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[flourishedandsunkissed]

It’s Another Day of Sun, But It’s Partly Cloudy

I know I wrote a long post about why I love La La Land before, but this won’t get off my mind.

I skipped my media class today because I was being demolished by my sinus infection and cramps. I decided to watch La La Land again after having been on a kick listening to the soundtrack again. I listen to Another Day of Sun when I’m stuck in traffic because it does truly cheer me up. But I hadn’t realized I forgot what the opening actually looked like. I’m always on the verge of tears of joy when I listen to the song but seeing the scene again engulfed me. They were tears of joy and then they were tears of longing. When the all went over to the box truck and people of every color and culture danced together having the time of their lives in traffic, I broke. I was so upset. Because that’s not what real life looks like right now. Even though La La Land does a tremendous job of letting real life break down the door after every fantastical number, this idealization really got to me. I wished so bad that this was what real life was. Diversity, respect, and fun. Reality is me being afraid of being stopped by security cutting through the parking lot to my apartment at night because I’m black and walking faster at night because I’m female. Reality is divisive politics. It seems every day I wake up to a worse headline. Reality is the orange man’s administration trying to de-educate and kill poor people. It’s tokenism and pathological lies and fear. Why can’t we all dance together clothed in the rainbow? I kept thinking to myself, “why isn’t life like this? Why is life so scary? And hard?” I didn’t want to stop crying because I hadn’t felt it all yet but I had to because it was giving me a migraine. And then I heard my roommate in the kitchen so I got up, went to the bathroom, and made it look like I had been rubbing my red eyes and that’s why my mascara was everywhere and not because I’m scared, tired, and upset. Real life even interrupted my feelings about it.

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self discipline tips

here are tips I discovered very recently:

something is better than nothing. 5 minutes of work are better than zero. Just because you missed something on your schedule doesn’t mean you can’t still work on it, even for 5 minutes. Grow and build on this.

second drafts / reviews can be done after.

Don’t think you are going to do your very best work on the first try. Take the weight of perfectionism off your shoulders.

don’t think about doing it. just do it as fast as you can.

build on your productivity, not your failures.

If you come from a past of procrastinating and now feel motivated to change and discipline yourself, do NOT try to do everything at once.

if you have a set of different goals to accomplish, begin with the most important one. Wait until the rotine of working for that one settles in (you feel productive and comfortable-ish), and then begin with the next. Repeat.

this way you’ll be building your way up and not juggling everything at the same time, hoping everything works out.

be patient with yourself, you’ll get there!

set smaller deadlines for your goals

have monthly and weekly-ish deadlines

e.g. if you are doing a project, due 22nd Feb, set personal deadlines, like have Introduction written by 2nd Feb, have Methods written by 10th Feb, have project complete by 18th Feb.

take them as seriously as you possibly can, don’t miss out on yourself.

write realistic daily tasks and don’t stop until you finish them. after them you can do whatever you want

on writing realistic daily tasks, the secret is knowing you can only do so much in one day, but trusting you can accomplish everything in the course of any period of time (a week, or 2 weeks or a month, etc.) because you will combine the work from all these different days.

it’s very tempting to write down all the tasks you need to accomplish in one day to just get over with it, but the real deal is you won’t accomplish half of them. You’ll feel very unproductive then, wich leads to demotivation.

spread daily tasks in the time necessary.

have a consistent sleep schedule.

if your mind isn’t ready everything will fall apart.

have one rest day per week where you plan nothing, do whatever you want except studying. this can be harder than you expect!

(don’t forget these are effective only if you actually put them into practice! good luck babes!!)

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There’s a powerful magic about being a writer that I still marvel at.

Sidney Lumet (in his textbook ‘Making Movies’)

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The Awkward Yeti

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Music: Personal Best of 2016

On the last day of 2016 I made a thread of the songs I thought were the best that year from albums I loved. This isn’t all inclusive or definitive. I also haven’t listened all the way through all of these albums, honestly, so some will just be songs that were introduced to me by Nathan Zed’s amazing playlists. Also, there will be A LOT of links here because you should listen to these songs. Here we gooo!

Infatuation - All-American Trash BROCKHAMPTON

This song. This mixtape. This group. I knew of Kevin Abstract because The Neighbourhood took him under their wing and had him open for them. I paid a little attention to him, but then Nathan Zed put Camp Green Lake on a playlist and I fell in love. I saw that the label was BROCKHAMPTON and I found just the name pleasing. I listened to Dirt and it was immediately what I wanted it to be. I decided to listen to their mixtape All-American Trash and was enthralled and infatuated (wink wink). It’s an incredible project and far from trash.

For this song in particular, I can’t even pin what I love--it’s everything. The melody, the strange second verse, the imagery it gives me, how cool it sounds, its flow, the beautiful way the singing, rapping, and beat come together. EVERYTHING.

Runners Up: Palace (very close second), Cotton Hollow

American Boyfriend - American Boyfriend Kevin Abstract

It is so hard to choose a favorite from this marvelous album. I thought MTV1987 was a masterpiece and Kevin kept tweeting his new album was “pop as f***.” I wasn’t sure I was ready. To be honest, it wasn’t my favorite upon first listen but I was into it. Then I decided I wanted to see him live and that I needed to appreciate the album in all its glory so I listened to it again and I had no idea what I was thinking before. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I think the titular song is my favorite, it’s exceptionally difficult to choose. I’m all about cinematics, and this song sounds like the slow motion sequence in every teenage romance movie you’ve ever seen--but in a good way. It’s simple but tells a story. It makes you want to slow dance at prom again then cry yourself to sleep. That may not sound appealing to some, but that’s pretty much my aesthetic.

Honorable Mention: Empty. Wow. This song. This is why it’s so hard to choose. Again, cinematic grandeur is highly appealing to me and the beginning of this song emulates that song. It sounds like a journey through a high school outcast’s day, you can see everything he’s going through. By the chorus, it appears to be a love song to another person, but it’s more about a vicious cycle of home struggles and consequent self-loathing. When looked at that way, the chorus sounds more like a deep need for support. I think it’s important that music tells an honest story and doesn’t try to be popular. Also, this song over all is just beautiful.

Runners Up (extremely close, basically they’re all in first): Empty, Miserable America

Me and Your Mama - “Awaken, My Love!” Childish Gambino

Most people have turned onto Redbone now, which is fine, but this song will always be close to my heart. I can envision this song, I’ve lived this song, and I’ve literally felt this song. 

