gl00mt0mb

[gl00mt0mb]

One detail I loved in the MCU is the very clear differences between the lifestyles/resources superhero’s have compared to vigilantes.

This forms the base of so many of my head-cannons, I love how they don’t just make vigilantes be superheroes who work alone.

I love how they make it clear that No we do not in fact have a seven million dollar high tech SHEILD issued jet. We live in New York and are illegally beating the shit out of people until they confess to crimes. Stop telling people we’re superheroes because we’re not. We have warrants out for our arrest. We are actively trespassing on private property. Nobody call me an ambulance I don’t care that there’s a gaping hole in my stomach, just dunk me in the Hutson river or drop me in a dumpster, an off duty nurse will find me eventually.

They don’t do team ups, they have the misfortune of being in the same place at the same time and for one reason or another not being able to immediately evacuate in opposite directions

I’m barely even exaggerating this is just how New Yorks street levels operate. They all have 13 dollars in their bank accounts collectively and take turns with the singular metro card Peter got issued by Midtown high. They don’t have each other’s phone numbers but usually if you turn on the news you’ll see one of them causing unprecedented amounts of property damage. Nobody considers them self a hero or vigilante, they all have an identity crisis once a week. No one has any form of transportation ever.

Spider-Man’s like 15. He can’t even drive, he’s throwing chemicals that he hides under his locker at school into wrist watches and flinging himself off buildings. The one time we did see him drive is when he stole his classmates car during a homecoming dance and crashed it into twelve different things. On the same night he broke a school bus and crashed a plane. A week before that he cut a ferry in half. Spider-Man is not allowed to be near automobiles. He dumpster dives for his loot to make gear and smacks alien technology with hammers during robotics club to see what will happen.

Daredevil, Jessica jones and Luke Cage sat on a subway side by side so they could go blow up a building together. It’s the dead of night and the police are looking for them. Jessica stole beer from a random guy on the way there. Matt’s not even in costume this time, all three just broke out of jail and everyone thinks they kidnapped the blind lawyer. They are all so so broke.

Deadpool just has a guy he calls who owns a taxi. That’s literally it. I’m not even sure how often he pays the guy but Dopinder gets him from point A to point B without complaint. He lives with Blind Al and makes money by being a mercenary at a sketchy fake bar. The X-man academy won’t accept him and he’s banned off the property. He commits crimes and the NYPD has resolved to just ignoring him because they think he’s an attention seeking brat who will stop terrorizing New York if they give him the silent treatment.

Both the Hawkeyes take the metro. No we don’t have a safe house but we’re crashing in Kate’s apartment until she stops getting targeted by the tracksuit mafia. We also need to walk the dog but that’s besides the point so instead we will be competing for our vigilante suit back in a LARPing event. additionally we are going to hit kingpin with our car and bounce because we need to make it home in time for Christmas.

Frank castle just steals cars. Like on a regular basis. Everyone thinks he’s dead and the guy is causally growing a beard so he can resume his typical activities. At any point in time there’s a 40% chance he’s faking his death or breaking out of jail. He’s probably the only person on this list doing the whole undercover thing right since he actually has safe houses and formal training but he’s also equally as likely to just freestyle it. Frank just walks away from police officers and just says “you do what you gotta do” as if he’s not about to get a bullet to the head. and somehow this works and the federal agents don’t shoot him???

Everyone avoids everyone else like the plague, they always argue about everything and someone always end up hurt or dying or in jail or all of the above. Two of these people make eyes contact and it’s just ten seconds of silence and pathetic disappointed sighs

They are all unfortunately connected by some cruel thread in the universe that makes them run into each other a concerning amount of the time.

Spider-Man goes dumpster diving and finds Matt inside bleeding out. Jessica goes for a stroll and ends up dragging Luke out of a river. Frank ends up fighting with Deadpool over who can get to a target before the other screws up their job. They all make fun of Team Red for having costumes and Spider-Man actually gets self conscious about his outfit. Matt walks into to court and walks directly out again after realizing he has to defend Deadpool. Frank castle spends ten minutes squinting at Spider-Man who’s trying to convince him why killing is bad but gets sidetracked and is now showing him the EPIC musical. Luke cage opens a bar and immediately bans all of them. Not one of them cares that they got banned so they all show up anyway. Peter goes to a press conference to take photos for the daily bugal and somehow ends up on a committing corporate espionage with Kate Bishop. Matt Murdock is at the jail precinct for a case and has to act as if he can’t sense Spider-Man crawling on the walls trying to steal files off an officers desk 20 feet away. Luke needs medical attention and goes to Claire’s places only to get offended by the fact Matt is already bleeding out on her carpet. Nobody has any idea what Wade is doing and nobody wants to know.

