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falteringfaith · 3 years

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Dear PGY2 Sara,

It’s the night before your first *clinical* day of work as a PGY1, and you’re sitting in your new place, watching Never Have I Ever, drinking a glass of rose.. your first night living alone.

A time full of firsts, and yet many things have stayed the same. It’s interesting, actually, how on the outside, things can remain the same - same city, same friends, same hobbies - yet internally, it feels like everything is shifting under my feet. A new place to live. A new roommate (ie, none). A new job. How to juggle the new and the old? A question as old as time.

You’ve worked really hard to be here. You’ve worked really fucking hard, and yet you still struggle feeling like you weren’t meant to be here, like you’re not smart or good enough. You are all of those things, and more.

Things I wish for you, PGY2 Sara:

1. I hope that you never lose your enthusiasm for learning and for medicine. As Dr. Samaan said on your first ever clinical experience on peds endo as a Post-MF4, “I’ve never met someone so excitable”. Stay excitable, Sara. It’s one of your most redeeming qualities, as far as I’m concerned.

2. Do nice things when no one is watching. Treat your patients like you would want your family to be treated if they had the misfortune of being in the hospital. Remember that frustration and concern directed at you is not meant for you. You choose how you internalize the way people tak to you.

3. I wish for you to achieve confidence in yourself, as a whole person. I hope living by yourself leads you to discover things about yourself you didn’t ever know, that it opens up a door to self reflection and self awareness. Stop looking to others for validation. A preceptor’s comment, a stranger’s compliment, whatever it is... It’s nice, but it isn’t central to who you are.

4. I want you to develop confidence in your decision. At the current moment that I’m writing this, I still feel unsure about my decision to rank waterloo first. I feel that the decision was somewhat rash, that maybe I didn’t think about what exactly would fulfill my heart the most. I know I should be happy that I got my first choice, but shouldn’t I be even happier? Tomorrow, you start at KW. I hope you find a home there, and that it nurtures your growth as a future pediatrician more than you could ever hope. Don’t let anything make you believe you can’t do whatever you want to do, whether it be community pediatrics or a fellowship. You are strong, and you are capable.

5. I hope you find a good way to balance your personal life and your work life. That you form positive connections with co residents and nurses, and that you don’t feel like you have to put on a face or act a certain way.

WELLNESS TIPS YOUVE LEARNED:

1. You are very, very in to nice scents. Your diffuser, candles, simmering stuff on the stove, whatever it is. Something about it is just so comforting.

2. GO TO THE THING EVEN IF YOU DONT FEEL LIKE GOING TO THE THING. YOU LITERALLY NEVER REGRET IT.

3. You prefer to work out in the morning, so make it happen when you can.

4. The power of a good, long walk should not be ignored.

5. Call a friend.

6. Clean the space around you and take a long shower. 9 times out of 10 it’ll make you feel great.

7. GET THE DAMN ICED COFFEE IF YOU WANT THE DAMN ICED COFFEE.

You’re going to do amazing, Sara. You are so loved and supported. You will never do this alone. You will also never know it all, but that’s not the point. The magic is in the learning, and there is plenty of learning to be done. You and I are in this together kid :)

With all the love, support, excitement... and nervousness in the world,

Sara.

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falteringfaith · 4 years

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Dear Match Day Sara

Hi future Sara! Past Sara speaking.

A few days ago, I submitted CaRMS. Right now, I am extremely eager about what lays ahead of me, but I am also so, so scared. I’m scared because I dont know what lays ahead of me. Just thinking about the unknown, I start to feel a squeeze in my chest and the back of my eyes start burning. I tell myself to breathe, to take things one day at a time, that I deserve the best. I don’t know and cannot predict what the next weeks and months will hold - the highs, lows, and embarassing in betweens. But I do know the following will be true for you, Sara, on 04/20:

1. You may be disappointed, but you are not a disappointment. Do not think about what others will think or expect of you - this is your life. You are only responsible for yourself and your own happiness. You do not owe anything to anyone else and wherever you go for whatever you do, you will excel. Nothing you have ever done in your life has been a disappointment. Think about how you have excelled as a learner throughout your life - including throughout clerkship. Think about the tears you got in your eyes on the last day of psych when Karen, the CL Psych nurse at HGH told you that you are a star. Think about how you felt standing outside of the Tims at Oakville with Dr. Andrighetti as she told you that she wanted to spend her roll up the rim coupon on you because she liked you. Think about the feeling when Felipe told you that Megan said that Dr Dowhaniuk said (lmao) that you and Marissa were the best medical students she EVER had. Think about that and remember - you are fucking awesome.

2. Many of the scariest, most unsettling things in your life have led to the most beautiful, wonderful moments. You didn’t know anyone going to Hamilton, you hardly had a roommate said, and yet you made a beautiful, fulfilling, exciting life for yourself (so much so that you dont even want to leave). Remember that - being scared allows room for growth. Its okay to be scared. Its okay.

3. The people who love you, will love you, whether you are 5 minutes or 5 provinces away. If they don’t still love you, they probably never really did. D

4. Don’t cling on to things that no longer serve you. People, places, relationships. You are allowed to move on. You are allowed to be sad when it feels like it wasnt your choice. Don’t be resentful of people or decisions that were out of your control - everyone is doing what is best for them.

5. Wherever you go, you’re going to be a fucking rockstar. You are smart, you are kind, you are beautiful and funny and confident and a leader and an advocate. Patients will be lucky to have you fighting for them with your whole heart. You will excel in whatever environment you are put in.

6. I wish for you a happy and fulfilling residency - one that pushes you in ways you didn’t know possible, and that provides you with warmth, support and guidance. You can do this anywhere.

Dear Future Sara,

I cannot believe how far you have come. High school you would hardly recognize the brilliant young woman you are - hard working, affable, self-aware, witty, quick-thinking, a leader, advocate, ... the list goes on. You never imagined getting into health sci, then med school, now this... Its just the next step on your journey.

Please know that whatever happens in the next few months, I am so, so so proud of you, always. I’ve always got you. We don’t need anybody else, we have each other.

Now go fuck this shit up.

With all the love in the world,

Sara (02/10/2021) PS. This was written after coming home from an Emerg shift in Brantford (your 5th) with kinda a quirky doc. You’re 20 minutes away from writing your last ever PPI of medical school. Oh, how time flies. A year ago you remember driving home with Felipe from his last PPI blasting amen on his car radio. How things change.....

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falteringfaith · 4 years

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2021 Intentions

Or intentions for the decade, who knows really.

