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[diaryofalamb]

How do I know if I’m stretching my stomach? I’m doing okay eating wise, like it takes a whole day for me to eat a sandwich. And not even a comically large sandwich one would find in scooby doo, just a regular sandwich with meat and cheese and spread. I can’t tell if I’m stretching my stomach but I feel good. I’m down to 170 and I don’t know if I’ll lose more weight. I’m gonna up the exercise, I’ve been fascinated (with only hints of alarm) with how squishy and stretchy I am. My stomach still protrudes out some and I like to stretch the skin on my thigh to see it come back but I’m hopeful that exercising and building muscle under this will slim down some of the pudge. Like I’m a couch and I got rid of my cotton insides to the frame but now I want to put in foam to have more cushion if that makes sense.

Ive felt very nostalgic today, I looked up people I went to high school with to see how they’re doing. I graduated in 2016, can you believe? The cliche still stands, it feels like only yesterday I graduated. Usually nostalgia would make me panic and cry and cling to something temporary but I can smile and think of the memories I shared with people. I do still cry when I think of my old friends, like I don’t deserve their presence in my life now but who knows. Maybe therapy will help me with these feelings. It’s so weird, dismantling the things you cling to as truth. Coming to terms the things that used to gouge you hollow and realizing that it doesn’t hurt that much when you face it head on rather than ignoring it.

I miss my three best friends and our circle of friends we had in high school and college but sometimes there’s no repairing a damaged thread. Sometimes you just gotta let the thing unravel. And sometimes you let the skin heal before you can go play again. I hope and will work towards the future where we can come together again, even as acquaintances.

I’m still very much in love with A, I’m working on being a better person, someone who can communicate and think through things before assuming things. I hope I can make him happy, he deserves so much happiness in his life. I also want to be able to show him my worst and not fear the abandonment I always believe is around the corner. The fear that makes me want to abandon him first before he can do it to me. But I need to have faith in our relationship and trust him, in his feelings and intelligence and that he’ll be honest with me when it matters. I don’t mind him lying to me if it’s about my cooking, how attractive I look in general, or if he wants to join in my activities that don’t appeal to him. I just want him to be honest about his feelings, his wants, and what future he wants, whether or not I’m in it.

I’ll probably do another update in a minute. Just want to get this out.

[diaryofalamb]

[diaryofalamb]

Jesus Christ, I expected my periods would be irregular for a bit after the surgery due to the weight loss and whatnot but my shit has been regulating with no problem. Before the surgery and before I got on birth control I was pretty regular, my period would come maybe like a day early or a day late depending on my stress but it would always show and stay for about four days. When I was on birth control, I stopped having the monthly bleeds and when I got off it (like January 2023) it took three months before I had my first bleed then I bled like two months after that. After surgery, it’s like I restarted my cycle. As in, soon as I got home from the hospital my period started, then a month and one week later my period again, and then exactly 28 days later it came again. I’m grateful for my health, I’m grateful for all the wonderful things my body can do for me, but DUDE. Seriously?! You couldn’t have waited maybe three months before making me worry about having menstruating stock everywhere I go?

With my time of the month now logged into the books where I can get prepared for it, I need to hold off on incorporating new foods into my diet during that week and a few days after because I can’t tell if I’ve been throwing up because of the food I’m eating or because my body is experiencing hormones and such. The emotional part is easy to tell why, but I had been waking up coughing and with the need to throw up (which I usually do minutes if not seconds after waking up) for the last three or four nights. I had this before soon after surgery, which I started taking medication for to ease the stomach acid building up and was working until now. If anyone is reading this and concerned, don’t be. If it continues past this week, I’ll head into my surgeons office and ask them to look into it but for today I will be having soup (nothing spicy or sour, just mild soup, what some might call dull) and possibly mashed potatoes or protein shakes to not irritate my stomach too much. I’ll also have my last meal at 7:30 at the latest and head to bed at 10 just so my stomach can properly digest it with enough time to do so.

I’ve been more active in my job, more passionate I believe so. There’s lots of things we’re planning for and events to do but so little of us. I’ve been able to keep myself somewhat active at work, with walking to the nearby store or restaurants to get lunch or for the hell of it. I’ve found myself at times making excuses to get up and walk around or to do something such as lifting or carrying. There are still times when I feel like I don’t want to get up to do something, whether it’s getting up to grab a remote or change the laundry or what have you, but for different reasons than in the past. If there’s talk of going somewhere that’s relatively close by, such as a store down the street or a 6 minute walk, I feel a preference to walk it rather than drive it. I don’t know, does that make sense?

