elleloquently - Tumblr blog

elleloquently · 25 days

Text

the wretched and joyful [ 2 ] : ellie williams

ellie williams x female reader | eventual angst + slowburn

───⋆☆ But we don't have to talk about it, I can walk you home and practice method acting - I'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning ♪

───⋆☆ I'm trying to be cool about it, Feelin' like an absolute fool about it Wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it - Tellin' myself I can always do without it, Knowin' that it probably isn't true ♪

| a/n - part two!! tags are at the bottom, let me know if u wanna be added! if you enjoyed reading, please considering reblogging/leaving a comment <3 thank you! | c/w - swearing, vague depictions of anxiety.. reader is in love with her best friend idk what to tell you!!

nearly everything that belonged to you used to belong to someone else. that's just the way things were.

you tried to find the thought comforting, but it really felt haunting.

when you moved into your house in jackson, it was like a still life museum. you couldn't help but try to imagine who lived there first, before the world went to shit. you tried to imagine what their daily life was like. how scared they must've been when...

it made you feel like you were living in a haunted house, and you were scared of ghosts.

maria was kind enough to set you up with some things that she thought you would like, but it still felt like you were living somewhere that you didn't belong.

the house felt like it was full of ghosts, so you rearranged and redecorated until it finally felt like your own.

years later, after a lot of trading and sorting through items ellie might find on patrol, you were actually pretty proud of the space that you presented for yourself. adeline once joked that you seemed to have a taste for "the frills," but you didn't mind.

you liked girly things, things that you could keep in secret and feel pretty without worrying about whether or not you seemed tough enough.

ellie had her comics, and you had your own things too.

your guilty pleasure was old magazines, filled with toxic drama, interior design tips, and how to's for all of your accessorizing needs. the pages were cheap and worn but good enough. the silly quizzes were the best part.

you liked pretending. pretending to live in that world instead of this one, wishing you could've been a girl picking out nail polish to match her outfits and deciding which color scheme suited her best. it flooded your senses with longing and never failed to give you a pit in your stomach.

it was like some kind of morbid obsession, wishing for better than what you had.

you didn't really talk about it, especially with ellie. you already knew how she felt about that sort of thing. besides, it made you feel weak. she just knew that you liked silly magazines, and would bring you them without a second thought if she had ever managed to find one.

jesse was actually the first to help you build your little collection. dina had found one on patrol, and brought it back so you could all laugh at the ridiculous headlines. when everything was winding down and you sheepishly asked if you could keep it, jesse seemed to take note.

besides ellie, jesse was one of your closest friends. he was a little more understanding to the sensitive side of you, which you appreciated. you hated feeling like you had to defend every little thought or feeling, to prove you weren't weak.

you'd been spending more time together as of late, especially since his patrol schedule was pretty much opposite of dina's.

you hated when they fought, always over something small and immature and it left you feeling like a child stuck in the middle. any group hangouts were typically reserved for when dina and jesse were on - so according to the news you had received from ellie, things were looking up.

when a knock at your door earned your attention, you jumped to answer it right away. you already knew who you were expecting.

"morning," you grinned as you held the door open. "are you coming in or am i coming out?" you wore shoes just in case, standing in the doorway.

"you're coming out," jesse replied, wearing a light jacket that he would most likely shed later. summer would be here soon, and the change in weather was certainly improving the mood of everyone in jackson.

you nodded once and tugged a sweater over your arms, closing the door behind you as you stepped outside. you loved mornings like this, warm and peaceful. it felt full of promise.

"where to?" you questioned, allowing jesse to take the lead. he grinned when he replied.

"the stables. hope you're not wearing your best clothes."

you scowled but only as a joke. you weren't wearing your "best" anything but even if you were, it wouldn't have mattered.

"you know i never mind," you chirped, bumping jesse's arm. "how come?"

"we're training more people for patrol so we might need more help in the stables for a bit. think you're willing to give an extra hand when you aren't wrangling the children?" jesse asked, raising an eyebrow as the corners of his lips turned upward.

there was somewhat of a school in jackson, and during the week you helped out with the younger kids. there weren't many, but enough so that they were glad to have your help.

"i would love to help," you said honestly, and jesse's smile turned sly.

"i know that," he replied. "that's why i already signed you up."

you snorted, rolling your eyes at his confident response. "whatever. i would've helped regardless, anytime."

"i know," jesse repeated. "thanks, kid."

this made you roll your eyes again, scoffing. there was barely even an age difference.

"you sound like joel." you wrinkled your nose, tilting your head. "all of you patrol people have such a complex," you grumbled, trying your very best not to smile.

"yeah, yeah." jesse slung an arm over your shoulders, causing you to gasp at the audacity. "you love us."

"us?" you questioned, falling into step with him.

jesse couldn't contain the shit-eating grin that plastered itself onto his face. "us. me, dina... ellie."

you laughed once, loud and embarrassed.

"you're so full of it," you replied, stepping out from under his arm.

"what? what did i say?"

"you're not funny. besides, i'm actually very upset with you," you confessed, staring down at your shoes while you walked.

your shift in tone was enough to concern jesse, and he almost seemed bewildered as he questioned you.

"what? why? what did i do?" he slowed his pace, waiting for you to respond.

you waited just a moment to linger it over his head before grabbing his arm, shaking it while you bounced on your feet like an excited child.

"for not telling me that you have a girlfriend!" you gushed, causing jesse to roll his eyes and quickly walk away from you.

