hyperionrecruit-blog

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Trapped.

Trapped in my own cage.

Forever spiraling downward.

A circle of twisted logic.

Distorted by my own hand.

A bump, a hiccup,

Viewed as a catastrophe.

Rational vs. Irrational.

Clearly a one-sided fight.

With no winners.

Only losers.

Broken, crippled and left for dead.

Being eaten from the inside,

Eroded by its own devices,

And helplessly witnessing its own demise.

Watching with somber disappointment,

Holding the solution to every problem,

Every tool to fix every broken connection,

Lacking only the strength to repair.

Irony.

Strength to hold on.

Strength to survive.

No strength to move forward.

Nothing left to motivate the repair.

One step forward,

Into a wall constantly pushing back.

A reminder of Atlas,

A never ending struggle.

Eternally carrying a weight that can never be relieved.

Unable to move forward.

Unable to retreat.

Trapped.

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Decision.

As Pink Floyd would put it,

“Tear down the wall!”

Why tear it down?

Why not tear it down?

Seclusion only breeds loneliness.

Secrets, thoughts, feelings,

Hidden.

From everyone that cares,

From everyone that matters.

Why not tear it down?

Expose the truth,

No more secrets,

No more deflections,

Just the truth.

The horrifying truth.

That I’m not okay.

That I haven’t been okay.

That I’m struggling,

Treading water,

Trying not to drown.

The irony,

Who will save you,

If nobody knows you’re drowning?

It’s a flare,

Siren,

S.O.S.

It’s a call for help,

An attempt to repair relationships.

Relationships thought to be lost.

Relationships strained by secrets.

Just because you’ve built a wall to hide everything inside,

Doesn’t mean they can’t see the wall.

How can anybody see the real you?

You’re just a wall.

Cold hard stone.

Impassable and unmovable.

Containment cannot defeat demons,

Only deter them.

They cannot disperse until released,

And they can’t be released without a struggle.

I’ll have help this time though.

A gladiator must fight alone until the colosseum is torn down,

Then his allies may assist.

His only hesitation, the passed burden,

An unwarranted  weight thrust upon his allies,

With hopes that they will assist.

1989, The Berlin Wall.

2018, My Wall.

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Fault

I have to tell myself it’s not my fault.

Was it poor planning?

Or was I an afterthought?

Maybe I wasn’t involved enough,

It must have been my fault.

I had plans all weekend,

But I should have cancelled,

Made time for you at the last minute.

It must have been my fault.

Clearly I don’t keep up with your lives,

That must be why I’m always being left out,

Forgotten.

I should really be more involved,

Keep up with their day-to-day,

I could have put in more effort,

It’s my own fault.

What a lovely pity party,

I the only guest,

To a party orchestrated by so many,

And still left the only attendee.

So just don’t show up.

It’s just that simple.

Don’t show up so they can blame you.

Because you’re the inconsiderate one.

You’re the one that doesn’t put family first.

Self-centered and selfish.

Too busy with your own life.

Too busy to make time for family.

Too busy to make time for the ones that really matter.

It’s your fault.

Should have left your calendar open.

Should have expected the bombardment of last minute plans.

It’s important,

Cancel all your other plans.

To not would be selfish.

Selfish and self-centered.

Obligated.

To care,

To attend,

To participate,

To give a fuck.

A history of drowning in toxicity,

Only to overcome it all.

Burnt bridges,

And cut ties.

To emerge triumphant.

Better,

Happier,

Healthier,

Only to be dragged back in.

Dragged down by the ones who care the most.

An obligation to the toxicity.

No longer drowning,

Just treading water,

Struggling to keep my head above the water,

Catching my breath,

Only to be dragged under once again.

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Stifled

Stifled

Neglected, rejected

slandered and forgotten.

Unappreciated for the work that I do,

Reprimanded for neglecting tasks that are not my responsibility.