Spider-Man and Clint Barton are the only Avengers so they pretend not to know each other because whatever they did last week while in a pinch does NOT need to get brought up in front of Captain America and Thor.

None of them use the terminology “patrol” or “hero” or “mission” they just show up to do whatever it is their doing and get ten times more exasperated when they notice the others.

Nobody knows why these vigilantes are so venomously against being in the same place for more then five minutes but these occasions have been caught on video ( news stations, CCTV, random vlogs, teenagers snap stories)

• Spider-Man and Daredevil are separately chasing kingpins henchmen and end up meeting face to face at a fork in the road. Nobody moves for a few moments before they wordlessly play rock paper scissors. Between Peter’s Spidey Sense and Matt’s radar ability’s they end up getting throwing the same thing eleven times in a row.

• Luke Cage is seen opening his bar, he turns the neon light open sign on before Jessica jones comes flying through the glass display window. Luke slowly blinks refusing to look behind him before turning the neon sign off and walking out and away from the vicinity.

• Deadpool is banging on the entrance to the main doors of the avengers compound demanding to be let in while security forms an unsure circle around him. Clint Barton walks towards the entrance from across the street, Deadpool moves out of the way calmly, Clint doesn’t speak but nods in acknowledgment as he uses his keycard to enter. Deadpool waits for him to be a few feet inside the building before resuming his antics.

• Tony Stark finally decides to introduce Peter to the rest of the avengers, Peter is not taking that mask off he does not give a flying fuck about the accords. Tony is introducing him to the others individually going door by door so not to overwhelm Peter. Spider-Man is not overwhelmed he just wants to go home and stop being presented to the Avengers like a girl scout asking for donations. Hawkeye opens his door and sees Spider-Man is all his exasperated glory. He slams the door directly in Spider-Man’s face. Tony is standing behind Spider-Man absolutely baffled. Spider-Man assures Tony this is a justifiable reaction to his presence.

• Frank castle goes to walk his dog, Kate bishop is also walking her dog. They are walking on the same path from opposite directions. There is a stand off for a few seconds where both pause about 20 feet apart. Both of them pick up their dogs and turn around to leave in opposite directions.

They all can’t stand each other. They would all also take many many bullets for each other. There are strange exceptions to these rules where they are allowed to interact but nobody knows what exactly they are. It’s an unspoken rule, nobody knows it because they were never told. Hence it being unspoken.

All of this is also funnier if you assume some of them have never interacted.

Frank castle and Luke cage having an unexplainable urge to leave the vacantly with no real reason as to why.

Nobody knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Peter assumes everyone knows. Jessica is very confused as to why a 15 year old saw her, visibly paled and booked it in the opposite direction faster then he should be realistically able to.

Nobody acknowledges that there are two Hawkeyes, nobody is allowed to ask which one is which. If one of them commits a crime both get arrested. Kate eats a Tide pod and Clint gets food poisoning.

Matt Murdock will not interact with Deadpool. He refuses. Deadpool doesn’t even know the guy exists. Matt will not represent him in court. He will not be associated in the same sentence as him. Karen calls Deadpool a vigilante and Matt starts sobbing on the floor in anguish.

[gl00mt0mb]

Why is everyone acting as if it’s so insane Princess Twilight Sparkle doesn’t have any guards despite being royalty while she lived in ponyville?

Even if we ignore that she has unparalleled raw magical abilities.

That she is the literal embodiment of magic. That she’s Celestia’s prized pupil and protégé selected solely on her potential from a young age. That she’s an entire alicorn who’s able to harness the power of friendship and quite literally is the princess of magic/friendship.

Even ignoring all of that.

Her older brother is the Captain of the Royal Guard? You really expect me to believe he’s given his only little sister zero self-defense training?