"what's her name? what does she look like? is she gonna meet your family?" you continued on as jesse swatted at you. "you know i had to find out from ellie?"

"you're ridiculous," jesse grumbled.

"and you're keeping things from me?" you were really playing it up, finding satisfaction in the way he shook his head.

"you know, you're not funny," jesse mocked.

you laughed, catching back up with him. "really though, is everything all good?"

a small smile slipped in the place of jesse's scowl. "all good," he confirmed softly.

jesse seemed content so you let that be enough, finishing your walk to the stables in peaceful silence.

you didn't need much instruction since you were already quite familiar with the tasks. instead, it was mostly jesse explaining which horses would be in and out and when. you carried on with some light maintenance, chatting through each chore. jesse didn't really need to stay and help, but you appreciated the conversation.

"so," you started, placing a bucket of supplies on the ground. "what're we doing tonight?"

"huh?" jesse huffed, looking uncharacteristically caught off guard.

"the four of us," you clarified, brushing your palms on your pants. "i figured since things were cool again that we could finally hang out," you explained, though your use of finally might've been a bit overdramatic. jesse and dina were broken up for about a week, which meant a week of splitting your time between the two of them.

though lately you've been seeing less of dina, maybe because of her and ellie having plans or similar schedules.

"oh!" jesse exclaimed, the sudden loudness catching you off guard. "right. well, you know," jesse stammered.

you raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to put together a coherent sentence that wasn't just him shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head.

"you know," he repeated, even though you obviously didn't. "dina and i just thought that maybe... it would just be the two of us tonight. to um," jesse coughed. "catch up?"

you nodded silently, eyes wide with embarrassment. "of course!" you choked out, desperately wanting to save jesse from any more you know's and awkward stammering.

"hey, maybe tomorrow night," jesse offered, awkwardly clapping you on the shoulder. "you'll still hang with ellie, right?"

you nodded again, kicking your shoe against the ground.

you hoped that ellie would want to see you again, even though you just slept over. the matter wouldn't usually even be a factor, but you felt different lately. a little weird, like you were bothering her too much or something.

"for sure," you muttered, tossing a rag into the bucket with a clang.

jesse was quick to catch your change in tone.

"did something happen?" he questioned, leaning against a stable door.

his question felt like an assumption and you found yourself growing insecure as if everyone had noticed that something was different too.

you wanted to confide in him, you should've confided in him, about how ellie could be so hot and cold and was it normal to get stomach aches whenever you were around her?

instead, you forced out a short laugh and shook your head.

"'course not. she'll probably just sleep after she gets back."

jesse studied you briefly before kicking his weight off of the door, brushing his hands together.

"right. well, dina will probably be back soon so i should..."

"go on," you grinned, waving him away.

"you wanna come with?" jesse offered, knowing ellie would be returning as well.

"i actually think i'll stick around here. for... a little bit," you responded shyly, but jesse already knew why. "go on," you encouraged. "go!"

you watched as jesse walked away, casual at first but his stride turned into a sprint when he turned the corner, assuming he was out of view.

you laughed to yourself, standing awkwardly in the now empty stable. ellie would show up soon enough, which was good. you wanted a chance to talk to her. you were starting to feel pretty weird about how often you slept in her bed while she left for patrol in the morning.

you waited around a bit, standing awkwardly in the middle of the stables until you started to feel stupid and instead made yourself look busy. you rearranged some cleaning supplies in the buckets, and even wiped stall doors that you had already cleaned, just to look busy.

of course, ellie didn't appear until you were seemingly making small talk with a horse in the stable.

"-like it better when the weather is warm, right?"

ellie snorted, the sound cutting through the otherwise silent atmosphere that was only filled by your own chattering and the occasional horse sigh.

"who are you talking to?" ellie questioned, her tone lazy and amused.

ellie already knew, of course, but the startled look on your face was priceless.

"how was patrol?" you asked awkwardly. ellie led shimmer into the stables as you spoke.

"uneventful," ellie answered simply.

"that's good, right?" you asked, coming up to pet shimmer as she was being placed into her stall.

"uh, yeah, i guess," ellie shrugged, her tone sounding distant.

you deflated, just a little. maybe she needed some space.

"i'm gonna... get going," you announced, a little quieter than you intended but you had found your footing by the end of the sentence. finally, ellie turned and looked at you.

"what? you've been hanging around but now all of a sudden i'm here, and you're leaving?" ellie questioned, her eyebrows pinching together.

"just don't wanna be in the way," you replied, not knowing if you should take a step closer or a step further away.

"please," ellie huffed. you weren't sure if it was kind or insulting.

please like you're always in the way and don't seem to mind, or please like you're never in the way?

you opened your mouth, almost to ask for clarification, but the thought alone made your cheeks burn.

"i'm serious," you said instead, but didn't make any effort actually leave.

“of course you are,” ellie said, rolling her eyes. you caught the hint of a smile on her face though, just before she turned her back to you.

silent minutes ticked by while ellie was busy, and it was only awkward because you truly couldn't decide if you should just leave or stay. after the hesitation it seemed quite obvious that you would stay, but the dilemma made your face grow hot anyway. when did you start overthinking your interactions with ellie so much??

you really didn't want things with ellie to start being complicated, everything else was already complicated enough.

who was at fault, anyway? or was it simply nothing other than growing restless as the days grew longer?

your thoughts did a better job of occupying you than you had expected, because ellie blinked at you, unmoving.

"are you coming or what?" she asked, with that same unreadable tone that she seemed to love using lately.

you blinked. then nodded.

is this how things were going to be now? is this how they always were, you were only just now noticing?

you almost physically shook your head at the thought.

