fromdarzaitoleeza - Tumblr blog

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Spring is here , the true beginning of the year , the season where my soul reborns and blooms .

I have made some progress in terms of the person I am becoming, truly in all my honesty all that i have done is to stop caring for everything that once used to matter , the less I care about anything in particular the less I am bothered and the happier i stay. And i really hope everyone here is doing well and I appreciate all the love that was sent.

The problem is I care a lot about everything and i don't even get the bare minimum in return and when i do get it it's too late, so much time has passed by then ,when it comes by then i do not want or need it because it's the not care that came out of love it came out of their guilts. And the longer i wait for it to come by -the more I learn why I don't need it anymore .

I am slowly learning to value myself ,trying to put myself in a position where I can agree that i too deserve all the good things and love even on the days when i have nothing to offer .

Idk guys I am just here to rant and to be stupid

Better late than never they say , I guess it's not too late for me either, I will start my life and live up to what I want & how I feel ,i don't have to care about anything else as long as I feel alive in my bones things will eventually flow, I will fall in love with myself little by little day after day.

I will choose myself instead of choosing others and I will fall in love with my solitude instead of bearing it with me , i don't care if I end up alone if I do end up all by myself I will be with someone who i know has a tendency not to give up .

Life is really short i just don't want to sit and watch it pass by , if I am lucky enough I will have 40 more springs to experience , I have clear boundaries and thoughts in my head now, eventually i will find peace through it I hope so.

Ramdan kareem to people who celebrate it here please remember gaza in your prayers and fastings

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Hii ( this is a scheduled post )

If you are reading this now just know that this was written 3 days ago, i have been doing terrible in all aspects of life ( in Everything you can possibly imagine = family, love , friends, career , mental/physical health etc) .

I hate to admit but things are really dire and have been traumatic from a couple of months now, when i say traumatic I mean the real shit like real !

So much of the time has passed ever since i have been trying to battle everything in my life , and i have been carrying myself all this time while I reached my exhausted self long long ago ( this is coming from a person who doesn't give up or who never easily gives up on anything)

I would need a break from everything while I search for myself , and get over the voices in my head and flash backs of all the trauma which wakes me up in the middle of the night with rage, i don't even feel safe where i stay currently i genuinely hope sooner I will be able to change it.

I carry so much rage and grief inside me , which is eating me up from inside, more rage than grief or more grief than rahe I am not sure which one is true ,I can't even properly keep this text to one topic it's a combination of so many things that has led me to this state .

I used to achieve so much as a child and teen i don't know how things got so bad overtime and now i am failing at everything as an adult and even Falling apart ,time has passed so quickly i can't accept it .

I hope the next time I come back online to this site I will be much better, in case you ever miss my poetry or work , a mutual from here takes care of my instagram and posts it ( I believe she would be able to keep it active for a while ) !!!

I will take a break from everything and have some time away from everything , i can go on living without having access to the phone for a couple of weeks i have done this before hopefully I will be able to do it again !

Thank you for always hearing me out, the amount of love i received on Tumblr is so massive 💗🫂, i have never been loved so much anywhere else as I have been loved by people here 🙏Your anon texts have helped me to keep moving from time to time !

“i have spent all of my life trying

Trying not to lose my last hope ”

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

JUDAS: Why ... didn't you make me good enough so that you could've loved me?

-Stephen Adly Guirgis, The Last Days of Judas Iscariot

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Heyyy I am curious which reader app do you use ? Everything looks so aesthetic !!

Hii, I don't use any reader apps I don't read e-books, I prefer physical books . I edit the excerpts I like and resonate myself with .

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

hello! im sorry if this is a weird message, feel free to completely ignore it, but i read some of the asks you get and thought id try to express my feelings, since i have literally no one else to tell them to, and because i relate so deeply to so many of your posts.

i had my first love in 2022. i kind of kept an eye on them for months before we started interacting, and when i got to know them i was blown away–i couldn't even dream them if i tried. i remember thinking to myself for hours on end about how perfect they are, thanking the heavens for crafting someone so unbelievably beautiful as them. the embarrassing part is, our "situationship", if you could even call it that, lasted two weeks. just two weeks. and i feel so fucking ridiculous because i still love them.

i've met someone i really, really like and got into a relationship, and it kills me because although i care about my partner a lot, they're not them, you know? they're not my first love. my current love.

i don't know if i'll ever get over them, and i honestly don't even want to. my feelings are the very last string somehow still connecting us, and i don't want to live in a world where there are no signs of us ever existing, even though we never really did.

and these feelings are not painful for me either–thinking about them doesn't ever make me sad, just nostalgic, really. i only feel thankful that they were my first love, and that we get to exist under the same sky together. just thinking about this person going about their day, wondering what they're currently doing, brings warmth to my heart.

anyway, even if you don't reply to this message, thank you so much for making this blog so welcoming it made me feel like it was okay to share my feelings. hope your days are lovely.