Ignored and dehumanized,

Always willing to exceed expectations,

Only to be left bruised and beaten

-

It’s hard to know where to begin.

It's a constant,

Daily,

Never ending struggle

-

"We're going to hire someone full time to relieve some of your responsibilities"

*1 year later

"We're still looking"

*1 year later

"Here's this special project"

*1 year later

"We're still looking"

-Colleague mentions I'm underperforming in my duties.

"We have 3 interviews lined up this week"

I wonder what took so long.

-

“I'd like to discuss my responsibilities and compensation.”

"We'll talk about it in your review in 4 months"

*4 months later

Silence.

I haven't had a formal review in 3 years.

I’m sure we’ll talk about it soon.

-

I'd love to see them squirm if I left.

...

I'd just like to leave.

Pursue further education,

Actually reach my potential.

But i'm stifled.

Held back.

By my environment, by my health, by myself.

It feels impossible.

But it's not.

“Just do it.”

They keep saying it.

Just quit,

Go to school,

Find a new job,

You're young,

You can do whatever you want to,

You'll figure it out,

We'll figure it out.

Logical thinking is a curse.

Dreams, aspirations,

Stifled by logic.

Stifled by my environment.

Stifled by my health.

Stifling myself.

They all talk about support.

They all support me.

Whatever I want to do.

You're smart and capable.

You can do whatever you want.

Bullshit.

Who's going to pay for my prescriptions?

Seriously that’s the only hurdle.

At least that’s the only one I've set for myself.

I know I'm stifling myself.

I have to.

The moment I stop stifling myself is the moment I lose all my,

"Support"

I stifle myself so that things don't fall apart.

All the things I want to do but can't.

All the things I don't want to do but have to.

The latter is easily solved with discipline.

(Not to be confused with motivation)

The former is the issue.

Why have dreams if you don't have the time to pursue them.

Why aspire to anything you know is unachievable.

Maybe it's a self-esteem issue.

An issue of self worth.

Of course that’s part of it.

You spend the lowest point in your life with little to no support.

The one that should be supporting you is absent and neglectful.

Telling you that you're selfish when you're the only one trying to help.

He’s depressed too.

And now thats your burden as well.

He’s family.

You have to support him.

You don’t want to be selfish.

-

Neglected, rejected

Slandered and forgotten.

Ignored and Underappreciated.

Stifled.

-

Self worth.

Self esteem.

Self love.

Bullshit.

You can't live being beaten your entire life.

Yes, you may survive.

But how can you live after that.

How do you better yourself without being selfish.

How can you accept support when you've lived without it for so long.

You don't.

You accept what you have and make the best of it.

You don't aspire for anything, you don't try to better yourself.

It's a waste of time.

Logically speaking.

-

I can't even trust a loved one.

90% of the people I've ever cared about have either,

Abused, manipulated, neglected, mocked, belittled, shamed,

Or just generally disregarded my mental and physical health.

I'm depressed and anxious and have diabetes.

"You're just looking for attention!"

“You can eat whatever you want, just take more insulin.”

"Just don't be sad."

“You don’t need your needles, you’ll be fine”

"Everyone feels that way sometimes, you'll get over it."

When will I get over it?

We're approaching the 12 year mark.

How long does it take?

15 years?

20 years?

Maybe if I'm lucky I won't live that long.

-

The worst part is that I can recognize the signs.

Holding all my excitement for specific dates and events,

Just so I have a reason to carry on and be excited for something.

Something just far enough away that I have a reason to get up and make it through the day.

The day.

Always overshadowed by the event.

Insignificant.

Un-exciting.

Meticulous and monotonous.

A blur.

Barely even a memory.

Unfocused. chaotic.

But still un-exciting.

-

It hurts.

Me obviously.

Constant pain begins to numb.

It's the others that hurt.

Less so for the masses

Primarily directed at the one.

She does so much.

And she hurts

She hurts because of me.

Because I hurt her.

I want to make it right.

I want to fix it.

