helvonasche - Tumblr blog

[helvonasche]

book update 03.03.24

I'm not done.

Barely started the writing actually.

Been doing research so that my story has more meat and weight to it instead of just making shit up like I did for fics.

And for anyone reading this that also wants to switch to "real writing" or just try writing a book.. setbacks happen. Life happens. And life is fucking me raw, no lube, as per usual.

Not giving up, but. I'm not okay and can't write how I used to right now, and that's okay.

Venting/Explanation/Secrets below the cut.

tl;dr? Still writing, just stressed.

And posting about the stress because I don't think I've ever tried to be perfect, but I really wanna grind this into the dirt. I'm human and horribly flawed and traumatized, just like everyone else, but I'm having fun and that's what's important. enjoy the.. show? ew. why am I like this.

You know the list of most stressful things? The shit that derails life and mental wellbeing? Here's a brief overview of the common shit:

Divorce/Separation/Relationships in general

Moving

New job/Job Loss

Illness/Hospitalization

Death

Pregnancy

Selling/Buying a House

While I prefer to not disclose any of my personal shit online because there are cunts in my real life that creep on here to see what I'm really doing. I've gone no/little contact with many people, and some of them know about my blog or other stuff online..

If you stalk someone who has chosen that not having you in their life hurts less than having you in their life.. get fucking help and leave them alone.

Anyway... I've experienced all of the things from the list above throughout my life, like a lot of us have. The older you get, the more shit happens. All but one of these I've dealt with in the last year. It's why I've been... changing and trying to work on myself so that I don't turn into a fucking psychopath or permanently disabled by my mental illness.

In therapy and all that, but after so much bullshit and pure stupidity that I have spent the majority of my life surrounded by has me questioning a lot of what I do and why I do it.

Spoiler: I don't have answers.

Moving on from the dramatic stuff.. to explain why no book and what I have been doing.

I put a lot of effort into my fics, but never maximum effort. It's fanfic, no one needs it to be perfectly written smut.

I'm balls deep in research for books (it's still very much plural). Annotating, notes, documentaries, articles, too much internet "research" and so many books, all of which is about evil, gnarly shit.

I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I'm having a blast and filling my head with esoteric nonsense. This is the closest I have ever been to feeling like Myself™ and I'm not mad or upset that I haven't been able to just "nut out a book".

I'm not going to apologize for not having a completed manuscript and a cute post about alpha reading. My end goal has not changed, but the plans on how to get there are changing and will continue to change as long as life keeps up it's current level of fuckery.

That's it. I mean, in a few months my life is going to be very different (iykyk), but for now.. I'm quite literally just trying to survive and I know I'm not the only one.

<3 hel.

[helvonasche]

Okay! Hi, I came to my old asf tumblr (I swear I’m not 17 anymore 💀) to tell you that I’m so excited for you. It was forever ago but I commented under Hanna on ur AO3 (first time was under two princes i think. I think you have a real talent 4 writing character driven narratives. Reading ur stuff always feels like breathing in cold, fresh air. obvi i’m gonna miss your writing. but i hope u’re able to get somewhere fulfilling w/ ur original works. ty for all that you shared, n i’m here 2 support

Full disclosure: This made my day.

Thank you for being so kind and strange in the best way. (I'm ignoring the blasphemy about character-driven narrative because I can't process it right now. it's too nice.)

<3 hel.

[helvonasche]

book update 02.04.24

well.

I start hard writing today. Nervous as hell, but I usually am when I start writing-writing.

Still not at a point where I have a cute one-sentence summary, but I do have some songs for anyone who is curious, so here are the songs in a very particular order. <3

Abbey by Mitski

The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

Unknown/Nth by Hozier <3

Piggy by NIN

Dirty Pretty by In This Moment

I probably won't have another update until the end of the month, but that one is going to be big... so a vague warning.. I write fast. The lovely creatures who help me edit also work fast. And before I start the super fun hunting for a literary agent bit, I want more than just a handful of opinions.

I currently have a few people who are interested in Alpha reading, but I would like more. So if you like reading, aren't that busy for the next 3ish months, and want to make a new friend.. lemme know? (not going to hold you to it, just want to see if there's interest)

For anyone I've already talked to about this, y'all are a the top of the list and I love you for your enthusiasm and kind words. It's nice to know I haven't been writing into a void this whole time. And thanks for fueling my delusions, I'm gonna go set them on fire now for your amusement (hopefully).

<3 hel.

[helvonasche]

book update 01.28.24

i have a 3-book series plotted.

still working on characters, but they are basically done

very exciting update. considering I had nothing a few days ago, I'm quite pleased with myself. the best part: I really like it.

for context, since I can't actually describe anything, the main female protagonist is similar (not the same) as I wrote in these fics:

Sex In The Woods - Bucky x Reader

Vibrator - Bucky x Reader

plus I'm very proud of these and love the FMC.

back to it. <3 hel.

[helvonasche]

Yo. Pookie. Message me. Please and thank you. 🖤

[helvonasche]

Thank you. And damn.

I'll be messaging you as well. Made my day. 🖤🖤

i quit?

Now that I've got your attention: I'm quitting fanfic, not writing.

Not deleting my blog or AO3, either, and I'll still be here.

Most of my stories will be staying right where they currently are. I've deleted any posts that are too personal, and this includes a couple fics. If you notice something is missing or a link has broken, please let me know so I can fix it. I still have copies of everything.