<3

I read all of it, I can't say for sure if i resonate your feelings, i do believe a part of everyone stays inside us whom we once loved, i have never been lucky in terms of love , yes I used the word luck here cause in terms of efforts I do believe I have given my level best I try and try and try again until i have nothing more to offer , people fall in love with me and then they fall out of love idk how people are capable of doing that ( losing interest/feelings) I don't want to get into more details, as for you I don't much to say I cannot say i understand you , all I can say don't let your past or any person from past effects those who are now willing to love you to their best abilities and don't let it stops you from loving them to your best capabilities , I am sure you already knew it . I have nothing to offer you not even words

“ Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them. ”

― Richard Siken

This blog is welcoming to everyone, even if i don't respond to the anonymous asks i have read them you have my best wishes for everything, this is the only thing I am Good at words and in the end they are not enough too .

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

I wish to be loved like this, cause this is the way I love

i’d grow daisies from my lungs if you told me you liked flowers

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I loved you to the point of ruin. I loved you until my lungs were filled with ash.

—Tina Tran, Until I started choking on our memories

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

i’d grow daisies from my lungs if you told me you liked flowers

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I loved you to the point of ruin. I loved you until my lungs were filled with ash.

—Tina Tran, Until I started choking on our memories

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

I love everyone here and i want everyone of you to take care !

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

today marks day 111 of the genocide in gaza.

and i need you all to keep in mind just how dire the situation in gaza is right now. and to keep talking about it. now is not the time to turn away.

today i want to talk about khalil again. yesterday, khalil posted about how his aunt passed away and they went to the graveyard to bury her, only to find thousands of tents in the cemetery. the people living as refugees in rafah have been so jam packed that they’ve started sheltering at the cemetery.

in a heartbreaking sentence, khalil says “they are living in the cemetery, waiting for their time to be buried”. can you imagine the situation one has to be in to say something like that?

not only do the gazans not have a safe place to live, they are also starving and suffering from diseases and lack of medication. in fact, that’s the cause of khalil’s aunt’s death—bad food and no medicine.

the people of gaza barely have food to eat. the children have to clean dirt and insects off animal feed before milling it to make food. medicine isn’t coming into the gaza strip. there are pharmacies all around but none can help because they do not have the means to. why?

because israel consistently denies shipments of vital aid. in fact, according to the UN, israel recently added insulin pens for children to the list of prohibited items that are not allowed into gaza. this list also includes other medicines for chronic illnesses are also not allowed [here is the full press conference for anyone who’s interested].

this claim is also backed by the report journalist motaz azaiza was making as he was evacuating gaza of a plethora of aid trucks waiting at the border to enter gaza. and for the little bit of aid that is available to gazans? yesterday the israeli military opened fire at starving citizens who were queueing to get aid in northern gaza.

there are too many heartbreaking stories coming out of gaza; there is at least one per person, in a population of 2.2M people. i urge you to not turn away from hearing their stories and facing the reality of the crimes being committed against them by israeli occupation forces.

whatever anyone else might say, whatever the verdict of tomorrow’s hearing may be… i want you to remember that what’s happening in gaza is nothing short of a genocide—a collective total of 33,360 deaths (incl people missing under rubble), and 64,150 injured. don’t let them just be numbers. these are people.

people who are not just being killed in cold blood, but are also being starved. they are being tortured physically and psychologically. they are being subjected to illnesses with no treatment given. they are being subjected to eating things like grass, immature food, expired food. read the euro med monitor report for the full picture of the destruction happening in gaza at the hands of the israeli occupation forces.

this is a genocide. this is one of, if not the deadliest of war crimes we’ve seen in the 21st century.

i am so heartbroken i barely have the energy to type today. please call for an end to all of this, for a permanent ceasefire. and subsequently an end to the israeli occupation.

we cannot leave the palestinians to fend for themselves and continue being oppressed directly or indirectly by their oppressors and colonisers. this occupation must end. palestine must be freed in its entirety.