1. Think clearly. Live purposefully.

To Do: - Meditate 5 times a week. (10% happier app counts, no matter how long!) - Be mindful of saying ‘like’ and ‘whatever’! Reduce this. - Improve your communication - be honest about what you feel when you feel it. Don’t play games. Become a better storyteller. (record moments you’d like to remember) - Learn to manage your emotions better. (remember - its often not personal. What is the story you are telling yourself? What is the real story?) - If it takes less than 5 minutes to do, do it right away!!!!!!!! - Clear the clutter. Unsubscribe from wack email lists and keep notifications to a minimum! Stop hoarding things!

To Be: - honest - brave - vulnerable - focused - disciplined - organized

2. Be comfortable & committed

To Do: - Be confident. Say 1 affirmation while brushing your teeth (morning & night) - Invest in your close friendships: Continue to schedule monthly hangout sessions with friends. Reach out to 1 friend a week to ask them how they are doing.

To Be: - confident - organized - taking initiative

3. Commit to growth.

To Do: - Read 12 books in 12 months: try to ensure you’re reading books from a diverse set of authors. - Learn Spanish: practice with Felipe. Use duolingo. Watch spanish shows. - Become more financially literate. - Learn more about philosophy & history: Philosophize this, Revisionist history, History of Yugoslavia

To Be: - disciplined - inquisitive - resourceful (with when/where you can practice, listen, etc)

4. Health & Wellness To Do: - continue to make fitness a habit - work out 5x a week. - take probiotic, vitamin D and omega 3 every day: consider getting liquid versions to increase compliance? - make an effort to eat more mindfully/intuitively - stop binging/eating out of boredom. Consider using drinks as a substitute. - learn the splits! stretch every day :D

To Be: - disciplined - creative - mindful

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falteringfaith · 4 years

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20 things I learned in 2020

1. The only certainty in life is uncertainty.

This is obviously true in the case of, you know, a global pandemic, but even moreso is the way this permeates every aspects of our life on earth. Fundamentally, nothing in certain. No time has ever been ‘precedented’. This year was a reminder of that, but so was clerkship in general. Every month, every new rotation forced me to confront the difficulties I had managing uncertainty. As a person who needs to know EVERYTHING at all times, I was forced to accept that I simple could not know it all in these clinical scenarios. This doesn’t mean it made it any easier to deal with - I still get pretty anxious the night before a new rotation, but I certainly deal with it easier than before.

2. Ask for help.

Ask and so you shall receive! Why stumble around the hospital by yourself, sweating anxiously and checking your watch nervously as the minutes tick by closer to when you’re supposed to be at X or Y destination, when you can ask someone who is (in my experience - literally always) willing to help? Now, I stride in and ask the first person I see where I can find what I am looking for. People want to help - you just need to ask. Whether its for finding something or letting someone you can confide in know that you’re struggling - ask.

3. You are what you do every day.

Aristotle said it best, so I won’t mince his words. What we spend our time doing each day reflects what is valuable and important to us. This year, for the first time in my life, I began to work out for myself and made it a habit. I wasn’t doing it to lose weight, to participate on a team, or for any other reason than for me. I noticed myself get stronger, happier, feel better. I made it a habit to the point where when I don’t do it, I feel off. I didn’t think this was something that was possible for me - rather, that I was destined to a life of just not being an exercise person. But here’s the thing - everyone is and can be an exercise person. You just have to be doing it for the right reasons - for wanting to move your body in a meaningful way each day because thats what makes it feel right. I hope to come to love my body and all it does for me in the coming years. I would lie to say that I love and am truly accepting of it right now, because I know I am not. But I do know that I am treating it a whole lot better than I ever have before.

4. Be vulnerable/STOP PEOPLE PLEASING

Holy fuck --- this !!!!!!!! You do not need to have it all figured out. You do not need to pretend that you are unphased by things or that you are the ~chill~ girl. This does not benefit anyone, and it certainly does not benefit yourself. People want honesty. They want to know how you’re feeling. All you do by shutting that away is harbor negativity and resentment that end up exploding later. I was taught to hide these emotions growing up for whatever reason - shame, embarrassment, whatever - but I will stop doing this. You cannot begin to unpack the why of how you are feeling, and try to achieve more, if you don’t do this. You should be open and raw - tell people why you love them (like when you messaged people you felt grateful for over twitter and facebook last summer) or why you felt badly about things (like you did in your relationship). You deserve to be heard.

5. Take a walk.

The power of going for a walk to clear your headspace and give you time away was truly found this year. Nature is grounding. Fresh air feels like it lifts the weight off your chest. Spend time outdoors - don’t feel badly if you cant - and breathe deeply. Feel the earth against your feet as you propel forward and deal with emotions. Whether it was 5 minutes between virtual clinics or 5 hours walking around when you were upset and in an argument with Felipe, taking a walk was the answer.

6. People like people that they like.

This year, in clerkship, I learned that it is not always important to be the smartest or wisest or wittiest. You dont even have to be smart, wise or witty. You just have to be trying, responsible, likable. A good team player. On most days, being just me, at my baseline, was more than enough. I think this year I realized that I am likeable (or affable) as one of my strengths. It was the CL psych nurses (Karen telling me “you are a star” on my last day and making me tear up on my walk down the hill back to my car parked on Strachlan), or it was the R3 on gen surg (”you have a good energy”) or whoever else. Not necessarily things or fields I knew the most about, but just who I am. And that was nice to hear. Stop the imposter syndrome - you are enough.

7. Non-fiction books can be enjoyable.

Fiction is still better, but there is lots to be learned in a good non fiction.

8. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

You bawled your eyes out on your birthday morning, at Felipe’s house on James. You sat on the balcony and couldn’t control all the tears that wanted to come out. It was blackout tuesday, and where was the validation that your year MEANT something if it wasn’t shown via birthday posts on instagram? More than this, people ARE DYING IN A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, SARA. And even moreso than that, you were flooded with, dare I say, WHITE GUILT that this was the way you were feeling in the midst of pronounced racial, civil unrest. For the first time, I think you were really confronted - every day, for weeks - with the fact that you were white. You knew this before, of course, but this was blaring at you from every angle, even on your fucking birthday. And here’s the thing - things will never go bac to the way they were, when you were afforded the privilege of being blissfully ignorant and unaware of your race. When it wasn’t something you had to think about, at all, because you were obviously part of the majority and benefiting from your race in innumerable ways each and every day. We’re not going back there. The only way forward is through. Get over your guilt, we’ve got shit to do.

9. External vs. Internal validation

I think this year you really realized how much you depend on external validation to feel valued and confident. I wish for you to see in the coming years how much more you are than just what people tell you. You are bold, brilliant, confident, clever and strong because you are - not because others tell you so.

10. Recognizing my emotional dysregulation

This year, I became a lot more aware of the fact that I emotionally dysregulate and have extreme tempers or profound sadness with a baseline of general bubbly/contentment/joy. Now, it’s going to be all about managing it...