She doesn't deserve it

And I don't deserve her.

But I carry on.

For her.

Because of her.

Stifling myself.

Because of her.

Because this is me.

And she deserves better.

So I stifle it.

The thoughts.

Emotions.

Actions.

Opinions.

Because she deserves better.

They all deserve better.

Someone with aspirations

And dreams

Someone worth the support.

So again I stifle myself.

My real self.

To be that person.

I hide flaws, and cover it up.

A wolf in sheep's clothing.

Pretending to be strong.

Hiding weakness.

Pretending to carry on.

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Rate Your Pain.

[0] - I have no pain.

[2] - I have a low level of pain. I am aware of my pain only when I pay attention to it.

[4] - I am constantly aware of my pain but I can continue most activities.

[5] - I think about my pain most of the time. I cannot do some activities I need to do each day because of the pain.

[6] - I think about my pain all of the time. I give up many activities because of my pain.

[7] - I am in pain all the time. It keeps me from doing most activities.

[8] - My pain is so severe that it is hard to think of anything else. Talking and listening are difficult.

[9] - My pain is all that I can think about. I can barely talk or move because of the pain.

[10] - I am in bed and can’t move due to my pain. I need someone to take me to the emergency room to get help for my pain.

My alarm wakes me up

[4]

Getting ready for work

[4]

Driving to work

[4]

Bump in the road

[5]

Arrive at work

[4]

I stand up from my chair to get something

[5]

[4]

[2]

I forget about my headaches

[2]

I continue working

[6]

[5]

[4]

It happens in an instant

[4]

“It’s okay, you’re okay.”

[4]

Work’s over

I’m exhausted

Driving home

[4]

another bump

[5]

[4]

I’m annoyed

[4]

Finally home

[4]

Time to relax

[3]

Waiting for Amanda

[2]

Playing video games

[2]

Its 4:45, I have 15 minutes

Maybe.

It started at 5:00 yesterday

Maybe it wont happen until 6

Maybe it won’t happen at all

[5]

Stop I don’t want it

[5]

Amanda gets home

“How are you?”

[5]

“Okay for now”

[5]

“Any headaches?”

“No, not yet.”

[5]

Now we’re both just relaxing

[6]

No, stop.

[6]

Shut off the video game, I can’t concentrate.

[6]

Do I take a triptan?

It worked the first time.

[6]

It didn’t work the last two

[6]

It doesn’t seem like its letting up.

[6]

I’m taking it, this should be early enough that it will work

[6]

Just 15 minutes, that’s all it took the first time

[6]

I’m just gonna lay down and wait for it to pass

[5]

It seems to be easing up a bit

[5]

[7]

[5]

It’s doing something

[6]

Just 5 more minutes

[6]

It should have started working by now.

[7]

It’ll pass, the meds will kick in any second

[8]

I guess they’re not going to work

[8]

I might as well get comfortable.

[9]

“Do you want me to shut off the lights?”

[9]

“Yes, please, and can you get me the ice pack?”

[9]

[10]

[9]

Just relax, the meds will help, it will pass.

[8]

[9]

[8]

See, you’re fine, it’s gonna be fine.

[9]

It will pass

[9]

[10]

[9]

Just relax, get comfortable

[9]

Wait it out, it will pass

[9]

[8]

Amanda’s waking me up

[7]

I fell asleep on the ice pack again

[7]

I’m so tired

[7]

Its 7:30, Amanda wants to make dinner.

[7]

I’m not hungry

[7]

I should eat

[7]

Why hasn’t this passed yet?

[7]

Amanda’s waking me up again, she wants to make dinner

[6]

It’s 8:00

[6]

I sit up

[8]

[6]

It’ll be okay

[6]

It’ll be over soon

[5]

See you’re fine

[4]

Its over now

[4]

We make dinner, we eat dinner, we watch some TV

[4]

The pressure is still there, but the throbbing’s stopped

[4]

It shouldn’t get any worse tonight

[3]

It’s getting late, almost time for bed

[3]

I wonder how it will be tomorrow

[3]

I hope it’ll be better tomorrow

[3]

I can’t take much more of this

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

I’m not going to call it a career

Work seems like a good focal point to begin with

 I’ve been in this industry for about 6 years now.

