half-in-half-out

[half-in-half-out]

I think the most hilarious place to put Post-Canon Sokka would have been the university at Ba Sing Se. I think he would have made a great unhinged professor. Also, in true Sokka fashion, he should have completely dodged fame. Momo is more famous than he is.

He wants to demonstrate to the class how this thing called electricity works, so he's going to be bringing in a Firebender, so everybody be cool, we're all friends here... and in walks Princess Azula of the Fire Nation. One-time conqueror of the city. One of the students is currently writing an essay on how her brief rule of the city affected fruit trade. She says she considers the class to still be her subjects as she doesn't acknowledge any pretenders to any of her thrones, but for now you're exempted from bowing and "Your Highness" will do. It's a really interesting lecture.

"Okay, guys - hey, listen up, everyone - I won't be here next week, me and Aang are going to-" yeah right, sure, Professor Sokka knows the Avatar. Except, of course, the Avatar walks in sheepishly and says that Appa might have gotten into Sokka's hybrid crops, and then you all have to sit there and watch your professor chase the Avatar around with a sword.

One postgrad student is specializing in Water Tribe Cultures. She's currently studying the massive cultural shift that happened in the Northern Water Tribe at the end of the war - oh, and Professor, I absolutely know that you're from the Southern Water Tribe, but it's just that the shift started with Master Katara, and of course I don't think that every person from the South knows one another haha it's just that I need to ask her some questions and I thought maybe you could help me write a letter or write a letter of introduction or...

Sokka looks at her blankly and goes "yeah, she's my sister. KATARA!" which is followed by a faint answering "fuck you!" from Somewhere and to the horror/elation of our postgrad, Master Katara bursts in and is promptly beaned in the head with a rock by Professor Sokka. Her brother. her hero and her professor are siblings and currently brawling on the floor.

Sokka does not teach or study history, but he does sometimes sit in on lectures about recent history. Whenever he does, several doctoral students flock in to sit near him (even if it's an intro course) so that they can eavesdrop on his grumbling. (No matter how they try, an "overheard utterance" is not a valid source according to their professors. No, we have no sources on the Avatar's bison taking part in combat - sky bison are not war animals and...)

He gets regular deliveries with the Beifong family crest on them, and he goes "sweet, Toph must have found some new minerals" and at this point nobody needs to ask which Toph. He seems to have friends everywhere, literally everywhere. Wang was headed out to this massive swamp to study if it's one big organism, and Sokka told him to find some guy named Hue and "don't mind the loincloth." One time the university gets shut down because the Earth King wants to visit. Oh, visit the University? What an honor- Of fucking course not, he wants to visit Professor Sokka, who yells at him and his royal guards for interrupting his day. The Earth King and his many, many royal guards then sheepishly say sorry and file out.

The last straw is when - not a week after he yelled at the Earth King - the assistant head of the Political Science dept walks in to the faculty lounge to find Sokka having tea with a nice normal man dressed in Earth greens for once, and can't resist a little joke. "Let me guess, you're having tea with the Fire Lord." And then she can instantly tell that she fucked up, because both of them go stock still.

So when the two men awkwardly stand up and proceed to introduce the Fire Lord whose portrait she has in her office because she is the assistant head of Political Science as Li, a server at the Jasmine Dragon, she just says "hello Li" and leaves to find a bottle of something strong.

[half-in-half-out]

Literally this!!! I didn’t realise I was an anxious overthinker for the first 19 years of my life bc I was such an avid fangirl of things! Thought about them and talked about them so much, then I read and watched things less frequently and got blindsided by the number of negative thoughts that my train of thought now had space for 

the human mind is prone to catastrophizing when left unoccupied. And that’s why it’s important to always have a little Blorbo to rotate in your head. It acts as a protective charm of sorts to redirect your imagination away from harmful spirals

thoughts without Blorbo: oh my god I was so cringe in seventh grade why did I do that

thoughts with Blorbo: I haven’t considered the interactions with bleebus; I must rectify this immediately

[half-in-half-out]

Sometimes you find a new story and getting into it is like "Oh! This is home! I can live here :)" and it becomes part of your comfort zone forever. Sometimes it's more like "This is a nice place to visit, but it's not quite my home. It's somebody else's," like when you're at a friend's or acquaintance's for a party. Sometimes it's more like a church, or a museum, or a library — "This is a beautiful space, and I can tell I'm welcome here, but I'm not quite equipped to treat it as home."