11. Envy/comparison is a thief of joy.

12. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

I am proud of all the ways in which you put yourself out there this year and applied to things. You got rejected - a lot. Whether it was awards and scholarships (OMA ambassador, all the general scholarships through MacMed) or leadership opportunities (where to begin? OMSA day of action lead or even being part of the OMSA day of action), or the million times you vowed that you would not apply for Ontario Regional Director. There were so many times that week you wanted to quit - to not write a script, to not attend a zoom session, to pull out even when you just saw the competition - but you didn’t. You learned a lot, you practiced giving a zoom speech, and you chatted with some interesting people. You lost the election, but you personally did not lose anything. While at that time it was a tough pill to swallow, here you are. Now you have more time to dedicate to your YWCA partnership, and isn’t that a beautiful thing after all?

13. Stop putting things off - do them right away!

Still working on it lol.

14. Popcorn

15. Being a good friend/girlfriend/daughter is a skill.

Noone ever tells you, I feel, that having strong, close relationships is hard work. You can’t just sit idly by. You also can’t expect that giving a gift or saying some nice words is enough. Especially in a year of social distancing - you had to get creative. Face times, flowers delivered, watching netflix simultaneously on the extension with Felipe (money heist anyone?), zoom hang outs, picnics at Oakville lakeshore, scheduling monthly hang outs with Sharon.. relationships are about making the time and investing into it like you would with anything else. You don’t necessarily have to be doing fancy things like this either - but emotional intimacy is important and necessary, too.

16. If you’re not doing it because you love it, it won’t give you any contentment.

All the extracurriculars in the world don’t matter if they dont make you tick.

17. The opportunity for learning/gratitude is everywhere.

Whether its from patients sitting right in front of you (listen to them, always), podcasts, or anywhere else. There are opportunities to learn all around you. Likewise, there are always, ALWAYS things to be grateful for. Take a moment to pause and think about what you learned or are grateful for in a day. There is always something.

18. You’re actually really good at procedures.

Why did you think you weren’t? Were you indoctrinated to believe that only men were good with their hands? Regardless... don’t be nervous. You’re good at them!

19. Routine, good nights of sleep are not overrated. Not at all.

20. Residents are the unsung heroes of the medical student experience. They make or break a rotation, and influence it more than any other factor. Future Sara you better be a fucking good resident to your med students.

Honourable mention goes to this awesome moment this year that I almost forgot happened, but thankfully tweeted about - “No better way to spend International Women’s Day than on the Labour & Delivery floor witnessing the strength, power & tenacity of mama’s in labour! First delivery of the day - unmedicated () with a beautiful baby girl joining the world!”

Another honourable mention to coming together with a fun crew to create COVIDreview, which unexpectedly got lots of media attention and praise but, most of all, was a fun way to get to know people in my class that I didn’t normally speak to.

On other notes, I will cherish the fact that I got to spend 3 months in my parents home with them for the first time in many, many years. We watched movies, did yoga, baked (a LOT), and went for many, many, repetitive walks. I love them more than words can describe and cannot imagine a life without my parents (and my brother). My family is everything.

I am also very appreciate to be in a relationship with Felipe that is constantly pushing me to be better and to recognize things about myself I didn’t know (or didn’t want to know). These things sometimes upset me, but ultimately I recognize they are important for my growth and leading me into becoming more of who I want to be. I am learning so much about myself, what I need and want in a partner, and how to communicate more effectively to convey these things (versus not communicating this at all in the past). Things aren’t always easy but I cherish the moments that happened this year (starting the year off travelling Arizona with him, meeting his sister/niece/nephew, him meeting my family, coming to Blue Mountain, going on an impromptu trip to Niagara, all the biking expeditions, going to Stratford for his birthday!!). I also must (MUST!!!!!) stop comparing my relationships to others.

Overall, I find it ironic that the year marked by a GLOBAL PANDEMIC is the year where I was finally forced to stop, pause, and prioritize my health. My physical health, in building a habit for fitness that finally stuck, my emotional health in learning to recognize what I want in relationships and *starting* to ask for it/be vulnerable, and my mental health in taking the time for sleep, walks, and meditation (sometimes more than others). Lets continue to take these lessons into 2021.

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falteringfaith · 4 years

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clerkship reflections

Approximately two weeks ago marked one year that I have been in clerkship.

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falteringfaith · 4 years

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COVID Crisis

I can’t summarize the last 6 weeks of life, so I’m not going to try to. The mixture of emotions, events and information is more than I can begin to grasp at one point in time. Instead, I’ll tell you how I feel right now.

Sad. Upset. Almost, devastated. But the problem is, & the thing that is so god damn annoying about it, is that I have no idea why I feel this way.

Sure, there are plenty of reasons. One, the entire world is currently at a standstill. Two, I have no idea what my future is going to look like. Three, I’m perpetually stressed about my parents and my brother.

I actually am so distressed right now I cant even continue this statement. I’m going to go try and meditate. To be continued!

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falteringfaith · 5 years

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i dont even wanna give an update on my life, i just want to rant. you know those days, or weeks, you just feel like nothing is going your way? and you dont even know who to tell or what to say if you do decide to tell someone because you just feel like one big nuisance. and you know youre not but theres this sadness deep inside of your chest, like its right in the middle deep in the tissue and you cant crack it open or reach inside no matter how hard you try. and you hate yourself for being so needy and for wanting someone to give you attention and validation and love and to coddle you and tell you that itll be better. but you also know that youre supposed to give yourself those things, and noone else can give them to you. so you just kind of suck it up but then it feels like its eating away at your insides, like theres nothing else you can do or so or talk about thatll distract u from this gnawing deep sensation that you have. and you wonder if youre even mentally stable or WHAT MORE DO I NEED IN my liFE TO feEL BETTER? what more can i possibly do?!!?!?!?! and i just feel so LOST like where is this passion that everyone else feels for everything in their life????????? passion for a field of medicine, passion in love, passion in friendships??? i just feel like im so shit at EVERYTHING like im bad at being a friend, im bad at being a girlfriend, im not even this amazing student i thought i was. at what point am i supposed to have my shit together? and why am i like this? why does literally doing the smallest thing give me such anxiety. i feel like i wanna talk to a counsellor or therapist but where do you even find one? what do you say? how do you do that? i feel like my whole body is stiff and saturated with this inability to move or speak or do anything

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falteringfaith · 6 years

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May 19, 2018

Hi past, present, and future Sara,

I haven’t written here in over two years. In the past two years, things have happened to me that I could not have scripted or imagined. In no small terms do I really mean that my dreams have come true.

