genderheaven - Tumblr blog

[genderheaven]

excuse me for this being a post full of drama

"i" is used loosely before, the person who used to run this blog has split multiple times

- shaun/(i genuinely do not know what name they might go by now because i’ve been making a point to not check up on people from my mogai days, sorry) DID reblog that post that caused me to send that (shitty) message, they are literally a mod on that mogai wiki critism blog and at the time it had no indicator there were other mods so at the time when they reblogged that post telling “i hope all you mods burn” i really thought they had just reblogged it and then lied in their next post on kenochoric and said “i never reblogged that post.” i had been discussing the post with my therapist at the time in private and my therapist had repeatedly described it as a borderline threat, so how i saw it was that someone who i used to respect quite a lot reblogged a borderline threat against me and other mods and then acted like they didn't. after this i had a more extreme breakdown and i think i may have been delusional at different points, which is part of the reason a lot of my posts after that got... weird and some got deleted quickly. not an excuse but i’d like to EXPLAIN this and give some context.

- never doxxed rogue. doxxing can kill people and disgusts me on a moral basis. rogue has said in private emails that lo thinks the wiki page i made about lov is doxxing. it’s not. (it WAS rude and a breach of privacy and didn’t really need to exist. still not doxxing, did not contain a literal shred of information that counts as doxxing.) rogue was linked to four or five actual legal websites by the person who was maintaing the NCB on my behalf with the definition of doxxing, to say “no, your claim that this wiki page was doxxxing is wrong,” and rogue quite literally responded with “but my friends said it is.” this implies that rogue literally ignored actual legal professionals over like.. proship friends. i think the things i did to rogue were mean and uncessary but rogue has also used the scary word “dox” as a tool to silence supports of me/old me pre-splitting, while lo KNOWS that the wiki page was not a dox. mean and not needed? yeah, absolutely, i feel a lot of guilt over it and if i could go back in time and slap myself i would.

- i don’t tell people to kill themselves. i haven’t really checked but i have ZERO doubt there’s still never been any evidence that i told some random 16 year old to kill themselves. in fact i was literally silently making an effort to stop interacting with minors (just because of my age making me worried about making people uncomfortable) so from my perspective this accusation is all kinds of wild.

i’m still incredibly upset that someone as smart as dexter would think it’s okay to post an ask like that and leave NO comments at first about how he received no evidence of it and i really do hope that in the future mogai tumblr remembers that this isn’t the first time someone has sent an anon to whatever random mogai blogs have their asks open, saying that i did XYZ. remember when tgce was going to every blog they absolutely could and telling them i was antisemitic and then never providing evidence when asked but just talking about how shitty i am? yeah.

- the different carrds that i made no longer belong to me and haven’t been in my possession since this all happened, they’re not affiliated with me at all anymore so if you’ve removed links to them because they’re associated with Smelly Bad Guy i wouldn’t worry about that, i literally can’t edit them or anything now

figured out shortly after this that i have ocd and autism and i’m starting to slip and not be able to fight compulsions to come back here and comment so i think i’m just gonna outright delete the email this account is atatched to so i can’t get back in after this

with all that being said though: i'm sorry.

i don’t want forgiveness or to be defended, to be honest, so please just don’t. i’m very aware every action i took at this point was just asinine and rude and downright mean and hurting people and to say the least i’m not happy with myself for it

also: i’m no longer making any sort of mogai/resource-related accounts, so please know if you see anybody with an ezgendr/genderheaven/etc related url on another site it is ABSOLUTELY not me, i’ve seen fake usernames on other sites which kind of freaks me out so again that’s NOT legitimate

thank you for reading and i’m sorry, please know that there isn’t a single action i took that i don’t regret extremely

final note: if you're referring to me/old me pre splitting, please don't use the name "ez". our system's split was kind of violent and traumatizing and we've come to refer to it like "ez" dying. we would really like if people, especially those of you who outright knew me/us when i went by kris instead, didn't call me/us ez. mentioning the url ezgender is one thing because that was our actual url but people don't switch back to a name that this headmate no longer wanted to be called even when he was alive. never gonan stop you from being upset with me/us because there's a lot of legit reasons to but please don't with this name especially if we outright spoke to each other while it was "kris" instead

