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figs-and-cigs Ā· 13 days
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Open Relationships encompass so many relationships styles. While most who state they're in an open relationship typically mean they have multiple physical relationships it still includes dynamics like polyamory where there are multiple emotional/loving relationships.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 14 days
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ā€œYou say you want a free and wild woman
Until you realize
That this means
She
And she alone
Decides how she moves through the world
In her juicy flesh
Until you realize
That she is not a commodity
That her nudity isnā€™t a mystery to be uncovered
A prize to be won
Itā€™s not saved for you
She belongs to the earth
Her first love
Her priority
Is service to all of Creation
You see
You cannot possess her
You cannot hide her away
You cannot pick and choose
The wildness you approve of
And the wildness that threatens your claim
On who you think she ought to be
To you
For you
She is not for you
She never will be
But
What she will be
Is A force of Love
So great
That your life will be flipped upside down
Until everything false
Burns away
And only Truth remains
A Love like youā€™ve never known it before
As commanding as the ocean current
As consistent as the sunrise
As powerful as molten rock
As purifying as a monsoon
She will confront you
Challenge you
Break you
And soften you
Into surrender
She will invite you
With a glimmer in her eyes
To come play with
The Divine
To Make Love to the elements
To be raptured by the energy all around us
When youā€™re with a Wild Woman
Itā€™s a threesome, babyyy,
You, her, and Mother Earth
In a titillating dance
Of ecstatic rebirth
With all of Creationā€™s
Invitation
To go deeper
And deeper stillā€
~šŸŒŸšŸ’š Maisie Lynn āœØļø Fairy Goddess Magic
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 15 days
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 16 days
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Poly things that annoy me even though I am poly.
- The idea of dating multiple people to get your "needs" met. Like my partners aren't little need fulfilling machines. I'm an adult, I try to meet my own needs. If my partner(s) can help with that, cool! But I'm with them because I like being with them - not for what they do for me!
- "Define the Relationship". I get it, it'll be nice to know how to introduce each other. Are we dating? Am I your girlfriend? FWB? Play partner? But like it's been 3 months buddy, and we've only been on 4 dates - you want to outline our whole relationship right NOW!? Can't we just enjoy each other and let shit evolve without creating all these parameters?
- Making requirements. There's a fine line between agreements within our relationships and demanding need fulfillments that look like rules. You want me to call you everyday? Cool. You can only feel secure in our relationship if I call you everyday? Hun, if you're going to panic because I had a busy day with my kids and other partners you might want to call your therapist.
- Unicorn Hunters who think they're ethical. Requiring your partner's partner to date you is icky. Period. And I don't care if the unicorn is naive enough to think it's normal. It's not.
- Jealousy being labeled a red flag and expecting the individual to figure it out on their own. Don't get me wrong, if I'm jealous - yes it's my issue to address - but like it's borderline abusive if my partner won't even discuss it or act like jealousy isn't a normal healthy experience even within poly!
- Making your relationship style you're entire personality. I know, I know, I ended up making my Tumblr blog all about my poly, but I do have relationships and hobbies that have nothing to do with poly. I swear!
- That one dude. You probably met him at a munch. He's all, "my girlfriends found out about each other. How do I make them be ok with this? And keep them from dating other dudes like me?" Fuck that guy.
- The cliques and cultish vibes. Seriously, how do I make my poly meet up group less weird?
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 3 months
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Dr Tingle, how can you have so much love and positivity when this world is so full of hate? I get so worn down by it. I try hard to spread love but hugging someone is hard when they light you on fire.
How are you so strong?
BODY: hour and a half hike at 6 am in the morning then a half hour of 40 pound kettlebell every single day
MIND: by being autistic its the dang best
SOUL: knowing love is real
in my opinion the soul part matters most but every buckaroo is different see what works for you bud.
that being said, you are STRONG already. you have a trot that is uniquely yours and NOBODY else has that power. there is nobody else as good at being you as you are and that is infinitely mighty, especially once a buckaroo figures out how to wield this cosmic gift. but make no mistake it is in you from the start
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 3 months
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Something I haven't seen spoken about a lot is the psychological impact of being chronically ill and experiencing horrific symptoms, and knowing that literally no one can help you.
I could call a doctor, but I already know what's wrong. There's literally nothing they can do for me. And I can't afford to go just for reassurance.
I'm just in a flare and sometimes it's Like This. And you just have to swallow symptoms that live in the nightmares of well people, because you can't just have an emotional breakdown every time you're in a flare.
