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Day:28: Someone who inspires me

Inspiration. It’s a feeling we are lucky to feel or crave to. More or less, everyone has that one thing or one person who inspires them to get up from their beds. Well, it’s never one person or one thing. 

Various phenomena embolden us to be the humans we want to be. But there are some extremely dull witted beings(such as I) who don’t know what inspires them most of the time. Regardless, inspiration comes from the most unexpected thing and the most unexpected people. There are people who don’t have to do anything, just their existence inspires you to survive. Can you even imagine the power their existence holds?

Movies, books, series, songs, animes and so on are also an inspiration for some of us. We all aspire to be our cherished fictional character. I aspire to be that one angsty writer who lives in a studio apartment in New York and aggressively dreams about their comfort character. I hope it comes true.    

We tend to neglect the thought of the bright side of life. We can’t look on the bright side. But somebody is sitting with us in the dark. Maybe that is the bright side. The bad times will always wake us up to the good stuff we weren’t paying attention to. Always remember, our life is as good as our mindset.

[dokidoki69]

Day :26: Loving Someone

The British heartthrob Hugh Grant once said, “if you look for it, I have got a sneaky feeling, you will find that love actually is all around.” I cherish this one statement enough to listen to it approximately every day. What can I say? I am a hopeless romantic. That being said, I am deeply terrified to fall in love. 

Loving someone. Isn’t that the most unparalleled and ethereal feeling ever to prevail? Loving someone must be the most emotional rollercoaster feeling humankind ever had to have experienced. There is happiness, pain, excitement, sadness, anger, fear and so much much more. We all endure all these emotions and feelings till that love deteriorates or we do. No matter how much pain, despair it brings us, loving someone is truly the best feeling in this deranged world. When you madly love someone, you forget how hating yourself ever feels like. To you, that person is the entire book. You let them drive you crazy as much as they can. All you ever need in life is to be with them. All the romantic songs, movies, and even the tiniest bit of romance remind you of them. No matter what they are doing, even if they are taking a shit in front of you, you wholeheartedly believe that person is your soulmate.

That being said, your ‘ significant other’ isn’t your only soulmate. Soulmates don’t always just exist romantically. There are certain people in your life who you just connect with more than anyone else and you simply know it isn’t a typical feeling and you understand each other impeccably.

And those people won’t always be your ‘significant other’. It could be your friend, sibling, parent, teacher or the person you are dating or whoever, it could be just about anyone you have ever interacted with. Soulmates are those who will make you be the most “you” that you can possibly be. Isn’t that the most vigorous and horrifying power?

Rex Orange County once said, well, sang to be precise,” I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine. But I still want to break your heart and make you cry”. I think that this dangerously but honestly illustrates what loving someone feels like.

[dokidoki69]

day: 26: insecurities

Insecurities. Boy, they are the biggest fuckwad, aren’t they?  Insecurities affect us in a way that we can’t even explain,  makes us feel things that we are terrified  to feel.

We humans ordeal with boundless insecurities. Such as insecurities from traumatic events, self-esteem issues, bodily insecurities, fear of failure, comparing yourself to others, losing loved ones and so so on. Take it from an overly insecure person, it hurts more than you imagine it would. It clenches your heart so vigorously; you become unable to breathe. It’s almost like your neck is chained to an anchor deep under the sea and you can’t swim. Every time you try to reach the  surface , it aches severely. Your insecurities end up making you sabotage every relationship you have , end up making you hurt people you love unintentionally. It’s almost impossible to make these insecurities extinct.  It will be with you until death. But that doesn���t mean you will let your insecurities  have power over you and your life. Take control over your insecurities. Believe it or not, love them. Then you might be released from that anchor and you can swim to the surface of the sea to appreciate that ethereal sunset. I hope you do.

[dokidoki69]

I just had the most depressing moment the last few days

I just had the most terrifying thoughts the last few days

I just remembered I'm not a poet and the last few days have made me question myself

But today I remembered how much I've come

But today I told myself that even if the everything collapses at least I got something for myself

But today I looked in the home in which I am living

But today even if this is something others have already done that this is my small accomplishment

I hope in the years to come I live up to my own

I hope in the years to come all the noise of the rest of the human population will be nothing

I hope in the years to come my voice will truly be as powerful as the one inside my own head

I hope in the years to come I become the lioness that screams from with in and the world truly meets me at my ultimate form

I hope in the years to come we redefine nations and the pride I become apart of becomes the light the dark never saw coming.