"coming where?" you asked instead.

ellie shrugged, something like a smile twitching at her lips.

you couldn't tell if she was trying to force a smile, or hide a real one and what the fuck, when did you start having so much trouble reading her?

"we could see joel," you suggested, trying to sound more upbeat than you had felt. you were in such a good mood yesterday, where did it go?

ellie raised her eyebrows at you.

"it's been a long time since we all had dinner together, just the three of us," you said nonchalantly, not wanting it to sound like a hint.

"yeah, well," ellie muttered, her gaze dropping to the ground. "a bit early for dinner, don't you think?"

"that's not really the point, but okay," you dismissed.

"what is the point then?" ellie asked, her voice suddenly more loud and pointed compared to just a few seconds ago.

the immediate switch in her demeanor caused your eyebrows to pinch together. "i thought you were.. doing better?"

the look on ellie's face was all of the confirmation that you had needed. it was the kind of expression that made you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

"sorry. i just thought.. you know, the boots," you practically stammered, not wanting ellie to be annoyed with you.

"'just being nice," ellie replied tightly, to which you nodded solemnly in return.

"forget it then. sorry. i shouldn't have mentioned it," you spoke, wiping your palms on your pants.

the fight, or, whatever it was that happened between ellie and joel was possibly the biggest and only secret that ellie had ever kept from you, to your knowledge. she was so frustratingly vague about it, skating around answers and reasons as to why joel didn't seem like her joel anymore.

they were friendlier now, more so than right after it had happened, but still it felt strained. it had practically happened overnight, much to the confusion of nearly everyone around the two, and things were still not back to the way in which they used to be.

you missed the dinners.

truthfully, you still had dinner with joel occasionally. you weren't sure if ellie knew, but you had never mentioned it to her.

considering, ellie wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

"forget it," ellie repeated quietly. for a moment, she looked kind of awkward, like she was trying to think of something else to say.

it actually sort of made you feel better.

the silence that followed lingered, but not too long, making it possible to recover from.

"let's just get out of here," ellie mumbled, so quietly that you nearly missed it. she began walking without even glancing back at you, surely assuming that you would just follow.

and you did.

you almost tripped over your own feet when you realized how seamlessly you would follow her without another word. it was dangerous, nearly.

"we could go to tipsy?" you suggested lightly, trying to catch up to ellie so it didn't seem as though you were trailing after her.

at your suggestion, ellie snorted.

"what, tough day or something? it's the afternoon," ellie denied, and you were simply grateful that the lighthearted teasing tone had returned to her voice.

"maybe another time. jesse and dina could come, we could make it a thing."

ellie raised an eyebrow, peering sideways at you as your lazy steps fell into sync.

"a thing," ellie repeated softly, shaking her head with a soft chuckle.

"is something wrong with that?" you questioned, squinting your eyes as the bright sun invaded your sightline.

"huh? no. just cute the way you always try to like... i don't know, make an event out of things," ellie explained.

your cheeks warmed, but the guise of the heat helped it to go unnoticed.

cute.

you didn't want ellie's words to linger, so you scrambled fast.

"hey, i still need to debut my new skirt, right?" you managed.

"that you do," ellie sighed. "or you could just- i don't know, hear me out.. just, put it on?"

you frowned at her teasing, even though it made your heart swell with affection. "that's boring, ellie. don't you know me at all?"

"best of all, actually," ellie retorted. you opened your mouth to fire back a reply, but nothing came.

ellie was right usually, always, when it came to you. she knew you better than anyone. in the world that you lived in, it was practically the best gift that you could give to someone that you cared for. vulnerability, loyalty. the ability to trust and be trusted. being known and feeling seen was like a reward.

sure, jackson was your home. but you weren't sure how much it truly would feel like home if ellie wasn't there.

it was funny, sometimes you had forgotten that you hadn't actually known ellie your whole life.

sometimes, you pathetically wondered what things might've been like if you had known ellie forever.

a few years ago, when ellie was prone to more laughter, she would tell fabricated stories about your friendship if you had met before. you would never forget the look on her face the first time that you had confided in her about the mistreatment from the QZ crowd.

"i would've fucked 'em up," ellie said solemnly, causing you to laugh in disbelief.

"what? ellie, i was... thirteen. you would've been too."

"yeah, and? i would've fucked them up. and then..-"

she would continue until you were in a fit of giggles, wheezing through laughter.

neither of you had much of a childhood, but ellie had some lucky moments. your time together though, it almost felt healing. despite everything.

"i know," you said finally, falling short of thinking up a witty response.

"you don't need to make any stops today, do you?" ellie questioned suddenly.

an evident look of confusion crossed your face as you answered. "hm? you mean addie? no, why?"

"just wondering," ellie grumbled, and your lips twisted into a teasing smile.

"why do you get so weird about her?" you questioned, closing your fingers around her wrist to keep her walking pace in tune with your own.

"i don't get weird," ellie disagreed, her tone bordering on childish. "i just feel like she's always judging me or something."

"judging you?" you laughed, the sudden loudness cutting through the hazy, quiet afternoon of jackson. "ellie, adeline does not judge you."

"she looks at me funny," ellie complained, wrinkling her nose.

"she does not!" you released your hold on ellie's wrist, limply wacking her arm instead. ellie only reacted by rolling her eyes.

"besides, if she looks at you funny, she probably has a reason for it," you contemplated with a click of your tongue.

