introvertedapple07

[introvertedapple07]

Bruh 9/9/2019

I don’t know where I’m at right now. My emotions are a roller coaster. I’m happy, lively, excited to live my life, and chill. Then, I’m sad,depressed, on the floor crying. I sit and wonder what is the root of my unrest. I think back to my past trauma. I think about what scared me to be the person I am today and then that digs up more unrest.

I’m ready for a change or shift to fully get out of this rut I dug myself into. Im constantly praying, hoping, and manifesting change but I don’t know what has come of it. The people in my life are great, not perfect but amazing. I am down to one toxic relationship and that’s pretty good for me right now. I still worry about them and how they effect my mood and enternal thoughts.

There are the people around me that make me sad. The ones who are constantly trying their best but don’t realize how toxic they are. They live like they are all holy and godly but they fall short and don’t see the problem with not addressing it. Then, this same person is given a title of leadership that they don’t need to have. I’m not pulling the holier than thee card but she has some personal issues that need to be addressed before she can serve as an example of Wesley. She needs to be held accountable for what she does.

I want to have a full heart when coming to Wesley but when surrounded by the hypocrisy it brought me to tears when I went in trying to have a good positive attitude. She tries but only on days she has to hide. My heart aches to find a way to have closer with the idea of wanting more for myself but being stopped by someone who wears a mask. My heart breaks for what could be if I had initiative. But I don’t want to railroad her as a person for my own gain even if it would help with so many problems.

Boys at dumb. I want to find the one. They want to find the one just for now. How do I put myself out there and not get hurt? Why can’t I find a cute sweet boy to take me out and respect me? Why am I so sad about not having that? It’s not like I have something to miss in that regard. I’ve never had it. Maybe that’s why. Maybe I want what I can’t have and I’m raising my expectations for who I want and need when?

[introvertedapple07]

The dream. 9/2/2019

I was in a grocery store. I think Walmart. I was with grant and we were done with shopping waiting in line. We were next in line and he got out of line to get a flower. This was a sunflower with glitter on it in which he took off the stem and ripped off the sparkles. While he was doing that I looked at what we had. There was a cake with strawberries I think it was cheesecake, a Mountain Dew personal bottle, and some other things. I was up next but I realized grant moved to self checkout right next to the cashier I was at. So I grabbed my few items off the belt and walked to where he was. What I did this he vansihed. I walked around trying to find him. I found him and he asked me if I could buy the stuff myself. Nick was on the other side of the store in a self checkout area all by himself checking his stuff out. I was like oh I guess I can just check out here. The total comes up to 20.?? And then I realize that the Mountain Dew has been opened. I then ask someone if it was meant to be my drink. I then don’t care anymore and go to find a new one. The only fridge I found was an odd one. It had three shelves in it with a different door for each shelf. The top one had stuff I didn’t want. Cans that seemed not good and they were laying horizontally. The next shelf I didn’t notice before but soon found after the third. The second one was hidden and had what looked like beer in it maybe. Idk. Anyway so the third one had these bottled drinks that were normal other than the fact that they looked squished down at the bottom. So they were fat squaty bois with regular necks. I grabbed one and it was frozen so I gave up on this one and walked around. At this point I was running/jogging around the area to find another fridge. I had no luck. I went through the whole half of the store and found nothing. I then don’t remember anything but nick waiting for me at the register with my other stuff.

[introvertedapple07]

The Lovely Unknown: Where I’m at in this season

In life there are things you just know, and there are things unknown. At this point in my life, I’m pretty much stuck in the unknown. Everything that I have to look forward to such as having a family, having a big girl job, and finding my person, are all in the shadows at this point.

When I think about what my life will look like in a year, I can’t even imagine a singular piece of information, other than still having my cat, best friends, and family. I hope to still be in school with decent grades, with a steady job hopefully. Looking forward I get kind of scared about whether or not I’m making the right choices now, so that my future self will be proud. At the same time I know that whatever happens, is what needs to happen in order for me to be the person I’m supposed to be. Even if I’m faced with challenges I know that they are given to me in order for me to grow and learn.

My freshman year of college was great academically, but I have definitely learned form a couple of setbacks and mistakes socially. With being apart of a campus ministry and becoming so involved I made many great friends, but this also is where the patterns of my past showed their ugly colors. 