And not the dreams that I thought I had two years ago, either. Dreams that were not yet realized even in my own head. Dreams that only came about as I worked, cried, and tore myself up, time and time again.

The last time I posted here, it was for my inquiry class. It was before I did orgo, before Stefan went to Grenada, or I lived at 64, or any of second year... before my MCAT, applying to medical school, losing some friends and making stronger friendships with others. The last time I posted here, I was finished my first year of my undergrad. Little did I know that I’d be sitting here, the day of the Royal Wedding (s/o my GIRRRRRL meghan markle i knew youd be a star from the moment i watched suits u beautiful woman u), in my living room, a BHSc grad. On my way to medical school at McMaster University in September. My wildest dreams, realized. Lol. Dr. Sara Markovic... I like the sound of that :)

Anyway, I thought that since I haven’t written here in years, and since I started this when I was 15, almost 6 years and over half a decade ago... I would write about 5 things (since Im turning 21 in a few weeks) that I have learned in the past few years - I truly think theyve been the most transformative I’ve ever had in my life.

1. Let those who do not contribute to your own self-improvement, leave you.

2. A friendship, relationship, anything... It’s a two way street. If you are putting more energy in than your counterpart consistently, it’s time to move on.

3. Time is money. But time is also an investment. Invest your time into things that contribute to your own betterment, even if they are hard to deal with now.

4. No one will think you’re X, if you don’t think it yourself, first. Fill in X with beautiful, confident, smart, WORTHY. You have to believe it. You have to believe in yourself. And this is hard, and annoying, and

5. Other’s approval is nice, but it isn’t everything.

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falteringfaith · 8 years

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April 8, 2016

Your last day of classes in first year university. So, in essence, your last day of first year. It went by faster than you expected, better than you hoped and not quite as painlessly as you had dreamed. So in honor of the 8 months of school, here are 8 things you learned this year.

1. I’m not going to lie - there were some groups that I was put in where I was very unsure of the other individuals. I compared my group to other groups - how come I didn’t have someone with their own research lab? Why did my group have all the quiet people? Why didn’t I get put with so-and-so? But here is what I found. PEOPLE WILL SURPRISE YOU. These very groups are the ones where I ended up the closest with others and had the strongest bonds with my group mates. Everyone has different strengths, everyone shines in different areas. Learning how to play to the strengths and weaknesses of others is what makes a great team. It goes beyond group work as well. Never make pre-determined assumptions about someone based off of your view of them in passing, or that one time you heard your best friend’s neighbors housemate say something awful. Give everyone a chance and you might just end up with a best friend.

2. The best advice I’ve ever been given is that no one else knows quite what they are doing either. It is okay not to be okay. You are not alone either, even though you may feel like you are. Your feelings, thoughts, and actions are justified. It is enough for you to do your best every day and get one stop closer to where you want to be. You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going or what you’re doing either, but you do have to keep moving forward.

3. Do your own thing! People will try and convince you of all sorts of things. Don’t take that course, take this course. Why are you taking ____, take math and physics! Don’t join this club, do this extracurricular. Know who you are, where your interests lie, and what you want to do. No one knows whats better for you, than you. It may seem difficult, and it may seem tempting to follow what everyone else is doing or do what the “smart kids” are saying, but that will only cause you hardships in the future.

4. Say yes! SO many great memories and experiences have come out of simply saying yes. Indeed, it is easier to say no and go back to your room, snuggle up under the covers and watch movies, but although that is very relaxing it doesn’t give you a new experience, teach you anything monumental or help you meet new people. Saying yes this year has resulted in so many fond memories, awesome friendships and funny photos. There is a time and a place to say no, obviously know when which is appropriate, but if you’re saying no just so you can nap for 4 hours instead, try reconsidering.

5. Talking helps. This goes for talking out problems with friends, talking about your feelings with your parents, talking with your group members in the form of feedback, and talking to your best friend when you need support. Talking to others gives you a better understanding of those you have relationships with and allows both of you to improve and grow, together.

6. The compare game is a dangerous one. Coming from high school, as a bright and highly motivated individual, top of your class, running several extra curriculars, participating in a few sports teams, recognized as a friendly face to nearly all students and BFF’s with the office staff, you may or may not come into university feeling on top of the world and tempted to keep this facade of having it all together. News flash - you don’t, you won’t, and you can’t expect to. But you’ll try, and as a result you’ll start comparing yourself to those around you. Used to being the smartest, funniest, most athletic and most involved you’ll look around and see that there is always someone smarter, someone funnier, someone more athletic and someone more involved. You will start to play the compare game. This game is dangerous, and no one every wins. You constantly compare yourself to others, and it’s like running a race that never ends, a race that no one else is running in except you. You have to look to others for motivation and for inspiration. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, different backgrounds and situations. Everyone is an individual. It’s not as easy as comparing A to B.

7. Running through a netflix marathon is not the same as running on the treadmill. Hit the gym. Self-explanatory.

8. Strive for progress, not perfection. Once again, self-explanatory. Be the best that you can be and that is more than enough.

I love you, keep at it. - Sara

PS. “I am thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn’t have stumbled upon my strength”

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falteringfaith · 9 years

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First Week Of Uni - Check!

Sara, you sure do have a terrible habit of leaving these things unfinished and unchecked. This would be a much more profound recollection of your life if you were more consistent and diligent with its upkeep but alas, we’ll have to resort to whatever this is.

Welcome Sara. Lets do a quick recap on the past couple of months in your life... June - Your birthday was AMAZING. You are surrounded by so many people who love you so dearly it could make your heart implode. You woke up and walked out the front door to see your mom strung “happy 18th birthday” to the eaves of your house. Your day only went uphill from there. Your brother bought you a teddy bear and a cupcake and balloons and had it wait for you when you were home. Sandra bought you cupcakes and a balloon. Your life is so filled with happiness, may the people who bring it to you always stay close to your heart. PROM WAS SO FIRE ;) it exceeded all your expectations and more. it was a wonderful night and a wonderful after prom ;);) the same can be said for grad - remember how it feels to succeed? remember how it feels to be recognized for 4 years of hard work and accomplishments? remember how it feels to sense the pride from your mom and dad and brother and extended family? remember it, keep it close to your heart, and recall it when your faith is faltering. (special side note: mama once told you that when she has trouble sleeping at night, she thinks of you on the stage at graduation and she is filled with pride. She says her whole life she has been nothing but proud of you. Pride comes every step of the way with you.

So many wonderful things happened this summer - osheaga (so much fun - remember: experiences are always worth the $$$!!!!), lifeguarding (marko is a hot security guard ay yo ma lemme hit it, david is a creepy security guard good riddance), and europe!!!!!! Oslo and newcastle were beautiful, more beautiful than you could have imagined.

