humanbeanthoughts

[humanbeanthoughts]

[humanbeanthoughts]

ppl who ‘want horror movies to stop being made because all the good ones have already been made’ are fucking fools and I’ll kick their asses

[humanbeanthoughts]

been feeling kinda shitty lately

might be mid-semester blues

not sure

i just don’t wanna talk to anyone ever really

i feel fine i think something just feels wrong

like... i���m dissatisfied

or something

I keep thinking about myself but every time i think about myself I’m disgusted

not that that’s new. 

but i mean...

i dont know what i’m doing and i dont know what i want out of anything and i just like... idk...

sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with my brain. 

why am I so self destructive?

I am fully aware that there’s tons of things that life has to offer...

but... what if... I don’t want any of it?

I understand the scope of everything that’s available to me... The opportunities I have... the things I can do, the things I can enjoy...

But.. in the end... I don’t know if i... really care

i dont want any of it

i dont know if life is for everyone

i dont know if i want to be alive

not even because i’m sad. not because i’m hurt. i don’t think im depressed.

i just.... dont want... any of this

there’s no appeal. in anything.

“xia that sounds like depression” shut the fuck up

“it’s a legitimate red flag. loss of interest in things” shut your hell mouth????

idk man

im just very dissatisfied with the person i am

i rarely even think of myself as a person

i dont do anything

might as well be dead already you know?

whatever

i dont know

maybe i just need to go the fuck outside or something

i’ll do that tomorrow

idk

either way.. im tired of this

of everything

it’s all so plain

at least i have earl...

[humanbeanthoughts]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

[humanbeanthoughts]

Sometimes I’m just sitting and then it suddenly hits me how fucking sad I am

[humanbeanthoughts]

Summer mood is impulsive online shopping at 2am on your phone in bed in the dark

[humanbeanthoughts]

hey y'all

[humanbeanthoughts]

i am sleepy as fuck but i wanna write an essay on the line distinguishing between bad mental health and mental health disorders. I wanna fight but im ti r ed and i work brunch. goodnight world i will fight you all tomorrow

[humanbeanthoughts]

sometimes i just

feel so much subtle sadness slowly washing over me, coming in really non-agressive but stubborn and persistent waves. It almost feels like being quicksand, where the more I try to fight it and distract myself from it, the quicker I feel consumed by it. 

I don’t really know what to do in these situations. I can just lay here and wallow in my melancholic mood, or I can try to do something I don’t really feel I have the energy for doing in an attempt to distract myself.

it’s a lose-lose situation either way. I guess I can just wait for it to pass. But everything’s been bad lately. And I can’t really figure out why. Maybe it’s just one of those cycles of lows. I’ve just gotta wait it out.

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately, I think. None of them really positive. I think I just feel a distant sadness in every direction I look. Whether i look to the future, or whether I look to the past, or think of the present, I think I just feel sadness. Like I kind of don’t want to be here. I think i’d rather just be sleeping. For a really long time. I’m not getting anywhere. And I don’t feel like making an effort to get myself anywhere else. And nothing sounds desirable enough for me to try to feel motivated about anything, anyway. I don’t really care much for a future anymore. I’m not sure if I ever really did. I’m probably okay with being swept along in the current that is existence. All the way until I die. It feels vaguely wasteful, but I don’t feel enough meaning in anything to care too much. 

I don’t have anything to be sad about. So I don’t know why I feel this way. I have better things to do, better things to think about. But sometimes I can’t help but just wallow. I’m doing fine, I’m doing okay, but then why do I feel this way? It just makes me feel like I need to get over myself. 

I guess if I really thought about it, I could be sad about a multitude of things that I’m trying to pretend aren’t really affecting me.

One is that I very well could be lonely. But I really hate the idea of that. I’ve been somewhat self sufficient and emotionally independent for a long time. I’ve always been okay with being by myself, and I like to think I’m very good at it. But apparently I can’t escape the human folly of aching for company. But why is the company I have not good enough for me? I have some friends, I go out and do the occasional things with them, but is that not enough? What is it that I really want? I can’t really tell. Maybe I’m too prideful to admit I’m lonely. But i’m still not sure that loneliness is even a contribution to my cyclical sadness.

I’m also kind of peeved that I’ve caught feelings for someone who doesn’t pay me as much attention as I crave. That’s completely my own fault. I try to mediate these feelings and control them but apparently feelings aren’t something you can so easily talk yourself out of. The whole situation is probably making me a mix of sad and just annoyed. Everything about it makes me feel out of character, so it’s extra bothersome. Feelings in general are just bothersome. They’re helpful in some situations, but when they’re erratic, they’re just a hindrance. Dumb.

