finallybecomingemo

[finallybecomingemo]

Well… I think I’m becoming schizophrenic as much as I don’t want to admit it, and I am losing touch with reality. I’m mortified by what could show and I’m scared that my dream last night will be one I can’t get away from. I’ve been turning to God a lot, but all it does is make me feel like I’m at war with the two sides.

[finallybecomingemo]

I had sex with 2 people. Ori and Josh. They are dating, married actually. We had a 3some. The girl was a really close friend of mine, but after we all hung out today- an hr after day drinking, which, today was really good I thought. I knew I was going through shit but I thought they really wanted to be there for me and cared for their own reasons, I’m surprised things went so south. It was 2 days after the sex- she had her bf on speaker tonight and then let him complain about what he was so upset with me for. Basically, he doesn’t want to hangout with me anymore and I make him feel like shit because nothing gets through to me when he tries supporting me. Gee, that’s nice.

I don’t really know what to say back to that. First, fuck you to the gf for keeping him on speaker after he said countless times that he didn’t want to be and I was crying in the next room every time I heard him say something new, and she was like “That’s valid. You aren’t wrong.” I ended up just leaving afterward. I got my homework submitted, and a friend invited me to go out with these other people- it didn’t turn out too well as a girl was there and started throwing shade on me about how I had sex with a bunch of people- I stuck up for myself and then made her feel really uncomfortable- just like how she made me. Ya know, like give her a taste of her own medicine? I feel like a badass for doing that. And then my friend made me go home. He wasn’t too happy that I did that. Because thats his ex wife I was talking to. Oh well. Not like I know her anyway.

Anyway, back to the shit I was going through with the other people. Josh and ori. They’re married. I guess the strongest types of people with the strongest heads on their shoulders stay married.

I guess I don’t have a strong mind, and everything they said is valid and law for me. That’s the only way for me to interpret all of this information.

I told my dad I wanted to kill myself today. And I asked him if he thought I was going to make it. I told him that nobody cares when you’re going places, what you’re doing with you’re life, the job you have made/where you work- they only care if they can spend the rest of their life with you, which I can’t do for who I am, and I’m so tired of every person thinking it’s in my control how that works out- it’s not. I just don’t have the space open up about who I am freely enough and it breaks others down in the process, so I can’t end up with anyone. That’s why I’m alone, and I’ll likely always be alone because I don’t want to be anyone else but myself. I want to be myself even if I’m the most hated person on the planet. I feel like I owe it to myself to be myself.

[finallybecomingemo]

If I really want to workout today, I’ll run outside, but I need to study. I also have a big day tomorrow. Without working out, I’ll probably get to bed at 11 tonight because I had class all day today and had to do the nclex prep work after, and work on my project.

i sent nudes to my friends though, that was really fun.

[finallybecomingemo]

It’s amazing how I can not want to live anymore, and then have a moment of being calm. Yesterday I told my therapist “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I know that everything that has happened makes sense.”

[finallybecomingemo]

I am studying for my nclex, what a blessing it is to have something to study for everyday. I remember studying this hard when I was taking my prereqs. What a good part of my life where I got ahead from sacrificing so much of what was “normal” and almost dying from suicide d/t all the stress, but yet I made it. I love those experiences and I think they define who I am. Someone who gives more than they have, more than what others would, more than what’s healthy, to boost myself to a place I wouldn’t ever be.

The only thing I wish was better about me now, is my ability to be appropriate in social gatherings. I‘m told I’m not ever doing something wrong, but I don’t feel that special.

[finallybecomingemo]

I’m lookin really good. I post as much as I can on social media- but it’s still not 100% me, you need to be in my intimate circle, where hardly anyone sticks around for.. life’s not for the other people though. It’s just me, it’s my experience, and I think social interactions are all chance- not for the purpose of having a good time or getting what we want, but just for the sake of getting by.