[genderheaven]

tgce when you make new blogs can you change your url or typing style at all please?

for what it’s worth, i do completely and totally regret the ncb and i’m currently navigating through these feelings in therapy. there’s never going to be enough words to apologize for the damage all of that did and i literally think about how i hurt people every day

i think you are also missing the point here still, this post is mainly about the fact that a major community creator posted an anonymous accusation about me which he was not given any proof for whatsoever, and when asked “do you have proof?” he went “well, kris has done some things that hurt people recently” - not providing/asking for proof, but using the fact that i’d hurt people as some sort of justification, which is, a problem

- facet that’s sort-of-kris

part 2:

I am extremely sorry for how I acted and the vile shit I said. it was reprehensible, and to say the least, I think I'll always be disgusted by how I acted.

but also, I'm not sure how to say this. the mogai community has a problem with people who Do A Bad Thing and believing absolutely anything and saying whatever they want about that person. and unfortunately, I absolutely didn't help that. this kind of rumor mongering wasn't ever my Intention with stuff like the NCB, but it's unfortunately taken me a long time to realize that intention and behind the scenes attempts to be fair don't matter if the outside interpretation at large is something else. I think this community always had the potential to do this stuff to X Bad Person Of The Week, but things like my NCB just exacerbated it.

specifically, I'm talking about the fact that someone I used to consider a friend, Tumblr user @neopronouns, posted a completely anonymous ask about me/the headmate in this system who i split from, Ez. this anonymous ask says that I told someone to kill themselves over the ncb.

and dexter himself later admits that he has never been shown screenshots of proof.

https://archive.ph/1wpeh

https://archive.ph/aUmkw

Dexter, I used to respect you very much. your blog has over 2000 followers, which is double the amount I ever had.

shape /up/.

this community is not a safe space to be in if people like us in the 900+ follower count space can literally just publish and therefore endorse anything someone completely anonymously tells them. (not to mention it is VERY easy to convincingly Photoshop screenshots!!!)

I can definitely understand being sad and scared when I acted the way I did, but there is also a complete lack of critical thinking being displayed here that lends to this entire community being unsafe. anyone can just say anything. this isn't the first time anons claiming I did X have been sent around, btw. remember those anons about me being antisemitic that never came back with evidence? remember when X other mogai blogger got accused of being Y and there was a whole callout post that got tons of notes - fill in that blank yourself, I'm sure someone came to mind.

I'm aware I'm not really in any position to be believed because I did shitty things and therefore that means I MUST have done every other bad rbinf, but basically: I would REALLY like to implore to you all, no matter how much you hate me in particular, to get PROOF before publishing things like this. about anyone. this could happen to you. this could be your blog tomorrow. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for literally about… 5 years straight, with gaps of a few months in between but never completely losing the thoughts entirely. and I have survived multiple suicide attempts, and been hospitalized four times in the past two years for suicidal thoughts. I find telling someone to kill themselves absolutely abhorrent. I didn't do this. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I don't think my little Google doc on a website is worth losing one's life over, it's ABSOLUTELY not that serious.

telling someone to kill themselves could very easily be the trigger that encourages a suicidal person to actually take action to end their own life. telling someone to kill themself is potentially actually killing them. I did not think "(name I don't use anymore and don't want to be called) tried to kill someone" was a real thing that would occur in the mogai community, but apparently it is! this community will genuinely hear this information and publish it to an audience of over 2000 people with no further thought. it seems that no Dexter has added this edit below, but in my opinion, it is a shallow excuse for this action. as I work on things in therapy [to prevent me from ever treating people the way I did again,] I'm finding myself literally kept up at night by the fact Dexter thought publishing this ask was EVER okay. there is no sign of looking for proof in the original published ask. there is nothing to indicate he did not believe it wasn't factual, and if you take a look at the replies on the post, someone raises a genuine concern about this, and he responds with essentially "well but kris did a bad."