I’m completely convinced in my soul that there was a point in time where the mane six witnessed an assassination attempt on Twilight—political tensions and what not —and before Rainbow Dash or Applejack or anypony else can even processes what’s happening…

Twilight just decks the pony. Knocks them straight out. Perfect form, no hesitation whatsoever. Zero magic. No flying, No earth pony strength. NOTHING. Just muscle memory and Canterlot sass.

Guys they were sending Twilight out on missions like the Winter Solider. They had her on speed dial like a sleeper agent. They gave her a whole entire dragon for zero reason other the she somehow managed to hatch its egg. She was a single pony militia jumping supervillains and then sending back statues reports as if they were goodnight texts. She would sit in her library and research you before she threw down.

In the second episode of the show she made Nightmare Moon say “You’re kidding? You’re kidding right?” In absolute disbelief because she couldn’t comprehend that this random unicorn was about to charge at her.

She was getting sent to run fades in different dimensions. She was getting sent to jump creatures that were the embodiment of concepts. She’s running 1 v 20s with the changelings and reclaiming empires enslaved by tyrannical kings who uses dark magic. She’s absorbing the powers of three other alicorns and using it to smackdown escaped prisoners. She’s getting drafted to dismantle communist cults and fight exploitive capitalist scammers.

Twilight is doing anything and everything except her princess duties. She’s like the House of MLP, someone get this girl to smile and wave.

Why is she running for prom queen? she’s crashing her brothers wedding? Did she just write a book? Is she inventing new magic? Why is she in a comic? They made a dress line after her? Is she fighting a bugbear? I think she just cast a love spell on the whole town? I’m pretty sure she experimenting on Pinky Pie? Wasn’t she the vigilante MareDoWell at one point?

What is a guard gonna do? Cheer her on while she obliterates her enemies with rainbows and lasers?

I miss my crash out purple princess … they nerfed her so hard the second starlight showed up. Hasbro I will never forgive you transgressions against the sassy girl agenda.

[gl00mt0mb]

Spider Shenanigans Part 2

Peter Parker’s ability to lie is completely unhinged and honestly contradicting

You’d think as New York’s mascot when it comes to vigilantism the guy would be able to keep a lid on secrets but it depends completely on the circumstances.

He’s one of those people who gets confused when called a lair. Because he didn’t lie? He just didn’t tell the truth. Nobody’s entitled to every aspect of his life? if they wanted him to tell them the that little detail then they should have asked? He also doesn’t get mad when people lie to him. Like obviously he understands what a betrayal of trust is but he truly believes there’s nothing wrong with a little white lie or two as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

The only difference is that his definition of a “little lie” is completely warped compared to others his age due to his extracurricular activities, also know as getting the shit beat out of him by megalomaniac supervillains every week. While his classmates are lying about cheating on exams and people, Peter’s lying about the giant red stain on the carpet and why he needs ANOTHER backpack.

Peter has the teenager compulsion to lie to authority figures about anything and everything. This is regardless if he has any actual reason to lie. Peter WILL with a straight face look at you dead in the eye and tell you nothing but fibs and falsehoods.

An officer wants to know why he’s out after curfew? Don’t worry about it? His name? Parker, mhm that’s his real name. That curfew wasn’t state mandated only strongly suggested by the NYPD? He can walk alone in alleyways at 2 in the morning if he wants too! there’s no law against takeing a stroll? Has anyone trespassed him? Has anyone accused him of loitering? Is he being detained? I’m that case he’s gonna continue to lay in this alleyway until he remembers how to walk. Also that fire escape was broken when he got here.

The school security guard wants to know the name of the kids he got into a fight with? No idea. Peter wasn’t wearing his glasses. he’s not even really that popular to be honest? Peter has like 1 and 1/2 friends ask anyone! It was all so confusing and suddenly he’s just so scared because those kids were so mean! Also he’s gonna be late for class so he should get going. He actually doesn’t even remember getting hit. Crazy how there are no cameras in this room... anyway he gonna leave now.

May wants to know why he looks like he got into a fight with Godzilla? Crazy story! He was doing some community service when this one guy he knows from that field trip to oscorp totally flipped out! Mhm, Connor had a mean right hook! He went completely off the rails. Peter’s not sure but he thinks he might be on some strange meds, not the prescribed kind! It’s totally fine though nobody else go hurt. Honestly May, the guy only has one hand how much damage could he really do? Also we should turn off the news right now. Save money on electricity and all that. Did Peter mention that he no longer wants to go to the reptile exhibit together?