I’ve gotten closer to A’s family I feel like. I partook in an event with them, a local outing and dinner afterwards, and I’ve been spending more time with my dads family, I’m actually going out of the country for a few days to visit my aunt and cousins on his side and I’m super excited. On my moms side, I don’t feel like my relationship has changed much. I love that side of my family, they’re wonderful and kind people, but I kind of always felt like they were ashamed of me. I thought that if I lost weight because of this surgery they would treat me differently, nothing major just slight differences but I’m not sure. I do want to plan a trip to see my moms side in person, I miss my baby cousins and my grandparents and my aunts, but I’m not too sure when I’d be able to go.

Anyways, I meant to give an update earlier and there are a few things I forgot to put into this that I meant to write about but I can just do another post. Probably a shorter update mainly about the eating and exercise and whatnot. I don’t know, we’ll see

[diaryofalamb]

Just a quick update, we’re here in Texas visiting my oldest brother and sister(in law). It’s kinda cold but exciting and I’ve been wearing these knitted gloves my grandparents got me a bit ago. My hands get so cold and they dry out really fast so I make it a point to put lotion on and then keep them in my gloves when I can. The town we’re at is like right on the upper left border of Texas so I don’t think there’s a Buccees near by but at least they got a whataburger! Gonna have my family try it out and see what they think.

A and I are dating, I try communicating more and being more upfront about what I want and what I think. We spend time together at his place and I got to see his younger cousins who I missed so much. They’re wonderful young women now (they were in middle school when he and I were starting to date but now the youngest is in high school). I helped them decorate their grandmothers house and I also spent little time with his dad.

A bought me a necklace when we went to a jewelry trunk show, it’s beautiful and was expensive (for our budget - it was like 2700 but we got it for 800). It has alexandrites and a tiny Diamond on top and I love it, I just gotta find the perfect chain for it. Alexandrite is a color changing stone, where the color shown goes from greenish/blue to a purple/reddish. Mine turned ruby red under UV light and looks green in daylight. In candle light it looks more blue.

I’m focusing on working out lately. I went to the gym with my family a few times and I’ve also been taking the dogs on walks around A’s house when I’m there and it’s still daylight. I’ve always been able to walk around with somewhat ease but my god I forgot how much I loved walking. I have to either remember to walk slower or take breaks so who I’m walking with can catch up. I don’t mind walking some blocks for food or to get to the store and I have this new Fitbit my mom bought me which I love having. It helps to see how many steps I do or my heart rate and how well I sleep. I feel more in tune with my body, like I’m always aware of how full I feel nowadays.

[diaryofalamb]

I don’t know why I thought I could have regular food ._. I double checked my bariatric diet nutritional guide and I’m on soft foods until 6 months after surgery, and it’s barely two months. Maybe cause the second check in with the surgeon is right around the time to stop the soft diet? I had my first check in a week after the surgery and my second check in like three days before thanksgiving so maybe the nutritional guide is wrong?

I mean I feel okay with the foods I’ve been eating, I’m being accustomed to the tiny portions I can eat and being better understanding that my portion of soup will look different than my portion of mashed potatoes or cheese or Greek yogurt and definitely different than my portion of meat.

I should go back to the correct diet for this stage of my post surgery healing, right?

[diaryofalamb]

i think as adults it’s our responsibility to be nice to kids and treat them with the respect we wish we got at that age and im not kidding or exaggerating in the least

[diaryofalamb]

"For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

The second big lesson the medical establishment has learned and rejected over and over again is that weight and health are not perfect synonyms. Yes, nearly every population-level study finds that fat people have worse cardiovascular health than thin people. But individuals are not averages: Studies have found that anywhere from one-third to three-quarters of people classified as obese are metabolically healthy. They show no signs of elevated blood pressure, insulin resistance or high cholesterol. Meanwhile, about a quarter of non-overweight people are what epidemiologists call “the lean unhealthy.” A 2016 study that followed participants for an average of 19 years found that unfit skinny people were twice as likely to get diabetes as fit fat people."

A surprising article to find on the Huffington post. I think, especially towards the end, there's still a saturation of healthism and diet talk (just of the "clean eating" variety), but the information about weight discrimination is absolutely on point, especially within the medical field ignoring decades of research.

Not only do we know that weight loss isn't sustainable or possible, we also know that weight discrimination kills, in a myriad of ways. If you actually care about "health" then start unlearning your weight bias NOW and realize that fat people are just people who are a different shape.

