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iamalwaysaround · 5 years

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“The One: Panaginip o Pangarap o Kapalaran o Katotohanan?”

At a very young age, I already started to have an attraction towards my kababata. Even up to this day, siya ay isa pa rin siya sa mga ideal woman ko. Until now hindi pa rin niya alam na ako ay humahanga sa kanya. Well, siyempre, bata pa naman kami nun at nagkahiwalay na kami ng landas kasi we relocate and live together with our relatives. Our paths seldom crossed, even with the emergence of Social Media, I tried to look for her but was unable to do so due to the spelling of her name hahaha, because what I knew was not the correct spelling of her name hehe. Until, finally just last 2017 I was able to find her on Facebook, well, she was already in a relationship.

Well, it is not only her who became one of the ideal women who I came to know. Siyempre, while growing up, marami rin akong hinangaan pang ideal woman for me. One was during my Elementary days, I met this girl and nagustuhan ko talaga siya. It came to a point na ipinagdadasal ko pa ang feelings ko sa kanya and binalak kong manligaw. Well, siyempre hindi natuloy hahaha. Until, nagkaroon ako ng chance to tell her after several years but just for the sake of letting her know what I've felt before for her.

Next was, my High School classmate na hinangaan ko talaga. Same story goes, hindi ko nasabi sa kanya na I like her before. Kaya nung nagtratrabaho na rin ako nakapag-confess ng feelings ko yet marami na nangyari sa kanya and we cannot be together.

Same time in High School, I saw a girl from other campus, she captured my attention, I really liked here, she leaves nearby town and I even sketched her face. Though, I was not able to get to know her, even her name.

“Then again, same time in High School, there's a strange dream where nagparaya ang isang girl named 'Michelle' para sa kapatid niya kasi mahal din daw ako ng kapatid niya, she decided to end our relationship. She leaves me on my knees crying begging her not to give up on us, then we part ways both so lonely, devastated and crying. The feels stayed with me until I woke up, still sad. From that time on, anyone named 'Michelle' will always be special to me.”

Another was the same time in High School, this time kapit bahay naman namin, younger than me. Catholic School ako nun kaya mas napalapit ako sa Diyos and I came to know Him much better. So, nakarating sa akin na meron daw may crush sa akin. Truth is, hindi ko naman siya napapansin, mas napansin ko pa nga yung younger sister niya. But, during the course of that, I came to like her na din. Ginawa ko siyang inspirasyon pero iniwasan ko siya kasi nandun na ako sa priority na grumaduate muna at kung talagang kami, kami talaga no matter what. “I prayed for that as well, yet somehow once during my regular alone prayer time looking to the sky with the 'Orion Constellation' & 'Waxing Crescent Moon', it was somehow a realization/revelation telling me that we are not meant for each other.” Then, we part ways, nag-College ako sa Manila. I kept her as my inspiration, she even took the same course as mine. Yet, we're not able to communicate though there's social media, I wasn't able to find her haha, again, trouble with names that I know. Hanggang sa nabalitaan ko na lang later na may boyfriend na siya then she got married and have her own family.

Then, there's this woman I've met from College, she's an student assistant with her younger sister na kamukha niya. Though, several times our paths crossed, still, I wasn't able to know her even her name hanggang makatapos na ako ng College.

“Same time in College, I've been through crisis, I failed big time in one semester so, my graduation was moved one more semester. That's the time I prayed to God, much worried and I came to know Him, sometime in Holy Thursday during Holy Communion, I felt His Presence and somehow He speak to me telling me na 'huwag ka na mag-alala pa'. That's the time I graduated from College and at the same time employed with my first job. That experience with God means a lot, somehow I've felt that in everything that I do and want to do, I will always have Him with my side kaya kung nasaan man ako ngayon dahil yun sa 'free will' ko and somehow God's assurance na 'huwag na ako mag-alala pa'. So, I keep on taking risks and somehow depended on my faith with Him and my own 'free will'.”

