growingahuman - Tumblr blog

[growingahuman]

Tonight, I laid you down. I laid you down on our bed. The bed all three of us share. The bed that I was so hesitant to bring you into that long, dark night. The bed that seemed so scary a place to lay you. Tonight, I laid you down. And for the first time in your short life, you shut your eyes. I had only turned my back to get the light for you, and you were out like a light yourself. There was no cuddling, there was no feeding to sleep. There was just your small body curled up, comfortable with the familiar scent of family surrounding you, your eyes well and truly closed. 

You did not need me in that moment, but yet you needed me as much as ever. You needed to know that mumma would be there to make you a meal even more special than the last, you needed to know mumma would play with you and laugh at your bath time antics, you needed to know mumma would be there to give you some cuddles to wind down for the night before going to bed. You needed to know that you were safe, and loved, and that your mumma would be there for you if you woke up scared and alone in the dark.  And I was there. I was there every time you woke up scared. I was there every time you felt to scared to drift of. It’s okay, little one, trust me. And you have done. You have trusted me, and you have told me in the best way you know how. Mumma, I trust you. I trust that if I wake scared you’ll come and hold me. I trust that if I wake up hungry you’ll come and feed me. I trust that if I go to sleep tonight, you’ll be there in the morning. And so I will. 

Sleep well, my little love. 

[growingahuman]

Recovery

It has been slow. Just shy of five months post partum and we are still not back to being normal. I'm seeing two specialists and have been referred to a third. But the worst part? I have just had a second family member diagnosed with Crohn's disease. With the stuff that is going on with me I'm going to need to be tested for it now. So I'm kinda freaking out about that.

On the plus side I have gone under my pre-pregnancy weight and feel fabulous. Nate is also going great, aside from some sleep problems.

[growingahuman]

'I'm a failure!'

'Why are you a failure?'

'Because I haven't been able to get Nate to sleep!'

'By your own definition of failure, I'm a failure to.'

'What? No you're not! You're so good with him.'

'Yes I am, but he missed two naps today because nothing I did could get him to sleep, so by your own definition of failure, I too am a failure.'

***

This was a conversation I had with my partner tonight. He puts me on a pedastool when it comes to interacting with our son, and because he thinks he can't do it as well as me he often doesn't try. What he doesn't realise though is that he doesn't see 90% of our day. He doesn't realise that I too have to rock a screaming baby sometimes who won't settle for anything. He just comes home and sees the happy baby who is eagerly awaiting his arrival and assume that is how he has been all day. This parenting gig is hard.

[growingahuman]

Yeah I can hear you playing in your bassinet dude

I'm just gonna go right ahead and pretend your still asleep cause my back is killing me from holding all 6.34kg of you for over an hour trying to settle you for this nap you refuse to take. Party on tiny human. Mumma is gonna go lay on the floor for a while.

[growingahuman]

Let's play a game

Called "is it teething pain, sleep regression, or is my baby just being a jerk?"

[growingahuman]

Some days I consider colouring my hair again cause I miss it so much

Then I have a good laugh at myself because I barely have the time to shower. Like hell I'm gonna have time to dye and maintain coloured hair!

[growingahuman]

Conversations with Nate

Me: Are you tired? Are you ready for bed?

Nate: *bursts into the biggest grin and does an excited gasp* YEA!

Sometimes their reactions seem like a perfect response to what you say even though it isn't an actual reaction from them and you just have to laugh

[growingahuman]

Actually really proud of our efforts. Daddy-o and I are swapping our loungeroom and dining room over to optimising gaming experience, utilise the dining table more (read as: use all six rather than just the two we previously could access) and give tiny human more space for play. Unexpected it to be a two day job in all honesty cause we have some really heavy furniture and lots of little fiddling bits, and cause tiny human is highly demanding on time. We're nearly done and still have about 6 hours of daylight so were doing considerably well!

[growingahuman]

Lesson learned

Will not consume coffee while breastfeeding.

[growingahuman]

And if a child hands you an imaginary cup of tea that they so carefully poured You, you drink that cuppa like it's the best tea you've ever drunk!