And this article doesn't even touch on "the obesity paradox"(the fact that fat people survive heart attacks and injuries BETTER THAN thin people) or the fact that dieting, especially "yo-yo dieting," is a better predictor for heart disease than weight, and that many of the fat people who have cardiovascular diseases have a long history of dieting that (understandably) didn't work.

encouraged to rb but fatphobes will just be blocked.

[diaryofalamb]

Going to the gym tonight, I’m actually really excited! I’m going with some family members (one of my aunts who got the same surgery as me and two of my cousins) and I just got my new Fitbit that my mom bought me. My old one would have problems charging and I’m so so excited, even if I just walk on the treadmill and don’t sweat.

At my last appointment with my surgeon, she wanted me to up my exercise (seeing as how I’ve been few and far in between with that, mostly focusing on the eating habits and shizz) to do one hour walks at a fast pace daily. I want to build up my stamina mostly, to be able to take long walks and explore cities or be able to walk around in amusement parks without having to take too many breaks. My body is starting to slow down in how quickly I’m losing weight (I’m at 208 last I weighed myself) and I think now is the right time to add exercise to my habits. It’ll kick what little I’m eating into energy and maybe also keep my metabolism on it’s toes so it doesn’t slow down even more.

It’s December and that means my diet is now “open”. I freaking miss having fruits and vegetables and pasta/bread. I’ve been wanting cucumbers, grapes, blueberries, celery, sweet potato fries, salads, etc. Eating the chicken and protein shakes and cheese and whatnot was easy but not being able to have the sweet kale salad I love from Albertsons, or dill pickle spears when I’m on my period (which actually came twice since the surgery), it was so tempting to try even just a bite. So while yes, my diet is open for me to try the foods I’ve been missing, I mostly miss the “healthy” foods I wasn’t able to eat. And that doesn’t mean I’ll be going crazy with eating straight up sweets or anything.

[diaryofalamb]

I got through and enjoyed thanksgiving, although the ending of yesterday was a bit weird. I brought along a tiny Tupperware (the kind you’d fill with dressing for a lunchbox) and I used that as my plate so I wouldn’t eat too much. I was nervous about having two thanksgivings, but seeing as I’ve always had two thanksgivings (thanks divorced parents!) I already knew to save some room. I was kind of sad cause my moms side didn’t make sweet potato pie and I couldn’t have stuffing which are two of my favorite things but the rest of the food was super good. To keep my serving from being too dry, I poured over the juices from the green bean casserole and the mushrooms in it. It was sooo freaking tasty! At my dads thanksgiving, I got ham and Turkey gravy and again mashed potatoes. I kind of wanted to eat the tamales but I know I would be denied the maze so I just stuck with the stuff I know I could have. I didn’t get too stuck on dessert, although my moms chocolate chip cookies were calling my name. I held myself responsible and didn’t give in.

I’m going to start a “free” diet in December, meaning there’s no restrictions in what I could eat (unlike now where I can’t eat bread, rice, pasta, tortillas, fruits other than watermelon, lettuce, celery, corn, etc.). I gotta take incorporating new foods slowly though in case my body can’t handle it or becomes intolerant to new foods.

[diaryofalamb]

I was tempted this weekend and I’m paying the price. I was house sitting for someone I’m close to and their pantry is always stocked with the best snacks ever (it was chocolate twinkies that we’re calling my name but I didn’t give in). I stuck with protein; shakes, eggs, lunch meat, liquid IV and water for the drink. But today I caved. I got unsweetened almond milk and spied strawberry nesquick powder. I drank it almost as fast as I would’ve drank it before surgery. I think I’m experiencing what they call “dumping syndrome” but I can’t be too sure. I feel really freaking full though it’s three hours since I drank it and things are running through me.

I need to be mindful. It could be so much worse and there’s a possibility it will be if I get careless again. The numbers on the scale have stopped dropping so dramatically but I’ve noticed my sweats have been more loose. I’ve been having to pull them up every five minutes. I’m not going to weigh myself for a while. Gonna instead focus on how many steps I get in or what activities I’m doing. Fingers crossed that this food obsession is my hormones flying crazy 🤞🏼

[diaryofalamb]

Mashed potatoes are the shit and they don’t get as much love as they should be. I’m talking about those garlic mashed potatoes with little bits of skin through out and not watery or oily but like frosting kind of. Or shit, potatoes in general are the most delicious shit ever. I’ve been eating those in lots of different ways (baked potatoes, potato soup, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc) but also I’ve been able to mush up chicken noodle soup, clam chowder, really any soups with super soft food bits. I thrived on pozole and menudo for the first week of puréed foods and I haven’t had too many eggs but I’m always mindful of having too much cause throwing up is still a bitch. I’m trying to get my protein in but I gotta get more flavors. I have peach protein shakes left and I loved peaches before surgery but I’m not as crazy about them in shake form. Since it’s almost December I think they’ll come out with like mint shakes. That should put a hold on my peppermint bark cravings.