With no prior training or knowledge, I managed to pick things up quickly and excel at what I do.

After the first two years there was a shift.

Our GM, LH, multiple PM’s and some shop employees left and started a new company.

I happened to be one of the lucky few asked to join them and was quick to jump on board.

The reasoning was simple, I would be free to progress higher in the company (compared to the unionized facility that prioritized seniority over skill level when the time for raises and promotions came along), I had a lot of confidence in my employers and their vision for a better company and I was excited to reap the benefits of our company’s success (in comparison to the subsidiary of a larger company that I was employed at that kept most of the profits for their senior officers).

It’s a win/win right?

Sort of.

I don’t regret my decision, the company has compensated me well enough and have given me tremendous opportunities to grow my skills and excel in numerous different fields.

So what’s the problem?

Well just about everything at this point.

Our company has expanded at such a fast rate that now all the “little” guys are just being neglected.

I’m now the sole employee for an entire department, managing all the work myself, quoting jobs, meeting deadlines and just generally picking up the slack when needed.

To add to that, I’m the only substitute for another 1-man department which means I’m covering two entire departments when the other guy is sick or takes vacations (which happens more often than it should)

Quite the work load right?

We’re not done.

During busier times when our production floor needs some extra help, one of their top production employees gets called away to join the fight.

Hey, that’s me!

We’re up to three areas of expertise, along with added responsibilities due to others failing to follow procedure and by “failing to follow procedure” I really mean nobody has ever followed the procedure, including everyone involved with production as well as management.

“But that just means it’s another part of your job right?”

That’s the sad truth that I’ve arrived at, which is still contradictory to the mountains of procedural requirements stated in everybody’s contract.

To sum things up, I do a tonne of shit around here.

So let’s go back to the beginning.

The first few months of my company’s existence my GM/Co-owner clearly stated we will be hiring someone to run X department full-time.

Until then you and employee T will be covering.

That seems fine, it’s a start up, I’m happy to learn some new things, let’s do it.

Fast forward a bit, our sole shipping/receiving employee is forced to resign due to health complications.

Again, until a replacement is found, you and employee T will be covering.

Sure, more responsibilities, more experience, sign me up.

Let’s go one step further.

It’s time to shut down this location, relocate the small work force to one of our other facilities and we’ll set you up to be running department X full-time so that you can become organized and have everything ready for the future hire to take over.

One more time, sounds like a challenge, even more responsibility, and maybe then they’ll actually hire someone to fill the position.

Also let’s add 30 minutes to your commute and neglect your employee evaluation for about 2 years

And that’s where we left things a year ago.

So let’s re-cap,

3 years and still no new hire to run department X full-time.

I eventually got my review, which was done very informally and came with a slight “cost of living” raise that wasn’t even half of my gas expense for my added commute.

My new LH is an incompetent hypocrite that refuses to retire.

90% of the people I work with are close-minded, stubborn, have no respect for each other and could care less that I’m forced to do extra work because they don’t feel like doing it.

And finally,

My job title still only says I’m a production employee. (Which consumes less than %5 of my time on average.)

 Basically I fucking hate it.

I’m bored, my work is tedious, it doesn’t challenge me, it’s not advancing my skills in anyway at this point and it leaves me stuck in my own head for 8 a day, 5 days a week.

That’s enough to drive somebody crazy.

“So why not just quit and find a new job?”

Good question

I’m not willing/can’t afford to take a pay cut,

It’s difficult to find work in a place that will be able to utilize my collective areas of expertise,

And honestly, this company has been very good to me,

Neglectful, but good.

