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gimmesometimewhileiwork0nit-blog · 6 years

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#littleselectiveeatingthings

drinking a lot of water because you’re hungry but can’t eat the food

being afraid of being invited to dinner by literally anyone

“I have a lot of unknown allergies so I have be to be careful what I eat”

wanting to explain to your friends that you have an eating disorder but being afraid they won’t understand how selective eating is different from anorexia or bulimia

knowing your diet is garbage but not being able to change anything

“You should just eat what’s on your plate! Be grateful you have anything to eat at all!”

being guilt-tripped for not finishing your food because “other people can’t even afford a full meal”

feeling guilty for wasting food you couldn’t eat because it costs money

you come to hate the term “picky eater” because it’s been used derogatorily against you for years by people who don’t understand

bread

so much bread

but only specific kinds of bread

trying a new food for the first time in a while and tearing up because you just can’t manage to even chew it because of the taste or texture or color

trying a new food for the first time in a while and tearing up because thank god I finally found something new that I can actually eat

trying a new food for the first time and getting sick from it even though you could eat it because your body is so unused to new foods

“You should eat healthier!”

hearing people talk about food and how “everyone loves to eat!” and sitting there awkwardly because you know that’s not true

going to bed hungry because you couldn’t stomach much food but now you can’t sleep because you’re too hungry

trying soylent but being unable to stand the flavor of it

worrying about your nutrition because all you eat is carbs

literally having panic attacks when forced to eat something repulsive to you

wondering what the hell is wrong with you and why you can’t just EAT the damn vegetable

never telling anyone because the few people you’ve told don’t understand and it seems like no one ever will

finally learning that selective eating disorder/avoidant restrictive food intake disorder is a thing

but learning it’s so understudied that no one has any idea what causes it or how to treat it

but also finally learning you’re not alone in this

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gimmesometimewhileiwork0nit-blog · 6 years

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here we go again 🙃

so basically i made this tumblr because i’ve just been pushing everyone i care about away while i publically spiral out of control on the internet lol. i need anonymity and i need an outlet. maybe my posts will help people not feel alone, and maybe i’ll get a better understand of my depression and how to handle it. or no one can read it at all i genuinely don’t really care that much to be honest y’all don’t even know who i am. also i can’t afford a therapist

i wake up every single morning wanting to die. and i don’t mean planning out ways to make this happen, i just mean like i wake up and i genuinely don’t want to be alive. like i wake up and i’m like “why the fuck did i have to wake up this time?” i’m literally only here because i have cats and my dad wouldn’t take care of them if i killed myself lol.

i feel like i just need to get every single fucking underlying issue that is eating me alive out of my brain. it’s so fucking weird to tell someone my life story but typing it makes me feel like i’m talking to someone so here we are!!!! please don’t reply to this and be like “bitch no one cares”!!! i’ve cried every single fucking day since november. my last depressive episode lasted 3 years and i feel worse this time. i’m scared for myself a lot that i won’t be able to ever feel happiness. because in reality i don’t think i’ve ever been happy? i’ve never felt genuine love except from my dad and sister and stepmom. i have family members i don’t speak to because i can’t handle the fake ness. so yeah here’s my story i guess ~~~

my parents got divorced when i was 3 because my mom cheated on my dad. she married the guy and had a kid with him (my baby brother). my dad remarried and she had two children already (my brother and sister); and my dad had a son from his girlfriend in highschool back east.

i had a good life up until my stepdad cheated on my mom. she found text messages in his phone one night and found out he was having an affair and he just said fuck it and stopped paying for everything the week after my mom got laid off which literally sent our life spiraling out of control. which i guess is my moms karma for doing that to my dad.

i’m 23 years old, and at 16 my mom got super deep into a pill popping addiction and she lost her job, her husband, our house, custody of my 7 year old brother, and me and her had to move into her friends house who were also a bunch of pill poppers (pain pills, antidepressants, basically anything lol) along w some heroin addicts. my boyfriend at the time was also a heroin addict (which i didn’t find out about until i was 19 cause im oblivious to everything). my ex basically lived with us, and it was just a really hard life.

before we lost the house, my mom would stay up for a week straight (i still can’t figure out what kind of drugs she was on, probably meth because that used to be her drug of choice but i’ve never tried it so i wouldn’t know) and then she would pass out for a week and i wouldn’t see her. i would make sure me and my little brother were fed and i would make sure we got to school...we lived on ebt so i tried to make things last when my mom wouldn’t go shopping. i got served the custody papers for my little brother after someone banged on our door for 45 minutes at 1030 at night because my mom wouldn’t answer the door. i was 16 year’s old like what the actual fuck lmao. so my brother moved out then i came home from school (mom was asleep) to an eviction notice on our door. so we moved to my moms friends right after i turned 17.

my mom and her friend drank every single day and every single night. my moms friend had THREE fentanyl patches on her at all times because she fucked up her elbow....from falling down her stairs drunk. i watched my mom go from a kind of okay human being (she’s always been very selfish and stuck in her ways, i can’t think of one thing i admire about her and that hurts to say i’m hoping i will feel different some day maybe venting will help) to just a helpless pathetic child with not one strong bone in her body. my mom didn’t even try to get custody of my brother. my dad told me he had me six days a week until the courts tried to cut my moms child support, then she took everything from him including me (which comes into play later ). my mom and her friend woke up everyday and filled their tumbler glasses (those huge ones from the dollar store) with bud light. i went to school (aka hotboxed my car til third period) while my mom drank and popped pills all day instead of looking for a job. she used to go pick up cans in the middle of the night with this homeless guy for money. instead of just looking for a fucking job when she had two kids (technically one because my stepdad got an emergency custody order). i sold weed to buy myself food and then the owner of the house got mad at me for “keeping food to myself when other people lived there”. like i was living in literal fucking hell. i went from being super social to not even being able to get along with people.

my ex comes into play a lot w my depression but he needs his own post. story for another day 🙃

i used to find heroin spoons in the bathroom and syringes. my anxiety got so bad that i woke up every morning and had a panic attack and would throw up stomach bile for hours. i almost didn’t graduate high school because i didn’t want to puke at school because everyone thought i was bulimic. i read about an eating disorder called #arfid , which i want to look more into (anyone have any insight?) because all of these things still effect me today. anyways i was basically just a fucking wreck all the time and my ex was abusive and an addict and i just felt like this normal ass person surrounded by psychopaths. which made me crazy. why couldn’t my life just be normal like people normally come home to watch tv or some shit i came home and avoided all the strung out people and herniated in my room. so we lived like this until i graduated. three weeks before graduation (i had just turned 18) my mom drops the ball on me that two weeks after i graduate she was selling all of her shit and moving to virginia so i had to find a place to live because her friend would only let me stay there a month. SHE COULDNT EVEN MAKE IT TWO MONTHS WITHOUT MY CHILD SUPPORT CHECK.

she left me at 18 and my brother at 10 with no plan to come back. she left to go live with her cousin who just got divorced and also has two kids. i live in southern california. what kind of a fucking person does that?

so five years pass with yearly visits. this last visit i see a text on her phone from her cousin that says “good morning baby”. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAF MEANS?????? i’m literally horrified and i fucking hate my mom and i don’t know how to deal with this. how would you guys deal with this? my mom left her children to be a yeehaw cousin fucker hahahahhahahaha so i will end this with i want to die and also send advice

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