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i always wanted to send you a letter, but only to tell you how unlovable you made me feel. i’m still trying to shake off this feeling years later.
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Being in love with depression
“I’m sad” “I don’t feel anything” “I could kill my self right now” “I just dont feel like it” “why me” “my life is so shitty”
Sounds familiar? I think i’ve said those phrases about too many times to count, and I could say its my depression that is telling me this but i’ve came to far with this mental disorder that i have learned to embody this monster I can call home. Growing up i’ve always been a pretty sad kid, and also very emotional with constant let downs, always wanting what i can’t have, comparing my self to others, and crying when I should be happy. I call depression a home because once you become familiar with depression you kinda gradually move in with it or vise versa. I found comfort in my own pool of sadness, its a familiar routine you get used to and you kinda learn to love it? Why feel any emotion when the emotions can hit you ten times better. Its like a hot stove, when you touch it you immediately respond with backing away and disliking the feeling but then we touch it again, and again and again. Our brains can’t help it. In this home of depression, I wake up and I dispise that i’m awake but there likes level of depression as it progresses in us. You feel emotions intensely, about nothing makes you happy and then you ease your self into the lovely feeling of numbness. Absolutely nothing will make you feel alright, life gets slapped with a black and white filter with possibly the most saddest song in the background playing on repeat. Being depressed often leads me to suicidal thoughts and to feel like you truly want to just disappear into thin air is a very agony feeling in its self. You’re suffering and thats that. My whole chest gets tight and theres this dark void in me that gets bigger and bigger and its so inviting and mesmerising, whispering “come and join me” and its not that I want to but it feels as if thats all I got that can be exciting. Yes death. When I was severely suicidal death was inviting I no longer feared the what if, I did things as if death is on my side. But thats just my depression in me trying to win this battle of life. Its shitty but I truly hate to admit that I have became in aw with my sadness. Its there to remind me that I am a peice of shit and my life truly does suck. Its almost a selfish feeling when we remind our selves how sad and how bad we got it, its like being narcissistic but in a very gloomy way. No matter what is told, or what we got were going to make it all about our selves although we cant stand looking in the mirror. When my depression is making a famous apperance I cant bear to even get up and turn the faucet on and scrub my hair, let alone brush my teeth twice a day…its nasty but im being honest. My room has half eaten plates, and dirty clothes piling up in the corner. My hobbies are abandon and I play sweet sweet songs to numb the pain. Like let me listen to some one singing about how lonely they are because im so accostumed to this depressive lifestyle. It truly fucks me up in the worst ways. Sweat pants, stained hoodie and a bowl of mariuajna that will probably give me an anxiety attack but of course it doesnt matter because I feel like constant sadness anyways. the feeling of nostalgia is another form of sadness i undertake, something about reminising about my past and reminding my self of the good times feel good. Its like a subtle reminder that life can be like that, but how good can it get with out my depression coming into to sabotage everything good? The thing is we need sadness to survive, do we need sadness 365 days a year? No no no, but coming out of depressive episodes i’ve learned that I would have never reached out to certain loved ones and acknowledge that their love is good for my soul, I would’t have learned how I enjoy to treat my self because when im in relationships for example and they say something that hurts me I know then that I can’t stand certain behavior because I’ll be led to sadness. Its truly teaches us what can hurt and upset us. We have to learn to embrass when we feel these emotions of sadness, theres nothing to be ashamed of when were sad. Its a natural emotion. Along with depression, if we are depressed so be it but dont stay there too long. I go back to saying how sadness is such a powerful feeling because we have a literal mental disorder relating to it. We feed our depression when we sit there and sulk, but if we just got up while were sulking and remind our selves with the little things like a sunset or messaging a friend and letting some one know whats on your mind I promise you life goes on. Like i’ve been told “treat your mind like a bad neighborhood, never go there alone and bring some one with you.”
Being in love with depression
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early recovery or funkie junkie?