Like I said I’ve made some great friends, but due to my patterns of befriending males older than me, there was soon guys who wanted to hangout with me more, and the eventually pursued me. With that being said long story short, one of them I totally friend zoned hardcore, and the other I allowed to get closer to me. This was where I went wrong. You probably can assume how this went. He hurt my heart by not being the person he made me think he was. In the end I had to get out of the situation as fast as I could, before I was in too deep, at that point I wasn’t quite trapped.

After ending things, that was a different story. For quite a while he and I got along quite well and we could coexist during our time at the campus ministry. This changed as soon as he had time to process the whole situation. He then went to one of my good friends asking her questions instead of coming to me. The result ended with him becoming quite hostile toward me, and in result I distanced myself and sought after peer counseling in order to deal with all the emotions I was working through. This was quite a difficult time for me to get through this while still having him around constantly trying to know what was going on in my head. It felt like psychological warfare, in which he would try his best to poke and pick through my thoughts and reactions. 

This time period stretched for quite sometime. During this time we both ended up going on a mission trip during our spring break. When I was forced to be around him for an entire week for 24/7 I couldn’t avoid him. His personality and the way he presented himself honestly enraged me at this point. I found myself avoiding him and being very short with him. This is where my good friend comes back into the picture. She was the middle man he went to to try to get into my head. As you you may have already guessed this caused some unrest between us. At some point I was so angry I was running around the chapel of the host church at full speed. This was a very low point for me, I just didn’t understand how he could force me to be this angry person that I’ve never been.

By the middle of the week, he was tired of me pretending he wasn’t a problem while still reacting to the hostility he was showing not only me but others as well. His true personality showed it’s ugly head when we played games after a long day of work. He was yelling and getting very mean to everyone playing when he wasn’t doing well or someone corrected him when he didn’t play correctly. The way he was to smug and condescending that I walked away and like I mentioned before I ran out the anger. It was not a good time and everyone could tell that I was not doing okay at this point and they knew exactly why. I was the only person to call him out for being a huge prick to everyone and they all saw that he didn’t care to change his behavior.

So I’m just going to wrap this up and say that he then took it upon himself to try to pull me to the side like a child and talk with me on his terms. This was a very bad idea because it ended with him telling me in a demanding tone to “go to bed” when I told him that I wouldn’t tell him every thought in my head. He also said that I was a liar and that I was deceptive because I told him it was not entitled to know what my thoughts and feeling were. At his point he was getting very possessive over me and was still confiding in my friend who told me everything he told her (yeah she would tell me in detail everything he said about me what a gal, then again she liked to stir the pot and feel him little bits of information that I have told her, not cool, very not cool).

Anyways he is no good and I finally ended up telling the director of the campus ministry after he had pulled me aside like a child on a second occasion, ranted to my friend about me at 4 am after he realized I was ignoring him at an event when I was trying to get school work done, and the final straw was when he left flowers and a note at my doorstep trying to bring up all of the issues I though I had already addressed, but he wanted to feel in control of the situation. Turns out the way he was treating me was reflective of the reason why he was already on probation, and in weekly advisement with the director. In the end he was asked to not return and not to contact me or any of my friends. He’s probably pissed, but that’s no longer my problem.

I’m in a new chapter of my life now. This summer of transition is scary, and I’m worried that I might fall back into my mistakes of freshman year all over again. At this point my guard and standards are as high as the stars. This is very difficult for me to move on and grow withing myself. I’ve been through the stages of doing nothing but sleeping, then I moved to long baths, then I moved to not eating or leaving my room. I went to work less until I finally just didn’t go for the last few work days. I worry about that a lot, the fact hat I never said a final goodbye to my co-workers at the elementary school I helped at.

At this point I am into more of a productive schedule, and I have watching children to thank for that. When I spend time with kids I forget all the things happening in my life and I just worry about what they need from me. In addition, it forces me to eat when they do resulting in me actually eating food. The only issues I’m finding difficult to work through are my sleep schedule and the way I deal with the idea of dating.

I don’t sleep until I physically hurt from exhaustion. I spend long nights trying to distract myself into being tired. Sometimes I interact and message other people but I end up just falling into my own world where nothing else matters but me. This is where it gets difficult, because I find comfort in being the only one awake and it’s peaceful for me. Ever since I was young I was a moon child, staying awake until odd hours just for the sake of it. I would clean, hangout with my dad, or just lay there in my naive thoughts. Now this time is tainted by regret, pain, and the realities of life.