[finallybecomingemo]

I reached out to my ex last night, I am about to reach out again and invite him to my graduation party. i think since he replied last time, messaging him is okay. I mean he could just not respond, he could just tell me he’s not interested in me, or tell me he’s talking to someone else now. Whatever the reason! I don’t think I need to be sad about it anymore, ok the whole overthinking, it’s a waste and we’ve all been there.

[finallybecomingemo]

Welp- I really don’t like how I feel when talking to a guy. I’m giving myself all this space to relax because I’m not seeing him until June 8th, and I don’t want to talk to him until then because I care more about how the in person interaction is going to go and I just wanted his number so we could hang again. Just as a way to touch base, but not be reliant on for conversation, but now I feel obsessed and like I want to talk to him! 😭I hope he doesn’t forget about me.

[finallybecomingemo]

Liking a guy is always the same, I always get high and then lose motivation for all the hard work I was putting towards myself. It becomes so hard for me to be solid and stable with who I am because I want to be approved. But what if I opened those topics for debate? I am not the same person I was, so I imagine the conversation would go differently. I just also want to be a good listener.

Another point that makes me liking guys always the same, is not texting normally. A normal text just gets the point across- I’m not constantly wondering what they’re doing, or if we’re both trying to prove a point by not responding right away. I also wonder a lot what their past relationship was like and if they’re still hooked on it. God... because I see mating as reason to be together forever, I get so let down when that isn’t the case. I’m constantly learning though, and I think what I’m learning the most is how we tune into every second of what’s going on and we choose to be okay with life or not.

[finallybecomingemo]

Well, I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life officially. I was going to become a nurse and make a bunch of money, get everything I wanted, like make all sorts of friends and be someone others wanted to be. I was going to be happy, but it’s not happening like that. I was going to be someone that had it all and worked for it, but really I feel so alone and like no one wants to be by my side. I wouldn’t even say I’m a mean person, learning yes, somewhat depressed yes. But I feel like the depression is my strength, it gives me my edge.

but right now when it comes to what I’m doing for my life: I’m not talking to my dad, I’m drying through school, studying for my boarding exam, and I’m spending a lot of time on self-care. I see my therapist 2 times a week, shower daily, workout daily- I run, and I look great to tell ya the truth, but what am I doing? What’s the end game? Be rich. oh! Just thought of something to start paying attention to: putting money into my Roth IRA. I think I have one, but nothing is in it, and I don’t know how much I’m allowed to put in, and I don’t know how to get good interest off it. I also would like to buy a couple more stocks. Apparently crypto is smart. You can hold money in the accounts and make money that way. Not actually from your home account, but through the crypto profile.

[finallybecomingemo]

I honestly don’t like being this deep. But look where not being deep got me. I‘ve admired different people during different times of my life. Now I can’t really talk to anyone. I’m a little too real and I wasn’t like this before.

[finallybecomingemo]

I paid for my passport to Brazil. Everything should come together by the time I have to go. I also have to complete the last bit of school I have left. I can definitely do it, and I’ll do it well. I’m still working out at a normal amount. I tend to go overboard in everything I do. Still figuring out why that is, but I hope that whatever the reason, it gets me farther along. I care a lot about being ahead because I always think about how behind I am. I can’t help it. So many things about my upbringing make me not fit the norm. I don’t have parents that stayed together, they’re divorced, and my dad’s dating someone else. Which is fine, but I also didn’t hold myself from going off on her. So there’s just a lot that I’m a part of and am doing myself that I wouldn’t word as “class”. I feel like both my families were classy until they had me. Thank god I’m graduating school, but I don’t belong anywhere.