Being completely transparent Peter’s not even that good at lying, he just doesn’t care that you know he’s lying if you can’t prove it. He’ll walk away mid-conversation if he doesn’t like the topic. He will tell you the most outlandishly obscene things if he thinks it’ll distract you long enough. He will let you scream at him for ten minutes straight demanding answers while zoning out. He doesn’t even care if you have that shit on video. It was AI! Are we sure that wasn’t a Skrull? That’s literally not even him in that video! The degree of avoidant behavior Peter displays the second superhero’s get mentioned is enough to send a therapist into psychosis.

Yet somehow, Spider-Man is an even worse liar than Peter.

The cool thing about haveing a secret identity is that no one can fact check anything you say. Unbeknownst to most, Spider-Man also just tells the truth an alarming percentage of the time. Under the all the distractions, comedy and vague wording is typically the truth.

This leads to nobody knowing if Spider-Man is ever being serious or not. The guys a well known vigilante and people trust him but he enjoys quips and jokes so you have to hold the slightest bit suspicion with everything he says incase there’s a punchline.

Spider-Man will refuse to tell you his blood type while you try to help him not bleed out in a dumpster because that’s how seriously he protects his identity. Spider-Man will send the Daily Bugle clickbait emails containing hate comments about himself for shits and giggles. Spider-Man will just say insane shit for the purpose of breaking tension and getting a few laughs. You really have to take him with a grain of salt.

Only issue with this is obscene and comical occurrences just happen to him regularly enough as it is. Which means superhero’s and vigilantes have to actually pay attention to what he says incase it’s true.

————

Spider-Man: Always carry a bottle of raid with you! Don’t wanna end up like me, bitten by a radioactive genetically modified spider that your super spy parents made in a laboratory while on a field trip! Forced by an unwavering moral compass and immense grief to take the mantel of justice, becoming a voluntary child solider.

Civilian: hahaha! You’re such a jokester Spidey!

Tony Stark : *horrified slow blink *

——

Spider-man : Woah you not even gonna ID me? I’m offended, really I could totally be one of those youngsters! Anyway, No drinks for me! Don’t wanna be swinging under the influence.

Bartender: hahaha no problem Spidey!

Jessica jones: *skeptical side glance*

——

Police officer: You signed the accords Spider-Man! It’s the only reason we’ve let you operate so long unchecked. You have to submit to-

Spider-Man: Nah.

Police officer: What?

Spider-Man: that’s not legally binding.

Police officer: … yes it is?

Spider-Man: No it’s not.

Daredevil: *confused glaring sounds*

Spider-Man dead serious: that’s not legally binding. Nothing I sign is legally binding.

——

Spider-Man: My webbing? Oh thanks! Yeah I actually just break into this one high-school at night and steal their chemicals to make it-

Reed Richard: …

Spider-Man: -yeah! It’s really not that complicated. The webbing I mean! it’s based of the webbing of a spider and it’s honestly just a lot of polymers, proteins and other stuff.

Reed Richard : …

Spider-Man: the issue was getting enough pressure to shot the liquid out before it oxidized, and since I was like 14 when I started developing it the hard part was finding the right parts while dumpster diving-

—

Spider-Man showing selfies he took while on patrol to a journalist: And that’s where i fought an alien. and that’s where I got jumped by an overgrown lizard. And that’s where I cut a ferry in half. And that’s where my Ex-girlfriends dad dropped a warehouse one me-

Karen Page: Hahah Spider-Man’s so silly!

Spider-Man: That’s where I fought Captain America, the winter solider, Ant-man and the falcon-

Karen Page:… didn’t that last one actually happen?

Spider-Man: oh! and this one’s from when that nice Dominican lady give me a churro. Good times…Do you wanna see a photo of me getting hit by a train?

—

[gl00mt0mb]

SPIDER-SHENANIGANS PART 1

I feel as if we don’t get to see enough of Spider-Man in the MCU being a snarky, silly, guy who gets on people’s nerves. We get to see a bunch of Peter’s character development and him being childish but it always feels like they’re too busy putting him through unimaginable horrors instead of letting him be this insanely smart and kind while also unbelievably petty vigilante.