Nothing like being a flow blown funkie junkie, i say funkie junkie because a former friend from rehab always referred to him self as one and if im going to say im an addict I should make it fun right? Hard to admit but ever since I got sober I crave not only the high but the over bearing feeling of sitting in my own pool of sadness, the feeling was comforting, it assured my self that i am human and that i can feel. But im suddenly okay when im sober, but its like i have an angel and a devil on my shoulders making an amends to never haunt me again. I love to get fucking high, everything is okay when im high. Its sweet to me, but you know when you choose to listen to a sad song when youre actually depressed as hell and all those feelings just arise to the table but its all okay because the song is bringing comfort to you? That’s how i feel when i take that first hit. I go through waves with my feelings towards drugs, its always i fucking hate what you done, what you do and what you are to me but when im in active addiction its like for that moment you’re are what ive been missing my whole life. Ive heard this from numerous addicts that all their life they felt different from others and that drugs made them feel whole; kinda like what nic sheff mentions in his book tweak, once he used it was like a life instruction manual was handed to him. I mean makes sense why we got narcotics anonymous for us so we dont feel so alone functioning around total normal people who can just stop at one drink. I just recently got clean, i think im on day 36 or something but man i cant help but to acknowledge how much of a funkie junkie i am, i find my self reading books on recovery and i read about their shooting up days, or how they would do “goofballs” (a term where you mix heroin and meth) and im like fuck, why didnt i do that before i came here and got clean? I stopped my self before i got to the point i was shoving needles up me but a part of me fantasizes about it. How shitty? Normal people fantasize about being in love and owning nice cars…I would hope and i’m over here thinking about the drugs I should have mixed. I mean for all I know i’m a recovering sober addict for the rest of my life and I chose to get rid of all the lovely lovely feelings that drugs give us at the age of twenty two. Im thankful dont get me wrong but as im still in my early recovery this is the things that no one has actually told me. I been told i’ll have cravings, yadadada but I crave chaos! chaos in my mind, within my life and now I sit on the feeling of empty peace? Waiting for something to erupt in front of me so im stimulated. I am so powerless over drugs its actually hilarious, I was going through my old make up and i found a rolled up ball of tinfoil…of course i opened up just to trigger my self some more; i wouldnt even know if it is a trigger to me more of a feeling of comfort because I know my drugs better then i know my self. Anyways I saw like half a smoked up pill. Addict me woulda been so relieved to find that, only to know i wouldnt be sick as fuck laying in bed going through withdraws, but present recovered me negotiated in my brain. Like the angel and devil on my shoulders whispering back and forth on if this would be a truly good idea for my self. The thing is though, it would be an amazing idea, I would feel comforted and warm after not doing the deed for 36 days but then I would be throwing away something I worked so hard for. Its crazy how powerless we are over our drug of choice, and how simplistic it is to just say “fuck it” and how good my brain is to overide the negatives just so I can see what I want and to feel what I want. Us addicts are selfish as fuck, and you cannot argue it. I am clean for my self, but I truly am clean so I dont disappoint those around me, I fear when people are upset at me. If I was the only person on earth I simply wouldn’t care. Well actually, I did get clean because I do care for my self and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired but I question my self daily if that matters. I dont care about my self when im in active addiction, I put drugs before my self, family, friends, and my own life and Im still slowly learning how to make my self a priority. The world out here is still the same and the only thing that truly changes is me. Change is scary, I found comfort in my routine of getting drugs, doing drugs and repeating that herendous cycle. In that moment I just knew everything will be okay if I didnt think about it. But with change happening within me I dont know. I know who I want to be but will I ever achieve my self to that greatness knowing that I have this morbid monster living in my chaotic brain? I don’t have an answer and I do not need an answer for that. I just have to take one day at a time. So just for today I did fantasize about certain drugs I wish I tried but did I go try it? No I simply just wrote this messy story. I got sober and I am still the person I was using asside from the malisious behaviors that come with being in active addiction. I just am not as sick as I was. I have hopes and dreams that I can finally see and i’m not as caught up in who I am because im not feeding my selfish ways. But im in early recovery and i’m yet learning what it is to be apart of this “life”.
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