"what? what did i do?" ellie questioned, her cheeks turning red.

you laughed again, loud, causing ellie to reach over and shove your side. you only momentarily stumbled, the clumsy reaction not halting your laughter.

"whatever. see you later," ellie grumbled, making no effort to walk ahead of you.

"okay, see you later," you chirped, settling your giggles but the aftermath still made your cheeks sting. ellie glanced at you quickly, and you could tell that she was wondering if you were actually going to leave.

your hand accidentally brushed against ellie's and you moved to put some distance between your bodies, ignoring the way that it sent jolts through your body.

"are you gonna stay again?" ellie asked, her tone sounding a little too forced to be nonchalant, but the attempt was there.

"at yours? sure. i feel like i haven't slept in my own bed in ages," you responded.

"you don't have to come," ellie said simply.

"no, it's not a bad thing," you clarified. really, it wasn't.

"i could come to yours?" ellie asked, a look crossing her face that you couldn't quite depict, almost like she had remembered something. maybe she didn't want to risk a run in with joel, as your dinner comment had unsettled her.

"only if you want," you shrugged.

"just let me grab some stuff first," ellie told you, to which you silently obliged with a nod of your head.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"you're... okay, you're doing it wrong." ellie's snappy tone caused you to huff.

"i'm doing exactly what you said."

"no, you're not listening."

"you're not explaining!"

ellie rolled her eyes, moving to sit closer to you on the floor.

"your fingers are supposed to stay down, right here," ellie delicately pressed your fingers into place as you hold her guitar. you have to swallow hard, willing yourself not to react to her touch.

"one finger per fret, like this," ellie explains, her voice softer as she regained her patience.

"you know i'm never gonna be good at this," you complained, letting your fingers go limp under ellie's pressure.

"then why do you keep saying that you want to learn?" ellie questioned, sitting back and dropping her hands to her lap.

"because i want to be good at it," you sighed. you stretched your arms, handing the guitar to ellie. "it wouldn't be the same anyway. i just like when you play for me."

ellie's cheeks go crimson. "shut up."

she strummed anyway, showing you how the song that you were 'attempting' to learn was supposed to sound.

you leaned your back against the side of your bed, the wooden floor beneath you providing little comfort. ellie explained chords as the dreamlike sounds filled your bedroom. you listened intently, more focused on the sound of ellie's voice than the actual information that it was providing.

you spend a lot of nights like this, being the only two people in the world, the moon being your only light until you fall asleep.

your curtains, dingy and laced, were drawn back purposefully for that very reason, you had admired the late sunset as the moon finally began to peek its way into the night sky.

the moon, the sound of ellie's voice, the feeling of your surroundings seeming slightly fuzzy from how tired you were.. you wished you could bottle up these moments and keep them forever.

in these moments, when you watched her, your feelings seemed clear as day. ellie's eyebrows furrowed in concentration, the way her fingers seemed to strum effortlessly on the guitar, the little strands of hair that kept escaping her bun and falling into her face.

surely you loved her. there was simply no other way around it.

when it was dark, you could think it over and over.

i think i love her. i really think i might love her. it would make your pulse quicken and your insides explode, but the thought was fathomable. for some reason though, during the day, it couldn't even be a question. you would deny it. you wouldn't even allow the thought to slip into your mind as long as you could help it.

you really, truly weren't sure why it made such a big difference.

"i love it," you murmured, referring to the song that ellie was playing.

"i remember," ellie replied, feeling the need to whisper though she wasn't exactly sure why. "it's why i learned it, anyway."

ellie said it so simply, so casually, that you wouldn't have given it a second thought until you noticed the way that she refused to meet your gaze, even after she stopped playing.

"maybe i will be good at it one day," you hummed.

"maybe," ellie snorted. "if you ever get any patience."

"says you," you replied with a frown. "i'm super patient," you argued, but you had a hard time believing your own words. not that you were determined to change ellie's mind, anyway. your thoughts were elsewhere.

"maybe," ellie mumbled suddenly, catching you slightly off guard. you slip off into your own thoughts entirely too easily. "if you're always with those kids. i couldn't fucking stand it."

"i guess that's true. it just feels.. different? i don't know." your slight laugh turns into a yawn as you shake your head. "jesse told me you guys are trying to put more people on patrol?"

ellie nodded, rolling her eyes. "yeah. 'been a pain in the ass, that's for sure."

"that bad, huh?" you questioned, toying with the hem of your cardigan that you had thrown over your pajamas.

"i'm just.. i don't like the teaching stuff. i just want to get it done, you know?"

you nodded, and wondered if that's why ellie has seemed more exhausted than usual. "i get it. you can't blame maria for pairing people with you, though."

"i wish she wouldn't."

"yeah, but ellie, you're one of the best. you know that."

ellie shook her head, causing more strands of hair to frame her face. you could've laughed at her dedication to leaving the few strands still pulled back in a bun, instead of just taking it out entirely.

"maybe i should sign up," you said, partly joking. "finally give patrol a real try.

"no," ellie responded firmly, a little too quickly. you had only been kidding, you knew you would be no good, but regardless her reaction was a little much.

"why not?"

"because you can't.. you're not.. it's just, not your thing, alright?" ellie huffed.

you crossed your arms and wanted to be offended but ellie was right. you were no good for it. still, you rolled your eyes and refused to make eye contact until your name slipped from ellie's lips like an apology.