(don't worry, this is the last time I'm gonna be screenshotting anybody's anything. I've lost respect for Dexter or anyone who reblogged this post that to the extent I don't want to see any of these blogs and once got very anxious after seeing a reply from one on a random post a mutual reblogged. so, I'm popping on to queue this and then once again changing the password of these accounts to something else new and not saving it. im out of here, it's a shitshow.)

thank you, I'm sorry for what I actually did, & goodbye. take care of yourselves. if you or a loved one experience suicidal thoughts, contact local or online resources like chat lines or telephone numbers. and if you're presented with a screenshot, look into a concept called EXIF data. https://gadgetstouse.com/blog/2021/01/09/6-ways-to-tell-if-an-image-has-been-edited-or-photoshopped/#4_check_exif_and_geolocation_data

kris

[genderheaven]

part 2:

I am extremely sorry for how I acted and the vile shit I said. it was reprehensible, and to say the least, I think I'll always be disgusted by how I acted.

but also, I'm not sure how to say this. the mogai community has a problem with people who Do A Bad Thing and believing absolutely anything and saying whatever they want about that person. and unfortunately, I absolutely didn't help that. this kind of rumor mongering wasn't ever my Intention with stuff like the NCB, but it's unfortunately taken me a long time to realize that intention and behind the scenes attempts to be fair don't matter if the outside interpretation at large is something else. I think this community always had the potential to do this stuff to X Bad Person Of The Week, but things like my NCB just exacerbated it.

specifically, I'm talking about the fact that someone I used to consider a friend, Tumblr user @neopronouns, posted a completely anonymous ask about me/the headmate in this system who i split from, Ez. this anonymous ask says that I told someone to kill themselves over the ncb.

and dexter himself later admits that he has never been shown screenshots of proof.

https://archive.ph/1wpeh

https://archive.ph/aUmkw

Dexter, I used to respect you very much. your blog has over 2000 followers, which is double the amount I ever had.

shape /up/.

this community is not a safe space to be in if people like us in the 900+ follower count space can literally just publish and therefore endorse anything someone completely anonymously tells them. (not to mention it is VERY easy to convincingly Photoshop screenshots!!!)

I can definitely understand being sad and scared when I acted the way I did, but there is also a complete lack of critical thinking being displayed here that lends to this entire community being unsafe. anyone can just say anything. this isn't the first time anons claiming I did X have been sent around, btw. remember those anons about me being antisemitic that never came back with evidence? remember when X other mogai blogger got accused of being Y and there was a whole callout post that got tons of notes - fill in that blank yourself, I'm sure someone came to mind.

I'm aware I'm not really in any position to be believed because I did shitty things and therefore that means I MUST have done every other bad rbinf, but basically: I would REALLY like to implore to you all, no matter how much you hate me in particular, to get PROOF before publishing things like this. about anyone. this could happen to you. this could be your blog tomorrow. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for literally about… 5 years straight, with gaps of a few months in between but never completely losing the thoughts entirely. and I have survived multiple suicide attempts, and been hospitalized four times in the past two years for suicidal thoughts. I find telling someone to kill themselves absolutely abhorrent. I didn't do this. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I don't think my little Google doc on a website is worth losing one's life over, it's ABSOLUTELY not that serious.

telling someone to kill themselves could very easily be the trigger that encourages a suicidal person to actually take action to end their own life. telling someone to kill themself is potentially actually killing them. I did not think "(name I don't use anymore and don't want to be called) tried to kill someone" was a real thing that would occur in the mogai community, but apparently it is! this community will genuinely hear this information and publish it to an audience of over 2000 people with no further thought. it seems that no Dexter has added this edit below, but in my opinion, it is a shallow excuse for this action. as I work on things in therapy [to prevent me from ever treating people the way I did again,] I'm finding myself literally kept up at night by the fact Dexter thought publishing this ask was EVER okay. there is no sign of looking for proof in the original published ask. there is nothing to indicate he did not believe it wasn't factual, and if you take a look at the replies on the post, someone raises a genuine concern about this, and he responds with essentially "well but kris did a bad."

