely identify with any one diagnosis, I feel as though I'm on many different spectrums. This is about trying to figure out exactly which spectrums those are and hopefully, come to a place of understanding why I do most of what it is I do. Because the easiest way to find someone like myself is first, understanding who I am fully and then continually searching. Maybe I will never find that person and I'll just become a collection of others perspectives but as long as I'm occupied, I don't mind the outcome. There generally comes a point in most conversations I have with decently self aware individuals where I attempt to explain my loneliness. I'll reference the video "Is My Red the Same As Your Red?" By vsauce. He goes through the theory that it's possible that when people say they see red or orange that they aren't necessarily seeing the perception as each other. But when you know something as red your entire life and have no other way of explaining that perception, how will we know? Our language fails us in this sense. We cannot ever understand each other 100%. Each individual stimulation you take in throughout your life shapes your perception moving forward. So it's constantly evolving as well. Making understanding and communicating it even more difficult. So you see, I'm after the impossible. But it has been years on years of feeling different compounded into this want. Adam, described me as a shark. I go from each individual to the next, absorbing what I can. I'm never satisfied and never stop. And when I asked him what I should do with this newfound assessment he said, just keep swimming, that's all a shark can do. So let's say hypothetical, I am on the spectrum and I have an apathetic approach to life, can I stop myself from doing something horrible or am I destined to stay on this path? I know the urges I've been having recently and they aren't things that will lead to anything productive for me. But even if I gain control over this Incessant need to obtain new perspectives, then what? I become bored. I need an outlet, if it's going to work, I need to shift focus. Any time I block out those feelings and attempt to lead a normal life, I get a feeling inside. Not empty, not even necessarily frustration but a building up of pressure. An itch that needs to be scratched, and if it isn't, it doesn't go away, only grows. I know what I sound like and I promise that is something I'm fully aware of and want to avoid. I'm at this point with this discovery process where I can easily tip. Do I head down the monstrous path or do I take a different road? I've been wading in the waters getting waste deep and staring longingly at the deep end. I have not made the leap fully because once I go in, there is far less a chance of coming out. I will go into specifics as we go along, I promise it won't always be vague metaphors. One of my biggest symptoms in what I have believed to be mania was my impulse control. I have very little impulse control, some might even say I have none which is highly likely. A lot of my "gain in control" could just be a laziness and lack of interest. I can control almost any action I do except for when it comes to new enticing perspectives, then most of my reasoning goes out the door. I'm not even careful about it. I'm extremely risky. Sure, I care about my life to a certain extent. But when you get to a point where every day emotions and interactions bore you, your life seems much less important in a gamble to gain something new. Examples examples. Five days ago I went climbing in Joshua Tree. One of my favorite hobbies is bouldering or free-climbing. You climb up a boulder on a specific route with no ropes. It's enthralling. It entertains my need for adrenaline, physical and mental occupation. It's everything I need in an activity. Anywho, we started climbing late at night because during the summer, the heat is unbearable. So we're on the Pinhead boulder and It's an easy warm up boulder. I climb up a few routes and it gets my adrenaline. I hop on my third route and it's a style of climbing I'm not the best at but it's around my level so I try it regardless. I get half way through and attempt to reach for the next move but fall and inch or two short. I decide to jump down and restart the problem after looking at it from the ground. The fall was planned and controlled but I had forgotten that we had stacked the crash pads and my foot landed right on the edge of the pad, rolling inward. There was no crack but I felt intense pain immediately, probably some of the most intense pain I've ever felt...and I enjoyed it to a certain extent. Right after I laid it there, I remember clenching my fist and telling myself to embrace the pain and control it. I then walked on it a mile back to camp. And then another few miles the next day. I have very little concern for my actual body, the only reason I stopped pushing was the thought of my favorite hobby being something I could no longer do. So I stopped. But that pain was something I thoroughly enjoyed. Even now, I enjoy the test of standing on it and feeling to pain rush into me. I'm trying to be conservative though so that my ligaments and tendons can heal. Because how intimidating is a person who can't run or use her ankle properly? The answer is not very. I will stop here.