And sometimes finding a new story is like "This would be a terrible place to live, but that's a really nice chair..." Then you steal the furniture and take it home with you.

(*Note: this is about stories and not fandoms. Fandoms are more like cities or settlements, and finding homeliness in one of them is an entirely different proposition.)

[half-in-half-out]

The Doctor's Name

Would you want to know what it was? Please comment because I'm curious about people's opinions!

I don't think I would try to learn the Doctor's name even if I found out the showrunners had plans to share it, nor do I think they should tell us their name. Don't get me wrong I've always desperately wanted to know, but the show has always really fed off that desire-fueled intrigue.

Like, at the moment, their name could be anything, literally anything in the entire spectrum of what's phonetically possible because it goes beyond human language norms. And there's no way to give us a name that could contain and effect the same boundless potential and mystery that not knowing their name does.

To me, it feels like it would be a let-down at this point given the sheer span of how long the show's been running and the many different selves the Doctor has been. What name could live up to the sheer reputation the Doctor has at this point in a satisfying way?

[half-in-half-out]

I just watched Avatar for the first time all the way through, and yeah, it’s great, but the one thing that surprised me was how different Katara was compared to the fandom interpretation I’d seen and internalized before watching.

Like, before you watch Avatar, you’ve seen all these memes about Katara and her mom, and based on those memes, you assume it’s one of those lines you have to get used to hearing at least once every episode. But then you watch the show and realize that she only talks about her mom maybe five or six times per season and you also realize she only brings her up when she’s trying to comfort someone or empathize with them because that’s how she processes her grief and that’s one way she connects with people.

Or you hear the infamous line, “then you didn’t love [our mother] the way I did” and you prepare yourself for one of the worst character assassinations ever only to see the scene after nearly three seasons worth of context and realize she was kinda right. She’s been the mother, the nurturer, the comforter. She’s been patient, gentle, and accommodating where everyone else has gotten to be insensible and reckless and childish, and the one moment where she allows herself to feel her grief, suddenly she’s this evil bitch and not, y’know, a 14 year old girl whose been thrusted into adulthood in a way no other character has. A 14 year old girl who should be allowed immaturity and raw emotion and anger instead of the patience and grace she’s been forced to extend to every character without even the smallest amount of gratitude or even consideration in return.

Or you see all of the clips where Katara puts Aang in the “friendzone” and you expect to have this wishy washy back and forth where Aang is putting his feelings out there only to have Katara neither commit nor express any clear reciprocation or rejection. Then you watch and realize that, as cute as the ship is initially, that there’s never a point where Aang returns any comfort or grace to Katara despite her always doing this for him to the point of coddling. That for as much as Aang says he loves her, he never seems to outgrow his perception of her so he can recognize her as someone who feels grief, anger, and pain as much as she expresses love, kindness, and maturity. And instead of having moments where he learns to see her beyond her strength or compassion, you’re instead given moments where Aang forces his feelings onto her, both romantic and non-romantic, and Katara is expected to just…shoulder those feelings the way she shoulders everyone else’s.

Katara is the most misunderstood character in the show. As much as people recognize the complexities of Zuko, Sokka, and Azula, they struggle to do the same for Katara because they see her struggles as somehow lesser, and therefore, less deserving of sympathy. They can handle her so long as she’s being endlessly patient and loving and kind, but the moment her endless love, patience, and kindness runs out, she’s suddenly this annoying bitch who can’t shut up about her mother or reciprocate Aang’s feelings. But Katara’s trauma does matter as much as anyone else’s. No, she wasn’t banished from her kingdom. No, she didn’t lose her entire community, and no, she isn’t the only one who lost her mother. But the difference between her and everyone else whose experienced loss because of the Fire Nation is that she’s never given time to process her trauma. Aang gets to lean on Katara constantly. Toph gets to express her feelings to Katara, and yeah, Sokka also lost their mother, but unlike Katara, he isn’t put in the position of being a substitute for everyone’s parent. He even admits that he sees his sister as a mother. The only characters who ever comfort Katara or allow her to vent is Zuko and her father and that’s, like, three scenes in a show where the other characters are consistently given opportunities to seek out Katara for unconditional support.