Life isn’t so simple. I’m constantly in a state of exhaustion trying to keep myself busy and afloat. I’m suspended in the center, levitating over the state of depression and sadness, but still reaching up to grasp contentment and happiness. This leaves me in the state of a wandering traveler, always moving around trying to find myself. Trying to find something that I know I can only find in myself but I never quite remember it in the moments I try to fill the void.

My void is not hollow, but its simply soft and pliable. When something promising comes along I squish it against my heart and hope it doesn’t bounce back. I try so hard to give things a chance, to prove they can fit. The only thing that can fit at the moment is my faith in God. I know he’s there but sometimes the room that I leave for him isn’t completely filled by my heart for him.

It’s pretty depressing that I never really feel him anymore. I know he’s there, but just allowing me to learn and grow in my season of distress. In this time I know I must be patient and wait, but also I feel like I’m going to miss my chance at opportunities in life. That’s why I try my best to cram things against my heart, so I don’t miss the one piece of the puzzle that actually fits. That’s what terrifies me, missing something important whether that be an exit on the highway, a career opportunity, an experience, or even a person.

The unknown is that in between. You know everything you don’t have, or don’t feel, but you can’t figure out what it is that you’re truly missing to level up to a new season of life. I so desperately want to find a cheat code, or a get out of jail free card. I trust the process but the unknown terrifies every bone in my body beyond anything I’ve ever imagined.

[introvertedapple07]

My Sleep, The Future, and The Past

I don’t sleep much lately. In the dark quite of the night my mind flourishes. When I lay my head upon my pillow in any location it finds itself I physically remain still, but my mind runs forward.

When my mind moves on without me I find more questions than answers. The inner workings of my mind focus on different scenarios on repeat. Each one more philosophical than the next. What princess am I most like? What career is best for you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Do you want to change the direction of your future career? What are the qualifications of this career? What about this one? But wait. You’ve always loved this one. Are you smart enough? Are you strong enough? Are you ready for it?

I could go on for hours with questions that scare my mind into even more questions. Then I get to the point in my night where my past comes to haunt me. This is where anxiety rises and depression threatens to show its worst. I replay scenarios of my past. These are my war stories that left the scars. The stories untold, told, and told to unworthy minds. When combined they are what formed me as a person. My stories bent me, broke me, and added extra clay.

As an abstract sculpture I’ve reached peaks only to be squeezed and scored into merely a mound. The stories are the sculpted stories that show through the distress and ripples.

After my stories are replayed I sit, and I think of all I have lost. From the beginning to the end of my story.

Then, I lay in unrest and discomfort until my eyes tire of my life and the day.

[introvertedapple07]

What keeps me up at night.

🌙✨ Jan 20 12:29 am✨🌙

Not making the volleyball team in 8th grade. Not knowing whether to go on the spring break mission trip. New people I’ve met at Wesley. Jacob and nick. Not exercising as much as I did in swim. The Mary Beth girl from work. What if I want to be some sort of special ed teacher? What will I end up doing with my life? All the men and boys I’ve ever loved I never truly loved. When I think of romantic love and true love I have no name come to mind. I’ve never shared a deep connection with anyone I’ve dated. I was constantly just used for what I could offer them. I’ve been the rebound, the “perfect catch”, the prize, the object, the person you like so much you make them think they like you, and finally the convenient date. I’ve been through it all. Everything but physically abused. I’ve cried, I’ve sat in silence, I’ve kept their sins to myself, I’ve forgiven, I’ve let go, and frankly I’m hurt and broken. I live my life constantly questioning whether the person I bring into my life next will hurt me like they all eventually did. I always think of all the ways a situation can go wrong where I’m left alone again crying. My life’s just always been a series of unfortunate events with great highlights that make it not suck so much.

