dumbthingsthat

[dumbthingsthat]

I moved out and I'm so fucking depressed i can't do anything else besides go to work and come back and lay down. I pay for everything. I clean everything. I keep stuff running. My "partner" just makes messes and doesn't clean up after themselves and has the goddamn nerve to say they work too much. I work 40 hr weeks, 10hr days, 7 to 6 and then i still have to cook and clean and do it all over again. For fucking $15 an hour AND IM THE MAIN BREAD WINNER?? Complain about their job but still not do anything to find another one or invest time elsewhere. It must be nice to decide to not go into work full knowing your partner has to shoulder most if not all the bills.

Must be fucking nice to invite your friends over to "your" place and smoke weed and ruin things in "your"place. I heard all the time how you want to feel comfortable in your place BUT I DON'T GET THAT LUXURY. I don't get to feel comfortable bc i have to pick up after a grown person. I can't sleep at night bc they keep rolling over on my side. Now i get why my mom sleeps on the couch so much. There's no space for her. I got an office chair and I haven't even gotten to use it at all BUT THEY GET TO USE IT. MY CHAIR THAT I BOUGHT THEY GET TO USE MORE THAN ME.

They are so co-dependent, I can't like spend time by myself without having them wonder if I'm mad. NO I WOULD JUST LIKE TO HAVE MY SPACE TO DO WHAT I WANT. WE CAN HAVE SEPARATE LIVES AND LIVE TOGETHER. It drives me up a fucking wall how much they need me to literally be like in the same room to have reassurance. How the fuck can you miss me when we are literally in the same apartment?? I didn't go anywhere, i am 2 doors away. I didn't miss my parents or my brothers when they were in the same house but we were in separate rooms??? I fucking hate that shit. I can't feel comfortable, I'm getting pushed out of my own space THAT I PAY FOR and it pisses me off. They bitched about having everybody always needing them to do something that they were perfectly capable of doing themselves but for whatever reason they don't get that's exactly what they're doing to me. I have to clean shit that you can put up yourself. I have to pay for shit and hope you have money to pay for half of it and still get whined at if i don't let you get what you want. PAY FOR SOMETHING AND YOU CAN GET WHATEVER. ITS MY FUCKING MONEY THAT I WORK FOR AND CANNOT EASILY TAKE A DAY OFF BC I DON'T FEEL "RESTED" ENOUGH FOR. I AM EXHAUSTED BUT CAN'T SLEEP. I AM ANGRY AND CAN'T TELL YOU WITHOUT YOU CRYING AND BEING ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. I AM SICK OF LIVING THIS WAY AND IT HAS BEEN 3 WEEKS. God i am tempted to just go back home and like pay for stuff here but i cannot sleep, I'm going insane and it's impossible to do anything until my insurance kicks in next month. I am really at a jumping off point and literally having nothing I can think of to hold me back is fucking terrifying. I moved out, i work in the field i want, i am completely independent now and i want to stop existing. I hate it

[dumbthingsthat]

I'm an evil person. Like something is wrong and I will deny it every chance I get to make them think that they did something wrong. I want them to feel as anxious and to spiral like I am. Why should I have to feel all of that on my own?

I wanted to be numb yesterday and like crazy thing was after literally drinking an almost entire pack of the stuff I bought, I didn't feel drunk or even impaired. I was just sad and anxious. I fucking hated it. I almost wanted to hang up the phone when they called and cause a scene. Like when I hung up I almost couldn't see I was holding back all of my tears. Like how can you say you "missed me" or that "it sucks you couldn't go" when I was available and you never even asked what I was doing to see if I wanted to come up there. Clearly you didn't miss me that much bc you never even reached out to see what I was up to or when I said i had nothing going on, you didn't even offer to invite me.

Is it wrong to feel like someone not being jealous over you or saying I could do alot outside of the relationship and they wouldn't worry about what i was doing is like fucked up? Saying it would be ok if I got a crush on someone else or you'd be a little upset if I kissed someone else, but that's it bc they truly don't care? What about how I feel about that? What if I don't like you hanging out with a person you said you asked out and dated for a bit? What if I don't like that there's seems to always be drama around this person and you are constantly trying to hang out with them? You wanted me to be there last night??? Fucking bullshit, you never told me where you were going or what you were doing. So i want them to be anxious and to question what they possibly could have done that made me upset even when I said i wasn't. I want them to search in the back of their head that maybe they did something wrong. I want them to think that and really think hard about it