I was one of the lucky people that got to go to PHAROS back in September. Here’s the thing about Gambino: an album is not just a release, it’s an artistic event. He doesn’t put music out for money and notoriety, and doesn’t go halfway. I was too late for the era of Camp, but for Because the Internet, the man created a short film that connected BTI and Camp and wrote an entire screenplay for the album along with visuals for each song. For “Awaken, My Love!”, he brought PHAROS to life; a live album listening party/music festival. Complete with food trucks, an art gallery, and a theater to screen the first two episodes of Atlanta. And when he performed his album, he didn’t just sing his songs--he put on a show. I’ll go into more detail about it later, but this album was an event, not a music release. 

I didn’t know the words or even the titles at the time, but Me and Your Mama was without a doubt my favorite when I heard it live. I didn’t even know it and I still fully appreciated it. When he released it and I finally got to hear the words, I was taken. I was already in love with him but this song made me go deeper. I remember saying, “This is the shortest 6 minute I’ve ever heard.” At a certain point with most songs that run long, you get bored. I’ve never got bored with this song, because like I said: I’ve lived this song.

For some people it’s lost love, for me it’s unrequited. It can go either way. But let me break this down.

In the first 2 minutes, I’m floating through space. A choir is singing me through space and what they’re saying may not completely make sense but in the most wonderful way. I can hear the stars twinkling. The bass begins to intensify and I’m rising and rising, and then it drops and I’m falling through a tear in the universe. I’m falling falling falling, there’s nothing I can do to catch myself. And the devil laughs at my demise. “LET ME INTO YOUR HEART.” I don’t have to write about that. I keep falling and it gets more desperate, you can hear it in Gambino’s voice. Even the choir screams. I’ve been falling for 2 minutes, then something catches me. And it becomes dejected acceptance. There are no lyrics, no choir, no twinkling stars or even laughing devil. I’m back on earth and I take a long walk home. For the last 2 minutes.

I’ve felt it too many times not to know. The song can feel different for everyone, it probably means something different to Gambino based on the title, but I know this is what it is for me.

I love it because of what it means, because the extremity, pain, and desperation in Gambino’s beautiful voice, because of the way he sectioned off, giving each a mind of its own that becomes one coherent story.

Runners Up: Redbone, Zombies

Janet - Berhana - EP Berhana

I’ll be honest, I haven’t listened to this whole EP, and I haven’t searched for a deep meaning in this song, I just like the way it sounds. It makes me want to sway in someone’s front yard and drink pineapple juice. I also love his voice. This was another song I found because of Nathan Zed.

Seigfried - Blond Frank Ocean

I’m not even really a Frank Ocean fan. I feel nothing about Channel Orange vs Blond/e, I have selective favorites on both albums. For this album, it was a labor to choose my favorite but I decided on Seigfried. Just because of the way it makes me feel. I also love singing along to it. It sounds like the kinds of movies I love watching and want to make. By now, you probably just think I’m an emo youngin. You’re... not wrong. But I’m okay with that. Because feeling people make some damn beautiful music. And art overall.

One thing I really love about this song is this sequence:

This, this fe-, this feel This feel, this feels This feels ironic This feels ironic Ironic, this feels ironic Ironic

If those are the lyrics, I’ve seen others. But it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that it restricts my breath. The fact that the confusion in the melody makes me tear up. In Flight of the Navigator, Gambino says, “And even when you laughed, you cried / And even when you were sad, you were really happy” and that part of Seigfried emulates that even better than Flight of the Navigator.

I also love Frank’s “monologue” toward the end; “Speaking of nirvana, it was there.” I can see it, I can feel it.

Runners Up: Pink + White, Skyline To, Self Control (they’re all in first place a third one is okay)

Slave - Bobby Tarantino Logic

I’m going to make a bit of a bold statement: Logic is the best rapper I listen to. As for discography and fan factor, I’m not as into him as I am Gambino, even Kanye. But his flow. Is unbelievable. When I was driving home today, this song came on and I just started screaming. 44 Bars and Deeper Than Money are extremely close seconds (that’s happened a lot while making this playlist and you can see). ANYWAY, what I’m saying is, his flow is the best out of all the rappers I listen to. It’s smooth as hell, rarely makes me laugh or shake my head, and puts me in awe of his talent no matter how many times I’ve heard the song. I can’t exactly explain why I chose this song over the other two, it just felt right.

Runners Up: 44 Bars, Deeper Than Money

All Night - Coloring Book Chance the Rapper

I wrote on twitter: “this song is so much fun it makes me wanna actually go outside & live.” That basically sums it up. I haven’t listened to all of Coloring Book yet because it takes me 20 years to get around to everything that’s good for me, but out of what I’ve heard, this is definitely my favorite. It makes me think one of the only parties I’ve actually had fun at and just puts me in a good mood, what else do I need? Yet another song Nathan Zed introduced me to.

Greedy - Dangerous Woman

Ariana Grande

I don’t care that Ariana Grande doesn’t write her own music and that all her songs are implicitly about sex, her talent is UNREAL. She’s one of the few uber famous pop divas that can actually sing and she’s not just “good.” Her voice gives me chills and she is a force to be reckoned with. Again, so hard to choose. It was even hard to choose the runners up. But Greedy had be from literally the first half a second. The first time I heard “GREEEEEDAAAYYYY” I thought, “THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG.” This song is a ton of fun and just one that displays her vocal ability.

Honorable Mention: Leave Me Lonely. A powerful and deeply emotional song that she sings with such care. Another song I can feel and that definitely displays her range. Also, Macy Gray is a great addition.

Runners Up: Leave Me Lonely, Bad Decisions

Daydream - Single Medasin

I was introduced to Medasin through Masego who I was introduced to by--you guessed it--Nathan Zed. I love Masego and Medasin’s collaboration album and thought I should look a bit deeper into Medasin. This song makes me want to sway and salsa by the beach drinking limeade. It’s like I can taste and smell it. And I do think it perfectly characterizes a daydream.

Dang! - The Divine Feminine MAC MILLER

If there’s any album I know I need to listen to all the way through it’s The Divine Feminine. I’m getting there, I promise. Dang! is another song that’s too fun and too groovy. This was just about everyone’s favorite and it’s easily apparent why.

Runners Up: Stay, My Favorite Part

In Your River - Don’t Explain - EP Snoh Aalegra

This song gives me 60s nostalgia. It’s cinematic and marvelous. My brother explained that this style is called Brills Building. It’s quite reminiscent of the Mad Men theme for a reason. Also, it samples Stark’s Reality by BADBADNOTGOOD & Ghostface Killah. It all comes together wonderfully. This woman’s voice is incredible. It’s rough and smooth at the same time, and again, gives you 60s nostalgia from the upperclass side, even if you didn’t live through them.

Bad Blood - For All We Know NAO

If any song made me feel in 2016, it’s this one. It’s become the theme of a situation for me. Her voice is a new, refreshing one to me. She doesn’t “sound like” anyone to me. And I can identify with the hurt and contempt she emits through this song. Especially in the bridge. I haven’t listened to this whole album, but I know I should soon.