Leaving this job suddenly would not only leave the production schedule in mild chaos but it would also add all of my responsibilities to employee T who is in an almost identical situation to me.

Whether or not I’m willing to do that to the company is irrelevant because I wouldn’t do it to him.

So what’s the solution?

I don’t have one.

I have a plan.

To talk to the owners of the company.

To express to them how stressful and abrasive my position is, with the hopes that something may actually get done or that I may just be compensated more appropriately and things will remain the same.

To be honest I’m most interested in the latter outcome.

I don’t mind responsibility or the extra work as long as I can enjoy every aspect of my life outside of work and currently the rate at which I am being compensated isn’t enough to allow me to pursue my personal goals.

That’s the plan.

Its implementation is still about a month or two away.

Some patience is required until then.

That’s not a problem though.

I’ll continue to bide my time until then and be ready for when the moment finally arrives.

[hyperionrecruit-blog]

Here and Now

I guess I don’t really know where to start.

Writing this, and any future posts, has been on my to-do list for far too long. I keep telling myself that it will help, I’ll feel a lot better, and it’ll just be good to get some of this crap on paper and off my mind.

But even as I’m sitting here writing this, ready to let everything flood out, I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.

It will be good to get it out, to write it down, and to relieve some of this anxiety and stress.

My only real obstacle is myself at this point.

There are so many unresolved issues, so many things that I tell myself I’ve moved past.

“Yes it was shitty, yes it caused significant emotional damage and yes I’m a better person now because of what I learnt from it.”

That’s what I tell myself every day.

Every time I think about any of the neglect or abuse I’ve sustained.

“It made you a better person.”

Maybe it did. Maybe it made me kinder, empathetic, accepting, patient, intuitive, etc.

I’m sure that’s all true.

The problem is, I don’t feel better.

I feel stable,

When I should feel content.

I have a stable place to live, a stable job, I can pay my bills, I have hobbies I love, and a loving girlfriend that means the world to me, but that’s not enough apparently.

Apparently somethings missing.

What more could you really want out of life?

To be rich, not have to work, and be able to spend all your free time on hobbies and travelling?

That’s just a pipe dream.

So what’s the problem then?

Why do I feel worthless?

Why do I feel like I always try to stay out of people’s way?

A constant struggle to avoid inconveniencing everybody around me.

It’s tiring.

And it’s reaching a point where I would rather just avoid everybody around me rather than interact with them and cause myself severe mental anguish just because I think I’m being a nuisance.

Once you pair that with my self-diagnosed “social anxiety” and my general awkwardness in social situations, why bother interacting with anybody?

Self-pity aside, I love my friends and family.

They truly do mean the world to me, and it kills me inside to not only watch myself pull farther and farther away from them, but also because I do nothing to correct my own behaviour.

For some reason I choose to distance myself, to hide away and lose myself in fictional words defined by pixels and cardboard.

 Now I’ve reached my turning point. The moment when I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself. When I start telling myself that I’m passed all those injustices. I’m a good person and I deserve to be happy. Right? So why not stop here? Why not leave the past in the past and move on with your life? Apparently I can’t. It’s been three years since I started telling myself that. That I can’t get stuck in the past. That I need to move forward. Always forward. That’s why I got that tattoo right?

 So this is me trying to move forward. Attempting to find an outlet that will let me resolve my issues on my own terms or at least find more understanding in why they’ve haunted me for so long.

Truthfully this is my last attempt.

Last attempt at trying to fix myself, at trying to pretend I’m happy and that everything is alright.

The last attempt at overcoming these thoughts, this brain, this trap.

The last attempt at trying not to inconvenience all those I love with these burdens.

My last attempt at victory over myself, on my own terms.

After that, it’s in someone else’s hands.

After that, it’s up to someone else to find the problems. To try and repair them.

After that, everyone will know.

I’ll become the inconvenience that I fear so much.

I’ll receive all the attention I try so hard to avoid.

After that, all my fears will become my reality.