So I'm in horrible pain and distress, and I can't call for help, because no one can help me, and I have to act like it's fine, so I don't worry other people who get Very Upset that I can't just Fix It
And there's just a deep psychological burden in that, that I don't think well and able bodied people ever really think about.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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People/partners are allowed to be jealous/upset/have uncomfortable emotions - untangling and addressing those feelings is part of the process and different for everyone.
However the moment someone begins expressing their discomfort in inappropriate ways (speeding, slamming doors, silent treatment etc. as mentioned), if they can't address it immediately (apologize and do whatever they need to not behave that way again) I'm out.
I can be compassionate and sympathetic if someone is having a hard time, but I will not subject myself to abusive behaviors. Full stop. Period. No amount of jealousy, fear, anger is an excuse to treat someone badly. If he can't calmly discuss it like and adult or seek help to manage these behaviors I'd suggest making an exit plan before things escalate.
I need my fellow poly/ethically non monogamous people to give me advice. My partner and I are worlds apart in our acceptance and dealing with jealousy when it comes to being open. For example. He had his partner over today at our house. Theyā€™ve been dating for months now. Iā€™m super comfy with this. I like her sheā€™s nice. It didnā€™t bother me and I honestly wasnā€™t even a bit jealous. But while at the grocery store (in the same day as his date) we ran into someone he knows Iā€™m chatting with and going on a date with this weekend. It was a completely different response. His easily noticeable actions when heā€™s jealous or upset started. Speeding, being short, slamming doors, leaving me outside while walking into the house, letting me carry all the bags, ignoring me when home, etc. Any time I bring up that his actions are upsetting and that itā€™s not fair he tells me itā€™s actually not fair that I donā€™t acknowledge the progress heā€™s made. Heā€™ll say sorry and stuff and own up to the actions. But he doesnā€™t do anything to change. I donā€™t know what the fuck to do anymore. It feels like heā€™s getting the supportive, loving, understanding, cool partner and I only ever get the jealous one. If I go on a good date itā€™s always ruined by his jealousy.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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Gift cards to restaurants has become my go to for my polycule friends. Going out to eat is expensive! Especially if they're trying to cover 3+ people. Even if the card doesn't cover an entire meal it can help make a date night doable. If I'm throwing money at a gift I'm unsure of, I'd rather just give them money - gift cards at least look thoughtful lol.
When it comes to individual gifts, if I can't think of something, I've gotten more comfortable with directly asking what's on someone's list. If they say nothing they get an empty box and something random. (Guess how many empty boxes and stupid T-shirts my partner now has? He wears them, but this year he actually made a list!)
guys what the fuck am i supposed to get my poly parents for christmas (who at this point might not even be poly with the way shit is going idk my dad might just be getting cucked). i am tight on cash so i'm trying to get a 3-for-1 gift that all of them will use and appreciate after i move out. only i can't google "poly/throuple gifts" because it's all like cheeky poly merch and stuff which is fine but this is NOT about them being poly this is about being USEFUL TO THE FUNCTION OF THE POLY HOUSEHOLD. please help
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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When you begin your polyamory journey, no one will be able to adequately explain how hard it is to balance multiple relationships.
But at the same time, they won't be able to describe how incredibly fulfilling it is, either.
If you work on and manage that balance, it's so utterly worth the effort.
Polyamory isn't easy. But then, neither is any kind of relationship.
But if you're prepared to do the work and build your relationships, polyamory can open the door to such rewarding, emotional fulfilment that you won't even notice the hard work it needs because the rewards are so incredibly overwhelming.
(Discover more at DiscoveringPolyamory.com)
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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you don't know how much i love your blog for CELEBRATING polyamory. it's exactly what i've missed all those days.
šŸŸi hope "fish anon" isn't taken yet
i started my poly relationship almost a year ago, it is hard sometimes, but wonderful. i have never seriously considered it before, even though my relationship was open already. both me and my spouse fell in love with our best friend and it turned out he fell for us too. harmony achieved, a triad in which everyone loves each other.
i looked up websites where i could share my joy and tried reddit. it was a mistake. i found no joyful stories to read, only complaints and expressions of fear, and my story was not met well either. it was devastating. i wanted to hear happy poly people to understand that we are not alone.
turns out we aren't. i should've searched tumblr first.
thank you again for your blog and all the people that write you asks for giving me faith in loveā¤ļø
Hi šŸŸ!!