(don't worry, this is the last time I'm gonna be screenshotting anybody's anything. I've lost respect for Dexter or anyone who reblogged this post that to the extent I don't want to see any of these blogs and once got very anxious after seeing a reply from one on a random post a mutual reblogged. so, I'm popping on to queue this and then once again changing the password of these accounts to something else new and not saving it. im out of here, it's a shitshow.)

thank you, I'm sorry for what I actually did, & goodbye. take care of yourselves. if you or a loved one experience suicidal thoughts, contact local or online resources like chat lines or telephone numbers. and if you're presented with a screenshot, look into a concept called EXIF data. https://gadgetstouse.com/blog/2021/01/09/6-ways-to-tell-if-an-image-has-been-edited-or-photoshopped/#4_check_exif_and_geolocation_data

kris

[genderheaven]

don't worry, I'm not going back on what I said and returning to this blog. I've just not been able to escape the want to. apologize better. so, popping in really quick to do that:

I'm sorry to everyone affected by my actions. I reacted in the worse way possible and said some truly awful things, and looking back at them I'm literally amazed (not in a good way of course) that I ever thought it was something legitimate and valid to say about any of this. my breakdown was violent and wild and I took it out on people who had been nothing but nice to me when I needed them, and to be honest; I have literally not stopped thinking about what I did, and think about it every day. (not intending this in a guilt tripping fashion, but I have also come to recognize I have a serious issue with my tone heading that way without me meaning to, which I'm trying to work on as well; sorry in advance.)

(additional note: this happened in part because of a number of toxic traits of mine combining into an awful situation of breaking down and acting out in public and private alike, but especially my inability to actually let myself have a BREAK and step away from things that stress me. it's honestly amazing I didn't do something wild like this before with the amount of times I've just. not given myself anytime to relax. I would like to thank people who worried about me for this… I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.)

I'm sorry. no one is ever required to forgive me, ofc. I'm just really sorry I made people feel so unsafe and scared like that. this was a disgusting abuse of power and an immature expression of frustration, and I dug my grave. I recognize it was fucked up, and I'm really sorry to the people affected by what I said. thank you very much to the people who considered me a friend and gave me their time and support in the past. I'm sorry I didn't live up to promises.

got one more post, sequel to this, and then I'm going to once again change the password to something I don't know, And then probably delete the email this account is attached to so I can't reset it again.

[genderheaven]

Kris here. Most likely this will be one of my last posts on Tumblr. I want to formerly announce my exiting the project and of MOGAI in general. Exiting the MOGAI Wiki was something I already intended, and I'm aware now I should've just done it sooner rather than later. I'm not apologizing in this post because this isn't an appropriate place or time, but I'm aware of my faults and will continue therapy to work on them, so I ask people not stress about me and turn their attention to the Wiki. I can't in good conscience leave with only two active mods, so I've reached out to Miraheze for editors. I also made Google forms for moderation apps for the Wiki/Discord, and for my remaining MOGAI projects. We're going to take a few weeks to try to gather moderators.

https://forms.gle/WSahn27Q5oESfyE16 https://forms.gle/PX2KhhDEs7gh5QLu7 - Kris

[genderheaven]

Permanently closed. We invite you to read the following.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/64016565 [free]

https://mogai-wiki.tumblr.com/post/679182124610355200/in-regards-to-term-removals

https://genderheaven.carrd.co#mascot

Please read below before following/requesting.

Keep reading

[genderheaven]

I would like to apologize for the endorsement of a post with that phrasing about puritanism.

at the same time, i'm very sure now that this community will excuse and endorse the phrasing of the threats against me and the other mods. this is a community where anything flies if it's happening to a Bad Person. and it is because of this that i'm making the decision i'm about to make.

[genderheaven]

my posts about the situation /have/ been out of line, so i apologize for that. not gonna delete them for the sake of accountability

[genderheaven]

Gendergothica: a gender that feels Gothic or related to Gothic architecture or literature.

[genderheaven]

In Regards To Term Removals

We had not realized that discussion of this had made it to tumblr until just a few minutes ago, so first of all apologies for not addressing this sooner.

I think it’s important that we make this clear: No decision has been made about term removals, we have not done away with the option to have your terms removed from our Wiki.

This was all sparked from the mod team realizing that the current system we have in place just isn’t working. We don’t have the resources to be checking every single blog for posts requesting to have their terms removed, and we don’t have the mod power to keep an eye out for terms from users who have requested it in the way that we’ve been doing.

