ificouldiwouldloveyou - Tumblr blog

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I.

-Sylvia Plath

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

this attitude came from pain, i wasn’t always like this

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

I don’t wanna say goodbye to you.

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

Bilo je i tužnijih leta.

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

A nisam puno tražio,samo da budem voljen onako kako ja volim…

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

želim i tebe i sav taj haos koji nosiš u sebi

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

Ostani

Miris njegovog parfema mi je skretao misli s onoga što govori. Kad smo se zadnji put vidjeli, nisam znala da je zadnji. Nisam znala da je zadnji u tom trenutku, da sam znala zagrlila bih te čvršće. Rekla sam 'vidimo se' zadnji put tako olako, a svaki idući kad sam te vidjela između nas je bio ogroman zid, ali ponašali smo se normalno. A ostadosmo željni jedno drugog.

Jebote, ostala sam te željna a samo to u životu nisam htjela. Znam da si i ti mene ostao željan. Privlačio si moju pažnju kako si mogao a nisi ni bio svjestan da si je imao i kad nisi tu. Toga i nećeš biti svjestan, dok sam živa to ću kriti u sebi. Možda si podsvjesno znao, ali iz mojih usta to nećeš čuti.

Nisam mogla zamisliti da ću se kipova Ismeta i Meše sjećati po tebi. Godinama prolazim pored tih kipova, godinama su mi urezani u sjećanje kao obični kipovi velikih tuzlanskih umjetnika. Jebote, kako si mi mogao godine sjećanja izbrisati s jednim poljupcem. Sve čega se mogu sjetiti su slatki dodiri i osmijesi koje smo dijelili kraj kipova. Šta misliš koliko su oni takvih priča vidjeli? Da li bi naša priča dirnula Mešinu spisateljsku stranu? U meni je probudila pisca nakon dugo vremena, na toj boli ti se mogu zahvaliti. Hvala što si me podsjetio ko sam i zašto sam se zaljubila u tebe.

O ljubavi nismo znali mnogo, o ljubavi jedno prema drugog smo znali još manje.

"Ne volim. I ne želim da budem voljen."

"Zašto? Zašto ne želiš da budeš voljen?" Pitala sam te to tako naivno, dječiji, zaljubljeno. A već sam tada znala da me voliš, već si tada znao da si voljen.

"Ništa dobro mi to u životu nije donijelo."

"Ili samo nisi bio voljen kako treba."

"Možda."

Znamo i ti i ja srećo moja da se određen podsmijeh krio iza toga možda. Smatrao si me naivnom što sam ja mislila da bih te mogla bolje voljeti od onog kako si do tog trenutka bio voljen. Možda i jesam bila. Ali ne žalim. Da mogu vratiti vrijeme voljela bih te opet, jer da sam ja odustala od tebe nikada ne bih znala da li bi neko drugi odustao od mene.

Trebalo mi je to. Trebalo mi je da se borim za tebe, iako su svi mislili da ta borba će uništiti mene a tebe neće spasiti. Žalim što sam dopustila drugima da mi stvaraju sliku o tebi koju si samo ti mogao popraviti ili slomiti. Žao mi je što sam krivila druge za onaj jedan trenutak u kojem sam odustala. Nisu bili oni krivi. Kriva sam bila ja. Znala sam da ćeš se vratiti, znala sam da te trebam čekati još malo. Srećo moja, trebam li te još uvijek čekati?

Da si tu rekao bi mi da sam davno trebala odustati, da nema smisla. Nikada ti neću oprostiti što nisi vjerovao u sebe. Sa druge strane i nije moje da ti opraštam, ako kad budeš mogao oprostiti sebi uradi to. Tek tad ću ja moći oprostiti tebi.

I još jednu kutiju cigara sam ispušila čekajući te na peronu sreće. Ti nisi stigao i svaki voz je otišao bez nas. Dobro mi je majka govorila:"Pazi koliko čekaš, najviše se cigara ispuši čekajući." Ali meni je za sreću trebalo malo, naši trenuci vrijedni čekanja i cigare vrijedne gorenja. Ne žalim ni za jednim propuštenim vozom, ne žalim ni za jednom ispušenom cigaretom ili popijenom kafom.

Kao što sam i obećala ne žalim ni za čim što je imalo veze s tobom i sa mnom. Nemoj ni ti. Peron sreće će nas dočekati, samo da nas dočeka zajedno. Jer na taj voz se ne želim ukrcati bez tebe, zaslužujemo ga oboje, srećo moja.

s.

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

Love you goodbye

The May this year was unusually rainy. Although, I don't care about the weather, maybe it was sunny, maybe it was snowing. I remember they day that I lost you, it was sunny and I wasn't alone. But there I felt like the loneliest person in the world.

I fought for you, I am still fighting for you. It doesn't feel like it's over, it feels like we need more time. You need to be you, before you could be mine. I was defending your name to all of our friends, they don't get it, you didn't want for it to be like this. They tell me you are just like any other man, but you're not. I wasn't nervous around you, I always felt safe next to you.

How do I run away from your genuine words and soft looks? How do I run, when I know I'd come back in a heartbeat.

You've warned me, but I saw through that warning.

You were never scared of hurting me, you are scared that I will get to that part of you. You know, the part that cares. I got there, that's why you stopped. If you feel a bit of happiness, what could happen after that? The endless pain, you've been through it. That's what you are scared of, the power I would have over your tattered heart.

I only wanted to love you. You were like coffee to me, I couldn't start my morning without you. Thank you, I guess. Thank you for showing to me that I can live without coffee, that I can live without you.

I hope you will understand one day, you are not a horrible person. We've all done our wrongs in the life. You don't have to suffer forever because of it. Keeping me on distance, keeping me safe, keeping yourself safe and still falling for me. That must've felt horrible. To know whatever you may think, you are still capable of that.

You're a good person, be good to yourself. You've been good to me, I hope I was good to you. I sometimes still think that kindness you've had for me, you should've had for yourself. I wish you have had loved yourself more, then maybe you could've understood that I was nothing but genuine when it came to my feelings for you.

I couldn't tell you everything, some things weren't mine to say. But I really wanted to. It wouldn't have helped you, it would ruin the last hope for love that you have. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for loving you and believing in you, you deserved it. I have no regretts my love, like I promised. And I am still here, like I promised.

I didn't give up, you know me, stubborn as hell. Don't you ever forget, that I know you too.

I will see you again, when we're both ready for this kind of love, when we're ready to heal and love without looking back. Till then, this is my good-bye love.

S.T.

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

— Paul Guest, from “1987.”

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

“We ruined ourselves - I have never honestly thought that we ruined each other.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

Losing sleep because your heart feels heavy is the worst thing

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

“I hope to arrive to my death late, in love, and a little drunk.”

— Atticus

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

💙

nemam prava nikoga da savetujem što se ljubavi tiče

ja sam se zaljubila u momka koji mi je rekao da će se povući ako ja ne budem mogla psihički da izdržim to što se mi samo vidjamo i to što nikada nećemo biti zajedno, a onda me u momentu kada sam odlazila zagrlio kao što se grli neko kog voliš dok odlazi negde daleko

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

"Kada me izgubiš, nećeš ni znati. Bit će to običan dan kad ne budeš imao vremena. Ljudi gube kad nemaju vremena.”

- Paulo Koeljo

[ificouldiwouldloveyou]

“- You don’t write anymore? - There hasn’t been anything I’ve wanted to say. - After all you’ve seen, after all you’ve been through, darling? - I’ve lost the knack of making sense.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, from Mother Night; “The Contents of an Old Trunk,”