That's exactly why I started this blog! Forums talking about hardships are important and all, but I was getting a little depressed with them šŸ˜…
For me, monogamy was the bad thing. Relationships that looked so good kept crashing and burning. I felt trapped. I felt like I fell out of love with people because, through no real fault of theirs, i felt trapped. And then I felt trapped in that feeling. Because what else was I supposed to do? Devastation. And then all these things saying "polyamory doesn't work" and a four-page essay about how it ruined their love life and just. Fuck dude.
But then I did it. And literally like, 80% of all my relationship problems were solved (and it only created like 10% new ones). We do this, because for us, its perfect. This has genuinely completed my life.šŸ’Ÿ There were growing pains, but polyamory is literally the happiness I thought was always out of reach.
And what a joy it is to be able to give that to others!šŸ’—The community that has come up has overwhelmed me, and each ask I am reminded I am not a freak, I am not alone, I am not incapable of a lasting love! And neither are any of us!ā£ļø!
Now, you and your little school of fishies better keep loving each other!
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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When my primary started seeing a woman who I precieved to be a walking red flag I told him once very gently, "I think she's unstable and will bring a lot of drama into your life. I think you deserve so much better. Obviously, I want you to do what makes you happy and if she makes you happy then I'm happy - and I know you're capable of making the best decision for yourself."
I tried not to give my opinions about her after that. If we happened to be at events where we might interact I kept it very positive and cordial. The relationship ended pretty quickly which also proved me to my primary is absolutely capable of taking care of himself and having boundaries. I was able to carry that into future relationships with metamours. Along with the reminder that it's not my relationship and I can also have boundaries around my interactions with them.
The other thing that comes to mind is that my primary never gave his opinion on someone I was dating until I was struggling with the decision to break up with them. And only then did he just validate the thoughts and feelings I was having. I try to practice that now as well unless I see some really concerning red flags.
One thing I really love about polyamory is the freedom and autonomy to have our own relationship experiences/journeys - including the negative ones! It's a huge opportunity to learn and grow.
I wonder if youā€™re willing and able to give me a little advice. When Iā€™ve been in poly relationships, working on jealousy over metamours has been an ongoing task. This is pretty normal, I understand, but I noticed the feelings were much stronger and more difficult to handle well when the metamour in question was a man. Iā€™m a lesbian, and while there are several very wonderful men friends in my life who I love very much, I find it difficult to trust and respect men who I havenā€™t gotten to know (and all too often, even when I have gotten to know them).
I guess what Iā€™m asking for is advice on how to cultivate compersion when your metamour is someone you donā€™t especially like or respect. And I suppose I should add that Iā€™m not currently in a poly relationship, I have been before and Iā€™d like to again, and Iā€™d like to do a better job this time.
The key is usually to focus on trusting your partner. There may be a lot of very legitimate reasons to not trust or respect a metamour. But at the end of the day, you aren't the one dating them. The important thing is if they make your partner and are good for them. You can let them know your opinion of said metamour if you are worried about your partner but you need to respect your partner's autonomy in making their own choice.
I think what makes this is even harder is that is subjective to your partner's opinion rather your subjective take or even objectively. Said partner may very well in-fact just be factually bad and unhealthy for your partner. But if your partner is wants to choose them then it is best to support them to a point. You may need to accept that one day that metamour will hurt your partner and brake their heart but until that happens your partner just might not be ready to brake up yet so you just need to let them go through the journey themselves and then be there for them without telling them how you told them so.
Course all of the above is dealing with moderation. Obviously if you think your metamour is a legitimate murderer or something then that is a different story.
Finally I won't sugarcoat it. Sometimes all that is too much to take. It isn't unheard of that somebody breaks up with their partner because their metamour is too much to handle and you can't put up with the tug of war. I think most of the time that is avoidable and things can be worked. But it is important to acknowledge that could possibly happen and just be prepared for it.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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pretty much the only real problem with polyamory is that once you introduce your partners to each other they might decide to unionise and bully you as a team.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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ive seen a lot of people talk about after care on here but only mention it to the extent of some cuddles and a bath and i just want to remind everyone that aftercare shouldnt be limited to that.
if you have a harder session, tend to your subs bruises, scratches, and marks. put ice on bruises and welts to help with inflammation and pain.
if you do bondage, take care of rope burn and help them do some stretches. their body is going to be stiff from being restricted in one position for a long time. also a heating pad can help with sore muscles.
if they have any cuts or are bleeding, dress their wounds properly. make sure to put on antibiotic ointment on before a bandage.
if they have burns for whatever reason, put ice and ointment on those to help them heal.
make sure they pee after sex to help prevent a UTI. their legs may be shaky so help them get to the bathroom if needed.
