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It's funny because I remember being extremely pregnant, a day or two after my dad died, sitting on my couch playing a video game and feeling normal, knowing that my brain was simply rejecting the information it was being given and thinking, ohh man, this is gonna be Bad

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In related news, I would go as far as to say that in the early postpartum days it is more common to have "oh god what have I done" type thoughts than it is not to have them. Of all the mums I've met at baby groups and stuff who I've had conversations about that time with, 100% have said they thought something along those lines in the first few weeks, and most do use the exact same phrase.

Like I'm obviously not an authority on what's normal by any means but part of why I never opened the book after I bought it initially was because "What Have I Done?" was too loaded a sentence for me to even look at most of the time, because I felt hideous about myself for entertaining the idea that I might briefly identify with that thought. So now whenever I'm talking to newer mums I always try to convey that I am a safe person to talk to if you're having a bad fucking time. Maybe it's a negative mindset to go in with but I just hate the idea of someone struggling the way I did but feeling like they have to pretend they're loving it or whatever. I can't be a shining example of someone who went through the trenches and came out stronger etc but I will happily be the first one to say that the newborn stage can be fucking grim so that anyone else who wants to talk about it doesn't have to be

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How can it be four years later and still too soon and still too raw to read about someone else's childbirth experience

I know it's because that's how trauma is but christ, sitting here trying to read a book called What Have I Done (lol) and genuinely squirming in my seat not even 40 pages in. I actually didn't even think it would be all that similar to how it was for me as it's about postpartum psychosis which is one thing I didn't have but she's talking about her uneasy admittance to hospital to begin her labour (to be induced - again, nothing like mine) (although I believe my "failure to progress" and subsequent administration of whatever hormone it is they give you means my labour is technically down in my notes as having been an induction) and it's making me feel a bit like there's something trying to crawl out of my chest.

(Pregnant mutuals: I know you probably know my story inside out by now lol and I'm not going into any detail here really but I'm just so aware that there are a few of you and that I needed to avoid reading about traumatic births when I was pregnant myself 😅 I'm sure you know this too but my experience was a perfect storm of horrible shit all happening at once and very much not the norm so. you know. Anyway)

There's a similarity in how confused and bewildered she feels and how she is hardly seen by the same midwife twice that is very relatable. They also appear to have not noticed her having preeclampsia which is another instance where the facts are different but the experience is similar - medical negligence, inconsistent care etc. Even the way she's talking about the sunrise over London that she could see out of the window - much of my labour was spent alone in a bed by the window so I also watched night fade into a pretty morning while having the worst time of my whole entire life, albeit instead of Big Ben and whatever I could see the fuckin abortion protestors lmao.

She also describes the eerie experience of hearing someone nearby screaming in pain from something that is also happening to you - although my thoughts on that at the time were "there is someone who is doing being in labour correctly, unlike me". I never did scream but I did feel so guilty when I first got to the hospital because I had to sit in the waiting room for a while and I was very evidently in labour for all the non-labouring pregnant people around me to see.

Anyway it's funny because in the very early days I bought several books about motherhood/PP depression etc in an attempt to understand what was fucking happening to me and this was one of them, but I never actually opened it because it was just too raw and I ended up giving it away. Bought it again recently when I came across it in a charity shop thinking I was ready but apparently I'm not. Like when will I be then!!!!!

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I'm cryin lmao reading a Reddit thread about someone having a bad reaction to taking magnesium, one comment is talking about magnesium supplements and doses in relation to D3 and calcium etc, all pretty standard stuff, and then it ends with:

"SIDE NOTE: believe on the lord jesus christ and you shall be saved. he heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds."

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A few years ago I was talking to my therapist at the time about how I struggled with mindfulness but had recently tried something else, I hadn't read about it anywhere or anything but it just occurred to me to give it a go. It was basically sort of like mindfulness in a way except that I wasn't bringing my attention back to anything, I sort of set it free to roam around and just tried not to think too hard about anything in particular (e.g. directed thoughts away from trying to problem solve or ruminate on something but otherwise didn't attempt to influence them). This was a few therapists ago, I don't actually remember which one it was, but they reacted as if it was such a weird and unusual thing that I never tried it again lol and now recently I've learned it's called mind wandering and - as I suspected at the time!! - it can actually be quite good for you.