We’ve been putting our heads together for a while trying to figure out a solution that works for everyone, and the only idea we were really able to come up with was doing away with term removals in its entirety. However, we knew that was a huge decision, and not even necessarily an ideal fix. That’s why we brought it to the community in our discord. We were, and still are, looking for feedback and ideas.

We recognize there are a lot of reasons that someone would want the option to remove their terms from our Wiki, and we don’t necessarily want to do away with that option. Many terms were slipping through the cracks because our current system was not working. We had no way of being made aware of some accounts’ requests to have their terms removed, and then they would be upset when their terms were uploaded by a user, or had been ported over to our wiki. We need a better solution. That’s all this is, trying to find a better solution.

Please take care of yourselves. From what I can tell, this has been a lot more upsetting to people than we expected it to be. We regret how stressful this has become for our community, as that was not our intention at all. Our intention was to have a discussion with our community to find the best solution to the current problem. We do not intend to make any decisions on what we’re doing until the community has had a long opportunity to discuss it, but I want to reassure you that we’re taking every proposed solution into consideration.

–Neon

[genderheaven]

a huge reason as to WHY this conversation came up is because it is not possible for our mod team to keep track of who makes a post saying they don't want their terms on the wiki anymore because right now we are not big or powerful enough for that. i am begging you, if you want your terms off, message @mogai-wiki because if you're just making a tumblr post about it: THAT IS THE EXACT ISSUE WE WERE ALREADY DEALING WITH. we're having difficulty keeping track of who said what because only one mod on the entire team follows enough people to see the posts.

would also like to point out and underline that the wiki has not, in fact, chosen to remove people's ability to remove their terms. that didn't happen. forgive me for being defensive, i'm just really frustrated at how this has occurred: we haven't made ANY changes yet and none of the changes we were discussing would even go into affect for probably weeks, we opened a conversation. and it's frustrating to imagine that someone might hear through the grapevine that we're not allowing people to remove their terms and then revoke consent because of that, since that isn't the actual situation.

saying this in a personal manner: the wiki isn't planning some grand removal of boundaries and i would really like it if people could not say that's what's happening, esp to people not in the server, and esp since that's not where the conversation is going

[genderheaven]

In Regards To Term Removals

We had not realized that discussion of this had made it to tumblr until just a few minutes ago, so first of all apologies for not addressing this sooner.

I think it’s important that we make this clear: No decision has been made about term removals, we have not done away with the option to have your terms removed from our Wiki.

This was all sparked from the mod team realizing that the current system we have in place just isn’t working. We don’t have the resources to be checking every single blog for posts requesting to have their terms removed, and we don’t have the mod power to keep an eye out for terms from users who have requested it in the way that we’ve been doing.

We’ve been putting our heads together for a while trying to figure out a solution that works for everyone, and the only idea we were really able to come up with was doing away with term removals in its entirety. However, we knew that was a huge decision, and not even necessarily an ideal fix. That’s why we brought it to the community in our discord. We were, and still are, looking for feedback and ideas.

We recognize there are a lot of reasons that someone would want the option to remove their terms from our Wiki, and we don’t necessarily want to do away with that option. Many terms were slipping through the cracks because our current system was not working. We had no way of being made aware of some accounts’ requests to have their terms removed, and then they would be upset when their terms were uploaded by a user, or had been ported over to our wiki. We need a better solution. That’s all this is, trying to find a better solution.

Please take care of yourselves. From what I can tell, this has been a lot more upsetting to people than we expected it to be. We regret how stressful this has become for our community, as that was not our intention at all. Our intention was to have a discussion with our community to find the best solution to the current problem. We do not intend to make any decisions on what we’re doing until the community has had a long opportunity to discuss it, but I want to reassure you that we’re taking every proposed solution into consideration.

–Neon

[genderheaven]

saying this in a personal manner: the wiki isn't planning some grand removal of boundaries and i would really like it if people could not say that's what's happening, esp to people not in the server, and esp since that's not where the conversation is going

[genderheaven]

do you think people will ever realize that "nonmen loving nonmen" can still be (and often is) mspec

[genderheaven]

Okay this one is not gonna be a popular take on tumblr but.

