iambatmuppet

[iambatmuppet]

[iambatmuppet]

Jason is that one unemployed sibling who texts you weird shit at 3:27 pm on a Tuesday.

Like, Dick, sweating his ass off in his police uniform getting a text from Jason, which btw, extremely rare- and it's just a Twin tomato (two tomatoes grown as one ykwim) and captioned w "ur ass"

or Tim is in the middle of his board meeting and he gets an email from Red Hood and hes like stressing out chcking it only to find a pic of his apartment's kitchen's pantry asking "why dont you have salt?"

and then damian coming back from school to see his phone full of texts from Jason and it's all pics of ugly animals and every pic is captioned with "u" "u again" "wow u"

Bruce getting a morse code going "check phone" and it's a video of Jason flying away on an alien helicopter contraption with Roy yelling after him asking him to get down and jason saying he doesnt know how this shit works.

[iambatmuppet]

by @hannrum

[iambatmuppet]

They make me ill

[iambatmuppet]

tfw you have a reputation to maintain but a sparkly alien keeps trying to become friends with you 😔✨️

[iambatmuppet]

"The best way for the bat kids to hide their identity is to publicly be in a relationship with the self"

"no the best way is for them to publicly hate each other."

No. That's not enough. I need one of them to refuse to acknowledge the others identity. No matter what.

"Oh, Tim, what's your opinion on Dick and Nightwing recent lovers spat? Is it awkward for Bruce to have his son date his ex-step son? And what's your opinion on Red Robin, he seems about your age. Any plans, maybe involving your recent coming out of the closet?"

"Dick and Nightwing are dramatic, Bruce tries to ignore anything involving his ex, I think he might disapprove but he refuses to talk about it, because again, exes, and Red Robin is a terrible restaurant."

The interviewer rolled her eyes.

"I meant the vigilante, Tim."

"There isn't a vigilante named Red Robin."

"Gosh, Red, what's it like knowing the Wayne's? I mean, your brother is dating Dick, right? Or did they break up again? Either way, not important. Is there any way you could set me up with Tim? He's really cute-"

Red Robin stared at Superboy, and it was probably a trick of the light but Conner swore the skin showing under his mask was slightly redder than normal.

"Who the fuck is Tim?"

"Tim Drake-Wayne. Your brother in law's younger brother? Does that make him your brother in law too..."

"Kon, Dick's brother's name is Damian."

"No, the other one."

"Jason? The dead one? That's weird man, I'm not setting you up with a corpse."

[iambatmuppet]

He's so lame I hate this guy butthead or whatever his name is

[iambatmuppet]

the hardest part of the job is breaking the news that lactose intolerance is more permanent than death

[iambatmuppet]

when your crime lord son has glow in the dark eyes

[iambatmuppet]

do you think he’s capable of love even though he’s from new jersey

[iambatmuppet]

Thinking about that series on TikTok where canon batfamily characters meet their fanon counterparts and I think all canon characters would have a sort of disdain to borderline hate for their fanon versions EXCEPT BRUCE. Canon Bruce would be seething with jealousy

Canon Bruce: so you’re saying… most of them live with you. In Wayne manor. And it’s not burned down every week.

Fanon Bruce: yup! All of them except Jason, he and I don’t get along very well you see… he’s always angry with me so the weekly family dinners are always tense ://

Canon Bruce, through gritted teeth: you see him regularly? Must be nice.

Fanon Bruce: it is! The kids can get a bit rambunctious at times but thankfully their older brother Dick is always there being the good responsible mentally stable older brother he is so there’s not much damage except the broken vase or two

Canon Bruce, glaring daggers: is that so.

Fanon Bruce: there’s also Tim, he can’t get enough of his coffee, sometimes I have to replace it with decaf just to get him to sleep!

Canon Bruce, who has found Tim napping in places he didn’t think was humanely possible to sleep in: hnn

[iambatmuppet]

NOBODY FUCKING MOVE.

[iambatmuppet]

Thinking about the time the entire batfamily accidentally came across the same body

Just them sharing one brain cell <3

[iambatmuppet]

The average Tumblr user

[iambatmuppet]

I think my favorite version of Dead on Main is when Danny actually isn't hot. Not like, 'ugly, but literally just the most average looking Some Guy dude while Jason is a solid 11.

Nobody judges Jason exactly, but they are very 'why', especially when Danny just kinda, does his cryptid shit in the weirdest dorkiest way possible. He glitches out both himself and the cameras and his eyes glow with the fangies in front of people and then immediately trips. His extremely cringe one liners based off the opponent of the day (Danny and mr freeze are forcibly separated after they spent a six hour long pun-off). Danny will say the single most out of pocket most traumatic thing you've ever heard in your life that's somehow still really fucking funny and is he joking??? You never know. And he's not even hot or sexy in a dangerous vampire way he acts like bigfoot but he got caught on camera with his bare ass hanging out and a fish in his mouth.