Now, you're in university. You’ve been in university for a week. You're anxious - you know whats expected of you, and you need to exceed even those expectations. Anything but perfection is not an option, but heres the good news - you are perfect. You are perfectly you. You are smart, kind, sensible, sociable, intelligent, humorous, sarcastic, witty, open minded, clever, and creative. You can overcome every and any obstacle that comes your way. That being said - focus. You are there for one reason and one reason only. Not Thomas Graham (the hot commie fourth year that was ur first uni hu at TwelvEighty last night), not for Hudson and Josh or SPF (although them serenading u w guitar and singing sessions is adorably relaxing and your stomach hurts from laughing with your little war over SPF), not for Jonathan and friends (who you never would've hung out w in high school and hanging out with them and them laughing at your jokes makes u feel kind of cool ish), not for Tereza (although she is very cool and you get along well.. NOTE: NEVER. FEEL. INFERIOR. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST, PRETTIEST, MOST WONDERFUL. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION, AND IF IT WAS - YOU ARE A WINNER) or for Hannah or for Anja (although she's bae and you owe her so much for making your transition to uni amazing and always welcoming u w open arms) or for Mario (although you can tell he loves u very much and u don't treat him the way he deserves to be treated but u treat him how u know how at this given moment of time and thats all anyone can really ask of you), or for Nayanthara (your older buddy who is so cool and nice and sweet and helpful and you want to be just as great of a buddy to someone some day), you are here for SCHOOL. You are here to SUCCEED. You are here to LEARN, to PUSH YOUR BOUNDARIES, to EXPAND YOUR MIND. Do not doubt yourself (or your electives). Focus. Put all your energy into being the best possible version of you. You beat out three THOUSAND other applicants to get into this program. You can do this. The IQ is there, you now just need the belief. If you can't do it - who can? Self-doubt is not an option. BELIEVE. You’ll do great things today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, always. You are busy, and you may not write on this for a long time, or you may write on it soon, but one thing is for sure - you are enough. Dear Future Sara,

Kill it. Be the monster Stefan always saw in you. Love, First Week Sara

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falteringfaith · 9 years

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It is currently 2:08AM the day of my 18th birthday. Mario just said good night to me and he kind of got me to write another one of these. I have written one of these in an incredibly long time (over a year) and my life has changed so drastically its ridiculous. A few things first to past sara: - liam and mia broke up - joey and sandra broke up - no u don't hu with THAT guy - razz is pathetic and a douche and texts u stupidly all the time now and u r bomb - dusan becomes ur bffl then ur lover then ur non lover and now ur weird friend/not friend who is weirdly attracted to u sometimes? idek man There is so much you did while you were seventeen its ridiculous. You have learnt so much about yourself and who are you are as a person and your values and beliefs. This is what you learnt: JULY - QUEBEC EXPLORE TO TROIS RIVIERES When you step out of your comfort zone you reap some of the greatest rewards of your life. Here, you made memories and friendships that will last a lifetime. Travelling is ALWAYS better than staying at home. Learning more about the world around you is irrevocable valuable, not to mention incredibly entertaining. AUGUST - BLYTH PHYSICS DOWNTOWN Your teacher Kelda and the three other students in your class were a pleasure to spend six hours a day with every day. You learnt that its ok not to be surrounded by 10000 other people and its awfully nice to take subway rides by yourself or eat lunch at a small cafe on your own. In fact, its refreshing and sometimes a better choice. Don't be afraid to look weird - you are the most important person to yourself. Remember that. AUGUST - SANDRA'S FATHER PASSED AWAY Hold your cherished ones so very, very close. Be loving to your family Sara. I know you struggle with this and that its sometimes difficult to keep your temper (and tongue) at check because your family knows how to push your buttons, BUT THEY LOVE YOU. NEVER FORGET THAT. You only get one mother, one father, and in your case one brother. Do not take them for granted. There is nothing in the world like the love of a family member. Don't you dare mistreat anyone who loves you like you are a piece of them. SEPTEMBER - MANITOU This is full of endless lessons. Step out of your comfort zones. Cheaters never prosper. ALWAYS BE A GOOD SPORT. Sometimes you don't have to win in the eyes of everybody to win in your own eyes. As long as you walk out a winner, the rest is a blur. A medal around your neck or a trophy in your hand doesn't make you a winner, the triumphant feeling in your heart does. Be nice to everyone - try to include everyone and motivate everyone. Remember how it feels to be excluded. Recall that time when you see someone being excluded. Please help others, its so crucial to the human construct. There is enough hatred and loathing in the world and enough reasons for someone to be sad without you adding to it. SEPTEMBER - MANITOU AFTER PARTY here, i am going to refrain from calling myself a fucking moron for hu w 5g in 1n but holy shit sara. ik its what you wanted to do at the time but wAs it necessary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS AN IMPORTANT LESSON - PEOPLE DO NOT FORGET. PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER U BY THE 1 THING U DID WRONG AND DISREGARD THE 4597384579274 THINGS U DID AMAZINGLY WELL. People want to see u fail and will take any chance to extrapolate them. DO NOT GIVE PEOPLE REASON TO TALK POORLY ABOUT YOU. You only get one reputation - remember to keep it clean. Kissing boys is not any reason that you should ever (EVER) (EVVVERRRRR) have to deal w continuous reminders for months on end after. (Literally, still hearing about this now. AND ITS JUNE. NEVER AGAIN SARA (jk u did it again) OCTOBER - ??? HALLOWEEN ??? U were a v cute toddlers and tiaras and a v cute flamingo. Moral of the story is to be cute and creative and quirky even if others think you're extra. Do what makes you happy. NOVEMBER - did anything even happen here? >? hello?>?>??? semi??? moral of semi's story is to look hot at events DECEMBER - RACHELS JAM u did it again sara. refer to manitou after party. u twat. DECEMBER - AB. dear sara, here you learnt to look at long term consequences for ur actions. you also learnt that if you make one mistake, DO NOT CONTINUE TO COMPOUND THE MISTAKE WITH ADDITIONAL MISTAKES. also, don't fall in love with the affection people give you, especially if they aren't worth your time ok bbygal ur better than that. DECEMBER - GORE ayyy u got smoochie smoochie w a uni guy ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy u do u sara that was cute ngl JANUARY - NEW YEARS meeting new people is SO much fun!!!!! be outgoing!!! extraverted is GREAT!!! don't be shy to introduce yourself or to be the first one on the dancefloor - 9 times out of 10 the other person was just waiting for u to do the same! JANUARY - FIRST SEM EXAMS ok listen sara. in regards to your chem exam, PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL. READ EVERY QUESTION CAREFULLY U ABSOLUTE NITWIT. JANUARY - MIAS JAM No boy is worth your friendship. remember this sara:))) this is important rn sara:)))) ok that is all. FEBRUARY - SKI TRIP Talking to new people and hanging out with different people is always so. much. fun. MARCH - MARCH BREAK rt the last thing^^^^ hanging out with new and different people is so much fun. being open to others is fun. remember to be a good listener and to ask questions more than you answer them - people love to talk about themselves! APRIL - ABBYS DEATH Please Sara, if you take anything from this entire year, please try to be a better person overall. If not for yourself, your family and your friends, then for the beautiful, brilliant, kind young girl Abby that was on your Manitou team. The universe works in mysterious ways but all I know is that you must try your hardest so that people view you as a confidant and a friend, as someone they can speak to when all else in their life is going wrong. On that note, never ever be a bystander. I will be so disappointed if I find out you've ever stood by while something u believe strongly against is happening. Do the right thing. Pay attention to your own needs and prioritize your health and safety first, but try to be a good person. MAY - MCMASTER HEALTH SCI ACCEPTANCE hard work pays off. innovation pays off. perseverance and determination pay off. congratulations, you have done so well and your work has been rewarded by entry into the most competitive and selective program in Canada. - SANDRAS BDAY Its always wonderful to see a smile on a friends face and to know you are the reason its there. - RELAY An incredible time for a twice as incredible cause. Happily Ever After, your team, won best cheer. - SCHOOL FRISBEE TOURNY So much funnnn eheheheh - BEACH TOURNY So much funnnn x2 eheheheh