Mentally I’m swinging low, if that makes sense. I’m doing okay, getting back to work with reports and workshops and shizz. Food wise I get crazy cravings from time to time (mostly sushi, which was my most favorite binge meal {There’s this place on Monday’s where they would have 2$ hand rolls and I would buy 5 California hand rolls and three chicken teriyaki hand rolls and eat them all in the car and if it wasn’t Mondays I would go to this poke bowl place across the street and get a large bowl with double crab, four scoops of shrimp, masago, corn, green onion, ginger, and lots of spicy mayo and miso sauce}). I watch those mukbang videos, of people eating lots of food but I kind of wish I would’ve taken a video in one of my binge meals. I think it would’ve solidified how much I was actually eating. Maybe I’ll make a post of stuff I would eat in a binge meal, with trigger warnings of course.

My birthday is coming up. I high doubt I can have a dessert on my birthday but if I could, I would want flan. I love flan, the creamy not too sweet jelly like dessert. If not flan then crime brûlée (I know what you’re thinking. Crime brûlée is just like flan but with a top hat)

[diaryofalamb]

Damn, I’m in the puréed foods stage and I pushed myself too hard. I’ve gotten too confident now that I kept things down and I had a salad yesterday (from my favorite deli place, I was dying for one of their sandwiches 🤤). I took my time, took small bites, chewed everything to a mashed potato consistency and even put on a timer every other bite. I did good, I kept it down and got to enjoy the egg and tomato and cheese and avocado. Then I got home and I tried eating more of it but without the timer and I knew I made a mistake, I spit out the bite I was working on but I still ended up throwing up. It was awful, there still is no stomach acid taste at all, I could only tell it was coming up because of the extra saliva I get in my mouth. The actual texture of the throw up was like trying to pour out a thick smoothie. I thought I was going to suffocate because I had trouble getting the throw up out of my throat. I was crying and trying to catch my breath but it really only hurt trying to force the throw up out.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate it and I don’t want to end up back in the hospital with an IV in my arm for fluids. I don’t mean to push myself, I just get frustrated and not anxious but more like restless. I’m sticking with my applesauce, mashed potatoes, and waters for now.

[diaryofalamb]

I can’t stop burping, especially when I drink anything. It’s the gasses that are trying to escape and I don’t mean to be rude by burping but if I don’t let the gasses out then I can end up throwing up. I try to get the gasses out before I drink anything because it’s uncomfortable burping after I have something in my stomach. If I push just a little, everything I drink comes back up. I think my mom is bothered by it, but Im doing what needs to be done.

She asked me how often they wanted me to exercise and I lied, I told her for 30 minutes, 4 times a day. It’s actually closer to 45 minutes a day and to build up one’s tolerance and stamina slowly but I know she’ll push me to exercise. I had barely gotten myself to finish one whole protein shake for every one and a half days or two days but Im going to drink mostly water because I really don’t want to be dehydrated, especially exercising. Im taking all my vitamins (might get different ones though, the chalky taste and waiting for them to melt is turning me off from them) so at least that is that.

[diaryofalamb]

It’s been about a week and a handful of days since the surgery. I’m somewhat getting the hang of the size capacity of my stomach and understanding the feelings of when I drank too much and when I can drink just a bit more. It does bother me though, that because I’m only drinking/“eating” liquids, it messes with my teeth. Like I can feel the powder of my melting vitamins get stuck on them or the thickness of the protein shakes that cling. I brush my teeth three times a day and i hate it cause the nonexistent gap between my two front teeth is slowly getting bigger and it does not look cute on me. Plus it bugs when I suck my lips or whatever and it gets stuck against the gap.