Am I jealous I didn't go? Yes! I am insecure about the relationship? Always. How can they just say shit like nothing could pull them away from me. You fucking act like by saying that it magically gets rid of my insecurity or anxiety. YOU HANG OUT WITH PPL YOU TRIED TO DATE AND MADE NO EFFORT TO INCLUDE ME IN ON IT. YOU SAID IT'S OK IF WE GOT CRUSHES ON OTHER PPL. YOU SAID ITS OK BC YOU DON'T GET JEALOUS. I DO. I AM MISERABLE AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY TOO

[dumbthingsthat]

I s2g sometimes I let shit slide too often bc i don't want to make ppl anxious, but goddamn their anxiety and their clingyness is suffocating sometimes. Like why the fuck do you need constant reassurance for certain things?? It is irritating and exhausting.

Also with dealing with my own sensory issues (which they know about) pushing my fucking boundaries on like touch isn't fun for me. I don't like pda bc I'm socially anxious and already overstimulated by being in public, why would you add on top of that?? And saying it's "sexy" when i push my boundaries??? What the fuck does that mean? Going out of my comfort zone shouldn't be a good thing and like why would you want me to do that if it's making me uncomfortable??? I get wanting like affection but jesus christ can you respect the fact that there's some things that make me uncomfortable and it's not something i need to push. I don't like that, it's not something i need to change about myself.

A year into a relationship and for fuck sakes I'm getting irritated and annoyed with how much i can't just be without it being a constant push to change stuff about me that's not an issue. It sounding like they don't want to accept that I'm literally ND so there's just some stuff I'm not going to do but it makes me uncomfortable.

I like my independence and my space, and I'm not compromising that just bc it will make them anxious.

[dumbthingsthat]

Goddddd I'm so tired of having to deal with other ppls emotional distress. Like this is what therapy is for!! And why admit you're an alcoholic but then decide to try to "handle it yourself"? It wasn't working before and you using alcohol to cope ISNT COPING!

I can offer advice, talk you down, listen to you vent but i cannot just leave you to your own devices when your answer has been to drink or sleep. Like this is the definition of insanity like bro....cmon i know it's not within the culture to just deal with our emotions in a way that validates them, but if you're done with dealing with stuff the way you have, TRY SOMETHING ELSE--> GO TO THERAPY

It might not be as useful as a tool to you as it is to me, but ffs healthy coping skills could be used and you have a person you could vent to and actually offer solid advice or skills to help, i cannot do that forever and i honestly refuse to

Big problem with my partner now, trying to be the shoulderbfor everyone's issues leaves you with nothing for yourself and it's not worth it

I just hate seeing ppl hurting but i hate it even more when you're given a tool to use and you not only don't use it, you go right back to what you were doing as if it worked

Quite literally had to talk too many ppl in my OWN FAMILY off a ledge this year andddd they ain't doing shit differently to actually help themselves

[dumbthingsthat]

Is2g I'm not trying to be weird about certain things, maybe bc I'm not use to it or I quite literally hate being looked at in a specific way jesus h christ. Especially if that's not the point of the goddamn thing!

Like you can fucking text me that or whatever BC WE KNOW EACH OTHER IRL like going out of your way to make offhanded comments on a video of mine that has fuck-all to do with something i posted ( I know the intent behind the comment bc i know you) is really fucking irritating and makes me 1000% uncomfortable. And now I'm like scouring through my page and wanting to private videos bc if you're looking at them and spamming my page by watching EVERYTHING THERE i know why and I don't like it. It doesn't make me feel good. That's not what those are for. They are fun videos I made for myself GET OFF OF MY PAGE BEING GROSS WHEN THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY ARE FOR

I DO NOT TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT I TAKE IT AS INVASIVE. MY PERSONAL PAGE OF STUFF IS NOT FOR THAT.

Like we literally see each other all the time, you have an opportunity foe us to talk irl DO NOT DO THAT ON MY VIDEOS PLS

[dumbthingsthat]

Idk whether it's my actual feelings towards someone or is it the effects of hormones fucking with me bc i just feel like i very much can see the end of my relationship in like a few months. Maybe i just see them as a friend, which is always nice to have but romantically idk if I feel anything for them. Which sucks bf they're a good person. And it doesn't help that they're pretty much infatuated with me. Annnnd bc I'm a ppl pleaser i downplay how much something bothers me to make sure their feelings aren't hurt.