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and “smooth it out.”

[growingahuman]

You know how I promised you all a little girl?

Introducing NATHANIEL!

At 8:34 pm, after being induced at 2pm, on the 12th October, I gave birth to a healthy 8.36 pound, 50cm long bubba!

I had one midwife for most of my labour. A lovely lady named Cass, who was so supportive and helped me make it through labour with gas and a single shot of morphine. We talked a lot to distract me. Of course I told her all about our gender reveal, done at my baby shower at 32 weeks after finding out the gender at the morphology scan. We told her of the names we had in mind, but explained we were waiting to meet little miss before we settled on a name.

The labour itself was actually a really pleasant (despite painful) experience. I explained to Cass that I wanted to work up the ladder of pain relief one step at a time, and wanted to avoid an epidural at all possible costs. She was so supportive of this. Since I was induced the pain was very suddenly there and she helped me move about and talked me through each contraction. When I told her it was time to take the first step and get the gas going she got right on it.

I managed to stay on gas until about 6pm when it was getting too much. The contractions were bareable- it was the back pain due to the back labour that was not. When I told Cass that it was time to look at the next step up for pain management, she told me we would need to look at our options. Every contraction I had was making bubs heart rate drop. Morphine was the next step but they were concerned that it would affect baby negatively so she wanted to check with a doctor before going ahead. When the doctor came in, they suggested an epidural. Cass was very supportive and tried to discuss alternatives, but with the gas not being effective enough and the doctors recommendations, I agreed to at least speak with an aneasthatist to see what they recommended.

When they came along and I explained what was happening, they suggested that an epidural would not be the best options and suggested trying different positions instead. With his opinion I opted not to have the epidural.

That decision lasted a whole of half an hour. That was when I felt the need to push. Now, at 4pm I had a cervical check, and was 5cm dilated. When I told them it was time to push, they panicked. They told me if I pushed at anything less than 10 cm I could stop my labour and need a C-section. They told me I had to fight the urge to push (HA!), and they rushed the doctor back in to discuss options because every contraction told me I HAD to push. It was then that it was decided an epidural was required because that was the only thing that would stop that pre-emptive need to push. Only problem? The aneasthatist had been called of for an emergency operation. I would be next.

Half an hour passed. I was in agony fighting this urge. When I asked Cass when they would check my cervix again, she said it was too soon and they would only perform them routinely every 4 hours dye to a risk of infection. However, if they have a reason to they will perform them as necessary. My response, ‘I don’t suppose me asking is reason enough?’ Surely enough it was and without a second thought I put in the request because something wasn’t right and I wanted to bloody well push! Thankfully to her elation when she checked she told me we were ready to go. She had someone else check, just to make sure, but indeed we were at the 10 cm mark. At 7pm I was allowed to push!

About 10 minutes after that the aneasthatist walked in. I was so glad I insisted on checking because I managed to avoid that epidural I so surely didn’t want.

An hour and a half in total I spent pushing. It was slow and painful to me, but it was so so worth it. A second midwife came in during this time to assist. She stood by my side and as Cass pulled my baby out and handed her over, this second midwife asked 'so what have we just delivered?’ Cass, who was so caught up in the moment, called out 'It’s a little boy!’

You could see the look on her face the moment she realised that was not what we were expecting. Daddy-o and I looked at each other and then back at Cass, before asking the other midwife to show us. Indeed, as she pulled back the umbilical cord, there HE was.

The first thing I wanted to do was call my mum and nan. We had been joking ever since the gender reveal that I would have to call her up and tell her little Evelyn wasn’t an Evelyn after all. All of our instincts never quite agreed with being told to expect a girl but who were we to argue with the sonographer? I couldn’t believe, holding this tiny baby to my chest, that I would actually get to make that comment.

We kept on the down low until visiting hours though. We wanted to see everyone’s reactions in person. I ended up with a 3rd degree tear (which ended up in a spinal tap despite my luck of getting out of the epidural!), and I didn’t leave recovering until 1am. It was then I sent my mother a vague message saying we were alright and that she could come visit in the morning, with a distant photo in case it was obvious to them it wasn’t a little girl.

