illusionofhaze

[illusionofhaze]

I hope I don't ruin things with my appearance.

I go on and on about it everyday, how I look.

My mind is probably worse than my looks.

[illusionofhaze]

The urge to tell everyone I meet that I wouldn’t have made myself like this on purpose

[illusionofhaze]

I vaguely remember being strong, knowing I would never lose myself tangled in other influence but now I’d do anything to erase that unsettling side of me that torments my whole.

If there’s a vulnerable side of me, I’d rather not be anything at all.

[illusionofhaze]

I haven’t written anything since I’ve come back from camp, the dynamic at home as just been

Mom is nice to me, I feel emotional because she’s treating me nicely and I want that

Mom gets stressed and does something really mean, I cry, can’t cry because I’m playing the “victim” in her eyes

Wake up the next day and nothing happened, repeat.

[illusionofhaze]

A Dream by Satoshi Takebe is playing, people are protesting on the furtherst side of High Street Kensington Station, I’m currently sitting waiting for the Victoria train

[illusionofhaze]

back from camp

I can’t really be bothered to write much here

[illusionofhaze]

I’ve always found it funny that I’ve always related to heartbreak songs and films through my mom, I’ve never really associated it much to someone I’ve liked or been with.

Anytime I hear those words about complications, sorrow and a broken heart over a relationship, it’s been my mom who I thought about first

[illusionofhaze]

I was sick for the past few days, since monday

I didn’t go into college or therapy

My therapist is talking more about temporary foster care

[illusionofhaze]

It’s always a really soothing feeling on camp to experience myself through other people

I’m curious about me, I wonder what I truly like, although the first few days I can still have a bit of hate for myself, it slowly wears off and I understand my heart more than ever.

I realise what I want for myself,

I wonder why I never know when I’m at home around my mom, it makes me so sad because I want her to have that effect on me that I have at camp

Why do I feel so much hatred for myself around you? Even when you try to change or do it for a bit, I still feel awful

Why do I have to flourish without you

[illusionofhaze]

I always think or experience a “favourite” thing but I end up forgetting to write it down

My favourite thing is crowded trains

Things are so intimate, everyone’s falling all over eachother but we are all supported just by standing together

It’s also a bit of a glimpse of what it’d be like to be close to someone in different circumstances.

Maybe that could’ve been my dad in a different life or maybe we would’ve worked together if I went down a different path etc.

I love people, I love life.

I started taking sea moss lately and it’s a life saver too 🪸

[illusionofhaze]

A little while ago after camp, I went to camden town alone, I was lonely and sad

Two guys came up to me and asked if they could do a street interview with me, before they asked that I was basically on the verge of just crying

I said yes but was so anxious about my appearance, I didn’t even answer the question properly since I was so nervous :(

It was only one question

“What do you think love is”

I wish I could’ve paused that moment to properly build the words from my brain to my mouth, if only people could just telepathically hear me 🥲

[illusionofhaze]

I love video blogging, when I feel out of place in moments, I can look at videos and know I saw things the way they were, my hatred for myself doesn’t reflect on my vision to other things,

It’s sad because sometimes it gets to me a bit and I know many people who are blinded by hate, how can you see the world with love that way?

[illusionofhaze]

I think my hobby is noticing people

Everyone deserves to be seen, to be acknowledged is such a beauty in itself

[illusionofhaze]

One of the best treats in life, is to have an opera singer as your neighbour

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Mom reported me sick to college so I get a nice day in,

I think I need to spend the rest of my time until GSCES alone a bit

I need to spend some time being loved by one person, if my mom can’t fulfill that like she’s promised yesterday,

I’ll make up for that love, anything that comforts me is my toy, ill build a bear with joy and love inside of it

It reminds me of in my liberation notes, if you have at least 5 minutes of things that made you happy throughout the day then you can make it through

I can do that for myself

[illusionofhaze]

Right now I’m wishing that I had a woollen hat on, high quality socks, coloured gloves, a scarf wrapping half of my face up, fancy brown shoes, a thick navy blue duffle coat, maybe a skirt with tights? I can’t imagine what it’d look like but scratch the socks and tights paired

Christmas music playing in stores, snoopy music, elevator music, jazz

Autumn, Christmas

Snow or dried leaves

One dog is okay

[illusionofhaze]

Recently I hate the sun shining on me

I just want to say “don’t look at me” “don’t touch me” but I can’t do anything about it