Now, that I'm working, I've also met a lot of ideal women wherever I go. One was a colleague at work, she became my friend yet I wasn't able to tell her that I like her. I was able to let her know afterwards during one of our last conversation but just for the sake of letting her know kasi I know she's already in love with someone else.

Another was a young woman, same age with my sister and another young woman younger than my sister. I was attracted to them not only because they are beautiful and smart, they are young and free spirited women as well. Aside from the fact na matangkad sila haha, hindi kasi ako matangkad. Siyempre, never ko nasabi sa kanila na gusto ko sila.

Last one na nagustuhan ko was a colleague at work from other Department, maganda, matalino, bread winner. Nasabi ko sa kanya yung feelings ko for her after our last meeting pero hindi ko nasabi ng personal, sa message lang, parang na-seen zone lang ako noon or I was just completely ignored, I didn't hear from her again regarding my confession.

Baon pa rin ang 'free will' and somehow God's assurance na 'huwag na ako mag-alala pa', once more I take risks. Nag-resign ako from work then, nag-tourist having 3-months Visa, nag-apply ako abroad. Again, somehow I was in a crisis, matatapos na ang 3-months Visa ko wala pa rin akong work. Then, in my dreams, I was crying going to God, He held me in His arms, embracing me. Soon enough, I was hired. Pero hindi dun natapos ang crisis ko on working abroad. Kasi I wasn't able to have my sales quota. So, dahil hindi ako effective, I wanted to resign and not continue after six months. Dun ko rin nakilala ang isang ideal na babae, during our induction training, I've came to know her and talagang nagustuhan ko siya. Bago kami ma-deploy sa mga branches namin, I wanted to tell her na gusto siya. Pero that's the same time, she told me na may nanliligaw na sa kanya, first time din daw niya kasi maligawan ng ganun kaya ayun naging sila.

Now, the 6-month timeline approached, they accepted my resignation, and yet at the same time the same employer offered me a new post, so, I was able to complete my 2-year contract with them. During that time din, somehow a continuation of my strange dream back in High School about a woman named 'Michelle' visited me in my sleep to let me know that her real name was 'Michelle Santos'. So, I didn't waste a time looking for her in Social Media, of all the related searches I've made, one woman with the name 'Michelle Santos' replied to me, she happened to be in the same country I was in. I've told her about my strange dream but she told me that she's not 'The One' because she's already engaged with someone she loved. Siyempre naman, dapat na hindi ko na siya guluhin pa. So, I really wanted to at least be her friend on Facebook para mas makilala ko pa siya pero hindi pwede kasi marami na siya friends, I'm over the limit na haha. Anyway, nagkaroon naman ako ng chance para ma-add siya pero dahil na rin siguro sa kakulitan ko and I'm a complete stranger hindi niya accept friend request ko. So, para at least mapakita ko sa kanya how much she means to me, I always greet her on her birthday and on special occasions.

So, the 2-year contract expired, I chose not to renew aside from the fact na mababa ang salary, I didn't bother to look for some employers kasi sabi ko sa sarili ko, I have no reasons of staying pa kaya I traveled back here sa Pilipinas and spend time with my family especially at that time pregnant ang asawa ng bunso kong kapatid na lalaki. Unang pamangkin ko yun na boy kaya, I really enjoyed spending time with them. Sa ngayon nga, may bago na ako ulit na pamangkin, this time girl naman, mag-2 months pa lang siya today May 26, 2019.

Sa ngayon, wala akong work, actually pwedeng-pwede naman akong mag-apply pero I was not applying kasi one of my referral for work before, I experienced yung hassle sa transportation and yung time na nasasayang so I wasn't applying. Kung sakali mang mag-apply ako ng work, I prefer yung malapit na lang sa tinitirhan namin. Kaya, mas nami-miss ko tuloy mag-trabaho ulit abroad, kaya I started applying na rin pero hindi pa ganun ka-seryoso.