[dokidoki69]

Day 25: What it’s like to be a female.

Being a female most certainly is not like cupcakes and rainbows. We have to go through a lot of persecution in our everyday life, doing our everyday things. In the eyes of the society, we are looked at as barbies. They would dress us as however they want us to , play with us and brutalize us. For a fact, it doesn’t get much better if you are born in a primitive, fucked up country such as Bangladesh.

As a Bengali female, I think it’s safe to say that we are never safe.  907 Bengali women or girls were raped in the first 9 months of 2020. Over 200 of these were gang rape, and these are only the cases that were reported.In Bangladesh, 4 women are raped everyday on average. There are countless rape cases that are not even reported. Because families of rape victims  don’t want to be “humiliated” in front of the society. They don’t want to tarnish their toxic reputation. Also , there is an unbelievably high chance , people won’t believe the victim. Let’s not forget victim blaming. The victims can’t help but wonder if it’s better to speak out or to die.Can you even imagine how low this country can steep?

Parents are reluctant to bring their daughters into this cruel , inhumane world. 

Allow me to state the most recent rape case in Bangladesh. A O level girl was gang raped and bled to death this Thursday. Not by strangers. By her own boyfriend and her friends. She was gang raped by the guy she was supposed to feel the most safe with and the boys she grew up with. 4 hours before her brutal death , she showed her immense appreciation toward her so-called boyfriend. How he “healed” her in words in which she can’t express.

 This incident has made the whole female gender in Bangladesh lose their mind. We bawl our eyes out just remembering a little detail of this incident. Can you imagine how insecure we will feel now, when we will be with our boyfriends, guy friends? What should we do? Stop falling in love? Stop having friends? Stop letting people close to us? Should we stop trusting every male figure in our life? Does the world want all the women to be locked in a coffin and buried?

[dokidoki69]

Day:24:A lesson I have learned

We all have fears, don’t we? Big or small, it affects us so severely that we can’t express it in words. It also happens to us at the most unexpected time.

For a long time, I was afraid of losing the ones I love. I was paranoid. My whole life, I accepted the fact that I don’t deserve happiness. When any kind of happiness comes around , this fear leeches on me like a centipede. Constantly reminding me that everyone I care about will once leave me. Frequently this feeling got the best of me.  But over the years, as I grew up, I learnt to tackle this fear. I learnt to face the reality, which is that everyone will leave me one day. But right now, I need to be brave. Not only for myself. I need to be brave for my love, my friends, my family.

 Well, that fear will still be there and will try to leech on you. But gradually you will learn to confine it. Be brave for everyone you love.

[dokidoki69]

Day: 3: a letter to someone,  anyone

This is a letter for all the magnificent people I love and those who love me back. You know who you are.

Where do I start? I can’t thank you people enough for  being by my side. And also, are you guys mental since you appreciate and care for a dull witted, ignorant and damaged person like me? If you are, it’s okay. It’s quite exquisite how you tolerate my bullshit, accept my past and still love me. I am more than grateful.

I really am sorry for being so naïve, whiny, illogical and absurd most of the time. Sometimes I get really anxious and feel that I am losing you and end up saying the most absurd and ignorant things that I really don’t mean to say and you end up getting hurt. Then apologizing only worsens the situation. I know that I can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about myself like that makes it okay. I know that I need to be better. I really am trying to. All I hope is that you are the way you are to me now, forever and always.

P.S.: this letter is really for Naomi and Ishra.

[dokidoki69]

Day:22: today

3th January 2021

I woke up with a cognizance that my classes start today. So, as a dutiful sister that I am, I tried to wake my little sister up, which obviously was a failure. Then I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, and a series of random thoughts kicked in.

“ What’s my first class?”

“ I am too lazy to take a shit right now.”

“ random tiktoks play”

“ Jim***”

“ Why does my pee always smell my coffee? Do I need to go to the doctor? Oh. Wait. My parents are doctors.”

“ Why can’t I write?”

“ I am dumb du du.”

“ Another year wasted. Let’s goooo.”

“ Is ‘d’ really ‘a’ with a boner?”

“ My acne is getting bad. I should lose some weight and stop stressing.”

“I could really go for some burger right now.”

And that’s how 30 minutes has been passed in the bathroom.I had only two classes today but I only did one. Why? I don’t know either.