Everyone’s reactions were priceless. A few of my co-workers actually thought I had called a little girl Nathaniel, while others picked up on the fact it was a little boy.

Since then things have been crazy hectic but Nate is getting into a good pattern and is growing so quickly! And I love him with all my heart 💙💙💙

[growingahuman]

39 weeks 2 days

5:30 am I woke up to that distinct 'pop'. I knew what it was and it terrified me. As soon as I stood up from bed (with a lot of effort to not ruin the bed) that distinct sensation of my waters rushing free hit me. I just looked at my partner who was bleary eyed and didn't know what was happening and said 'I did not just pee myself!'

He froze so I had to start instructing him what to do as I waddled around the house with fluid flooding everywhere! Called the hospital and let them know I was coming in, got the bags sorted, and then got in the car and off we went.

I've been at the hospital since 6:30 (it's now midday). The contractions got quite painful while they had me strapped to the monitor but since then the pain has subsided. We were just about to discuss whether we should go home and wait for labour and when we would need to come back when they explained an induction could be arranged asap. After discussing it, we've decided to take that option. It means I won't get the water birth I hoped for but it means less chance of infection of stress to bubba so I can handle that.

[growingahuman]

39 weeks 1 day

Some times it's the little things.

Like checking your pay slip and seeing maternity pay was more than you budgeted for it to be.

Like waking up to a fridge full of cookies home made by your partner.

Like knowing every bit of pain I'm currently going through brings me one step closer to having a baby in my arms, no matter how long it takes.

Like seeing your pay come through several hours earlier than it normally does.

Like knowing you can go and do the shopping tonight, and that you won't have to worry about making food when you get home because you spent all day slow cooking a chicken soup.

[growingahuman]

Guess who had an eventful day today at 39 weeks? Us! Woke up at 4 am because of sever back pain. I thought that was it, it was so horrible I couldn't sleep so after a few repositionings not working to ease the pain I decided to migrate to the recliner. I propped myself up on pillows and thought 'wow, this is much better. I can sleep!' Just as I start drifting off again? Contraction followed with back pain. Okay, weird. Happens again. I spend about half an hour lying down with this coming and going before deciding yup let's time this shit since it seems to be frequent and getting more painful. Of course as soon as I start timing they lessen. After about 2 hours of all this I decide that if it is labour I may as well get some sleep before it gets intense, and moved back to bed. Funnily enough, my partner didn't realise I did and in his sleep knees me something chronic in the butt and was so apologetic. It didn't actually hurt but I was in so much pain he thought he caused it. Bless him. Then I had my 39 week GP appointment and my blood pressure was at 150/95. So she did all her usual checks and then sent me to the hospital (this isn't the first time I've had high blood pressure, and protein has been found both this time and last Time, so she wanted me to get bloods at the hospital to make sure everything was okay). Two hours, baby monitoring, and then discharged because everything was all good. After all this excitement I got to then go and see my grandparents who drove 12 hours to be present for the birth of their great grandchild! I feel so lucky to have them. Every time I felt a contraction or a kick or back pain my nan got so worried which was sweet. All in all an exciting day! And to end it all daddy-o is making chocolate chip cookies 😊

[growingahuman]

You followed my primary blog @dangerouslymagnificentheart which is what my replies always come under (hence why I've taken to reblogging - less confusing haha)

That, and it's really hard to enjoy swollen feet and having it take a few minutes to roll over in bed every time you're uncomfortable!

My patience for people is non existent. I’m almost 40 weeks and if one more person tells me to be patient and baby will come on their own time, ill slice their face. 🙃

[growingahuman]

Or people saying to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm no thank you. I've enjoyed the last 38 weeks. Now I want her out because I'm sitting at home doing nothing. Maternity leave isn't meant to be a holiday! Ugh.

My patience for people is non existent. I’m almost 40 weeks and if one more person tells me to be patient and baby will come on their own time, ill slice their face. 🙃

[growingahuman]

The nesting is real, yo

10 pm. Doing washing and cleaning the kitchen.

Also lots of cramps and contractions! Please be a good sign 🤞