And maybe the whole Ian talking to a girl who’s really similar to me is also really bumming me out more than i realize. I can’t really tell. As always, when can I ever tell the source of my feelings haha. Feelings are so vague in general, so non-concrete, they’re just hard to grasp and understand. Maybe some people could argue the opposite. But for now I stand by my perspective. 

There’s also a new hostess, and my insecurity and inferiority complex is already rearing it’s head in my life yet again. It’s hard for me to feel good enough, likeable enough, or anything, so instead I’ll just ignore it and not think about it. Being sad about it won’t change anything anyway. I’ll just accept it instead, and cry internally when the urge is there. 

im sad...

lol Teddy caught me the other day talking to myself, talking out loud about my acceptance of being “sad”. It’s hilarious but also wtf. that’s not funny at all. i’m fucking depressed lol

anyway

yeah

it’s 3:30am

gonna take 903423 melatonin pills an d hope im not sad anymore b y e

[humanbeanthoughts]

[humanbeanthoughts]

Tfw when u cant tell if lazy or depressed

[humanbeanthoughts]

i’ve been having some problems lately

they’re not really problems, just things that i think about, which i don’t do often

but I keep thinking about the position I’m in, where I’m at in life in regards to how i am as a person, and how I am in general, and i keep wondering how i am the way i am and why i am the way i am

For one, I think I have a very bad grasp on emotions

I can’t distinguish many emotions other than the negative to the positive

all the subcategories are kind of difficult to perceive. I can identify happiness, anger, or sadness, or worry, but that’s about the gist of it I feel like. I feel like my emotional scope is very short, and not very explored. That’s probably my own fault, though, because of the whole “i hate spending time on introspection” thing. But for the most part anyway, for the majority of the time, you could just say I feel nothing. Sure, I can feel that glimpse temporary satisfaction, or temporary sadness, but the emotions feel shallow. If you’d ask me to describe my state of feeling on a scale from normal to depression, I wouldn’t say either. I’ve just felt neutral for a really long time now. And where on the scale of normal to depression does neutral even fall? Is it in the middle? Is it even on the scale at all? Maybe the scale I’m using is a bad one, I guess. I think emotions are really complex, but they seem all too simple on the surface. Where are the lines drawn from a feeling being this one particular emotion, or another? Where is the boundary of sadness where transcending it becomes depression? Measuring emotion is something I’ve always been really bad at, because I could never really gauge what was too much in regards to negative emotions. What’s too much anxiety? What’s too much stress? What’s supposed to be “too much” to handle like a regular person? I feel like things have always been piled onto me one after another and even though it could get to be really hard, I never understood exactly how much I was dealing with. And I still don’t. I’ll watch people around me have ‘break downs’ from anxiety, depression, things like that, and I always think how bad it must be to suffer from panic attacks and regular anxiety. But then I wonder if I’ve ever felt that way, too, and just never known it, because of how consistently and habitually I trivialize my own feelings. I cry about things, and that’s about it. That’s all I’ve ever really done in the face of something supremely stressful or saddening. But I’ll watch people be so adversely affected by things like stress, that they’ll throw up, they’ll break down, they’ll stop functioning life-wise and become inactive. And as shitty as it may make me seem, I always think to myself, would that ever happen to me? Where is my breaking point? When am I going to break down, be bedridden for months, and stagnant? For some reason, I feel like it should have already happened. But instead, I’ve gone and become an empty shell of a person with barely any sense of self. I feel like I’m on autopilot most of the time, and I’ve said many times that I don’t really feel like a person, and I don’t feel like I’m living. I just feel swept up by the current and flow of time and passing days and I’m riding along just because it’d take effort to fight against the current and make my own path. I understand that depression is different for everyone, so maybe technically the state I’m in now could still be considered depression, but I’m always so reluctant to call it that. Because I feel fine. It’s not that I feel like shit every day, it’s that I feel nothing every day. And it’s not unpleasant. It just is. And I’m not laying here thinking about killing myself every day. I don’t really ever think about that. But depression is always depicted in such a standard textbook way that I feel like I never was able to feel like my feelings were valid or legitimate. So instead I was left to always question, and feel guilty for feeling the way I felt. So I wonder, am I just really weirdly mentally resilient to the point I can take a lot more emotional damage than the regular human being and still function externally? Or has depression just hardened me and made it so that I’d just be numb towards most things in life, drained of goals, dreams, aspirations, motivation, energy, happiness, productivity? But then again I guess there’s nothing saying it can’t be both. I honestly thought I was out of my walking depression phase, but I guess there’s the possibility it never ended. Just changed. But then there’s the possibility it’s just that I’ve changed. That depression has impacted me so much that I’m now devoid of feelings, full of apathy, and left to rot in the void that has become my life, and wither away without any sort of resistance put up from myself, and be totally fine with it. And now this is who I’ve become. It’s all kind of scary sounding, if you put it that way. But do I really care enough to do something about it? Absolutely not lol. Barely anything has meaning to me anyway, so putting effort towards changing something you don’t really care about in the first place sounds kind of undesirable. Shitty mindset, I know, but I don’t really care. 