"just forget it, alright?" ellie pleaded, her voice regaining its softness.

you looked at her, the lighting was dim but your eyes were adjusted to the dark that had fallen over the room. she felt the most familiar like this, like your ellie.

ellie was softer in the moonlight. maybe she felt more like herself in it, too. the way she looked now - messy hair, pink cheeks, almost gave you a dreamlike feeling as if you could spill your guts to her and everything would be fine.

"alright," you murmured, allowing your eyes to lock with ellie's green ones. the darkness was safe, you wouldn't shy under her gaze. you were brave. "i was only kidding anyway. and i know that you only said no because you know that i would be the best at patrol and steal your crown."

"okay, you need to go to sleep," ellie replied simply. she stood from the floor, stretching and fidgeting with her hoodie.

"you hate when i have fun," you mumbled bitterly as ellie crossed to your window, closing the curtains. they didn't provide much coverage, but the room was suddenly consumed with less light than before.

"you hate when i'm right." ellie reached her hand down to you, and you allowed yourself to be pulled up from the floor. ellie pulled back the bedding as you discarded your cardigan onto the floor.

there was a couch in the living room. plenty of blankets and pillows for a comfortable enough spot on the floor. sharing the bed was never a discussion, you just did. you never really considered otherwise. it didn't really seem like ellie ever did either. if she did, she didn't show it.

you tried to swallow your feelings as you slid into bed next to ellie, wondering if it was normal to always share a bed like this. wondering if it was normal to always overthink it.

"if i threw my sweater on the ground like that, you would be pissed at me," ellie remarked. you could hear the smile in her tone.

you couldn't help but roll your eyes at her exaggeration, and you hoped that she could see it. "bullshit, i would not."

despite your tone, you wanted nothing more than to reach out and swipe away the strands of hair covering ellie's face.

you honestly could have. you knew ellie wouldn't have minded, not in the privacy of your dim room. you would have, but it felt wrong if your feelings weren't purely platonic. you couldn't live in denial forever, at least not when it came to your feelings for ellie.

"liar," ellie mumbled, leaning on her arm. the proximity was daunting.

you couldn't do anything but shake your head. you certainly liked to keep a tidy space, not much like ellie, but you didn't mind her stuff around your room one bit.

"huh, that's what i thought," ellie said with a satisfied huff, as if your silence could be taken as agreement.

your brows furrowed instantly. surely she could read your expression.

"quit it," you sighed. "you're making things up. and being difficult," you added.

ellie shook her head, the remnants of her bun bobbing around the back of her neck.

"don't know what to tell you babe," she replied, the sarcasm in her voice prompting an eye roll from you.

"shut up and go to sleep," you complained, picking up your pillow and tossing it over her face.

"ow, what the hell?" ellie whined. she was genuinely making a fuss and you laughed plainly at her. maybe she really hadn't changed that much over the years. at least not when it was just the two of you.

"don't say ow. pillows don't hurt," you said simply. your lack of concern made ellie's jaw drop as she leaned forward and twisted to the side, looking over you as you rested your back against the soft mattress.

ellie was practically looming over you. you stifled a nervous giggle but didn't bother tearing your eyes away from ellie's.

she stared at you for a moment, any hint of a joke on her face quickly leaving. ellie looked like she was going to say something at first, but maybe she had forgotten or changed her mind because she only remained silent as if she were studying you.

the steadiness of her gaze began to make you uncomfortable as nerves swirled around your stomach. ellie's eyes flickered over your face, and you would've done anything to read her mind. was she actually annoyed or was it something else? ellie's lips parted slightly and your breath hitched, guilty once again for the thoughts clouding your mind.

you sat up to break the tension, say a stupid joke maybe, but you moved too quickly and your face was too close to ellie's now. before you had a moment to feel embarrassed, ellie pressed a palm to your chest and promptly shoved you back down. you fell back against the bed with a huff.

the moment of whatever it was was quickly erased as ellie tore her gaze away from you and settled back into her spot.

you didn't speak again and neither did ellie. she simply handed you your pillow and turned on her side, putting her back to you. you remained still for too long, trying desperately to settle your breathing.

you held a heavy hand over your chest, pressing down firmly as you attempted to set your mind straight.

thoughts of just friends, don't fuck up- plagued your mind for only what you could've assumed to be hours on end.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

you left ellie alone in your bed that morning.

you tried not to wonder how it would make her feel as you pulled on your cardigan from the floor and tip toed out of the room.

she must've been exhausted.

the mornings were still cold before the sunshine had a chance to warm up the earth around you, so you walked quickly through the quiet streets of jackson.

there were some people, of course, out and about, but not quite as often as usual considering it was the weekend.

you were lucky.

you were lucky to know ellie and lucky to have ellie. that could be enough. you never wanted to lose her, so you could never do anything that would cause you to lose her. you were lucky, and you would be happy to swallow your feelings and keep a secret as long as it resulted in your friendship always remaining.

your hands balled into fists at your sides, mentally pushing away any stray, worrying thoughts.

"where are you goin' all dressed up this morning?"

you halted at the familiar voice, your cheeks sheepishly growing warm at the teasing. regardless, your smile was genuine.

"to dina's, i think," you replied, turning to meet tommy. you looked down at your pajama pants and top, realizing the cardigan didn't disguise it as much as you had hoped.

tommy had been the first person to ever give you a break. even though you were already a teenager when they brought you into jackson, tommy and joel practically raised you up more than anybody else ever had. with adeline hollis included, they were the closest thing to family you ever had.

"everything alright?" he questioned, frown lines deepening.

"of course, why?" you responded, squinting curiously at the older man.