The fandom interpretation of Katara has been so bastardized that even those who haven’t watched the show know her for this fanon version and not for who she is. She’s such an interesting character beyond her fandom limitations, though. She’s brave, hot-headed, and hopeful as well as gentle and caring. She wishes to learn waterbending, not only because she wants to fight in the war, but because she wants to continue her culture’s practices because, and people often forget this, she also lost an entire subculture within her already fractured tribe. And she wants to defeat the Fire Nation both because of her deep love and empathy for other people, but also because she wants to avenge her mother. But because some of the fans have reduced Katara to a bitch who constantly whines about her mother and friendzones Aang, you wouldn’t know any of this, and it sucks because she’s the only character whose been dumbed down to such an extent.

[half-in-half-out]

It's common knowledge that Zuko and Aang, throughout the duration of ATLA, are a mirror of one another; a reflection of each other - not necessarily opposites but parallels.

So whilst I was analyzing the finale of the show, I noticed a really interesting parallel between our two protagonists:

Zuko was close to dying in his final confrontation with Azula and what pulled him back up, what saved him from dying was water. More necessarily Katara's healing abilities - but nonetheless, his opposing element saved his life.

On the other hand, Aang throughout his harrowing fight against Ozai utilizes Earthbending time and time again to save himself, techniques that we've come to associate with Toph (rock armor and seismic sense). And to access the Avatar State, that had since been blocked, Earth had been the ultimate catalyst to unlocking his Seventh Chakra.

And if we take into consideration what Guru Pathik told Aang - to unlock the Seventh Chakra he would have to let go of Katara. In a sense, this could have been a visual representation of how Aang lets go of his love for Katara, and how Toph (Earth) could take up that role.

Earth, his opposing Element, saves his life.

It's also interesting that our protagonists' conclusions and destinies are integrally tied to the aforementioned girls. Destiny and Fate are two major themes in ATLA, alonside the moral lesson shared to us by Uncle Iroh about the unity of the four elements and how each element can learn and grow from the other.

Zuko's destiny to bring honor to Fire Nation whilst also challenging his conflicting natures (Sozin vs. Roku; Ozai/Azula vs. Iroh) would have never come into fruition had it not been for Katara. Katara was the first person (other than his Uncle) to show him genuine compassion and humanity, she was the first person to glimpse into his true, kind and gentle nature. Additionally, had she not fought alongside Zuko to defeat Azula and save his life, he would have never been able to step up to the Throne and fulfill his destiny. Thus Katara is linked and bound to Zuko's destiny.

Aang's destiny was to restore peace to the world and end The One Hundred Year War. The Aang we meet during Book One - is timid and soft, a strong bender and with limitless potential, but he lacked the confidence, the back-bone, the grounding to step-up to his duties as the Avatar and defeat Ozai. Katara coddled him and never challenged him to look beyond himself. It's only after meeting Toph does Aang begin to confront his opponents with a different viewpoint, he gains a certain matureness in himself and suddenly we see him step up into his role and responsibilities. Toph's Earthbending not only saves him from death but it also gave him the strength to face his destiny. Thus, Toph is linked and bound to Aang's destiny.

It would have tied a lot of unexplored themes as well as provide a more satisfying conclusion (Aang entering the Avatar State because he followed through with Guru Pathik's lessons instead of pointy rock triggers it) and it would have been cohesive with the narrative thematic of ATLA.