give them advil or some other pain med to help with any aching or discomfort.
make sure they drink water. they need it and i cant stress how important this is. also give them some food even if its just a little snack.
give them verbal assurance and praise. tell them they did good and that youre proud of them.
still run a bath, get them cleaned up, give them kisses, cuddle them, etc but dont forget about the rest of aftercare, its so important. take care of your subs and always remember consent, communication, and safety are key.
also give your doms aftercare and affection too, theyre people with emotions and need it
aftercare is just as, if not more, important than the actual scene and should never be skipped, rushed, or disregarded
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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I've been watching a friend of mine cycle through one relationship after another within a short period of time. The pattern is essential the same. She's head over heels for them. Brings them to one of our poly group events (meet up or party). Their new partner seems overwhelmed by the high energy, highly flirtatious, incredibly intimate behavior of this friend with so many people (who are strangers to this new partner). She goes on and on another how supportive, accepting, and open this new partner is. Then within in a week it crashes and burns. The partner is overwhelmed, insecure, doesn't know how they're supposed to fit into her life. And the friend complains and complains about how she doesn't feel supported, how hard these conversations are, that they're both triggering each other, and her partner needs more therapy and she's breaking up with them.
I'm all for the idea that if someone wants to be with me, they need to accept me as I am. I'm flirtatious, I'm sexual, I'm part of a pretty intimate group with quite a few entanglements. If it makes them uncomfortable they need to voice that early on. However, knowing these facts is very different from being faced with them before our own relationship is established. Part of choosing to be in a relationship is choosing to evolve with each other over time. I can't jam a new puzzle piece into a picture each piece needs make space for the other to fit together.
I have a post about the Knaps relationship cycle. The issue my friend is dealing with is NRE, skipping quickly through those foundational stages of a relationship, skipping any sort of integration and right into being bonded. In doing that neither individual actually *knows* who they're suddenly in a relationship with. And then they begin to fall apart and break up.
I'm writing these thoughts out now because I've seen this happen with so many polyam peeps. They so quickly want to sit someone at the kitchen table before even forming a relationship with someone. This is both uncomfortable for the new person, places a lot of expectations on them, and leaves the other with frustration that their new partner doesn't act or fit in the way they hoped.
It's like inviting someone you've been dating for a couple weeks to a family Thanksgiving. They aren't family yet, they barely know you, and now your mom is asking how many babies you're both gonna have.
Only now they're faced with a bunch of people you already have close intimate fun relationships with - and even when they might *know* there's no competition in poly, it's natural for them to wonder how they're going to compete for your time and attention when neither of you actually know each other yet.
With my newer relationship I told him I wanted to wait until we were established before introducing him to my husband or friends - and before meeting his wife. He's awesome and would get along with everyone and fit in, I have no doubt about it. But whether we evolve into a serious relationship or just a platonic friendship we need to know how we fit into each other's lives on an individual basis before integrating into a bigger piece of it.
Ok I guess that's all.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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I know this is meant to be silly but here's my 'fuck unicorn hunters' rant for the week and this accurately explains why.
- Gifting your partner a person is dehumanizing.
- Treating a person like a pet is dehumanizing.
- Losing interest in your shiny new 'partner' when they want more than sex is dehumanizing.
People are not toys. Period.
Note: swinger culture, kink culture, and casual sex ventures are different from Polyamory, there's no guise of 'adding someone into our relationship'. But even in those spaces the negotiation/discussion and treating the unicorn like a person is required.
With the holidays coming up, an important reminder: do not get your partner a new partner without discussing it with them first. You may think that this might make a cute gift, when the new one is all bundled up under the Christmas tree, but actually, a new partner in your polycule is a big responsibility and should not be taken lightly. Otherwise after the holidays, the new one just gets pounded and then quickly forgotten
Reblog to spread awareness
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 4 months
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As a bisexual polyamorous woman my dating choices for women are between single women who are convinced I'm planning to spring my husband on them and married women who try to spring their husbands on me.
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figs-and-cigs Ā· 5 months
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Honestly, even if someone managed to prove that non-monogamous relationships are statistically more likely to end or last less time on average than monogamous ones, I don't think that would prove monogamy is better. I actually wouldn't be surprised if this is the case. What this would probably mean is that non-mono people are more willing and able to leave a situation that is no longer mutually healthy and fulfilling, due to, on average, being more self aware and communicative of their wants and needs and having better support networks. I think the fixation on this point by anti-poly people just shows that they're terrified of change in their relationships and projecting that on everyone else.
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