[finallybecomingemo]

Week of shit

It’s been about a week of feeling like shit. I can tell something is about to happen and I’m coming to something great. Just everything in me wants to give up. I’m about to graduate school, I’ve been at it for 7-8 years, jesus christ. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I put my heart in soul into this degree. So glad it’s about to happen, too bad I’m feeling everything else at the same time. Feelings of “you’re not good enough to change your life”, “hurry, screw up and get off course so you don’t have to experience greatness”, “don’t get over this”, just no’s and not yet’s all around me. Why don’t I want to move on from my life? Why don’t I want to leave the past behind me and say “Good job.” It’s what I hate about myself. But at least I’m still going to the gym. Today it took 2 pre-workouts, but hey I did everything I wanted to at the gym, so that’s great. I just can’t shake this feeling of emptiness, and anxiousness to fuck up my entire life. Which is why I am in my room over at the place I rent from, instead of with my mom. I have candles lit here, and was even wanting to have my username be “candlesinthedarkworld”. I do think I’m finally becoming emo though, at least right now. I would love for this to be my personality all the time, but not care about anything. Not quite stoned, just not seeing a point to anything. I feel like life is calmer and slowed down now. Anyway, I wanted to write about how I wanted to kill my dad and his girlfriend. I hate them entirely and want them to both be dead. I was at the gym today thinking about it. Now I forsure can’t ever put my name on here lol. I’m actually just surrounded by a completely quite environment right now, with my crackling candle making the sound of a campfire. Except I’m in a controlled environment. Which is exactly what I need. I actually get depressed when I’m out in nature. The nothingness of the clear, quiet outside, mountains and trees, wind. Makes me feel so empty inside, and like I should do something- but I am so at a loss as to what. I hope I make friends on here. Anyway, yeah death to my dad and his gf, and I sent her a nice text today but the bitch blocked me. I apologized for throwing her shoes away and calling her rude names. I’m trying to do therapy with my dad, you have no idea how much I want to give up on that man. He cheated on my mom, didn’t want her to have me, he lied to us all our lives. I want nothing more than to be a millionaire so he can suck my dick. I just want to show him how it’s done. What someone with their shit together looks like. What someone of honor and respectful values looks like and does with their life. How they behave. What they agree to, what they take control with, what they take initiative with. But honestly, all that resentment and angry motivation, makes me just want to let go of it all. So I’m figuring out what I want to do. That was the plan for the last year, a little more if I’m being completely honest. I hated him for not holding his own and paying my school. You said you would, now that I’m in...you’re...just...not? I contemplated everything and then went to a depression hospital, I wanted to kill my boyfriend at the time too. Thank god I didn’t because I’m actually trying to get back with him now. We’ll see how that goes! I can’t imagine someone liking a psychopath like me. Anyway, as hard as it is to create a plan of action for me to get through this tough time, I think I made the best decision to come to my place, ignore my crazy roommate downstairs and play dark Kid Cudi loud, take a hot shower and write with candles lit. It smells really good, and I smell really good. I am making 2 appointments a week with my therapist now that I’m feeling this funk. I think that’s also a good decision I’m making. I post on social media- I know there are mixed feelings about that, but I like being as connected as I can, I just don’t know when I’m crossing a line and posting “not” normal stuff. Like I gotta show the people what I am right? A fuckin depressed person that overworks herself and cares about what she’s doing. That’s normal right? Except I’m not quite like everybody else... I’m pretty eccentric. We can thank my Dad for that. 

But I think that just continuing with my progressive therapy, working- though that’s the last thing I want to do- I need the money. I have no investing skills and I need to figure this life shit out if I’m going to be a millionaire just for the sake of my own needs, desires and comfort. There are actually people out there who don’t want a million dollars, but ask anyone who knows me- I’m amazing when it comes to my work ethic. I might act like I’m selfish, stuck up (I think I come off like I’m stuck up, cuz I don’t ask people how they’re doing very often- I feel like I’m always intruding so I’m getting better at it... but I just don’t ask really. but becoming a better person takes learning so I’m on my way anyway.) not taking anything seriously like people’s relationship issues- but idk, honestly you’re going to get so annoyed of me the second I do. BUT I work really hard and am always thinking about how I can be a better person. Just right now it’s especially hard, and I am taking part in risky behavior, like speeding, enjoying driving, not so much sex, cuz I wanna get my ex back, but geez I’ve had like 25 partners. So much dick inside me. Oh well.