We get glimpses of it here and there in homecoming but I need them to really dial up the messy, bored, reckless teenager aspect of his character

So I now present—

SPIDER-SHENANIGANS, a little tumbler post series I plan on doing containing my own head-cannons of what Spider-Man gets up to when he’s not saving the city.

I think that Spider-Man would enjoy simply signing shit. Firstly nothing he signs holds any power since nobody knows who he is. Secondly he’s a minor, nothing he signs is legally binding regardless.

Peter would be fully aware of both of these things and just go around agreeing to literally anything for the bit.

Daredevil would grow concerned for his younger vigilante friend and try to discourage this believing Spider-Man was just naive and susceptible to being manipulated due to his clearly innocent and pure hearted intentions

Daredevil would give him Matt Murdocks number and tell him to call if he runs into any legal trouble. Daredevil would try and sneak in little lessons about legal issues during team-ups. Daredevil would beg Spider-Man to please please please read the contract before signing with tears in his eyes.

Peter would find this to be the funniest thing ever and keep signing every peice of paper that gets handed his way.

Spider-Man signs legal documents.

Spider-Man agrees to pay for insurance damages on behalf of others,

Spider-Man gets an ordination certificate and officiates people’s marriages for ten bucks.

Spider-Man signs autographs

Spider-Man enlists In the army and actually shows up to boot camp for a few days before disappearing.

Spider-Man gets patents for his webbing, crawling on walls and the hyphen in Spider-Man.

At one point Spider-Man runs to be mayor of New York so that Fisk won’t get the position. As soon as Fisk goes back in jail he drops out but it’s concerning how far into the race he makes it.

Spider-Man gets hired by SHIELD and does nothing but use their technology, eat their food and read their classified documents.

Spider-Man signs away his soul to Mephisto he just wanted to know how far he could take this bit. To the absolute horror of everyone it somehow works and Spider-Man doesn’t get dragged to hell.

Spider-Man would never explain how or why, Spider-Man’s only defense would be “that’s not legally binding!” alongside zero justification as to why the very real contracts written by very expensive lawyers have zero credibility.

Spider-Man would sign the accords and follow through with zero of the outlined terms and conditions.

officer: You signed the accords Spider-Man! It’s the only reason we’ve let you operate so long unchecked. You have to submit to-

Spider-Man: Oh sorry man, uh no thanks…

officer: What?

Spider-Man: that’s not legally binding.

Officer: …yes it is,

Spider-Man: No it’s not.

Daredevil: *confused but supportive glaring*

Spider-Man dead serious: that’s not legally binding. Hey Buddy, Daredevil, tell them it’s not legally binding.

Officer: I watched you sign it? It’s been approved by the states attorneys! we’ve had-

Daredevil: it’s not legally binding.

Officer: … okay…

——

Mephisto: Spider-Man a soul like yours is rare indeed, I’m here to collect the price-

Spider-Man: Hey Daredevil look this guys cosplaying as you!

Daredevil :…is this a…friend of yours?

Mephisto: Ha! Friends? I own him!

Daredevil exasperated: …Kid, you need to stop doing that. For the last time you can’t sell your soul It’s either involuntary servitude or trafficking. Both of which are illegal.

Spider-Man: this guys a total scam. I bet he’s not even really the devil. he’s probably just inhabiting a hell like dimension and using the biblical idea of hell to pray on people’s desperation and influence them into making deals.

Mephisto: You will pay the price! Our contract clearly stated-

Spider-Man: Do I get to ask for an attorney? Wait Red can you be my counsel thing or whatever? Tell the guy that deal wasn’t legally binding.

Daredevil: that deal wasn’t legally binding.

[gl00mt0mb]

Spider-Man definitely plays BlockBlast and candy crush while waiting for the police to pick up villains and criminals.

He also probably spends an excessive amount of time trying to beat the fake ad games and gets upset when he can’t win before the timer exits him out.

[gl00mt0mb]

A03 is unfortunately down for me rn :(

What am I supposed to do now?

Go to sleep? Unlikely, the birds aren’t singing their morning lullaby.

Do my piles of side projects? possibly…depends on the vibes of the next few minutes

Start my summer work? My backpack is all the way on the other side of my room which actually means it’s gone forever.