They have literally zero filter around friends to the point it is very much TMI anytime they open their mouth. I went to a dinner with them and 2 friends yesterday and nearly every topic was a sex or really sexually explicit stuff that i was so embarrassed by, but I laughed along bc that's my response to uncomfortable situations. Also their impulsiveness is rather high. We were supposed to leave at 11 but bc they drank we had to stay longer for them to sober up and I still had to drive myself home despite being tired. I was pretty burnt out bc I'm not used to being social in very close settings with like 3 ppl, so i just wanted to lay back and sleep on the way back. They not only tried to have like 3 rapid fire conversations with me, they also tried to stop and get food at nearly 12:30 am. When i told them my brain was fried is when they stopped but still it's so annoying. But bc they're so used to being called annoying, i don't want to hurt them that way. I guess i need to find a better word besides annoying to say. It's alot, and I'm really passive and get overwhelmed easily. Annnnd this relationship is starting to feel overwhelming.

They're not a bad person, but i don't think they're right for me and as long as I'm as passive as I am, it's not gonna get better. Doesn't help that it really makes me think I'm not bisexual at all, but I'm actually gay. Idk how to bring that up without making it sound like I wanna break up. It could be nerves or not willing to be patient to see if they calm down enough around me to not be so explicit or sexualize parts of my body. And ontop of that I understand what's so off about that to me. Like if they use my pronouns correctly and understand I'm non-binary, then they should at least understand that being viewed in certain ways is going to make me very uncomfortable. I don't like the shape of my body to be on display in certain ways (very body con type clothing, or my ass not being covered up) annnd that seems to be what they compliment the most or wanna see me as.

It's hard to explain the aspects of my gender identity. But basically, i like being comfortable in clothes and feeling almost like art in some ways?? No matter what I wear or style myself as I don't want to be seen as one way or the other. Being labeled as explicitly a woman or man makes me uncomfortable. And what they compliment me on, literally feels like that. I don't like being viewed in a sexual way, especially with body parts that feel like they are putting me in a box. It's confusing but that's my way of interpreting it. Idk...i just don't want to waste their time or mine in a relationship that's not going anywhere. I haven't dated long but i really am tired of having to go through the motions of doing that again if i break up with them

(Also doesn't help that they have trauma with discussing breaking up, and that makes me feel like shit that it's even in my head when they feel the way they do about me)

[dumbthingsthat]

Hahaha bad brain day bad brain day

I didn't want to share one of my socials with my so because it was MY THING like maybe a vent spot or even just a place to be goofy without it being like something to be looked at in a certain way?? Like, i like them bc I'm comfortable around them but idk how to navigate the sex stuff??? I don't like being viewed in a specific way and boy is that a thing I've now got to figure out how to communicate that. We went to a movie last week and it bothered me how much they were just like turned on by me being there??? Like basically being horny in a movie. Idk man at the time i was like ok with it but i was so embarrassed and now i feel like avoiding them bc that's like the whole response? Like emotionally i know they like me but i don't like the other half of it always turning out be like sexual?

It's unfortunate that I'm insecure about certain parts of my body and I'm trying to get better about it, but this is not the way I'd like to go about it. I'm anxious about even sending texts to turn down plans bc I'm just not up for it and idk how to confront ppl about things...basically I hate that aspect of our relationship annnnd being pushed far out of my comfort zone. Tbh i did it to myself bc i wanted to see what certain things were like, and I'm neutral to alot but not overtly enthusiastic about any of it and now i feel stuck with voicing how uncomfortable it makes me feel

[dumbthingsthat]

I hate it when things start to turn in my favor, bc it feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I got a new job. It pays great, short hours, pretty low stress in the 3ish months I've been working there, and it's something I'm actually interested in.

I'm actually dating someone, who I'm really comfortable with like in a way that i didn't think was a possibility for me?? And we've already done alot more in 3 weeks than i did in 9 months with my ex??

I'm feeling optimistic but that's what's scary? I don't think I've had a period of things going right for me for too long and it scarez me.

I have a tendency to self-sabotage bc it's so much easier to be sad and fantasize about things being better rather than live it bc that's what I'm use to. I've never been on the side where i can relate to ppl with their lives sort of on track.