"oh, nothin'. just, ellie isn't with you is all."

you swallowed hard, swatting at the air to distract from the fact that your smile had tightened. "she's sleeping!" then, for good measure, you changed the subject. "are you getting back from patrol?"

"yes ma'am," tommy replied in a way that drew a laugh out of you.

"you better go get some sleep too then," you warned, and he waved you away.

"go on, get outta here," tommy gruffed, sending you on your way.

your steps were more hurried now and you bounced nervously on your feet when you reached dina's front door.

you figured it was your best bet.

you knocked three times, and you only had to wait a few moments before the door creaked open an inch.

"hey honey, what's the matter?" dina inquired, eyebrows rising in concern as she looked at you.

you noticeably deflated. "what? why does everybody keep asking me that?" you laughed, and it sounded a little too forced. "i'm fine!"

dina scanned your features but visibly relaxed at your words, opening the door wider. "what's up then?"

"i was wondering if- hi jesse," you cut yourself off as his figure appeared in the doorway.

"is everything okay?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on dina's shoulder.

you groaned, causing a look of bewilderment to cross jesse's face.

"she's fine," dina murmured, offering you a small smile.

"i just wanted to ask if you guys wanted to go to the tipsy bison. with me. and ellie, probably." you offered, clasping your hands together in front of you.

"it's pretty early, i don't think seth would even- ow!"

dina cut jesse off with a jab. "when?" she asked, which pleased you very much.

"meet at sunset?" you suggested hopefully, eyes darting between the couple.

you were thrilled when they agreed. of course, they had said, and you left them to enjoy their morning.

on your walk back to your house, you forced yourself to breathe steady. ellie would probably be awake, and that was fine. you were friends, and that was fine. lucky. the best gift you could ask for.

you plastered a smile on your face, swallowing down every negative feeling and emotion.

you were in a good mood. you had to be.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

tags :

@dinoastronaut @skylerwhitwyo @muthafuckingstargirl @minustwofingers @mirrorballels @macaroni676

#ellie williams x reader

181 notes · View notes

elleloquently · 25 days

Text

the wretched and joyful : ellie williams

life in jackson has been life with ellie williams, your best friend that you've spent nearly every day with. it was easy to ignore the butterflies or shaking hands, until ellie starts to pull away and you're left with untangling the feelings all on your own.

| a/n - excited to finally share the intro for my new multi part fic! i have so much planned for this. had to have an intro showing cute friendship stuff before it all gets destroyed. if you enjoyed reading this, please consider commenting/reblogging! <3 | c/w - general themes : ellie williams x female reader. mentions of violence, jealousy, best friends (to enemies) to lovers, angst, mutual pining, slow burn. this fic is purely for fun. with that being said, every single detail will not be canon compliant. if that may bother you, this might not be the fic for you! thank u!

you had almost died before you had made it to jackson.

you didn't really know why you weren't dead. you weren't really sure why the man with the gun took pity on you that day. maybe it really was your weakness that had saved you.

weakness, or plain stupidity. it didn't matter anyway.

when you were surrounded by a group of people on horses, you were fighting for sensibility. the lower halves of their faces had been covered with scarves acting as masks, and you didn't know if they were the bandits that assumably slaughtered your previous group or members of a rumored safe haven.

you had been scared and exhausted, fighting for your life even though you weren't even sure if that was what you wanted anymore. you yelled and spat out threats to spite the tears in your eyes, anything to defend yourself before your lungs would surely give out. driven purely by nerves, you continued waving your weapon around even when the man leading the group ordered you to drop it.

it was practically a death sentence. it should've been a death sentence, but it wasn't.

their promises of safety fell on deaf ears until you actually saw the place. even then, it was months until you got a decent night of sleep.

the man who was the first to point his gun at you, tommy, was also the first to lower it. you don't know what made him save you that day, but when you arrived at jackson he almost seemed amused.

in passing, he spoke to another man that you later learned to be joel.

"get ready for a case of deja fucking vu," tommy had muttered.

you didn't know what it meant, and you didn't know how to decipher the look that plastered itself onto joel's face.

you were the last surviving member of your group before jackson, or at least that's what you had to assume. nobody really believed that you had made it that far on your own, especially considering the state that you were in. you knew that they were weary about another group coming and looking for you, despite your honest confessions.

before jackson, before you were alone, you had been taken in by a group. the QZ was threatening to fall any day, and they had heard whispers. talk of safe communities throughout the states. with the information they had compiled across time, one of the rumors was bound to be true. you weren't admittedly close with any of the adults but on the night of chaos, they convinced you to join them.

you wanted to believe that they cared for you, but the truth lingered in the back of your mind. you knew that they knew that you wouldn't make it out. you wanted to believe that they were truly good, but when you shared your story with tommy, maria, and joel, you noticed the glances. the looks they shared. you didn't understand it until you were older, and even then it took awhile to come to terms with the truth.

your group wasn't saving you. they weren't looking out for you. they were using you. you were bait.

on the day that you had lost them, they told you to stay put in the woods. they told you that you would be safe there, because they weren't sure about what was up ahead. if the coast was clear, they would come back for you.

it wasn't true.

they had thought that they were heading into safety, and leaving you behind was a distraction to the bandits that had been hot on your trail. they had been wrong. they walked straight into trouble, and you went undetected.

and they had thought that you didn't stand a chance.

well, they were wrong. now all of them were dead and you were still here.

if only they stayed put, maybe they would've been saved too.

you were just about sixteen on the day that jackson opened itself up to you.