[introvertedapple07]

Dream Nov 20, 2018

From what I remember we were all college kids living in this huge structure. This structure was almost like a skyscraper but it was made it something totally weird. It moved with the wind and you could climb it no problem. The building itself was made almost out of slime but it wasn’t sticky and it was more solid than not

In one part of my dream I remember I was in a tunnel in what I guessed was were the boys slept. In this tunnel was two guys one of the guys was Bailey from Wesley and the other was Allen from Calvary. Allen was sitting on the ground with catchers equipment on for baseball and complaining of a light headed ness. I told him to take his helmet off and the leg gear and to sit up straight against the wall but he leaned on a door.

After that I left. I was crawling through tunnels similar to ones on a child’s playground at a fast food restaurant. I remember desperately trying to get to my room or apartment. I was crawling and got outside of the building where it was like a huge jungle gym. I remember thinking “oh I know the way from here”. But as I went through where I thought was the was I found I really didn’t know the way. Then I see this girl climbing the building. Apparently she was expanding her room in her apartment and she was suspended on the building making this addition with wood. She had no wood or tools in her hand but I saw the progress she made above us. I still didn’t know how to get to my own room but then I asked her. “Can we really climb the building that easily?” She said yeah and I got and idea i climbed the building until I felt like I was close and somehow got in

As I got in I was in a long hallway with a bunch of random people walking but when I got to the end of the hallway there way almost like a staircase but it was a ramp. While getting to this part I saw a bunch of people I graduated with from Calvary I remember thinking hey Sarah and Sara. Then I got to this little nook where a bunch of people were siting watching basketball. Most of the people were older and from Wesley like I recognized Zee so I sat on the couch and someone handed me lemonade and it had yellow jackets or bees in it but I still drank it. Then the same person who gave me the lemonade gave me sour candy and I ate some and put it in the rest of my lemonade. I remember being cold and putting my arms in my oversized green lantern shirt And bringing my legs close to me underneath me on the couch. There was this guy sitting really close to me on the arm of the couch but I didn’t know quite who it was but I knew I liked having him close

At the game I remember watching the girls game first and then the boys game second the girls game was just ending when I got there but the boys game was intense. Most of the guys were legitimately giants and there were also some who were normal height. After a while I noticed a whole box of Secret deodorant and I read a flyer about how secret deodorant gave Wesley money to buy toys for kids and we had to choose more toys.

Now I’m somehow in the back of the room on a different couch squished in with two other people. One of the people I remember was tapanga she apparently had the cheer shorts for the cheer squad for the basketball team and the other girl didn’t but she had on the Calvary cheer uniform.

I can’t remember if this part was before or after the college age people building thing. But I remember I was outside and there were a bunch of girls in athletic wear and we were all together on a field sort of on the edge of the field where there were some trees. I remember that this girl wouldn’t stop holding onto me she was from G Girls State. I remember that if we wanted to do this one daring activity where we jumped off of something high we had to run past a large group of boys. I remember that when I rand past my boobs were about to come out so I hunched over and covered them but the girl next to me running ran with ease and I hear the boys rate her. I called boys gross and then that’s all I remember.

[introvertedapple07]

Lonely little lovely

I’m constantly lost. I find myself empty and broken and I don’t know where to go from that. Some have it worse than I do but I’m still not okay. When I meet a guy I automatically think about how we can have a future. Guys are constantly coming in and out of my life and sometimes back in. Some nights I stay awake thinking about how all my relationships ended or never even fully started. Sometimes I cry sometimes I just sit and sulk in self Pitty. I constantly replay situations in my head and think about all the poor choices I made. I always find on thing in common with all my relationships. They come to me and fall to my feet. I have never pursued a guy (well once but he wasn’t my choice fully). When I look back I see a sad lonely girl settling for something easy and nice. I love and care for everyone so it’s hard to get out of that zone and be with someone and stay in a relationship zone. I date and it just feels like a friend hanging out with me. It’s good at first but then it hits me that they like me more than I like them. After that moment I backtrack our relationship and slowly compartmentalize them out of my life and eventually break up with them. I feel like I don’t get out enough or date that much anyways. My life is very much sad at the moment. I have little outlets but it’s more of appearing and talking to whoever is there. My life is a sad mess filled with lonely splotches of sad nights filled with romantic movies, sad boi songs, and baths. I need a guy as much as I hate to admit. I need to go on date nights out to forget about work and school. Tinder and Bumble are for crack heads who are desperate but aren’t I though? Things need to change soon before I break down and never rebuild. I’ll always be a lonely little lovely.