I'm still astonished at how badly Bryke fumbled the bag with their romantic sub-plots. 🗿

[half-in-half-out]

Upload S1x06 “The Sleepover”

[half-in-half-out]

every day i am percieved™️

[half-in-half-out]

When you think about it past all the angst and whatnot, Japril as a ship is comedic gold. Started boning because they had test anxiety. Their second time having sex was in a public bathroom and one party later insisted they’re a virgin. Had a pregnancy scare, got engaged, and broke up in the SAME SHIFT at work. The jealousy storyline started because one of them invited the other to go to a wedding with one of their colleagues (against their will). Interrupted a whole ass wedding to run off together and then pretended that they weren’t together for weeks to all of their family and friends despite having eloped. Realized there were consequences to their actions and were just 😡 about it. Got divorced because they have the communication skills of a peanut lying on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse (none). One of them was pregnant and didn’t tell the other for an extremely long time which led to a custody battle that lasted like six episodes before they were peachy again. Oh wait! Now she’s dying in labor! Wait no she’s fine. Let’s move in together! Both of them have feelings for each other which culminates in them sleeping together and they’re literally raising a child together and for all intents and purposes #married but then they get Divorce Number Two and one of them is so distraught they start to date their step sibling. She gets married to dude she left at the altar who is just okay with it because his wife died? Step sibling is more shocked by the fact that he’s clearly still in love with his ex wife than like. The sibling thing. They break up. He goes through some not as serious relationships/situationships. Convinces Dream Wife to Move to Boston where they presumably had inappropriate sex and got back together and then became the only confirmed end game ship on the show. Legendary, those two. No fucking notes except yes fucking notes and Krista Vernoff is getting my therapy bill.

[half-in-half-out]

Just thinking about the Doctor's and River's relationship again. Who said "Spoilers" first? A very early incarnation of River wanted to know "that word that [he's] always saying" but he first heard the word when he was Ten, in the Library, and heard it repeated as an inside joke of sorts by River, only to then…teach it to her? Same situation with "Hello, sweetie".

[half-in-half-out]

The Witcher Family

That incredible amazing feeling when the found family doesn't just behave within family dynamics, but actively states that they are in fact a family:

Ciri saying Geralt is the father she never had

Yennifer saying "I love you, my daughter" to Ciri

Geralt always claiming Ciri as 'his' to others

Jaskier saying he has to go find his family

I LOVE IT!!!

[half-in-half-out]

Realising I love the Regina-Mills- and Petra-Solano-coded characters aka I'm-not-a-villain-I'm-just-heavily-traumatised-and-I-have-an-incredibly-toxic-parent, specifically the way that their relationship with the MC changes for the better when they've healed. And somehow in both characters' cases they were co-parents with the MC

[half-in-half-out]

River Song

Genuinely have to say, River is REMARKABLY well-adjusted considering literally everything about her life: kidnapped as a literal baby; raised as an assassin and orphan (but then she meets her parents as children, so they kind of raised her with morals by proximity?); finally meets her mark, the man she's literally been raised to kill, and makes the attempt only to then save his life by giving up all of the rest of hers; falls in love with him but never knows how much he'll know her when they meet, or if he'll even know they're together or married; never truly feels as though he loves her back; loses her parents because they chose to stay with said man; immediately after feeling unloved spends 24 years in marital bliss with him; then the next time she sees him he has absolutely no idea who she is at all, not even the faintest inkling, and subsequently realises he has known when, where, how, and why she's going to die for the ENTIRETY of them knowing each other, let alone their relationship.

And somehow she was one of the sanest people on the show (she gets it from Rory, definitely not from Amy).

Also she technically set Amy and Rory up aka her parents?? I love time travel stories fr.

[half-in-half-out]

Haven't been able to stop thinking about the thematic parallels between the Joey-Pacey-Dawson and Olivia-Jake-Fitz dynamics since it occurred to me.

A guy and a girl who basically orbit each other are together, but then one breaks it off due to what they perceive as a deep betrayal by the other. While they're broken up, the guy asks his friend to watch over his ex to make sure she's alright.

The ex and the friend become friends, then lovers, but are always friends at the core of it (and the ghost of the first guy hangs like a guillotine over the relationship as both a deterrent and a measuring stick for really its entire duration).