Highlights - The Life of Pablo Kanye West

I listened to this song just about every day for 3 weeks on my trek across campus to class. I love this album overall, although Graduation is my favorite, but I chose this one because it’s another that’s so much fun and that makes me want to go out, dance, and live. And the lyrics are GUTS.

Honorable Mention: Low Lights. The first time I heard it I thought, “oh that’s cool.” Then when I was really going through something and God kept me yet again, it hit my soul. All I can remember is raising my hand to Heaven, truly crying my soul out, and praising and thanking God for being so gracious and everything He’s done for me, especially when I didn’t deserve it. Because I never have. I still don’t. It’s not really Kanye’s song, but I’m grateful he put it on the album or I might’ve never heard it. I want a tattoo of a lyric from it, I just haven’t decided which.

Runners Up: Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1, Freestyle 4

Wifeable - Loose Thoughts Masego

This song, this album, this man -- all SO much fun. So carefree and joy-inducing. My roommate and I always used to dance to this song. And I just think it’s cute!

Honorable Mention: Small Talk. “Small talk, small talk, we don’t want no small talk / Dancin, dancin, yeah we love that dancin”: my absolute theme song. I hate small talk. I could write a book about the menial things I’d rather do. But you know what I love? DANCIN.

Runners Up: Small Talk, Too Much

For Free - Major Key DJ Khaled feat. Drake

I think there’s only one other song on this album that I really love, but that’s not the point. THIS SONG IS FIRE. MY ROOMMATE AND I BUMP THIS NIGHTLY. IN THE CAR, ON THE WAY TO CLASS, IN MY SLEEP. I LOVE THIS SONG. And the only song that can match that is: Child’s Play - Views Drake

I don’t care about Drake and I have no opinion about this album but TELL ME WHY THIS SONG BECAME MY LIFE. AGAIN: EVERY CAR RIDE WITH MY FRIENDS, ON THE WAY TO CLASS, IN MY SLEEP, NIGHTLY WITH MY ROOMMATE, EVERY PARTY, PROBABLY THE DAY I QUIT MY JOB I LOVE THIS SONG.

Outside - The Ride Catfish & the Bottlemen

At first 7 was my favorite song. I’m listening to it right now. It still is. But there’s something about Outside. There is something about Outside. I think because it’s so lovely but so desperate. It’s soft, longing and nostalgic, then aching, reluctant then forceful. Tortured. Regretful. Angrily apologetic. Then it starts all over again. It’s a painful memory and a remorseful giving in. I’m still trying to determine the significance of a cut-off instead of a true ending. It’s like an abrupt ending to the story, to the emotion. Like someone walked in you crying. Or invalidated your feelings.

Honorable Mention: 7. How could I not? My friend and I waited for this album for so long and finally someone put up a video of this song live. We were screaming our heads off. The last time Van cries, “And I’d beg you, but you know I’m never home / And I’d love you, but I need another second to myself” the emotion in his voice captures me. What I love about this album--and at first didn’t--is that every song is actually 2 or 3 songs. I plan on getting back to that thought.

Runnners Up: 7, Anything

Never Be Like You - Skin Flume

Another album and artist I’m sure I should listen to more of. This is one of the only songs that was playing everywhere all the time that I didn’t get sick of. Simply because it’s so beautiful. “Stop looking at me / with those eyes / like I could disappear / and you wouldn’t care why.”

Don’t Come to LA - Still Brazy YG

I’m not a YG fan and I don’t think gangs are cool. But some of his music is so hype I become a bit of a hypocrite. Not in the way that I support gang violence but that I support a gang member by bumpin his music because it’s too lit. I don’t want to but it’s SO GOOD. I love his West Coast sound.

Runners Up: Why You Always Hatin?, Twist My Fingaz

untitled 08 | 09.06.2014. - untitled unmastered. Kendrick Lamar

This song is sad in content, but it makes me want to dance. Not really out of joy, but for my goals and dreams. In “Sonny’s Blues,” James Baldwin writes, “...Sonny was playing that piano for his life.” That’s what it reminds me of. Although I’ve been quite privileged throughout my life, this song still resonates with me.

You’re banking on good luck, you wishing for miracles You never been through shit, you’re crying hysterical You settle for everything, complain about everything

This part of the third verse struck me when I paid close attention one day. I felt so condemned. This is entirely accurate in my life. Although I have been through some things, my parents still sheltered me. I’ve never been through anything like Kendrick’s been through. I shouldn’t compare, but I know I’ve had a fairly easy life. I’m so grateful, but having things handed to me has put me in the niche of settling when I can get or deserve better. And man, if I don’t complain about everything. How do I have the audacity? Overall this song means much more than just what that verse means to me, but it’s important either way.

However, when I just listen on the surface, it makes me want to flashback to the 70s and rollerskate/dance through San Francisco.

Vowels - Single HUNNY

HUNNY is just an amazing band. Their music is melancholy but makes you want to dance. The way The Breakfast Club makes you feel.

Do You Wanna Get High - Single BAD FEELINGS

I don’t remember how I came across this song, but it’s unquestionably sexy. I quickly considered it one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. I don’t even do drugs. And this isn’t even about the way it makes me feel, it’s just a well-written song in every aspect. And the raw emotion in the singer’s voice makes me love it more. And that guitar solo.

24K Magic - 24K Magic Bruno Mars

When this song dropped I said, “Bruno Mars know what I want.” I actually didn’t get too into this album and my mom thinks this is just Uptown Funk part 2, but I’m here for it. I love the 70s and it gives me a neo-70s (although others have said 80s... I guess a little bit of both). And you can’t not dance to this.

Honorable Mention: Perm. Another seriously fun song. That’s all.

That’s that. If you read through this whole thing, thank you! And thank you Nathan Zed for introducing me to some fantastic music.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

This isn't the Oscars, I'm not for anyone's consideration. I'm not anyone's surface story...I don't want to be good enough. I don't want to be a consolation prize. If I'm not it, that's fine, but never cast me as an understudy.

2/1/17

[flourishedandsunkissed]

A Film for a Fool Who Dreams

Obviously La La Land has taken the world and awards season by storm. I’ve only gotten to see it once so far, but I smiled through nearly the whole film, even when I was crying. But this isn’t a review of La La Land, and it isn’t about Mia and Sebastian’s romantic relationship, this is an entry explaining what it means to me as a dreamer, an artist, and as a little suburban girl.

Quick thought that’s always on my mind: When we say “Hollywood” we’re usually using the synecdoche for the film industry. However, I see it as the film industry, the music industry, and television–reality and fiction. This is the system that either creates or manufactures celebrities. 