Everyone is So Confused. Even the batfam and the Outlaws who know Jason is also kind of a huge dork himself are very 'that one? really?'. And every time Danny walks in to talk to Jason about killing the scary bug in his room or 'do you wanna go to bat/nasty burger and watch me eat my weight in fries' or 'hey how much blood is a human supposed to be able to consume before it gets weird?' with zero context and Jason always replies 'on god I need to fuck him'.

Very Jessica and Roger Rabbit or Mortisha and Gomez energy with them.

[iambatmuppet]

Danny doesn't just lose his parents. No, he loses his world.

The GIW tried to nuke the Infinite Realms, only to tear open a hole in reality so great that there was nothing Danny or the other ghosts could do to save it.

His world was devoured.

Everyone on it was turned into full ghosts if they weren't already halfas.

Said halfas can't stay on their now ghost-world; their human halves wouldn't survive it. They need to branch out to other worlds and fine a place to settle down.

Danny, in his desperation not to become Dan (even though Dan is reformed, stop talking about him like he's some unfortunate fate fuck he already apologized), takes to popping into other dimensions to help.

Vlad, Dan, and Dani settled in one particular world that they keep egging Danny on to take a chance with, to just sit down and take a breather. It's a world with other heroes that step in, so that the halfas can just do what they want without having to play hero.

Which like. That does sound pretty nice.

But.

Danny cannot do that. If he stops moving, he thinks about what he lost. If he thinks about that, he'll grieve. If he grieves, he'll turn into Evil Dan.

He continues to travel, dimension to dimension, in the name of helping people. So he can put off realizing what losing an entire world means for just a few more seconds.

But he does visit the world the Masters set up shop in. He visits it a lot.

Just....not always to see them.

There's a farm, to the west of where they've settled. There's a real nice older couple on it, too.

He likes to go see if they need help.

They tell him they have a son, but he's never able to be around at the same time their son is. Which is fine, he's not sure how awkward that would be.

He just likes how...how calm it is. He finds himself spilling some of his worries, which shouldn't make sense to normal people. Except that this couple not only seem to understand where he's coming from, but when he mentions losing his entire planet, literally, they become particularly insistent on him meeting their son for some reason.

Which, alright. Fine. He'll go.

He just needs to go help a few more people, after he visits some family.

Danny's flight to Vlad's stupid mansion is wobbly at best, drunken at worst.

He collapses in the road just outside of Vlad's gates.

~~~~~~

Vlad, who settled in a lovely place called Gotham, where he can do all the shady business deals he likes and, provided they aren't overtly evil, the local vigilante won't care, is thriving.

He bought the mansion next to local playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne, settled in with Dani (he's still trying to buy her forgiveness) and Dan (who has decided he's Dani's protector). He swindled his way back into billions.

He steers clear of Bruce Wayne's fortunes, though, because possessing the lover of Batman is a very bad idea.

He's trying, per his promise to Maddie and Jack, to get Daniel to settle down and pick up normal life again.

The boy is going to wear himself into the ground and become a true, full ghost if he does not take care of his human half.

Sure enough, upon one visit, the idiot passes out in Vlad's driveway. Well, not passes out. He's still in ghost form, still at least partially awake.

But still, rude.

In front of the neighbors, too!

Vlad laughs it off, picks Daniel off of the ground, waves at the guileless expression on Wayne's face as the idiot watches from some fancy car, and takes Daniel inside.

He's going to ensure the little idiot survives, whether he wants to or not.

~~~~~~

Clark gets a call from his parents; the malnourished kid, the one that they're sure is an alien, hasn't been seen in weeks.

This is unusual.

Clark knows of this kid, of course. He's seen the news; Phantom is a superhero. A teenager.

His skillset, or what he's showed so far that has been documented via the news, is almost exactly what Clark's is.

But Ma and Pa have one more thing to say, one that ramps Clark's concern to paranoia.

The kid, Phantom, had mentioned his world being "destroyed". Had mentioned that there were "no survivors".

Had said that his family were in the "Zone", but that he couldn't stay there. That he had to leave the "Zone" and go find another place to live.

The last thing he'd told them was that he had to go visit family.

Clark feels like his heart is slowing down in his chest.

Like it's trying to stop.

This can't be another Chris situation.

But why would Ursa and Zod stop with just one child?

What if Chris was the second attempt?

What if Phantom was the first?

What if there's a portal opened, permanently, to the Phantom Zone? That would be beyond disastrous.

But Clark has no idea where Phantom went. No idea where to start looking; the kid had gone beyond the clouds before picking a direction, and Ma and Pa have no idea where he could have been heading. On top of that, it's been weeks, and there's not been a single Phantom sighting in the news, from any country.

He needs to find that portal, he needs to find Phantom, he needs...he needs Batman.

If anyone can find a needle in a haystack, when the needle is made of wood and the haystack is as big as a barn, it's him.

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