now, a few years later, you were proud to call jackson your home.

you had your own home, a house (though you swore that if the day ever came and jackson's population grew dramatically, you would be the first to offer it up. it was a compromise for allowing you to live on your own) to call your own, and friends. a community.

there weren't many people your age compared to the QZ, considering, but still somehow more than you had expected.

your first friend was dina, sent to check in on you days after you had first arrived in jackson. maria was concerned that you wouldn't be a good fit after you had stayed inside, hesitant to show your face. dina had knocked on your door, introduced herself, and by the very next day you had been out and about.

then came jesse. and then ellie. and then cat. and then there was less of cat, until your little group had solidified into yourself, dina, jesse, and ellie. you would thank your lucky stars every single day that you had people to relate to, people that you could talk to and really trust.

dina and jesse were great. so was ellie, just... differently. not in a bad way though. never in a bad way. joel had originally warned you that she could be a little rough around the edges, but you didn't get that. you talked about a lot of things pretty quickly. you never really knew what it was like to have a best friend, but you were pretty sure that ellie was it.

you were practically attached at the hip, once upon a time. though it became lesser and lesser as time went on, you still had a certain fondness for ellie in your heart that no one else seemed to match.

it's not that you stopped being friends, because you still hung out just about every single day. she just seemed a little different. less comfortable maybe, and a little more jaded. not that you blamed her. it was just difficult trying to decipher how she would feel each day. sometimes, ellie made you feel as though you were the most important person in the world. other times, she always seemed to keep you at an arm's length. more so lately than ever before. maybe she was getting a little sick of you, or maybe she was just drained from patrol. whatever it was, your feelings never seemed to waver.

"you're late," you observed, squinting over at the figure approaching you.

"hardly. patrol took longer than we thought. don't get picky," the figure warned, reaching a hand out to you.

you ignored the gesture, pulling yourself up from the curb in which you were sat.

"a plan is a plan, williams."

the tone of your scolding was half-hearted and the crease on ellie's forehead eased.

"any chance at a rain check?" ellie asked.

the softness of her tone made you do a double take, scanning her features for any sign of unhappiness. ellie looked fine though, just tired.

"i promised addie that i'd bring you. she's been wanting to talk to you, you know."

"i don't know what for," ellie muttered begrudgingly, but you knew that it was only because she was feeling shy.

adeline hollis was an older woman residing in jackson. you had grown close throughout your time spent there, pretty much depicting her as a familial figure in your life. besides dina, she was one of the first people to actually talk you.

mrs. hollis was quick-witted, kind-hearted, and exceptionally good with a needle. she fixed up clothes for you often, and managed to turn any stray fabrics into articles of clothing that you actually felt proud of. you felt safe around her, allowed to be vain and wish for pretty things despite the state of everything else.

you shrugged and took a few steps, allowing ellie to decide whether or not she was going to follow after you.

"doesn't matter," you brushed off. "besides, she was fixin' up joel's boots, you can play delivery girl."

"you're annoying today," ellie complained, and you knew that she was following you because the sound of her voice was pretty close.

"i'm in a good mood," you replied, frowning as the words left your lips. were you?

you could never give yourself much time to think about it. it wasn't worth a second thought anyway, not now.

"right," ellie snorted, finally appearing at your side.

the sun was so bright that it felt warm, the feeling of late spring tangible wherever you went.

you glanced at ellie briefly, not trusting yourself to look more than once. her cheeks were turning pink from the sun and she looked sleepy. it made your heart swell.

you didn't knock once you had made it to the familiar front door - you knew that you didn't need to.

"addie!" you called into the home, leaving ellie to follow in after you. "we're here!"

you were quickly greeted with a hug, made to feel like each visit was a special occasion despite how frequent they were.

"there you are!" adeline beamed, catching ellie extremely off guard by greeting her with a hug as well. "i'm so glad you girls are here."

"hi mrs. hollis," ellie mumbled, a bashful smile adorning her lips. ellie's cheeks were red from the interaction and you cleared your throat to stifle a giggle.

"do you have it?" you inquired, prompting ellie's confusion from the way in which your eyebrows danced with the question.

"you'll love it," adeline assured, swiftly exiting the room and leaving you to bounce on your feet.

ellie managed to scoot her way closer to your side, leaning into you as she spoke. "what are you-"

"don't you love it?" adeline expressed confidently, holding up a long, flowing piece of fabric.

except, it wasn't just a piece of fabric anymore. adeline had worked it into a skirt for you, and your eyes widened in adoration.

"addie!" you squealed, rushing forward and hugging the material against your chest. ellie's presence was momentarily forgotten, nearly, until you spun around and held up the skirt to her.

"don't you love it?" you gushed, and ellie looked robotic in the way that she bobbed her head.

you examined the fabric closer. the faded, dainty floral pattern covering the skirt was more than you could've hoped for.

"i love it," you breathed, looking to adeline with wet eyes. if ellie didn't feel so uncomfortable, she probably would've snickered at you. "truly, thank you so much. this is beautiful," you admired.

"please," adeline waved a hand. "it keeps me busy. and you," she faced ellie, singling her out. "i don't know what that man does all day to put those godforsaken shoes in such a horrible shape."

ellie looked dumbfounded, and this time you didn't shy away from releasing your giggles.

"joel's boots are by the door," adeline sighed.

"right. thank you," ellie responded, moving to collect them as quickly as she could.

you bid farewell to adeline, expressing your gratitude about five more times until she all but pushed you out of the door. lovingly, of course.

ellie begrudgingly carried the boots as you twirled and skipped and admired your new article of clothing.