من المية للمية

ACTIONS YOU CAN TAKE

please especially send donations to help supply aid and food to gazans. especially to the organisations working within gaza. it’s not like there isn’t any food at all. gaza is not a barren land. the food is just inaccessible and very expensive and unaffordable for most gazans (if you follow journalist muhammad smiry, you’ll see he posts a lot about the atrocious prices of food in gaza). so your donations help people purchase food in bulk within gaza and supply to the civilians.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

{—Fyodor Dostoevsky in a letter to his wife Anna Dostoevskaya 28 augest 1879}

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

hey I recently read one of your posts and it was really comforting to read that there are people who have situations similar to me. I recently fell out with my best friend because I made a big mistake interacting with someone we mutually know and now I feel so much more alone. I have always felt like only they truly know me. Even before this happening they got a boyfriend and everything felt more distant after that. I hope you are well. thank you

Friendships are more tragic than love stories,

it's really complex to explain the gut wrenching feeling of being felt unloved by a friend, I am indeed really sorry to hear that , although i still wish u can get back to them but...,

people fall in love and distance themselves from friends( unknowingly or unintentionally)i am not surprised to hear that .

🫂💗

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Today I read my journals from 2022 till the end of 2023 and I've cried like a child.

I would have never imagined that i would weep over my very own writings.I believe literature has shadowed my real grief lurking inside me , I ve hid myself beneath those words . I cannot accept the fact I have endured so much all by myself in my solitude.

If I look back at it, it won't look altogether much of a deal ,but if I look at it one by one that's when I realise all two years have nothing but spent in despair, spent in suffering and watching myself crumble to dust.

While I read my journals I saw a visualisation of me being annihilated over a series of events one after the other, there is no difference between my solitude and grief, I was yearning I was yearning in every possible form but i couldn't give it any shape , it's awful .

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

back in school i grew up careful, even though i made a life long friend and smiled, it was within the school walls and timings. now that we're in college and she got a boyfriend, even though she tells me i mean a lot to her and that my position will always be at the top, i feel distant. i feel like im not as important as i once used to be. not like it deteriorated but that she's busy and got her life to ask me about mine. i hate how lonely i feel sometimes. i know it's not anyone's fault but it still makes me a lil sad.

thank you for listening.

i felt lonely.

I can sense your Grief , I who have changed multiple schools were not able to have the same friends but in my last year's of college I was able to make a friend,we stayed friend for 2 years and I can't describe to you how much grateful I am for the time I spent with my friend , a true &only friend of mine, we both moved to different states it's been 4 years since then ,and to this date i Only consider that person as my true friend, I too have felt a part of my life was taken away from me when we parted altho it's very much one sided on my part

As you said it's no one's fault life gets bigger and people continue to choose what's more important for them at that particular moment/ period of time, maybe for your friend her love life and Carrier is more important now ( and this is one big truth about life , when you turn adult those are the only thing that matters , the communication and time spent with your friends get shorter and shorter) we gotta make sure whenever we talk with them the next time we are having a heartful and meaningful conversation cause we don't know when we would have a chance again.

Tbh I am unable to convey what I want to speak, I am a little selfish in this particular regard there are times when I get a little upset about this in my head ( I use the word Little here cause I am used to my state of loneliness after 4 passing years) upset about my friend not being as close to as we used to be , last week i told my friend if you don't call me I won't talk to you ever again( that Sounds very childish right for grown ass adult to behave?)

I was once a top priority of my friend, so much of the time has passed since then , my friend has a lover now and made more friends as time passed by ( which is indeed very natural for others unlike me) I am not sure if my friend ever misses me now , but I do think about my friend from time to time , altho I won't admit this to my friend that my life has gotten very lonely and so much has happened since then .

I believe there is a certain amount of time we are designated to be with someone and when they are gone all we have are memories to cherish and the time we had with them together and in the end wish for their happiness when they are no longer part of your life.

Anyone/You are always welcome to rant on my blog, you can do that anonymously or you can just send them without being anonymous ( if you are comfortable) i responded to those texts in private , always feel free to drop texts by, I am reading them and hoping to have conversations oftentimes.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

“I’m going to write it down because maybe if I do I won’t have to think about it. And I won’t get upset.”

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I write because no one listens!

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

—Stephen Covey

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

All you need is just one person who believes in you that you will make it out .

Sometimes that one person is you .

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

what if this is all i am ??

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Even if this is all you will ever be, you haven't lost yourself as long as you still have you there is more to look forward to you will eventually find more books to read, more coffee to taste, more places to visit , more springs to live in and that is enough

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

thank you for existing :)

I am better than most days today , thank you for sharing the same time space as me 🫂❤️‍🩹