I appreciated Mia and Sebastian’s deep investment in their respective aspects of Hollywood. Firstly because they’re able to teach other about what matters to them. Upon getting lost in San Francisco, my friend and I were discussing just that, film and music. He was teaching me about the intricacies of various genres and I shared with him what I think makes a film work. Additionally my brother has been trying to teach me about music my whole life. Some things I grasped and others I didn’t, but I appreciated being the student in someone’s passion. My brother doesn’t watch movies very often, but when he does I’m happy to engage in an enthusiastic dialogue. So simply, I can appreciate the dynamic because I’ve been a part of it and I think it’s realistic.

Secondly, they weren’t in it for the money. They weren’t looking for fame and wealth, that just became a benefit/detriment of pursuing their passions (well, I’m actually not sure if Sebastian was rich or famous in the LA area, but Seb’s seemed pretty popular). They were in it for the actual artistic value of their focus and the joy that it brought them. This is the way it should be. For the most part, I’ve been adamantly against the remakes and years-late sequels, and prequels studios have been spewing at consumers because they know they’ll do just that–consume the familiar. I’m not shaming you if you enjoy them, watch what you like. I’m shaming the studios for shunning creators of any age and background with big ideas and great stories to tell and opting for the get rich quick scheme that is piggybacking off of a story that was told well the first time and not even doing it justice. If you do care to end it though, stop watching those movies just because they’re there. The films I’m excluding from that tangent are those that have built a universe (Star Wars, Marvel, even DC, etc)–I don’t see them as exempt, but at least they’re working toward something. Even if it is about consumerism and capitalism to a degree, they’re bringing people joy and uniting nerds all over the planet! So back to the passion: that’s what should get anybody into it in the first place. That’s how you make good work. And honestly that’s what makes any effort worth it.

Thirdly, this was it for them. This was all they wanted. Deciding if sacrificing true love for your dreams is a different discussion that I’m not even sure of my stance on so I won’t go there. And I’m not saying having a back up plan is a cop-out, it’s a good idea. What I’m saying it wasn’t a hobby or a side hustle and then what do you know they made it! They didn’t settle. And I find that tremendously inspiring. We know it wasn’t without compromise or deciding at one point to give up, that’s more than realistic. And what’s even better is the support. Mia didn’t even want to go back to LA at first but Sebastian didn’t let her give up. And that’s what what kept it alive. She drove off on him and he crossed states to keep someone else’s dream alive. She endlessly supported him through his jazz dream even though it was her least favorite genre. I hope to have and to be that kind of friend.

And now to get specific with some songs…

Another Day of Sun Wowza. If you didn’t know already, by now you know I’m Californian. To open on a painfully crowded freeway was immediately hilarious because, again, it’s realistic here. Let me just add that this opening sequence is the most fantastic long take I have ever seen. Definitely a favorite of all time. The music itself makes me want to cry tears of joy because they’re stuck in the worst traffic ever and it’s so exuberant. I want to feel that way in traffic. Even more importantly: the lyrics. I’ve been on countless auditions. From Hollywood to my own campus. They’re awful. I’ve never had an experience as bad as Mia’s, but I’m sure her story is far from an exaggeration. I hate how they say “thank you” with no expression and look at you like Death when you’re giving it all your life. But this song. It encourages you not to fear rejection or take it as defeat. From the beginning it’s about following your dreams, being optimistic despite expressionless executives and endless auditions with no callbacks. It’s about getting back on your feet because the only way you’ll truly be defeated is if you give up on yourself. This is one of the toughest industries to break into and no one (without the advantage of marvelous connections) makes it on their first try.

City of Stars “City of stars / Just one thing everybody wants” Half the people you meet in Southern California want something to do with Hollywood. People from all over the world want something to do with Hollywood. That’s not a bad thing. I hope we all take it over and build it up to be what it should’ve been from the beginning. I want it, my friends want it, my brother and cousins want it. And just looking at LA driving in from the suburbs fills me and my friends with excitement from the beauty of the skyline and who we might overhear or see that day. It’s an interesting place. All the kids from the suburbs want to live in the city whether they want a piece of Hollywood or not just because we’re so bored with everything home lacks. So for me this song isn’t just about love and opportunity, but my love affair with LA and cities in general. Even though I’ve come to terms with the fact that I could never live in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Santa Monica, or probably even San Diego proper, their lights, their history, their food, their beauty still has me.

Audition (The Fools Who Dream) Where do I even start. I’m forever filled with overwhelming appreciation for this song. I felt the excitement with Mia when she started working on her one-woman show, the anxiety with her when she finally executed the show, her disappointment with the turn out and lack of Sebastian, her defeat upon returning home, her dejection with the statement, “maybe I’m not good enough,” and her nerves upon entering into this last audition. I’ll always remember how the guest speaker at my high school graduation unceasingly praised the STEM students and seemed to render the artistic students useless. That stupid, painful, insulting Wells Fargo campaign. And just the way America treats budding artists in general. I’m a film major right now and sometimes undermine myself by worrying about how “liberal” I’m being. A film major with a minor in Italian studies? And an unofficial emphasis in creative writing? All of my roommates are STEM majors and they lament how much easier school is for me and I joke saying, “It’s okay! Because you know what? You’ll get a job!” I am a bit afraid. I shouldn’t have to be. Freshman year the popular question is “What’s your major?” and I always winced a little before telling everyone else film. But they thought it was fantastic. People have been telling me for years, “Don’t forget me when you make it on the big screen” after seeing me perform or reading my writing and you’d be surprised at how afraid I am of letting them down. I unfortunately consider myself a bit of a fool because of the way the system treats my mind and how part of me has bought into it. But look at me, I’m still dreaming. And I love working with people who are too. We matter. I admire people in STEM and business, but that’s not all there is. If everyone went off to be a scientist, who would write the music that relieves your stress, motivates you, and brings you and your friends together? Who would create your endless hours of entertainment on the plethora of streaming services you spend your hard earned money subscribing to? We matter. Don’t treat us like fools then praise us years later for diverging. “She told me / A bit of madness is key / To give us new colors to sing / Who knows where it will lead us / And that’s why they need us / So bring on the rebels / The ripples from pebbles / The painters and poets and plays” I always remember that speech when I hear that part. It feels like a call to action. And I plan to mobilize. 

Thank you to everyone that supports me, I appreciate you more than I can articulate. More importantly than remembering you “when I get to the big screen,” I’ll remember you whenever I dare think, “maybe I’m not good enough.” 

To the public school system who tries to program us and the corporations who want us to be their robots and ignore our skills, to the studios that are running out of ideas on their own:

You need us. Don’t forget.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

In Addition...

Part of the Gatsby project was writing our own poem and explicating our work.