[introvertedapple07]

Future Husband

Yo!

I hope I don’t piss you off too badly. When I think of you now I can’t even imagine who you are. Are you someone I already know at this point? If you are, what triggered the spark of our relationship? I can’t even imagine what would have to happen to make anyone from my past or present become my husband. Who are you? I hope we have what I need in my life. The little girl in me just wants to know. I want to know what our life will be like. When I tell you this now, with my terrible grammar and my poor use of English, I want you to believe me. From this point of my life on September 5, 2018 at 5:35 pm on a Wednesday night, I will pray for you. I will pray for your growth within yourself a growth towards me. My prayers are for you to be strong for yourself, me, and our family. Our family will grow with the strength of love and faith. I truly will love you unconditionally and will always be honest with you until the day I die. My world will be totally be different by the time you read this or we even meet. When I get to know you I pray it is all in good intention and that you truly love me for all of my flaws. I know I will love you for yours. If I didn’t love you I would not have agreed to marry you. At this point you probably know that I’m saving myself for you. Don’t take that lightly bub. You are the person who I chose to trust with my life physically and emotionally. There will be many emotional breakdowns and lots of tears on my end. I’m sorry. You get what you know your gonna get so good luck. I already love the person you are and I don’t know who you are. Just know that if I choose you, you’re freaking special you dummy. I love you boo thang! Don’t do too much life without me. I can’t wait to see you and live out our future. Remember to always follow your heart and I hope I’m in your path when you need me the most.

Love,

Your wifey

[introvertedapple07]

Small coffee shop

I was sitting there. Confused as to what I should do. I sit glaring across the room hoping to catch a gaze from him. It's not normal to sit with a guy for hours at a coffee shop having a conversation and then walk up and ask for another guys number. Am I crazy? Am I a hopeless romantic? Maybe. Could I have the guts and the luck to find love at a small coffee shop that feels like home? Is it too much to expect to just sit here and hope he realizes there's a girl sitting here across the way just waiting for him to catch my gaze? I've been here for a while now just looking at my phone unsure as to what I should do. He looks nice, and It wouldn't be weird right? So why do I sit here like a bump on a log not moving. I hope he sees my interest because i will probably never make a move. I will probably just sit at this red table in this small coffee shop thinking about what would happen if I could. Should i walk up and ask what made him want to work here? Should I help him clean the play area for the kids like I'm so used to doing anyways? Do I just say hey you're intriguing? Do I just give up and walk away? I don't know. Fate is a funny thing. God has some weird ways of working. Do I just go and be spontaneous? Should I? This small coffee shop is like home to me it would be the best place to get out of my comfort zone. I'm so stupid. I'm hopeless. I can't even leave but I can't even think of what to do. I'm just sitting here in the coffee shop hoping something happens. Just something. I guess we will never know.

[introvertedapple07]

My love

Why do I feel this way? You aren't good for me yet we talk for hours. I sit there as you spill out your world in words. You say I'm your favorite person to talk to but honestly I'm probably just the only one who truely listens. You say that I'm your perfect girl yet we have never been on a date. We kiss passionate kisses, yet I don't feel the way I felt that one day in the passenger seat of that little truck. You and I are the perfect couple yet we haven't committed to eachother. I go on with my life and message you when I remember to reply. We connect on a conversational level but it just misses that little something to keep me invested. We have known eachother for years without really knowing eachother. I've written you letters that you probably will never see. You have risen and fallen and I've been there to listen. You want to know me but probably will never know my true identity. I know you well from the way you treat others to the things that make you happy or sad. You put your emotions in song and get depressed drinking your monster wondering when life will get better. You have said before that you have multiple versions of yourself. I'm pretty sure I have gotten to know all of them. They all are you but slightly different in the way they act and react. You are your true self around me. You are the scared little boy who just wants a girl to love him and kiss him to make things alright. You are the boy who tries so hard to not be his dad that its painful. You are the boy who grew up searching for a soul mate. You are the nerdy boy who is into some weird shit that could get you arrested. To me all of this is you. You are what keeps me up at night. You are who I think about when it comes to decisions for my future. You are who I see myself with. You are who I love. But little boy why must we not commit. Why do we confine our love to disappearing messages and once a month meetings. You keep me from going for other relationships. You always wonder how I dont have a boyfriend. Why I stop messaging you for long periods of time. I branch out and date and get my heart broken, but Superman I always come back to you my love. Its a sad cycle that will probably never end. As long as we both are alive we will have a bond and a yearning for one another. I can't bring myself to tell you yet but I love you. I love all of you.