All three of them then become embroiled in this volatile love triangle, where she has to decide between what she's always believed is her endgame but has always been a struggle, and the easy love she didn't expect that challenges her to move in a different direction.

She will struggle to make a choice and stick with it for the entire show. The friendship between the two guys is never the same again.

[half-in-half-out]

That Olivia Loved Jake

The idea that Olivia didn’t love Jake because she never said the words is such a remarkably simple take on such a complex character that it's astounding. I’ve never been so frustrated with part of a fandom for on-the-whole missing something blatantly obvious just because it wasn’t explicitly spelled out for them. I'm not asking all of you olitzers to convert, just be willing to open your eyes, because I was an olitz fan that just saw how attached the writers were to not committing to what eventually ended up being the better option.

Disclaimer: I haven't watched the last two seasons, only looked into specific plot points, so I might have missed some small detail in a scene or episode. If there's anything that proves what I've said wrong, I would genuinely love to know!

Firstly, we’ve seen what Olivia is like when she doesn’t really care about someone she’s seeing. Edison. Russell. It’s a STARK difference. Enough said.

Secondly, I choose to believe that when Olivia chooses not to correct things that are stated, it is very relevant. Going beyond the numerous times that “Olivia loves Jake” has been thrown around (that Olivia has never once disputed), near the beginnings of Olake in 3x12 we have these moments between Olivia and Fitz where she doesn’t try to assure him that nothing serious is happening with Jake. Of course, there’s Olivia’s “Jake by my side is for me”, but they’re both amped up—especially Olivia—and it’s political. But in a quieter moment, when Fitz calmly asks her if she has feelings for Jake, all she has for him is:

[O]: “Honestly, I don’t know.”

I wouldn’t usually put much stock in it considering it’s so ambiguous, but saying that to Fitz? The island hasn't even happened yet. He’s literally the one person she should deny anything and everything to, considering he was fairly convinced at times that he was losing her to Jake, and she wasn’t exactly proving otherwise. In season 4 when she's looking for Jake, she freely claims him as her boyfriend when speaking to Quinn, and later when she calls Fitz he refers to Jake as her boyfriend and she just…doesn't correct him.

Jake too outright calls her his girlfriend to Fitz's face (after she's done everything she can to exonerate Jake + figuratively and literally threatened her relationship with Fitz by refusing to believe that Jake killed his son and her close friend based on nothing other than her faith in him, and also saying that true harm to Jake would be the end of their relationship) and she doesn't so much as shift in Fitz's direction. She is completely focused on Jake in those moments, maybe because it's the first time she hears him say that. Up until this point it's repeatedly always been:

[J]: "I'm not your boyfriend, Olivia." [O]: "I know."

Beyond that, the fact that Olivia didn’t explicitly say “I love you” to Jake doesn’t mean much in my opinion when she’s continuously demonstrated that she’s probably the biggest commitment-phobe on the show. She’ll chase the dream of love and happiness when it’s unattainable, but balks in the face of it when it’s within her reach. She does it time and time again with Fitz. She’s endlessly waiting for when they can be together, but seemingly never ready when they actually can be. Fitz himself comes to that realisation when she seems to be climbing the walls of the White House after moving in:

[F]: “Before. I was unavailable before. You liked me unavailable.”

And in another instance again:

Part of the clip’s transcript: [O]: “…so why did you do it (propose)?” [F]: “Because I love you. Because you are what I want. But obviously you don’t feel the same. Some fantasy, right?” [O]: “We’re not ready.” [F]: “You’re not ready, and you know what I think? You never will be.” [O]: “That’s not fair.” [F]: “Then answer the question, Olivia. What is it that you want?”

And when asked, she’s silent. Not because she doesn’t love him. But because for whatever reason, she can’t let herself be happy. Olivia herself knows this (points for being self-aware, I guess):

[O]: "When I was with Fitz, I was happy you [Mellie] were around too. With you around, I didn't have to…I had an out. You, you were my out, Mellie. You kept him unavailable. So I left, for the same reason you stayed. Because I was scared."