"we gotta go out now, do something special," you joked.

"yeah? what's the occasion?"

a quick glare shaped ellie up quickly.

"don't you think it's pretty?" you asked, desperate for a compliment despite the fact that you weren't even wearing it yet.

"i do," ellie agreed, quick to please you. "it's perfect for you."

"it is, isn't it?" maybe you really were in a good mood today. a real one. "what about dina and jesse?"

"what about them?" ellie mused, watching as you held the skirt carefully in your hands, not allowing it to drape on the ground.

"off?" you questioned thoughtfully, wrinkling your nose in ellie's direction.

ellie shook her head.

"really?"

"really. dina and jesse are back on. as of... yesterday?" ellie contemplated.

"wow, news travels slow i guess," you joked, causing ellie to nudge your arm.

"don't worry, they'll be broken up again before we know it. it's no use even keeping track anymore."

"ellie! that's mean," you laughed, shaking your head.

ellie felt a little guilty for teasing behind their backs but really, it was getting ridiculous. besides, the sound of your laughter eased the guilt pretty damn quick.

"come back with me," ellie changed the subject.

you faltered, nearly tripping over your own foot. "what?"

"to mine," ellie clarified. "give joel his-" she swung the boots at you, acting as if she was going to throw them. "-disgusting old new shoes."

your heart skipped a beat from the invitation and you had already known that you were going to say yes. ellie could have invited you to help her clean out shimmer's stall and you would've said yes without hesitation. speaking from experience, just once or twice...

"sure," you grinned.

if you went with ellie, you would probably spend hours listening to her as she went through her comic collection again. and then you would probably end up falling asleep. and then you would probably stay the night. you would share the bed, normal, and get a sick feeling in your stomach whenever her leg accidentally grazed your own, not normal.

determined to cling onto the feeling of a good day, you swallowed down the not normal feelings, as you usually did.

ellie looked at you and smiled, like genuinely grinned, and your fingertips went numb.

"last one there cleans shimmer after patrol," ellie taunted, the reason behind her smile no longer feeling pure.

"what?" you laughed in disbelief, just before ellie took off.

"ellie!" you shouted, fumbling to quickly catch up to her. "ellie williams! i don't even do patrol!"

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"-this one's my favorite though. i mean, look at the cover. isn't it sick?"

ellie shoved the worn comic book in your direction, causing you to blink and raise your head to get a better look.

"it is really cool," you murmured. you knew it was her favorite issue, and you already knew what the cover looked like. still, you loved to hear her talk.

ellie sat up, peering at you. you were laying on your stomach, cheek buried in the blankets of ellie's bed.

"you're just agreeing with me," ellie grumbled, suddenly twinging with annoyance at the way your tank top strap was sliding down your shoulder.

"i'm agreeing with you because i agree," you huffed, wrinkling your nose at her.

ellie placed a firm hand on your hip, shoving you to the side.

"ellie!" you exclaimed, rubbing your eyes in an attempt to wipe the sleep from your system.

"scoot over," ellie instructed, pulling up the blankets.

"hm?" you questioned while you obliged anyway. you wanted to sleep over, to stay with your best friend for as long as possible but you didn't want to be a bother.

"you're sleeping over, aren't you?" ellie acknowledged, holding the covers up for you. the room was dark but lit lightly from the window. ellie prayed that you couldn't see the way in which she held her breath.

you adjusted your body, looking curiously at ellie. "do you mind?"

ellie shook her head, patting the spot next to her. "'course not."

that was all the confirmation that you needed. you slid your body under the blankets, next to ellie but mindful of the distance between yourselves. if you adjusted again you would be touching, so you stayed still and didn't move.

it was quiet, and you couldn't tell if it was awkward or comforting. maybe a little of both, and that was okay.

"are you tired?" you questioned, turning on your side to face ellie.

ellie copied, turning to face you and scanning your features in the dark. "yeah. is that okay?"

"yeah," you whispered. "do you have patrol tomorrow again?"

ellie nodded, and then realized you might not be able to see her. "yeah. with dina. but don't worry about leaving early, okay?"

you sighed, allowing your body to sink further into the bedding.

sleep was enveloping you quicker than expected, but it didn't surprise you based on how comforting you find it to be in ellie's presence. you were nearly off, until ellie's voice broke the silence and threw you out of your sleepy trance.

"it is pretty," she whispered.

"what?"

"your new skirt," ellie replied softly, earning a sleepy grin from you.

you muttered a quiet thank you, cheeks burning and mind whirling. you wanted to say more, but you could tell that ellie was already falling asleep and you didn't want to deprive her of it.

she was so honest, so sweet sometimes. you forced your eyes open, studying the girl sleeping next to you. it made your eyebrows furrow, the way your heart pounded when ellie was this close.

shit.

turning away, you shut your eyes again and willed sleep to come.

it must've, at some point, because before you knew it the sun was causing you to blink awake and you were stretching in an empty bed. the absence never failed to make your stomach drop, even though you already knew where ellie was.

laying alone in your best friend's bed made you feel a certain level of pathetic that was almost unknown.

you could've waited around until she got back, but you forced yourself up and away.

you would see ellie again later anyway, so it was better to have some space to yourself for awhile.

it wasn't anything that you could really make sense of, you just needed to clear your head before ellie was back consuming nearly all of your senses.

it wasn't a big deal, you would tell yourself over and over.

over and over until it felt true.

#ellie williams x reader

448 notes · View notes