[introvertedapple07]

Why?

Roses are red violets are blue. But what if the roses didn’t want to be red? What if violets didn’t want to be blue? What if they wanted to be a lovely shade of lavender? Would they no longer be roses or Violets whats stopping them? Why couldn’t they?

[introvertedapple07]

Valentines Day!

In my short 16 years of like I have not once had a boyfriend on Valentine’s day. Im not really sad about it but I just can’t help but wonder what it’s like. I often wonder what it feels like to love someone on this one day of the year. When you think about it this is just another day but just with lots of candy and gifts. We can thank modern society for that. We as people randomly created this one day to spend all our money on others to show them love. Personally I think that just writing a card and having a meal together is good. It’s better than buying each other a bunch of stuff that cost tons of money. To love someone is not to buy a bear the size of them or to buy any other expensive item like that. My ideal valentine’s day consists of us cooking dinner together followed by cuddling and watching movies. You dont need much to make me happy. As long as you are with me I’m content. If you can’t be with me and you sent me a letter that would be perfect. All of my peers are receiving small child sized bears. This makes me wonder why they feel the need to. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is society that compels young men to spend up to 50 dollars on a large stuffed animal. My next question is how long do you think your relationship will last. If you get her that big bear will you want that bear to be a waste of money if and when you break up. Big stuffed animals are great but it's best to keep things less expensive and invest in your future. Peace, Buzzkill

[introvertedapple07]