Anyway, I always stalk 'Michelle Santos' on Facebook, waiting for some news about her haha. And there's this recent interview with her, I've found out na Single pala siya. That's the time na I have a realization/revelation na magiging kami rin kung dumating yung time na pipiliin niya ako 'her own free will'. Kaya, I didn't waste the chance, kinulit ko siya ulit. Siyempre dahil dun sa realizations ko, I started to introduce to her my family. That time was January, marami sa mga kapatid ko even my Mom was born in January including me. Nakulitan siya sa akin and she blocked me. I was sad kasi hindi man lang umabot sa birthday ko yung pagpapakilala ko kanya. Kasi during my birthday, January 16th, yun ang isang pinaka-hinihintay ko, yung at least ma-greet niya man lang sana ako kahit one time lang. Alam mo kasi noon pa, somehow sa pangungulit ko sa kanya na i-accept friend request ko, nasabi ko na birthday ko ng araw na yun and that would make my day kong i-accept na niya sana friend request ko. But, siyempre, hindi nangyari yun. Alam mo bang ang pinakang-intention ko lang talaga naman sana is mabigyan niya sana ako ng chance, that we somehow try na kilalanin ang isa't isa. Malinis naman hangarin ko sa kanya, hindi ko naman gustong ipilit sarili ko sa kanya. Siyempre, kung ayaw niya sa akin, so be it. At least, we tried.

So, dahil, I was not been given a chance, somehow, inaccept ko na, na wala talaga akong pag-asa sa kanya. So, I've started to try some Dating sites, inisip ko na wala siguro talaga akong swerte sa mga Pinoy haha, try ko nga foreign dating sites, yet I was still drawn to kapwa Pilipino, so I've give up the idea and leave the dating site. Now, recently lang, nag-introduce si Facebook ng Dating option. So, I've give it a try as well, siyempre, there's so much options yet I was drawn to my ideal type of a woman. I've met some young, beautiful and successful women there. Also, I've met a young, beautiful and successful woman from an Instagram story post, so, I've tried to wave and say Hi through Messenger, to my surprise, she immediately replied and she accepted my friend request on Facebook.

“Yet, I've come to a realization that all of the ideal women I've met and come to know, they were all beautiful, kind, successful and God-fearing ones, I mean they are one of the best people I know. With that, I've come to realize to completely let go of the idea being with them in the near future. They don't deserve someone like me. I'm not letting myself so down but yet its a fact, I don't have anything to offer, like wealth, success or that something special in me whose some ideal women would want to choose from in their ideal guy. I mean, at my age, I still don't have a means to have my own family's basic needs met. I can only support myself, I'm so selfish enough not to think of the future before all this, that's why I'm still a mess, I have nothing.”

“So, I've decided to take the vocation of Single Blessedness. On the other hand, I really would love to have my own family soon. So, to the ideal woman who will still chose me despite of anything and everything. Right now, I don't have anything to offer you except for my whole self and our God that's with us. Even if I don't have enough means right now for our future together, rest assured that I will always do everything for us, we will be having the best life, we will be successful together and as a family. I will always be with your side, I'll support you in everything you do. I'll be the best husband for you and the best father for our kids. Alam mo ba, 'Michelle Santos', kung tayo ang magkakatuluyan in God's perfect timing, ang pangarap kong maging anak natin is kambal, siyempre yung babae't lalaki, I would name him 'Jaymerson' and for her 'Margot'. And kung hindi ikaw 'Michelle Santos' ang makakatuluyan ko in God's perfect timing, I would still love a twin boy and girl, I would still name him 'Jaymerson' and for her it will be 'Michelle'.”

So, as of now, my own 'free will' is to take the vocation of Single Blessedness. And if ang Kalooban Niyo po sa akin Panginoon is the Married Life. I entrust everything to You, I'm sure na kung ano po ang Kalooban Niyo po para sa amin, equipped with our own 'Free Will', mangyayari pong lahat yun in Your Perfect Time.

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