Identity policing is pointless and dangerous and honestly only really works in online spaces. I say this and you might think "yeah identity policing sucks" but I need you to think a bit deeper.

When you get into a real life queer community (and I DO mean queer specifically, radical inclusionist queers) people don't give a shit. You hear this kind of thing a lot on tumblr but I think it is important to specify, because a lot of more general "lgbt+" groups HAVE been poisoned by the online discourse.

I've been a part of a proper queer community for a couple of years now and here is the thing.

Many more people than you think have a constantly shifting sense of identity, or experience multiple, supposedly conflicting identities at once, and they are allowed to express those identities in a way that makes them comfortable.

My partner is a nonbinary trans woman. They date people of many different genders, and generally consider themself to be bi. But sometimes they refer to themself as a lesbian, because they feel like or want to be a lesbian on that day. They are still dating and love me/their other non-woman partners on these days, it's just an identity they resonate with at that time. This is what I mean when I say constantly shifting identity.

I am a gay, bisexual, asexual, genderfluid nonbinary transmasc. I experience so many different identities at once - my gender and my sexuality are informed by each other constantly. I always feel more masc when I am attracted to a masc person, and I always feel less masc (but rarely more fem) when I am attracted to more fem people. Any time I feel attraction I usually consider it gay attraction, even if I feel attraction to multiple differently gendered people at once - I'm bisexual from a technical standpoint, but I'm almost always just gay (but sometimes I truly am just a raging bisexual). I am genderfluid but I am also always nonbinary. My gender goes between multiple, often unidentifiable nonbinary genders, but rarely if ever a binary one.

When I talk to cis people, or less-radical trans people, I generally just say I'm a bi nonbinary person. Nobody needs to know all of that except the people I want to tell it to. BUT those are all facets of my identity that I do experience and I am allowed to express those. Just the other day I tagged a post about how much I love my partner (wife, I said in that post) with "lesbian" - the reason being they were having a lesbian day and I was very much in love with them and feeling pretty much a "gay almost-woman" myself.

(And this, by the way, is why the word queer is so useful and important and you can pry it from my cold dead hands :)

Another thing to think about is how we treat genderfluid people and their attraction in general. There are often posts with a "mlm/nblm" or "wlw/nblw" tag at the end - do these include genderfluid people? Am I allowed to reblog a mlm post when I'm having a man-adjacent day, even if I don't always feel like a mlm? Am I allowed to reblog a wlw post on a woman-adjacent day? My identity can fluctuate minute to minute, am I going to get a callout post from someone who doesn't understand the intricacies of my identity if I reblog a mlm post and a wlw post in quick succession?

And this is bringing me to the next part of this discussion, and the reason it is important to think about: the culture on tumblr (and, i believe, twitter) of calling people out for having what YOU perceive to be conflicting identities, saying that they're "appropriating x identity" or using it for clout or to escape the repercussions of an offhand comment they made that you didn't like (and I can name at least one popular tumblr user who did and still sometimes does experience targeted callouts and harassment for being a "lesbophobe" because they identify as a lesbian in a way the tumblr culture at large doesn't like, but I digress).

You do not and can not know the intricacies of someone's identity unless they tell you. If you read the earlier parts of this post and agreed or understood that people can have multiple "conflicting" identities, then I do not want to see you sharing callout posts for people who ID in a nonconventional way. You don't know, and overall it really does not fucking matter. The oft-repeated line of "how does it impact you if someone is gay/trans/etc", spoken to homophobes and transphobes frequently, is applicable here: how does it impact you if someone identifies in a supposedly nonconventional or conflicting way? It does not. And in real life queer communities, people do not give a shit, because we have bigger problems to deal with OUTSIDE the community, we don't have time for infighting. We have more in common than we have apart.

[genderheaven]

(Image description: a square with five vertical stripes in the colors of the aromantic pride flag along the left side of the image, on the right side of the image the background is white with the words "Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week" in large green font and "February 20th - 26th, 2022" below in smaller black font.)

Happy Aro Week!

[genderheaven]

MEGALOVANIASONGIC

Megalovaniasongic is a gender related to megalovania

Requested by anon 

Flag and term by us