If I find out my work is being reposted, copied, printed out, or sold on fucking Etsy, I will delete everything.

So don't be a cuck and ruin this for everyone else. I want to leave this up because I've had my heart broken by writers deleting everything, but I also understand that impulse.

If not writing fics then what? Books.

The reason I started writing fics in the first place was to practice writing and hopefully get better. But at some point I do have to walk away. I'm still gonna be on Tumblr though. And if you wanna ask about book stuff.. do it?

Emotions and reasons below the cut, but that's it. I'm done posting fics, but still vaguely here.

Ugh. Feelings. Fine.

Basically, I've spent most of a year trying to finish the fics I had left and I can't do it. I've sat at the computer for hours, made and remade plans, tried everything I could find for writer's block, drove my friends fucking nuts, had panic attacks... fuck, dude, I've talked to a fucking therapist about it.. and I barely finished Of The Abyss.

I also just had a fucking shitty year. It nearly killed me, not being melodramatic or using hyperbole. I thought I'd lost everything on three separate occasions in only 8 months. It's changed my perspective on a lot of things, but mostly on how I spend my time.

As terrifying as it is to walk away from the vague comfort that is posting fics on Tumblr, the reason I write has also changed.

But the reason I struggled with quitting fics and have tried to keep posting is because I love this stupid place. Don't get me wrong, the bots and staff suck and some people too, but there's so much good here and I will miss that more than.. fuck. There really aren't words for this. Um.. I'm devastated and crying while writing this? It fucking sucks.

I've made friends here. Real ones. Not going to tag, but you know who you are. You have my address. You know my real name. You've probably spoken on the phone to me. And a very very few have met me. Even the people I don't talk to for any number of reasons (mostly because I can be a shitty friend), you're all wonderful and gave me hope that life isn't as awful as it seemed.

You saved me.

Thank you for giving a creep a chance.

And before anyone can ask or point out that I've been struggling with writing... I have been writing. Just not fanfic.

There's more I want to say, but I'm calling it. Going to stop crying and eat something, then write a book.

<3 hel.

[helvonasche]

Of course I'm sad to see you leave fanfic, but I am so incredibly happy that you're doing what feels right to you. Will you give us little updates on how writing your book is going for you every now and again? Thank you for all the love you've poured into this blog, and I hope to read your book one day!

-Pookie

Oh, Pookie... <3. Anything for you.

Short answer: Yes, updates on books was the plan.

Long answer... um... I don't know what kind of updates, because if I post any content it would sorta ruin that whole getting published thing. I might need help with making silly decisions, so I could do polls, and Alpha readers are very much a thing. But for now here is the only update I have:

I just started a new project.

That's it. I have a vague idea and only one character with a name. I don't even have a title. But I have the weekend off, no kids, and nothing else to do but write and I'm pumped.

Unless someone REALLY hates hearing about book stuff.. I'll post an update Sunday. See what I can do with 60 hours. But if anyone does get pissy.. block party. <3

[helvonasche]

i quit?

Update: Privated all my fics, deleted everything from AO3. If you want a copy of anything, let me know, but I'm gonna be real picky about who I give copies of anything to.

Now that I've got your attention: I'm quitting fanfic, not writing.

Not deleting my blog or AO3, either, and I'll still be here.

Most of my stories will be staying right where they currently are. I've deleted any posts that are too personal, and this includes a couple fics. If you notice something is missing or a link has broken, please let me know so I can fix it. I still have copies of everything.

So don't be a cuck and ruin this for everyone else. I want to leave this up because I've had my heart broken by writers deleting everything, but I also understand that impulse.

If not writing fics then what? Books.

The reason I started writing fics in the first place was to practice writing and hopefully get better. But at some point I do have to walk away. I'm still gonna be on Tumblr though. And if you wanna ask about book stuff.. do it?

Emotions and reasons below the cut, but that's it. I'm done posting fics, but still vaguely here.

Ugh. Feelings. Fine.

Basically, I've spent most of a year trying to finish the fics I had left and I can't do it. I've sat at the computer for hours, made and remade plans, tried everything I could find for writer's block, drove my friends fucking nuts, had panic attacks... fuck, dude, I've talked to a fucking therapist about it.. and I barely finished Of The Abyss.

I also just had a fucking shitty year. It nearly killed me, not being melodramatic or using hyperbole. I thought I'd lost everything on three separate occasions in only 8 months. It's changed my perspective on a lot of things, but mostly on how I spend my time.

As terrifying as it is to walk away from the vague comfort that is posting fics on Tumblr, the reason I write has also changed.

But the reason I struggled with quitting fics and have tried to keep posting is because I love this stupid place. Don't get me wrong, the bots and staff suck and some people too, but there's so much good here and I will miss that more than.. fuck. There really aren't words for this. Um.. I'm devastated and crying while writing this? It fucking sucks.

I've made friends here. Real ones. Not going to tag, but you know who you are. You have my address. You know my real name. You've probably spoken on the phone to me. And a very very few have met me. Even the people I don't talk to for any number of reasons (mostly because I can be a shitty friend), you're all wonderful and gave me hope that life isn't as awful as it seemed.

You saved me.

Thank you for giving a creep a chance.

And before anyone can ask or point out that I've been struggling with writing... I have been writing. Just not fanfic.

There's more I want to say, but I'm calling it. Going to stop crying and eat something, then write a book.

<3 hel.