Long story short, this year took a dramatic turn for the better and I'm having a hard time feeling like I deserve it....my therapist is gonna be busy next week 😞

[dumbthingsthat]

Geeez why the fuck was it only me who lost a good fucking job, that THEY ACTUALLY LIKED,during the pandemic and nobody else??? Like what the fuck is that about?? I just fucking hate feeling trapped and having to always to be the person holding everyone and everything together IT'S FUCKING AWFUL

Why can't I quit, why can't I just do nothing, and no one give a shit? Yeah yeah the world doesn't work that way, but god dammit in the midst of breakdown and mourning for the beginnings of a new possibility I had to jump into something I HATE AND HATE SO MUCH IT'S RUINING WHAT LITTLE MENTAL HEALTH IMPROVEMENT I HAD. ITS NOT FAIR IT WAS JUST ME IT'S NOT FAIR

Why can't things ever work out for me longterm?? What the fuck are you supposed to learn from shit going downhill constantly? You're meant to be a fucking lightening rod for everybody's misfortune? I'm pretty tapped man

[dumbthingsthat]

I meannnn not that this is new by any means, breaking up domestic violence in your house with your parents is never fun

Also quite literally being so use to it that you go into this zen like calm to handle it is just fucking grand, bc you're so goddamn desensitized to it. Like I hate being raised in a Christian household bc instead of like getting a divorce like normal ppl, they really held on to that one like it's the worst possible sin ever?? For fuck sakes all 3 of your children watched and listened to screaming, door slamming, glass throwing, police calls, and nights in jail over things and they still haven't A. separated and B. Divorced which is ridiculous. And bc my mom is a product of her environment, while she's had a job for the last like 15yrs, she still was only raised with the idea of being "housewife"? So she really doesn't have the means to live by herself or have any extended family to go to. Enter me and my adult brothers. I almost feel like I never want to move out bc there would be no buffer and they would end up doing more damage than traumatizing their kids without any ppl to intervene. I'd totally love to move out only on the condition she moved in with me bc it's never been healthy for them to live together and it certainly isn't now.

I should become a fucking social worker due to the number of times I've had to talk someone off the edge, it's comical really. As much as I h a t e my fucking job, I don't want to quit bc I know how much they keep putting on my mom's plate and how little she has as her own space at home. Also what the fuck is the point of having one room for like spouses to inhabit? Like yeah, you love each other but I'd lose my fucking mind too if I didn't have a space for my stuff and to just be.

I talked to my therapist awhile ago about how I was coping with the pandemic and stuff and how it was a struggle to keep up with my hobbies and wanting to do more with them. She asked how my family was coping (bc how they deal directly impacts me) and bc my dad works from home, he has freetime to go for walks, call ppl and keep in contact with ppl pretty much everyday. My mom was different. She had only 2 weeks at the start of the pandemic where she wasn't working, which she hated, and now she's been working ever since with maybe 3 days off and 8hr+ days with a difficult classroom that is overfilled with kids by herself. She'd leave by 8 and get home by 7 and spend time watching tv in the living room only. That was her space. She'd only have time to herself on Saturday and Sunday. She's fucking drained and stretched so thin, not to mention a fucking aunt of hers just passed unexpectedly, I'm surprised she just now broke down and got angry. (Also pretty sure I got the adhd from her soooo it explains alot) She hasn't had too much to cope with and the only hobby I've seen her with is reading. Like idk she's been stuck putting up with alot that her being allowed to be herself is just not possible so she has to bottle up everything. I'd want her to at least have her time and not be needed by ppl or unappreciated and just able to enjoy being?? There was a whole week we couldn't work bc of the winter weather and she was just so listless and had no idea what to do with her freetime, she just sat on the couch all day. Work is her escape, but it's so fucking stressful now, she doesn't have an escape. I just want her to be ok, she deserves that much.

[dumbthingsthat]

Reading a book that straight up hits alot of insecurities I've struggled with since I figured out my identity is like cool but also really fucking rude? Like I love being able to relate to a story bc it makes you feel less alone or less worried bc they came out of it ok or had a better understanding of themselves. STILL it just reminds me of how much shit I have to go through to get to that point and it's always frustrating.