Aaaaaaaaaaand this brings us to today. But before we get to TODAY today, lets talk briefly about the people who have shaped who you are in the past year. They say your personality is the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and if thats so, then your personality should be pretty damn great.

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falteringfaith · 10 years

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june 13th, 2014

just a quick update -

grade 11 was the best year of your life so far. make grade 12 even better. thats all :) past sara, 16 was the best year you've had so far. may 17 be even better. more details sooner xoxox

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falteringfaith · 11 years

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March 1, 2014

Soooooooo its officially the beginning of march. There have been two months of 2014 and boyyyy have they been amazing. Literally whirlwind of incredible things :)) I cant believe how much I have to tell you... First: Your marks for first semester are as follows French - 98 English - 95 Spanish - 95 Physics - 95 Biggest shoutout to you for increasing your physics mark from its initial 87 at first mark check, to a final 95! You're the best Second: You have a new semester! math, bio, chem, computer science. Sasha is in allllll your classes. beat him. this is mandatory. you must beat him in all subjects. try harder in math!!!!! and bio!!! and chem!!! pay attention in computers!!! you have to do amazing. you have to. Third: work!!!!! Monday is the last day of work for youuu, you started working at centennial as a ski instructor and its been absolutely incredibleeeee. The first day of work was january 6th, 2014. It was -45 with 40km/h winds and the snow machines going and you came back with frostbite (but it was bozic the next day so you didnt have to go to school). On mondays you have a parent and tot, then a zebra, then step1/2's 9-14 (Wells, Miranda, Jack, Julianna, Christian, Dev, Rowed, Varun). On the 7th week you got them on the t-bar, with only 2 casualties! By the third time they were going up like pros. On sundays you have a step 1, p/t, step 1, p/t, p/t, and your private paris. paris is the bestttttt, its literally just having fun skiing with her bc shes sooo ready for step 8. shes amazing and so much fun and the cutest ever. You've met so many cool people at skiinggggg. Michelle is amazingggg, alex is cool, the guys are all super nice even if a little weird, a few are cuties, sam is super nice, rachael and yyou have gottenn closeee at work, its all oodles of fun :) oh and you've made lots of $$$$$$ hahahaha. You go to sandras slava, sofias.. You have sci semi which is lots of funnnn, you get called for an interview for lifeguarding!!! yay!! (you still have to call them back though haha) Oh also, you kiss this guy called razz at work and hes a babe and ya lol, too bad he has a gf lololol lets just not oops. oh, joey and sandra are the most annoying fucks on this planet, everyones slightly annoying you, buttt... YOURE GETTING YOUR BRACES OFF ON TUESDAY, MARCH 4TH, 2014. AFTER 510 DAYS OF HELL. FINALLY. THEN ON WEDNESDAY, YOU"RE GOING TO EUROPE. FRANCE AND ITALY. have the best trip of your life babe, xoxoxo sara

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falteringfaith · 11 years

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2014

well, 2013 was a whirlwind of VERY HIGH ups and VERY LOW downs.

time to forget about 2013 and move on to 2014. went to basta's party last night, for nye, and forgetting about the way sandra and sofi ditched mia and i for joey and marko, it was a funnnnnn nightttttt. kissed paratash??? idk how to spell his name lmfao and also petar radicc although he was sooooo not sober.

question - in 2014, willl i finaaaaaaally fucking hu with ajdin? jeeezzzz bro.

regardless, i cant wait to see what 2014 has in store for me!!!! yaaaaay

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falteringfaith · 11 years

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November 30, 2013

Today is the last day of November. It is also my first post since I turned 16. I reread my last post, and my heart feels warm. Before I turned 16, I worried about so many insignificant things. So many easy questions with easy answers, but I made them complicated for myself. I feel like I am always like that. I overanalyze the future, what will happen with me, how I will deal with things. SO much has happened since my last post, I do not know where to start. Ill start it like this.

Dear 15-year old Sara, You accomplish many many things in your 16th year of life. You accomplish many "firsts". Lets start with the recital, your birthday. You woke up, went to dress rehearsal, went to whole foods, went home, got dressed, then went on your way to recital. We stopped at an icecream place. You had lychee icecream at that small store in Oakville, it was very very sweet. At the recital, The ballet girls invited you to come stay with them in their room. Isn't it amazing how some people can do such little things to make you feel so good? You were so relieved, and you realized that even if you werent exactly one of them, you still belonged. Now heres where it gets really amazing. They made you a card. They were looking for you, found you, and gave you a card. You have an instagram picture of it. Hannah made it. It was made out of purple construction paper and it spelt your name "Sarah" but you really didnt care. It brought tears to your eyes and you didnt know what to say. You gave them all a hug. They wrote things inside. You got emotional. It was wonderful. Beautiful. Also, lets talk about that boy named Dusan. He really liked you. He would do anything for you. He still would do anything for you. You should really go hang out with him sometime. You dont think anything will happen between you two, but you two become so close. Inseperable. You tell him everything and anything. You make fun of eachother, insult eachother, but he means the world to you. You think you wont do anything romantically because that would ruin the whole "friendzone" thing you did to him, but you kiss him later. Months later. But you still do it. Don't be afraid, it doesnt ruin anything. Isn't that wonderful? How no matter what happens, you have a friend who will always be there for you? He means alot to you. Cherish him. ps. one day you're going to go biking and you'll see him for the first time since he came back from srbija. he'll be with nolan. you'll think you were dressed like a hobo, but later he will tell you that you looked drop dead gorgeous and beautiful. it will make you smile, like the sun is within your chest beaming out of all the crevices in your body. he does this alot. make you feel worthwhile. cherish him. you have your 16th birthday party. its not too too much. sofia cant come, milena and kat cant come.. but the rest come :) you guys go to your favourite thai restaurant in oakville. marina, nina, hannah, mia, and sandra. its alot of fun. you take pictures at lakeshore after. heres a note - you will no longer be friends with marina, nina and hannah after summer break. i mean, you will be, but very fake, shallow friends. theres no way you can cut off ties completely, but they, especially marina and nina, essentially did that over the break. it doesn't really matter though, because you, mia and sandra have become inseperable. you really don't know what you would do without those girls. they mean more to you then any other friend has meant to you before. i know its hard, and i still havent managed it, but dont ever be jealous of them. dont ever intentionally try to emotionally hurt them or put them down. cherish these great friends of yours, ok?