Then I just lounged around my house contemplating my existence while scrolling through memes and tiktoks and procrastinating every work I have to do.  Sometimes I wonder , do I actually have free time or just forget everything I have to do? I guess we will never know. And this is exactly how I spend every fucking day.

[dokidoki69]

Day:20:Love

Primarily, love is cringe and full of cliches. That’s why people don’t love LOVE at first. But when you are in love with someone, love is in one way or another portrayed as this beautiful, celestial, immaculate and artistic feeling. If you see it from the outside, it’s cringe, but if you see it from the inside, it’s magnificent. 

Love can be in various forms such as with your significant other, friends, families, pets, heck, even with your sex toy. Love really is all around.

 Being in love is a whole another dimensional feeling. When someone loves you, they drive you crazy because they can. You worry about that person the most who makes all your worries go away when you are with them. That person is the reason you smile uncontrollably when you watch romantic movies. They are the reason you dance foolishly around your room when you listen to love songs. They are that “nothing” when people ask what you are thinking about. Ever since you met them, your life has become a daydream. Love sure is something.

 I could go on and on about love, but it will never end. To me, love is infinity.

[dokidoki69]

Day:20:Life

We all have a vague idea of what life actually is. Life might be a stimulation that was created to  make you suffer to death. Only the fittest survive.

Well, surviving is the hardest. Life hits you in waves sometimes. You try to reach for the surface to get back on your feet, but it just breaks you down again and again. Until you get so tired; you stop trying and sink. The voice in your head keeps on saying, “it’s not  worth it, you are not worth it.” And you let it affect you and you forget how to live. You also forget that this isn’t a solo trip. One day, you might find a person who will be willing to go through this with you. That doesn’t mean you won’t fail. You will fail. But you will fail better, together.

[dokidoki69]

Day: 19: My first love

First love is great as an epic movie. But I am uncertain about who my first love is. It's my Jim** or some random douche that I don’t remember. Nevertheless, let me tell you about the first person I ever liked or was attracted to. This is quite a pathetic story.

Grade 2. I was an innocent and chubby girl who had one girl best friend. I used to let a lot of my guy friends persecute me because I thought that is how guy friends are. The new year was starting, hence new classmates. A boy with black curly hair and fair skin who always wore this red zip hoodie just transferred. When I first saw him, I thought I was love struck. Keep in mind that I was someone who thought thinking someone is cute and being in love is the same thing. Let’s call him Aiden. Aiden only liked football, and I enjoyed gawking at him. Then one magical day, Aidan started hanging out with me and we became best friends after a while. I remember being at utter bliss. We used to eat lunch together, play together, and act like we were in a rock band and much more time wasted.

Then one dreadful day, during a proxy class, Tara (my girl best friend) wrote “I love you” in a chit and passed it to Aidan as me. I constantly forbade her to do it. And Aiden was disgusted by my forced confession. He couldn’t look at my face. And then his bastard friends started calling me names such as fat, shit ugly,. 

Me and Aiden were humiliated as everyone was looking at us. We started crying. After a while, the teacher consoled us and everything was back to normal. Our friendship wasn’t. Aiden and all my other friends were ashamed to be friends with me and treated me like a virus. The year ended and all the boys transferred to another school according to the school’s policy.

This incident is engraved in my mind. I don’t feel for him like I used to. But I feel this guilt for liking him. Why?

[dokidoki69]

Day: 18: Thirty facts about myself

This might be the most cliches shit I ever wrote.

#1. I am a Muslim.

# 2. I am Bengali.

#3. I am fat.

#4. I am every synonym of the word “dumb”.

#5. I am alarmingly slow at processing things.

#6. I am undeniably a pushover.

# 7. There was a rumour about me. I flashed my best friend my boobs intentionally.

#8. I will let a trauma define me.

#9, I have an abundance of disorders such as anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression and so on.

#10. My best friends are weird but cool.

#11. I went through a lot of phases.

#12. My music taste is aberrant.

#13. Not everything is about me.

#14. My personality is all over the place.

#15. I have tons of sexual kinks.

#16. I am “grammo”.

#17. I WILL go through a depressive episode every 2-3 business weeks.

#18. I attempted suicide 2-3 times in my life.

#19. I can never pursue my passion. 

#20. I was born in a toxic household.

#21. I am anxious all the time.

#22. I will overthink every detail of my life.

#24. I am cute sometimes.