One incredible user on here @zalrb does a good job of explaining, among so many wonderful things, how there were no real obstacles to the Olitz endgame beyond Olivia herself, simply because of how often Fitz was completely committed to being with her, at which point she'd double down on something being in the way. She will go all in and be open about being in the relationship, declarations of love and all, until she actually can afford to be. Then, she turns to self-sabotage. That’s been the dynamic: Fitz pushes, and she pulls away.

And when else do we see that habit of hers in the show? Enter Jake Ballard and the relationship she can actually be in and doesn't realise she's chasing.

From the absolute start the BIGGEST difference between the relationships, romantic or otherwise, is that Jake is available. He’s present, and he can be. He and Olivia have a connection that could actually be taken further. Any moves she makes will lead to results. She’s not “stealing” any moments with him that he “should” have with someone else, they’re just…being together. She only knows him available, and progress with him probably snuck up on her as a result. Knowing her at this stage, the realer their relationship got the more scared she'd be, and she'd increasingly want to run.

[O]: "I thought we could have some dinner and talk about how our days went."

Despite this though, even when they aren’t together, they’re with each other. They're a team, a 'you and me', a 'we'. Fitz might have been her lover, but Jake was her person. They have a foundation to their relationship that stays steady, regardless of if they’re actually involved at that time or not. She confides in him. She trusts him. She brings her walls down with him. She turns to him for comfort and advice. She literally keeps her place stocked with beer just because he drinks it when he’s there. Only him. I ask this genuinely, has she ever made any attempt to accomodate literally anyone else in her life by making room for them?

[O]: "Whatever happens next, we will figure it out."

[O]: "We are very, very good together."

It’s not to say she never opens up like this with Fitz, but who else besides her "great love" is she consistently willing do this with? And not just be caught up in the moment, actually initiate it, like when she actively calls Jake and opens up about them, her mother, and her associated fears about love. Let's not even get started on the number Olivia's father did on her ability to seek and accept love she doesn't need to break herself to pursue, or view as "weak" and mediocre. At one point she's actively concerned about marrying Fitz, and whether she has the ability to be "a married person", and instead of talking about it with, I dunno, Fitz himself, she calls Jake:

[O]: “I need to know what to do, you’re who I talk to.”

There's this small moment at Harrison's funeral that really struck me. She's understandably upset, and just before had been grieving Harrison's death with the rest of OPA. But throughout it, she keeps herself composed, instead acting as a rock for Abby. But once they all leave she's stuck in it for a little bit, until Jake simply reminds her that he's there with a touch, and she suddenly loses it completely, and turns to him for support. She allows him to be her rock in that moment. Truly, how often does she just surrender to someone else without it being a battle of wills, like it so often is with Fitz?

"Olivia used Jake." In a way, yes. She was definitely selfish with him, and half the time she was fighting her own defensive instincts to not get too attached. It was so unhealthy for them both for her to continually try to lean on him and keep him close, and hold herself back in often the same breath. But to say that she didn’t care about him just undermines their relationship, in all its forms. I mean, it’s not like the things she used him for were easy-breezy for her, at times it took something out of her.

Sometimes she pushes through her own walls though. I consider it such a big moment when she talks to him about her kidnapping in season 4, because I literally cannot think of a single other instance that she truly opens up about it (bonus, when she was kidnapped, who was it she pictured rescuing her?). The scene is also such a good example of her avoidant tendencies kicking in, because she stays only long enough to say her piece, be vulnerable, then is immediately gone when the recount ends (Jake literally barely says her name before she’s up and leaving).

They had a relationship that was rooted in the day to day moments, in the reality of life, and it was always reality that broke Fitz and Olivia, whose relationship comprised of ephemeral, stolen moments where they were in their own world. She not only lets herself be upset or lost in Jake’s presence (and that’s a huge concession for someone who wields confidence, control and intelligence as weapons), she lets herself be happy. In the absolute midst of another go-around with Eli, she does something we haven’t seen her do, ever: let loose, smile widely, and dance. And it’s Jake she does it with. While they BOTH are actively beefing with her father, they make a moment of joy together. And then we never see them this happy again because she’s traumatised and generally becomes colder.