And so…

“The Pru-phobic Epidemic” by Gabriella Nicole

Why is it written the way that it’s written? 

I find that quite important.

Why am I me,

Why am I so observant?

I’ll tell you what I am,

Cowardly.

I’ve never met anyone more afraid of the truth

Than me.

I stay behind so I don’t bother anyone.

But maybe I’m just overthinking

And missing all the fun.

And if anyone cares for it, the explication paper:

I chose the epigraph from one of Juliet’s many monologues in Romeo and Juliet (Act 3, Scene 2) because Juliet is speaking to two characters: the black of the night and her love, Romeo. In my poem, Myrtle is also speaking to two characters: Tom and Wilson. The modern English translation of this epigraph is:

Hide the wild blood fluttering in my cheeks

With your black robe until unfamiliar love grows bold

And believes that enjoying true love is really a modest act.

Come, night! Come, Romeo! You’re my light in the night.

You will lie on the wings of night

Even whiter than freshly fallen snow on a raven’s back.

Wilson could be compared to the black of the night because black is a negatively associated color and Wilson does not make Myrtle happy. Tom could be compared to Romeo because he is the one Myrtle truly loves, and he is her “light in the night”; he brightens up her life even though she is stuck with Wilson. Myrtle similar to Juliet in the way her love is forbidden and she dies.

Myrtle, as Juliet, could be saying, “I must hide my blushing cheeks until my relationship with Tom grows stronger and since true love is modest and Tom is the one I truly love, my actions are modest.” The line saying “you will lie on the wings of night” would mean that all of Tom’s actions would done close to Wilson; it’s actually ironic because white represents purity and there is nothing pure about his actions.

In the first stanza, Myrtle is speaking to Tom. She is telling him to come to the Valley of Ashes and take her away. “Like an addict and his drug” pertains Tom’s addiction to cheating, and Myrtle, his mistress, is his drug. The leather seats of his coupe “tell” Myrtle that she’ll have a good night, meaning that as long as she’s with Tom she’ll have a good night. Myrtle doesn’t want to return to Valley of Ashes though she has no choice; she sees it as a “penniless hell.” Boisterous means loud, unscrupulous means showing no morals, and revile means to criticize in an angry manner. These are characteristics of an untamed child; also, alcohol can cause the drinker to display these characteristics. Alcohol can also bring someone to an unfaithful feeling, causing them to cheat on their spouse. Myrtle tells Tom not to ask, “Who do you think we’ll see?” because in chapter two of The Great Gatsby, Tom and Myrtle sit in different train cars due to the “East Eggers” who ride the train.

The refrain of this poem is meant to be sexist. Because cars were a relatively new invention in the 20’s and racism and sexism were prevalent, it is a stereotype that women shouldn’t know anything about cars and that they are a virile subject.

The black fog that slithers through the road represents a melanistic (all-black) Ratsnake, and vice versa. I chose the color black because that would be the color of the smog that floats through the Valley of Ashes. It “coils its body atop the black of the moon” meaning that it rests above the moon at its new stage. The black fog delights in the struggle of its prey, the poor people who work the Valley of Ashes. It “condones the destruction in the construction” meaning that it accepts and supports the destruction of not only the earth that new buildings causes, but of the humans that construct it. Due to lack of safety regulations, many men died during the construction of cities. It slides by Michaelis’ place and bares its teeth because though he meets no demise, he is still a victim; it only bares its teeth, it doesn’t bite. The fog is made aware of the warm July night and settles upon the post of a porch.

Two words might stick out the next stanza: “honey” and “space.” In “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” does not address anyone, he simply says “there will be time”; however, I wanted Myrtle to use the term of endearment because she is still speaking to Tom. I initially planned on using the word place but changed it to space because space indicates a time and a place. She tells Tom there will be a time and a place for the smog of the Valley of Ashes, to hide all the whiskey he’s not supposed to have in this time of prohibition—though those bottles have probably touched the lips of his colleagues because the rich had alcohol, and to destruct morals and relationships and build new ones, just like city buildings. She tells him there will be space for “all the trophies and flowers of East Egg”; these trophies and flowers not only represent the numerous trophies Tom has won the flowers that decorate the interior and exterior of his mansion, but Daisy, too. Daisy is basically Tom’s trophy wife; he uses her for display because if he truly loved her he would be faithful and, Daisy is named after a flower. Daisy holds and drops Tom’s heart just as he does hers because she is cheating on him, too and his heart has been chilled because he is selfish. “A million pieces of dough” represents Tom’s money. I chose “million” and “dough” because he is a millionaire and dough is a euphemism for money. The “blows” represent Tom’s insults and his abuse of Myrtle. Bordeaux is a French wine and while they might not have drunk this specific type of alcohol, it represents everything they did drink. She tells Tom there will be space for all these things before they leave for the cheap apartment party in the city.

Myrtle tells Tom there will be a time and a place to figure out how to leave Daisy and to untangle the web of lies they’ve both weaved. On page 167 of The Great Gatsby, Wilson tells Myrtle she can fool him but she can’t fool God because God sees everything; at this point he knows about her affair. On page 30, Nick describes Myrtle as wearing a “spotted dress of dark blue crêpe-de-chine” when he first sees her. “How do I leave to caress the face of happiness?” replaces Prufrock’s “Do I dare disturb the universe?” Myrtle is questioning how she leaves Wilson so she can “caress the face of happiness”—Tom. In the end, she does leave, but not by choice. And she ends up leaving both Wilson and Tom for Death. Space will condense blows and Bordeauxs because eventually there will be so much of the two that there will not be enough time or space which means they’ll have to be crowded together to make space for more.

Since Myrtle is the wife of a mechanic, she has seen all the terrible conditions a car can be in. She has measured out her life with gifts from Tom since she gets nothing from Wilson. She knows the “withering” faces—the faces of the poor. And their call for help withers away under the roaring of the machines and tools in the Valley of Ashes. Myrtle feels desolate when she’s at home and wants to know how to feel alive inside.

When Myrtle says she has known “the hands that nail me to a bed,” she means Tom’s, sexually, and Wilson’s when he locks her in the room. “Straggling on a wrench” means that Myrtle is spread out in an untidy way not upon a literal wrench, but a wrench in her heart. She wants to know how to end the dreadful power of stress and how to end her imprisonment in Wilson’s garage, the Valley of Ashes, and unhappiness.

Myrtle says she has known the muscular, peach, and hairy arms—characteristics that describe both Tom and Wilson. She says in the darkness their arms are “relentless and scary” referring to Tom’s breaking her nose and Wilson’s shoving her up against a window. She asks, “Is it oil from an engine that causes all my tension?” meaning is it Wilson’s work that causes her emotional strain. Arms that work a tool are Wilson’s and arms that swing a polo mallet are Tom’s.