I pinpointed what really bothered me about breaking up with a friend, it felt like a confirmation about this weird feeling I had about dating in general. I just have 1 too many marginalized identities that make me unlovable? Being black, bi, and non-binary is just too much to fight against and no one wants to be around someone like that, so you don't feel worthy of love? When i initially started that relationship that's what I was afraid of, losing someone that I spent all my time with. We were just always hanging out when we could, to the point I got in trouble for going over to their house all the time. So fast forward now, and i just miss the hell out of it. And now knowing more about their identity makes it worse bc of just how compatible we were. They may not have been able to relate to every experience I go through but it was very close. Or just having someone who wanted to be around you and liked you! Identities included, just total acceptance. Feeling like there's only 1 person like that out there is reaaaaally hard to move past. (Also finding out that adhd makes it hard to move past relationships is f u n)

AND on top of that on a semi-related note I feel like ping ponging between different names is weird but my birthname only feels right as a nickname, not the whole thing. But there's another one that feels good. Sometimes when I had the idea of trying out another name I feel slightly uncomfortable bc it feels like forcing it, but this doesn't

I could really see myself with this name tho

[dumbthingsthat]

Re-read a great deal of my vents on here and boy oh boy that rds for alot of those definite con posts is just verrrry poignant. Like it was every con in the last 3 yrs pre-pandemic I had this shitty feeling about how my friends were treating me (and not to really excuse them bc they do exclude ppl from stuff or don't make an effort to connect to others outside of their close knit group?) But never really noticed just how that shook my already shitty mental health 😬 (sidenote it's not better I'm just more aware of it and why I feel very hostile towards them or come across as passive whenever there's anything new happening in the friend group...so it's good to be aware so I can figure out my actual issue with the situation)

Anyways with another year of limited job opportunities, and interactions, it has me nostalgic for things that made me feel less lonely or awkward. It's totally hard to ignore how stunted you feel when you see others around you figuring stuff out. I'm on okc to like look but not have any interest in talking with anybody bc my mind is so very much convinced it won't be anything like my 1st relationship where I could be myself around them and my interests and their interests were literally the same to an extent so connecting wasn't difficult. I never really got my closure and I don't think contacting them now will get me that. 1 bc I'm afraid if that they've made progress in the m.h stuff me texting them will ruin that? 2 if they don't respond that'll mean they've totally moved on and have no reason to say anything and it'll paint me as a desperate person who can't let go of something 3yrs ago that lasted for like 9months?

It's defs bc I'm lonely, and I miss having a good friend who constantly put in the effort to just say hi? Someone who you could just be around quietly and it just was nice. It's real easy to make it out to be perfect bc there's nothing to compare it to and to watch others around you literally have that...it fucking sucks. I also hate feeling like bc I'm thinking this way that they're thinking this way too and we're creating reasons to not say anything to eachother. We were both scared to say anything that might've ruined our friendship before we dated (that's why it took a year to ask them out bc we were good friends before) so yeaaah my brain feels like that's why we don't talk anymore

Not the obvious one that, like a healthy person-->they moved on bc that was what was best for them and I should do the same! Unfortunately my brain is still wonky and 3yrs is long but trauma, an untreated neurodivergency, and still living at home can only give me so much to expect as for growth

I'm intuitive as hell, and it's freaky to the point where I'd say like if I have a gut feeling about something, I'm usually 90% right....which is why I can't let go of the thought of contacting them

(And mmmboy the fact I know that their pronouns are different is a dead giveaway that I haven't completely stayed away...well I creeped once on their blog about 2ish months ago??? BUT STILL)

Idk mannnnn being very aware that something is a bad idea but you still wanna do it is weird. I hate self awareness and hyperfixation working against eachother like this

[dumbthingsthat]

Rejoined the work force at the beginning of the month so I work with my mom, which isn't terrible thank god, but holy fuck existing is just 200% awful right now.

Like is this my only option??? Is just not feasible for me to work in the career I want and not have to deal with this stupid fucking job I have now??? And I'd feel like shit if I just randomly quit outta nowhere. But geez it's literally impossible to feel like anything is worth anything right now.

My possible outlet is closed, bc I thought of moving bc ironically without working I have more money than ever so I could've moved in with a friend but now she's planning on moving in with her bf sooo like hell am I gonna decide to pop up on her doorstep to derail those plans.

I'm just straight up at a loss of what the hell I'm supposed to do, and even going to school to get another degree or whatever seems pointless bc the world is on fire.

Like for a solid 5 months I was happy. I had a job in my career field, getting more experience to go other places, but the latter half of last year sent all of that to a downward spiral and now I just don't know.

What even is the point?

[dumbthingsthat]

So someone slamming doors, yelling at the top of their lungs, threatening you or throwing stuff at you for something as simple as cooking is ok?