So many times throughout the show, Olivia puts Fitz on the pedestal of being her great love, the one for her, she can’t be without him, and on and on. BUT throughout the show, Olivia also happens to place Jake in a position congruent to Fitz, and makes it known to BOTH of them.

[O]: “I felt something with you last night, and that feels like betrayal.” To Jake

[O]: “I know about him the way I know about you.” To Fitz

[O]: “I want Vermont with Fitz. I also want The Sun with you.” To Jake

Not only does she group the two of them, she also establishes that some aspects of her relationship with Jake are exclusive to only them, and that no one, not even Fitz himself, can touch them. The fact that Olivia—who is always so quick to remind Jake that she loves Fitz—gets offended when Jake implies that and says:

is not talked about enough. Especially the fact that she doesn't correct his assertion to Fitz that she loves him, but chooses to correct simply referencing someone else with the sun. It’s her putting Jake and The Sun, in a position apart from everyone else (imo “another man” is an insane way to refer to the apparent love of your life, but that’s just me) in a way that almost seems she feels Jake should know better.

Fitz himself makes an observation literally just after this when she's extremely reluctant to kiss him despite them being completely alone:

[F]: "You don't want me to kiss you because of Jake. This is interesting. No, really, it is. You don't know what to do. Is it disloyal to want me or is it disloyal to want him?"

In the same way that Fitz was in the middle of her and Jake's relationship, Jake was often in the middle of her and Fitz. Ultimately though, what people (olitzers) forget is that she chose Jake. She literally makes an active decision to be with him in 5x18, and she says:

[O]: “I’m ready to be happy.”

That Olivia could admit that? Not only to herself, but to others? Keeping in mind that she started that season with Fitz? It's huge progress.

And the only reason she doesn’t go through with it is because the narrative doesn’t give her the permission to. It’s also not lost on me that the one and only time we hear her discount her feelings, actually say she doesn’t love Jake, is when she’s doing everything in her power to make him believe it so that he isn’t killed. She was devastated as she walked away, visibly sick to her stomach to have done that to Jake, and correcting his understanding was her first priority when she sees him again afterwards. It's also another time she's latched onto him when letting him go would be easier for her and Fitz, but hey.

Towards the end of the show though, the writers truly switched up or went off the deep end or started doing drugs or something, because the 5x18 erasure from the narrative and Olivia's mind was very real. There's jealousy sometimes, sure, but not the kind you'd think would follow a big decision falling through (and she's lowkey highkey always been possessive of Jake). They both stray so far from "the sun", as a pair and individually, despite how much stress they had put on standing there together. The biggest admission I can think that she ever makes to him again is in season 6, when they are far from being a couple. It's an acknowledgement that they both lost something in sacrificing their relationship:

[O]: "There has to be a reason, or else why did I do this to you? Why did I do this to myself?"

Look at the way she's looking at him. The way she always looks at him.

'Looks' are one of the biggest ways that Olivia tries to communicate with him, because so often in the place of speaking, she'll just be looking at him. And he gets it. He can read her so very easily.

I don't think anyone else in the show has the same claim to the "partner" title that Jake does, however you want to take that word. We never saw her rely on, trust and open herself up to someone quite like she did with Jake.

Whenever Olivia spoke about "standing in the sun" with Jake, she's talking about the lived experience of their fantasy. Like, yes, Olitz got the big sweeping speeches and the verbal declarations of love, the constant waxing poetic about Vermont and jam and the vague outlines of a future, but truly not the substance.

Would Fitz recognise the taste of the '94 du Bellay, or even know the name? Know what to get Olivia from Gettysburger? Has he even seen her natural hair, or her in anything close to this state of ease?

It says a lot that in order to stop Jake from being a viable option for her future, the writers wiped the closest that Olivia has come to finally settling on either of them from the narrative, basically assassinated his character and their partnership, and literally made him inaccessible to her by imprisoning only him out of everyone involved.

Yeah, all that they were and could have been haunts me.