#25. I will say “sorry” even when I know it’s not my fault.

#26. I am too deep in love with my Jim*.

#27. My writing is nice occasionally.

#28. I am a hopeless romantic.

#29. I talk in movie quotes all the time.

#30. God, I am fucked up.

[dokidoki69]

Day :17: Ways to win my heart

As a textbook case of people pleaser, I easily get persuaded by people. Emphasis on “easily”. I spent my entire day contemplating ways to win my heart. Turns out nobody ever had to attempt to win my heart or even had to woo me. Now this is pathetic.

 My heart bursts when a person, literally any person, just smiles at me. No wonder why I get scammed so much. If a person compliments one time, I will remember it until my death.Therefore, there are no ways to win my heart.

[dokidoki69]

Day: 16: Someone I miss

Having someone to miss is quite dangerous, yet a pleasant feeling if you ask me. But someone missing you is a far more gratifying and blissful feeling. Luckily and magically, I have experienced both feelings. I have to say, too much happiness for me.

Let’s call that person Jim ** since his favorite character from “The Office” is Jim Halpert. In my opinion, he is the hybrid of Jim Halpert and Michael Scott. I don’t mind experiencing both of his obnoxious and extremely charming sides. Jim** is one of the most wholesome people I have ever come across. To people, Jim** is the most typical average human. He is so much more than that. He is usually pragmatic, friendly, radiant, sometimes dull witted. There are some other sides of Jim** that I got to see. Jim is a robust person. He is afraid to show others his vulnerability. The world sees him as this never depressed, jolly fellow. What they never saw is his fight with overwhelming vulnerability. He fought on his own to be strong just so he could protect his loved ones, so they don’t worry about him. I will always aspire to be like him. All the sadness aside, Jim** is the most adorable human. I adore how he childishly geeks about Spiderman; how easily he gets distracted by watching TV or just doing anything; how he admires his family; how warmly he talks with his mom. 

Any day spent with Jim ** is the best day ever. The amount and the way he loves me, being blessed, is an understatement.  “Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I will always love you truly, completely and honestly.”

Note to self: Stop writing everything as appreciation posts for others.

[dokidoki69]

Day:15: If I could run away, where would I go?

At first I thought that if I could run away, I would go to New York. Then my dunce mind realised that I am too fucking broke to go to New York. So, now I am out of places to go to when I run away. It comes to my sight that I am too scared to run away, but I am ready to run away. Our conscience doesn’t let us run away, but our conscience also sometimes says,”fuck it.” But I am waiting for that courage to run away and always will. Don’t know where I will go. But I will go.

[dokidoki69]

Day:14: thoughts

We all have random thoughts, don’t we? It would be peculiar if we don’t.  Random thoughts can be about something casual, pessimistic, optimistic or absurd.  Our mind is full of endless possibilities. Let’s see some of my and some aspiring people’s abundance of thoughts or feelings. 

“We all are spoiled, egoistic and hiding our true colours. “

“We all think that we differ from others. Doesn’t that make us all different in the same way? ”

“The irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time, together “

“My happy place is my nightmares sometimes. Not everything can be perfect.”

“Is friendship overrated or love?”

“Am I good enough?”

 The cerebral fold in our brain intends to keep on opening the sad, depressing part of our soul and subconsciously free all the dark thoughts which infects our happy thoughts.

Some have the most absurd and ridiculous random thoughts.

“What if someone just cuts off my hands?”

“Why does my pee smell like coffee?”

“Can the FBI actually see what I do?”

“My friends hate me, don’t they?”

“I love my boyfriend. What if he hates me?”

 Granted that some of them might be true. As I said before, our mind is full of endless fucked up possibilities.

[dokidoki69]

Day:13: Favorite book

You would think that someone who has an opinion about every little thing and a favorite for almost every fucking category in this world would have a favorite book. But I DON’T.  Astonishing, isn’t it?

I never really cared for making a book my favorite.  I do read books.  An abundance of them. When I read a book wholeheartedly, I fall in love with it.  No matter what the book is about, I will intend to marry that book. After finishing it, I will be a loyal partner. Temporarily. After a while, I will forget about it and pursue my next book. Makes me a book slut. Although, I don’t actually forget about it. It’s kept gracefully in a box in a small corner of my crowded mind. Occasionally, I will open that box and reminisce about my memories from it.  Books are curious objects. They trap, transport, and even transform you if you are lucky.