Well maybe you shouldn't do that, she says

When you finally break down bc it's not just the cooking, it's the yelling bc you got laid off, bc you took a job you loved instead of going for a better career, bc you decided on a major that made you happy instead of one he picked, bc you decided to not go to medical school and hear the constant disappointment or get told the reason you're failing is bc you're not following what God wants

You get told some excuses or blamed for the other person's behavior because it's ok because you disobeyed them. Or you get told you're not trying hard enough to move out bc if you were you would've asked to move in with an older brother (bc that would definitely make you feel like less of a burden totally).

Everything is your fault. You can get yelled at and threatened bc you were disobedient. You were disobedient. It's all ok bc you were disobedient. No one takes you seriously, when you hurt bc you sound like your Aunt who struggles with depression and no one likes to talk to her bc she doesn't trust God enough. You're not trusting God enough.

You deserve everything coming your way. You were disobedient. You were stupid. It's all ok bc you brought it on yourself.

Your feelings don't mean anything bc you brought it on yourself. It's ok though. It all be ok. Go to sleep, and you won't hear the comments behind your back on how you're not trying hard enough. Go to sleep.

Maybe in the morning they'll see something is wrong.

[dumbthingsthat]

Low and behold 2020 continues to be awful in general. Across the globe, in my state, in my personal life, and I am s o tired.

My brain is just so drained from everything and just when I could have the smallest bit of relief from the onslaught of just bad news, I get more

Like it's hard to just keep pretending that things will get better bc it won't mostly bc ppl aren't listening to ANYBODY who just might have more insight on a situation.

So I got laid off, and immediately upon telling my dad that, he blamed me for having the job in the first place. (We're gonna skip over the fact it was 1. In my career field, and 2. I would've been working if it weren't for the mishandling of the pandemic). Like idk what anyone expected me to do given the fact that everything shut down when I was going back to work. No one knew how this was going to play out, so finding another job in the middle of uncertainty was just not going to happen. So fast forward to now, I was literally in the middle of training for a full work schedule when shit hit the fan THIS MORNING. Everyone had no idea that this was going to turn on its head so fucking fast, what was I supposed to do to prevent that? It was out my hands, and there is literally nothing out here atm that I'm qualified for to do as a job in the middle of a goddamn pandemic.

And what's even worse is, I can't be mad or upset over my situation bc to anyone in this house I tell, it's my fault bc I took a stupid job to them (once again, in my career field, used my degree, would've been working right now). It's an "I told you so" or "this is what you should've been doing" dialogue and that's not helpful and it quite literally makes it impossible for me to trust my own decisions EVER bc if it's not what my parents want, it's wrong

Soooo I have no idea what to do, and i have idea if it's even gonna fucking matter if the government doesn't kill us all in the near future

[dumbthingsthat]

Feeling massively insecure about dating for the millionth time it's great

My brother's gf cheated on him and he's all down and i have absolutely no insight on how to deal with it bc I'm an emotionally stunted adult who will 25 in a few weeks anddd idk how I even feel about that. I know what I want out of a relationship but holy fuck I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm virtually nonexistent and I'm awkward. I can't imagine anyone legitimately liking me which is why dating in the first place was so fucking strange to me. Who the fuck actually decided that they were attracted to me??

When you're in middle school and you don't have anyone ask you out you start to think something is off, but then you realize you're still a kid and that is literally the last priority....but when it keeps happening in hs and in college, you know for certain you're fucking different. It's hard to find my worth and I'm barely living life as is so the smallest things I can control, to have that self worth is just not happening sooo i just feel like a human disaster that's invisible all the time annnd literally having a crush on someone long distance isn't helping. It's nice to be considered and actually visible but it's only a matter of time before they get that im just weird and the cycle of wanting to fill that void starts again.

[dumbthingsthat]

Some ppl need to take the fucking hint that I don't want to talk with you?? I fucking removed as a follower intentionally, you can't see my posts, I didn't respond to that wack ass last minute invite to cover your ass bc you saw I got upset via instagram??? Like fuck off mayhaps?????

I don't want an apology, I'd like space and potentially just never hearing from you again would be ok too atm. But seriously next thing is me blocking you to do it for you so you're not allowed to even contact me. Like seriously the last 4 days is the most they've contacted me the whole goddamn year and they'd wonder why I'm pissed. Also this is like 1 person out of 3 others so I know where I stand there. But this person in particular is a liaison and also like the most vocal social media wise if there's something happening, so maybe everybody will get the hint that they're shitty friends and I'm done trying to try with them specifically in this town right now. If it's everyone in the friends group, then I can work with being cordial BUT until then, leave me alone