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Push

I’ve never been a pusher. I have always been pushed. All of my life, it was following the steps of an older role model. It was being pushed to do things by a close friends. It has been pushed by the pressure to be doing something. 2018 is the year in which I push myself--to be better, to inspire, to be inspired, to create change. The year I push myself to be great. 

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Small

I used to have visions of you yelling in hot rage. I would feel like I was an inch tall and you were growing bigger. I vowed to never feel that way again.

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nothing is more tender

than the early morning kisses

of a regretful father

after a night of rage and fury.

the sorrow is so present it is sore.

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6/11

I remember my best friend said something during one of our summers in high school. We had been discouraged because we were not having one of those crazy, wild, movie-like summers that we seemed like everyone else was having. Instead, we typically sat on the couch and watched a movie while enjoying each others’ company and just laughing. We drove to nearby restaurants that filled out stomachs and satisfied our creative outlets through food. Even though it was quiet--it was fulfilling, it was warm, and it was comfortable. We were somewhat uncomfortable with our lack of activity, I guess? We were always thinking damn, I can’t wait to be incredibly happy one day.

After expressing these feelings to each other, my friend said, “I think our idea of happiness is some unrealistic, euphoric, constant high-like feeling. It’s not unachievable, but it’s not a feeling you’re supposed to have every minute of every day.” Which got my to think-- happiness is not just standing up out of the sun roof on the highway, or being just the right amount of drunk at a fun party, or sliding down a damn waterfall, it’s all of those things, and every small moment in between. It’s being in a place that you are able to feel the greatness of these moments, and to be grateful--to be happy with where you are and who you are surrounded by. It’s not the euphoric, almost drug-like high all the time. It’s being able to enjoy things in your life to a great extent, and enjoying them with people you love.

As I look back on the summer, I was so happy. Don't get me wrong, I’m still happy now (I think), but the mere shift of how I thought of happiness and complete fulfillment has ultimately changed. I do not feel insecure that I am not constantly on the run, being photographed while I ride elephants or fall into the ocean. I am surrounded by my family and friends, connecting with others, and constantly improving myself. That, is happiness.

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Shitty people

It hurts me to my core to see the people I love be a victim of someone else’s carelessness, cruelty, or just ignorance. Don’t people understand that their actions have tangible consequences? I think about this because it seems as if the people I love the most in the world have been the victims of the worst cruelties in the world sometimes. Enough so spiral them into deep depression and self-consciousness that may not be immediate but will affect them for the rest of their lives. 

And what hurts me the most is knowing that I will probably be this person to someone else some day. Or maybe I already have. When I blew up at my mom and said she didn’t do anything for me when she had been working 13 hours at the hospital just to pay for my dance dues, or when I broke my ex’s heart knowing that he had been struggling with depression. I didn’t feel like the villain, I just felt like me. And it sucks so bad knowing that I may have caused so much hurt to another person. It just all sucks

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12/16/16

Honestly I didn't think that I was going to be as happy as I was a couple of months ago. Today and the past couple of days have just made me realize how incredibly grateful and happy I am I just want to scream. I've never been so happy and content with who I am and the people in my life and my heart has opened up to such a great level. I feel so free

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Triggers

It's so fucking weird how certain things can take you back to a place in your life. Perfume, shampoo, songs, places, FOODS I literally just had a bite of hummus & all these memories came rushing through my head. Good and bad it just brought me back to a time in my life agh

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I miss you

I didn't think I would but I do. Everything reminds me of you. That you're not here anymore. I want to talk to you all the time and I hate that you're not here. I hate more that I pushed you out. I'm sorry

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Tired

Today I wasn’t scared of you. Today, after 17 years of taking and absorbing your anger, I stood up for myself. I think it’s funny how I used to feel so terrified. You used to make me feel so small. But today, I felt powerful. I felt like I was finally voicing my opinion. You were screaming and pushing me and yelling and kicking me out but not one part of me was scared of you. And it felt good. I didn’t feel small.

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Wrath

They say that you feel certain emotions in different parts of your body. Shame you feel in your head, anxiety you feel in your chest, disgust you feel in your stomach. You’re supposed to feel anger in your upper half. Swirling around your head and chest all the way down to the tips of your fingers. Sometimes I worry I feel it too much. Sometimes I feel the anger traveling through my blood and into my thighs. I feel it rushing down my back and racing between each limb like a car that has no end. It’s white hot and it takes over your body, controlling your every thought, breath, and action. I don’t recognize myself when I’m this person. Feeling all of this emotion and heat and rage and pain. They say that you feel anger in your head, your chest, your arms- sometimes I worry I feel it too much.

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Heat

and all I feel now is anger. Anger about everything. why did that person ignore me, why did you prove me wrong, why do you not get this, why do you choose to hang out with them, why am I so damn angry??? I’m even angry about being angry. I never used to be this person but now I’m a monster. I hate that I am starting to see parts of you in who I am. I hate that I can’t control it or push it away. I have so many reasons to be angry, yet I don’t want to feel any of it. 

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Numb

I do not hurt anymore. I feel to an extent. Nothing that happens deeply affects me in a way that could change me. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I have no idea. All I know is that things happen and life is shit but I don’t hurt. 

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Hate

I feel the fiery red heat bubbling inside me when I think about you. I don't just hate you. I hate who you are, what you believe in, how you make others feel. I hear your feet brush against the floor at night and you snoring in your room and I hear it and actively, with all my might, hate you. I cringe when I think about your nature and everything you have done. I don't want to forgive you and I don't wish I liked you. I hate you and your temper and your white rage and the dreams that you crush and the ideas that you don't support and I hate you.

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Not lining up

But no. You don't get it. We are not the same. Because you've never crouched under your desk shaking with fear, and choking on your own tears. Hearing cries of your mother and the constant, endless screaming of your father. You've never been embarrassed to walk outside your house because you know the neighbors can hear the screaming from inside. You've never heard the door slam so hard that your insides shake and you experience the weird feeling of wanting him to come back but never wanting to see him again. This is a true nightmare. And something that I live daily.

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Free

Those moments in life when through all the messy shit in your life things start to make sense. And you slowly start to drop all the toxic things that have been suffocating you and free yourself from the negativity and ignorance that is some people. And you feel like there's a weight lifted off your shoulder because you're not scared of what people will think or how you may make someone angry but you just fully embrace who you are and what you deserve. That's everything to me.