you do very well at school second semester. A 96 in spanish, a 97 in french, a 94 in english and a 96 in computer science. congrats. i always knew you could do it.

oh look, its summer time.. i wonder what will happen :)

first, you do your NLS course. its crazy. its difficult, after the first night (you havent swam lengths in more than a year) you cry. you think you will fail. you KNOW you will fail. you're tired, hungry, and you have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. you will do the course with mia and milica. you dont know how you wouldve gone through it without them. sarah is your instructor - she's funny, but tough. you meet some amazing people though - yana, alyssa, anthony, thomas, sabrina, yassine, isaac, the list goes on and on... after the first weekend, you still think you're going to fail. you dont know how in the world you can pass the physical components. you go home. throughout the week, you go to west mall swimming pool twice and practice all the physical tests. you get better. the next weekend, you can do it. sunday morning comes. you guys have to wait hours to get in because the guy forgot to come unlock the doors. you're nervous. but you've practiced. however, you're still prepared to fail. you tell mia that you dont care if you fail, she says the same thing. regardless, the time comes to do the tests and you do it. you do them well. you pass. doing your head up front crawl, on the way back, people start cheering you on, clapping, telling you to go, go, go... you make it in 59 seconds. amazing how supportive people can be. when you're feeling down, remember there are people like that out there. Long story short, Sara, you pass your NLS. Through hard work - you did it. You made it. It was one of the most physically challenging things you've ever done - but you managed it. YOu still dont work as a lifeguard, mia and mili do, but you'll do it next summer. I love you alot for doing that Sara. Something you never thought you would do. By the second weekendd, you stopped crying when you came home. You had hope in yourself. ALWAYS keep that hope. Never, ever forget. Even when it feels like the world is pushing against you, push back and know that you are strong enough to overcome any obstacle that comes in your way. Prepare to fail, fail to prepare.

Btw, all summer, almost every day, you go to the west mall swimming pool at 1pm to swim. you swim the full hour. it feels amazing. you dont want to lose your skill. you swim, and bike/run every day. august 17th you become a pescetarian. september 17th you stop being one. a full month, who would have thought? you healthy mother fucker. haha

Between the first and second weekend of crash courses, one direction comes to your city. you cant find tickets. it absolutely sucks. and guess what happens, july 9th theres a huge storm and all your power goes out. your phone is low battery and soon dies, your dad isnt home and neither is your brother. its a huge storm, the next morning, the morning 1d is in town, you still dont have power. your fam minus tata and + slavica go to whole foods and charge EVERYTHING. you talk to mia, etc... no tickets :( its josh devine's birthday too. it sucks. you get home, and decide to go on a walk with aleksandra, ivana, and their dog. you get to sandras house and start talking with her. all of a sudden your mom shows up in the car yelling at you to get in. you get in and she tells you "eva is infront of the house with sarah. they have a ticket to the one direction concert and want you to go. go get ready you have like 30 seconds". You run inside. Your hair is a mess because of the no power, you cant even see your face in the mirror because its so dark, you're putting on clothes your mom throws at you. You get into the car and go. Needless to say, its the best night ever. You see 5SOS too (theyre hotties) and the boys are incredible. This is exactly what you wanted. You call your friends during songs so they can hear the boys sing too. Your phone dies and you dont get to videotape everything, but you dont care. You get home and its still fucking DARK, markland is a ghost town. They drop you off at your house. You get inside, and your brother is sitting there on your dads phone playing temple run. You sit and start going on the computer, doing irrelevant htings. All of a sudden, the lights flicker and turn on. THe day has truly been a miracle. You go into the kitchen and see that your parents bought food from Astoria. Its delicious. You eat, go online, and think about how amazing everything has been. At 2am, you take a shower. You go to bed at 3am. You made plans to go stalking one direction the next day. Igor drives you, Sandra, Mia, and Vanessa (from dance! who you always thought was pretty but never thought you'd be friends with or chill with. you never know sara, you never know). You stay infront of the ritz carlton forever, but you dont meet them. they werent even there. however, you meet a few AMAZING girls. you guys go to quizno's together, and starbucks. after, you go to the concert venue with them. they go to the concert, we say bye. sandra and vanessa go to the concert too. your dad comes and you and mia and him subway home together. its an amazing day. you get home, and you see your mom... she got a haircut. very very short. because she's doing chemo. You want to cry. She always had the most beautiful hair. Chemo is one of the most difficult things your mom will ever have to go through. She throws up, feels sick, eventually it gets easier but its hard every time. You're a bitch about it. You still are. You feel sick to your stomach because you feel like the shittiest daughter in the world. Your parents wont share with you, even now, exactly whats going on. She goes to the hospital alot. Why wont they tell you whats happening? She said the cancer didnt spread, that the doctor said chemo was just a precautionary measure, but it doesnt seem like it. Im going to cry Sara, I really will.

You go to Cuba. LOL. With Jelenka, its fucking crazy. You might has well have been going by yourself. You get locked out on the balcony and the guy has to come and remove the balcony doors. What a hassle. All in all, its an amazing trip once the rest of the guys come. You go on the catmaran, swimming with fish... its increeeeedible. very very fun.

You hand in your resume for ski instructing. AH! You go to the This is us movie premiere with sandra and mia and meet even more incredible people. you guys click right away. isnt it strange howsometimes you meet people and feel more of a connection with them than with people you've known forever? some of the girls names were jozephine, franny, etc...