In this three line stanza, Myrtle is speaking to Wilson. On page 30, Tom says: “He thinks she goes to see her sister in New York. He’s so dumb he doesn’t know he’s alive.” So Myrtle would have told the lie before that that is the reason for her ventures to the city. On page 166, after Myrtle’s death, Tom shows Michaelis the leather and braided silver dog leash she bought for the Airedale Tom let her have. She says Wilson “blindly trusts” Tom. Even after he figured out Myrtle was cheating on him, he never really found out with who, and still had a good relationship with Tom after Myrtle’s death (before he killed himself). She is also saying Wilson is dumb.

In the next stanza, Myrtle says that she wasn’t meant to be poor and that she should have been “a clad of gold and diamond jewelry” which represent wealth. So, instead of reducing herself like Prufrock does, she amplifies herself, saying she was meant to live in the Eggs and not in the Valley of Ashes.

The “violent dancing” of the moon parallels the drunken party that happened in Tom and Myrtle’s apartment and the saxophone music played by the Negroes makes it more beautiful. Myrtle asks if she should, after all the drinking, smoking, and gossiping, bring the energy down and tell Tom that he means the world to her even though their relationship might not truly express it. She says that even after she’s lied and cheated, she’s gotten to wear a chiffon afternoon dress (described on page 35) but even despite that, she’s no flower—which again is ambiguous for Daisy. She says, “I’m no flower—I’m the antithesis,” meaning that though she has gotten all these nice things she is still, in truth, the opposite of Daisy. Father Time represents reality because no matter where one’s mind is, time is passing. It cannot be turned back or forward.

Next, Myrtle asks if she had gone to great extents to make Tom love her more, enough to leave Daisy, if any of it would have meant anything if he just ended up saying she’s not what he wants at all. Semele was one of the many lovers of Zeus, she was tricked by Hera into telling Zeus to show her all his splendor after he said he would give her anything she wanted and she died.

Myrtle saying, “God, I feel so filthy!” is ironic because she never felt remorse before, cheating on her husband and helping someone else cheat on his wife; she doesn’t feel filthy until she feels Tom doesn’t love her anymore. “…as if a bar of soap had been my therapy” means physically cleansing herself might make her feel better on the inside.

On line 111, Myrtle finally directly addresses Daisy and uses a play on words—“I will never bloom to be,” nothing she ever does will make her like Daisy or better than Daisy. She says she is not Daisy, she is just an adulteress. Licentious means unprincipled in sexual matters. Myrtle describes herself as urban because she prefers the city. She ends giving herself the title “the Hedonist,” the lover of pleasure.

Myrtle says she grows tired; tired of Wilson, tired of her lifestyle, tired physically.

The angels Myrtle refers to are the rich. They grin because they have all they need, want and more; they show off their teeth because their teeth are worth showing off. She says they’ll never sincerely grin at her, meaning no matter how close she becomes to the wealthy, she will never be one of them. She has smelled their “green and white aroma,” green represents money and white represents purity and pearls, which wealthy women, and Daisy herself, own.

The “gates of heaven” represent the gates that often guard the rich’s homes and heaven is their mansions and all they hold. Destitute means poverty-stricken. The devastatingly poor awake people those who strive for riches.

“The Pru-phobic Epidemic” is a poem I wrote to convey my feelings and relate to the character of J. Alfred Prufrock. “Pru-phobic” to me means not being afraid of Prufrock but sharing his fears. It’s an epidemic because it is not only me who thinks this way. Prufrock himself might wonder why things are written the way they’re written, why he’s written the way that he’s written. I do. I think of all the things that have happened to me so far in this year of high school and wonder how they all affect my future and what they mean. Prufrock might wonder how the women talking of Michelangelo might affect his future or even his fear of eating a peach. We all wonder at some point why we are who we are and why we’re not someone else; we wonder why good things happen to people we know and not us, we wonder why they have the things we want. I’ve realized that I have some things my friends long for, maybe the one thing that’s keeping them from being truly happy. Prufrock might wonder why another man has the privilege of being with the woman he loves and he doesn’t—even if talking to her did make a difference. However Prufrock could see himself as cowardly for not talking to her and telling her how he feels; he’s afraid of being misunderstood and maybe even afraid of the truth. We’re all afraid of the truth sometimes. So instead of risking being misunderstood, he says and does nothing, to keep himself from getting hurt… just as I do.

“The Prohibition” by John Donne relates to Myrtle’s character in the way that Myrtle wants Tom to beware of loving her. She is already married and a bit high strung. “Then, lest thy love, by my death, frustrate be, if thou love me, take heed of loving me”; Myrtle’s death will frustrate Tom’s love for her, so he must beware of loving her. He must also beware of hating her or taking out his anger on her because she could perish by it. However, he must love and hate her, which isn’t necessarily her rule. He must love her enough to keep her as a mistress but hate her enough not to leave Daisy.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

ATTENTION STUDYBLRS

Don’t worry about grades.

Don’t worry about that one bad assignment or that badly-marked paper.

Don’t worry about that presentation you had to do while stuttering with a shaky voice and clammy hands.

Don’t worry about what your peers think or view you as. That is not important, and I promise you they do not see what you think of yourself as. That little mistake you made during your presentation that you keep thinking about? Others forget about it minutes later.

Don’t feel guilty about having one day to yourself, for taking breaks. (Just don’t make a habit out of it and let it extend for over one day at a time.)

Don’t worry when you mistakenly prioritize. Step back, take a deep breath, and re-evaluate your priorities.

Don’t worry and stress about what you want to do in life, and what you want to pursue. Stressing about that won’t get you anywhere, just to a place filled with more stress and perhaps even regrets. Continue exploring and prevailing.

Don’t worry about failure. Life has a funny way of working things out.

Keep doing you – failures and grades do NOT define you.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

The Anthem of Myrtle Wilson

In 11th grade we were tasked with reimagining a character or scene from The Great Gatsby (which quickly became one of my favorite books and films). I thought I wanted to make a short film using Million Dollar Man by Lana Del Rey–I still think that’s a great idea–but it proved to be too difficult with my limited resources and casting options. So I turned to one of my other skills. Writing. And what came out of it was a different perspective of Gatsby through the T.S. Eliot poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” (a poem everyone who took that class now probably hates but I’m still quite fond) from a severely underappreciated character: Myrtle. We all know what she did wrong and her fate, but she still deserves a story. So I gave her one.

If you’ve never read “Prufrock”: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/detail/44212

12/17/13

The Anthem of Myrtle Wilson

Hood my unmann’d blood, bating in my cheeks,

With thy black mantle, till strange love grow bold,

Think true love acted simple modesty.

