i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Knowing it will but still being scared to actually take any steps because change is scary.

Replace “what if I regret this?” with “what if this sets me free?”

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

“I wish I could be a boy” You can

“I wish I could penetrate but I don’t have a penis” There’s a surgery for that

“I want to piss standing up” The surgery does that too, but also have you heard of an STP device? You should look into those

“I like the effects testosterone could give me but what if people think I’m ugly after I start” would you rather be happy and ugly or beautiful and miserable

“I want to cut my hair short and look more like a guy but everyone is begging me to not cut my hair” bestie, it’s your hair and they can go fuck themselves

“I wish I was born a boy” The best time to plant a tree was ten years ago, the second best time is today

“I wish I was a boy” I have great news for you

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Mulan, Frozen, and Lilo and Stitch but supposedly the transness and autism were both a surprise.

(And bonus whenever the Tarzan trailer came on I would take my shirt off and run around the house in my underwear and tell everyone I was Tarzan.)

Parents be like, I had no idea my kid was trans.

Bitch, his favorite disney movie was Mulan.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I haven’t gotten my hair cut in a while and I was supposed to go to a new barber today and I’ve been so excited and it got canceled and I feel dysphoric and anyways this captured my feelings so…

fundamentaly embarrassing to show reference pictures to the hairdresser. Like yeah. Hey. Here's a picture of a guy who looks cool. One day I would liketo look cool as well. Can you try to make me look cool. With these paltry ingredients Can you try your very best to alchemize a guy who looks cool right now. In 30 minutes, can you make me into a person. Hey, for twenty five dollars, can you fuck my shit up forever? Could you give me a haircut. Is that too much to ask. Could you cut my hairs

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I hate being in this weird in between place where I feel a lot more secure in my identity most days but still can’t comprehend telling people because that would make it real. Like I can imagine my future two years from now being on T and having top surgery but I can’t imagine getting there or work up the courage to take any concrete steps towards that.

And while it’s totally irrational I’m also scared that I’ll die in some freak accident before I can come out or live my life or be known as myself which is not a new fear for me but it’s nonetheless very unpleasant and stressful.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Me everyday reminding myself that cis people don’t think about/fantasize about top surgery twenty plus times a day

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I don’t know what’s going on this week but a little kid came up to me today and asked me if I was a girl and I am near crying from happiness for the second time in two days (even though I had to say I was because my mom was there and so were her parents.) I have been presenting masc for seven months and never had any experience that felt even slightly affirming in public only to have two in two days.

I know I don’t pass, at all, but it still helps to have any experience that feels like being gendered correctly (or even confusing people) because it feels so good and it helps put other things in perspective.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

OH MY GOD SOME GUY CALLED ME BRO TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m like 95% sure he didn’t actually think I was a guy but I don’t care it made me so happy. I actually can’t imagine that other people just feel like this every day.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I’m sorry what is the downside? I get to be taller and not have boobs???

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Felt like a good reminder to share.

“You cannot be the person they know and the great, glorious person you want to become. Not at the same time.”

— Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

hey man i stumbled across your blog and i read your pinned/some of your posts. i'm a 34 year old nonbinary trans man who came out 11 years ago. i just felt the urge to tell you that you're doing amazing. experimenting with gender, especially when you have put years of time and energy into repressing it, takes a lot of trial and error... and the errors (things that don't work for you genderwise) are just more data to work with. keep taking note of all the little things, no matter how small or brief, that make you feel like YOU. it seems (from at least a quick look at your blog) that you are learning to trust your own feelings and sense of self already, it makes me so happy to see young trans people like you doing this!!

also, i'm happy to talk stuff like this over if you ever need or want to, but i am also fully aware that some random 30something in your inbox might not be the person you want to talk to, haha.

take it easy ✌️ you got this (:

Thank you! You have no idea how much messages like this mean to me and it really helps me look back on where I was at even a few months ago. Especially with all the stress of being trans right now and also not being out or having a lot of LGBTQ+ community in my life having connections/encouragement from other trans people who have gone through this stuff helps me feel less alone.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Obsessed with this, now I just need an mlm unicorn 🏳️‍⚧️🥰

pride 2025

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I’m out to dinner and I swear I have never had this bad of gender envy in my life, our server looks like the exact embodiment of what I want want to look like 😭

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I spent half my life wondering why people cared so much what they looked like and writing in my journal that my body didn’t feel like it was mine, just something I was existing inside of only to now realize that was also dysphoria even if I wasn’t upset or having conscious thoughts about my body being wrong. There was nothing to feel wrong about because it just didn’t feel like a part of me to begin with.

And now that I’m aware of that disconnect and cutting my hair and binding and dressing masc it’s way more obvious to me because those gender affirming things make me feel connected to my body which in turn makes me feel much more connected to the dysphoria I have about it.

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

The human body's response to HRT is actually admirable in the sheer indifference. Just pure I Don't Give A Shit, I Just Fucking Work Here compliance to the new instructions. You can get testosterone injected straight into your body and it doesn't even question where that shit came from, coming back from a coffee break and just going

"Okay, everything seems to be in ord- oh fuck now what? Oh huh. Alright fine. New orders came in, cancel the menstrual cycle. Dig up the genetic balding patterns from somewhere, I don't fucking know they're buried somewhere in the dna. I'm greenlighting the growing-hair-on-your-toes thing. Yeah just cancel the ongoing maintenance processes, new orders came in so this is apparently what we're doing now."

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

I just surpassed $1,000 in my savings for top surgery and I could cry. I am literally so happy, it makes me feel like I’ll actually be able to save up for it even though this is a little less than a third of my goal. I don’t actually know how much I’ll need after insurance so I want as much as possible but 3.5k is my starting goal (my insurance is supposed to cover 70%)

It’s really important to me to be able to figure top surgery out before I move out because I know there’s no chance of me being able to save up enough once I’m at college and having to figure out how to pay for room and board and my dog etc. Also because I really want to be on HRT and have top surgery before then so I can start over in a new place as myself and have a fresh start.

Not to mention I currently have a very flexible job so I could easily take time off, with where I live I have the option of two major cities I could go to (one near my house and one where I could stay during recovery for free) and my mom would be able to help me during recovery which saves a lot of money on other expenses so I’m really trying to put away as much as possible.

Anyway I’m rambling but I’m really happy to have made a dent in it and I wanted to share with people who will understand how exciting it is!

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Thinking of trying to sell all my old Harry Potter stuff, including some cast autographs, to help raise money for top surgery which feels both very poetic and would be nice not to have to look at them anymore.

(Also if anyone has advice about selling stuff online I would appreciate it)