anyway, this has just been on my mind lately. dont know why im so shitty and distinguishing my own emotions but i am. whatever i guess. you’d think after 20 years of feeling things called “emotion” you’d be pretty much an expert at identifying your own feelings and be super in touch with your sense of being and personal self but i guess thats not how it works lololol bye

[humanbeanthoughts]

u kno Its kinda disappointing to think about not having the love and affection of the one you care for or how youre so deeply devoted to a single person because youre that reliant on deep emotional connection to ever feel secure in any relationship thus making the feelings u harbor towards those specific people that much more interense and then knowing your affection isnt going to be returned in the way u want it to And youll never end up being with that person ever Despite how fucked you are because of the depth of feelings that have accumulated So youre just gonna have to fuckin suffer And keep quiet about it Lol Yeah Good stuff

[humanbeanthoughts]

hellur blog

today was not that great a day

i went to class and found out t was cancelled so i sat on my laptop for 2.5 hours doing hw and talking to ian and other stuff

then i went to my other class and then went t sweet hut and saw marcello and then we went t jia and both saw jiabao 

then i went home and played zero time dilemma

and then i went and got food with roommates and came home and played more zero time dilemma

and honestly, it was such a long day. and i did so many things. i probably fit more into today than i’ve ever fit into a day in a long time.

yet i realized on the car ride to getting food with roommates that.. like... the day was incredibly unfulfilling

my friendships are so few and shallow and i’m so distant from everyone

im closest to my roommates but even with them recently i’m just pissed off everytime im home so i isolate myself from them

Ian said something to me that struck me kind of hard the other day and it’s been on my mind a lot

He shed light on my emotionally masochistic behavior and pointed out that I was basically an emotional abuser to myself. I actually really did not enjoy being compared to abusive people at all and it was personally upsetting. Because after all I’d never intentionally hurt or abuse anyone at all unless it was myself. But it was all true... No one makes myself feel more like garbage than myself, and no one wants to hurt me more than myself. I make it a point to indulge my low self esteem so I can feel validation of my position and place of just being trash. Do I do it so that no one else can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself? Do I do it so it seem that I have at least the slightest bit of control over my pain? Sort of like self regulating how much I hurt?

I explained to him that I think I crave feeling hurt by myself because I want to feel terrible since that’s  in my head what I think I deserve. And I feel no guilt in treating myself this way because I feel a disconnect between my identity as a real human person. I oftentimes don’t feel real, and it’s weird to think of myself as a human being sometimes when I barely even feel like a person most of the time. So in a way it feels right/okay/acceptable to self inflict pain. (Which are some serious warning signs of any real abuse case right there) And it probably isn’t incredibly different from physical self harm. It’s just that I do it emotionally instead of other ways like cutting, or starving, and I do it for emotional release. Release from tension. for an outlet of things I’ve internalized. It’s literally just how I’ve come to cope with everything. 

And I guess I recognize it’s not healthy. It doesn’t solve any problems, and instead it perpetuates my problem of extremely low self esteem. It’s an extremely harmful way of coping, to the point that, it’s probably worse to continue this coping method than to try to change. It’s probably even so damaging that it’s a reach to even call it coping, because coping is supposed to help you deal with a problem, but my ‘coping’ just indulges the problem itself. So coping feels like a very wrong word to use but for the moment I can’t think of what other word I should use. It seems more like an addiction I feed into more than anything.