Come, night; come, Romeo; come thou day in night;

For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night.

Whiter than new snow on a raven’s back.

 Let’s retreat then, me and you,

It’s the Valley of Ashes we’ll leave through

Like an addict and his drug;

Let’s retreat through the unpaved streets,

The leather seats

Whisper our night will go well

Please don’t take me back to this penniless hell;

Bottles that yell like a boisterous child

Of scrupulous revile

To bring you to an unfaithful feeling…

Oh do not ask, “Who do you think we’ll see?”

Let’s just retreat to the city.

In the garage the men come and go

Talking of business women shouldn’t know.

The black fog that slithers through the road,

The black dust that hisses on the road

Coiled its body atop the black of the moon,

Cheered in the attrition of its prey,

Condoned the destruction in the construction,

Slid by Michaelis’, bared its melanistic teeth,

And hit by the patent July night,

Creeped up the post of the porch, and fell asleep.

And honey, there will be space

For the black dust that patrols the street,

Slithering through the street;

There will be space, there will be space

To hide all the whiskey that greets the lips of men you greet;

There will be space to destruct and build

And space for all the trophies and flowers of East Egg

That hold and drop your heart that’s been chilled;

Space for you and space for me,

And space yet for a million pieces of dough,

And for a million blow blows and Bordeauxs

Before the journey to the tawdry party.

In the garage the men come and go

Talking of business women shouldn’t know.

And honey, there will be space

To ponder, “How do I leave?” and, “How do I leave?”

Space to untangle this web that’s weaved,

With a pain in my eyes that shows how I grieve—

(He’ll tell me: “God sees everything!”)

My dark dress, my blue crêpe-de-chine,

My hair is curled and maybe overprimped, but it’s lost its sheen—

(I’ll tell him: “Go on and beat me!”)

How do I leave

To caress the face of happiness?

In a mansion there is space

For blows and Bordeauxs which space will condense.

For I have seen them all, honey, seen them all:

Have seen the busted engines and broken car doors,

I have measured out my life with gifts from my paramour;

I know the faces withering with a withering call

Beneath the roaring machines that rumble my floor.

  So how do I liven up my core?

And I have known the hands already, known them all—

The hands that nail me to a bed,

And when I am nailed, straggling on a wrench,

When I am nailed and writhing on the bedroom floor,

Then how should I end

The formidable ways of my duress and stress?   And how do I liven up my core?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—

Arms that are muscular and peach and hairy

(But in the darkness, relentless and scary!)

Is it oil from an engine

That causes all my tension?

Arms that work a tool, or swing a polo mallet.

 And should I then liven up my core?

 And how should I end?

 Shall I say, I have gone to the city to see Catherine

And bought a leather dog leash

With money from a man you so blindly trust?

I should have been a clad of gold and diamond jewelry

Jingling my way through the Eggs.

And the moon it dances so violently!

Adorned by the saxophone music,

Jiving … twisting … it’s almost abusive

Frolicking about the room, circling you and me.

Should I, after whiskey and cigarettes and scandal magazines,

Have the courage to tell you just what you mean to me?

But though I have cheated and bawled, cheated and lied

Though I have seen my figure (well in its thirties) garmented in a chiffon afternoon dress

I’m no flower—I’m the antithesis;

I have borne the attire of a goddess,

And I have felt Father Time grab me by the neck, and he was honest,

And in short, I was crestfallen.

And would it have meant a thing, in the end,

After the drinks, the affair, the phone calls

Among the elaborate dresses, among the lovely words spoken in the halls,

Would it have meant anything,

To have kissed your lips more sweetly,

To have left my heart more torn for you to mend

To drag it toward that unfaithful feeling,

To say: “I am Semele, lover of Zeus,

Show me all your splendor, bring my doubt to an end’—

If you, finding yourself in a wily ruse,

 Should say: “That is not what I want at all;

 Not what I want, at all.”

And would it have meant a thing, in the end,

Would it have meant anything,

After the secret apartment and the elevator rides and the moonlit streets,

After the “Town Tattle,” after the photographs, after the ten dollar dog that trots about the place—

All this, and the times we laid together on the chaise?—

God, I feel so filthy!

But as if a bar of soap had been my therapy:

Would it have meant anything

If you, finding a ruse or not answering my desperate call,

And taking the train home alone should say:

“Not what I want at all,

That is not what I want, at all.”

 No! I’m not Daisy, I will never bloom to be;

Am a deprived adulteress, quite licentious

To disturb a marriage, come off as pretentious,

Seduce a millionaire; no doubt a cinch

Secretive, running from reality,

Urban, unloyal, and scornful;

Full of resent, but at times very happy;

Most times, however, completely doleful—

Completely, most times, simply the Hedonist.

I grow tired … I grow tired …

I shall wear shorter heels with the rest of my attire.

Shall I change my dress again? Do I buy the Airedale another leash?

I shall dawn my crêpe-de-chine again, and walk it down the street.

I have seen the angels grinning, showing off their teeth.

I know they’ll never sincerely grin at me.

I have smelled their sweet green and white aroma

Drifting by the glass noses of buildings stacked high

When the sun shines golden in the translucent sky.

We have lurked about the gates of heaven

Near angels clothed with gowns of silk and feathers

Till the destitute clutch us, and end our endeavors.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

My Heart Captured

A little while ago on Twitter I did a thread of pictures I liked from 2016 that I never posted. Only a select few can make it Instagram, ya know. But since this blog is about what I love, I’m posting them here too.

January 11th

The view from the third floor landing in the house/dorm I lived in freshman year. I think this is a perfect picture of a Californian winter.

January 23rd

Idyllwild. Thanks to a work retreat I got to experience this beautiful view.

February 6th

The other window from the third floor landing. I was always fascinated with the colors of the sunsets every evening and how these windows would frame them.

February 15th

Huntington Beach. My love for the beach is unmatched. I’m always overwhelmed with love for the beauty of God’s creation here. And I think the people in the frame make it even more interesting and that much more wonderful.

March 18th

A perfect spring day around campus. I took these working on a campaign for my job and was in awe of everything I found. I used to hate spring because of the bugs and allergens, but this wonderful walk and photoshoot around campus changed my mind.

May 31st

This rose garden welcomes me every morning and I’m always happy to see it. Right now most of the bushes are bare, but some of my friends are beginning to bloom again.

June 4th

Los Angeles. The city of chaos I used to fear that now has my heart. It’s not the glimmering spectacle it used to be, we all know, but it still has its gems and its history.

June 9th

Everyone loves a good dog picture. This is my sister-in-law’s dog and I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure she’s the one that took this but it was too cute not to include.

June 10th

I love flowers; what other reason do I need?