It also sucks majorly cause I get thirsty a lot but I can’t drink water whenever I want because that’s why I’ve been throwing up. So like a feral creature I hold water in my mouth until it gets hydrated again and then spit the water back in my bottle cause it’s good drinking water and we don’t waste around the house. I really miss the textures though, the crunchy lettuce, crispy bread, juicy tomatoes, chewy chicken, moist fall apart steak. And along with the textures I miss the complex tastes, how they build on top of each other and explode. All the liquids I’ve had are either monotone (chocolate protein shakes, cherry zero sugar drink enhancer, fruit juice popsicles, chicken broth, etc) and it gets so boring. Drinking water is more fun than drinking those cause at least the water tastes different depending on whose house i drink at.

I can feel my mind slowly trying to talk myself into following my aunts footsteps, cause when she had the surgery, it was roughly one month after the surgery that she was eating enchiladas, churros, hamburgers, fruit, etc. and I really just want an in and out burger with animal style fries. Or a burrito from free birds, with sour cream and bell peppers and chicken and beans and all the goodness. I want to try and stick with it though, to follow the surgeons instructions and take it easy. My mom is treating food as taboo though. That’s definitely not helping. My brothers went to get food and they started eating it in the kitchen and my mom told me to go on a walk with her. They didn’t eat dinner while I was downstairs so I excused myself to bed early and i can smell the food they’re making 😂 I understand they don’t wanna make it hard for me or like tempt me but I’m okay with other people eating. In fact, I don’t think of food as much when it’s not treated like a big deal. When it’s some sort of taboo, shameful, forbidden thing then i can’t stop thinking about it and look up videos of mukbangs to watch other people eat. It makes me feel that whole “I’m missing out, i can totally eat food just small bites” instead of the “My body needs to heal, I am going to be kinder to my body and what I need to feel better. Food will always be here and I can bond with others in other ways.”

[diaryofalamb]

Sometimes I’m keeping things down, sometimes I’m throwing them back up. I’ve been switching between a protein shake (11 oz) and a water bottle (16.9 oz) but I’ve yet to reach half of the water bottle and haven’t finished a whole protein shake. My aunts not worried though, she told me it was the same with her. To focus on drinking water and that it’s good I’m getting some protein in. I’ll start my nutrients/vitamins probably tomorrow or maybe the day of my check in (October 10) to see if it’s cool with my doctor. I lost more weight. Yesterday I weighed myself at 242 and today I weighed myself at 235. I have conflicting feelings but for now it feels like unlocking checkpoints if that makes sense.

I have some names of therapists in town (the town I work, not live). I’m thinking of contacting one and getting a feel for therapy. I’m looking for those who focus on binge eating or I guess eating disorders because that’s what I would do when I had free reign. I don’t want to slip back into the same cycle, same bad habits. I want to be better. So I’m going to work on myself, and hopefully get my shit halfway sorted. Just tryna live with the mindset of “Your legacy doesn’t have to be the pain others have you” or something. I’m still trying to decipher what I mean.

The man I’m in love with, my friend and ex, I’m wanting to be better so maybe we can give the relationship another shot. I’ve been at my happiest with him, he’s so funny and sweet and knowledgeable and smart (there’s a difference). He’s responsible and reasonable and has made me feel beautiful no matter what I weigh. He supported me when I told him about the surgery but was worried of the side effects and possible wrong goings. I was the reason things ended last time, I wanted communication without having to risk communicating. I am going to get better no matter what, but he is a huge motivator.

[diaryofalamb]

I got home from the hospital. It was originally suppose to be only for overnight but I guess the inflammation was so bad that I couldn’t keep anything down. I had the surgery October 2nd and I got home last night (October 5) because I finally was able to keep down a little of the protein shakes. Like not even three ounces of liquid.

I can walk around good right now and I can sleep fine (I think I still need my sleep machine though, but we will see). This is so much harder than I thought was gonna happen. Everyone was telling me that the hardest part was being on clear liquids for the couple days before surgery but throwing up everything and having been stuck with a needle over three days just makes me wanna shower and sleep for a whole week. I’m sticking by my decision though, it’s too late to go back and I can only push through, gotta see this shit to the end. I know at the end of this is going to be a healthier relationship with food and my body. If things get really bad I can just go back to the hospital (thank you Lordy for insurance and saving up money beforehand 😅)

I’ve been walking around the house tonight, walking is suppose to help speed up the healing process and I’m hoping it’ll ease the inflammation or get my body digesting things again.

Here’s to the baby steps and things becoming harder than one realizes.

[diaryofalamb]

Having a skinny corpse is like having a beautiful voice but you’re deaf. It’s only for the benefit and criticism of others.