But you know what else, he just got me thinking about a lot of other things. It’s not secret that I’m not really content with my life. I’ve spent probably a year wondering if I’ve ever recovered from my depression. I think it’s not nearly as bad as before, so of course, me being me, I’m extremely tempted to say that I’m alright. That it’s not really affecting me in this moment of my life so I’m probably not depressed anymore. But the thing is I think I have at least the smallest notion where something is telling me that no, not everything is okay. I’m not fine. I’m just fairly stable at the moment. Like how depression comes and goes in waves of levels ranging from Really, Terribly Awful to Not Good And Not Okay At All But Hanging On There. I’m clinging onto my depression and my depression is clinging onto me and its after-effects are still very much in play in my life. It feels very much like a negative symbiotic relationship, where we each thrive off of each other. Sometimes I feel like the situation is that I’m still very much depressed, it’s just that I’m not in the worst period of it for now. Other parts of me wants me to stop being so fast in claiming depression as the source of my problems and emotions because it’s just me trying to find a scapegoat for all my faults. And the two thoughts are always in conflict with each other, so I never reach a conclusion, and I’m not one for self diagnosing, so even if I were still very much depressed, it’d probably take a lot from me to try to comprehend and accept it. 

See, the thing is, if I just accepted I were still depressed, it’d probably explain a lot. Of course I don’t feel as badly depressed as I did before. But at the same time, I’m still never great. I still complain of being empty, I still complain about a lot of things. I still feel an underlying grimness that taints everything. And I feel extremely changed. Emotion wise. Everything used to be bleak, frustrating, grey, and numb. Now it’s like everything has regained some color but now, it’s just unappealing. Like maybe the colors are out of whack, and they’re not pretty so they’re not interesting or likable so I pay them no attention. Also, back when I was really depressed, I was rife with an abundance of repressed emotions and internalized sadness. But now I find it extremely hard to control my emotions, and I feel everything erratically. The transition from one extreme to the other is a little jarring so I don’t really know how to feel or handle it. 

Honestly there’s so many times that this state of being, suspension in a sort existence that is neither appealing nor particularly unappealing, just feels permanent and inescapable. I shrug my shoulders at the idea of change and at the idea of attaining anything better than where I’m at. Simply because I’m unmotivated. I have enough energy to go through the motions of what I’m supposed to be doing. But nothing more, nothing extra. 

Another way to put everything is that it feels like I’ve finally climbed out of a small hole that was depression, only to hoist myself out and realize I’m still surrounded in a slightly bigger medium sized hole, and I actually still have a lot more climbing to do. I feel free-er than I did before, but I’m still constrained and trapped by the intimidating walls surrounding me. Maybe I’ve gone from severe depression to milder depression. Like, depression in the background. Sort of as if depression were once the forefront of my life and now it is the... middle ground? It doesn’t feel appropriate to say background. I feel like it’s between middle and back. 

Also, I’ve been wondering where my tendency for self abuse stems from. Is it just the depression? Is it low-self esteem since childhood? Is it both? I kind of want to understand where these behaviors came from. While I see change in the near future as too ambitious and something I’m not really prepared for in the moment, I do want to know why I am how I am, I think. So I think the goal for the moment would just be understanding. But I don’t really enjoy psychoanalysis and I avoid it for the most part. 

I understand why I avoid it. But looking back on everything I’ve said, I’ve realized I think I’ve been able to come to terms with how I feel about the conflict of thoughts in my being arguably depressed/not depressed. For such a long time I’ve occasionally burdened myself with thoughts of “Am I Depressed? Or Am I Just a Terrible Person That Likes to Blame My Unproductivity On The Basis Of My Falsely Self Diagnosed Depression?”

 And I realize now that with the help of the thorough and sheer amount of self questioning and debating I’ve put myself through during the past whatever amount of time that the answer I conclude is just ... yes... I’m depressed... It’s just that I like to make myself suffer a lot before I think I can be somewhat sure in claiming depression. 

And that concludes my ramblings.

[humanbeanthoughts]

new year same depression ha ha ha ha haa@!! A a

[humanbeanthoughts]

[humanbeanthoughts]

LOVIN my non existent self esteem which fosters self doubt about the amount of how much people actually like and care 4 me ! !!!!!!!! ! !

y am i like this! ! Ha !!!!

why do i put so much in to only get so little out ! ! !

why do i have to suffer and care more for someone who expresses so little that its hard to feel any sort of reciprocation of emotion from this person! !

I’m probably just seen as a child in his eyes and it really blows.

I don’t want to be a child.

I want to be seen as stimulating, interesting, and engaging to this person. I want to be of depth in personality and in thought. I don’t want to be looked down on as someone who needs to learn a lot because I’m young. I want to be looked at as someone who’s learned a good bit, is still learning, but is still mature and not a plain person.

Feck Im sad Whatever chuck it in the fuck it bucket :/ /: its okay..

its always okay… Even if it hurts… its always okay..