June 15th

Urth Caffé, Pasadena. My best friend is on the other side. I eat so much junk while I’m in school it’s always great to get a healthy meal in. And when my best friend gets back from Australia, we’ll get tattoos and go back to Urth.

July 24th

China Beach, San Francisco. This place is stunning. Also in the neighborhood of what I like to call the Beverly Hills of SF (of course where my favorite houses are). Those are my parents at the top. I don’t know who those people are at the bottom, but I’d like to thank them for making that shot worth taking.

August 5th

Mammoth. My freshman year of high school I went to Mammoth for the first time with my parents, tagging along on my dad’s business trip. I fell so deeply in love, it stuck with me the way Catcher in the Rye did the following year. I wanted to carry it with me everywhere and I remembered the details. I was eager to get back as soon as we drove off. Unfortunately, it took 5 years to get back. But fortunately, I got to go back. And experience it in a different season. And this time my whole family was there. I’ll always miss this place. I know I said my love for the beach was unmatched, but the mountains are my other happy place. And out of all the mountain towns I’ve been to, I love this one the most, by far.

August 7th

Groveland. A small mountain town we stopped in on the way back north from Mammoth. Stopping here really made me understand small towns. And taught me not to expect good pasta from a small town saloon.

August 21st

San Francisco. I hate my parents being so far away but I love being able to see my friends in both Northern and Southern California. This was a fun day. My friend and I did have a plan, but it sort of fell through. And for once, I wasn’t even upset. Only one other time had I ever had that much fun getting lost in a big city. This time was different though. In LA we got lost while we were driving and there are so many areas that are mazes of their own. This time I wasn’t in the car and San Francisco always seems to let you find your way back. We thought we understood the bus system, we thought we had enough time for this, we thought that was closer. We were wrong and it was fantastic.

September 20th

Sunset again. My eyes will forever be infatuated.

October 25th

I was one of the lucky people that got to see Kanye on the Saint Pablo Tour before the rants and irate disruptions made their familiar comeback. I saw a bit of an unfamiliar Kanye. I’ll always remember how he said, “I would say, ‘THIS IS THE BEST F***ING SHOW YOU’VE EVER BEEN TO,’ but [someone] taught me how to be polite. So I just want to thank y’all for coming out, and I hope you’re enjoying the show.” He said it not ironically, but in genuine humility and gratefulness. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the best show I’ve ever been to and it wasn’t what I was expecting, but I did enjoy the show. I had a ton of fun. And I’ll always be convinced that we shared a moment. So thank you, Kanye.

November 11th

The Grove, Hollywood, Los Angeles. A place I sort of grew up going to. I’m sure that can be attributed to the addition of the American Girl Place. My friends and I can’t really shop here, but we keep going because well, we love LA and pretty sights.

December 8th

California Adventure, Anaheim. My favorite pretentious thing to say is that I grew up at Disneyland. But that’s because it’s true. I remember when Mickey’s silhouette sat in the loop of California Screamin’ and the sun was the face of the ferris wheel. I remember when they announced World of Color and Midway Mania. I actually remember seeing coverage of that ride on Disney 365. I remember when a worker explained that they were going to Dis-nify California Adventure. I remember when I told one of my best friends I would never ride California Screamin’ and she heartily agreed and apologizing to her years later because I did and it was awesome. There’s so much more, that’s just what’s in frame. If I have any other happy place, it’s here.

December 15th

The Sky. I didn’t want to fly out on a cloudy day because turbulence gives me anxiety. But then somehow I ended up on that plane in between the clouds. I marveled. Whenever I fly I think about how I shouldn’t be able to. I think about how on the ground, a cloudy day takes over everything. Our schedules, plans, and moods. Not even thinking that the sun is still shining above them. On Earth too, not just in space. I think that’s something I need to remember: clouds don’t replace the sun.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

Simplicemente Arrivederci

In Italian there’s arrivederci, and there’s addio. Addio means goodbye forever, I’m never coming back. Arrivederci is more of the goodbye we Americans say at the end of a hangout or a phone call, a goodbye that means see you soon that you say to a friend. Life is sort of weird when you literally grow up with a friend. You’re taking baths together playing with your limitless imaginations then you’re in college, one trying their hardest to keep it together and keep their passion, their imagination, another flying across the world to find something home was lacking. And that’s okay. You both know it’s not goodbye. It wasn’t goodbye when sleepovers every weekend turned to club events and rehearsals that turned to being an hour away and one just needs to sleep and the other has all the time in the world. It’s not goodbye but it’s weird because it’s growing up and you know you can’t go back. And you’re elated for new experiences but downcast because you’ll have to pause the driving just to drive and the concerts and everything in between. And you wish there was more time to screen this movie of your togetherness but you have to pause it because it’s time for school. And sometimes you’re fine and excited and other times the feeling hits you but it’s fine. Because there’s a stark difference between goodbye and I’ll see you soon.

[flourishedandsunkissed]

Weeds

I think when we talk about depression, we’re not always willing to admit where it stems from. Just that it’s there. It exists and it’s a problem. We don’t talk about how we develop feelings for a person and become consumed by it. Because it seems frivolous. It’s not legitimate, I’m overreacting, this is a stupid reason to feel this way, we say to ourselves. And simply make it worse. Invalidating our own feelings to pay respect to those who have “real problems.” We don’t talk about crying in the kitchen in the morning before Mom wakes up to take us to school. Feeling empty at the Happiest Place on Earth. Suffering a panic attack in the nurse’s office because you wonder if they care about you at all. Not being able to breathe at the thought of what you’ll say to this person if you see them that day. Being simultaneously upset and relieved that you didn’t. The stabbing physical pain of an adrenaline rush when you do or when you think you do. Oversleeping so you don’t have to overthink. And then anxiety devours us anyway because we don’t know what they’re doing or what they think of us if they know or if it’s obvious when we don’t want them to know and how we shouldn’t have said that and that’s not what I meant I should’ve said this I stepped on his foot my lips touched his neck when we hugged I let go too soon now I look like I didn’t want to touch him at all and now I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. We don’t talk about the oversleeping that turns to insomnia and the copious amounts of comfort food that turn to these two peanut butter granola bars that somehow became the only thing I can eat. I’m starving but I can’t eat. I’m lethargic but I can’t rest. I want to cry from the depths of my soul but what if my roommate finds me? All the sad lyrics make too much sense. A change of plans is the worst thing that possibly could have happened. A minor inconvenience is the end of the world. All because of my feelings. And I go and tell myself it’s not that big of a deal. Because I don’t want to seem spoiled because I didn’t get what I wanted. Because it's not their fault so how could I put this kind of pressure on them. Because it’s not a break up; there was never even a relationship; what gives me the right to feel this way. Because I still have a good life so what does this matter. It still matters.