Love

Love is a crazy thing that we all think about everyday. We think about loving our friends, family, significant others, and different artists and band’s. When we think of love we think of that cute old couple at the dinner eating their usual and laughing at each other and having good conversation. The thing about this ideal love is that we don’t know anything about it until its there in your face. Even if it in your face you sometimes doubt that it is truly love. We often look at relationships we are in and say do I really love this person enough to wake up next to them everyday, share a life with them, carry out dreams with, and to go through heart ache with. We often mistake lust for love. This lust we have can come from physical attraction or even monetary attraction. Lust is not love it is cheap infatuation that is temporary. It temporary being that no one is beautiful forever and at some point the money will run out. To truly deeply love you must love yourself and have a foundation in faith. With this you can have all the love come pouring into your life. Just because you love yourself and have a foundation of faith does not garantie you will find the perfect live right away. With these things you will be a stable person within yourself that you can love another person even more. Personally I have only truly loved two people ever deeply and honestly. The first one was the one I shared my first kiss with at the great age of 15. This was not long ago but it feels like ages have passed since then. When we met I instantly fell for him like really fell in love. We talked a couple of times after school because we had mutual friends and at some point in one of our conversations we just looked into each other’s eyes. After a week or so of seeing him around and talking he found me on Facebook and messaged me. The first messages where weird like something about soup and his dog haha but he just one day sent me his number. After him sending me his number we talked for days nonstop. We eventually started actually dating and we made a plan. We decided my sister would take me to the mall and we would just hangout for a couple of hours. Long story short we ended up going to his car and cuddling and of course kissed quite a lot. Before this I knew something was a little not right when we saw some girls from school walking around the book store. As soon as he saw them he darted away and hid. Because we have mutual friends I become totally aware that he really likes one of these girls. After dating for a couple more weeks we where texting one day and he asked me if everything was alright I said you know what not really. I asked him where do you see this relationship going like as in time wise and stuff. He replied something along the lines of I dont know. This was the time where I loved him enough to let him go. At this point I was a sophomore he was a senior and he was going to leave the area for college. Fast forward a month after I broke things off with him he actually starts dating the girl he likes that he hid from at the mall. After them dating for a while I just texted him randomly like I often did since we broke up. When I texted he changed the subject to why i broke up with him and how I felt about it. I told him about how I just knew he liked that other girl from the way he acted. He asked if I was alright you know considering I still cuddled and kissed him knowing all of this. I just told him I was fine with it. I knew deep in my heart he truly did love me but it was just not meant to be. Fast forward to now, they are both still dating and are going to the same college just by chance. I’m so glad that I got the chance to love him and have him be my first kiss. Now moving to my second love ever. This is a very complicated and crazy situation but it all started when this hair obsessed boy walked into youth group who at the time was dating a girl and she brought him. They dated for quite a while and they where very cute together. Long story short things didn’t work out with them and they both stopped coming to youth for a while. But the boy came back and as soon as he did he stole my heart. I had never noticed him as a potential love interest being that he was in a serious relationship with the other girl. I would always just gawk at him with all his cuteness as we the days passed. He would always tell me jokes and make me laugh while we helped with the kids. He truly made me fall in love with him. He was perfect in every way in my eyes. He shared with me his dreams of being and music artist and we shared so many great memories. He is four years older than me so he had to at this point get his life together. He didn’t enjoy school and wasn’t doing so well so he went to a military academy to finish his education and have some type of discipline. The best times I ever shared with him was the summer before he left we both helped out with the church’s VBS. I had a little group of kids and throughout the week we would bump into each other because he just roamed around helping. When he and I talked he made me laugh and we bonded so much in a short amount of time. I was doing a little bandanna craft the kids where doing and he helped color it. The thing that kills my heart is that he wrote “I wub you” on it. Through the week he and I talked briefly about how there was a certain amount of year he would have to wait to marry me. I’m not sure about how much he remembers of this but I definitely do. After that day he talked every now and them at church and then he left. When he left I didn’t know how to feel. I missed him so much and I never realized I would. At this point I honestly forgot about him every now and then but still thought about him everyday. He came back and visited and we hugged for the first time ever. I was so glad I got to hug him. If i didn’t hug him I would have gone crazy. He asked if I missed him and I can remember what I said but it wasn’t a yes. At this point I had written a bunch of letters to him that I still have to this day hidden away. He returned and I for the first time got his information to contact him other than seeing him at church. Oh boy did we talk. We talked about everything. We had no filter and neither of us cared. At some point we both confesses we really liked eachother. Again it complicated being that I’m four year younger and at this point he is 18. I act like a dummy and string it out until we come to a conclusion that we both or at least I dont think we should date at the moment. This was a decision based off of stupid logic and a third party that was obsessed with me. But thats a different story. I truly regret that. After that time period we just stopped texting. One day I randomly messaged him like I do and we got talking and I find out he has a girlfriend now and things between them are bad. We talk for months no stop then I just stop replying and I don’t know why. I then again message him and we have a heart to heart about how we both really like eachother and how it could workout. At this point he is dating a new girl and they are alright but not solid and we talk. We talk for months and then we talk about us again and nothing becomes of it. Now we just message eachother when we can through the day and it’s sad. I love him a whole lot and he needs me but he still has a girlfriend or at least I assume and things are against me. Love can work out or it can almost workout and get ruined by you being stupid. So just let it happen and love will find a way. Thats at least what I’m doing. Signing off, The lonely lover

[introvertedapple07]

First Post!

If you are reading this you probably are bored to death. You probably should be doing something better with your time. But you’re here and I’m glad you can join me on this journey we refer to as life. I hope you enjoy all of my little rants and views on life. If you don’t then that’s fine with me. I shall give you some background information. I am a straight single sixteen year old white female who is basic in all the right ways. My hobbies include reading, softball, trying to survive school, talking for hours with friends in parking lots, and last but not least exploring nature. My family consists of my amazing parents who definitely know how to work my nerves, my brother who is a six foot plus some odd inches teddy bear, and finally my loveable yet annoying sister who I love with all my being. I’m the baby of the family but I don’t get all the typical perks. My parents are both Christians who both grew up being United Methodists. With this being said my dad does not attend church on Sundays and my mom only goes to church when I can. I’m a strong believer in the Christian faith and I accept everyone no matter who or what they are. You can be the epitome of sin and I would still love you. It won’t be easy of course but I try everyday to accept and love everyone. Most of my morals are straight from scripture but my foundation would definitely be everything my older cousins have taught me. Growing up everything they did and everything they told me was in my mind like a survival guide for life. I looked up to every single one of them, and there are a lot of them. At this point this is so long it’s crazy. I sure can go on a tangent. For my last little remark I just want to ask you as the reader to somehow leave your mark to let me know someone actually read this. Thank you! Lots of love, That girl no one really knows