Consume any other visual media? No, I yearn for the archives alone!

I suppose the only solution is to play hyper specific music while thinking about my little stories and repeatedly refreshing the loading screen…

[gl00mt0mb]

Peter Parker head-cannon that I believe whole heartedly without doubt

After the events of Spider-Man homecoming Peter starts to stray away from superhero’s like the avengers and more towards local vigilantes

It’s not purposefully they just understand how he operates and have mutual respect for him as a fellow vigilante. He finds it easier to work with them with the lack of power dynamics compared to the Avenger missions or orders from SHEILD.

He still sends his regular voice messages to Happy more out of habit then anything thinking no one actually listened to them

—Except for the fact that after the vulture incident his messages are no longer going to his point guy but rather Tony Stark himself.

He never really specifics what’s going on other then a name drop or two, mostly for story telling purposes.

This result in Tony sitting in his workshop at various points trying to decipher the foreboding messages he keeps getting at random hours of the night from this high-school superhero. Stark is convinced that these are kids at school Peter knows because he simply can’t imagine Spider-Man knowing other hero’s that aren’t avengers approved.

(Little snippets of the priorly mentioned voicemails that totally happened because I said they did)

• “Eddie has a giant sweet tooth, one time we were at this restaurant and they ran out of dessert and goes feral! Like they jumped in the fish tank and bit a lobsters head clean off! They might be diabetic or something but it’s rude to ask,”

• “Oh yeah and then Matt and me like made a run for it but it was kinda hard since everyone was shooting at us and Matt’s like blind right? Well not really, but everyone thinks he is so we have to keep it on the down low, especially since the police were walking towards us. So we steal this cat off the side of the road and it’s dark so I just make it a little red webbing vest and pretended its his service animal-“

• “I met Jesse a while back and she’s really cool, anyway we were stalking this one guy a friend of hers knew, and get this! He was totally cheating on his girl with the barista. —Also he ran an illegal gambling room— but the cheating part was insane!”

• “Like sure —Frank scares the shit out of me— but this dog he rescued from a fight club thing is sooooo adorable, I’d kill a man for her. I think Frank already has?”

• “Imagine my surprise when Marc ends up actually being Steven! Steven’s a really good guy it’s a shame he’s British…but he helped me study for my anthropology class so I’ll let it slide,”

• “I wanted to watch Carmen Santiago with her but, Felicia is such a kleptomaniac, I swear I can’t take her anywhere without her trying to pocket my life’s savings in stolen merchandise-“

• “I mean, I don’t have any siblings? but Luke has this weird soap opera style drama with his brother and they had a huge fight! He threw Luke off the side of the bridge because of this argument about who was the favorite as a kid? I don’t really know the whole story but regardless I don’t mind being an only child-“

• “So I call Johnny to ask which flavor he wants but he won’t answer the phone because the giant loser is probably setting himself on fire for attention again-“

• “Kate’s mom kinda sucks, she got arrested for like I don’t know embezzlement and attempted murder or whatever rich people do when they get taxed, But her almost dad lets me use his swords so it’s not all bad.”

• “No and then me and Danny were supposed to get on this flight together but we kinda started freaking out because we were both orphaned due to a plane accident so we just had to catch an uber instead which made us mega late.”

• “And the whole trip was super fun until Wade got us stopped at the security gate because he wouldn’t leave his illegal shit at home. That led to the guard lady realizing the passport you got me was fake, so now I’m sitting in the middle of an interrogation room, and I’m scared they’re gonna deport me. I’m not sure where because I was born in Queens but it’s a real concern-“

• “I meet the strangest guys in the sewers tonight? They were in a fight club and the amount of pizza they ate was obscene, it might’ve…been a gang actually since they had a lot do weapons but I’m willing to look past it since they obviously had some more pressing issues to deal with. Like whatever skin condition they have that made them turn green.”

• “Ughhh— I told Stephen that I needed to borrow one of his books but the guy won’t budge! His library is humongous and I can’t check out one little journal for my Greek mythology unit?”

[gl00mt0mb]

I might become a living example of lost/forgotten media with the frequency I say “but don’t quote me on that-“ after literally any statement I’ve ever made

[gl00mt0mb]

I’m so locked in rn that the locksmith of distraction has given up with the picking set and just started beating me with a crowbar