It maybe just sounds like I'm describing daydreaming and I suppose I sort of am but when I'm daydreaming about something it's usually quite self directed, as opposed to the wandering thing where I'm deliberately not calling anything specific to mind. Anyway I'm a bit miffed at that therapist reacting so weirdly to my description of it bc if they hadn't I could have been doing it all this time!!

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J.K. Rowling is also a woman, I’m not trying to be that guy but I’m just saying you shouldn’t imply that you love every women.

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Omggg Jonny just sent me a video of someone doing a toddler AITA which is funny enough in itself but I spotted THIS in the background:

Did anyone else ever have this book?? The Stinky Cheese Man?? If I didn't still have it I would seriously think it was like a fever dream I had as a kid. It's so funny and stupid. One of the running jokes in it is that the Little Red Hen is absolutely champing at the bit to tell her story so she keeps interrupting the rest of the book. These are the first pages (like before the contents and dedications and everything):

and then about ten pages later, after a couple of other stories:

It's a shame the illustration style is incredibly ugly lmao but then again that's part of the charm in a way. It's not meant to be cutesy or aesthetic. Here are some other choice pages:

and finally, the back cover:

I loved this stupid book so much as a kid and I'm so glad it was not in fact a fever dream lmao

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this is genuinely the funniest thing i’ve seen in weeks. love wins 🫶

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Janet Fish, Glass and Shells, 1990. Oil on canvas.

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did you ever have an mp3 player?

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Nearly 3am, Jacob has been awake almost two hours, I've just suddenly remembered about that season of I'm A Celeb with the American woman (Janice something?) who said "oh maaan!!" a lot and my brother and I obviously immediately adopted it ourselves and shortly after were forbidden from saying it anymore bc it was too annoying lmaoo

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Further nectarine comments that have been made since he actually laid eyes on it:

- What's that!?

- I don't like the nectarine.

- Is it red and yellow?

- Is it juicy when you cut it?

- Is it very juicy?

- Is Jacob going to like the nectarine?

- It's so juicy, it's like orange juice!

- It's very juicy.

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Me: "Jacob, shall we share a nectarine?"

Leo: "What are you asking him you're gonna share?"

Me: "I was just asking Jacob if he wanted to share a nectarine with me."

Leo: "Not a nectarine, margarine!"

Me: "No, nectarine. It's a fruit."

Leo: "How are you going to share it?"

Me: "I'm going to have some and he'll have some."

Leo: "Oh. I wanna have some!"

Me: "Okay, you can have some too."

Leo: "What is it like?"

Me: "It's a fruit, like a peach."

Leo: "What is it a fruit like? Is it like a sandwich?"

Me: "No, sandwiches aren't a fruit."

Leo: "Is it gonna taste like a sandwich?"

Me: "No, it's going to taste like a nectarine."

Leo: "Maybe it's going to taste like margarine."

Me: "Okay, sure."

Leo: "Does it have crunchy bits?"

Me: "No, it's very soft and juicy."

Leo: "Is it like juice?"

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Leo (out of nowhere): "Do it matter?"

Me: "Does what matter?"

Leo: "I don't know."

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Leo (watching me struggle with a task): "Daddy did it easier."

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Had another fucking stress dream about packing to leave somewhere we'd been staying last night lmao 🤦🏼‍♀️ It sounds so stupid but in the dreams it's always like life or death stressful!! It's probably because we were making plans yday w my SIL for sharing an Airbnb (I know) when we go down to visit my BIL next month for his engagement party. It's weird though bc I haven't been consciously worrying about it?? If anything I've just put off thinking about it for now. Which I realised while typing that is probably exactly the reason that I'm having stress dreams about it lmaoo