OH I FORGOT TO SAY, right before the this is us premiere you get your g1!!!! AHHHH! finally! you loafted so hard sara, damn haha.

eventually, surely, school starts again ( :( )... you have one class with sandra per semester. you switch out of data management with mr briones (biggest bullshit) to french with mme macedo.. very good choice haha. you're tanned and all cute, and you just FEEL that grade 11 will be amazing. so far, it has been.

It's a lot more work, grade 11. This semester i have physics, french, spanish and english. Its my easy semester, but I still feel the strain. By the way, your first mark in physics will be a 97. You will bump it up to a (current) 93. Will you bring it up to a 95? idk thats up to you future sara. dont let sasha beat you. never that. not in any subject. bring up your marks in every subject sara. dont slack at the beginning.

MANITOU 2013.

It will be incredible. You'll be skeptical at the beginning. YOu have gold team, your team doesnt seem too great, and your junior boy is john. It will seem like you have the worst team. No. You wont. You will love your team so much by the end of the week it will seem your heart will burst. Glorija is your sister. Angela is your sister. Virginia is your sister. Aarty is so close with you. You and Joanne are close. You and Taylor are close. You got closer with Lauren, Rachel, Azaria. Incredible. Yeah, Nick might think you're in love with him (which you never were), but stefan v. said that his highlight of manitou was when you asked him to the dance. how amazing is that. at survivor, you are all throwing eachother into the water. cameron pushes you into the water. you're in your hoodie, leggings, SOAKED. well, its too late now. you jump into the water with glorija singing "GOLD IS FOR CHAMPIONS". You guys are laughing, having so much fun. A true Kodak moment. Green team is sitting on the bench at waterfront watching, boring as hell. Sophie tells you guys later that we looked so cute and she wishes her team was like that... You go back, and the other teams have free time. You go to hug Kyle and he starts laughing. Everyones asking why you guys are soaked, and you tell them. You can tell they're jealous. talent show auditions soon! but you need to shower! (its disgusting) You're not supposed to, but we all go anyway. We shower so quickly, get ready, and go back . You go do your talent show audition. You walk around with Sandra, play volleyball... Its a GREAT day. At campfire, you and glorija sit together, and you guys bond so much. she means alot to you. she looks out for you, you look out for her. John sits behind you guys and sings horribly and you laugh SO MUCH. can we talk about john for a second? manitou made you guys SO much closer. yeah he's kind of weird and a pain sometimes, but you can tell you guys are good friends now. it means a lot, doesn't it.

lets talk about nikola markovic for a moment. he really fell for you, like a lot. he dances with you at manitou, walks you to your cabin, talks to people about you. he says you're beautiful, intelligent, amazing, that you're too good for him. you have no feelings for him and it kind of sucksssss. at the manitou after party, you break his heart. it really sucks. he says that he stopped talking to all the other girls for you. he says he feels like an idiot. you feel like an idiot for doing that to him. he's a great kid. i hope he finds someone amazing for himself. he deserves it (plus he's cute). I just wasnt ready. And i couldnt do that to him.

You have your first job interview!! Turns out one of the ladies is Dean's mom.. how random haha. It goes really well. She says you're very smart. You wear your J Crew button up, juicy jeans, your hugo boss jacket, straighten your hair and your marc jacobs shoes. later you get a call. you got the job. since then, you've gone to the NEO, to other trainings, picked up your jacket and helmet, lots of things. You're very very nervous about being a ski instructor. Will you be any good? You don't know alot. You hope you dont suck. You hope you're amazing. Will you be able to do the sunday/monday shifts? how will school handle that? OHHHHHH MAN. You made Manitou Exec! Incredible! You also made the senior girls volleyball team!!! Yesterday you had a tournament, you played great. Served so well to win us the last game. You don't know if you'll quit yet, because you might be bench, so its better to just not waste your time. but you'll see. its so much fun, you and janice were joking so much, and you and irina.. idk, stuff like this brings you closer to people. you're also closer to anja now.

OH YOU HAD YOUR KISS NOVEMBER 14th (15TH??? IDK) AT ECI SEMI.

You dont know the guys name haha. But he came up to you and started dancing and you just kind of did it. Im glad you did. He was tall and fit, so i guess it doesnt really matter. Mia and Sandra said that it was 30 minutes, but it surely didnt feel like it. Soon after that, you hooked up with dusan :///////. He tasted like excel spearmint gum oooops, and he was really good. It kind of messes up things for like 2 days, but then everything goes back to normal and its all good. Then theres the 3rd guy. He's more aggressive and uses his teeth more, but thats fine haha. 3 guys within a few hours on the same night as you had your first kiss, and none of them knew. not too bad, eh? ps. you got a (very) bit tipsy for the first time. it was so much fun. you danced with so many people ahhhhh. when you came back your mom noticed and didnt let you sleep over at sandras, but WHO CARES! It was greaaaaattt and you wont forget it.

OH IN OCTOBER, YOU HAD THE ACADEMIC AWARDS ASSEMBLY. You only won like 4 awards, but you got third proficiency again (after ivana and lisa again) but you're happy. good job sara, you did it again. now just do it a third time (lol).

So thats all for now, I guess. I cant really think of much more, and I have piano in like an hour ooooops.

I just want you to know that so far, sixteen has been amazing. And there's more to come. You have gore coming up with mia and mili and gang, you have new years coming (what will you do for that, btw?) and europe trip is in less than 100 days. This year will be amazing. 2014 will be amazing.

from this, i want you to remember a few things.

first, don't worry about the people around you. there are always incredible people out there who exceed your expectations when others fail to meet them. mia, sandra, the ballet girls, the girls you met downtown, at the movie premiere, dusan, nikola, amazing people who only wish the best. beautiful souls. hold those moments close to your heart.

also, know that everything is ok in the end, and if its not ok, its not the end. this applies for your manitou team, for NLS, for the one direction concert, for not having your first kiss yet. each one you had doubts about, but in the end it ended up being one of the most incredible experiences of your life.

i want you to love yourself sara, above everything else.

love yourself because you're worth it.

love yourself even when your life isnt as amazing as these moments i described above.

you deserve your own love 100% of the time.

love others too, because you never know if they need it.

lots and lots of warm hugs and kisses,

16 year old Sara.

ps. I dont kknow when ill write next. who cares, really. i write when i feel like it. bye for now. Also, future sara reading this... what happens with mia and liam? what happens with sandra and joey? You're kind of jealous, but it is waht it is i guess. You're glad theyre happy, but youve always had this bitter, mean side of you that gets upset when people have better luck and better things than you. oh well. deal with it. future sara, what happens with them? future sara, will you mack the bosnian? LOOOOOL... future sara, what are your final grades for first semester? future sara... are you happy?

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